• Member Since 2nd Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen 19 minutes ago

Admiral Biscuit



There are all sorts of things that can be done with a cell phone, like summoning encyclopedia articles or getting aurascopes or finding out what the weather can be or talking to friends or ordering food for delivery.

Every pony should have one.

Even if they’re not exactly hoof-friendly.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 226 )


Since I don’t like doing two blogs in one day, and since there aren’t all that many notes anyway, y’all are gonna get them in the comments.

It’s a rainy day today. Kind of cold and gloomy, a good day for a cute little ponyfic.

I’m sure my new bushes love all the water.

GaPJaxie is the one who made this happen--he goaded me on Discord. We were talking about operating cell phones by boops (and I tested, you can type on a Samsung S8 Plus with nose-boops), and he said:

Write this story
Specifically, a pony who thinks that the internet is just the coolest thing ever—all her human friends have shown it to her on their phones!
But she has some practical difficulties.

And so I did.

Most of my research revolved around tacos, given girl’s names in 2000 (all her roommates are in the top 50), and what Matchbox cars came out in sets in given years. So you can be assured all that’s accurate; in fact, I have the Matchbox Vista Cruiser. I did keep the box, but I also took the car out of the box, so I assume it’s lost some value.

Y’all might remember in Silver Glow’s Journal, Silver Glow had an obsession with Taco Bell. And here we are again . . . well, it’s not for no reason. Documentaries shown before the main feature would surely include drive-in restaurants, and odds are that they’d focus on one, and that happened to be Taco Bell, so ponies think that the most American fast-food restaurant is Taco Bell—it’s like the Disney World of fast food. Also, and more importantly, in Demolition Man, we learn that in the future all restaurants are Taco Bell.


I haven’t actually used GrubHub or any of the other delivery apps; I live out in the sticks, and while some of the pizza restaurants offer delivery, the only major chain store is McDonald’s, and as far as I know, they don’t. The nearest other chain restaurants are at least 15 miles away . . . the Jet’s one town over offers to meet in a parking lot halfway, and while I do like Jet’s sometimes (they’ve got turbo crusts, don’t you know?), something feels wrong about passing trading cash for a pizza in a deserted parking lot off a state highway in the middle of nowhere. Point is, I can’t promise I’m describing the interface for the app correctly, and I’m too lazy to find a YouTube video of ‘how do you set up GrubHub?’.

I did a touch of research on macroeconomics then got a headache and stopped.


Likewise, I was going to give a local landmark so people would know where Birria is attending college, but wound up not. It’s Seattle, and the grocery store reference and sorority reference are accurate for that.

I didn’t actually bother to check if Seattle has an Apple Store or a Best Buy, but I’d assume that they do.

EDIT: I nearly forgot to mention that I stole the idea of aurascopes from Trick Question’s fantastic Candy Mane's Nearly Romantic Hearts and Hooves Day Dramedy

I've not used GrubHub but I've used DoorDash and UberEats. It's pretty meh.

man are you full of good ideas

This is about as adorable as I expected from a Biscuit story, thank you.

Maybe, but I feel that there’s something fascinating about pushing virtual buttons on a cell phone, and some time later, food.

Living out in the sticks as I do, that isn’t something that we can do. I’ve lived in my house for 12 years, and never once had food delivered.

This is about as adorable as I expected from a Biscuit story, thank you.

You’re welcome!


man are you full of good ideas

I do my best :heart:

A few things. I dunno about GrubHub but DoorDash and UberEats both have lists of restaurants, then those restaurants usually have their full menu as a dropdown list. You do also get a map view (like when you use Uber)

I also see that you've used the predictive text we learned about together with Chinese typewriters!
Also want to pick your brain about pony calendar and holidays sometime, and also been still toying with the Forestry Service Ranger / Firewatch pony idea


Sixteen numbers were a lot, but she diligently booped the screen until she’d entered all of them

I don’t know what it is about this line, but I think it’s my favorite.

10240793 This sounded fun so just for the heck of it I tried this on my Android phone (not entirely sure the exact model or anything).

The only issue I ran into was switching from the body to the title box, I tried several times using my nose, but ended up using my finger to do the swap and then using my nose to type the actual title. The other issue is that unlike ponies my nose isn't very long so I had to practically go cross-eyed and henpeck my way around which normally isn't an issue. I do not consider myself a speed texter or anything but I get the feeling that if I was to try and type anything more than a quick blurb using just my nose, I'd probably be at it for several hours and a massive headache from the strain.

I attached a photo for your viewing pleasure :twilightsmile:

nose boop note

Well that was a pleasant little slice-of-life (and pun :facehoof:). Makes me curious what a phone designed from the ground-up for hooves and snoots might look like, if such a thing would even be recognizable as such to us.

A decade later, percolated through an unassuming stone building, enduring a barrage of questions, inspections, and showings of documents, before finally entering the portal.

This sentence reads really funky to me. Missing word? :twilightsheepish:

What's IGA stand for?
So there are just two characters, short and long? I'm confused.
Also, screw Bixby. Damn bloatware.

Also, none of the image links in your comments are working for me, but that could be mobile Chrome being lousy.

Somebody's ordering Taco Bell.

I loved the little digression about pony alphabets and their Horse code. :twistnerd:

Ah, the fallacy of thinking you need something that costs a lot to do everything and it ends up being able to do nothing because of everything the company selling it to you wants it to do for them, instead of you.

Picked up an Android phone for a lot more than I usually pay, £60, about $80, and it has 5 icons actually on screen, two of which for me are little use, especially since the Chrome button is duplicated by the Google Search bar at the top of the screen. Nice Phone, Camer and Menu buttons.

The thing I found totally daft, was that it was faster for me to search the net, find UAE4ALL Emulator, download not from the store, install and Boot the Emulated machine than get anything on the phone itself useable. Apparently in order to send simple basic SMS text messages, it wants Total unrestricted access to Media and Photos on the phone. And refuses to work at all when you deny it. Whats that called? Extortion?

For Left Hoof, Right Hoof, theres Paddle Keyers, where one paddle pressed is Dot, the other paddle pressed is Dash, and both paddles pressed is Dot Dash, for the action time taken of one press.

Maybe try one a couple of those elastic wrist bands holding the stylus in place, or mouth holding stylus if you can get a cigarette holder from a centuary ago?

Something in a recent news article. Facebook purchased Giphy. This is of concern due to various reasons because Giphy treats GIFs like Dumb Terminals. iOS and Android uses it for tehir On Screen Keyboards and various other icons, each image is wrapped in a UUID Javascript cookie, and transmits its state back to Giphy every time its utelised, for, analysis purposes.

If the keyboard is made of induvidual glyphs, then Giphy/Facebook can read Every password you ever enter, legally as per its EULA. And so can any third party OSK that uses the same online dumb terminal display idea. :twilightoops:

Well, that was interesting, I think.

I've used my laptop's trackpad with my nose before, too, usefully.
(I often have it playing some audio while I'm cooking or cleaning the kitchen, and sometimes I want to work the controls while not getting whatever's on my hands at the time on them.)

I am here to tell that Applejack plays guitar. That's it.

science oven

Oh no, they're multiplying!

They even had little packets of sauce with inspirational messages which were hot, hotter, and hottest: the latter was ideal if she felt like regretting her life choices twice instead of only once.

I had a good laugh when I hit this.

Oh, wait, multipass is credit card. Makes sense.

Kyle is going to be very confused when he looks at his photo comments.


So there are just two characters, short and long? I'm confused.

Sounds like Morse code to me. Or something similar that works with whatever language is involved.

I forgot to mention how that particular line of text came about--I just banged my hand down twice on the computer keyboard and that’s what I got. (I would have put my phone in my mouth, but it was being used as my portal to the internet, so I didn’t.)


What's IGA stand for?

Independant Grocer’s Alliance--it’s a franchise grocery store, rather than a chain.

So there are just two characters, short and long? I'm confused.

In Pony Morse, yeah, there are just two. And only two keys on their typewriters (plus space)

Also, screw Bixby. Damn bloatware.

I turn it on all the time by mistake.

Also, none of the image links in your comments are working for me, but that could be mobile Chrome being lousy.

I’m gonna guess it’s your mobile Chrome; they work in my mobile Chrome, real Chrome, and Microsoft Edge.

I shoulda posted links to them; maybe I’ll do that tonight after work.


This sentence reads really funky to me. Missing word? :twilightsheepish:

Yeah, one of the words sneaked away in editing. Shoulda read “A decade later, Birria percolated through an unassuming stone building...”

It’s fixed now, thanks!

The images are working now. :yay:

"Nopony bought something just to leave it in the package, unused." I feel personally attacked. :rainbowlaugh:

Also, Multipass!

Working at an airport, I'm constantly wearing gloves, so between times where I wasn't using my flip phone, I'd often answer my cell phone using my nose. Samsung phones tended to be the best for this, which got the people at the Verizon store riled up when I was first experimenting with them.

Also, Admiral, when I saw the taco named chapter, for some reason I had the horrible mental image that the pony was going to discover she could answer her phone with her clit.

Also also, I am totes, for realises, stealing "Science oven".

even when I leave the server I am not free of your sin

Nopony bought something just to leave it in the package, unused.

Though humans have been known to leave ponies in the packaging.

but it didn’t feel that much more weird than her biannual aura checkup.

I have several questions about what that procedure entails. The more magical part of pony medicine leads to some fascinating concepts.

I do love the little touches like "airplane station" that subtly communicate unfamiliarity with the local culture and framing it in familiar terms.

She’d read a book about it, but didn’t feel confident enough to try it on her own, not yet.

Thank goodness it isn't a young Twilight making this decision.

"Humming science oven" is everything great about "airplane station" multiplied by fifty.

Taco Bell had tightly-wrapped burritos, crunchy tacos, and mixed bowls, all with plenty of salt and other nutrition to keep a pony healthy.

But especially salt.

The rest settled on the technically correct but boring circles or dots for shorts, and the traditional horseshoe-shape for the longs.

Ah, • and Ω.

And yeah, modern conveniences can be awfully inconvenient at times. A lack of thumbs doesn't help.

Delightful stuff throughout. Thank you for another delightful bit of college pony slice of life. :twilightsmile:

Ponies on Earth.
Always a wholesome read.

Yes, that headcanon on pony typewriters was enjoyable to read.

Oh wow this was too cute. So many wholesome pony-isms, I'm dying. This might be my favorite piece of yours, Biscuit. Also:

The first part was easy enough. Brace with one hoof, and push the button with the other, but there were buttons on both sides and she accidentally opened Bixby which wanted to help her but needed to be set up first.

This is me. My phone has Bixby, and I still have no clue what the hell it does or why I would need it, LOL.

This is why ponies can't play 8-ball! Stop trying!




Ponies might find it easier to use their tongues to manipulate a touch screen.

An Otterbox for an iPhone is not just an option, it is a necessity. I'd be on about my third phone by now if I didn't have one.


Honestly though, I don't see this being much of a problem as it would be for humans, practical problems aside. Humans tendency to act somewhat irresponsibly aside, phones would become boring after awhile and would be more or less abandoned after about a year or so. Ponies are nothing if not set in their ways.

"Populous" is the adjective; "populace" is the noun.

She spent a few days getting acclimatized to her new roommates and their strange names: Madison, Ashley, Taylor, Hailey, and Mackenzie. She also got acquainted with the strange technology she’d read about and seen documentaries about but never actually used, from the humming science oven to the Kureg and its fiddly plastic pods.

Part of me has to ask are these name a reference, super common in the USA or is it just that they are the most generic names ever for female college students to be used in fiction.

“Oh, one of my friends sent me a meme.”

“What’s a meme?”

“Uh, a funny picture. Here, I’ll show you.” She picked her portable telephone back up and pushed a few buttons, then turned the screen towards Birria.

She didn’t understand what was on the screen; several men in suits were dancing while balancing an ornate box on their shoulders, but it was a diversion from studying.

Oh dear... I... got a bad feeling about this.

She didn’t understand what was on the screen; several men in suits were dancing while balancing an ornate box on their shoulders, but it was a diversion from studying. And all on a little slab of glass and plastic that fit in a pocket, something which could be watched from the comfort of the couch, rather than having to go to a movie theater.

I've seen this too many times to count, literally all forms of this meme.

Madison said that she totally understood; Boomers got mad when Millennials didn’t know cursive because it was honestly useless.

ha ha that's so true, my mom gets all huffy and mad at me if I don't write my schoolwork in cursive.

It's only made worse since you hung out with me in person at a bar near Detroit. Not only do you hear me saying it, but you can now visualize it.

Pones poning in Earth, always with so many hilariously cute ramifications. I bet they'll quickly have their own Boopbook :pinkiecrazy:

That's both absurdly cute and raises oh so many questions. Specially if she's somehow destrous enough to use the phone like that :rainbowlaugh:
Would their Tinder have pictures of confused pones booping their phones? It might give someone a heart attack, really dangerous stuff.

Right now, the Horse Code in your story reads "Birri'o phone." I assume you meant the bit before "Earth weather wasn’t like Equestria weather at all." to be ♡ ♡ ♡, not Ʊ Ʊ Ʊ. (Also, did you leave out an ♡ Ʊ, or were you shortening the name on purpose? Also also, the symbol you used for horseshoes renders much smaller than the symbol you used for hearts on my system/browser combo, but I don't know if there's anything you can do to fix that universally.)

it's painfully true

Friends don’t let friends eat Taco Bell in the morning.



This delights me. You truly are the King of Slice of Life!

For the calendar in Point Of No Return it was established that an EQ month is 28 days X 13 = 364 days

If you assume that the Summer Sun Celebration is an intercalary day (no evidence, but IMO it makes some sense) that's 365. They can control the sun, so God only knows why they'd have Leap Years.

Nightmare Night, The Running of The Leaves, Hearths' Warming, Winter Wrap Up, Hearts & Hooves Day. Pony Valentine's Day, it CAN'T be Feb 14, that's still mid winter. Probably around Easter time

I can see it now. They show her how to use the microwave to warm up bread & it destales it.

"Well officer, I had some hay that I wanted to eat so I filled the science oven with it and set it for 1 hour (it was very stale). The next thing I knew, the kitchen was on fire. I think an evil Wizard cursed us!"

Sweetie, if you like Taco Bell, you're going to love IHOP for breakfast.

While her Matchbox car was small, on Earth the real thing was big enough that several people could ride in them; they had small locomotives inside which ran on coal oil, and they didn’t need rails laid down for them.

While in the airport, was she required to remove her horse shoes during inspection?

Everybody wore pajamas except Birria who argued that au naturel counted as pajamas since that was what she wore to bed. And everywhere else.

Good enough I guess.

She couldn’t put a hoofprint on the little screen to agree to the terms and conditions, so she held the fake pen in her mouth and scrawled her name on the screen instead.

Clear case of I'm limited by the technology of my time here.

Great story!
I enjoyed reading it.

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