Chapter 1
“I can’t believe I’m in the presence of such a celebrity! I’m such a fan of yours!” Twilight half-quivered as she skipped about the comfortable private room in Canterlot castle. Usually it would have been the books that covered the walls, or the beautiful ornate fireplace that roared warmly that captured her attention, but today was different.
Today, she had met her hero.
Sitting in a plush chair, a glass of Celestia’s best wine clutched in his hooves was a strange albino pony. His coat and unkempt long mane were completely white, while his eyes were large and red, flicking between his glass and Twilight as he savoured the taste. To Twilight though, he was not just a strange pony. He was a legend.
“Nonsense, Twilight!” he smiled, waving a hoof in bashful admonishment. “I’m only a humble disseminator of knowledge! Any pony would have done what I did!” He slumped back into his chair with a sigh. “It is just so hard to be so selfless!”
Twilight instantly leapt to his side, pushing another cushion under his head and offering him a chocolate from a silver platter. “No, Leaky Secrets, no!” she cried. “Don’t put yourself down, you’ve done such tireless work in exposing the corruption and lies of foreign governments.”
“I know, it’s all good work.” Leaky Secrets placed a hoof on his forehead dramatically. “But it all gets to me Twilight! The constant persecution! The endless dinner parties. Do you know how many cocktail events I have to suffer through, and all the beautiful mares who hang on my every word? If I could only escape the wretched life…” He shook his head. “But my duty is too strong. I alone must carry the burden of my mission and my incredible bank balance.”
Leaky Secrets had first risen to prominence two summers ago when while living in the Griffon Republic, he had printed a newsletter entitled “Leaky’s Leaks.” At first this was just a pamphlet advertising plumbing services, but a printing mishap resulted in the third issue containing not a fold-out kitchen sink poster but detailed reports concerning secret and illegal action undertaken by the local police force.
Meanwhile the police commissioner received a lovely poster featuring five types of kitchen sink.
Leaky’s pamphlet was disseminated far and wide, and led to the police chief being arrested and locked in a high security nest. Soon, Griffons from all over the country were anonymously sending him secrets to publish. His fame and fortune grew as “Leaky’s Leaks” became the top publication in the city and then the country. More secrets came in; from Goatlandia, Penguinopolis and even as far abroad as Hull.
He was loved and feared in equal measures. As his knowledge grew so did his power, and he could topple governments with a flex of his hooves.
Of course, pride comes before a fall. In this case, it was accusations by the Griffonian government that Leaky had gone on a two week crime spree; robbing casinos, using the elderly as surfboards, blowing up public schools and crossing the road without looking both ways. The evidence was flimsy at best, with the prosecutors only able to come up with five hundred witnesses, hoofprints at the scenes of all the crimes, and video evidence. Leaky had done the only sensible thing: denied all the charges, claimed political persecution and hid in the Equestrian Embassy until rescue came.
Leaky took another sip of wine as he relaxed in the luxurious chamber. “It’s a shame, Twilight,” he shook his head, “how the Griffonian government went to such lengths to try to catch me. Paying all those witnesses to lie, faking those hoofprints…”
“What about the twelve reels of film?” Twilight asked, wide-eyed.
“Oh, those were just recordings of marsh gas reflecting off Venus,” Leaky dismissed the claim with another wave of his hoof. “And do you know those vile griffons actually threatened to storm the Equestrian Embassy? Have they no morals?”
“I know.” Twilight cast her eyes downwards. “You showed them up for what they really are, Leaky. Corrupt and willing to break several international laws to capture an innocent hero. It’s just lucky that there were five hundred miles of sewers under the embassy to aid your escape.”
“Yes,” Leaky shuddered at the thought. “Lucky.” He shook his head to dismiss such memories, and then smiled at Twlight. “But now Celestia has offered to put me up in her castle, and I have such wonderful, devoted friends like you by my side.” He brushed a hoof against Twilight’s hair, causing her to blush. His expression hardened. “But we should never forget the brave griffon who sent me all those secrets who right now lies in jail without hope of freedom. Terry, or Todd or something. Him.”
“You’re so compassionate!” Twilight swooned, heart fluttering as she moved slightly closer to Leaky until her nose was inches from his. “A selfless freedom fighter in this terrible age!”
“Oh Twiglet Spackle!” Leaky embraced Twilight, and the two shared a passionate kiss by the fireside. Leaky pulled back quickly to look into Twilight’s big round eyes. “Twiglet, I don’t care that you’re the princess’s favourite and a well-connected famous pony. I only care that you’re you, and I’m me, and we’re here right now!”
“Leaky, Leaky!” Twilight started to smother him with kisses, before, pausing. “Uh, do you want to take a shower first?”
“No time!” Leaky cried, as he carried Twilight upstairs.
***
Twilight awoke in a crumpled bed to the sound of birds tweeting outside her window, and the warm light of the sun gently trickling over her. “Oh, what an enchanting evening!” she moaned happily, as she stretched and opened her eyes.
The space in the bed next to her was empty.
Twilight rose, still unsteady from sleep as she rubbed her eyes. “Spike?” she called. “Have you seen Leaky?” She fumbled her hooves over her bedside table to update her diary with the previous day’s events, but her hooves found nothing.
Twilight stared at the space where her diary once sat. In its place was a crumpled envelope. “Spike?” she called, a bit more unsteadily this time. “Have you seen my diary?” She picked up the envelope, slowly opening it to reveal a hastily written letter.
“Twilight!” Spike burst into the room, panting, his face red from exertion. “You’ve got to come quick! Somepony’s stolen all of Princess Celestia’s letters!”
Twilight’s eyes narrowed as they read the letter:
Dear Twiglet,
Thanks for last night, it was pretty okay I guess. Sorry I had to dash; I had some paperwork to pick up. Please send the rest of my stuff to the Penguinopolan Embassy where I’ll shortly be seeking political asylum. Don’t call me, I’ll call you.
Leaky
The letter was signed off with a smiley face.
Twilight scrunched the letter into a ball and crushed it underhoof. “Spike!” she bellowed, “get a very large battering ram and a gelding iron.” Her right eye began to twitch. “We’re about to violate several international laws!”
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This cheered me up when I needed it the most. Celestia bless you, you genius.
Yesss.
What the fuck is this
\
Shouldn't the get be capitalized as the previous sentence(Spike!) ended?
also I'm sad that this was so short
...Are you Julian Assange?
What an ass that pony was....
On a completely unrelated note, may i be the first to suggest a rater descriptive and in detail explanation on how that battering ram was put to use?
i48.tinypic.com/2zzrshu.gif
And yet truth is always stranger that fiction. Doubly, in this case.
Nice job!
Will you marry me?
I like it, but I'll need to read more before I can honestly thumb it up, my friend.
The Gelding Iron made me smile
All in all though not bad
Oh my.
Not funny. And I'm pretty sure Julian Assange remembers the name of Bradley Manning.
cdn.derpiboo.ru/media/BAhbBlsHOgZmSSI4MjAxMi8wNy8xMy8wMl8wOF8wOF85MzhfNDIxNjFfX3NhZmVfcmFyaXR5X2FuaW1hdGVkBjoGRVQ/42161__safe_rarity_animated.gif
Hmm... how should I put this...
Yep, that about does it!
1105117
The future.
Haha current humor
Not funny.
The penguins are set to become the new dodo.
Or rather, I get it, but I don't know what's supposed to make it funny...
I think Leaky is about to leak...something red and sticky.
This story made me smile. In unrelated news, Julian Assange is reported to be bored and stressed in his new home away from home, the Ecuadoran embassy in Britain.
you know what twilight has to say about all of this?
once she finds him? 
encrypted-tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRnTqpc-NONY-VEuKvuHQkPZEPQZ_fRxqcPvN6Lv89_B_Eq8_H_Sg
Why so much butthurt?
This was pretty ridiculous though, I giggled.
I guess there's a leak that's about to get clogged up.
I loled.
Is funny.
(For the record, I applaud the idea of Wikileaks, think that Bradley Manning has been treated in an utterly unacceptable and shameful way, and that Julian Assange appears to be an egotistic asshat who's doing a great job tainting Wikileaks with his idiotic antics. 'Cause really, anyone who thinks Sweden is more likely to turn him over to the US than UK is nearly terminally clueless.)
1105866
10% negative votes is about my average I think. I was expecting more to be honest.
1108251
Oh yes, same. Frankly I think everyone in the whole situation has behaved shockingly. I don't think he's in danger of being extradited to the US, but I imagine Sweden has been leaned on to throw the book at him and lock him up for a long time.
If the US wanted him, they could have got him. Heck the UK is the country who extradited that kid to the US whose 'crime' was having a website with links to online copyrighted material, which isn't illegal in the UK, and might not even be illegal in the US. What;'s next, are we going to extradite our citizens who have had extra marital affairs to Saudi Arabia to be stoned to death?
I like the idea of Wikileaks too. I'm glad that the governments of the world have an extra reason to look over their shoulder when carrying out illegal activities. But if you're going to set yourself up as the figurehead of such an organisation that exposes corruption (and there's no reason such a thing needs such a public figurehead) then you'd better be sure you're a moral paradigm and not, you know, going around boning everything in sight.
This was released on my birthday insta fave
it's time to kick plot and read books and I'm all outa books
1108386
I don't have any problem with Wikileaks' supposed cause, I just wish that they hadn't edited that helicopter footage to make the military look worse "Running Man" style, or leaked the names of those Afghan informants.
But anyway, that was pretty stupid of Leaky toward the end, what embassy can protect him from a mare who can teleport?
He pissed off the most powerful mortal magic user in existence, who also seems to keep a gelding iron around the house. Speaking of which, why does she have that
?
1112474
Don't ask
1112474
1114696
Don't get the wrong idea, it's just a type of golf club.
Hits the balls real far.
Still gonna hurt...
> submitting this to Reddit
> you've already submitted it
> it's at -7 downvotes
Did you piss off a downvote bot or something? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_TwilightWut.png
Twilight is going to accuse someone of rape...
I liked it. I didn't like the Julian Assange comparison but hell I can't down vote you for having an opinion.
Ohhhhh. Man, I totally forgot this guy even existed. (They have won!)
To be honest, my reaction was kind of "Huh, that was okay" until I saw the comment telling me just what was going on here. But that means this can't really stand on its own without the parody gimmick. Damn, I'm evaluating pony fanfics with the same critical eye as SCP articles. :/ I guess my assessment is "BLUES I AM DISAPPOINT".
Also, wtf is "Hull" a reference to? I know it's got to be.
1625604
I dunno PP, I mean you're the only person in the world not to get it, so maybe it is you is disappoint in youself
1626114
NO YOU ARE THE LICKERS OF BUTTS :|
To be honest, I kinda did read this long after Assange ceased to be a person of interest in the news, so there's not that immediate temporal association to be made.
This fic is very, very relevant to my interests (and hilarious)
1263096
It took me until the end to get that it was a Julian Assange joke as well.
I dislike Julian Assange.
1. He got a lot of people killed.
2. If you're going to go out in a warzone, in what could be misconstrued as enemy attire, and point a shoulder mounted device at an attack helicopter, you're going to get shot.
Naturally, I found this to be very funny.
1108386 Read the below comment, please.
Hi Blueshift. I hope you don't mind, but this fic tickled me so much that I've put together an audio version on YouTube.
3233867
Oh wow, fantastic! Thanks!
I think I have a new favorite quote.
i listened to scribbler's reading of this (i seem to learn about a lot of fics that way) and really enjoyed it. though, how twilight couldn't tell leaky was talking out his flank i'll never know
I have absolutely no idea what just happened.
But I'm amused by the idea of Twilight having an international breakdown.
In retrospect, seeing how Wikileaks has destroyed their reputation (they're not even pretending to be balanced or without an agenda any more), this is even more accurate.