• Member Since 21st Dec, 2017
  • offline last seen 11 hours ago

TheMysteryMuffin


This Hearts & Hooves Day, share the moment with somepony you love. Discord Number #3496

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This story is a sequel to Canterlot Bridge


Equestria's Dark Universe

Previously: Canterlot Bridge

Next: Coming Soon


Autumn Blaze is welcomed to Ponyville by her new friends, including non-other than Princess Celestia. However, when something makes Autumn angry and loses her cool, it's up to her friends to remind her that she isn't a monster, but one of their best friends.

Proofreader/editor: cccvvvttt


Contains sustained threat


Image owned by: This Person

Thanks for getting this story over 650 views! I'm so sorry for the lack of updates, as I have been busy with college and other IRL situations.

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 38 )

This is a sequel, btu not in the same continuity as Canterlot Bridge, is that correct?

9202846
Thanks, hun. :heart: I hope it's an improvement to Canterlot Bridge.

Hmm... sorry, I'm left feeling pretty lukewarm by the end of this. Apart from some hiccups in the prose, it just feels like this is more of a prologue than a first chapter. The description put a lot of emphasis on a conflict between Autumn Blaze and the ponies, but little to none of that seems to have made it into the actual story yet. By the end, I'm not left wondering what'll happen next, because the description already tells me--instead, I'm left wondering when the story's going to do what it promised to do from the beginning.

I think there's probably a decent premise in here somewhere, but, to be honest, there's not a lot here that really makes me excited to see more.

9202968
Umm... I don't understand. You don't like the first chapter, or you're assuming the story won't go anywhere?

Sorry if the question offends you, but it's the first thing I thought when I read your comment.:unsuresweetie:

9202856
Equestria’s Dark Universe sounds like an appropriate verse for my epic. XD. :rainbowwild:

9202996
Not offended at all :twilightsmile:

So, my problem is that the combination of the description and cover art promises a very particular event: Autumn Blaze arrives at Ponyville, where she is welcomed by Princess Celestia, but something goes wrong and she turns into a Nirik. That sounds like it could be interesting. That is the thing that I wanted to see that made me want to read this story.

By the end of the first chapter... Autumn Blaze hasn't arrived at Ponyville yet.

One chapter in, it feels like I'm not any closer to the potentially interesting part of the story than I had been before I even started reading.

Stories should start with hooks to get the readers' attention. This story feels like it hasn't offered anything interesting in the first chapter--almost 4,000 words--that it hadn't already offered in the description, which is less than 50 words.

It's not that I feel like it's not going to go anywhere, it's that it feels like, close to 4000 words in, it hasn't gone anywhere, and that doesn't make for a good first impression to a story.

9203078
Good to know it doesn't offend you.:ajsmug:

And thank you for explaining. Now I understand.:twilightsmile:

9202968
Well, this is my second horror story to my "mixed to negative" pilot Canterlot Bridge. Think of this as a prologue in some way. Anyways, it's your choice to read on or not; I'm not going to force you. Thanks for at least taking interest in this, though, I appreciate the feedback. Autumn Blaze will arrive in Ponyville in the next chapter.

Regardless, thanks for stopping by. It's always great to see new users reading my stories. If you have any tips to improve this, then please write a comment or PM anytime.

9203259
Thanks for stopping by, old friend! Good to see you again.

9203033
I'm glad you approve! :rainbowkiss:

9204258
Glad to hear that and hope it happens more often.

Thanks everyone for helping this story reach over 200 views already! I'm honoured to see so many of you reading this story!

9203078

So, my problem is that the combination of the description and cover art promises a very particular event: Autumn Blaze arrives at Ponyville, where she is welcomed by Princess Celestia, but something goes wrong and she turns into a Nirik. That sounds like it could be interesting. That is the thing that I wanted to see that made me want to read this story.

Achievement unlocked! :pinkiehappy:

By the end of the first chapter... Autumn Blaze hasn't arrived at Ponyville yet.

One chapter in, it feels like I'm not any closer to the potentially interesting part of the story than I had been before I even started reading.

Stories should start with hooks to get the readers' attention. This story feels like it hasn't offered anything interesting in the first chapter--almost 4,000 words--that it hadn't already offered in the description, which is less than 50 words.

It's not that I feel like it's not going to go anywhere, it's that it feels like, close to 4000 words in, it hasn't gone anywhere, and that doesn't make for a good first impression to a story.

I am always trying to improve my writing and you have given me great guidance.

Autumn Blaze, I promise you, will appear in the next chapter. Actually, she did appear in this chapter; spoilers - read the end!

I promise you that you'll get more Autumn Blaze by the next chapter, in which there'll be more involvement and interaction with her and the other characters. She is one of the two main characters, including Applejack.

As much as you have a point for grasping readers in the first chapter/sentence of a story, I prefer as a writer to bring the action in later, while building the tension!

Still, thanks for the advice. That has opened more doors for me to write.

9209930

As much as you have a point for grasping readers in the first chapter/sentence of a story, I prefer as a writer to bring the action in later, while building the tension!

In principle, I completely agree with you. If that was your methodology for how you wrote this first chapter, I think you're on the right track, you just took it too far. You don't need all the action in a story in the first chapter--quite the opposite, I think we can agree on that--but my own view is that you need at least some kind of action early on, because a story that's completely devoid of action isn't very interesting.

And I'm not saying that this first chapter is devoid of action. Far from it. But what action there is feels like it's mostly setting up a stage. Which is fine, that's what the first chapter is supposed to do. The problem for me was that you'd already set up most of that stage in the description before the story had even started.

Now, I don't know what you have planned for this story going forwards. But, my presumption is that Autumn's arrival isn't going to go out of control right away--it's going to start off rather well, and then eventually things'll go wrong. If that's the case and if I were the one writing this, I think my inclination would have been to start the story where this first chapter ended.

Still, thanks for the advice. That has opened more doors for me to write.

Happy to try and be of assistance :twilightsmile:

9213577

Now, I don't know what you have planned for this story going forwards. But, my presumption is that Autumn's arrival isn't going to go out of control right away--it's going to start off rather well, and then eventually things'll go wrong. If that's the case and if I were the one writing this, I think my inclination would have been to start the story where this first chapter ended.

Autumn Blaze's anger gets worse throughout the story. Things will go wrong. :derpytongue2:

Just as I thought there was nothing more to see of the happiest kirin in the world... THIS happens:pinkiegasp:

Thanks good sir, you made my day:twilightsmile: Can't wait to see how the story unfolds!

9219727
Why, thank you very much! I want to make this turn out well. Next chapter will be out soon!

9261444
You're welcome.:twilightsmile: Can't wait to see more.

I apologise to everyone about taking so long with this story. Next chapter comes out today.

9276563
Thanks for coming along and leaving a comment. I'm so thankful that this story has done much better than Canterlot Bridge and has gotten over 475 views! :pinkiegasp:

Looks like we've just got a new character tag for Autumn Blaze. You might want to check it out:twilightsmile:

Autumn Blaze is tired of ponies and creatures thinking that she and the rest of the kirin are monsters. Losing her anger, Autumn needs her friends' help to calm her back down.

It should be temper, not anger.

This is really amazing, keep up the good work!

9350344
Thank you very much! I appreciate the wonderful feedback! My updates are not regular as I want to spend time on them before uploading the next chapter.

9350731
I understand, it's still a joy to read. I'm just worried for those stories that fade into discontinuity because of anxiety, fear, or otherwise.:applejackconfused:

9351269
I'm afraid of mucking some scenes up. Especially as my last horror story disappointed a lot of readers. I have no plans of cancelling the story, though.

9352595
Well Im sure it will be a spectacular and joy to read either way. Also, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

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