"This is a dumb idea."
"Exactly, that's why we are doing this!"
The royal guard in Canterlot is among the best of the best. Boasting the best in discipline, loyalty, skill, and more, only the best of the best were allowed to join its ranks. For Lieutenant Sharp Eye of the night watch, patience, temperament and lack of sarcasm were not at royal guard levels. To the pegasus stallion's credit, though, it is difficult to be cheerful when one is one of two creatures pushing a trebuchet from the armory into the gardens.
"Her majesty is going to kill you if you mess with her flower arrangements this close to the zebrican ambassadors visiting," he warned.
His companion, the only human in the world, chuckled and ruffled Sharp's mane. "Don't be an idiot, Sharp. I wouldn't DARE mess with Celly's precious... whatever flowers these are. Worst I'll get out of this is the usual when they catch me. Now man up and help me push this thing!"
"I'm not a man."
"Pony up, then!"
It took another hour to get the siege weapon into position. Had any other creature been seen pushing a trebuchet up to the inner walls of the castle, they might have been arrested for high treason or worse. But Nick had a certain 'diplomatic immunity' when it came to the over-the-top pranks he and the diarchs often pulled on each other, so most staff either turned a blind eye or decided that other areas of the castle needed their attention more than the current location. Pushing up a cart full of bags and a chalkboard, Nick started making basic calculations in between loading the mystery bags into the trebuchet while Sharp stood lookout.
"Any pretty pony princesses come by?"
"Nick, I do night watch from the top of the north tower three days a week. If I can spot a robbery in the market from there in the dead of night, I THINK I could spot our benevolent rulers."
Nick snorted in jest, a habit picked up from his equine friends. "I prefer calling them 'above average horses', mainly because of how defensive you guys get."
Sharp frowned, but shook off the thoughts of that argument for a more pressing question. "So Nick, what exactly are you planning?"
Finishing setting a magic crystal to fire the trebuchet later, he smiled his trademark 'prank time' smile. "Oh, just imitating one of the greats."
4 hours later:
The sun peeked over the top of Canterlot mountain as it began its slow descent, and dozens of very high-class ponies gathered in the central courtyard of the castle for a very important event. Nick was among them, wearing a fine suit custom-made for him by a certain generous fashionista, and enjoying a glass of wine with his best friends, Celestia and Luna. All three seemed happy together, but a trained eye could tell all three had something planned, not that they let any clues slip.
After an hour of enjoying time together as friends, the diarchs stepped up to the podium located on one side of the courtyard to give a short speech. "My little ponies," Celestia began, "We are gathered here today to celebrate each and every one of you, the best artists, painters, and sculptors Canterlot has to offer. Of course, art is nothing without a subject and an audience, so some of Canterlot's elite have come to see all your hard work over the past year."
Luna stepped forward to continue. "Furthermore, we hath summoned a great artist to have the honor of painting our sister and ourself, so please welcome the otherworldly artist, Nicholas Abernathy!" Hooves stomped the ground in applause as a unicorn shone a magical spotlight on Nick, and a pair of guards escorted him to the stage. The sisters had comically wide grins as Nick was all but dragged to the stage, but those grins faltered as he left the guards behind and walked up to the easel and canvas without any prompting.
"So, you called me here to paint the two of you in a way only a human can, hm?" Nick asked, choosing to sport a comically fake French accent.
Celestia and luna began to sweat nervously at their prank victim's sudden confidence. As a psychology major, Nick could barely draw a straight line, let alone a Van Gogh level masterpiece! "Y-yes, we decided to have you come and paint us, as you are the best human artist we know and we thought showing the elite members of the local artistry guilds human culture would be a great opportunity for them to grow. It's not as if you are really a terrible painter and would be a laughingstock, right?" Celestia inquired, hoping to tease the human with his imminent humiliation.
Luna cut in, her voice echoing through the courtyard. "Enough stalling! Paint us!"
The sisters froze as Nick grinned. They knew in that moment that they were about to suffer. Nick simply raised his hand, holding a small crystal, and threw it to the ground, activating it.
"With pleasure."
On the other side of the courtyard walls, a trebuchet launched gallons of glow-in-the-dark pink paint at the center of the platform, drenching both the solar and lunar diarch. As everypony stood stock still while their brains rebooted from the shock, Nick bowed to the crowd. "Thank you, thank you! You are all too kind! The princesses have been painted. I live here, so I'll be here all week. Toodles!" With that, Nick dashed off, vaulting over the guards and sprinting through the first archway he reached. As he ran, cackling like a madman at his latest prank, he covered his ears and braced for the inevitable.
"NNNNNNIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!"
That night, after a long chase through the castle the tracked paint everywhere, Nick was given his usual comeuppance, as he predicted. "Any last words?" Celestia asked, her and Luna's coats still softly glowing as they held Nick in the air with magic.
"Yeah, you two look really nice. Did you do something with your fur?"
And with that, Equestria's only human was dropped from the balcony into the moat below, for the third time that month.
lol great shit man.
have a like and fav
FIRST
remarkably no errors!
Nice story.
wait
is diarchs a word?
try co-rulers
Love u so much
Lol
9192002
Diarchs is a word, diarchy is what they have.
"Hi i'm Nicholas Abernathy, Welcome to Jackass"
9192283
Sorry, but if there's one thing I don't mess with, it's character origins that haven't been established in canon yet. Remember when everyone theorized discord was starswirl? Look where that ended up.
Let's play a game; Spot the Typo.
Yes to shinanagans.
Oh god no, this is hilarious I actually laughed aloud kudos to you this is funny and I love fics painting g Celestia in a informal light.
Nick is a Wilde one it seems. Sly as a fox.
Somehow I like Anton better.
*claps*
I'd have done the same thing....but with less dramatic flair. Always a bigger fish, I suppose.
9223374 A smarter alicorn would have immediately put up a shield spell, in anticipation.
Alas, not everypony can be as perfect as me! (Alondro has become a flawless red and black alicorn with a tear-mark under his left eye... he is perfect in every way, except for his flaws, which make him relatable, but still perfect)
9232449
Thanks for the best wordplay I've heard all day
Chapter one and it's already brilliant. Awesome.
9278909
Always happy to welcome a new reader!
Whatever you do, don't touch the red button.
And now I'm curious about how "CCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK" sounds
9278983
But it's not red unless you've already pushed it?
THAT is a Sheogorath-level prank, my friend. Well done!:)
9303054
*Quickly Googles Sheogorath*
Oh! Why, thank you! I guess it might have been a while since my last elder scrolls outing... I forgot him!
Nice, I would done a bob rose style of art work. I do love some happy trees
9278983
What red button
Nice!
This is great! Well done!
Huh...I'm gonna keep reading.
I can't stop laughing
9560886
Welcome aboard.
9303073
Okay, then you clearly haven't seen him in Oblivion or Skyrim. He's kind of hard to forget, given how greatly he resembles a human Discord in basically every possible way (he's less TV-Y, but he's in a less TV-Y series so that doesn't count as a difference)
Also, thank you for skipping all the paint-by-numbers Human in Ponyville antics while subtly implying they still happened. Looking forward to the implications of what he did about the Timberwolves (this was published late enough that it probably wasn't a manticore) (Why didn't my spellcheck have "manticore" until I added it just now?)
I love it
Holy Shit! What a masterpiece
My mind is blowing to pieces in laughter
I love puns and taking it literally? Absolutely priceless
Favorites from chapter one, very impressive
Celestias fur coat will show it the most normaly, but since it is glow in the night paint? Equaly effectiveness on Luna. Prank genius levels indeed ♡
hahahahahahhahahahahahha