Discord had done it. He had turned Ponyville into the Chaos Capitol of the World, the Mane Six were torn apart, and he was above it all. But then, that accursed letter was brought to Twilight, and all his hard work was unravelling by the second. Before he was turned to stone again, however, he noted that there was one crucial thing in his plan.
He was dying.
That's right, he was dying. The Princesses knew they turned him to stone, but they didn't know that the nature of the Elements would poison a being of pure chaos. Well, before he had to pass on, the dying spirit transferred his essence and power to a host that was compatible with the magic of the Elements and Equestria's harmonic nature, and the host he chose, was none other than Twilight Sparkle herself.
Thankfully, Twilight is still herself (mostly), but can everyone cope with the new spirit of chaos being none other than the Element of Magic herself? And how would Twilight react to this?
This story got featured. Formerly on haitus for editing and for the idea train.
Edited it.
9048127
Now remove the unedited chapter.
Looks better. Though it could still use some work. I also have autism so I understand what it's like, I found that just practicing helps a lot. Then again I've been practicing writing for four years now so it may take some time.
Great work, keep it up
muuuuch better, id say its abot 20 percent cooler the scene with discord makes more sense [as much as anything involving him ever does] the adition of the between scene is nice, theres some gramer errors here and there but those can be ignored once again this is a very cool idea and id love to see where it goes
its better
9048235
It's funny you mention gramer, sorry, grammar.
huh neat
9048149
What do you mean?
9048301
The edited chapter is the same as the chapter you first uploaded, just expanded, correct?
So why do you need the original in the chapter list if you also posted the edited one?
Me: Looks at the large amount of critical review on the story. Then looks at the fact the story is number 1 in the featured box. Then looks at the fact the story is on hiatus.
"How?!"
Wow, the improvement is strong in this one.
Nice. This one is a lot better. There's a reason to continue reading, (the mysterious figures), and it was a bit less exposition-y.
Now the part that comes with experience - knowing what to tell explicitly and what to imply. (To be fair, it took a lot for me to study this concept. As someone who used to have severe autism, nothing was automatic for me.)
Just an example - when Twilight heard the beeping, and she woke up in the hospital, people can assume that the beeping came from the machines there. Unless you want to describe particular machines, just leave the confirmation part out.
I'm not saying you should edit the chapter again or something. This is just for the future, to be a better author.
(Oh, and when you uploaded the edited chapter, you didn't delete the old one, just to let you know.)
Interesting so far, but I think you would have been better to just reedit the fist chapter and post a blog about it. Can't wait to see what will happen next.
Dear author, you'll probably want to refrain from posting two versions of the same chapter again, even if the second one is edited and improved. It's generally frowned upon by moderators because it bumps your story up onto Fimfiction's front page update section without actually providing readers with new content.
Besides, once you get down to deleting one of the duplicates, you will also end up deleting all the comments associated with that chapter.
9048320
You should read this comment:
9048367
Interesting story idea, can't wait to see where it goes
Hmm it's better then before I suppose , have a like for craps and Pringles.
I LOVE PRINGLES!
Hmm, what an interesting idea! I'll definitely be following this story on the journey it takes going forward! Though I think I should voice one complaint I have... After Twilight wakes up you keep writing about her feet. Ponies do not have feet... They have hooves... Though, if I'm being honest I also think that's a minor issue that doesn't really need to be fixed, since the point you were making still gets across easily. But as I said I will be following this story as it continues. So I will see you later!
9048367
Done and done.
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thats a spelling error not a gramatical error though there are plenty of those in my post too, thing is im not writeing a story im just makeing a comment, writeing never was my strong point i'm prone to run on sentences and faulty use of punctuation among many other things
Anybody have any ideas?
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Well, knowing is half the battle.
memeguy.com/photos/images/knowing-is-half-the-battle-147756.png
Eagerly awaiting the next chapter
9050550
Of What?
9058953
For the story, silly.
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No, I was asking what type of things? Story Related, Background, Adventures?
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All three.
9059036
Hmm...
9059036
What exactly are you having trouble with?
9050550
I have some:
-classic idea, interactions betwenn the elements and the now-chaotic nature of twilight's magic. I don't know, Twilight become sick, and die slowy of her inner conflict, or the elements reject her, or the two magics merge together and make something new (up to you)
-bullshit idea, now that the spirit of chaos is dead, the spirit of order and unity rise and begin his tyranny. Armed with both harmony and chaos, twilight and her friends will have to deal with it (up to you)
-comedy, just retold the episodes, but with a chaotic and absolutely not-in-controlled twilight. Complicated, you will have to make subtle joke, well-targeted puns and 4th wall-break (but not too much, and not only twilight-talking-to-invisible-people), or the audience will get tired or sicked of this jokes.
9050550
i think the two magics merge together and make something new but wile the two magics are merging with each other twilight gets a bit sick and wile thats happening twilight gets a visit of whats left of discord and gets dream lessons from him and at the end of it twilight gets all of discords memories and learns of what really happened between them a millennium ago
that ending was super random
Whoa mama. Great job on the exchanges, characterizations and future chapter set-up in all the right places. I particularly liked the reactions to the news that Twilight won't be able to use magic anymore and the support of Twilight's friends and family . The scene at the end with the "chaos hunters" was a great cliffhanger, too.
Too bad there is no indication that Twilight's friends were introduced to Shining Armor and Cadance MUCH sooner than in canon (since I would think Shining would be VERY concerned for his little sister concerning Discord's final stunt). Beyond THAT, though, I thought this was a VERY good chapter.
Anyway, I'll definitely be looking forward to more of this for as long as it takes for the hiatus to end.
I'm eager to see where this story takes us
well thought it would be a bit longer ... and please don't cut the story off in a middle of speech dialog
If your gonna say it’s in hiatus actually set it to that.
The last sentence of the author's note reminded me of Kim Jong Oof
If humans exist and no human tag, I'm done here.
9067928
I'm not intending them to be human. The armor might as well be part of their skin for all I care.
9067963
Righteous
They're after the Elements. I bet he's an evil villain that wants to take over Equestria? Also, I bet he won't be able to use the Elements of Harmony.
And you lost me. I liked the idea of Twilight becoming the New Lord of Chaos and the idea of Discord slowly being poisoned to death by Harmony.. but then you kinda went completely off the rails and into some strange world of presumably former humans traveling the world to hunt her, the loss of both her own magic and Discords (which really kinda defeats Discords original point of doing this so Chaos might survive I might add).
I wish you luck with whereever you're taking this crazy ride and hope those that contenue enjoy where you're heading, but I'll be getting off here.
A really good start, though I'm very curious as to how the new creatures will play into things.
I know you are still working on your writing skills, but please aim higher than "as you know, (insert basic fact about our society here)."
9072140
I'll agree there. The one exception is that Discord claimed that he did this to prevent chaos from breaking free of him and wrecking the world -- for even Discord didn't destroy -- and less for his survival. That said, I don't know how/why she's claiming that she can use her (and Discord's powers) if they are neutralizing and knows it. That sounds off.
Remove the people and ill track it.
Well this story had potential and then you screwed it up. Normally I don't comment on the story or criticize the author because they know better than I but I'm going to have to for this.
Now I'm not a good writer, my grammar is poor, my spelling is full of errors and my pacing is often to fast, however one thing I can do is tell a story and buddy you just screwed up big time. If you add humans or any other plot element you have to build up to it otherwise you leave the audience with a sense of: 'WTF just happened?'
If you want to add humans you can't just plop them in and call it a day, you have to give backstory or at least drop a hint in previous chapters that lead up to humans in equestria. At the moment you're still in the world building part of the story, this is the time you establish the setting, characters, characture personalities and even the plot of the story. Another thing is the idea that Twilight loses both her magic and Discords completely defeats Discords original point of doing this so chaos might survive and renders the original premise of the story redundant. The problem with this story is you are pushing it along to fast and with not enough established for the readers to understand what's actually happening.
As I said I normally don't complain but this is to big a screw up for me to leave without trying to help. My advice would be to go back and rewright the ending of this chapter and focus on developing Twilights personality and powers as a Draconequus. Another idea is to instead of simply placing the humans there use foreshadowing to hint that humans will be coming to Equestria maybe by using Twilights new Draconequus powers or by some other means . However the best advice to give is to wait on sending the humans to Equestria for a while.
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9149496
Actually guys, I believe that he didn’t just throw them in willy nilly, Twilight’s coma-dream of Gods who will wreak vengance upon mortals could have been the setup. Yes, he could have explained that a bit more than he has, but if he plans to keep it to mostly Twilight Sparkle’s point-of-view, than a worldbuilding of something that Twilight does not know would defeat the purpose of that.