Starlight vs Thanos

by Thought Prism

Purple Fight

Author's Note:

Very mild spoilers for Infinity War, obviously.

And I still regret nothing.

Sunburst, thanks to the helpful escorting work of Twilight and Spike, arrived at the Map Room. Twilight flung the doors open with her magic, and their eyes immediately widened at what they saw. Namely, the giant, swirling portal hovering above the table and the perplexed mare staring up into it.

"Starlight!" exclaimed Twilight as she leveled a stare her of the sort a mother would their misbehaving child. "We talked about this! No more travelling back in time and upsetting the fabric of reality!"

Starlight, startled by the sudden voice, whipped around to face them. "It wasn't me this time, I swear!"

Spike narrowed his eyes at her. Sunburst just looked at the portal, dumbstruck.

"Seriously, look!" said Starlight, gesturing at the portal. "This was open when I got here. I'm pretty sure the map wants us to go through it."

Upon closer examination, the portal did, in fact, have both Starlight's and Sunburst's cutie marks spinning in a circle around the edge.

"Huh, you're right," said Twilight. "I apologize for jumping to conclusions."

Starlight sighed. "It's fine."

That particular misunderstanding resolved, Sunburst started prancing in place. "This is so exciting! Who knows where it'll take us?"

"I'm ready to find out if you are," replied Starlight, smiling.

Sunburst trotted up to her. "Sure, let's go!"

Then, without further ceremony, Starlight grabbed the pair of them in her aura and carried them upwards through the hole in reality. Once they were through, the portal closed with a bang behind them.

"Well, that's that, I guess," said Spike, already leaving the room.

Twilight, meanwhile, stood rooted in place, her eyes still fixed on the space above the table. "Oh, I hope they make it back alright. They didn't even pack any snacks!"

---

The portal dumped out Starlight and Sunburst onto a cold, hard surface with a thud. As they pulled themselves back onto their hooves, the two unicorns could barely see their surroundings, as they were now in a much darker location than the interior of Twilight's shiny castle.

"Ugh, where are we?" asked Starlight, rubbing her head. "Do you see the friendship problem, Sunburst?"

When Sunburst did not reply, Starlight just elected to wait for her vision to adjust. When it finally did, her face morphed into a shocked expression that mirrored the one already worn by Sunburst.

They were standing in a metallic corridor strewn with rubble. Flames danced across exposed wires and other technologies neither of them could place. Said flames illuminated the dozens of alien bodies strewn about on the floor. Some had been stabbed or cut open, blood oozing slowly from their wounds. Others had been brutally battered or crushed by heavy impacts.

However, there were still a few people left standing. Chief among them was a menacing-looking purple giant wearing golden armor. After staring at Starlight and Sunburst for a few seconds, he raised an eyebrow and turned to face a lanky man with long black hair. "Is this a joke?"

The long-haired man was trying very hard to not appear extremely terrified. "Of course not, mighty Thanos! I have no idea where those things came from! I am Loki, god of lies, not god of idiocy."

The giant - Thanos - hummed in contemplation.

Before he could speak again, another man with blonde hair and an eyepatch started shouting at them. "Hey! You there! Small purple and orange horses!"

The pair of ponies in question hadn't noticed him before, given that he had been fully encased in bits of metal somehow, but now he held their attention. "Uh, yes?" Starlight asked.

"Please, if you are able, you must help us!" he exclaimed. "Thanos and his warriors have slaughtered my brethren, refugees of Asgard! He must be stopped, before countless more innocent lives are lost!"

Sunburst went pale. "That's bad. This is really, really bad. Starlight, what do we do?"

Starlight was at a loss for words, her ears folding back as she continued to process the situation.

Thanos frowned down at her. "You seem to be here on accident, little ones. It is best you do not interfere in my business. Do that, and I won't interfere with yours."

At this, the blue, noseless man to his side clasped his hands together. "O' great titan, generous as ever!"

Growling, the man with the eyepatch struggled against his bonds. "Bastard, you also said that when he was busy killing everyone!"

"By Father's beard, Thor, stop talking," said Loki through clenched teeth. Then, to Starlight, he added "Seriously, don't even think about fighting these people. You'll be crushed like grapes. Be glad he's only here for us."

"Yes, that is true. No more distractions," said Thanos as he took a menacing step towards Loki. "Where were we? Ah, yes, hand over the stone or your brother dies."

As one of the other warriors leveled a spear at Thor's head, Starlight took a deep breath. Seeing what was about to happen, Sunburst frantically gestured for her to stop, but it was too late.

"Wait, hold on," said Starlight, completely ignoring Sunburst's silent pleas to the contrary. "So, and correct me if I'm wrong, but this big Thanos guy is an evil, genocidal maniac?"

"Those are such ugly words," said the noseless alien. "My liege brings balance to an ungrateful universe. Watch your tongue, or I may not be as merciful as he."

"In other words, yes!" exclaimed Thor.

"Ok, that's all I needed to hear," said Starlight, resolute. Then she charged her horn and fired a fast-moving ray of light at Thanos.

With reflexes honed over centuries, Thanos brought up his right hand, cloaked in purple energy, to block the attack. However, it was not the concussive or disintegrating beam he had been expecting, but rather a spell with entirely different effects.

The instant it touched his body, the Mad Titan was polymorphed into an eggplant.

Jaws dropped all around as the Infinity Gauntlet clattered to the floor. While they were distracted by the shock of the situation, Starlight rapidly hit the four other ne'er-do-wells with the same spell, transforming them into vegetables also.

Sunburst started at Starlight in utter bafflement as she casually blew a wisp of smoke off the tip of her horn. "There we go, crisis averted!" she said.

"I...what...how...you...?" stammered Loki.

"W-Whatever happened to not solving every problem with magic?" asked Sunburst.

Starlight rolled her eyes. "I'm fairly sure I wouldn't have been able to talk them down, Sunburst."

Sunburst sat down and crossed his hooves. "Well, maybe I was supposed to! The map called us both, remember?"

"Hmm, I guess so," said Starlight. "What should— oh, I know!" She then levitated over the assorted produce that had formerly been Thanos and the Black Order. "Why don't you make these poor fellows a salad?"

Sunburst looked to the floating veggies, then back to Starlight. "Did I hear that right?"

"I mean, I'm a terrible chef, and they look like they could use a nice lunch," she explained. Then, Starlight casually cantered over to where Thor was trapped and pried the metal open with ease.

With a huge grin on his face, Thor pulled her into a hug. "Huzzah! You shall be spoken of in the legends of our people until the end of time!"

She managed to force a wheezy 'thanks' through the crushing grip of his arms.

At this point, Loki had pushed back enough of his disbelief to form complete sentences. "You know what, I actually am a bit peckish."

Sighing in resignation, Sunburst turned to the still-being-hugged Starlight and asked "Hey, can you—"

There was another quick flash, and suddenly there were bowls and silverware for each of them. "Thanks," he muttered, starting to chop up the vegetables with his magic. One quick flavoring spell later and the four of them were happily eating together as they tried their best to ignore all the fire and corpses. However, before the two ponies could get more than a few bites in, their cutie marks started to glow again, and the return portal opened up above their heads.

"That's our cue. Bye Thor, bye Loki, it was nice meeting you," said Starlight.

"Take care, small purple Starlight!" replied Thor.

"Wait, so you just drop in, save our lives, and then leave, just like that?" asked Loki.

Starlight nodded. "That's how it works. We got sent to solve your, er, friendship problem, and we did."

"Can you at least resurrect all my serv— friends first?" Loki pleaded. "At least, I assume a being of your immense power could accomplish such a feat."

Sunburst gasped. "Necromancy is extremely dangerous and forbidden! How could you ask something like that?"

Starlight ignored him again. "I could, but they'd just come back as a bunch of soulless zombies. I've never really spent that much time studying more advanced dark magic. Like, once you know how to mind control somepony, who needs any other spells?"

This put a wide smile on his face. He turned to Thor. "Can we keep her? She seems fantastic."

Thor groaned. "No, Loki, you may not."

Sunburst chuckled awkwardly. "Well, I suppose we should be going now. Don't wanna be stuck... wherever this is."

Nodding, Starlight waved farewell to the pair of gods, then pulled herself and Sunburst up through the portal once more.

Comments

[JDPrime22]

How it should have ended.

[everydaygamer]

That was fun, I also kind of want to see what kind of mischief Loki and Starlight would get up to together.

[FanOfMostEverything]

"Lord Thanos, I don't feel so good..."

But yeah, pretty sure that falls under the Matter or Reality Stones' purview. Enjoyable bit of crack, and excellent timing on my part. I only just saw the movie less than an hour ago. Thank you for this.

[Marcthelightspark2004]

8908599
Sequel?

[calinjc]

[Booster Spice]

TEACUP.

[Franky]

What the........ OMG I can't stop laughing. Nice one

[luckyboys121]

Like, once you know how to mind control somepony, who needs any other spells?"

This put a wide smile on his face. He turned to Thor. "Can we keep her? She seems fantastic."

Lol this made me laugh like crazy. Awesome story

[CrimsonNight1]

I want a salad now.

[Macdaverin]

And just like that she saved 16 favorite characters.
Starlight, you deserve to be an avenger/guardian.

[JakJak75]

Peckish indeed.

[How to avoid swords]

Huh...I kinda think this is wrong but I also don't care because this is a crack fic....so carry on I guess

[Zapper Frost]

Huh.... problem solved

[Jade Dawn]

Hey, if it means that Spider-Man doesn't die, then I'm happy!

[Tethered-Angel]

Bout time Marvel saw a decent magic user!

[Alondro]

Starlight vs Thanos?!

Poor Thanos... if only he had trained in the NEW way, he might have stood a chance.

[Xanatos Speed Chess]

Starlight is best Eggplant Wizard.

[MrAquino]

Infinity Meal

[MrAquino]

*Hulk bashes right in*
Aww... Hulk wanted to pet ponies.

[Domohnta]

Never thought I’d actually find a perfect fanfiction.

[Sonic Rainboom Dash]

8909228
*Thor looks at hulk, then back to loki, then over where the ponies left from*
Uh, hulk? If they can turn a being that is praticly a god into an eggplant, then petting them might be bad for your health.

[Scarheart]

🍆<---- Thanos.

[Midday Giggle]

Can we just appreciate he fact that Thor, Loki, Starlight and Sunburst eat Thanos and his minions in salad?

[Seraphem]

This was just so bizarrely hilarious.

Also, that opening really made me want to see what would happen if Starlight got her hooves on the Time Stone.

[The Fan Without a Face]

I'm betting Thanos is wishing he had the Reality stone right about now.

[The Fan Without a Face]

8908677
Not really, at the time all Thanos had was the power stone, which grants him unlimited strength, not making him magic proof. He'd need the reality stone for that and as we saw in Infinity War, when he had Four Stones he was still suceptible to Mantis's powers. Thus if that works on him when he has Four stones, I think Starlight's magic could work if he had just one stone.

[Blank-Page]

this was way funnier than it should have been.

[Bojack H]

makes you wonder if thor had just thrown his chopper about 5 inches to the left then thanos wouldn't have really been able to wield the gauntlet...not without a left hand that is.

[Royal7]

You should link the first one if this is the second in the series.

[titanhades70]

Starlight = Best heroine

[Anar Isil]

8909683
Here ya go!
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/383379/scootaloo-vs-chrysalis

[Boltstrike58]

Now if only they'd turned Thanos into a prune, that was still somehow wearing his armor.

[The Devious Writer]

Okay but you have like... the Power Stone and the Space Stone. Revive them yourself, Loki. You know where Reality is and with Space and Power you can easily reach and take it from the Collector. That’s if you don’t know about the Time Stone so as to reverse their deaths or to offer to find the Soul and/or Mind Stone to avoid any zombie problems when Starlight revives them.

[Magnus Orion]

A much better ending.

[Sun Sage]

Thor made this work. Great stuff, and thank you for a much better laugh than I anticipated.

[Manifest Harmony]

Doctor Strange, eat your heart out.

[Royal7]

8909784
no, I meant to link this as a sequel, so the other one would appear in a box to the side, or at least in the description.

[HowMuchWood]

8909611 Well I mean, he also needed to throw it into the path of the Beam of Certain Doom that was coming his way, no?

[calinjc]

8909551
...But not at full power.

[nitewing]

8910040
even at full power thanos has some weaknesses. namely anything that stops him from using the power of the gauntlet.

[calinjc]

8910057
Whatever.

[Raccoon Writer]

I am curious...wouldn't one of the stones prevent him from being polymorphed?

[Rescue Sunstreak]

8908585
Yep, at least then the movie wouldn't have been the disappointment it was. I have always hated Thanos from his very first inception in the comics. Really poorly thought out "bad guy" on so many levels. (not as bad as Sombra but...at least thanos got more screen time )

Love the story, going by the downthumbs I would say there are some people who just don't get humor.

[Jonny Bench]

I now want a fic with starlight and Loki becoming best friends

[tzening]

8910121
He only had the Power Stone in the beginning and didn't put in the Space stone until he was finished with Thor, Loki and The Hulk. To deflect a polymorph spell, he needed the Reality or Time stones. That timeframe was the only chance Starlight's spells ever had a chance of working. That's why the portal threw them to the beginning of Infinity War instead of say: Knowhere (Reality), Titan (Time) or Wakanda (Mind). She will get crushed like a grape in all other situations.

[pizzafryer]

Yeah, those stones are completely the Elements of Harmony. I guess, there was no brony who did not think of that meanwhile the film.

[the other sans]

I'm sure Heimdall didn't see that one coming.

[tzening]

8910233
Surprisingly, even most of the colours and themes line up.

Purple=Power=Magic=Twilight
Blue=Space=Looney toons Teleportation=Pinkie
Red=Reality=Doing the Impossible=Rainbow Dash
Orange=Soul=The backbone of the group=Applejack
Green=Time=Temporal Shenanigans=Starlight Glimmer

The only one I couldn't fit would be the Mind stone, since there are no yellow elements unless you count Fluttershy.

[Condray]

This put a wide smile on his face. He turned to Thor. "Can we keep her? She seems fantastic."

Don't trust Loki around horses

[TheArquius]

Mr. Stark... I'm craving eggplants.