An attempting writer who loves villains and thinks Sundagio is best ship.
Shipping 💖11,670 stories ·9,742 members
The Writers' Group56,392 stories ·9,291 members
RariJack537 stories ·1,942 members
FlutterDash1,424 stories ·2,585 members
I Just Want a Comment15,704 stories ·3,671 members
The Shameless Self-Promotion Bureau49,223 stories ·5,457 members
A lot of time has passed since the Battle of the bands. The Rainbooms have reached out to the Dazzlings to be their friends. Through hardships after hardships the Dazzlings finally gave in and became their friends. With the rivalry died down new bondings could grow in its place, and oh it does.
Page generated in 0.126 seconds
Total duration
971 users online
2,048,852 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Firstly, this site can always use more siren stories. Love the Dazzlings to death, so I’m always excited to see more people writing them
Now, I’m going to come out and say that this is a lot better than how I remember my first attempts at writing a story turned out, but there’s also a lot of room for improvement. Sorry in advance for the massive post, but there were a number of small things that I think you could correct to make your writing better.
Okay, so. Your opening paragraph is weak and clunky.
First of all, if “the only sound in the house was the groaning,” doesn’t that imply that it was pretty quiet? Saying both of those things is redundant, and the latter part is the more evocative, so there’s not much reason to say both. Furthermore, the audience already knows who all of these characters are, and they all know each other in the story as well, so there’s very little point in not coming out and saying their names right away. You could replace that whole first sentence with, “The only sound in the house was Rainbow Dash’s groaning,” and I think you’d be more concise while expressing the same ideas.
Firstly, notice that you used the word “time” twice in the same sentence. Not to say you can’t do that, but it’s better to avoid it if you can. Is there maybe a clock or something Rainbow Dash could look at instead? Also, “messed with her phone,” is pretty vague, and you mention a more specific detail (Checking email for the tenth time) right afterwards. In general, specific actions are more evocative, so those are the kinds of things you want to use. You could rewrite this sentence as, “She sat in a recliner, checking her emails for the tenth time, when she looked at the clock.”
Couple other things:
This is going to be a little weird and confusing, I’m afraid. When you use a dialogue tag (Said, stated, inquired, asseverated, etc.), you use a comma instead of a period and you don’t capitalize. In that case, it’s kind of like the dialogue and the attribution are all part of the same sentence, so you don’t interrupt them with a period.
So this sentence should read, “ ‘Come on Fluttershy, we’re going to be late,’ said the rainbow haired girl, shifting uncomfortably in the chair.”
Alternatively, if you had said, “ ‘Come on Fluttershy, we’re going to be late.’ The rainbow haired girl shifted uncomfortably in the chair,” then you could capitalize and use a period because there’s an action but no dialogue tag.
The same rule applies when you want to use exclamation or question marks, but the punctuation doesn’t change based on whether there’s a dialogue tag or not, just the capitalization.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with how you’ve written this, but most people would probably use the contraction “we’re” there instead of the full “we were.”
Watch your homonyms. “Your” is a possessive adjective, so you can only use it if “his” or “her” would also make sense. Here, you’re describing a state of being, so you need to use “you’re,” instead.
I don’t know that it’s technically wrong to use semicolons there, since you’re breaking up what could be multiple independent clauses, but there’s nothing stopping you from using the less obtrusive comma. Not to say there’s anything wrong with semicolons, but they’re less common then commas, so they pop out more and that’s not always a good thing for punctuation to do. You could rewrite this sentence as “Applejack, Rarity, Sonata and Aria took the couch, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash took the love seat, and Adagio took the recliner.”
However, I would also question whether or not it’s really important that the reader know exactly where everybody sat. It feels to me like Adagio getting the recliner, Sunset being left standing and everybody else filling the other seats are really the only important details. Could you say something like this, maybe?
That’s just a suggestion, of course, but I feel like that captures the necessary information more succinctly than what you have there right now, and that’s something you should definitely be thinking about. Specific details are good things, but also think about which details are right to mention. There’s obviously not enough space in a story to describe every single aspect of a scene, so try and figure out which parts matter and which parts don’t, and then exclude the latter.
There was only on other time I saw this happen, so I’m not going to put up too much of a fuss, but still. If two different people are speaking, they should never both speak in the same paragraph.
More homonyms. These should also be “you’re,” because you’re describing something. Also, that should be a “too,” not a “to.” The former is an adverb, the latter is a preposition. So you can throw something to someone, but you can’t throw something too someone. Also, ellipses. Three dots, no more. I know it’s tempting to use more to represent a longer pause, but it’s not correct. Just stick with three.
Lastly, I’d suggest combing through at least one more time just to catch a few more typos. Missing or superfluous punctuation, improper capitalization, that kind of thing. As I said, you’re not off to a bad start if this is your first attempt at writing a story, especially when writing a scene with this many characters. I’d love to see you keep at it, though!
Thank you for your comment. I'll try to remember these things for future chapters. Your help is very appreciated!
Stupid, sexy puffy hair!
You think the Dazzlings could have a pet?
Maybe? I might have a idea about that.
Rarity and Applejack.
It might be.
After the scenes with Scarlett, absolutely Rarity and Applejack!
>car pull
I don't think the amount of gas saved is worth the effort it takes to physically pull a car.
Try carpool.
That leaves with Pinkie Pie.
All in all pretty decent. The poster above me covered a lot of the problems. Another thing to remember with dialogue is to not put more than one speaker in a paragraph. It makes it much more difficult than necessary to follow who's saying what. Great first effort, though.
Cute, very cute
and my favorite couple is SunDagio
and yes, you should be write a sequel.
Good work!
Ahhh, why not. I love fluffy and cuddly.
Real live corpses are better anyways.
Yes!
Scarlett and Rarity.
8847902
True
Perfect!!!! Yer a wizard scaly!!!
My response to your note: fair enough.
Also first!!
My top five favorite map ships:
1: SciSet
2: Sundagio
3: Sunlight
4: Flutterset
5: Rarisun
Ok... I love the story, but... So many errors... So... many... errors...
“Now wouldn’t that be a shame?“ Remove the second that
Nice chapter and second