• Member Since 28th Sep, 2017
  • offline last seen July 8th

Leviathan Jaeger


An attempting writer who loves villains and thinks Sundagio is best ship.

Sequels1

T

A lot of time has passed since the Battle of the bands. The Rainbooms have reached out to the Dazzlings to be their friends. Through hardships after hardships the Dazzlings finally gave in and became their friends. With the rivalry died down new bondings could grow in its place, and oh it does.

Chapters (6)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 24 )

Firstly, this site can always use more siren stories. Love the Dazzlings to death, so I’m always excited to see more people writing them :twilightsmile:

Now, I’m going to come out and say that this is a lot better than how I remember my first attempts at writing a story turned out, but there’s also a lot of room for improvement. Sorry in advance for the massive post, but there were a number of small things that I think you could correct to make your writing better.

Okay, so. Your opening paragraph is weak and clunky.

It was a quiet evening, the only sound in the house was the groaning of a certain rainbow haired girl.

First of all, if “the only sound in the house was the groaning,” doesn’t that imply that it was pretty quiet? Saying both of those things is redundant, and the latter part is the more evocative, so there’s not much reason to say both. Furthermore, the audience already knows who all of these characters are, and they all know each other in the story as well, so there’s very little point in not coming out and saying their names right away. You could replace that whole first sentence with, “The only sound in the house was Rainbow Dash’s groaning,” and I think you’d be more concise while expressing the same ideas.

She sat in a recliner and messed with her phone. After checking her emails for the tenth time she looked at the time

Firstly, notice that you used the word “time” twice in the same sentence. Not to say you can’t do that, but it’s better to avoid it if you can. Is there maybe a clock or something Rainbow Dash could look at instead? Also, “messed with her phone,” is pretty vague, and you mention a more specific detail (Checking email for the tenth time) right afterwards. In general, specific actions are more evocative, so those are the kinds of things you want to use. You could rewrite this sentence as, “She sat in a recliner, checking her emails for the tenth time, when she looked at the clock.”

Couple other things:

"Come on Fluttershy, we're going to be late." Said the rainbow haired girl, shifting uncomfortably in the chair.

This is going to be a little weird and confusing, I’m afraid. When you use a dialogue tag (Said, stated, inquired, asseverated, etc.), you use a comma instead of a period and you don’t capitalize. In that case, it’s kind of like the dialogue and the attribution are all part of the same sentence, so you don’t interrupt them with a period.

So this sentence should read, “ ‘Come on Fluttershy, we’re going to be late,’ said the rainbow haired girl, shifting uncomfortably in the chair.”

Alternatively, if you had said, “ ‘Come on Fluttershy, we’re going to be late.’ The rainbow haired girl shifted uncomfortably in the chair,” then you could capitalize and use a period because there’s an action but no dialogue tag.

The same rule applies when you want to use exclamation or question marks, but the punctuation doesn’t change based on whether there’s a dialogue tag or not, just the capitalization.

"I'm sorry Rainbow Dash, but Angel needed to be fed. I didn't want him to be hungry while we were gone."

There’s nothing inherently wrong with how you’ve written this, but most people would probably use the contraction “we’re” there instead of the full “we were.”

"Your just jealous you can't have perfect hair Aria."

Watch your homonyms. “Your” is a possessive adjective, so you can only use it if “his” or “her” would also make sense. Here, you’re describing a state of being, so you need to use “you’re,” instead.

Applejack, Rarity, Sonata, and Aria took the couch; Fluttershy and Rainbow dash tool the love seat; and Adagio took the recliner.

I don’t know that it’s technically wrong to use semicolons there, since you’re breaking up what could be multiple independent clauses, but there’s nothing stopping you from using the less obtrusive comma. Not to say there’s anything wrong with semicolons, but they’re less common then commas, so they pop out more and that’s not always a good thing for punctuation to do. You could rewrite this sentence as “Applejack, Rarity, Sonata and Aria took the couch, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash took the love seat, and Adagio took the recliner.”

However, I would also question whether or not it’s really important that the reader know exactly where everybody sat. It feels to me like Adagio getting the recliner, Sunset being left standing and everybody else filling the other seats are really the only important details. Could you say something like this, maybe?

The girls distributed themselves amongst the seats, but coming up one short left Sunset with little space. “Oh, Sunny, you can sit with me.” Adagio made room on the recliner, beckoning to Sunset.

That’s just a suggestion, of course, but I feel like that captures the necessary information more succinctly than what you have there right now, and that’s something you should definitely be thinking about. Specific details are good things, but also think about which details are right to mention. There’s obviously not enough space in a story to describe every single aspect of a scene, so try and figure out which parts matter and which parts don’t, and then exclude the latter.

"Going so soon." She said looking at the pony turned human. "Well, I do have homework this weekend that I need to get done." came Sunset's answer.

There was only on other time I saw this happen, so I’m not going to put up too much of a fuss, but still. If two different people are speaking, they should never both speak in the same paragraph.

“Your.........Your my....best friend to, Sonata”

More homonyms. These should also be “you’re,” because you’re describing something. Also, that should be a “too,” not a “to.” The former is an adverb, the latter is a preposition. So you can throw something to someone, but you can’t throw something too someone. Also, ellipses. Three dots, no more. I know it’s tempting to use more to represent a longer pause, but it’s not correct. Just stick with three.

Lastly, I’d suggest combing through at least one more time just to catch a few more typos. Missing or superfluous punctuation, improper capitalization, that kind of thing. As I said, you’re not off to a bad start if this is your first attempt at writing a story, especially when writing a scene with this many characters. I’d love to see you keep at it, though! :twilightsmile:

Thank you for your comment. I'll try to remember these things for future chapters. Your help is very appreciated!

Stupid, sexy puffy hair!

You think the Dazzlings could have a pet?

Maybe? I might have a idea about that.

After the scenes with Scarlett, absolutely Rarity and Applejack!

>car pull
I don't think the amount of gas saved is worth the effort it takes to physically pull a car.
Try carpool.

That leaves with Pinkie Pie.

All in all pretty decent. The poster above me covered a lot of the problems. Another thing to remember with dialogue is to not put more than one speaker in a paragraph. It makes it much more difficult than necessary to follow who's saying what. Great first effort, though.

Cute, very cute :twilightsmile:
and my favorite couple is SunDagio :heart:
and yes, you should be write a sequel. :pinkiehappy:
Good work! :coolphoto:

"Ugh, not everything has to be so fluffy and cuddly Sonata," Aria told her.

Ahhh, why not. I love fluffy and cuddly.

"Ah yes, this Friday is Halloween. Alright, lets go," she told them. As they made there way out the door Adagio turned to Aria and said, "But this year you can't hang a fake dead corpse in the yard, we had enough problems with the complaints and police calls last year."

Real live corpses are better anyways. :pinkiecrazy:

Chapter three. One couple down, more to go. Who do you think will be next?

Scarlett and Rarity. :rainbowwild:

"Slytherin?"

Perfect!!!! Yer a wizard scaly!!!:twilightsheepish:

My response to your note: fair enough.
Also first!!

My top five favorite map ships:
1: SciSet
2: Sundagio
3: Sunlight
4: Flutterset
5: Rarisun

Ok... I love the story, but... So many errors... So... many... errors...

Comment posted by DovahLord1233 deleted Nov 8th, 2018

Adagio took a sip of her coffee and looked at her. "I saw you two at the party, and how you looked so confused after her hug." Before Fluttershy could say anything, she kept going. "You two are always together, at the movie nights, after school, at the mall. It's very obvious you have some, special feelings for your rainbow friend. But if she doesn't know about those feelings, she might develop some feelings for someone else. Now that wouldn't that be a shame?"

“Now wouldn’t that be a shame?“ Remove the second that

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!