• Member Since 21st Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Jlargent


Not much to say really, I write stories for the Brony Nation and the Pegasister Alliance that's all I do really.

T
Source

In the aftermath of her actions in Camp Everfree Timber Spruce convinces his sister to take a mini-vacation to get her mind off of what happened. But a sudden rainstorm changes everything, and for the better. Rated T for slight language.

Image from SunsetMajka626 profile on Deviantart.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 14 )

Shouldn't this be HIS sister, not HER sister? seeing in the movie Timber Spruce was a guy and not a girl.

Timber Spruce convinces her 

8382731
I look forward to reading this when I get off of work in the morning as I am on break right now.

dont have characters keep saying each others names thats not how people talk

This has potential but needs some work. Tenses are inconsistent, among other things.

there is way too much time devoted to exposition filler that the reader already knows

The romantic bit seemed tacked on and needs to be better built toward

This could be good, but there are quite a lot of errors, like using past and present tense, grammar issues, the story seems rushed, and I found a part where you said the same thing twice. :applejackunsure:

She replied before heading to the cashier and paid for her drink, I saw her talking to the clerk and said clerk reaches down underneath the counter and pulls out a daisy-yellow umbrella. Sunset grabs the umbrella and thanks her before returning.She replied before heading to the cashier and paid for her drink, I saw her talking to the clerk and said clerk reaches down underneath the counter and pulls out a daisy-yellow umbrella. Sunset grabs the umbrella and thanks her before returning

Also, why do you call it SunFlower?

8383720 Well Gloriosa is a type of flower actually, that and Sunorisa doesn’t roll off the tongue right in my opinion so thus Sunflower.

8383775
GlorioSet? Or GlorioSunset?

8383798 Fixed the repetition, and how about we just leave it at Sunflower okay?

Ok, so while I like the idea, especially since I've never seen a Gloriosa x Sunset shop, I cannot continue reading. People have already pointed out a few flaws before this, but it definitely needs a lot more than a little work. The grammar, not including the tense changes, and spelling are pretty bad. There are several points in the about half that I read where you start a thought an then just abruptly stop what you were doing and continue the sentence from a completely different point that seemingly had nothing to do with where you were to being with.

And then there's the punctuation. The saidisms are particularly poorly punctuated with places where you sound have comma'd but instead full speed only to have it followed up by 'X explained'. That, though, is not where I drew the line, but instead I stopped when I got to this:

After placing my suitcase near the couch Sunset offered to cook dinner, I blushed at the mention of food as my stomach growled it’s irritation, Sunset giggles and began preparing dinner, I headed to the TV and decided to look at her movie collection, the majority of the discs are fantasy, romantic comedies and sci-fi, I picked a random movie and place it in the player, after skipping the trailers I started the movie, it was about thirty minutes into the movie that Sunset announced that dinner was ready, the smell coming from the bowl was heavenly as Sunset dishes out the spaghetti and meatballs, there was also some Parmesan cheese which I added a generous amount to mine and the two of us headed to the couch to watch the movie and eat dinner since there wasn’t a real need to eat at the table, Sunset also grabbed a couple of glasses of iced soda and we at our meal in relative silence only speaking about certain points in the film

That is one, single, ungodly long run-on sentence. At least half of those commas in there need to be periods.

If you're able to work on your literary skills, then this could be good, but until then lack of practice, critique, and a good teacher will forever hold it back.

“You see I wasn’t born around here, I’m not even from this side of reality, I came from a parallel world where the inhabitants are equine in nature. Simply put: Ponies.” She said.

Why is it that I read this in the most dramatic and deadpan Sunset Shimmer tone my mind could think of :rainbowlaugh:

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

You don't need to tell us what POV we're in, or when a dream sequence happens. Your audience will be able to infer that from context.

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