(This is a sequel to my first story, "What is Fame without Friendship?" Special thanks to wildberk for editing this story, and HoovesLikeJagger for the awesome cover art!)
After being together for a year, Laughing Stock is ready to propose to his girlfriend, Twilight Sparkle. The only problem: Her brother, Shining Armor doesn't think the comedian is the right stallion for his sister. Laughing Stock is willing to do anything he can to prove he is the perfect stallion for Twilight, even if it means spending a week in a cabin with the Royal Family.
Chapters (9)
Yes! Sequel!
not bad. I'm not a big fan of ocXtwilight shipping but I'm enjoying this.
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I'm glad you liked it!
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Just wait til the next chapter, Luna has dialog!
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Thank you, it really means a lot!
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Well...ok. Only because you used a Fluttershy emoticon.
Any complaints about grammar or negative opinions about this story should be directed towards me. I take a lot of pride in editing this story, making sure that the genius that is RandomHero gets his story out in a manner that everyone will love.
RH's story is awesome. The end.
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Nah, it's fine berk. I'm a big boy, I can take it...sort of.
While I'll agree Kev has a point, I don't think it makes the story (or the previous one) worthless by any means. Besides, it's a bit hard to discern things like that in a setting like Equestria, where canonically there are really very few out and out interequinal conflicts. That said, Laughing gets rather a lot of 'pet the dog' and other such moments that are taken as a partial indicator of a Mary Sue or Gary Stu.
The hardest part about that is once you realize that's a problem, it becomes almost impossible to correct- including characters into the story you're telling who don't like the OC just to show that (at least) some people don't like them is equally much a sign of a Sue/Stu character.
I think the point I'm trying to make is that this is something you should take as a note for planning any future stories and especially any future OCs, and not as an indication that you should somehow 'fix' this story. While some ponies will be bothered by it to the point it becomes a major flaw, as long as you keep out of a lot of the other Sue/Stu territories, you can pretty much prevent yourself going in that direction.
I forget the address, but it's pretty easy to find- just do a websearch for the 'Mary Sue Litmus Test', there are a few things about it on Fanfiction.net as well. As long as you look out that you're not including more than a little of such stuff in any given character, you should be fine (especially pointy nitpickers notwithstanding).
That said, I rather like this series. If Laughing Stock really is a Gary Stu, he's a notably more mild form of it than the offenders who really make it a bad thing. He and Twilight warmed to each other rather quickly, but that's just unusual, not impossible. Your characterizations overall are pretty good, though with a few moments in the previous 'fic seemed like you were trying maybe a little too hard to squeeze interactions with everypony in in a short space of time. It -is- a touch far-fetched that he had a rather negative first interaction with four out of Twilight's five best friends (and his second with Applejack effectively 'made up' for that), so watch out for that sort of thing in the future.
Your grammar seems to be fine, and I seem to recall one or two moments so far where something was misspelled, I wish I could point them out to you but I've gone and forgotten. They weren't big glaring problems though, and overall your writing is fairly good. You seem to be a bit short on description- not in terms of adjectives, but ways of referring to things. Might try mentioning more about how things/ponies/etc. seem or feel (in an emotional or aesthetic sense, not a five-senses sense). Also, nearly every time Celestia speaks she's 'the princess', and you lean rather heavily on 'said'. Try using some descriptors to refer to ponies ('Twilight' is also 'the bookish pony', 'the librarian', 'the great student', 'the element of Magic', 'the small pony' (as noted by Applejack, since most ponies are of a standard size in the animation), 'the lavender pony', 'the straight-maned pony', 'the younger pony' if she's in a conversation with someone older than her, and any number of other things, just to give examples from one character) instead of just their name or one position they hold over and over again.
Worth reading I'd say.
Write on!
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I will agree with you one hundred percent that my first story moved very quickly at some points. I chalk that up to my first piece of fictional writing...ever. I am used to writing news stories.
I am doing my best to slow down with this story, thank you for being very helpful.
ExtraCheese: "Hah. I bet this is gonna be another one of those lame romance stories by another idiot."
ExtraCheese: *Finished reading every word in the story*
i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/002/796/447px-Manlytears3.jpg
IT'S...GLORIOUS...
If anypony (that isn't wildberk) can guess the comic that inspired many scenes in this chapter, I will do something for them...I'm not sure what yet.
chzgifs.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/69baee3a-6b52-4bfc-baae-3e4290b2c50c.gif
Just because
A CALVIN AND HOBBES REFERENCE IN A FIC why thats a good ...enough...idea.....MINE DIBS ITS MINE !!!!!!!!!
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Yay! You win a watch from me...it's not very exciting, I know.
lol i gotta start writing
Typo found. desperate to escape confines of the evil square
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Fixed.
This is to help you but I would re read this as there are a few mistakes, also its marefriend not girlfriend.
-Mr. Carnage
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That's what I thought. They use girlfriend in the show, so I wasn't sure.
Thank you for the help.
Shining Armors reaction to Monopoly Game:
1.bp.blogspot.com/-J1M4hW_sA0s/TbxQo9FDpyI/AAAAAAAAAC0/i4eS-c-8b_Y/s1600/fuuuuuuuuu.jpg
FFFUUU: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufsf_-a_H9Q
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Shared with Luna for being stuck in jail a majority of the game.
Need moar!
I was very surprised and very happy when you put an Calvin and Hobbes reference in your story.
Not bad. I'm pretty sure you've got the record thing twisted around though. If I recall correctly, what Calvin's Dad said was that the inner point and the outer point move at the same speed (the speed you spin the record), but the outer point travels much farther- and yet they both complete a circle at the same time.
Also, you're still referring to everypony by their name every single time- it's not a big issue, but it is noticeable.
Some interesting ideas here, I like your choices for place renaming on 'Monopoly- Equestria Edition'.
Keep writing!
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First of all, I'm SO glad you figured out where the record bit came from. And yes, I probably did get it wrong. I will take another look at it. Thanks for that.
I'm starting chapter three, trying to not use the names as much, your advice has not gone unnoticed, believe me.
Luna stole me joke from the last fic! Also: Shouldn't this prove to Shining that Laughing Stock can provide for Twilight?
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Just like in the real world, Monopoly bits can't really be spent.
949107 Still, he beat him at a money making game. He has to have SOME skills. I mean of course Celestia would do good, she ruled a country for a thousand years!
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We are a loooong way from Shining Armor's approval.
And BTW, that whole game was based off my personal Monopoly experience. I either win or the board gets flipped.
949267 Speaking of game boards being flipped makes me think of the internet series 'Tabletop'.
LUNA is sooo adorable here hehehhehe MY FORTUNE HAS BEEN DOUBLED!
“You are certainly having your moment in the sun Icarus, but you will fall sooner or later.”
Dafuq?
>Icarus
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Greek mythology.
Shining Armor... you suck
I can see how Laughing Stock is going to break down... and how Twilight is gonna slap her brother hard
This chapter tried a lot of different things but I think that it turned out really well! I look forward to the next chapter!
After rebuilding the block fortress, the ponies discussed who should go first. It was determined at random that the order would go Shining Armor, Laughing Stock, Cadance, Twilight, Luna and Twilight.
I think somethings wrong with this sentance
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Sorry bout that.
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it's all good its just I obsess over this kind of stuff
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Don't worry, it was much appreciated!
I sense there is going to be a fight between siblings... and it will end in tears
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After reading this document so many times you tend to develop blind spots in grammatical errors...
Ironic fatality is the best kind of fatality!
Another great chapter!
Things seem to be going well for Laughing but I sense shining armor has something nasty up his metaphorically there sleeve for him.Can't wait to see what happens next.
Ponies and monopoly all I have to say is PFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Awkward questions, There is a simple solution, flip the board and run away
Freaking awesome mate can't wait for the next chapter
I like Celestia's story the best, it has everything you need in under 3 sentences!
A shiver ran through me as celestia finished her story
Drunk Celestia=
->
->
Hangover Celestia=
Celestias scary story ftw
Don't steal from Publix.
Thanks, Management
Always a good time with this story.