“LUNA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”
The irate comedian pushed the princess away.
“Did we not kiss thou properly? We have witnessed thee do it with Twilight enough, so we thought we were prepared.”
“No, the kiss was fine. I mean, YES, YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG! You know Twilight and I are going to get married, but you drop a bomb like this? Are you crazy!?”
“Yes we are crazy” Luna moved closer to the stallion of her dreams. “Crazy in love.”
He ran his hooves though his mane, his usual method of showing frustration.
“Luna, please don’t do this. I think you are a great friend, but I can’t love you because I love Twilight.”
“Thou can’t love both of us?”
For a split second, he entertained the thought of Princess Luna on his left and Twilight on his right.
“That’s not how things work now. I’m not sure what things were like before you were banished, but now it’s one stallion, one mare. With the occasional exception for couples that are interested in…you know what, forget that last part.”
The dejected princess hung her head, her eyes beginning to well up with tears.
“We are sorry if our advances offended thou…we just thought if we made everything special, our feelings would be reciprocated.”
“What did you do make special for me?”
“The reason our sky is so bright tonight is because of thou. We did it for thou.”
The comedian placed a hoof on his forehead.
Seriously, what did I do to deserve this?
“Luna, I am happy you followed my advice. That makes you the first pony to do so since…well ever actually. But you and I won’t work, if you are ok with it, I would love to still be friends.”
Without saying a word, Princess Luna left the tub as fast as her hooves could take her. Laughing Stock quickly followed her, afraid she may do something to harm herself. When he made it to the cave’s entrance, she was gone. Looking up at the sky, he noticed that the moon that had previously been aglow with light that rivaled her sister’s sun, was now almost as black as the sky that surrounded it.
Well…at least tonight can’t get much worse.
***
Correction, NOW tonight can’t get much worse.
When he made it back to the cabin a few minutes after Luna took off, he was greeted by an upset older brother. Without a word, he used his magic to throw the comedian into the nearest wall, lifting him high enough to look into his eyes.
“You really had me fooled, you know that? But now it is obvious that you are the fool!”
“Well then, maybe I should change my job title from stand up comic, to court jester! Am I right?”
Shining Armor showed his appreciation for the comedic arts by slamming him into the wall a second time.
“Geez…tough room. What did I do? Two hours ago, we were squirting each other with a hose and breaking Princess Celestia’s stuff.”
“Don’t act dumb with me!”
“It’s not an act…”
The guard’s nostrils flared at the fact the comedian wasn’t taking this situation seriously.
“I saw you in the hot spring with Luna!”
The pinned stallion’s eyes suddenly doubled in size.
Oh…now I get it! I am so screwed.
“All this talk about you loving my sister was a lie. If you really did love her, you wouldn’t be locking lips with Luna!”
“Shining Armor, please understand me when I say that you have no idea what happened! Wait…I didn’t even see you there, how do you know what went on?”
“Per your request, I went to join you in the spring to back up what you told my sister… the first thing I saw when I walked in was Luna on your lap, kissing you.”
“You weren’t there for the beginning or the end of that situation, you have no idea what went on!”
“I agree with you there. I wasn’t around for the whole thing, but I saw enough.”
The helpless earthpony had one last card he hadn’t played yet.
“Go upstairs and ask Luna! She will tell you what really happened!”
“She isn’t here. She must be back at the spring where you left her.”
The doomed pony asked a rather obvious question.
“So…I’m assuming that the proposal is off?.”
The unicorn answered his question with a gut wrenching chuckle.
“Isn’t it obvious? Not is the proposal off, I’m also ending your relationship with my sister all together!”
“WHAT! You can’t do that!”
“Well, actually you’re right. I can’t physically end it…you are going to end it because I told you to.”
“That’s not fair!”
“It’s not fair to my sister that you kissed Luna!”
Laughing Stock decided to use the guard’s own words as a last ditch effort to save his relationship.
“You said yesterday that keeping your sister and I apart would hurt her.”
“It probably will at first, but I will introduce her to somepony better. Then she will forget all about you.”
“What am I, a dog? Besides, I’m one of a kind. You can’t replace me!”
“How hard can finding another chubby stand-up comedian?”
“…ok that part will be easy. But she won’t forget me easily. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m Laughing Stock! I’m famous, my name and face is everywhere.
An evil smile slowly formed across the unicorns face.”
“You’re famous now…but when Equestria discovers that you are a Changeling sympathizer, everyone will view you as a traitor to ponykind. Your career will be over, and you will be arrested.”
“So if I leave your sister…my life will go on normally.”
“Yep, you have until tomorrow night to figure it out. We leave for home the next day.”
“You’re a real asshole…you know that?
Shining Armor released his magic grip on Laughing Stock before heading upstairs for the night. Picking himself off the ground, the broken comedian stumbled into the kitchen to get some water. While reaching for a glass, he noticed a bottle of alcohol left over from the other night.
Everfree Everclear?! This would definitely mess those lightweights up. I wonder if I still have the tolerance I used to have…NO! I am better than this! I quit years ago!
He tried to walk away, but old feelings began to resurface. He remembered how much easier his problems seemed to be when alcohol was involved.
I won’t take a sip! I’ll just…smell it! Yeah, nopony ever became drunk off smells.
Inhaling the aroma, it reminded him of a happier time in his life, when the bottle was the only thing that mattered.
Taking a sip won’t hurt right? I mean, I’m not going to get drunk off one little sip…
Tilting his head back, he watched the clear liquid move closer to the bottle mouth.
“Laughing Stock, what are you doing?”
Before the drink could reach his lips, he turned around to see a concerned white alicorn. When he realized what he was doing, he smashed the bottle on the floor.
“Celestia! I can explain!”
“I heard a large thump a few moments ago, and now I find you with a bottle in your hoof. Is there something you would like to talk about?”
Laughing Stock admitted there was something on his mind. He followed the princess into the living room, ready to tell her everything that had happened in the last hour.
“I’m so sorry for almost drinking again…I just haven’t felt like this since my parents died, and seeing the bottle jogged my memory.”
“No need to apologize to me Laughing Stock. I am the one who owes you an apology.”
She placed a hoof on his shoulder.
“I have known for awhile that Luna has feelings for you, but I didn’t say anything. I should have explained how things work now.” She looked away from the stallion in front of her. “She was timid about telling you, so I didn’t bother giving you or Twilight heads up. I never thought she would actually do it.”
“It’s not your fault princess. I don’t even blame Luna, it was an honest mistake. If anypony is to blame, it should be me. I gave her advice yesterday on how to tell somepony you love them.”
The comedian thanked Princess Celestia for taking a moment to speak with him. As prepared to give the her a hug, she stopped him.
“You were already caught with one princess tonight.”
After laughing for a few moments, both ponies said good night and went to their separate rooms. As he climbed into bed, he made sure to sleep facing away from of Twilight. He didn’t feel like looking at her, he felt ashamed for some reason. As he started to drift off to sleep, he felt her hooves wrap around his chest, her tail slowly curling around his leg.
Before Twilight could figure out what happened, Laughing Stock was out of the cabin running into the woods. Grabbing a blanket, she chased after her boyfriend, fearing something horrible had happened. She found him at a nearby campsite, hunched over and crying.
“Hey you!”
The teary eyed stallion turned around to see the love of his life standing behind him. She wrapped him in the blanket while asked him what was wrong.
“You have to promise to keep this between us.”
“Of course! You can trust me.”
Laughing Stock told his girlfriend everything that had happened with Luna, Shining Armor and almost succumbing to temptation. She grabbed her stallion and pulled him close.
“I want you to listen to me. Luna is not your fault, I do NOT consider you a cheater. It was just an awkward situation, but you handled it properly. I am very proud of you.
Wiping his nose, the comedian asked what he should about her brother.
“I’m going to let you in on a little secret…as much as I love him, I think he can be a real pain in the flank sometimes.”
“You won’t get an argument from me, but what do I do?”
Twilight asked him if he thought the relationship should end.
“NO!”
“Then don’t worry about it.”
“But he said he was going to break us up if I-“
“We are the only ponies that can end this relationship. He can introduce me to all the chubby comedians he wants, but none of them will be as amazing or chubby as you.”
With a flash of the lavender unicorn’s horn, a roaring fire appeared in the nearby fire pit. Laughing Stock took a portion of the blanket and wrapped it around his mare. For the remainder of the night, they cuddled under the blanket and watched the fire burn down to embers.
***
The day Laughing Stock was waiting for finally arrived. Hearth’s Warming Eve. Tonight was going to be the night Twilight became more than his girlfriend, she became his future wife. Unfortunately, that wasn’t going to happen any time soon.Since everpony seemed to be on edge, the dragged on rather slowly. Princess Luna and Shining Armor refused to come out of their rooms, so the other four ponies played cards all day.
“Cadance, got any fives?”
“Go fish.”
Laughing Stock pulled a card from the pile as he asked the young princess what she thought of last night’s events.
“Personally, I think Shining Armor overreacted. I understand his concern when he first walked in the cave, but to actually threaten you like that? That’s not like him.”
She turned to her left and asked her aunt if she had any tens.
Reluctantly, the ruler handed over three cards.
“Anypony want to go out to eat tonight? There is a restaurant in town that looks good.”
“It’s not really a restaurant Princess.” Laughing Stock paused to collect two aces from Twilight. “It’s a dive bar…with decent food.”
“Well, everypony grab your scarves, its dinner time and I don’t feel like cooking. I’m going to get Luna and Shining Armor.
Twenty minutes later, the party of six walked into the restaurant. Being a Saturday night, the place was packed with the locals, relaxing from a hard work week. A hushed silence rippled through the establishment as they noticed both Royal Pony Sisters and Laughing Stock, gracing the bar with their presence.
The owner came out and offered them the best table in the place, right in front of the stage where the karaoke machine sat. He provided the group with free food and free unlimited karaoke if they so desired. Princess Celestia seemed excited.
“That sounds delightful!” Who is going first?”
Nopony volunteered.
“Laughing Stock, why don’t you get things going?”
Unenthusiastically, the stallion walked toward the book with the long lists. Flipping through the book, he saw one song that caught his eye.
For the love of Celestia, this song is PERFECT!”
Laughing Stock walked up to the owner and asked him to play the song. He was more than happy to comply. The comedian took the stage, looking over the sea of faces and waited for his song to begin.
The music intro started and everypony turned toward the stage once they recognized the song. It was Heartbreaker, by Pat Maneatar. When the first verse started, the comedian turned singer began to belt out the lyrics.
Your love is a tidal wave, spinning over my head
Drownin’ me in your promises, better left unsaid
You’re the right kind of sinner, to release my inner fantasy
The invincible winner, and you know that you were born to be…
Before the chorus started, the entertainer pointed a hoof at Shining Armor and stared right into his eyes.
You’re a heartbreaker
Dream maker, love taker
Don’t you mess around with me
You’re a heartbreaker
Dream maker, love taker
Don’t you mess around-NO NO NO!
Laughing Stock leapt from the stage and landed on his party's table. He offered his girlfriend his empty hoof and she joined him on the makeshift stage. He held her hoof close and gazed into her perfect purple eyes.
Your love has set my soul on fire, burnin’ out of control
You taught me the ways of desire, now it’s taking its toll
You’re the right kind of sinner, to release my inner fantasy
The invincible winner, and you know that you were born to be…
Once again, he glared at the white unicorn that was sitting at the table.
You’re a heartbreaker
Dream maker, love taker
Don’t you mess around with me
You’re a heartbreaker
Dream maker, love taker
Don’t you mess around-NO NO NO!
Laughing Stock continued with the next verse, but when the chorus came around, he dropped to his knees in front of the stallion that was the source of his frustration. He grabbed the guards scarf and pulled him inches away from his face, so there was no way he could misunderstand what he was saying.
You’re a heartbreaker
Dream maker, love taker
Don’t you mess around with me
You’re a heartbreaker
Dream maker, love taker
Heartbreaker!
When the entire song concluded, he looked his audience. He waited for their reaction. They blew the roof of the place. He wasn’t sure if it was because he was famous, or if they actually liked his singing.
Somepony in the audience started shouting out requests.
“Play Freebird!”
Laughing Stock rolled his eyes.
“How bout no!”
“How bout Ponhemian Rhapsody?”
“Will somepony throw this little silhouetto of a pony outside?!”
“Don’t Stop Believing!”
“Hey buddy, I’m serious. I’m here with my friends and girlfriend. If you don’t shut up, I'll send you on a journey through the window.”
“Play Stairway to Cloudsdale!”
“I can’t! The sign in the back says no! I’ve had enough of this anyway.”
Climbing down from the stage, he joined his group.
“Sweetheart, you did amazing!”
The stallion put his front legs around Twilight, bringer her close and kissing the top of her horn.
“Uhh...Laughing Stock, your fans are back.”
Shining Armor pointed behind the comedian to the two mares that propositioned him the last time he was here. They walked up to the table, making room for themselves. They started eyeing the lavender unicorn
“So this is your girlfriend? You could do so much better. She’s so...plain.”
“That’s how I like them, plain and disease free...unlike the two of you.”
Twilight begged Laughing Stock to ignore them. She reminded him that it was supposed to be a fun night.
“Yeah, listen to the boring unicorn over here, Laughing Stock. Ignore us.”
Twilight turned to the rude mare, telling her that her insults were inappropriate and unwelcome at their table.
“What are you going to do about it?”
To everyponies surprise, the non confrontational unicorn used her magic to bring the mare’s face closer to her.
“If you don’t leave my friends and boyfriend alone, you’ll have to deal with me.”
“You? Don’t make me laugh!”
“I warned you, Harlot!”
The angry unicorn used her magic to throw the mare against the bar. She turned to her friend, who promptly backed away, running over to her downed friend.
As she sat down, Twilight noticed everyponies eyes at the table were on her.”
“I’m sorry I lost my temper everypony, but she had the nerve to hit on you after I told them to leave, somepony had to do it.”
Laughing Stock’s reaction wasn’t quite what she expected.
“Twilight, that was the most amazing thing I have seen you do! Where did you learn to do that?!”
“You can’t go to a bar with Applejack with out learning a thing or two about fighting.”
An hour later, everypony except Twilight had performed a song. Princess Luna sang an awkward rendition of “More than a Feeling”, Shining Armor performed “Piano Mare”, and Princess Celestia’s cover of “House of the Rising Sun” went over well. Twilight’s was waiting for Cadance to finish her song.
“Cadance...that was an interesting song choice. What was the name of that band again?”
“For the third time, Aunt Celestia, they are called Arch Enemy.”
“Oh, my mistake...I couldn't hear you. In fact, I’ll never hear again after that.”
With Cadance murmuring something nopony appreciating death metal, Twilight took the stage.
“I dedicate this song to my boyfriend, Laughing Stock!”
As soon as the song intro started, the comedian recognized it immediately. It was his favorite band, The Black Veil Bridles. He watched in awe as his girlfriend strutted her stuff on stage, singing along on stage to their song.
I cannot hide what's on my mind
I feel it burning deep inside
A passion crime to take what's mine
Let us start living for today
She walked to the end of the stage and looked at her brother.
Never gonna' change my mind
We can leave it all behind
Nothin's gonna' stop us
No not this time
Her gaze shifted from the white unicorn, to the black earth pony.
So take your hoof in mine
It's ours tonight
This is a rebel love song
Hearts will sacrifice
It's do or die
This is a rebel love song
When the song concluded, Twilight blew her boyfriend a kiss, which he caught and placed on his cheek. The stallion behind Laughing Stock, reeking of whisky, patted him on the shoulder.
“Wit’ a mare like dat, you be one lucky sum bitch.”
The comedian watched Twilight descend from the stage.
“You’re right, I be one lucky sum bitch.”
***
“That was certainly an entertaining evening.”
Princess Celestia plopped on the couch as the rest of the group followed suit. After spending most of the evening at the restaurant, everypony was too tired to do anything else but go to bed.
“I have an idea.” The white alicorn suggested, pulling a bag from the hall closet. “It will be Hearth’s Warming Day in a few hours, let’s open presents now!”
The room full of ponies agreed as boxes and envelopes were passed around.
“Can we open thy gift first sister?”
“Sure Luna, go ahead.”
The princess of the night opened her present with the assistance of her magic.
“Haha, our sister has given us a book!”
Twilight’s ears perked, hearing the word book.
“What book is it Luna?”
Twilight read the cover after receiving it from Luna.
Your Speech Impediment and You
“We will start reading immediately!”
Princess Celestia smiled at her sister.
“That’s a novel idea.”
***
With most of the gifts unwrapped, the living room was littered with colorful paper and ribbons. Princess Celestia asked if there were any more presents that needed to be distributed before they cleaned up.
“I have one.” Laughing Stock walked over to his girlfriend, giving her a present.
“It feels like a book, it looks like a book, and it weighs the same as book…I wonder what it is.”
To noponies surprise, it was a book. Twilight held up it for everypony to see, when she noticed it looked familiar.
“Is this my book?”
“Yep.”
“Laughing Stock…is this some kind of joke?”
“Nope. Open it up.”
Twilight opened the book and to her surprise, a letter fell out. After opening and reading the letter, her eyes filled with confusion.
“He somehow managed to get my book published…what did you do?! The publishers said it needed something personal.”
“I found something personal to add.”
“Really? What was it?”
Laughing Stock answered casually, sipping his cocoa.
“Your diary.”
Twilight’s face turned as white as Princess Celestia.
“I’m kidding honey. Look in the back.”
She quickly flipped to the back, furiously scanning the pages to see what her boyfriend added.
“Every friendship report I ever wrote to Princess Celestia is in here…”
“I thought it would be a good idea for your readers to see them. They can actually see how you learned about friendship, plus it’s personal.”
“Laughing Stock…I…I don’t know what to say…”
“The publisher said it’s only a matter of time before it’s a best seller.”
The author threw her front legs around her boyfriend, tears streaming down her face.
“This is the greatest thing anypony has ever done for me! I have never been so happy in my entire life, I love you so much.” She kissed his cheek as she squeezed him as tight as she could. “This is the greatest Hearth’s Warming Day present ever!”
“What about the other present?”
Everypony pony in the room turned toward the voice. It belonged to Shining Armor.
“What other present are you talking about.”
“The one you needed MY help with.”
The earthpony wracked his brain trying to figure out what the unicorn was talking about.
“…do you mean…?”
The royal guard nodded slowly.
Laughing Stock made it upstairs and back in a matter of seconds. In front of their friends and family, he called Twilight over to the fireplace. He dropped to one knee, opening the little black box that contained her ring.
“Twilight Sparkle, the day I meet you was the greatest day of my life. This past year has been the greatest year of my life. I want the rest of my life to be as good as things are now, but in order for that to happen, I need you to be there. Will you marry me?”
The lavender unicorn just stood there trembling, unsure of what to do.
“I…I don’t know what to say…”
The stallion’s heart dropped.
“What do you mean you don’t know what to say!?”
“I was trying to come up with something romantic that would make this moment memorable.”
Laughing Stock smiled, telling her that a simple yes would make this moment unforgettable.
“Yes!”
The couple embraced, holding each other tighter than ever before. Looking over Twilights shoulder, he saw the faces of the ponies that have helped him make this dream a reality. Princesses Celestia and Cadance smiled thought their tear streaked faces, Princess Luna clapped her hooves, and Shining Armor just sat there.
Looking directly at his soon to be brother in law, he mouthed the words thank you. To his surprise, he replied with a wink.
“Oh! Laughing Stock, I almost forgot! I have a present for you as well!”
“Twiley, you didn’t need to get me anything.”
The newly engaged mare handed her fiancé a massive box. Making short work of the wrapping paper, he ripped open the package to reveal his present inside.
“Well, how did I do?”
“It’s…a frying pan.”
“I’m not sure why you would want one, but I bought it for you anyway.”
“I love it, but when did I say I wanted a frying pan?”
“You didn’t tell me. When you were in Canterlot with Rarity that day, I tidied up the library. While cleaning, I found a JC Pony Hearth’s Warming Day catalog with this very frying pan circled.”
***
A/N: I don't know why, but I love the idea of Cadance as a metalhead. Here is the song she "sang". Actual song starts at 1:35