JackRipper
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8018119
Thank you!
And to answer your question, it's because I prefer quality over quantity, and I am not used to writing large amounts for extended periods of time with no editor.
I have also never written anything pornographic, and the framework for this story was laid out around four in the morning.
Prime Value? Was he an appraiser or something like that? Is he an Earth pony as well?
8018535
You'll find out soon enough!
It's by no means bad, but it doesn't really stand out. It's bland but not without potential. I'll give it a few chapters to see if it gets interesting
8020544
Uh? Thanks?
The next chapter is already done, I'm just working ahead at this point, trying to piece together the plot as a whole.
Love the story
any news on the new chapter for into the twilight? 
8020705
I, uh, started it?
I'll have it done before my break is over, I promise. I just wanted to finish this first.
I'm in love with the CoCo.
Other than this little discrepancy, not bad. I hope the OC gets a little more characterization, but so far it's still looking promising.
8023559
Fixed it, and more characterization will come, I just don't like to come out and state his appearance, because I believe that's a sign of poor writing.
8023569 I mean personality, not appearance. At the moment, he's kinda just standard.
8023634
Let me rephrase that. I'm planning on fleshing the character out as a whole throughout the chapters rather than say everything at once, I want there to be something new to learn every chapter. You don't come to appreciate a character when you have everything laid out in front of you.
I enjoyed it, though I think the Author's Note would be more effective at the top than the bottom
Rule of romance stories I've learned:
If you reach a point where your audience knows all either character has to do is say, "I like you" to the other to get together, the pacing is off
So now, we know he comes from a family of bankers and that he has a grey coat and mane (or is the mane the color of the suit's interior?). Plus, we know he has brothers. So, what will we learn next?
8024183
Maybe I shouldn't be writing these chapters at four in the morning?
8024710
A gray coat with a black mane with a lineage of bankers, he feels his cutie mark must be hereditary though he can't seem to hold the related career for very long for one reason or another.
8024355
At the end of the day, porn is still porn. It was never my intent to draw this out into a full-length romance story, but I still felt I needed to add depth to my characters, otherwise it just felt shallow and unsatisfying.
agh, im actually physically distraught there isnt more of this! please write more.
8028003
The next chapter is already written, I'm just ironing out a few details.
I also want to release the next chapter alongside my other story "Into the Twilight," so that people can read both on the same day.
8032389
The next chapter is going to be the longest one, complete with an epilogue as well.
Sorry, but all good things must come to an end, and I may revitalize that characters in this story for later use if I'm feeling up for it.
Will read... eventually...
Don't you know that ponies/people are supposed to have other people/ponies to love?
Cartoon/ Writer logic!
(News must NOT travel from Ponyville...)
JUST BUCK ALREADY!
A gentlecolt through and through... until later with the 'Sex' tag...
YES!
*squees*
FORESHADOWING!!!
Does he remember what he was doing when he got his cutie mark? Banking is more than likely not where his talent lies.
Coco is probably going to have the mother of all hangovers in the morning. And we still have to deal with Prime opening that letter and Rarity showing up.
8063701
Despite her sounding quite drunk, she didn't actually drink much at all.
She's a bit of a lightweight.
Update tomorrow, probably.
Great job on the new chapter, very sweet!
For a bit of constructive criticism, it would have been nice to have a bit more time between the "my brothers are dead" to the "fuck me" part, but otherwise it was a great chapter.
8100374
Yeah... I know. I just felt like that was something he bottled up for a long time, it was one of the things that caused her to act the way she did.
I'll provide a little more context in the epilogue, I promise.
This story is enjoyable. I have read many stories here on Fimfiction, ranging from expertly done to shallow. With your story I can definitely say I truly enjoyed it. I felt connected to the main character and, though it was short, immersed within the world you created. The music you were inspired by was also a good background to read this story in, it complimented the mood. Keep up the good work, and even though this is a good place to stop with Prime and Coco, I wouldn't mind reading more about them. You had my curiosity, now you have my attention.
8128900
I'm glad to hear it, and thank you for the follow!
I'd never developed an OC before, but I felt like there were no potential suitors that would fit well when it came to courting Coco, so I had to make my own.
The hardest thing about this story was making them their own person, and not a manifestation of myself, and while there are certain parallels between Prime Value and I, I think I did a fairly good job.
The atmosphere was actually really easy, I don't live in the city. Though before writing this, I had visited New York's Time Square, and that was the vibe I wanted, which coupled nicely with Prime's cynicism.
All in all, I was theory crafting potential sequel ideas, but nothing tangible enough to make them concrete. If there is a sequel, it won't be for a long while. Though if you want to expedite the process, you can PM me any ideas you may have.
More on the way soon! Two one-shots lined up and finishing a story that's been on hiatus for nearly two years.
And so it begins.
First, I'd like to say that your prose has improved considerably since you've written this, so I'll try to abstain from those types of comments. As a pony that edits for you, there's a lot of things that I could say, but instead I'll focus of the story itself.
No duh, eheh.
Breaking the fourth wall this early is a sensitive affair, and though it works, it could have been worded better.
Coco is written well, cute and adorable as she should be. Your main character being a bit of a dick, intentional though it may be, prevents me from becoming truly empathetic to his personal issues.
Gonna keep reading, but I like the setup
Naughty Jack, naughty.
Adorable.
Still a wonderful job writing Coco, that silly little mare. Also I'm glad to see a bit of humility from Prime is nice, even as he's watching her flank like they're glued to it
Ahh, you're slippy guy, I'm actually starting to feel for Prime. From giant plothole to dedicated sweetheart. The locket was sweet, as well as Coco's reaction and identification of what might be his real talents. I'm enjoying this more and more as I go on, which is the sign of a good story and good writer.
The only negatives I can really give is that you could be a bit more descriptive about everything: Surroundings, facial features and expressions and the like. These are things you'll improve upon as you continue your craft, just keep them in mind and keep up the good work
A-bucking-dorable.
A good portrayal of drunken Coco, honestly, and before I get into the deep meat of the chapter, I would have been more interest to hear how she tasted, verses just hearing that here lips were soft.
This was a great step for Prime. The amount of restraint shown in this chapter is almost dumbfoundedly noble that I had a smile on my face for the rest of the chapter. Way to show character growth man, really
Hmm, I agree with Nero on his pacing comment.
Probably some of the more tasteful clop that I've read, filled more with emotion then the splattering of walls with thick liquid.
Prime giving up his chance to work with Rarity was indeed a sacrifice, though I also felt Coco might have been able to go to Ponyville as well, but that's a nitpick.
Good chapter, well worth the build up and an excellent payoff.
Done and done, eheh.
Great story, Jack, really. The cannonically accurate ending was both sweet and satisfying.
I want to see more of these kinds of stories, not just from you, but on Fimfic in general. I could feel a sense of emotional attachment that you had these two, and it made the writing all that more passionate.
Adorable, cute, and it only got better as I progressed.
Good job
This was a nice short and fluffy read. I'll do a shout out to hopefully get a few more readers for you. I enjoyed the story!
8178932
You're the best.
A nice, short and fluffy read. I liked it very much.
And it has good potential for a sequel.
Cheers!
\m/
8183344
Thank you, though I'm not sure if I'm ready for a sequel any time soon.
WELP this took a dark turn.
...Why did I never found this fic in the past? And I was on the progress of making a Coco fic too
This is definitely a classic, I can clearly picture Coco saving someone that ends up like Prime. The length of the story is a bit... 'unique', I would say. It definitely goes for a while, but the scenes are short and pretty compact, so it doesn't feel too long, though there are some parts where the pacing is a tad too quick, it's still pretty good~
You mentioned the 'drunk Coco cliche', but I'm glad that Prime didn't take that opportunity, making the drunk Coco more cute then anything else
It might actually be a necessary to get things going~
I think one of the strongest moment in the fic is when Rarity finds out about Prime's brothers, offers him a job, but he declines. Wasn't expecting that at all, knowing how he seems to care for Coco by not being a burden and able to get his own money. Now I wonder what happens if he accepted that job, does one night of 'yee-haw' with Coco before he departs... then he get to return to Manehatten when Rarity opens a branch there, setting a happy reunion with Coco? That sounds pretty legit
I'd give this fic a solid 8.5/10~ Definitely a gem of value
Ah, this is how we know it’s fantasy. An attractive female selects a homeless jobless male she just met and invites him to live with her.
> It was a full minute and a half before she attempted to console me.
These time comments always bother me. Go set an alarm on your phone for ninety seconds. Wait it out. Then imagine a conversation just pausing for that long while nothing else is going on.