Getting On Like a House on Fire
Being a Wonderbolt wasn't exactly how Rainbow Dash had once dreamt it would be, but the long road to the blue and yellow had tempered her expectations. Mostly. The nickname incident could've gone better, though at least she'd been able to convince a certain alicorn that while it was a valuable lesson on the importance of communication, nopony needed to write a letter to anypony about it.
Dash's friends were another aspect of her life she hadn't foreseen, and being a hero was even less like she'd expected than being a Wonderbolt. Even after giving her jewel back to the Tree, she was still the Bearer of Loyalty as well as the Element itself. Twilight had tried to explain how that worked to her once; neither had wanted her to try again afterwards. The point was that since Twilight's map might decide Dash's awesomeness was needed somewhere in the world at any time, she couldn't station herself in the Wonderbolt barracks. Still, she made up for that by giving it her all every practice.
Spitfire certainly seemed to notice. By the end of the week after Dash's disastrous first show, the captain gave her a nod as they entered the locker room, where the rest of the team already was. "You did well out there, Crash."
Dash didn't even wince; she just stood up straighter, despite the muscle aches. "Thank you, Ma'am!"
"Oh! Rainbow!" Surprise trotted over, already out of her uniform, highlighting her uncanny resemblance to Pinkie Pie, if Pinkie were bleached, winged, and about half as thick, rock farmer build swapped for hummingbird-like agility. "You flew off for Ponyville before we could tell you to wait last week! You missed the best part about Fridays!"
Dash smirked. "What, Carbo Load actually made something edible in the mess hall?"
"Spoken like somepony with regular access to earth pony cooking," said Blaze as she walked into the locker room, distinguishable from Spitfire largely through voice and the yellow in the captain's mane. "Don't know how you stay skinny as you do."
Spitfire nodded. "I remember that care package from the Academy. Had enough calories to keep most ponies going for three days."
"And it's not that," said Surprise, bouncing in a very Pinkie way. "It's—"
"Okay, 'Bolts, gather round." A white-coated, black-maned pegasus mare moved to the entrance of the locker room with a clipboard held in one wing, her mark a rag polishing a statue. "Time for the roundup!"
"Yes!" Surprise pumped a hoof. "You are gonna love this, Rainbow."
Dash gave a shaky smile. "Honestly, I'm not sure how much awesome I can take today."
The stranger shook her head. "Don't worry," she said. "I don't think anypony would call this awesome."
"More like hilarious," said Surprise.
"In a sad sort of way, yes." The mare offered a hoof to Dash. "Publicity Stunt, head of Wonderbolts PR."
Dash bumped it. "Rainbow Dash. But you probably already knew that."
Publicity nodded. "Oh yeah. Best Young Flier, multi-time savior of Equestria, general doer of the impossible. By all rights, you should be a household name, but the gossip columns aren't big on ponies actually doing well. Of course, that's where I come in. Every time these jokers get knocked out by a flailing unicorn or decide the best plan against a magic-sucking centaur is to fly towards his mouth, I'm the one who makes them look good anyway."
"And every week," said Spitfire, "Ms. Stunt tells us what the tabloids claim we've done, the better to prepare us for the inevitable questions."
"When Wind Rider tried to cast himself as the victim, I'd already sent out a press release detailing his dishonorable discharge hours earlier. A few rags still tried to run the story, but the truth was firmly on record."
"He wouldn't..." Dash's face fell. "He would, wouldn't he?"
Several Wonderbolts nodded. "Would and did," Soarin' sighed. Dash slumped further.
"Well, this should cheer you up. The tabloids didn't have anything to go on this week, so they really outdid themselves in making up horse apples. Let's see, now." Publicity took the clipboard in hoof. "The Sun says Surprise is the Bearer of Laughter's sister, banished from the family rock farm for the crime of being born with wings."
Several Wonderbolts snorted, including Surprise. "Wow," she said, "They're really reaching there. A 'rock farm'? Usually even the tabloids save that kind of thing for April Foal's Day."
"No," said Dash, "they really do have a rock farm. I've been there."
Everypony turned to her. "They do?" said Surprise.
Fleetfoot shook her head. "How does that even work?"
Dash shrugged her wings. "Heck if I know. Pinkie's whole family is weird. Most of them are just rock-focused in their weirdness."
Surprise beamed. "I really do need to find time to swing by Ponyville."
"I'm telling you," said Dash, matching her expression, "if you and Pinkie touch, I'm pretty sure something will explode."
Publicity Stunt cleared her throat with the force of a distant thunderclap. "Getting back on topic, according to the Stalliongrad Pronkda, Misty Fly is secretly a stallion."
"Oh yeah," said the thinnest, most streamlined mare in the room, "I'm just really good at hiding it."
Soarin' rubbed his chin. "It would help explain how you can belch entire Hearth's Warming carols."
Misty gave a smug grin. "Lung capacity, my good stallion. Lung capacity."
"Besides, the Pronkda's one to talk," said Spitfire. "We've had 'mares' from Stalliongrad in the Academy who didn't even bother to shave their beards."
Dash tilted her head. "But... gender doesn't doesn't matter in the 'Bolts."
"You know that. I know that. Apparently Stalliongraders don't. What's next, Pub?"
"The Turnip's reporting that all pegasi are actually earth ponies on strings."
"Isn't the Turnip a gag paper?" said Dash.
"Yeah, but that doesn't stop some ponies from taking it seriously." Publicity rolled her eyes. "One genius even asked Princess Luna what it was like being lost in her sister's couch cushions for a millennium."
Dash winced. "Yikes."
Publicity nodded. "Moving on, the Spur says Silver Lining is using witchweed."
The stormcloud-coated stallion rolled his eyes. "Because boosting my wingpower a little is so worth molting every feather on my body in a few months."
"And we don't test for that kind of thing at all," said Spitfire.
"Right?" Publicity turned back to the list. "The Royal Enquirer claims that Blaze is a clone of Spitfire."
Blaze barked out a laugh and shook her head. "Okay, Pub, I'm curious. Putting aside how ridiculous that is, how are they explaining the whole 'different cutie marks' thing?"
Publicity cleared her throat and tilted up her muzzle. "According to the esteemed arcane scholars at the Enquirer, a young, unmarked Spitfire was dragged into the Everfree Forest by some cult and forced into a magic lake. Apparently they wanted to make some kind of personal air force."
"They just keep getting more and more ridiculous."
"The magic lake's real though," said Dash.
Everypony turned to her again. "Seriously?" said Blaze.
"Seriously. Had to round up, like, fifty Pinkie Pies and make them watch paint dry."
"You gotta be kidding me."
"Nice thing about life in Ponyville, it's rarely dull."
Fleetfoot smirked. "No kidding. Anything else, Pub?"
"Just the one." Publicity nodded at Spitfire. "Cap, you're going to love this one. Midnight Star, 'The Steamy Latest on Soarin' and Spitfire."
The entire room burst into laughter, save for Rainbow Dash. Misty Fly nudged her. "C'mon, rookie, don't tell me you actually thought they were a couple."
"No! Of course not!" If anypony asked, the heat in Dash's cheeks was a delayed reaction to the day's practice.
"It's okay, Dash," said Soarin'. "We get that a lot."
"Comes with being the most prominent, highest ranking mare and stallion in the outfit," said Spitfire. "Stand together in enough photos and ponies start to read more into it."
"So, uh, why wouldn't it work?" The wing fidgeting was just a cooldown exercise for preventing cramps. Same for Dash's eyes darting from side to side. Eye cramps were the worst. "You know, just out of curiosity."
Spitfire nodded, one corner of her mouth tugging up. "Of course. Well, besides the fraternization bylaws—"
Soarin’ straightened up, head high, wings out, eyes closed. “Wonderbolts Hoofbook, Section 3, Subsection B, Paragraph 4, Sentence 2.” He relaxed and smirked. “‘Don’t.’”
Spitfire snickered. “Not exactly verbatim, but that’s the gist. Besides that, Soarin’s not exactly my type. Guy’s got zero ambition." She gave him a nod. "No offense.”
“Uh, some taken. I mean, I am second-in-command of the top stunt flying team in Equestria.”
“Yeah, by seniority. You coast on talent so much, you might as well be part albatross. Just because you can get away with eating whole pies doesn’t mean you should.”
Soarin' sighed, rolling his eyes. “Come on, Cap, don’t start this again.”
“All I’m saying is that you could learn something from Rainbow Dash. If anypony else could manage a Rainboom—“
“Okay, I get it!” Soarin' groaned, moving to his locker.
“All I'm asking for is a little actual effort. Is that so much?”
Soarin' came to a halt before turning back to face Spitfire. “Oh, I’m sorry, Captain. Why don’t you bend over so I can see how thick the stick up my rear should be?”
Dash gulped. She looked around. Several other Wonderbolts were filtering out of the room as quietly as they could. Publicity Stunt was nowhere to be seen. “Uh, guys?”
“You really talking that way to your commanding officer, Clipper?” Spitfire had the same low tone that usually meant trouble for something when coming out of one of Dash's friends.
“My CO? No. The mare who left me keeping a hospital bed warm because she was dumb enough to try to get the Bearer of feathering Loyalty to change teams during the Equestria Games qualifiers?" Soarin' stepped closer, making a point of looking down at Spitfire. "Maybe.”
She took flight, giving herself the high ground. “I didn’t see you coming up with any bright ideas after that dragon canned us!”
He matched her altitude. “Neither were you!”
Fleetfoot chuckled at Rainbow’s side. “Nice work, Crash. Now they’re gonna kill each other.”
Both glared at her. “Shut up, Flatfoot!”
She stiffened and saluted. “Shutting up, Ma’am, Sir.”
The locker room went silent. The stragglers trickled out, nopony making eye contact with Spitifre or Soarin’. After a few minutes, only they and Rainbow Dash were left.
Dash coughed into a fetlock. “Uh, sorry.”
“It’s okay, Rainbow.” Soarin’ sighed. “I think we needed that.”
Spitfire nodded. “Didn’t know you were still sore over the Games qualifiers.”
“Little bit, yeah.” Soarin’ offered his hoof. “We’re cool now?”
“Well, I do still think you could apply yourself more.”
“And I still think you need to stop smuggling Califoalnia redwoods under your tail.”
Spitfire smirked “Well, that’s normal for us. I’d say we’re cool.” She bumped Soarin’s hoof, then turned to Dash. “I trust that answers your question.”
Rainbow gulped and nodded. “Yes, Ma’am.”
“Good. Now head to my office. Happy as I am to have you on the team, it's long past time we hash out how we're going to handle what you've told me about Princess Twilight’s coffee table.”
Dash saluted, standing a little easier. “Yes, Ma’am.”
That night, Rainbow Dash lay on her bed, her eyes pointed at the ceiling but seeing nothing. Finally, she turned over, opened the drawer of her nightstand, and extracted a thick sheaf of paper. She stared at it for the better part of a minute.
Finally, she put back Daring Do and the Totally Awesome Threesome, shrugged, and said, "Eh. Still my headcanon."
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Ha! You stick with that headcanon, Dash! So, who exactly is in that threesome: Soarin, Spitfire, and Daring Do, or is a self-insert involved?
That looks like a cool contest. Extremely tempted, but I'm certain I can't come up with anything that fast.
Dammit Foamy stahp. Being the perv I am, you know this is the kind of stuff that attracts my attention
(insert moth and flame reference here)
Let's hope this time Estee gets the title of your story right in her blog post.
The Wonderbolts clearly don't have an idea just how weird life in Ponyville can be.
What's this about a coffee table? Is that a reference to something I'm not getting?
Good luck in the contest. I've been editing the next chapter of Clover obsessively and in mounting frustration all month, so it was only yesterday that I sat down and began to write my entry. Here's hoping I can finish it on time.
7511041
As far as they're concerned, it's just another small farming town like any other. The idea that it's where mind-blowing weirdness lives is one they've just started to learn.
7510864
Just Daring Do and the Wonderbolts. Spectrum Sprint doesn't get involved until the sequel.
7511002
We can only hope.
7511041
That's what happens when
there's a royally mandated gag orderthe media doesn't pay attention to their exploits for some strange, purely innocuous reason.7511072
Fingers crossed, especially given the pairing you picked.
"Twilight's coffee table" is my favorite way of jokingly referring to the Cutie Map.
7511125
Ah, right, right. And thanks, it is going to be... 'interesting'
I got the witchweed reference.
I applaud you for this brilliance
7511125 You and I have very similar theories about why the Elements of Harmony don't get any respect in a world that they've saved multiple times.
7511215
I respect the classics, especially when they provide a magical performance enhancer.
7512763
When Canterlot ponies don't recognize someone who was part of a public medal ceremony a few months earlier, something suspicious is going on. I considered mentioning the Harmonious Normalcy Initiative in the story, but every potential place to slip it in would've intruded on the plot and thrown off the story's flow.
Twilight's coffee table. Best nickname.
7513030
When you consider that Fluttershy's little brother knew, who is as lazy as lazy can be, and who Fluttershy doesn't even SPEAK TO, and whom their parents don't seem to speak to unless they HAVE TO, and HE'S the one who brings up the mane six have saved the world multiple times, it may be a cultural attitude rather than a conspiracy. (Note the ponies who go from terrified to prancing along their business in less than a second when the changelings get blown away).
Wonderful story.
You should make a blog post where people can submit the best Wonderbolt headlines.
7513601
Given how Zephyr's lived at home off and on several times, it's possible that he heard it secondhoof from Fluttershy's parents. (And besides, given how he has them pretty much at his beck and call until Fluttershy demands otherwise, I don't think their relationship is as antagonist as you make it out to be.) Even if Fluttershy herself didn't tell them of her exploits, Rainbow Dash certainly did. Indeed, any conspiracy would be hard-pressed to compete with Dash tooting her own horn.
Oh dear. Did I just accidentally argue against my own point?
Still, there are cultural attitudes, and then there's no one in town recognizing one of the mares who thwarted a god. Or refusing to let an alicorn cut in front of you as you're waiting for a cab. Or that same alicorn being lumped in as part of a group of "ne'er-do-wells" by someone who directly interviewed her. Really, even if there isn't a coverup, Manehattan is weird.
7513690
Ponies in canon seem to have an attitude of 'it's been a whole second since a monster was trying to eat us, let's go back to our happy lives and pretend it didn't happen.' I think they just have a mental block on acknowledging how often their perfect society has been endangered by evil overlords who see a land ripe for conquering.
7513698
Given how the Flower Trio seem to represent what happens when ponies take the alternate view, maybe that's a good thing...
7513677
Great idea! It has been done.
7511125
Rainbow Dash: Twilight, where's the Cutie Map?
Twilight (waves a hoof vaguely in the direction of a large book pile): Somewhere under there. I haven't gotten reshelved down to the bottom level yet because Spike has been off visiting my mother in Canterlot for the week. Something about cooking lessons.
RD: (looks at pile and whistles) Are there any books not in that pile? Anyway, Pinkie and my cutie marks have been flashing for most of a week, and Rarity and Fluttershy's started up yesterday, and now everybody's having a blink fit. Do you think we're missing anything?
Two miles away, in a secret basement meeting room:
Torch stood up, brushing some dust off of her yellow coat. "This meeting of the Campfire Society is now called to order. Flametrail? Membership report?"
Flametrail, whose yellow hoof had been tracing a slow circle around the room as she mumbled under her breath, finished counting and nodded. "Fifty-three present, well past quorum."
"Excellent. And our financials?"
"Alright." Flametrail's mouth quirked into a mild frown. "Could be better."
"We'd be fine if it weren't for Cloudsdale repealing that rent-control law," Burner interjected, crossing her yellow forelegs.
Torch sighed. "We'll convene a committee. Might be time to look into a lease-to-own deal on some cloud property. Blaze? Media report?"
Blaze and Spitfire simultaneously stood up, grim looks on their muzzles.
"Rainbow Dash is on to us," Blaze said.
Torch froze.
"She knows about the magic pool," Spitfire said. "And we can't advise the usual 'accidental' termination. Way too close to the Princesses."
A murmur swept through the room.
Torch winced. "Well, I hear the Neighchelles are particularly lovely this time of year ..."
Also, dat punchline.
7515563
Sequel time?
I like that clone air force idea, and am a bit curious about just what would happen if Surprise and Pinkie met.
7513999
"I'm sure it's not that important."
"How do you know?"
"When it's really important, the map gives me a mission to clear it o—" Twilight cut herself off as she looked at her own flashing cutie mark. "I really hope that only started just now."
7515563
Just wait until they find out about Tom. Assuming they haven't already extricated him from the Mirror Pool's entrance
7515809
Surprise staggered out of Sugarcube Corner, her coat and mane streaked with flour, frosting, and numerous other foreign substances. Gummy had somehow wedged himself into her tail. "Wow. I've been through hurricanes less intense than that."
Dash managed to pick her jaw up off of the ground. "I thought you were just going to bake together."
"We did."
"Then... how!?"
"I have no idea." Surprise gave a weary but genuine grin. "But I'm definitely going to try to figure it out next time!"
What? What does that have to do with anything?
7519274
Firstly, please use spoiler tags when quoting the last line of the story.
Secondly, who did you think the other two members of the threesome were?
7519303 I dunno, Quibble Pants? Daring Do?
I'm just confused since this has nothing to do with the story.
7519353
Consider the entire reason the story was written, as indicated in the description. Consider the argument, the question that argument answered, and Dash's beliefs prior to it.
Any help?
7519399 The story centered around all the tabloid articles that are written about the Wonderbolts.
Which has nothing to do with... oh... wait...
Wait a second...
Ooooooooooooohhhh... I get it...
Holy shit... that's Frickin hilarious.
Oh. Uhm.
*cough, cough*
*Ahem, ahem*
*throat clearing noises*
SPIT TAKE.
Well, I guess I did already mention my headcanon on one of your blogs, afterall!
Thanks for putting that in, I'm already seeing it spread throughout the comments.
And even if this story attempted plausible deniability, I'll just go with Dash's stance on such things. "Still my headcanon."
I reviewed this story as part of Read It Now Reviews #92.
My review can be found here.
Favorite parts of this were Dash's half-confirming the plausibility of some tabloid stories, and the bit with the redwood. That clever turn of phrase caught me completely off-guard.
Always good to see some interaction between soarin & spitfire. Dat punchline tho
At least half of those are fully true, aren't they?
7596900
The Wonderbolts Stunt Squadron™ can neither confirm nor deny that at this time.
If 'the Turnip' is based on the real life 'Onion', then I can see why quite a few ponies would believe it. For the Onion at least, some of their articles have a nasty habit of turning into real news. Or in hindsight predicting things with scary accuracy, like this one in the metaphorical sense.
O.O
Nicely done!
Fanon trumps reality of course.
7511041
I suspect it's physically impossible for anyone not from Ponyville to have a clue as to how weird things get there.
The mental image this paints is... surprisingly pleasant.
FoME, you are a legend. This is fantastic.
That was fun.
Mine too, Rainbow. Mine too…
Fantastic work
Hmm... If most rumors have some truth, was thinking, if there's Poison Joke involved, this one could too...
But Flutterguy wasn't a Rule 63. That was just vocal...
Only problem is that sex-changing spells are basically impossible, as Magic Duel showed?
These sorts of comedy fics are usually a mix of big hits and smaller ones. The best one for me was the 'bending over' bit. Stalliongrad's a little iffy for mentioning gender over sex, but I suppose the three-letter word is kind of taboo in normal-rated fics anyway, so no biggie.
Fun oneshot, provided a much-needed smile.
XD
That was a gem of a story
This is my kinda comedy! Also love how that slowly dissolved into a full-fledged quarrel where they almost killed each other . Loved the characterization too, it was spot on. And, oof, I saw another peep talking about this but ah...I still didn’t quite get it...sorry.
”
Finally, she put back Daring Do and the Totally Awesome Threesome, shrugged, and said, "Eh. Still my headcanon."
it wasn’t painfully obvious to me...um, did she write the steamy column, or was that a fanfiction? And... was she writing herself as Daring Do, or as one included in the “threesome?” Perhaps only a few of us misunderstood it, but the whole mention of “three” is what’s kinda throwing me off. If it’s suppose to be a Soarin x Spitfire headcanon, why is Dash there? I mean, I know it’s obviously her story, but it makes it a little harder to decipher what the heck its suppose to mean. In short: dOeS dASh SHip iT oR dOesN’T shE?
But don’t get me wrong, I adored this. It was thoroughly enjoyable and I’ll definitely be reading this over and over in the future!
10351536
To clarify, Dash wrote the fanfic, not the gossip column. And it is specifically Daring, Soarin', and Spitfire, because Twilight said... something. All Dash knows is that it was a three-hour lecture on the creative bankruptcy of self-fulfillment wish-inserts or something.