And How Well Did That Work For You Exactly?
“So, there you go, Trixie,” said Twilight. “A year in the Hyperbolic… I mean, Exaggerating Chronology Compartment. I’ve taught you everything I know. You are now ready to take on Princess Celestia.”
Trixie didn’t respond, on account of being unconscious and buried under seventy-eight history textbooks.
“Oh yeah. I should probably wake you up first, shouldn’t I?” Twilight chuckled slightly at her own airheadedness. She was just excited, is all. It’s not every day that you challenge Princess Celestia to a battle to the death.
“Okay, then… Wake up, Trixie.” Twilight charged up her horn, aiming carefully at the book pile and sending out a jet of purple light. Immediately, Trixie spiked up, sending books everywhere. The magician blinked sharply, shook herself awake, then stepped out of her book pile.
“My head… What happened?” Trixie clutched her head. “Trixie’s brain feels like soup.”
“That’ll be your safeguards,” said Twilight. Trixie tilted her head, utterly perplexed. “You erased your own memory so that Celestia can’t read your mind and detect your plans.”
“But if Trixie can’t remember anything, how will she be able to defeat Celestia?” asked Trixie. Twilight shrugged.
“Magic, according to you.”
A long, pregnant, stale silence reigned over the Exaggerating Chronology Chamber. Trixie looked down at the pile of books, then up to Twilight, then back down to the books.
“Trixie is an absolute genius!” Trixie trotted in a little circle, completely giddy with her own apparent brilliance. “So! A year it has been, and Trixie is now more powerful than anypony could ever imagine!”
“Don’t get too cocky, now,” said Twilight. “You may now be stronger than you’ve ever been, but you’re still going hoof to hoof with the goddess herself. You must be prepared for anything. Carelessness will result in defeat, and defeat will result in your banishment, or worse. Constant vigilance is a—”
“To Tartarus with that, Trixie is ready to take the throne!” Trixie turned and skipped out of the room, leaving Twilight behind. With a shrug, Twilight popped open the mini fridge, grabbed a soda, and sipped her cola as she followed Trixie.
“It’s hard to believe that a whole year has passed,” said Trixie. “It only feels like a few hours.”
“Well, of course. It is technically a time machine,” said Twilight. “It’s only been twenty-four hours out here, remember?”
“Yes, yes, of course.” Trixie turned her nose up superiorly, as if she already knew that. “Come along, Twilight Sparkle. Trixie wants to destroy Celestia as quickly as possible! She’ll never see us coming!”
“Oh, that reminds me,” said Twilight. She waved her horn through the air, charging up a knock-out spell before blasting Trixie in the chest. When she was unconscious, Twilight grabbed some parchment and a quill, which she used to quickly scribble a warning letter to Cadance that explained that they were on their way. After turning it over to Spike upstairs, who then sent it out, Twilight woke Trixie with another flourish of purple magic.
“What was all that?!” demanded Trixie. “Did you just attack me?!”
“I did. It was your final test,” explained Twilight. “Once you’re powerful enough to deflect a spell with your magical aura alone, you know you can take Celestia.”
“Trixie deflected the spell?”
“Of course! Don’t you see the scorch mark?” Twilight pointed to the wall, which was completely devoid of aforementioned scorch mark.
“Trixie sees nothing.”
“Shoot,” Twilight muttered under her breath. She was getting sloppy. Out loud, she said, “Hey, Trixie, you dropped your pocket!”
When Trixie looked down to inspect her apparently dropped pocket, Twilight let out a loud cough to cover the sound of her blasting her own wall with magic, leaving a dark scorch mark.
“Trixie is confused,” said Trixie, looking up once she concluded that she did not, in fact, drop her pocket. Her eyes fell onto the scorch mark, and a grin spread on her face. “Huzzah! Trixie really did deflect it! That’s proof enough, is it not? Come, Sparkle. To Canterlot!”
“The next train to Canterlot doesn’t leave for another twenty minutes,” said Twilight.
“Oh.” Trixie’s demeanor deflated slightly. “Er… Would you like to grab a quick lunch? My treat?”
Twilight was about to argue that Trixie had kidnapped her friends and was forcing her to murder her mentor. Then, she realized that doing so would probably void the free lunch offer.
“Sure,” said Twilight. “There’s a burger place not too far that I love, you should try it…”
“It’s nice to see you, Cadance, though I admit myself surprised,” said Celestia, stirring her three sugars into her tea. “You really do need to make yourself more present around Canterlot.”
“I agree. My schedule has been rather packed lately,” sad Cadance. “I’m glad to have Shiny around to pick up some of the weight.” She sipped a cup of tea of her own. “He’s holding down the fort while I’m away.”
“And he’s doing fine? As if watching over a whole kingdom isn’t hard enough on its own, you have a baby to look after. How is keeping track of Flurry with all of this going on?”
“The same way most stallions watch children: by sitting them in front in of television and keeping an ear out for explosions.”
Suddenly, a large flare of magic exploded from Cadance’s horn, manifesting itself into a rolled letter. Cadance unrolled the letter, read through it quickly, then sent it back from whence it came. Immediately, a wide grin spread across her face.
“Is everything alright, Cadance?” asked Celestia wearily.
“Everything is just splendid, Auntie,” said Cadance. “And now, for something completely different… Let me hit you with a hypothetical.”
“Sure. Go for it, my dear.”
“Let’s say, hypothetically, somepony attempted to assassinate you. What—”
“I would deliver upon to them a fury that burned with the heat and power of a thousand suns,” said Celestia blandly. “I would rend their souls from their bodies and leave them mere husks of their former selves. I would overload their every atom with magical energy, causing their every cell to supernova one by one. Then, if they were lucky, I’d have them executed.” Celestia tilted her head curiously. “Why do you ask?”
Cadance wasn’t sure if she should be amused or terrified, so she chose to be a bit of both.
“Oh, no reason. Just curious, you know.” Cadance could barely hold back her laughs as she began casting her partial invisibility spell. When it was complete, she would be able to make herself invisible to any ponies she chose while remaining seen by others, like her dear aunt.
“Hm? What was that?” asked Celestia. “Did you cast a spell?”
“No spell, Auntie. Are you sure you’re feeling okay?” asked Cadance, giggling to herself. “You must be seeing things.”
“Hm… Perhaps I have been overworking myself, just a tad,” sighed Celestia. “All the more reason for us to have more time like this together.”
Before Cadance could respond, the grand doors to the throne room flew open, distracting the princesses from their conversation. Silence reigned supreme in Canterlot’s throne room, unbroken for several tense, slightly uncomfortable moments.
“Are you serious?” a voice whispered on the outside of the throne room. “You’ve gotta be joking.”
“The Great Trixie does not joke! Just do as you’re told!” hissed another, more obnoxious voice.
“But… Ugh. Fine.”
A plume of purple smoke curled into the room, condensing onto itself and manifesting itself into a luxurious red carpet that rolled forward, stopping just before the thrones at which Cadance and Celestia sat. A unicorn mare in a long, flowing black cloak stepped forward, followed by the Princess of Friendship herself. The other mare, the one that Celestia assumed must have been the Great Trixie, had a mane of black and white, with a coat of light blue. Her eyes were blood red and faintly glowing, which would intimidate a lesser mare than Celestia.
“Twilight?” said Celestia curiously. “I was not expecting you today. Who might this be?”
“Your undoing,” said Trixie, overflowing with magical energy. Or, at least, she seemed to think she was overflowing with magical energy. In actuality, her lack of power was almost embarrassing. “Step forward, Princess Celestia. Prepare to face your end.”
“Er… I beg your pardon?” Celestia slowly rose from her seat. “I urge you to watch your tongue when speaking to your princess. Who are you?”
“I am Equestria’s reckoning, Celestia,” said Trixie boldly. Twilight shook her head, burying her face into her hoof.
“I’m so sorry, Princess Celestia,” sighed Twilight. “I don’t understand why she’s like this.”
“Trixie is like this because she is sick and tired of being misused and underappreciated!” barked the intruder. “Trixie demands the power she deserves, and the only way to get it… is to destroy you, Princess Celestia!”
“So… you’ve come to kill me?” asked Celestia. She turned to her niece, who merely shushed her with her hoof.
“That is correct, soon-to-be-former Princess of Equestria!” shouted Trixie, bristling with confidence. “So, have at it, Celestia of Canterlot! Take the first shot! I promise you, it shall be your last!”
Twilight hid her face even deeper in her hooves if at all possible, unable to watch her frenemy be turned to a puddle of goo by the Princess of the Sun.
“Um… Are you quite sure about that?” asked Celestia.
“Do not mock Trixie by doubting her certainty. It matters not who fires first,Trixie will be the victor!” Trixie charged her horn with magic. “So come, Princess! Battle me if you think you’ve got the mettle!” Celestia waved her horn gently through the air, faint golden sparks raining down. “Of course, if you surrender now, I’ll be sure to make your death qui—”
Trixie froze in place, her mouth gaping open.
“It’s been awhile since I used that time-freezing spell,” said Celestia. She turned to face her niece. “Alright, I think you two owe me some form of explanation. What exactly is going on?”
Trixie and Cadance shared a glance, then told their stories to Celestia. The Princess of the Sun kept up a raised eyebrow of confusion for the duration of the tale.
“So, just to be clear,” said Celestia. “You faked your death to avoid an assassin, then sent that assassin to your sister-in-law, with the goal of having Twilight then in turn direct the assassin towards me.”
“That is correct, Auntie,” said Cadance, lounging comfortably in her chair.
“And why did you not arrest her on the spot?”
“Trixie is completely harmless! Her magic is about as strong as a sick child’s.”
“And, frankly, that’s being generous,” said Twilight. “I’ve seen earth pony corpses with stronger unicorn magic than Trixie.”
“So you sent her to me in hopes that I… what, have her executed?” asked Celestia in confusion. “Cadance, I don’t make a habit of the whole ‘make every cell supernova’ thing. That was just a hypothetical.”
“Of course, of course,” said Cadance. “This was just to have a bit of fun, and for a bet.”
“Which reminds me…” said Twilight, grinning widely. “I win! Pay up, Cadance. Fifty bits and your rarest book.”
“I’ll get it to you at the first opportunity. You know I’m good for it,” said Cadance, bowing her head in defeat. “How did you get her to fight Celestia without faking your death, anyway?”
“I convinced her that Celestia’s sources of power were multiple universes of magical energy stored within her body and the only way to beat her was with my knowledge of her.”
“That’s absolutely preposterous,” scoffed Celestia. “If that were the case, I would vaporize any ponies I came in contact with. I’d boil the oceans every time I went to the beach! I’d melt the ice caps every time I visited the north and flood the country.”
“Look, we never said Trixie was especially bright,” said Twilight.
“Actually, we meant to imply the exact opposite.”
“I see. But her attempts at your lives, those were real?” asked Celestia. The other princesses nodded. “Okay then. So should I have her arrested?”
“Eh… Let her get some shots in,” said Twilight. “She’s trying really hard.”
“If she hits me, even with a weak spell, I have to send her to Tartarus,” said Celestia. “You do understand that, don’t you?”
“Auntie, I’ve actually seen this mare fight,” said Cadance. “She couldn’t hit the broadside of a mountain range.”
“Very well. Since you two find this so amusing, I shall play along,” said Celestia. “But, as soon as the fun has been had, she will be punished.”
Both Cadance and Celestia turned to face Twilight expectantly, as if waiting for the Princess of Friendship to say something. Twilight just stared uncomfortably at them for a moment before breaking the silence.
“What?” she asked.
“This feels like the part where you should be telling us to give Trixie a second chance,” said Cadance.
“Yes, I would have thought you’d be begging me not to banish your friend,” said Celestia.
“Hey, Trixie is not my friend. She’s just some mare I know that hates my guts,” explained Twilight. “She’s Starlight’s friend, and Starlight is my friend, but that does not make Trixie my friend. No transitive property here.”
“Still… Aren’t you supposed to be a peacenik?” asked Cadance.
“Right up until the point where I feel my friends and kingdom may be threatened. When I found out Trixie was coming for me, I was prepared to smack her with a star system. Tartarus is probably a safer alternative.”
“Well, alright then. Let us resume where we left off,” said Celestia. She waved her horn through the air, send sparks down and cancelling her time spell.
“—ck! Perhaps if you beg and give up your power easily, Trixie will show you mercy!” said Trixie, bubbling with a completely, wholly undeserved confidence.
“You wish to battle me, then so be it,” said Celestia. She rolled her neck, which popped in several places. “It has been a while since I had a proper magic duel.”
The scene was set. The most powerful force in Equestria standing against a mare who thought she was worthy of ascending to the throne. Power and energy crackled between them, the tension growing palpable. Twilight had never seen as much determination and confidence as Trixie had at that moment. It was as impressive as it was pitiful.
Celestia acted first, firing a weak beam of magic out to see how Trixie would react. To the surprise of everypony in the room, Trixie managed to dodge. Absolutely giddy with herself, Trixie followed up the surprising display with a decently-aimed counter attack. Celestia quickly brought up a shield of sunny yellow energy to protect herself from the jets of violet light that Trixie was pelting her with.
“Impressive,” said Celestia. “It seems I have underestimated you.”
“That will be your last mistake, Princess Celestia!” cackled Trixie. “Finally, you will all see Trixie for the powerhouse she’s always been!”
“Uh, Trixie?” Twilight stepped forward slightly. “You may want to take it easy.” Trixie ignored her, instead doubling her efforts to crack Celestia’s barrier.
“You will fall on this day, Princess! And from the ashes of your kingdom will rise a new, more powerful one erected in Trixie’s glorious image!” Celestia’s shield cracked from the sheer force of Trixie’s multiple spells. “Now, Celestia, you will fall to the Mighty, the Magnificent, the Great, the Powerful…” She charged up as much magic as she could muster into her horn and released it in a massive jet of energy. “TRRRRRIXIE!”
Celestia’s eyes grew wide as Trixie’s magic connected with her shield. Time seemed to stop as Celestia’s golden barrier cracked further and further. Just when everypony, Trixie included, thought that the shield had prevailed, it burst into sunny fragments. Celestia stumbled backwards in shock, then in pain as a shard of her own shield grazed her cheek. The room fell silent as Celestia reached her hoof up to her wound, feeling the faint trickle of blood drip.
“Holy hell, you hit her,” whispered Twilight. “Trixie, you really shouldn’t have—”
“I think that’s enough of this game,” said Celestia. She closed her eyes for a moment, charging magic into her core. When she opened her eyes, they shone white like heavenly beams from the gods themselves. Immediately, everypony in the room felt immensely inferior, almost infantile. Celestia exuded power, and it straight up terrified the would-be alicorn-killer.
“Have you anything to say before you face punishment for your actions?” asked Celestia, her very voice causing the fabric of reality to warp around her. Trixie shrunk down onto herself sheepishly.
“Er… Trixie supposes it’s a bit too late for an apology?” tried Trixie.
Celestia fired a beam from her horn, aimed at the floor beneath Trixie’s hooves. The ground cracked open and, out of the depths of the resulting void, several angry red hooves reached up, wrapping themselves around Trixie. The attempted assassin screamed in fear, kicking and fighting with all her might, but it was no use. With one last, powerful tug, the hooves dragged Trixie down completely, closing the void behind them.
Celestia let the magic fade from her body, then slowly and silently returned to her seat. Twilight and Cadance stared at her, mouths agape.
“What?” said Celestia. “I warned you what would happen if she hit me.”
“Princess Celestia…” said Twilight. “Did you just flip the game board?”
“I think she did,” said Cadance. “You really didn’t think she’d hit you, did you?”
Celestia grumbled to herself, gingerly rubbing her wounded cheek.
“That really hurt,” murmured Celestia. Twilight and Cadance peered at their mentor, barely holding back their giggles.
“You’re such a sore loser, Princess!” said Twilight.
Some time later…
“And then I ended up here,” said Trixie, leaning up against the cool blue stone walls. Her new roommate was being surprisingly pleasant about this whole thing. Though he was a fearsome beast that threatened all of Equestria, Lord Tirek was quite conversational.
“Interesting. I was not aware that mortal ponies could even be sent to Tartarus,” said Tirek. “You must have truly angered those princesses.”
“Well, I did attempt to kill them,” said Trixie with a shrug. “And Trixie almost got away with it, too. When her sentence is over, Trixie will enact her revenge!”
“You are aware that there are ways to acquire alicorn magic without killing one, right?” asked Tirek. “Even I knew better than to try and kill one of them. They’re simply too powerful to overpower in that way. You’d better off finding another path to power.”
“But alicorn murder is so satisfying! It’s not about the power, it’s about how one gets that power!”
“So you want to kill an alicorn?” asked Tirek. Trixie nodded. “Didn’t you just attempt to do that very thing?” Again, Trixie nodded. “Ah. And how well did that work for you exactly?”
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A very funny ending to a very funny story!
Will Trixie ever get out of jail?
7632320 Probably. Celestia can only stay butt mad for so long.
Also, conglaturations for the 100th comment!
7632320 Eventually I suspect, but not for a while if Twilight has anything to say about it.
I have to say, that was an enjoyable read. Keep up the good work
7632341 An epilogue set after she does get out might be entertaining to read.
i would have found out more interesting if she actually found a way to do it
also, i kinda feel sorry for her.
Princess Luna feels sad because Trixi did not atempt to assassinate her.
That sounds kind of cute.
Let me gues: She will name it Trixieland.
Good story.
When/If Trixie get's out, will she try again to get her revenge?
Or will she try a different approach and become Twilight's apprentice? You hinted this in the last chapter:
And now the most important question: What book did Twilight won?
Maybe Arcano Mysterio- The Complete Journal of Magic and Sorcery, the book where it all started?
(We all know Cadance isn't such a bookworm, so her collection is probably limited.)
8019707
If you're busy, you could always watch Inferno Cop instead. It's made by the same people and is just as crazy, except the whole series is on YouTube and you can marathon it in an hour. Here's the first episode:
I had this sitting on my Read Later list for a while. Now, I can fave it and put it in the vault. It was fun.
8429384
Thanks for enjoying it, and for giving me an excuse to look at this story again. I had fun writing this, might revisit it in the future.
Poor Trixie, but at least Starlight will swing by in a few days and break her out.