• Published 23rd Apr 2016
  • 2,223 Views, 118 Comments

So You Wanna Kill An Alicorn? - chillbook1



Trixie wants to kill an alicorn for ultimate power! It goes about as well as you'd expect

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Prepare To Grovel At My Hooves

“Twilight! I’ve got a letter for you!” called Spike. Twilight lowered her book to her round crystal table. She turned to see Spike waddle into the room, clutching a rolled sheet of parchment. Spike stopped before the princess and broke the letter’s seal, unrolling it and holding it in front of himself.

“Fire away,” said Twilight. She thought she recognized the stationery, being something of a parchment connoisseur, so she was able to guess that the letter was from her sister-in-law and fellow princess.

“Dear Twilight,” read Spike. “I just had a bit of a run-in with your old friend Trixie. She actually tried to kill me, and she only left because I faked my death. She’s coming for you next—”

“Well, I’ve given Trixie enough second chances,” sighed Twilight, rising from her seat. “I’ll be back. I just need to condense the Andromeda Galaxy to a wieldable size.”

“But don’t worry. She’s literally no threat whatsoever!” Spike quickly amended. He waited for Twilight to sit back down before continuing. “I wager fifty bits that you cannot convince Trixie to challenge Celestia. The only rules are that you cannot tell Trixie that I’m alive and you can’t fake your death. Be original. I will take your silence as confirmation for our bet. Good luck, Twilight. Sincerely yours, Princess Cadance.”

Twilight was a bit confused, a bit more intrigued, and even more amused. The Friendship Princess didn’t often show her mischievous side, but she most assuredly had one. However, she thought she might’ve been forced to decline Cadance’s wager. Royal ethics and all that.

“Can I really justify pranking Trixie into declaring war against Celestia?” asked Twilight. Spike shrugged his shoulders, rolling the letter back up.

“Well, she did attempt to kill your sister-in-law,” Spike noted. “That’s an assassination attempt. She’s a threat to national security, but not really, so I don’t see why you can’t have a bit of fun.”

Twilight bit her tongue gently, a sure sign of her thinking growing more intense.

“Send Cadance a reply,” said Twilight. “Tell her that I see her fifty bits and raise her the rarest Starswirl the Bearded book in our libraries. Winner takes all.”


Twilight probably didn’t need to cast her tracking spell from a cloud at the top of the troposphere. In fact, it was almost definite that the spell would have worked just fine from the castle. Frankly, Twilight just wanted to get as far away from Starlight Glimmer as possible. Now blessed with the gift of hindsight, Twilight recognized that asking Starlight for some of Trixie’s hair may have crossed some sort of line. Still, who better to have some of the magician’s DNA than her best friend? It was purely for science; this, Twilight swore. Still, the look on Starlight’s face whilst handing over the fibers from Trixie’s mane gave Twilight all the reason she needed to leave the ground and fly as far away as equinely possible.

“Okay, Trixie. Where are you…?” Twilight gripped Trixie’s hair with her magic, sending pulse after pulse of energy through the pale blue locks. Her magic flowed across the land beneath her, feeling out for the originator of the sample. After pinging like a sonar a few times, the magic began to return, pointing Twilight in the direction of the Everfree Forest. Trixie’s purple silhouette stood out over the dense forestry, the light only visible to the spell’s caster. As soon as Twilight pinpointed where Trixie was, she tweaked the spell to collect Trixie’s sound and broadcast it back to her.

“But the letters won’t really be from Twilight Sparkle at all!” rang Trixie’s overconfident voice. “Then, when the buffoons are all in one place, Trixie will cast her mind-control spell, and they will be my personal slaves! Applecrack, Lameblow Crash, Stinkie Pie, Fluttercry, and… Hm… I suppose Rarity has no nickname...”

Twilight began to formulate a plan of attack. If Trixie was smart, she’d send the letters now, so that her targets would be in place by the time she arrived. As such, Twilight decided that she’d need to be there first. But where would Trixie tell them to go?

“Dear friends, please meet me in the southern end of the Everfree Forest at noon,” said Trixie as she wrote out her note. “It is urgent. Sincerely yours, Twilight Sparkle. There! A perfect imitation of Twilight Sparkle!”

It was not a perfect imitation of Twilight Sparkle at all.

“That is not a perfect imitation of me at all,” said Twilight. “But at least I know where she’ll be. Now, I just need to be there.”


Twilight sat in her tree, silently observing Trixie, who was hiding in the bushes beneath her. Trixie, ever inattentive, never noticed Twilight landing a few feet above her head. She seemed too consumed with her plan. For a few minutes, nothing happened. Then, from the bushes a bit away from Trixie, the party of five ponies trotted into the clearing. They stood awkwardly, everypony waiting for somepony else to speak. After five minutes of silence, Rainbow Dash took the initiative.

“Um… I really hate to be that mare, but I think I might bail,” said Rainbow, scratching the back of her head awkwardly. “Twilight’s five minutes late, so she’s probably dead or dying right now. Might as well get my nap in while I can.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. For the Spirit of Loyalty, Rainbow certainly had a habit of attempting to run from helping her friends if it interfered with her sleep. Some things truly never changed.

“Now hold on, Dash, give the girl a second. Y’all know how busy she is nowadays,” said Applejack, hypothetically coming to Twilight’s defence. “Between Starlight Glimmer and the random crap that happens to Ponyville, she sure as sugar’s got her hooves full.”

“And here comes Rarity to agree with AJ,” Twilight whispered to herself, knowing full and well that Rarity was a notorious flank-kisser, especially if it was at Rainbow’s expense. If Twilight didn’t know any better, she’d say that Rarity didn’t like Rainbow.

“I agree with Applejack, it would be rude of us to leave now,” said Rarity, right on cue. Her voice was sugary, but in a Sweet-n-Low sort of way: sweet on the surface, but disgustingly artificial if you tasted too much. “Although I do admit myself curious as to why she called all of us out here.”

“You probably should’ve wondered that before cantering over to the Everfree Forest,” said Twilight quietly.

“Maybe she’s finally taking my advice and throwing a forest party!” shouted Pinkie. ““Check the note again! Maybe she gave some sort of clue! FLUTTERSHY, READ THE NOTE!”

As Fluttershy read the note, Twilight looked down to Trixie. Her eyes were closed, and her horn was shimmering faintly as she struggled to make something happen. After a few moments of confusion, Twilight realized that Trixie was attempting to cast her mind control spell. This was, simply put, perplexing.

Mind-altering magic wasn’t actually all that hard to do. It wasn’t as basic as levitation, but it was certainly easier than teleportation. It was only marginally more difficult than the specific magic used for a unicorn’s special talent, requiring only short lessons and a little practice. In fact, there was a hobby shop right in Ponyville that taught mind control magic on weekends. Trixie really should have been able to do it by this point.

Twilight sighed, lit up her horn, and fired off five mind control spells aimed at her friends. As she fired the spell, she made laser-like “pew-pew” noises to attract Trixie’s attention (and because it was fun). Trixie looked up just in time to see the spells connect with her targets. Assuming that the girls before her were hit by her spell (despite not actually casting one), Trixie was gripped with even more confidence than usual.

“Huzzah! My old friends…” declared Trixie, stepping out of the bushes. Twilight sighed, then prepared the telepathy spell that she would need to communicate with her friends. By the time it was set up, Trixie had already set off on her way to Ponyville. Twilight quickly delivered instructions to her friends, urging them to sit tight and follow Trixie’s instructions for the time being. Then, Twilight fluttered into the air, and shot into the sky to gather some materials for her upcoming performance.


Trixie sat in the bushes, watching Twilight as she practiced her magic. She still couldn’t believe that the princess had actually managed to reduce an entire star system to the size of a coffee table, nor could she believe that Twilight actually hit that frost giant over the head with it. Truly, it was a sight to see.

“And my slaves should be coming along right about… Now,” Trixie whispered to herself. True to her prediction, the five mares under Trixie’s control trotted up to Twilight, each of them standing (or, in Rainbow’s case, flying) a bit more stiffly than usual. After a short conversation that Trixie couldn’t hear, Twilight nodded and trotted into the castle. Trixie rolled her neck, stepped out of the bushes, and headed for the massive crystal castle.

“Your end is near, Twilight Sparkle,” chuckled Trixie. “Prepare to grovel at my hooves.”

Author's Note:

Thanks for reading, amigos. I'm hoping that you enjoyed this chapter, and that you continue to do so for the rest of the story. Much like Twilight Sparkle, this story's end is growing ever-nearer.

I wanted to come at this chapter from a slightly different direction. I hope it's not too weird for y'all.

Tune in next time for the beginning of the end of the beginning.