• Published 23rd Apr 2016
  • 2,210 Views, 118 Comments

So You Wanna Kill An Alicorn? - chillbook1



Trixie wants to kill an alicorn for ultimate power! It goes about as well as you'd expect

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Your Move, Twilight Sparkle

“Disintegration Spell, Malnutrition Curse, Jelly-Legs Jinx…”

Trixie poured over her book, searching for some means to kill Twilight. It was yielding rather poor results. Even though she had left Ponyville and investigated the Crystal Empire’s Royal Library, she found nothing but friendly pranks and fruitless attack spells. Any of these would fail to give Trixie the desired results. Most of them, Twilight could deflect in her sleep. Those that remained were too complicated and labor-intensive for even Trixie to attempt.

“If only there was some other way for Trixie to gain power before challenging Twilight Sparkle…” Trixie took a sip of her peanut butter frappe, mulling over her options while enjoying the smooth, chilling deliciousness of her drink. “Perhaps Trixie is going about this all wrong. Instead of killing Twilight, perhaps Trixie should kill a weaker alicorn first…”

She closed her current spellbook and moved onto one about the Empire’s history. She didn’t care much about what the Empire was like in the days of yore, but she reasoned that there may have been some clue as to where she could find some powerful magic. In the meantime, Trixie sipped her delicious caffeinated beverage and flipped through a biography of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza.

“Hm… Perhaps Trixie should take a shot at Luna…” Trixie agitated the slush in her drink before taking one last gulp and setting it aside. “During the day, she should be weaker… Still, Luna is quite powerful, powerful enough to require the Elements of Harmony. So if not Twilight, if not Luna, then it must be Celestia! Except, wait. Is she not supposed to be stronger than Twilight? Hm, this is quite difficult.”

Trixie flipped her page, all but ignoring the list in the book ranking the Alicorn Princesses in order of strongest to weakest. Celestia was at number one, followed by Twilight and Luna. Cadance was actually number five, apparently less magically powerful than her own infant daughter.

“If only there was a weaker alicorn. Even their meager magic would be enough to let me claim Twilight’s life.” Trixie dropped the book she was reading and grabbed another. She flipped it open, the first page she laid eyes on being titled “The Weakest of the Princesses, Mi Amore Cadenza”.

“Perhaps there are no killable princesses right now,” said Trixie. The next page she saw contained the phrase “Princess Cadance is an Alicorn only in title”.

“Oh well. Maybe an artifact is what Trixie needs. The Alicorn Amulet did quite well against Twilight Sparkle.”

Trixie closed the book and stood up to return it to its shelf, accidentally knocking her empty coffee cup to the floor. She took a step directly onto the cup, rolling forward a bit before losing her balance and tripping onto her back. The book landed directly on her face, the pages pressed against her eyes. Trixie raised the book and read the large, angry bold letters it displayed.

IF YOU NEEDED TO MURDER AN ALICORN, CADANCE IS PROBABLY THE EASIEST!

A devious plan formed in Trixie’s head, a plan of pure evil and brilliance that it scared even her.

“Trixie is a genius!” she exclaimed. “Cadance is the weakest there is! Not that she would be a contest for Trixie’s overwhelming power in the first place. Soon, Twilight Sparkle, you will be washed away in a tidal wave known as Trixie!” Trixie paused for a second. “No, wait I can do better. Soon, Twilight Sparkle, you will be dethroned by the… no, that’s not it…”

In the midst of her attempts to find the perfect line, Trixie did not notice Cadance’s presence only a few feet behind her. The princess raised an eyebrow before walking out of the aisle, a few thoughts churning in her head.

“I should arrest her for treason and conspiracy…” she muttered. “But… This might actually be entertaining.” The princess smirked mischievously. “Oh, Shining! We have work to do!”


Trixie trotted up the tall tower’s staircase, a fire burning in her heart. She had overheard that the Princess of Love saying, quite loudly, that she would be at the very top of the Crystal Empire’s castle at midnight. Cadance also made sure to mention that she would be very upset if any would-be assassins were to interrupt her quiet time. This practically guaranteed that Trixie would be there.

As Trixie approached the top of the stairs, she began to second-guess herself for the first time. She was about to commit murder, the murder of one of the most important ponies in Equestria (although, to be fair, she was the least important of those ponies). There was truly no turning back after this.

“No time for second thoughts,” said Trixie. “You want ultimate power, don’t you? Then mare up and kill yourself a princess!”

As Trixie rounded up the top of the stairs, she approached a large crystal doorway with a thick, glowing white fog suspended within its archway. Trixie stood before the fog, charging her magic deep in her heart, her core, her very soul.

“One step away from unimaginable power,” said Trixie. She grinned evilly before touching the fog with her forehoof and traversing the white light.

Princess Cadance sat in her throne, reading a book quietly as her husband stood guard to her right. Trixie waited for her presence to be acknowledged, growing more and more annoyed as it took several moments for Cadance to even look up.

“Oh, hello,” said Cadance. “I didn’t see you there.”

“I take it you know who I am?” said Trixie. Cadance nodded, setting her book down to the side.

“Of course. Your reputation precedes you,”said Cadance brightly. She rose from her throne and took a step forward. “The Great and Powerful Trixie Lulamoon.”

“I shall introduce myself, I am—” Trixie stopped herself, tilting her head slightly. “Wait, you know Trixie?”

“Of course. One does not simply battle a unicorn like Twilight Sparkle to a standstill without getting recognition.” Cadance glanced over to Shining Armor, who was clutching his spear almost nervously. “Oh, forgive me. I never introduced my husband. This is Shining Armor, the head of the Crystal Guard. The greatest warrior the Empire has ever seen.”

“You flatter me,” said Shining Armor. “What brings you here, Trixie?”

“Trixie has come to claim the power of an alicorn,” declared Trixie, charging her horn with all the magic that she could muster. “And she shall claim it by killing you, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza!” Shining Armor tilted his head, dropping his spear to the ground.

“Wait, that’s not how that works,” said Shining. “You can’t just—”

“Worry not, my love! I shall protect you!” said Cadance. She twirled around, her horn glowing with a powerful cyan glow. She fired a blast just in front of Shining Armor, causing a massive wall of thick, semi-transparent pink crystal to rise. With her husband properly safe, she turned her attention back to her adversary.

“How bold of you, to announce your intentions before attacking,” said Cadance. She planted her hooves firmly to the ground, swirling magic around her horn. “I assure you, it is a mistake you will come to regret.”

“We shall soon see!” Trixie leapt forward, firing off a powerful stunning spell. It missed entirely, such a bad shot that she was actually kind of disappointed in herself. The spell hit the crystal wall, barely chipping its surface. Cadance's eyes grew wide, her jaw dropping

“That wall is made of the strongest crystal in the known multiverse!” gasped Cadance.

“No it's not!” said Shining. “This wall is—”

“The strongest crystal!” Cadance turned over her shoulder to glare at her husband. “In the known multiverse!”

“But it’s… Oh, whatever.”’

“Perhaps I underestimated you, Trixie,” said Cadance. She fired a blast of magic that just barely missed Trixie’s head, exploding somewhere behind her head. Trixie reacted quickly, launching three more stunning spells at the princess. Two of them followed the path of the first and missed completely, but the last one struck Cadance directly in the chest.

“Gah! I hath been wounded!” groaned Cadance, twirling dramatically on the spot. She paused as she faced Shining, giving him a sly wink, then collapsed into a heap on the floor.

“Huzzah! She has been stunned!” cheered Trixie, clapping her hooves. “Now, all Trixie has to do is deliver the killing blow, and her magic will be—”

There was a sound that made it seem like the entire room had spontaneously burst into flames, followed by a white light emanating from Cadance’s forlorn body. The Princess of Love rose limply into the air, suddenly and sporadically twitching like a marionette controlled by a novice puppeteer. The light shrunk down onto Cadance, focusing in her eyes and the spiral of her horn.

“An alicorn will not fall so easily,” she said, her voice echoing and shimmering with the intense power of her unfathomable alicorn magic. Or a megaphone spell, which was more likely. She floated back down to the ground, the crystal cracking under her awesome presence.

“Guess this boss has a second phase,” muttered Trixie. She very much so doubted that her stunning spells would do much to the princess at this point, but that didn’t stop her from pelting stunning spell after stunning spell. Most of them missed, because Trixie had quite terrible aim. Those that did connect burst into sparks upon contact with Cadance’s coat.

“You will fall on this day,” said Cadance. Deep crimson light surrounded her horn, swirling and condensing into a large orb that seemed to balance just on the tip. The princess took a deep breath, then fired a massive, sparking, lethal-looking beam of magic.

It moved in slow motion. The spell was really, really slow. Trixie could easily avoid it if she so chose. Considering that Cadance also seemed to be moving very slowly, this would be a perfect time for Trixie to finish her off. One good shot, and Cadance would be dead. All Trixie had to do was take the shot.

“What is the meaning of this?” asked Trixie, looking herself up and down. “Everything is moving slowly. Or… Or maybe Trixie is moving at lightning speed!”

Neither of those were accurate. The spell and Cadance were moving slowly, though that seemed to be intentional. Trixie was still moving at normal speed. Even Shining Armor, sitting behind his crystal wall, was moving normally.

“Oh! Trixie has uncovered some sort of time dilation magic buried deep within her!” said Trixie, stomping her hoof down triumphantly.

Trixie did not actually have any time dilation magic. To make matters worse, she was wasting a lot of time. At this rate, the spell would hit her in about fifteen seconds.

“Hm… Perhaps it only works while Trixie is in danger,” Trixie boldly and irrationally assumed. “So, as soon as she is safe, things will return to normal. Which means Trixie cannot move yet. She needs to find a way to defend from the spell.”

A basic shield spell would be plenty strong enough to stand up to the magic heading for Trixie’s face. Casting one would take very little time, and it was very easy to do. Most foals can cobble together a decent shield spell if they needed to.

“How to avoid this spell indeed,” Trixie mused, tapping her hoof. She wished she had a peanut butter smoothie on hand, it always helped her to think.

“You could try a shield spell,” suggested Shining Armor.

“Hm… What in Trixie’s repertoire—”

USE A SHIELD SPELL!” shouted Cadance. Trixie was in her own little world, so she didn’t process that it was Cadance who said it. In fact, she assumed it was a machination of her own mind.

“Ha! A shield spell!” Trixie channeled her magic to her horn, then fired it outward to create a barrier of magical energy.

Suddenly, the spell increased in speed, whizzing forward the last few feet like a bullet. It bounced off of Trixie’s shield (which just barely held its shape) and returned to the sender. Cadance took the spell to the chest, groaning and stumbling to the floor.

“Oh, I have been struck down in my own castle!” groaned Cadance, laying herself flat on the ground. “I have been bested by you, Trixie Lulamoon. With my death, my power becomes yours.” She tilted her head in Shining’s direction. “Forgive me, my love. I have… failed you. Ahhhhhhhhhh…

She fell limp, dead. White light fled her body, swirling around the room for a bit before burying itself in Trixie’s chest. Her eyes poured white like a lantern, dimming slowly as her body became accustomed to the new energy.

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” shouted Trixie. “Trixie now has the power to—”

Ahhhhhhhhhh…

“Yes, quite. Trixie now has the power to—”

Ahhhhhhh…” Cadance slumped more finally, properly dead this time. Trixie nudged the princess’ corpse with her hoof, just to be certain. Once she was positive that her opponent was dead, Trixie picked up right where she left off.

“Yes! Trixie now has the power to overthrow Princess Twilight and claim all of Equestria!” Trixie practically squealed with joy. “All will bow before the Great and Powerful Trixie as she sweeps the land like a… Broom? No, that’s not very exciting. Like a… Well, nevermind, Trixie will be the best!”

Shining Armor sat and watched Trixie skip out of the room, patting herself on the back as she did. He tapped the crystal wall, then looked down at his wife. She still didn’t move, which should’ve scared Shining. Except…

“If you were really dead, this wall would’ve fallen down,” said Shining, a curious smirk spread across his face. “What’s the deal?” Cadance quickly rose to her hooves, grinning widely as she removed the wall and freed her husband.

“Like my little performance?” asked Cadance. “Some may accuse me of overacting, but I think I brought a certain je ne sais quoi to the role.”

“What was that all about?” asked Shining. Cadance used her magic to manufacture a sheet of parchment and an inked quill, which she passed to Shining.

“In a second. For now, take this letter,” said Cadance. Shining shrugged, then prepared to transcribe what Cadance had to say. “Dear Twilight. I just had a bit of a run-in with your old friend Trixie. She actually tried to kill me, and she only left because I faked my death. She’s coming for you next, but don’t worry. She’s literally no threat whatsoever.”

“Why did you entertain her for so long?” asked Shining, scribbling down Cadance’s dictation. “You could’ve had me arrest her.”

“I have a little wager, Twilight.” Cadance moved forward, ignoring her husband. “I wager fifty bits that you cannot convince Trixie to challenge Celestia. The only rules are that you cannot tell Trixie that I’m alive and you can’t fake your death. Be original. I will take your silence as confirmation for our bet. Good luck, Twilight. Sincerely yours, Princess Cadance.”

“Sincerely yours, Princess Cadance,” muttered Shining, finishing the letter. “I get it now. Having a bit of fun, eh?” He smirked. “That’s devious, Caddy. I’m impressed. I’ll send the letter at the first chance I get.”

“Now, we just sit back and watch the fireworks,” said Cadance. “Your move, Twilight Sparkle.”

Author's Note:

Almost didn't post this chapter this week on account of the Trixie stories that will surely be flooding the site. But... I said buck it, I wanna post it now so I can work on the next chapter.

Tell me what you think about this chapter. I await your feedback.

Next time, Trixie will be stacking ammo, as it were.