• Member Since 30th Nov, 2013
  • offline last seen Dec 23rd, 2017

Smg065


WHAT'S THAT!? A NEW BIO!? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN!?!?

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After moving to Ponyville, you met a celebrity known for her speed and for being a members of the council of friendship. You and her get along fine, she's your boss at work since you do weather stuff, and as of a week ago you and her have become close friends. She's invited you to her house. Why? The better question is why care, you're going to be in THE Rainbow Dash's house. Man, what could possibly go wrong?

Well, only one thing. You may not have noticed, but she's making moves on you. You, not being the brightest of bulbs, don't really get it, but Rainbow is stubborn, and she isn't going to give up after one try. So after inviting you to her house, something's bound to go wrong.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 104 )

sounding more irradiated by the second.

I think you mean "irritated".

Not bad overall, but I think it would work better from a 3rd person perspective rather than a 2nd person.

Leave it to Rainbow to want a stallion that's denser than she is...

I like this.:twilightblush:
Funny stories where the guy isn't just looking to *bleep*, even though it's more because he's oblivious than because he's a nice guy. Not too heavy hooved, just right.

My thumbs-up doesn't work :raritydespair:. I think you got the oblivious character spot on with this :duck:. Overall, I'd give it maybe an 8-9/10, maybe only because I feel it needs a second chapter to complete the circle :twilightblush:

6945377
Woops. Well, thank you for finding that mistake.

6945842
I was originally going to make it a multi chapter story, but if I want to follow up I can write a sequel.

It was alright. The numerous punctuation errors that I spotted detracted from the overall experience of the story but it still managed to shine on through despite the flaws. Normally, I turn a blind eye to OC stories but the fact that this one allows you to picture yourself as the one experiencing a day with Rainbow Dash made this enjoyable and fun to go through.

I'll admit I was skeptical at first but the fic slowly won me over with engaging-enough content. In fact, I can easily picture something like this in a visual novel story/game like Danganronpa or Ace Attorney.

It was a nice read but I personally thought it could have been proofread more before posting as typos are always distracting to look at.

Apparently I'm naive! Why can't I realise that Rainbow like me?:rainbowlaugh:
Awesome story! I would love to see where this story is heading :pinkiehappy:

This Sunshine guy is really thick... poor Dashie.

As I was reading this, I mentally replaced Sunshine sprite with my OC Thunder Strike. Made it a bit more fun to read.

Great story!

This was cool. Needs an editor though.

A direct sequel would work really well with this, one which is literally the day after. We would see if Rainbow really does get him after one more day.

This needs a sequel! :rainbowlaugh:

This needs an editor, it's pretty rife with typoes.

As for the story itself, it was so bad that it came out good.

6945417 That's to say, who isn't a dense stallion in the first place?

Its good. But man Sunshine is denser than dense. There are other fics out there that have the stallion oblivious to the mares flirting but this guy is on a new level of blind.

6947824 I agree with that

"Oh, you're afraid of snakes, are you?"

This is a tag question, so the statement must be inverse to the mini question, in this case you must say (Oh, you're afraid of snakes, aren't you?/Oh, you aren't afraid of snakes, are you?)
Geen = Statement
Orange = Mini question
I hope i helped, i think i saw 2 more grammar errors like that, and i await for a sequel! This fic was awesome!

6948034 it's actually fine as it is. It's a different form of question than I think you're implying here, but it's perfectly fine grammatically. I think.

(I don't have any technical terms to use to back that up, but my sentence structure is pretty solid, last time I checked, so...)

The urge to play Super Mario Sunshine arises.

Replace pegisi with pegasi for plural and pegasus for singular, Daring Doo with Daring Do, and freind with friend and you're silver, since I was reading and not proofreading.

What a cute little story. :twilightsmile:

"Yeah, Freind.. hehe.."

*Friend

I'd say to be aware of the limits of first/second person. There were a few moments where it said Rainbow was trying to do something or think something, but that information wouldn't be available in the point of view. Ex: "You" don't know what Rainbow is thinking or trying to do for sure. That aside, I second what a lot of comments are saying; Sunny seemed a bit too dense at times.

Overall, it's a simple and fun story. :pinkiesmile:

P.S. It's not necessary, but I do enjoy when "you" is left gender neutral. Not everyone here is a boy~:ajsmug::derpytongue2:

2nd person makes me berate myself about how dense I'm being in these stories.

great story
needs a sequel :pinkiesmile:

Why weren't you, for example, picking up on her obvious advances?

At first I thought he was just dumb. But then once the story got going I remember the gender reversal thing where mares are the ones who chase stallions because they outnumber them ten to one...and suddenly the story became a lot funnier. :rainbowlaugh:

6948034

This is a tag question, so the statement must be inverse to the mini question, in this case you must say (Oh, you're afraid of snakes, aren't you?/Oh, you aren't afraid of snakes, are you?)

No, that's incorrect.

"Oh, you're afraid of snakes, aren't you?" = I already knew you're afraid of snakes, but i'd forgotten. Now that I've seen evidence of it first hand, I'm remembering and asking rhetorically.

"Oh, you aren't afraid of snakes, are you?" = I expected that you were not afraid of snakes, but new evidence leads me to suspect that you are contrary to that expectation, and I'm asking for confirmation.

"Oh, you're afraid of snakes, are you?" = I'm realizing that you're afraid of snakes, (and contextually) eagerly looking forward to all the ways i can make use of this new information.

@Smg065: You shouldn't have made the change suggested by John the Brony. You had it correct in the first place.

I´m going to read this, I´m just always sad that is is only a one-shot.

6949114 Oh, ok. Thanks. :pinkiesmile:

6949114 Wow, that's right, i appreciate that you corrected me, everyday you learn something new:twilightsheepish:, i just thaught it was an error or something

"No, it's a sun, remember?" flatly.

oooohhhhhhhhhhh god:rainbowlaugh:
This was actually really not bad, I think I even like the personality you gave us (the main char), one of the first times that kind of personality in that kind of situation actually seems pretty fine to me.

I still hope for more, it is really again a capter that makes an nice prologue in my eyes, or prequel.

To quote Jacksepticeye. "Well then!"

I'll admit I can be dense but...this guy is even denser than me. Still, it was good and funny.

Am I this dense? If I were, how would I know?

Ohhhh, Rainbow Dash is hitting on the protagonist.

I read it as Rainbow Dash is hitting you. That would have been a completely different type of story.

... I feel like the cliffhanger ending shouldn't also be part of a 'complete' tag...

Me the entire time reading this:
i.ytimg.com/vi/FxbnHzeXlws/sddefault.jpg

But still, I mean MOAR!

Sweet celestia in a cake dish this dude is clueless.

I didn't realize that I was a male in this story until the middle of it.

:rainbowhuh:

... what? Don't look at me like that.

Listened to this while reading, seemed to fit pretty well to me.

Sweet Luna on the Moon, this dude is dense as fuck! And it was so funny... I can be pretty dense, but holy crap...
All hail Sunshine Sprite... The Alicorn of Dense...

We are all doomed.

Awesome job on this man XD

6948530 So I'm not the only one who thought that XD Super Mario Sunshine 8'D

Not bad enough to down-vote, but, for me, not mind blowing good enough to up-vote. Decent. Has the one or another typo, but who doesn't have a typo in his or her story? Maybe it's just me not being a fan of the dense love interest trope. It's fine and funny if there are multiple females competing over the guy (See: Tenchi Muyo) but if it's just one girl, I somehow always want to crush my head into a brick wall. Keep going, maybe there will be a sequel with some competition. :trollestia:

That pouty rainbow dash is so cute :rainbowkiss:

DO A STORY ON THIS MING

The final two paragraphs threw me hard. Shifting perspectives mid-chapter is generally a no-no. Shifting perspectives in a second-person fic, yet still referring to Sunshine as "you" despite the narrator now following Rainbow Dash instead, which means that RD is aware that "you" are Sunshine, and... :derpyderp1: Well, it threw me for a loop. Considering the only point of those two paragraphs was to wrap up the story, you really don't want to be jarring the reader out of the experience right at the finish line.

I approve of Sunshine's behavior. It is very manly to assume that no one would ever be interested in you.

I get the feeling that Sunshine's skull could stop neutrinos. :derpytongue2:

6953480 Go for it!

Nice story, but you should write "a lot" instead of "allot".

Dashie your the best pony ever. If I was a pony id go out w you and you would have to drop massive hints cause I already think your an amazing pony. Please be my special somepony for hearts and hooves day

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