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Just thought I'd stop by to help you out with this.
I think you meant "long" time, there.
6929974
Thanks
6929978 No problem. Sorry for the double print there.
I was hoping that they would have alicorn kids when this happened, but this is still good. Great job on your first clop story!
There is one thing that bothers me logically (weird, I know): how could one of them become pregnant if they become male after they had sex with the other as a male? I mean yes, I get it's magic and cartoon horses and all that, but still. If the change makes them fully male, then that would mean there is no vagina or womb to store the semen. It would either be expelled from the body, or stored in the body until orgasm, essentially making the second pony accidentally impregnate themselves.
Aside from that, it's a pretty good story. Decently descriptive and a little bit of humor. There is also a bit of emotion to the story, which is good since they are supposed to be a loving married couple.
Land's sakes, Twahlaight, the whole castle's made out of crystal! How in tarnation...?!
Eh-hehe...
6930807
Hey now, even stone will burn if you get it hot enough...
Or with the "Magic" of Chemistry, like our good friend, Chlorine Trifluoride. In the Immortal words of John Clark... "It is, of course, extremely toxic, but that's the least of the problem. It is hypergolic with every known fuel, and so rapidly hypergolic that no ignition delay has ever been measured. It is also hypergolic with such things as cloth, wood, and test engineers, not to mention asbestos, sand, and water — with which it reacts explosively. It can be kept in some of the ordinary structural metals — steel, copper, aluminum, etc. — because of the formation of a thin film of insoluble metal fluoride which protects the bulk of the metal, just as the invisible coat of oxide on aluminum keeps it from burning up in the atmosphere. If, however, this coat is melted or scrubbed off, and has no chance to reform, the operator is confronted with the problem of coping with a metal-fluorine fire. For dealing with this situation, I have always recommended a good pair of running shoes."
I mean, shit, this is stuff the NAZIS were looking at, and decided this was too dangerous. And we all know what a fond regard for human life they had.
6933346 Ah yes, Sand Won't Save You THIS Time...
I don't like to start this way on a comment, but...well, I don't get everything I want when I'm reading.
I have problems reading this story. The short version is that immersion broke constantly, and that made it really hard to get aroused. Actually impossible, but I couldn't resist the pun.
The longer version is that there are a lot of little details that happen frequently enough to make immersion (at least for me) nearly impossible.
The story's 3rd perspective is following Applejack, for the most part, but there are words and phrases used that feel less like Applejack, and more like someone else is relaying AJ's thoughts through the story. I'd almost say that it sounds like Twilight is relaying the story...through Applejack's perspective. Almost. I'm still not letting go of that line, "with every artery in her hopeful heart," because it is both not something AJ would think and anatomically incorrect.
Then there are some things that AJ might say or think, but still made me cringe, or at least question them. I can get past "a well of milk and honey" without too much trouble, (It makes me think of a biblical reference, which is weird in a porn story, but w/e) but calling her vagina an orchid--and saying that it was what she liked to call it--just...it's weird, okay? Maybe it bothered no one else, and that's fine, but I'm not sure why she specifically would think of orchids. They're not exactly common plants in apple orchards. From what I know of them, they're higher-maintenance imported house plants.
"Don'tcha mean well, Twi?"
On to another phrase, "playing on the other side of the fence," I just thought it sounded kind of childish. While I myself am a man and cannot speak for others, somehow I don't think a married lesbian who has no problem swearing would mentally censor her homosexuality with a euphemism (much in the same way I wouldn't do so if I were in a relationship with another man).
Twilight doesn't escape from scrutiny either. "Could you please clean me good?"
This is just me going over the most glaring examples I find in the first scene. I had joked to myself about copying the story and making comment markers on every last nitpick, but the two things that stopped me were that (a) I know that at least part of my critique is pretty subjective, and doing that is akin to rudely saying "cater to my tastes," and (b) I spent my time off shift playing games. I'm horrible at managing my time, honestly. Anyway, back on subject.
I brushed past this point earlier with the fence comment, but the story has an inconsistent tone. Maybe that's linked to me not getting immersed at all, but there are also some parts that just shift too quickly. In one scene, we go from romantic affection to a literal hot shower scene that gets interrupted by important life choices, and then it ends with a mildly humorous line. One scene interrupting another isn't necessarily a bad transition, but doing it three times in a short amount of time is liable to cause some whiplash.
This inconsistency applies story-wide, not just to a scene or two. We have the inciting moment when Twilight mentions the spell, then the action arc (bow chicka bow wow), then...the climax of the story is that they both had twin kids each. I know that the whole point within the story was for them to have foals, but I'm not sure who would actually want the scene to go straight from the sex to the delivery. It's a one-shot clop fic, not a long-term romance story, so it doesn't have time for that transition to be meaningful in any way.
I absolutely fucking hate myself for saying this, but I've seen this story--same characters, same concept, a lot of very similar setting points--by another author. There's nothing wrong with two authors writing the same story, considering just how frequently that happens on this site, but the problem I have is that the older story by the other author was written better. I wouldn't normally mention this ever, but the difference is significant enough that, by the time I finished this, I went and looked up the old one just to make sure I didn't imagine it.
Seriously, I respect you as an author, and I like a lot of your stories. Also, this is your first clopfic, and I know that no one should have their hopes set high for the first time. Having said that, the main thing I feel when reading this is that it's trying to handle too much at once, like juggling 9 balls instead of 2 or 3 (don't take that literally though, I'm not sure where I even found that analogy).
Well, the hour is late. Very late. I shouldn't have stayed up this late, but I wanted to finish this sooner, rather than later. Looking forward to your future writing, and also hoping that I didn't sound like an arrogant asshole.
If I did, I'm sorry. I never intend to act like one, but people get that vibe from me, and I wouldn't blame you.
This was cute and adorable. I totally saw that they were both going to have kids, I just didn't think it would be twins each.
That was a shocker. 
Overall, I'm not going to either up- or downvote this story. Similarities to another fic aside, for me it consisted of four parts (setup, act 1, act 2, conclusion). The first two parts were good. Of course it could have been better (but hey, they always can and at some point you just need to hit Publish or it will never see the light of day) and I'm aware that it was a commission, so for a first foray into the Mature rating, everyone needs to start somewhere.
But it was the third and fourth part that really killed it for me. Again, this was probably part of it being commissioned, but it just exceeded the suspension of disbelief I'm willing to spend on a story. really? twin twins at exactly the same time?
On their own, there's nothing wrong with Act 1 nor Act 2. They don't feel rushed, something that I was wary of when I saw the total wordcount, so I think you definitely can write a Mature story that I'll like.