• Member Since 16th Dec, 2016
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Skaltrox Defiance Knight


"Through darkened skies and malevolent eyes, my journey never dies"-Skaltrox Orthuris: Knight of Defiance

E

Since the day they met Fluttershy couldn't stop thinking about Twilight sparkle, she was always shy (it was in her name) but around Twilight she was even more so, she tried hard to confess but fell short of speaking her mind. She didn't think Twilight would feel the same or even be into mares, but now she decided to say "enough is enough" she would tell the one she loved the truth.

One shot romance story

This is my first story I've done that is solely romance and peaceful, so don't expect anything amazing here. But nonetheless enjoy it.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 8 )

Little jewel over here, nice story, refreshing. Good job

Hello! TwiShy ship-captain DarqFox here. Welcome aboard. Let's get to business, shall we? I'm going to go as in-depth as I can for this.

You see it all began when they first met, she like she does with most ponies was very shy, but this shyness wasn't normal it was romantic shyness in which the afflicted becomes a blubbering mess around the one they truly love. That was how Fluttershy was, granted most of that was inside her and not expressed to Twilight herself. Fluttershy thought it was a crush at the most, but as time went on, her friendship grew with Twilight and inside her heart, she knew that Twilight was the one for her. When this became official, she tried many times to confess but came up short at the last second every time, whether it was her own fault or someone (not mentioning a certain rainbow haired pegasus) butting in. But no more! This time she would definitely tell the truth about how she felt.

This paragraph. The first thing that butted me out of the story (I'm writing this as I read the story) was that unexpected "you." You aren't writing a second-person story, so second-person pronouns (you) should only exist in dialogue. I, the reader, don't need to be addressed directly. The second thing about this paragraph that slapped me in the face was the sentence structure itself.

when they first met, she like she does with most ponies was very shy,

This chunk here could be its own sentence, but it doesn't flow nicely. It's too rushed, and it needs some commas to slow it down and keep it under control, and make sure that everything makes sense. It would make more sense if it looked like:

when they first met, she, like she was with most ponies, was very shy.

I put the commas where I did because that bit "like she was with most ponies" is a sort of side note, and if removed from the sentence, it would still make sense: "When they first met, she was very shy."

but this shyness wasn't normal it was romantic shyness in which the afflicted becomes a blubbering mess around the one they truly love.

A comma after "normal" would help ensure that the sentence doesn't rush. If you'd take a breath or pause there when reading this out loud, put a comma there.

That was how Fluttershy was, granted most of that was inside her and not expressed to Twilight herself.

This bit would be better off as two sentences (in my opinion, anyway):

That was how Fluttershy was. Granted, most of that was inside her and not expressed to Twilight herself.

This sentence is well structured, with commas in the right places and everything. Take a good look at it and give yourself a pat on the back for me:

Fluttershy thought it was a crush at the most, but as time went on, her friendship grew with Twilight and inside her heart, she knew that Twilight was the one for her.

When this became official, she tried many times to confess but came up short at the last second every time, whether it was her own fault or someone (not mentioning a certain rainbow haired pegasus) butting in.

This could be better broken up with a colon, and the bit in parentheses should be moved out of parentheses. Parentheses are highly uncommon in most works of fiction and seeing them is definitely a bit jarring. It would look something like this:

When this became official, she tried many times to confess but came up short at the last second every time: whether it was her own fault or someone, not mentioning a certain rainbow haired pegasus, butting in.

After maybe 2 hours

Rule One for using numbers in fiction: spell them out.


So, mechanically speaking, this story is very, very rough. As an editor I'd have to spend at least 45-60 minutes on this story to make it presentable according to my own standards. However, the plot of the story is good and follows a logical, believable path. The characters seemed to remain true to character.

Overall, not bad, but needs quite a bit of polishing to be a real gem. But by golly you wrote it and had the confidence to shove it onto the internet. Keep your head held high, and for the love of ponies keep writing and refining your craft. Thank you for putting this story up, and I hope to see more from you in the future.

(Also feel free to ask me about things I may or may not have mentioned in this comment and I'll be happy to expand upon it.)

<3 DarqFox

7931796 Look thank you for the critique but I frankly don't care about some of the things you listed (I didn't read it all)

Some of those edits you suggested are barely something I intend to fix. And I also find it a little irritating for someone to not like a story just because of some ways the story is written. For me I would only dislike a story if it either: had a bad plot I find really strange or the grammer was atrocious.

I stated on the front page that it was my first (remember that little word) time ever writing a story that was completely romance. I have written general stories as well before it and I can agree are not 100 percent in how they are written (grammer and punctuation wise)

Also why must you say I have the guts to post this story such a state? I can post it in any way I like as long as it follows to the terms and conditions.

But you must understand that I'm amateur when it comes to writing. I wasn't top of my class in English (I was your normal c or b student) so don't expect me to be able to write on a professional author's level like you okay? Because I can't. Many people on this site can't either and I don't expect them to. I'm afraid that many of us are not like you over 100 followers or 1000 followers. Not all of us are natural born friggin authors you know.

Sorry but I had to vent that. I found your message at the worst time (not in the best mood and your headache inducing comment was no remedy) so I had to take it out on you.

Comment posted by Raptormind deleted Sep 13th, 2017
Comment posted by Raptormind deleted Sep 13th, 2017
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