• Member Since 5th Jul, 2015
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Enderdragonslayer1


Ender-Born

Sequels1

T

Apart of the Spirit Trilogy

Spirits: Sunny's Displacement
Spirits: All you need is a Sunny Day
Coming Soon


My name is Heather, a 16 year old girl from Hot Springs, Arkansas. I may not have been the most popular, but I had a loving family and wonderful friends. That changed, however, when I got sent to Equestria. Only to make it worse, I don't remember a thing. Oh, that and I'm a pony...


Please note that this is only my second story, so please rate accordingly.

Chapters (9)
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Comments ( 36 )

Okay, I saw some improvements in the revised Chapter Two, along with the following chapters. That said, there were still some issues in storytelling and writing that need addressing. Again, spell out numbers when the words aren't very large (five, ten, twenty, etc.). Basically, if the number isn't hyphenated, you should spell it out (though I suggest always spelling it out for numbers one hundred or less). Next, when a speaker is using two or more people (including themselves) as the subject of a sentence, it should be written, "The others and I", not "Me and the others". As an example from this story from Chapter Four:

While the manticore was distracted, me and the others moved past it...

This should be written:

While the manticore was distracted, the others and I moved past it...

This is because I is a subject pronoun (the one doing something), while me is an object pronoun (what something is being done to).

I have other generalized issues, but they can wait until the conclusion.

Chapter 2

First off, let me start on a high note and congratulate you on better capturing the confusion and emotion Sunny felt upon first entering Equestria. I found it easier to connect with her this time around. Good job on that.

As for other issues, there weren't too many in this chapter. "Deja vu" shouldn't be capitalized. When I mentioned the differences between the two versions of "lay", I meant that the word you wanted to use was actually "lay", not "layed". Again, I know it's confusing; "lay" just doesn't seem like a past-tense verb, but it is when talking about living subjects.

Chapter 3

Other than the story issues that I'll get into later, there were a few grammatical problems that can probably be ironed out with another read-through or a quick editing. However, remember to capitalize proper nouns, such as names. "Everfree Forest" and "Elements of Harmony" should both be capitalized.

Chapter 4

Remember that whenever there is a new speaker, you must start a new paragraph. Specifically, I'm referring to this:

"Are you crazy?!" "No, I ain't. I promise you'll be safe." "That's not true!" "Now listen here. What I'm sayin' to you is the honest truth. Let go, and you'll be safe."

This is confusing and jumbled to read. It should be written

"Are you crazy?!"

"No, I ain't. I promise you'll be safe."

"That's not true!"

"Now listen here. What I'm sayin' to you is the honest truth. Let go, and you'll be safe."

You don't even need to mention who's speaking, since it's obvious that Twilight is the incredulous one, while Applejack is the one attempting to convince her.

Next, when referring to the gorge with the bridge with Rainbow's trial, you wrote "casem", when the proper spelling is "chasm".

Never use abbreviations unless it makes sense in dialogue. Rainbow Dash has never used the abbreviation "OMG" (also, make sure to fully capitalize acronyms) before, but she has said "Ohmygosh" rapidly before. Use the latter; it makes more sense.

I wondered why they were surprised in Chapter One when they saw her as an alicorn in the past, but you wisely went back and edited Chapter One to keep consistency. Good job on that.

Conclusion

Before I get into a somewhat unfortunate truth, let me say that this was far better than your previous iteration of this story. Storytelling was better, and I wasn't confused as to what the POV was, even in Chapter Four when the POV changed on us. I was able to use context clues to know that Twilight was speaking. It's good to know that you feel us smart enough to figure that out on our own. Good on you.

Now for the bad news. There's a trope called "Remember the New Guy". Basically, it means that we're introduced to a new character that apparently played a significant role in the main characters' lives, and we're supposed to go along with it, even though we've never seen this new character before. A canon example (at least to me) was Shining Armor's introduction. We're told that he was apparently Twilight's best friend and an important influence in her life, yet we're only introduced to him in the Season Two finale, which makes it much harder to swallow.

That's what's going on here. We have a character who not only was Celestia's agent, of sorts, but who knew pretty much all the answers to the main cast's problems, was the impromptu leader of the team, and was the one who knew where to go when the group was lost or confused (though she thankfully didn't solve all of the problems, at least that fear of manticores stuck, and thank heavens she wasn't a Seventh Element). Simply put, even with an Alternate Universe tag, that's a huge strain on a reader's suspension of disbelief, since this character was nowhere in the actual show, and her involvement somewhat weakens the character interactions and makes Twilight seem a bit incompetent, not to mention the fact that it doesn't make much sense to go through all this. Sunny is recounting her story to the main cast, correct? Why is she telling them what they already know?

I do hope you realize that I'm being nice when I talk about this stuff. There are people on this site who will see this, downvote, and move on without telling you why they disliked it. Simply put, "alicorn OC Remember the New Guy" characters aren't very well recieved here. One of those can be fixed with good writing and deep plot/character development. The "Remember the New Guy", though, likely can't be made up for with writing skills. You'd likely be better explaining her friendship with the characters during that first four years of her stay in Ponyville. Since she's telling a recap, she can give examples of important interactions with each of the girls. Later on, when Twilight (the final Element) arrives back in Ponyville after Nightmare Moon has been defeated, Sunny and Twilight could've had a heart-to-heart that helps Sunny form a connection with the final Element of Harmony, unlocking her memories through the magic necklace. This way, her interactions with the main cast seem more natural and more believable, and you keep the importance of the canon events, even though the confrontation with Nightmare Moon would happen "off-screen" (it's fine, since we already know what happens).

I really hope this helps. I don't want to come off like a jerk with that conclusion. I'm just giving an unfortunate truth that a lot of other users here won't share with you (though there are some that will). I hope you take these criticisms to heart and use them to become a better writer in both technique and storytelling. Good luck!

6549200
Once again, thank you for the review! Like I said, it's the reviews that go in depth into the problems, and ways it could be fixed. So once again, I thank you.
Oh, I also plan a rewriting of the story, to make it better and more believable.

6549865 You're very welcome. It's probably for the best. Don't feel bad about having to rewrite the story over and over. Even the best and most famous author's find things that they could've done better in their own works. Just keep on keeping on, and you'll be fine!

Overall, this was a good rewrite. Grammar errors were sparse: I noticed an odd space near the beginning, when she had a difficult time walking, and I noticed you capitalized the "vu" in "deja vu", even though it shouldn't have been capitalized. That was about it, though, that I caught. The italicized word "worrying" makes me stumble a bit; it seems somewhat unnatural, now that I've read it several times. Perhaps un-italicize that particular word, but it's not too big a problem.

I commend you on changing things up a bit in the beginning. Not only did you seamlessly combine the original first two chapters, but you made the story make far more sense; a private meeting between Sunny and Twilight is a much better atmosphere for the proverbial bombs Sunny is preparing to drop. I look forward to the revisions of your next chapters.

This was a good chapter. It flowed much better and read much more naturally. I even enjoyed the little asides Sunny gave about meeting Applejack; it felt natural, especially given that she's telling a story, so these little asides are perfectly fine. The chapter even gave us a nice and smooth segue into the next chapter and her friendship with Applejack.

There were a couple of issues, though. A lowering of altitude is a "descent", not a "decent". Also, the phrases telling us the passage of time were mostly unnecessary. I can live with the one telling us how close we are to Nightmare Moon; that's pretty important. The ones telling us "several hours later" and "the next day" are largely unneeded, especially here:

several hours later...

It was close to nightfall when I finally got everything...

The sentence right after the "several hours later" pretty much tells us that it was indeed "several hours later". As for the other, context clues can easily tell us that it was morning. I'd just cut the shorter time notices (or whatever they're called). A line break or similar break, though, would still be acceptible in order to let us know that some time has passed, so we don't get whiplash from the rapid change in time :raritywink:.

I think that's it. This was overall a well-written chapter, and I look forward to reading the next one.

Didn't I just read this chapter???

6564699 I rewriting the story, I just combined the first two chapters into one, sorry for the confusion.

Okay, before I jump into my critiques, I'd like to say that I'm truly sorry for staying silent for so long. Things were getting in the way, and I didn't much have time to write the in-depth review you deserve as a writer. Thankfully, you just now uploaded, so this seems like the perfect time to get back to business.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash

First off, we have Sunny mentioning a secret she let slip, I think (the writing was a tad jumbled there). The thing is, she mentioned that she slipped up the previous chapter, while she was buying from Applejack, but upon rereading the chapter, I saw no such secret, which makes this part come out of nowhere. This is, of course, assuming I didn't just miss the secret in a previous chapter. If I did miss it, please say so and tell me where it is, and we'll just forget about this particular paragraph of mine :twilightsheepish:.

Next, we have Rainbow Dash's introduction. Her accusation seemed out of nowhere and groundless. I understand that she did the same with Twilight, but remember that Rainbow didn't accuse Twilight of being a spy until Nightmare Moon actually showed up. Before that point, she was friendly with Twilight, and I see no reason why she wouldn't be friendly with Sunny, as well.

My next piece of advice is the coarse language as Pinkie fired her starting cannon. Now, I'm a grown man, and I can handle profanity in fiction. However, such language should really be avoided in an E-rated story.

Dream Sequence 1

While this scene was good in that it reminded the reader that there was a countdown of sorts, the suspense and fear were shattered as soon as Sunny realized she was dreaming. I can understand knowing about the dream after the fact, and even in subsequent dreams, but the suspense in this particular dream is harmed by her realization. There's also the fact that it seemed like a leap in logic; waking up to a creepy shadow in your room with creepy laughter is a very real possibility, so there should have at least been some level of fear before something too out of the ordinary happens and she finds out she's dreaming (Nightmare Moon's presence, for instance, would help her realize she's dreaming, since Nightmare Moon should be in the moon).

Before I move on, I need to ask: What is this an interlude to? It says "the night before" up top, but the night before what? Her meeting Rarity in the next chapter? Her arrival in Ponyville? I ask because the wording in the next chapter makes it seem like it's taking place right after her race with Rainbow, so she never would never have gone to sleep between chapters.

Meeting the Shy

Finally, we have this chapter. Overall, I have pretty much good things to say about this chapter. Sure, some of the dialogue seemed awkward, and there were some grammar errors, but it was nothing a dedicated editor couldn't find.

First off, I'm glad you keep revisiting her fear of manticores. It's important for characters to have flaws and fears, and reminding us of this fear in a safe environment where it won't hurt her goes a long way towards keeping us in suspence for when her fear of manticores really does lead to bad consequences. I also want to say that you placed this scene with the manticore in the most logical place outside of the Everfree Forest, since I can definitely see Fluttershy handling a manticore for any number of reasons. Good on you.

Lastly, I want to say that you did well with the emotion during Sunny's retelling of her story. You didn't spend too much time talking about the actual retelling, which is good, since we already knew what happened. No, you focused on the relationship and emotion between Fluttershy and Sunny, and you did well in that regard. This was a good chapter.

Conclusion

I think that about wraps things up. As for final comments, there were some grammar/spelling errors that I didn't mention, but they were small enough that a self-edit or another editor can easily find and take care of them.

I'm glad you're taking your time with these chapters. Doing so truly helps us see Sunny as an actual character and not as some overpowered Mary Sue (which, as I mentioned earlier, is a challenge for alicorn OCs). I'm looking forward to reading more. Good job.

6586897
No you didn't miss anything, I intentionally left it out so it could be left to the reader's imagination on what it is.
Anyway, you don't need to apologize for taking so long, as I understand what it is like for something to get in the way of something I'm doing (School, for example).

Once again, Thanks for the review!

6587910 You're very welcome! Glad I could help.

I love how NM is consistently getting owned! :rainbowlaugh:

Before I begin, I want to say that changing the story's rating from E to T was probably a good move; things were starting to reach T-level even before these chapters.

Generosity Ensured

There seemed to be a bit of a tense conflict at the start of this chapter (that is, some was in present tense, and some was in past tense). Make sure to keep the tense straight. You seemed to be using past tense throughout the story, so I'd stick with that (except in dialogue, of course, where tense can change easily).

I liked the potential for future conflict between Sunny and Rarity mentioned in this chapter. Conflict makes a story interesting, even if the conflicts are small. Knowing that Sunny and Rarity might disagree on future activities or plans gives the potential for a more interesting story.

I would've liked to have more detail on the fight with the manticore. After all, Sunny was finally putting her fear aside to help her fallen friend. This was a pretty big deal, and the internal struggle between her righteous fury and her tremendous fear would've made for a great read as she was going toe-to-toe with the object of her greatest fear.

Captured

I'll be honest: The information about her enchanted pendant calling for help really should've been mentioned in an earlier chapter, especially when Celestia gave her the pendant in the first place. As it stands, it seems like a pull from thin air and hurts my willing suspension of disbelief. Even if she knew the pendant's enchantment when she first received it, there's no problem with Sunny still not wanting to call for Celestia. It'd be no stretch of the imagination to think that this would be the first time she called for help since she got the pendant four years back, especially with her horn broken (which her friends really should've told her about, unless it happened over the course of her dream).

I also don't think Celestia would be angry with Sunny for calling her using the pendant, even if it were late at night. After all, Sunny was tapping into Celestia's enchantment, the enchantment that allows Sunny to call for help. Celestia would surely realize that something was wrong, since Sunny has never used that enchantment before then. Not only that, but Celestia is overall a very patient pony who must be used to dealing with things coming up late at night, so I'm sure she wouldn't get angry over this.

Lastly, I really hope that this whole escapade goes somewhere. I'll be honest and say that the ending was somewhat disappointing. Sunny breaks out due to guard incompetence, learns a new spell just at the nick of time, leaves with no problem at all, and goes home after agreeing not to bring this up again. Everything just sort of happened with no suspense. They even didn't seem to question why there were Changelings underneath Canterlot, which is a pretty big deal. All I can say is that I hope this chapter actually means something in the future. After all, you could've chosen many different ways to add Rarity's piece to Sunny's pendant, and you chose this scenario. By now, I trust you enough as a writer to know that you tend to revisit important events, and I'm sure this is no exception. Even if this is a hook for a future adventure after Nightmare Moon's defeat and Sunny's story to Twilight, even if this is a hook for "A Canterlot Wedding", I'd like to see this revisited. It can lead to a very interesting read.

Conclusion

This review might be shorter than I usually write (then again, it might not be), but that just means there's less I felt I needed to comment on. There were some spelling and grammar errors, but a good editor can easily knock those out without me having to pick the story apart for them.

I'm certainly interested in seeing where this is going, especially now that Sunny's pendant (if I recall correctly) has all five of Twilight's friends' pieces in it. I look forward to reading more of the story. If you update and notice that I haven't given your work a review, don't hesitate to notify me of your update. It's very possible that my notifications failed to notify me of your new chapter, and I'd hate to miss giving you valuable criticism due to something neither of us can control. Good luck!

6600259 Just to let you know, I updated this chapter (Captured) and Generosity Ensured, adding more detail to the manticore scene.

6601215 Wonderful. I'll take a look and give a mini-review of sorts (really more of a paragraph) about the changes.

Cracked horn and 2 days after having her legs broken fells a little fast to heal (healing spell?), hove did she preform the spell with it damaged ?
Like Iceceammac said you probably should have to ous about the neckles earlier, the way you told ous about the it made me think it was some way for Celestia to spy on her or a detection device for the elements.

So Sunny did have a roll to play.

This is one more thing you probably should have told the readers from the start when she moved from the castle, since she already know about what was about to happen. I always thought it was strange that no apperent reason was given for the move and the nightmares (why she dident freak).
And why did Rainbow freak youst becuse she told them about Celestia it is not like she lied about her family.

6610945
To respond to your comment about it being too fast for her to heal, this is a world of magic, so logic stands that they could have a spell that can speed up the process of healing bones.

Thanks that keept bugging me, some storylines dont allow that kind of healing magic, saying its to costly in mana and what not. And since we havent been told hove your universe works it was a small glitch for me (reading way to much.)

Hello once more, friend! I apologize again for taking so long getting to this. Studies were starting to eat up some time. I appreciate you letting me know that this was posted.

General Comments

Before I begin, I'd like to make note of an error you consistently make. When you have an ellipsis (the ...), don't put a space between it and the word after it. It works like dashes, that way: simply word...word.

Other than that, there were some smaller errors, but nothing that detracted from the story.

NightMare Moon

I still don't think that Rainbow would so quickly distrust Sunny. Even if she did see Sunny sneaking out of the celebration, I'd figure that she'd first ask for an explanation before jumping to conclusions. She may be brash, but she usually gives her friends some time to keep their course (even if it is with a dose of complaining) before she finally loses her temper.

I'd think that although Sunny wouldn't be too fazed by the self-sustaining nature of the Everfree Forest, she'd still be afraid of it for other reasons. Namely, the predators within.

As we were walking, Rarity started to complain about the forest, which, undoubtedly, caused the light to dim around us. "I didn't mean it literally," she commented.

She didn't mean what literally? I haven't seen this episode in some time, and I understand the reenactment (more on that later), but this really could've used whatever Rarity said to lead to the forest darkening and her comment.

I usually don't mind sudden POV changes, and I'm glad you let us figure out for ourselves who was speaking rather than just telling us. However, this change seemed out of place. After all, this extended flashback is a story Sunny is telling Twilight, correct? Why did we suddenly change to Twilight's POV? Like I said in a previous comment, we (or most of us, anyway) already know what happened in the battle, so Twilight's part could easily have been skipped, the next scene having Sunny wake up in the hospital, followed by a quick recap from either Twilight, Celestia, or both.

I could rest peacefully knowing that Twilight was ok.

"Oh no... you're not dying on us!" Pinkie said in a serious tone.

The pun here is funny, but falls somewhat flat. I suggest changing "rest peacefully" to "rest in peace", giving that that's what everyone says to a deceased person and what's written on almost every grave.

Conclusion

I know I brought of reenactments of an episode in an earlier comment, but I'd like to say that I'm more accepting of this one. After all, you've spent many chapters showing Sunny's relationship with her friends and gearing up for the conflict with Nightmare Moon. After all that buildup, I have to say that I'm glad you didn't take my advice to just skip over this part, because doing so would've felt incomplete after everything you've written in the previous chapters. So good on you for proving me wrong on this point :twilightsmile:.

It appears we're close to the end of the flashback. It's been a wild ride, and I'm glad you took the time to go over these events, giving each the detail it deserves. I'm not sure where this'll be going after Sunny's story to Twilight, or even if this story in general will continue afterward, but I'm excited to see what you decide, whatever you decide. Good luck!

It's a really good story! Even when the chapters update jump everywhere...

For once, I'll be leaving a small review. Of course, that's only because I have very few issues with this chapter. There were still some errors here and there, but again, it's nothing a good editor couldn't deal with.

Captured Edit

I noticed that you added some to the chapter "Captured". I just want to briefly mention that I liked what you did with the chapter. The revelation to the girls was short, but well done. Everyone seemed in character in the additions. Good on you.

Memory Lane

I have two issues with this chapter. First, the cut telling us that several weeks have passed doesn't mesh well with the first sentence after the cut. I understood what happened, but it was jarring. I suggest removing the "several weeks later" and adding something that tells us the information we need. For instance:

After my several-week-long recovery, I decided to do some research about what I saw. It took days, but I've gone through nearly every book in the Canterlot archives to try and find a way home.

This way, we know that several weeks have passed, and it's clearer that she only spent a few days researching, so there's no clash between the two time clauses.

My second issue is that I don't think Celestia would tell Sunny to give up. Don't get me wrong: She'd surely tell her that the odds of finding what she's looking for are very slim. I just don't think she'd tell her to give in, even if Sunny spent several days searching.

The Final Conclusion

This review wasn't as small as I initially figured, it seems :twilightblush:. Oh well.

It seems we finally get a bit more insight into just how Heather got into Equestria, with a third-person view that made sense, even given that this was a first-person story. Good on you for that. The mystery, though, still persists on who was behind this all, though that can wait for the sequel, which you said was in the works. I look forward to reading it.

Now that the review is out of the way, I have a few parting words. I know I said this in the last review, but it has been a wild ride. I really enjoyed seeing this story evolve from a somewhat rushed few chapters into an interesting, well-paced story about a human girl trapped in a pony body. I know I've said before that it's hard to make those work, but I think you've done well in making me care about Sunny. I know I've been giving you criticism for your work to help you along, but it was you that actually put in the work writing your story, and for that, I take my hat off to you.

It's been great working with you and helping you make your story great. I eagerly await the sequel to this story. When it comes up, you can bet your bottom dollar I'll be there to read and help. I know I say this a lot, but seriously: Good luck, my friend, in all of your future endeavors! :twilightsmile:

I most say after the editing and rewrites, it aint bad a little short but not bad.

Looking forward to see what happens in the sequel.

Aside from the glaring grammar errors, not bad. I did stumble on some areas tho

This chapter felt disjointed. More detail would make it better. Also, some more detail on the previous chapter would benefit the story and add depth and realism to the character

What's with this necklace that glows?

I found this story to be choppy at best. Its a good idea, I liked the idea. I will have to agree with 6622322 Nothing that a good editor can't fix.

I´m not sure if I understand this right now, but I don´t like it that it looks like you already started somewhere in the middle of the story, already started a sequel, and right now it looks like you would start to make Prequel. It just looks really odd to me.

The next point is, even if it is Twilight I really prefer it to see how they make new connections.

Okay now I´m pretty sure this is the sequel to something your just about to write. I would say you maybe just start to write some sort of alternate sequel to the new story you started. I´m not sure if there really is a reason not to do it this way, but to me it seems really odd, and maybe difficult to add a good Prequel to the whole thing.

To be honest I´m not a huge fan of knowing already what is going to happen in her future, and then I start to read the Backgroundstory.

I get the weird feeling you maybe wanted to let her repeat the time she had in Ponyville for some reason, .....not sure how I like that right now.

Okay not sure how you really meant this chapter, but it seems rushed considered to what I´m used to read.

It felt even more rushed than the other chapter, it is kind of obvious that you want to reach a certain point in the story.

“Fastest Flyer, eh? I challenge you to to a race, then,” I challenged her, confident that I would win.

which type of Pony was she when she was meeting Rainbow? I mean she would have to be either a Unicorn, or an Earth Pony if she didn´t changed anything from when she got to Ponyville right? I mean why didn´t Ranibow asked her about not having wings?

Okay I saw they were only running. I try to be more open minded about this right now, but after I had to read the first two chapters, and started with your newest story, this seems a bit odd to me.

A new element huh?... hhhmmm not bad I guess, but I like it if the characters are somehow unique and maybe strong in their own way, so that they can still assist.

To be honest this chapter started to be somehow good, maybe because there was nothing that exactly looked like a timeskip again.
I liked the part where Rainbow bowed to her, I actually would be interessted to see someone that won´t say anything against them bowing to an Alicorn. I mean I liked that she was humble, but it is something that is interessting to me right now.

When she appeared, I didn't stick around to see what she would do. Silently, I snuck back to the library, thinking that would be the best place to look to try and find something that could defeat her. A few minutes after I reached the library, Twilight came storming in, causing me to jump. "S- Sunny? What are you doing here?" she asked.

I kind of hoped they would turn to her, reveal her as a princess, and that way she would somehow go with Twilight and the others.

"And how can I trust you? I saw you sneak out after Nightmare showed up!" I froze at what she said, I was losing all of the trust she had for me. Thankfully, Applejack came to our rescue, pulling Rainbow by her tail.

why? they know her far longer, why does she think that she would be a spy?

the scene where "the princess" helped sunny I wasn´t sure if it where Celestia, or Luna. Sometimes I´m never really sure who is speaking. At least now that there were more than two ponys.

I feel like you should really try to take your time, the ending didn´t even looked right for a whole story to stop.

If Heather/Sunny was voiced, what would she sound like?

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