• Member Since 28th Nov, 2016
  • offline last seen 57 minutes ago

J-90


I'm kinda bad at comment's, and believe in Karma.

T

Getting hit by a truck usually hurt's when you're awake during it. Not for me thou; I got sent to somewhere else by it. Now I'm in land of colorful ponies, as quite big, six-armed snake-lady with six sword's. And now I have some "sun worshipping" ponies after me... Because I'm different or something. All the while i'm just trying to survive. At least I got some friend's...

I am Naja, former human now in a body of a marilith. Known as the serpent of the south.



Displaced-esque story Inspired to start by Hollow Shades written by Dilos1. Go give it a read.
Tag's and rating might change as story progresses. My first story here, chosen from several other idea's with a coin flip. Movie never happened in this world.


Edit; WUT? Saw this on the featured-box on 26.12.2018 for a short moment? Did not see that coming... And again on 6.4.2019?... And once again 20.5.2019...3.8.2019...

Chapters (18)
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Comments ( 524 )

Considering it's inspired by Hollow Shades, I'm guessing you'll wait until after the main story is finished before doing cross-overs?

8808842
Most likely... Who know's what my writing inspirations says when/if such thing comes up.

8808934
Good idea. That way, the plot will remain intact plus it will give you time to give your character some development.

like the story but your missing a lots of a and an you have sentences like "Also it is somewhat hard to see this place as a prison, when THE ONLY some kinda warden is big three-headed dog."

Also it is somewhat hard to see this place as a prison, when THE ONLY some kinda warden is a big three-headed dog.

8809366
Thanks for the info :). Hopefully got most of them fixed...

Hmm...

Would "Hapless fortunes" work as a title?

It is pretty clear that Celestia is a daddy's girl.

Not a bad premise, though its missing things. 'Serpent of south' itself sounds a bit... odd. 'Serpent of the south' sounds a lot better. Could use a lot of editing and fix-ups in grammar and language. But not bad.

8812662
Ty for the info. I try to fix typos and such, which might take time due to english is not my native language... Might need editor maybe...
Still hoping it does not disrupt the reading too much...

Comment posted by J-90 deleted Mar 25th, 2018

Interesting so far can't what to read more

Comment posted by theoldhunter deleted Mar 22nd, 2018

Okay, right off the bat I need to say you need to learn what apostrophes are for. You don't use them to denote multiples. You only use them when you're either abbreviating two words into a contraction, like "Did" and "Not" becoming "Didn't", or when you're showing possession of something, like "That crown is Celestia's".

Another thing to note is Jesus Christ slow the hell down. Seriously, you're bull rushing through this story faster than a cheetah on meth. Slow down and take the time to describe scenes and actions. Right now you're doing a lot of telling, not showing, which is generally bad for a fanfic.

Okay, yeah, you really do need an editor for this. I like the concept, as it's something I'd like to see more of, but it's rather painful to read as is.

8823496
8823507
Thank's for the input. I have intentions of fixing this up anyway, including trying to find an editor, when I have the time, due to horrible thing known as... Real-Life:pinkiegasp:...
Also on side note; Wow... Cheetah on meth? I wonder how would that look like in IRL? Not good I think. And I hope reading this story, as it is now, was not too painful... Like compared watching the "Rapsittie street kids believe in santa"...:pinkiesick:

8823707
Not exactly sure what that is, but it sounds cancerous. So... gonna have to take a shot in the dark here and say no, it was not worse.

But as I said, I would really enjoy this if you did manage to clean it up and find someone who could help polish the English, if only for the whole multi-armed snake lady thing.

8823834
"Rapsittie street kids believe in santa" is apparently THE worst christmas-special that aired on tv once, and never again. Found out about it by NostalgiaCritic. Apparently animation is so bad, it can make ones eyes bleed, suck out your soul. And that looking at the sun is less painful (in episodes jokes). So... Check it out on youtube at your own risk...:pinkiecrazy:

And as said intend to do cleaning up things eventually.:rainbowdetermined2:

8823862
You've intrigued me now. I kinda need to see it to believe it. And if you do clean it up, send me a PM. I'd like to see the refurbished version.

Celestia the spoiled princess sith, now I want to see Celestia with her magic glowing red having a sword fight with it. I have been playing too much star wars lately can you tell?

Lots and lots of missing connecting words, and yes a bit rushed. But I'm still interested so I'll give the rest of it a shot. It certainly helps that, after the Sphinx, the Maralith is one of my all time favorite monsters.

As I said prior, you're missing connecting words mostly. A few typos, but nothing that really stood out. But I will point out that titles like Queen, King, and Princess are supposed to be capitalized. Overall, much better than the first chapter.

I guess I'll be following this as it's certainly caught my interest. I find myself wondering just how the following centuries will go before Celestia gets her "revenge"... And if she'll ever understand that she was the one in the wrong? And I'm further curious about this "other country almost as old as Equestria" that the synopsis mentions. Does she found that world's version of an Aztec/Inca type country?

Lastly, thanks for the entertainment. :twilightsmile:

8838388
Ty for information.
And good to hear this is entertaining :twilightsmile:. Also... I don't see the "other country almost as old as Equestria" in synopsis; could be misread "creature in southern land's, that is nearly as old as nation of Equestria", but still somewhat close in a way. Don't wanna spoil too much... Thou is there any Aztec/Inca type country in mlp fan-writing's?

8839892
Well, in canon there's that weird Aztecy-kinda creature that Daring Do fights. In fan-writings? The only one I can think of that kinda fits is "Through Feline Eyes" by: Fordregha. Though it's not exactly Aztec or Inca (though there are similarities, in a hodgepodge kind of way)... The first part of the story involves Feline-huminoids living in a jungle. Sorry, but I can't think of any others that even come close.

8838388
Celestia, even in canon, avoids pinning the blame on herself.

If she's not careful Celestia might end up a daemon herself.

I'm not into displaced, but may I just ask what anime this marilith creature is from?

The amount of hearts that nearly stopped on this day were many and the need for diapers increased.

Mommy? What was that big snakey thingy?" said slightly squeaky voice of curious Hermes from her back. Falgo seemed to be hesitant to answer to that question. Shadow Petal, after little thinking, not so much.
"Something your momma and papa hope does not hold a grudge..."

I laughed so hard at that

8839892
their is a final fantasy tag if you want to add that just thought I would let you know

Hmm, Red, so Ifrit or Phoenix maybe? But Holy, so perhaps Alexander? Yeah, I'll go with Alexander, even if a giant robot will look sooo out of place in ancient Equestria.

Also, hey, looks like Naja finally got some neighbors. I'll be curious to see if it's an adult or a child that approaches her first... My bet is on a kid, they haven't yet realized that they're mortal just yet. Though I wouldn't put it past the adults to "scout the vipers den" as it were, so as to know where the giant snake lady is staying.

I really want to see what you do with the group and how they interact with our protagonist. Keep up the good work.

After all of those scuffles with the jungles fluffy killer animals, I managed to heal myself with another 'unlocked' move or skill; simple physical injury healing spell and another that seemed to heal alignments, so I guess they where close to 'Cure' and 'Esuna'. And yes, I named them so.

That should be ailments i assume

8868895
It’s not just an anime creature... six armed snakes with the same name also excist in DnD :D

8870360
I know that, but that screenshot is clearly from an anime, and the marilith in D&D isn't that much bigger than a human.

Only one more seriously injured was the ringmaster Whipper, who was still in lot of pain but would miraculously live.

Oh wow, he is tough :applejackconfused:

"Something your momma and papa hope does not hold a grudge..." Petal answered, while looking at the direction where the serpent had slithered away...

Well you should be fine... as long as you don't attack her or tell a certain Princess, in a certain castle about her :coolphoto:

8955919
Eh, just lucky nothing truly vital got hit by the blade. It happens sometimes; you most likely survive with fast and proper treatment, but it most definitely hurt's...

8969330
Working on the next chapter. Real-Life just slows it down a little, but its coming...

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