Hello, my name is Ayumi. My pen-pal, Rina, sent me a strange email which she signed off as "Pinkie" a couple days ago. She did so when she learned that I was signing up for a student exchange program for her school, which would allow me to meet her in person. My screen glowed a deep redish purple and transformed me into the secret ponysona I once created. It's a good thing I already loved the show! I bet Rina will flip out when she sees my new form!
Now then, I just need to learn how to use these wings...
Chapters (1)
Not to be rude, but please fix your grammar. When you do, then I'll read it.
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw5156_small.png
Here's some people who could help:
Writer's Group
School for New Writers
Looking for Editors
I agree. I would recommend Tide Hunter or Chrome Masquerade. They have been nice enough to help me edit in my fan fics.
Sydney, Australia. Not certain if this is the exact city the fics take place in, you'd have to ask the author of Lavender Heart.
For God's sake, use some punctuation.
8070636 give me a break my phone wouldn't let me
That description though. Classy.
Can I just say that that the comparison between your fic's decription and it's content is astounding? The differences are huge.
8070798 Why the shit are you posting on your phone? The description is the first impression people get of your story, and right now your description is giving the impression of a hyperactive preschooler with little to no respect for grammar and formatting.
8071147 That's a bit harsh, isn't it?
Still, yes, this story has severe flaws. Aside from the fact that I don't recommend posting on your phone, like I said, I'm not going to sit here and roast you. Just check out the groups I mentioned. I'd much rather you get help than get into an argument with us here.
8070119 kinda figured it was a small town on the southeastern coast as there is a small woods close to the sea nearby low chance of that in Sydney itself so maybe a small suburb
8071276 already got two ponies on it. Sry about the crap description compared to the story itself like i said before i posted that part with my phone
8071276 I just said that was the impression we were getting from the description. The story's just fine, but the casual reader couldn't tell that from this wretched description!
8069875 I know... I saw that and cringed hard....
I mean this not to be rude but like already said please A. fix your grammar or B. get an editor.... Please...
Edit: never mind.
I did say I would read it...
First, the title still isn't fixed. Second, wow. This looks like a summary of a self-insert Mary Sue story. You say that the main character lives in what I would assume is our world's Russia, yet her name is Ayumi Tempest Flare Dno’oove? Excuse me, but I believe no one names their child like that, unless they are really diehard MLP fans. Also, there is absolutely no dialogue whatsoever. It feels like a history book. You need to have your characters speak, since a lot of their characteristics can be inferred from what they say and how they say it. Allowing us to see their thoughts and emotions are also nice.
That's only for general writing. The content, on the other hand.... I know I shouldn't be one to speak. After all, if you check my sole story, it's also written pretty badly. But come on, this story is another example of people self-inserting themselves into it and making themselves overpowered. It's just not a fun story to read.
I would suggest you check out the groups mentioned by the other commenters, but my personal suggestion is to read the stories in the Featured box. They're there for a reason, and that is because they are good, well-written stories.
Hope I can see you improve :)
8072856 have a few things to say to your assessment 1 This is a tie in to a collab story 2 the reason it sounds like a history is because it is it's a small backstory of my character 3 the mary sue bit I admit to but there are even worse offenders in the mane story 4 reread the name bit my character had her name legally changed to Ayumi Tempest Flare Dno'oove From Ayumi Alexia Selene Dno'oove.
All in all the first chapter is just a way to introduce my character and a slice of her backstory Please read both 'Lavender Heart' and 'Aspects of Harmony' in the 'Anthros of Harmony' group that this story is featured in.
p.s. This story is number 5 ?
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/211980/anthros-of-harmony/thread/312555/in-what-order-are-we-suppose-to-read-the-stories
8073438
If it's a tie-in or a sequel, it would be good to link it in the story description so people wouldn't assume it is a stand-alone story.
Also, I rechecked, there is nothing about Ayumi legally changing her name in the beginning. If it's somewhere in the middle, which I'll admit I lightly skimmed, it's still a bad place to put a detail like that.
About the Mary Sue part. Just because there are worse offenders doesn't mean you should still do it. It's like saying stealing a few dollars is OK since some people steal a lot more than that.
Lastly, you should note somewhere, somehow that the first chapter is a retelling of previous events. An example could be making the title "Where We Left Off".
8071309 Ah, "Moonie." Nightmare Moon will have been defeated and turned back to human when she reaches where the main cast are. You know this. However, does Ayumi's mention of her somehow hint that there is another one somewhere already?
8110276 Eyup but due to factors out of Moonie's control she has yet to contact Luna or Celest (my nickname for Celestia) though she is already on earth and knows I have already Shifted
8110317 So Moonie is not quite the Nightmare Moon we know, then? Is she somehow good? That would sound almost like Nyx from Past Sins.
8110730 yes and no Moonie is good but she isn't like Nyx. in her's and Tempe's timeline she and Luna were secret lovers and wives.
8110816 I... see.
Any more?
8604684
working on it
8605117
Yay!!!!!
8607093
I don't know if the chapter is out yet but my first chapter leads directly into one of the two main stories
8607113
K
8607113
?
Continue?
9060929 The chapter isn't out yet I'm waiting till that chapter is posted to post my second chapter
9061076
.....
9061079 sorry but I don't want to jump too far ahead of the main story I'm already doing that in Harmony Mouse
9061080
You only posted one chapter.
9061082
I know. I'm working as a coauthor in Harmony Mouse. Like I said earlier I'll post the next chapter of this story after the chapter in the main story is posted as that story contains major details that pertain to my stories and you wouldn't be able to follow the story without.
9061088
To be honest I just want to see what happens in this particular story I'm not reading the other
9061092
sorry but the stories cross over a lot so it's hard to make chapters that don't
9061095
Sigh.
8070119
I believe Perth, WEstern Australia is where anthro Twilight and her friends attend school. Twilight visits Geographe Bay and finds the Elements of Harmony there. On one beach, she meets anthro Applejack and they talk about the different types of pony anthros: Pegasi, Earth Ponies, Unicorns, and the Alicorns. Later we meet other anthros who have assumed new forms (Bat ponies, etc). There are dragons like Spike and Ember, and many others yet to be discovered like Buffalo, Yak, Reformed Changelings, Hippogryphs and Griffons.
9061096 Curb your excitement and toxicity, please. People have lives. They do not exist solely to cater to your every whim. Give this poor writer a damn break. Hell, give every writer you go after a damn break.
10825107
I do believe I have considering this comment is THREE YEARS OLD.
10825271
You know that you are the reason I stopped writing this story
10825399
.....Really? I even stopped asking because I realized I went too far.
10826595
To be fair I also became homeless for awhile around then so I had no consistent internet for a few weeks
10826678
.....I am SO Sorry to hear that. I Hope you have a warm Home now.
10827152
Thanks
10827792
No problem.
What about Spike though?
11605975
I actually have his story as well I haven't worked on it because it wasn't mine to begin with and I haven't found any inspiration for it
11606269
Ok.