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  • offline last seen Jul 26th, 2019

general well


afternoon walk enlightenment and reading books about war and killing also economy and religion and politics and the world affair like history anything almost anything like school go to school

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what happen if the country of United States teleport middle of the ocean. on a different planet what would United States. would America make enemies or allies who would they be would it benefit or would not here's my take on it

Chapters (19)
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Comments ( 112 )

... No

No. No. No.

No.

EDIT: There was an editor for this absolute dreck!?

“Sir! Mexico is disappearing!” the Guard frantically.

“What do you mean?” Fred asked while looking at the guard incredulously.

“It started vanishing like the TARDIS from Doctor Who” the guard referenced.

“Let me see what's going on.” he said skeptically, with haste they ran to the tower on top of the building.

“You see, sir.” the Guard pointed toward the distance. He was right Mexico with disappear in front of his eye.

I favorited this story. It is so stylistically bad, I love it. I can't tell if that was the author's intention or the magical work of the editor though.

It's freedom time
Warning this video contains blood and gore... BEWARE!

Ok I will bite and follow for now. My biggest complaint is the human dialogue it feels clunky and doesn't flow well. Still an interesting idea taking the entire lower 48 and putting them near Equestria. Would hate to see what would happen back on Earth but would love to see what would happen with magical pony world!

you know is it hard to make a story in a McDonald's all the kids they are screaming

I thought there would be a dramatic build up before the "accident" phase.

first off for the love of god get a editor if you have a editor get a better one
second this story has been done and its been done better http://www.fimfiction.net/story/205215/island-in-the-sea-of-equus that being said it's taking that story forever to update so i'll watch this for now

that where I got a part of the inspiration can alsoI'm pretty sure its me not the editor. I would try to make little bit more dialogue and some emotion and also this is my first story. deal with it and wait until I get better that's how evolution works

You must be kidding me...

....English was not your first language was it?

Da. An ISOT scenario. Really a good premise. Poor execution. If I were on Yelp right now? 2 stars.

Even better than spiders.

Faved, thumbed and followed. :eeyup:

english is my first language

6467839

Isn't it obvious? People with English as a second language usually at least get the capitalization and punctuation close to correct. An all-lowercase title and a short description with only a single period and "United States" as the only capitalized part screams of a native English speaker with no respect for their mother tongue. (Like giving a speech in ripped, stained, wrinkled clothing because you have no respect for the audience.)

...and now for the constructive bit:

6468469

I strongly advise you to install LibreOffice and LanguageTool. The English-language grammar-check rules could use some expanding, but it's better than nothing and it'll at least catch that "forgot to capitalize the first word in the sentence" problem.

say thank you to my editor

For what? He/she obviously did no work whatsoever.

6468469 Use this button (>>), it works wonders. And as for your fic, I see a distinct lack of any mention of an editor's name and/or site userpage in the after-synopsis bit and in the author's notes (which this wreck sorely lacks). If you cannot get an editor, than look over your story's chapter-to-be a few times, top to bottom, and flesh it out some more if need be before fixing small nitpick errors that half the people here are bordering on going total Grammar Nazi over. And then, after publishing the chapter, fix it some MORE! You'll miss errors even during the pre-publishing, triple-to-quadruple-checking phase, which is why I recommend this--but only do so upon finding them and/or having them pointed out to you.

Also, try to be original in your concept--add new spins to it, like the American populace being swapped out with ISIS and the people they're oppressing before sending the good ol' US of A down the magical Deus Ex Machina portal to Equestria. It's what I do, and it works wonders sometimes.

I know sounds strange that dialogue and doesn't make sense but wait until it gets better in the future

think about it like a movie in the beginning is going slow then gets better don't dislike just because beginning people say don't judge a book by its cover in this case that 1 page

People oft judge books on their first page alone, and sadly that's what you're getting. You should not have published this chapter--it looks a lot more like a first draft than it does a cohesive prologue to a story. In fact, a beginning is the most important bit of a story; it's what draws the readers in hook, line, and sinker if executed in a way that they'll want to see more of it. It's the same deal with a movie; only instead of directing a camera, you're mastering the keys of the keyboard in direct tandem with your vocabulary, established setting and characters.

All four of which you're simply not grasping. You're doing it wrong.

If this was going for a "so bad it's good" angle, then congrats, because this is one of the most hilarious trainwrecks of a fic I've seen in quite some time.

If it was meant to be taken seriously...

This isn't YouTube, it's a fanfiction website, where you are expected to use proper grammar and punctuation.

6471381

...you are expected to use proper grammar and punctuation.

:ajbemused:

Well, you're no fun at all.

Edited for punctuation.

6471832 Like, missing some of it is fine, but the amount that is missing here makes it almost unreadable.

6471998 What are you facehoofing at, may I ask?

Just a few edits to make this story more readable:

what happen if the country of United States teleport middle of the ocean. on a different planet what would United States do here it is

Correct spelling should be:
What happens if the country United States teleported to the middle of the ocean, on a different planet. What would the United States do? Here it is.

That's is the sound of one of the newest machine made by Professor Britney, “Good it works.” Britney announced.

Correct spelling:

That's the sound of one of the newests machines made by Professor Britney.
"Good, it works." Britney announced.

“We’ve finally done it!”, one of the scientist exclaimed. After eleven years Brittany hand finally done it. Britney helped to create the first ever dimensional transporter or the USDT, it sounds terrible.

Should be

"We've finally done it!" One of the scientists exclaimed. After eleven years, Britney had finally done it. Britney helped create the first ever dimensional transporter or the USDT. It sounds terrible.

I can almost understand it...

Quick question will you be posting the changes after your editor gets done? Here are a few I caught.

The first paragraph repeats it self twice with the same information said a different way.

The fourth paragraph has a few words capitalized that are not needed and the phone ringing sentence needs to been shuffled around a bit.

The fifth and sixth paragraphs also have words that need capitalize letters.

The missing and unessary capitalizations are the biggest flaws I can see besides the one listed below

In one of the final paragraphs when they are looking over the photo of Equestria the mention of no cars gets rehashed sever times. It feels like mentioning everything else and then mentioning the lack of cars would flow better.

Overall nice chapter and I hope to see how the Pony's are reacting to this development shortly! I hope you keep at it!

maybe he didn't like that they have trains but did not have a car only chariot

Comment posted by general well deleted Oct 9th, 2015

Very good idea for a story, but there are a lot of errors, and that kinda detracts from what's going on. If I may be so bold, please proofread the chapter.

I enjoy this kind of story.

Wait so Alaska and Hawaii are both also here?! That cannot be good for the environment in Alaska. I would have kept it at just the contiguous 48 to keep it simple.

I want to make it confusing for myself is a challenge

6512583 F you. If equestria is good for your states it can be good for Alaska. Besides, Alaska would fair just fine. it's not just a frozen wasteland.

6513409

I know that. There are many parts that are in a permafrost. From my very old high school biology class that would be very bad ecologically for the environment. No need to be hostel. Hawaii is also in danger because of the possible shift in latitude. No need to be mean.

6513991 there's also cold places in equestria. Some places where my state would be just fine.

6516073

I also did not mean to sound like I was bashing Alaska, just the danger of what could happen. Plus the author did say he was doing it for the challenge.

(Sigh) Please write in proper English, sir. It's really painful to have to read this as it is, as much as I like it and love the idea for it.

are you want to edit

6528789 Use this button. It works wonders!

i.prntscr.com/3db98aeeddbc4360ae78f1660cf2a115.png

And have you been reading all of the comments in this section not your own? I'm just wondering.

Queen Mothra had a busy day, she was talking to a noble when a guard came up to her.

Okay, I can't resist:

Is this punishment for me not updating in a while?

I'm taking this as a omen or something.

The premise is interesting but the idea of just the US being transported is illogical. Without something to keep the effect within the borders of the US or project it electromagnetic waves go out in rings around the projection point

6543616

This is an ISOT. The ASB will magically reduce all the adverse effects on oceanic currents, groundwater supplies, ecosystems, energy projection, geological processes, and deposits of natural resources such as petroleum, shale, coal, uranium, etc. Hell, with Equus being so magical and shit, I'd expect the Contiguous 48, Alaska and Hawaii to have self-regenerating and expanding natural resources. (I'd say faster development of Hawaiian Coral reefs, instant fixing of BP Gulf Spill, SAFE expansion of Everglades/Wetlands in general into available areas, enhanced snowfall out in the Rockies/Tetons area, just to name a few)

6541628

No. There are timelines doing a helluva lot worse on updates, or have returned only just now. Connecticut Yankee in King Robert's Court 2.0, and The Changeling by Sargon only recently got a revival. An Age of Miracles has been on hiatus since June. Issac's Empire is being updated really sporadically. What about that one where Jesus Christ eventually seizes power in Rome as emperor in a Heraclius-style move, avenging his adopted brother? Look at anything from okmangeez. While his TLs are good, they tend to lose steam after a few months. Hell, I myself can't seem to get the mojo up for a proper, extended TL. With the feelings of alternatehistory.com about MLP:FiM, it's totally excusable for you to pay attention to more important TLs.

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