I just wanted a hunting trip, with just my wife and my dog, but we became lost in the woods and ended up somewhere. Becoming slaves that were mining gems for diamond dogs. For the past two hours, I've been in the mine. I took over... I mean we took it over. Now, we are the ruler of this place. That means everyone under our rule must be protected. That means killing anything that gets in our way of protecting my future children, loved ones and my citizens. To live, to survive, to thrive.
Chapters (13)
This story doesn't seem too bad so far but I think you've underutilized the pony slave(s) for one thing Mystic Falls since she has never actually known what freedom is wouldn't have a good reason to leave as he'd most likely be a victim of Stockholm syndrome or some other condition, he would most likely have felt like this was what life was and how it always would be. This could be fixed however if you explained that maybe some of the other slave ponies with him described what freedom was like. What you've done isn't really bad I'm just saying you kinda missed a opportunity to go deeper.
6568776 yeah you rightI do that for chapter 3
"That's mean" or "that means"? Few things are more off-putting than bad grammar in the summary.
Tom should have the diamond dogs set up traps around his city in case more beings attack it. The diamond dogs could set up pitfall traps since they can dig pretty easily.
I know I pretty much am just offering suggestions but I do enjoy your story. But what I want to say is Tom should investigate the gryphon's kingdom to make sure he's not getting swindled. Also I think the story is a little rushed in some areas (I have this problem too) try taking a little more time to describe the environments and the expressions and feelings of the characters, you do that some already and that's good.
6673944 ok, I make him investigate???? and the pitfall is a good idea but the Citizen safety, you know how kids like doing dangerous thing.
6674134 He could inform the people where the traps are and tell them not to go there, or set up secret signals that only people in his city would know about that tell where the traps are located, like a trap may be hidden next to a certain berry bush or something. That's just what I thought.
6674414 did I make chapter 7 little too serious, the traitor part?
I wonder when/if Canterlot and Ponyville will get involved.
6764653 the equestrian will get involve but not that soon.
Interesting story, but rather poorly executed. Very choppy and rushed, almost no descriptors whatsoever. Of course, that's just the first chapter, but it looks like this story isn't for me.
6769219 can you please tell me how could I made it better.
6769826 More descriptors. Plain and simple. Take your time with the story, don't rush it.
6923821 because I have another story so wait, please.
6925091 awwww
P.S "This is day 3."
Bro, do you even hunt?! WTF kind of hunter goes around the woods with a dog just talking up a storm, I may have only some experience with hunting, out of a blind at that, but even I can tell you; Be quiet! I was punched in the face the first time I was in a blind for breathing too loud. And dog? Bro, have you ever seen Bambi? If you're using dogs, plural, they chase the deer to exhaustion and you put a hole in the deers head. Clouds, moderately good; cold, better yet! That's when the deer are moving around the most. What kind of dog was Rex, what brand of camo were they wearing, what were the rifles' calibres (My brother-in-law uses a .270 while my sister has a .243, different people will prefer different calibres and different brands), did he us scent blockers of any kind, why wasn't they wearing orange, including the dog?
Do research about everything you don't have personal experience in. This story seems like a good idea, ignoring the descriptions being made with *these*, the lack of knowledge about many things and spotty grammar. I'll keep this in my read it later folder, as well as not like or dislike this, on the hope that you'll get the experience needed, both hunting and writing. Good day and I hope to see you keep improving. Oh, and start writting on Gdocs, it'll help immensely.
6568776 Agreed, and Maria slicing someone's throat with no qualms, either Tom married a sociopath or a bodysnatcher. None of the ponies had a problem either, a race of peace loving, primarily vegetarian herd animals.
6996584 The hunting rifle that Tom uses is a Savage Model 12 F/TR with .308 Cartridge.
Maria has a Sauer 202 Avantgarde Grande .300 Cartridge. And Rex is 4 years old Bloodhound.
Maria was born and grew up in Mexico, you know the country with dangerous Street and drug trafficking. Like almost everyone has a gun or a weapon. And I'm not lying I've been there for 4 times in the summer. That makes 360 days I collected being there over the years.
That's why I know people used to death and murder in the streets. And also that's why Maria is able to care less about criminals and other bad
things.
Anyways let's get to the point.
The majority race of ‘peace loving, vegetarian’ living under the rule of Tom and Maria are like the 5th generation or second generation living in the mines.
Just think about them as domestic pets. So these are the great great grandchildren of slaves that got used to death, murder, tortured and being ordered around and not getting fed properly.
That's why they don't care what Tom and Maria do to Diamond dog.
This is a example: Mystic Falls was born in mine. His mother was a pony from from civilization.
What's the difference.
He thinks death happens on a daily base.
While his mother was a equestrian citizen living in Hoofington.
There's a difference in the population.
the majority were born in slavery, the 10 other percent were recently captured or for 10 years in slavery.
This is my explanation. I'm pretty sure I messed up on some part. But the rest is explanation and answered. Can you please tell me that if I am missing something on this note. I'll be grateful for it. Thank you for reading this and I hope I answer most of your questions, but I don't know.
Ok, just putting it out there. My story (which was posted before this one) has humans working, as slaves in the Dimond dog mine. I was just curious to know if you read my story and used a bit of the idea.
The story is called To hide from your freinds among your freinds.
7126430 never heard about it. so I'm going to read it and see how similar is it with mine. and thank you for telling me this. and can you tell me what to do on my story, it would be greatly appreciated.
I like it
7283673 "Thank you."
This is awesome keep going
Exclamation: B#LL SH#TE!
Correction: That is not possible in a day with no binding material.