- Member Since 14th Apr, 2012
- offline last seen March 28th
JujubeLand
Behold! I bring you the written word! ...That is all.
JujubeLand
Joined 14th Apr, 2012 ·
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what about preemptive thumbs-up?
658470 Not necessarily encouraged, but not entirely unwelcome.
Wait a Braeburn fic that isn't a slash pairing...WHAT MANNER OF WITCHCRAFT IS THIS?!?!
You know she ruined him because any other chick is with he's gonna be thinking well...that was nice but I've have better. I nailed god's sister and made the the stars and moon flicker.
^Stuff like that would give any guy an ego the size of Texas.
Peace Out.
>The fun was tripled
I would have let myself laugh off of my rocker if I wasn't so engrossed by the sentiment and intimacy. Anyway, this is amazing, very nice job. The imagery is beyond words, I absolutely adore it.
Sweet Celestia, this was good. Words don't do it justice. I'm literally wracking my brain right now and the only coherent thought i can piece together is the conclusion that my vocabulary is simply insufficient. It's definitely, instantaneously in my top two clopfics on the site right now. I guess they'll duke it out in some imaginary final round sometime down the road. Regardless, liked/faved/subbed. (also, it may be a weird pairing, but that doesn't seem to matter a wink as long as you have the means to bring them together, which you did flawlessly.
)
659473 Totally worth it, though. Thanks for the read!
659737 I couldn't resist tossing that in there.
Thank you for the positive feedback, 'tis much appreciated.
660913 Wow. Now I'm at a loss for words, except to say thank you very, very much for such a glowing review. It's truly an exhilarating and terrifying thing to see that my work has elicited such a positive response. Again, thank you. Out of curiosity, what's your other candidate for top clop?
I was hoping for some TwiLuna, but oh well. This'll do just fine.
This. Was. AMAZING.
Top-Grade Grammar, awesome fic, and last but not least, a combo I have never seen before.
I'm utterly speechless at how amazing this turned out. Great job!
662864 Thank you, thank you, and thank you. Glad you enjoyed it. I have to admit, I was tentative at first when I thought of combining these two characters, but on the whole, I feel like it worked out well, and all the positive comments seem to indicate the same.
Feel free to peruse my other works, and thanks again!
661479
Time will tell, i guess.
Darf's Drop the (b)Ass. I think it stands as a solid clopfic in it's own right, but it also combines a lot of stuff that i personally look for in clop. An amalgamation that just clicks for me, i suppose. I want to say yours is better from an impersonal perspective, but it's hard to view such naughtiness from a detached angle.
663133 That one was pretty incredible; Darf is a very good writer, especially in his utilization of first person. I'm honored that you would even mention me in the same sentence with him when it comes to clopfics. Anyway, thanks again, and feel free to check out my other stuff.
Excellent. Very very excellent. Well written and just romantic enough to make me swoon. Hot enough to make me do other things. I'm a fan of descriptiveness and you delivered that quite well. Such a sweet, and sexy, story makes me happy. ^^
673684 All this positive feedback! It's overwhelming!
Thank you, thank you, and thank you again.
lol
this was sweet
i like it
here
take my thumb and star
676932 Taken. Thanks for the read!
The fun had been tripled!!! Thumbs to the sky
678383 When the situation presented itself for me to utilize that line, I knew it was going to be epic. Thanks for the read and the thumbs-up!
A well put together story, the intimacy between the two comes off nicely although things between the pair are quite rushed. They have no knowledge of each other other than hearsay before this night and within 5 minutes of their first meeting they're having sex. Something like that makes the story feel as if it's just a vehicle to get the clop to the reader, and ruins the feeling of intimacy soon after it is built. This goes against the intimate feeling you're trying to build. You could easily have started the story in media res well into their relationship and told, through Luna's memories, how she had first heard Braeburn singing, the story of the guitar, and perhaps how she had it mended or replaced with something finer, how they had grown close and built a relationship where sex feels less like it's naked need & lust, and more as if it's built from a solid foundation of intimacy. Neither Luna, nor Braeburn seems the type to have sex with somepony they've just met and no story that is striving for intimacy should have the characters throwing themselves at each other so quickly after meeting.
The grammar, syntax, and vocabulary for this fic are all top notch, no glaring errors that took me out of the story; however, you do seem to have a tendency to overuse the same flowery language (and a bit of overuse on description in general). The reader doesn't need to hear about Braeburn's "Orange and Amber mane", his "pistachio colored irises", or the "spark inside of his eyes" three or more times in a short span. Good descriptive language is great when first describing a character. It helps to give the reader a good mental image of the character and the scene, but when you use it over and over again with no variation it begins to lose meaning, and make your paragraphs all feel the same, which encourages the reader to simply skim over your story feeling that they won't miss anything of importance. Try either varying the descriptions or simply shortening them rather than repeating yourself. This will help your story to feel more concise and lose the "length for length's sake" feeling that cropped up a few times during the reading.
You also tend to lose track of pony anatomy a few times during the story, and you revert to more human or anthropomorphic descriptions. This isn't a terrible thing, but if a reader is like me and they're envisioning the scene, your vivid descriptions can cause the scene to distort, and pull the reader out of the story. There are a few good examples in the blowjob scene that I can easily use. You consistently describe Luna as looking up into Braeburn's eyes yet unless Braeburn was on his back, there would be no comfortable way for the two to maintain eye contact. Keep in mind, ponies can't comfortably sit like a human (a function of the way their back knees function) If they're sitting on their flank they will tend to look more like a dog (with their forelegs in front of them for balance and their hind legs pulled slightly up with their hock & cannon lying flat against the ground) you can see them resting like this often in the show. The reason we have a bit of fun with Lyra sitting in that position (like a human) is simply because of how unnatural and uncomfortable it would be for a pony. If she were giving a blowjob to a sitting Braeburn (as is described) then her head would be underneath his barrel with his forelegs resting against her withers and there would be no good way for the two to make eye contact without Luna pulling completely away. Also, unless Luna was coming in from the side, her horn would be thrusting directly against Braeburn (quite uncomfortably I would imagine) yet no comment is made of it at all in the story. Lastly in that part, you have Luna choking when she deepthroats Braeburn, however, equines have no gag reflex. This is a common mistake made in clopfics because most authors simply don't realize this simple fact and revert to the human problem of deepthroating requiring the female to overcome their gag reflex. Not major problems but these things add up, and can tend to take a reader out of the story if they're trying to hold a mental image of the scene. To help with this in your writing, either during writing, or review, try to envision things exactly as they are written (not as you imagined them, but as the words actively describe) you can quickly notice when descriptions don't meet intentions in this way.
I hope you don't feel I've been too verbose, however, you seem like the type that wants to create more than just an "average" story, and I hope that my criticisms and ideas will help you to build on the good foundation of skill that you already show. I look forward to seeing your future stories.
679078 Thank you for both the read and your honesty; you've certainly given me much to think about and consider for future projects. A proper review is always welcome, and I appreciate your candor.
Braeburn is my favorate pony....need more
Wait a minute, straight braeburn? I'm giving this a pre-emptive like just for trying to break braeburn's gay stereotype.
760718 ...Best parents ever? Thanks for the read.
i932.photobucket.com/albums/ad165/jdfboy/celestiadefeatedscaled.jpg
I came... so hard...
I can't even find the strength to offer criticism. I'm in bliss here
765634 My initial reaction upon seeing the picture combined with your first sentence? Nigh-uncontrollable laughter.
Well played.
I'm glad to see my humble little story had such a...profound effect. Thank you most sincerely for the read.
"After their extended kiss, she drew her head back, a thin string of saliva suspended between them for a moment before it snapped and splashed delicately against her skin."
My god, sir. You even manage to make a strand of spittle sound like an elegant thing. This is by far the most painstakingly detailed clop I've ever read, and for that, you get a thumbs up and a watch!
792377 Thank you very much!
794173 No problem! You deserve it after that kind of effort!
And yet another wonderful piece of clop.
811791 I see I've lured you in. You shall be powerless now, powerless to resist the overwhelming feels. *commence evil laugh*
I mean...er...thanks again!
Yet another tastefully done masterpiece added to the growing collection of "good" erotica. I especially enjoyed the opening scenes. A good quality back story preceding the main subject. Not corny, but to detailed so as to dissuade the reader from continuing. Not to long, yet not so short its purpose was defeated. I tip my glass to you.
972612 I'm glad you're enjoying my works. I can't thank you and all the readers enough for all the positive feedback you all have been providing ever since I posted my first piece...it's humbling, overwhelming, and encouraging all at the same time. Cheers.
972780 I can't thank you enough for such great works of art.
Another awesome story :D I always though Luna was the best, and you managed to combine a cool story with passionate scenes. Onto the next story
I've decided there needs to be more of this pairing. *goes to write some more*
Very nice, me really like.
Wow, finally made time to read this rather... unique and interesting pairing. I definitely have to say this is among my top of clopfics on the site, for more than one reason, which I'd rather not go into.
It's quite detailed, and painted a somewhat vivid picture (at least, I think it did) in my mind's eye, as I was reading. Definitely an interesting take on how Luna needed some lovin', even if didn't exactly expect her to be so... forward about it, with the first stallion she met that was appreciative of her night.
And not sure if thewaffler was correct in a way about being discomparative and possibly saying with future partners that he had better a lay in the past; though I imagine like most of your couplings, this'd be true for Luna (at least, while Braeburn's around, I assume). Not to mention, what few others have said about the fun has been tripled line! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png
Other parts I kinda liked to an extent, were Braeburn being a guitar-playing, shy around the Princess of the night pony. And how their erm, relationship (if could be called that), starts in this story. Small nitpick seemed to be switching between Luna's past-tense and modern-day speaking for ponies, even if she did sorta do it a few times in the Luna Eclipsed and A Canterlot Wedding episodes. Just not sure how much time's passed in your world for all these stories and if still speaks like that, going back and forth. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Luna_apple.png Mean no offense, just not sure if might be a bit annoying (assuming you write anymore Luna stories), switching between speaking styles, but hey, do as you wish!
I'd definitely wanna read more of this... unique and interesting couple, if you find a prompt or inspiration that'd enable you to come up with more!
1389895 Yeah, Luna's voice does present a rather unique challenge, simply because she does utilize both ancient and modern voices in the show. I did my best, and that's all I can do. Keep an eye out for future shenanigans involving everyone's favorite frontier pony and princess of the night!
A straight Braeburn clopfic?!
I FINALLY FOUND ONE! AND WITH MY FAVORITE PRINCESS TO BOOT! 
Definitely one of the better clopfics out there and very well detailed.
Kudos to you.
1786384 Thanks much! I agree that there aren't nearly enough straight Braeburn clops, and even the ones that are usually involve him and Little Strongheart (not that there's anything wrong with that, but a little variety is nice every now and again). I'm glad you liked it, and I appreciate the mustache.
Ashamed to say this but.... I clopped.....Not proud of it, not proud of it at all.
1854626 I'm not here to judge. I'm just here to write stories. People may do with them what they wish.
Anyway, thanks for the comment, as well as all the faves of my other stories!
Damit cause of you I broke my sock of shame
1917448 That, sir, is slightly more information than I needed to know. However, I am glad you enjoyed the story (and by "enjoyed" I mean...well...)! Thanks much for the read, comment, and fave!
A crack pairing, but a fantastically well done one. I enjoyed the prose, the character insights, and the clop was well written as well. Good work.
2053425 Thanks much!
This is rather interesting. While the build-up romance was short, I felt it flowed rather nicely and I got a sense of story before getting to the clop. I'm fine with this as long as there was some kind of character between the two, and this does have good character build-up. The clop felt intimate where it did felt sweet, but I've always hated where the story goes into the porn direction where the female need to drink up every drop of semen and I seem to always find that in nearly every fic with sex (not the blowjob, just that part). It just bothers me because I find it to be too degrading for the female, and I happen to be a guy. And, I have to say, the first paragraph felt a bit to wordy that does not need to be that long, but that the rest was fine, thankfully.
Overall, it definiate deserves a thumbs-up from me because it does hit all the good points, but not enough for a fav. It was a solid good read to help pass the time.
2166269 I agree with every criticism you noted here. As much as I love this story (for they are like my children), there are plenty of things I know I've improved upon. It's still nice to see people revisit my older works, and I am glad you enjoyed the story regardless of the trouble spots. Thanks much for the read and the commentary!