Maud and Captain Kirk Go On A Date

by Admiral Biscuit

The Hard Rock Cafe

Maud and Captain Kirk go on a date.
The Only Chapter
Admiral Biscuit et al.

"Where should we. Eat?"

Maud shrugged.

"I could negotiate the best price on a meal. The . . ." Kirk looked up and down the Ponyville street. He didn't recognize any of the names. "What. is. CFK?"

"Canterlot Fried Cake." Maud sighed. "It is not very good."

"Applebucks?"

Maud colored slightly. "That is a strip club."

"Oh." Kirk tugged at his collar. "I suppose Juicy Peaches is, as well?"

"No, that is a pie company." Maud pointed her hoof up the street. "How about there?"

William Shatner nodded.

Five minutes later

"Welcome to the Hard Rock Cafe. My name is Carli-with-an-i-dotted-with-a-heart and I'll be your waitress tonight." She set two glassses down on the table. "What can I start you off with?"

"The check."

"I'll have a plate of oysters and she'll have a glass of wine. Red wine. Shaken, not stirred."

"May I have a small glass for Boulder?"

"Sure!" The waitress snapped her gum flounced off. Kirk watched her flouncing until Maud cleared her throat.

"So what is it you do, Maud?" Kirk leaned over the table. "I am. Interested in your interests?"

"I am earning my roctorate in rock science. In my free time I write poems about rocks and play hide-and-seek with Boulder. What do you do for a living?"

"I am a. Starship captain."

"Mm-hm. That sounds interesting." Maud slid back and let Carli-with-an-i-dotted-with-a-heart set the glass of wine on her side of the table and the oysters on Kirk's side. "Your oysters look like rocks, but they are not."

She took the second glass that the waitress had given her, poured a few drams of her wine into it, and then set Boulder in the glass. "I am ready to order now, miss. I would like a plain salad."

"I'll have the cheeseburger with bacon and a Coke."

"Mmh." Carli-with-an-i-dotted-with-a-heart. "Don't have Coke products."

"Pepsi?"

"Nope."

"RC?"

"Nope. All we have is Apple-brand Apple-themed beverages."

"She had wine!"

"It is apple flavor." Maud took a sip. "It is good. Boulder likes it."

"Fine." Shatner crossed his arms. "I'll have a Budwiser. That's made by horses, isn't it?"

"Sure is." The waitress finished scribbling down their order, and sashayed off to the kitchen. Kirk watched her until Maud cleared her throat.

"Your shirt is rather frock-like." Maud touched her own frock. "Frocks are very comfortale."

"Oh, yes. Although I'd rather not be wearing it right now, if you know what I mean."

"I was going to have a small frock made for Boulder." She lifted him out of the wineglass and set him on the table. A pool of wine began spreading around him. "He usually prefers to go out au natureal."

"It's more natural. So, would you like to come back to my cabin?"

"We haven't even had dinner yet."

"Oh." Shatner looked around for the waitress but she was nowhere to be found. "I'm running out of small-talk. Usually, I spend more time convincing the woman that I'm a starship captain and less time getting into her pants."

"I am not wearing pants. Just the frock."

"I noticed. Is that a thing here? Would I fit in better if I took off my pants?"

Maud shrugged. "If it makes you happy."

Kirk leaned down under the table. "I could just—"

Maud flicked her ears. "Oh look, dinner is here."

"Alright, guys! American-style Cheeseburger with bacon and cheese. And a plain salad."

"Excuse me, miss, I ordered the plain salad."

"You did?" Carli-with-an-i-dotted-with-a-heart scrunched her nose and squinted down at the notepad she was holding in her mouth. While she did that, Kirk serriptitiously wiped her saliva off the plates. "Oh, guess you did. My bad."

She leaned down, grabbed the plates in her mouth, and switched them. "Enjoy, ya two."

Maud nodded and dug into her salad. Kirk picked up his burger.

"Why is it women always want to eat plant food?"

"Hmm?" Maud looked up at him, a stray leaf of lettuce stuck to her muzzle.

"I am going to enjoy this burger." He took a huge bite, chewed once, dropped the burger, looked down at Maud, and reluctantly swallowed what was in his mouth, with the assistance of his Budwiser.

"What is. THAT?"

"Hayburger."

"Hayburger?"

"Two hay patties, hay sauce, hay lettuce, hay cheese, hay pickles, and hay onions on a sesame seed bun. And hay bacon, since you ordered it that way."

"And this? Is it hay-Budwiser?"

"Apple. . . . Would you like some of my salad?"

"Oh God no." Shatner looked at his burger. "Why does mine have hay lettuce on it, while you get normal lettuce?"

"Marketing." Maud slid her plate over to Boulder. "Would you like some salad?"

"And what were those oysters?"

Maud raised an eyebrow. "Do you really want to know?"

"No." Shatner watched her in silence as she finished her salad. "Excuse me, can we get the check?"

"Of course!" Carli-with-an-i-dotted-with-a-heart strutted over to their table and set the check on the table. Kirk watched as her strutting back to the kitchen until Maud cleared her throat.

He tucked his Federation credit card into the faux-leather holder, and looked lovingly into Maud's eyes. "What would you like to do after dinner? Do you want to come to the park and see my rocket?"

Maud raised an eyebrow.

"It's cloaked right now, but I'd be happy to reveal it to you."

Maud raised her other eyebrow.

"Or we could catch a movie?" He tugged at his collar. "Do you have a movie theatre?"

"Yes. They are showing Ethyl the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying. I have already seen it." She picked Boulder up off the table and put him in her pocket. "I would like to see your ship."

Kirk nodded.

Five minutes later

"There it is."

"It's so big."

Kirk nodded. "Would you like to come inside? See my cabin?"

"Sure."

Shatner clicked his remote, and the boarding ramp lowered in a cloud of steam. "After you."

Once they were inside, Kirh hung a do-not-disturb sign on the boarding ramp and led Maud through the twisting corridors and pointless pneumatic doors until they finally reached his cabin.

He watched lavaciously as she pulled the frock over her head, neatly folded it, and climbed into bed.

Five to eight seconds later.

"That's it?"

Maud nodded and climbed out of bed.

The end.

Author's Note:

Live from Bronycon, another crackship sets sail.

Comments

[EonAon]

Heh it goes to show that Kirk will do any female that takes his eye and has a pulse.

[wlam]

Neither green nor from space nor a babe. Would not woo again.

[arcanelexicon]

"And what were those oysters?"

Maud raised an eyebrow. "Do you really want to know?"

lol..rocky mountain oysters!

and should have gone with a hoors light since a lot of people say that it tastes like horse piss

[AShadowOfCygnus]

6300345

Should have gone with a hoors light since a lot of people say that it tastes like horse piss

Implying Budweiser doesn't?

[Maxes Altho]

There, was. Not enough em. Phasis on, Shatner's. Words. It did not sound, enough. Like Shatner.

[Admiral Biscuit]

6300392
it might have come out better in the video...

[Skeeter The Lurker]

Oh god damn it...

~Skeeter The Lurker

[Maxes Altho]

6300402 then I will be sure to check out the audio reading when I am not at church.
Even writing that comment was difficult. Shatner's speaking style is hard to replicate in the written word.

[Seether00]

Ethyl the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying.

Is it by Dickens with two k's?

No one shall get that reference.

[Firebirdbtops]

Set phasers to confusion.

[Admiral Biscuit]

6300331
Not the first time I've used that joke, either.

[Admiral Biscuit]

6300345
What other kind of oysters would they serve at the Hard Rock cafe?

[Admiral Biscuit]

6300404
I blame the shipping panel.

6300416

Shatner's speaking style is hard to replicate in the written word.

I've done it before. Didn't do it here, because I knew we were reading it first, and I didn't actually think it would be long enough to publish. I might go through and change that tonight. Or I might not.

[Admiral Biscuit]

6300491

Is it by Dickens with two k's?

No, with four ms and a silent q.

[Admiral Biscuit]

6300496
They go together like gasoline and matches.
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lubj8wr50i1qkaf2yo1_500.png

[arcanelexicon]

6300678

Well, there are a lot of oysters out there, each with their own unique shape, their own succulent taste, and in some, you can easily see the pearl, while you have to dig around for others....you know what i mean right *wink* *wink*

cdn.foodbeast.com.s3.amazonaws.com/content/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/oyster.jpg

[wlam]

If this gets enough upvotes, I'll add the sex scene.

Downvoting now.

[silverthorn]

That was definitely something.

[lord_steak]

6300331 Especially if she's not a human skin tone. Good ol' Kirk.

I am amused. Thought it could've used more dramatic pauses in Shatner's lines near the end, but that's the only blemish. Thanks for the laughs.

[Chicago Ted]

8/10 Needs more crack

--IGN

All humor aside, you definitely need an editor. I can serve if you'd like.

[theRedBrony]

Best fic ever.

[CommisarSilver]

I don't understand this story at all.

[Emerald Harp]

6300688

[Uncle Mike]

From the archives of Paramount Studios, circa 1969...

MEMO

FROM: William Shatner

TO: Gene Rodenberry

RE: This week's script

Gene -

Are you Eff'ing KIDDING me??!?!???

- Bill

-----------------------------------------------------------

MEMO

FROM: Gene Rodemberry

TO: William Shatner

RE: This week's script

Bill -

EEEYUP/EEEYNOPE

Trolololol,

- Gene

[Admiral Biscuit]

6301551
6301625
I hadn't initially intended to publish this story--didn't think I'd make the word count. It was meant only as the script for the collaborative audio reading we did (which is linked in the description, and you should check it out: I did Kirk's voice). That's why it wasn't spellchecked, and why the pauses mostly weren't written in.

Once I get back from Bronycon, I may go back and fix those things. Except for the misspelling of Kirk--Cygnus read it as spelled.

[Admiral Biscuit]

6300740
I am picking up what you are putting down.

[Admiral Biscuit]

6300980

Downvoting now.

But it would only be a 5 to 8 second sex scene....

[Admiral Biscuit]

6302004
LOL

6302113
Neither do I.

[Admiral Biscuit]

6302166
Shatner would totally do this. In a heartbeat.

[CassandraMyOCisBestpony]

"Khan." said Maud

[Admiral Biscuit]

6302410
Both my collaborators wanted me to put Shatner saying "Mauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuud!!!!!" in it somewhere, and I completely forgot to do so.

[wlam]

6302347
That is 5 to 8 seconds too much of reading about William Shatner banging a miniature horse.

6302421
Oh, you dick, now I really am downvoting this.

[Uncle Mike]

6302357 Amen, Wouldn't he JUST do that? And if Gene were a Brony, wouldn't he JUST reply like that?

[Brumby_Run]

If this gets enough upvotes, I'll add the sex scene.

The real question is, where was Boulder?

Did Maud end up between a rock and a hard place?

[crossr]

Loved the references of Carli with an I, and Ethyl the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying.

[CassandraMyOCisBestpony]

6302793 he was there; Maud got a small cup and shared her wine with him. Which was a risky thing to do because last time he drank, he caused such a ruckus that they had to leave.

[Brumby_Run]

6303510
I know Boulder was on the date, I was thinking of the activities afterwards...

Was Maud between a rock and a space ace?

If it was after Wrath Of Khan and he was still grieving for Spock, she might have been between a rock and a basket case.

If he liked to improvise puppets with his uniform, she might be between a rock and a sock's face.

I can't recall if Kirk is religious. She might have wound up between a rock and a rendition of Amazing Grace.

I'd better stop now, or I might be hit with a mod's mace...

[Hillbe]

sniff sniff ' He called me a Gorn Twilight a Gorn ! What's a gorn?
How uncouth calling my Spikey Wikey a Gorn
What's a Gorn?
It kicked Capt. Kirks butt till he used gunpowder
Maude's Preggers!
another nonessential crewmember
Those red frocks are tacky
what's a Gorn?
A BIG LIZARD I'm sorry I'll be quiet now

5 seconds? Ha Ha Ha

[Forderz]

You beautiful creature, admiral. You mad, beautiful, creature.

[Admiral Biscuit]

6302793

The real question is, where was Boulder?

He was sitting in Maud's frock. Boulder's seen some terrible things. That's why he drinks.

[Admiral Biscuit]

6303395
Thanks!

[Admiral Biscuit]

6305291
The worst part is some of the other ideas I came up with at Bronycon. We're talking potentially another one-shot-ober worth of ideas. (No, I'm not going to do one-shot-ober again.)

[Forderz]

6305609 holy crap. That was almost a year ago.

What the hell, time?

[Admiral Biscuit]

6305634
I know. Hard to believe.

Speaking of One-Shot-Ober, AShadowOfCygnus just uploaded (Thursday) the last of the One-Shot-Ober fics. I hadn't blogged about it yet, but i'm about to.

[Sunny]

I finally have read this.

It is everything I thought it would be. Take that as you will, Biscuit.

Take that as you will.

[Telaros]

Not enough Kirt being Kirt. But it was nice

[MrAskAPirate]

Half expected there to be a joke about them passing by a couple of whales in a tank on the ship,

[overlord-flinx]

I'll give you that there wasn't any use of the word "Khan" anywhere, so you get a like simply on that.

[MerlosTheMad]

6305634

Time gave us the finger and whizzed right by, heh

[Zyrian]

iamatexan.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/stop-sign.jpg