She Hears You When You're Sleeping, She Knows When You're Awake...
“Care for more tea, your highness?”
“Certainly,” the princess replied, just noticing she’d emptied her own cup. As the castle servant scampered away in his quest for refreshments, Celestia heaved a contented sigh. Having lived for countless centuries, the alicorn had seen and experienced an abundance of different things, so when she said that today was an especially pleasant day, she truly meant it.
Her sun was shining down across the castle gardens, casting a painting’s worth of colors for her to enjoy. It was neither too hot nor too cold; it was in that odd pocket that could only be described as “just right”. Ordinarily, her serene moment would’ve been shattered by some no-good noble making a complaint that she would have to deal with, but her dear sister had offered to give her the day off. Fine by her, just let Luna deal with “I demand that you extinguish the sun so the light doesn’t get in my eyes.”
“Ah…” Celestia sighed, “What a lovely—”
“Oh dear Celestia!”
The princess continued staring out at her color palette of a garden, still wearing her gentle smile. “…What a lovely—”
“Ah! Oh Celestia, I… I… Ah!”
Her eye found itself twitching enough to put her former student to shame, but the princess didn’t notice. “…What a—”
“I-It’s like Celestia herself’s running her tongue through my—”
“What?!” the goddess cried, “I never… uh…”
She trailed off at seeing the horrified look plastered on the server’s face. He stood stock-still, not realizing the tea was streaming out from the pitcher and onto the grass. “Y-y-y-your majesty?” he squeaked.
Celestia sighed. “It is fine. Don’t mind me and my silly outbursts. Maybe I am getting too old for this?”
“Uh?”
Seeing the jab at humor had flown past his head and ended up with the tea on the grass, the goddess just shook her head. “I’ll be going inside now. Feel free to take the rest of the day off.”
“Uh.”
Magicking the half-filled pitcher into her grasp, she stood up and set a pace for her private office. “No more,” she hissed, “Words may never hurt me, but they sure as hay can be annoying.”
Three days later…
“Sister? Are you still in there?”
…
“Are you sure she’s in there?” Twilight asked.
Luna rolled her eyes. Beating her hoof against the chamber door again, she called, “This is not what I had in mind when I offered to give you a break. Why, you would not believe the requests these ponies make!”
…
“I don’t care how many vacation days you’ve built up while I was on the moon. Open the door! We’re not leaving until you do! Even Twilight is here.”
“Fine.” The door creaked open to allow Celestia’s head to poke through. “Get in here!” she whispered.
The two alicorns gasped. “Sister! What have you been doing? You look awful!”
“Awful?! My mane’s just a little tangled!”
“Your eyes are bloodshot.”
“They burn with a righteous fury.”
“…What? Sister, have you slept at all? You sound like me before the Nightmare, and I’m afraid I can’t recommend that.”
Celestia facehoofed. “Just get in.”
With a shrug, Luna entered as the door slammed shut behind her. “Now what…” Her words cut off as she froze in her tracks, her eyes shifting through the room formerly known as Celestia’s office. If there was a spot of free space, it had been taken up by books, chalk boards, diagrams, or some combination of the three.
“Uh, Princess Celestia? Just what have you been up to?! …If you don’t mind me asking, that is,” Twilight said as she stumbled her way to a place to stand.
Teleporting to the epicenter of the disaster area, Celestia threw on a mad grin as she waved her hoof around the room. “Magic!”
“Magic?”
“Magic!”
Luna only stared. “Is that where you get it from, Twilight?”
“Huh?”
“Never mind. Sister, would you care to explain what you’ve been doing the past three days?”
Celestia’s grin drooped as she looked at the mess that she’d built up around her. With a sigh, she said, “I’ve been trying to undo a curse.”
“A curse? Somepony laid a curse on you?”
“Maybe. I honestly don’t know. I’ve just had it as long as I can remember.”
Twilight cocked her head. “Then why haven’t you rid yourself of it earlier? And just what kind of curse are we talking about anyway?”
“For the first question, it is because I’ve always managed to tune it out in the past. As for the second question, it’s… a bit embarrassing. This curse isn’t necessarily harmful, in fact it’s been useful at times, but…”
“Yes?” Luna said, noting the blush flaring up on her sister’s cheeks.
“Whenever somepony calls my name, I can hear them.”
Luna and Twilight shared an equally confused glance. “I’m not following.”
“That’s all,” Celestia said, “Whenever somepony calls my name, I can hear them. I hear their words for a few moments as if they were next to me.”
“I see what you mean,” Twilight said, “That must be downright annoying at times. Such as when you’re trying to have a conversation. How did you manage to deal with that for so long?”
“When you wait one thousand years for your sister, you tend to build up a lot of patience.”
“Ah.”
Celestia shook her head. “But that’s not the problem. You see, there’s a certain… derivative of ponies that never cease to irk me.” She swallowed as she felt both sets of eyes on her. “My subjects tend to use my name in vain when they’re… making love.”
For a few moments there was silence. Then there was a sound akin to a balloon letting out air. Finally there was the eruption of laughter from Luna.
“Let me… get this straight,” she managed in between her cackling, “You hear ponies s-screaming out “Dear Celestia!” when they’re fu—”
“Yes. Yes I do,” she glared, “And I would appreciate you not laughing at this.”
She laughed harder.
As Celestia’s eyes pierced her sister, throwing the might of her “righteous fury,” Twilight cleared her throat, trying to push back her inner disgust. “Um… Princess? Can I ask what you’ve done so far to get rid of this unfortunate curse?”
Celestia stepped aside, allowing her student to glance over the notes scribbled across the chalk boards. “…Huh,” Twilight said, “I don’t see why that wouldn’t work. This is the most powerful cleansing spell ever created.”
“You’re that desperate?!” Luna cried, her mouth exploding into a new fit of laughter.
Her sister, however, didn’t share in her laughter. Lighting her horn with a golden glow, Celestia shot off a spell at her sister as a wry grin ran across her lips. Almost instantly, Luna’s face morphed into shock.
“Princess?” Twilight asked, “What did you just do?”
“Empathy spell. She can now hear what I hear,” she answered, letting out a few chuckles of her own as she took in the blush now staining Luna’s own cheeks.
“You mean you’ve been hearing ponies as we speak?!”
“You’d be surprised by what our subjects are capable of.”
“…Ew…”
Celestia thought for a moment. “I should talk to Cadence about this. Our little Goddess of Love may be working too efficiently—”
“Make it stop!” Luna cried out, “I’m sorry, sister! Just make it stop!”
“Good, Lulu. Glad you see it my way. Or hear it my way.” With a flash of magic, she lifted the spell.
“…Horrible…” Luna whispered, “The things they are into… the fetishes…” She shuddered.
“In any case, would you happen to have any ideas as to getting rid of this curse, Twilight? You’ve always been an impressive problem solver.”
“Thanks. Since a counter-spell doesn’t work, I suggest we try to root it at the source, but that would require…”
“Knowledge of where it came from,” Celestia finished, “And I don’t know where.”
Twilight’s face scrunched up in thought, “Where would such a demeaning, devious, and disgusting curse even come from…?”
In seconds, three sets of eyes shot open.
“Discord.”
“Discord.”
“Definitely Discord.”
“Alright, you’ve caught me red-clawed and red-pawed! I did it!” Discord wailed, throwing his forelimbs into the air, “I cast that curse years ago during your sweet sixteen thousandth, Celly.”
Celestia facehoofed. “I should’ve listened to mother when she said you were no good.”
He smirked. “But you just couldn’t resist my charm.”
“Keep telling yourself that.”
Twilight glanced to Luna. “Were they dating?”
“I’m afraid I’m forbidden by law to reveal that information. She classified it eons ago.”
“Now then,” Celestia said, “I demand that you finally lift this curse.”
Discord shook his head. “No can do, Celly. You think I actually remember how I cast it?”
“What? Surely you can snap your fingers and remove it!”
“Except this is one of my curses. Who knows what tampering with it would do?”
Celestia gawked. “Can’t you do something?”
He lifted his tail-hand to his chin as he thought for a moment. “…Well…”
“Yes?”
“I could transfer it to somepony else. Leave it intact and simply move it. You’d just need to find a willing victim—er, subject. I’d say unwilling, but you’ve always been a goody four-shoes.”
Celestia’s eyes narrowed. “How about you?”
“Me?”
“Yes, you. Why, I doubt there’s a single pony who would use your name in vain.”
“Hm. Considering that you just said no one likes me…”
Once again, Celestia found herself facehoofing. After a taking in a deep breath, she threw on a warm smile. “Please, Discord? For me?” she cooed, batting her eyelashes.
“Er… Oh, fine!” he said, “But only because I happen to like little pony princesses.” With a snap of his fingers, he said, “Done.”
Celestia waited for a moment, ears perked, before bursting into a wide grin. “Thank you!”
“Don’t mention it. No, seriously. Don’t.”
“Can you hear anything?” Twilight asked.
“Other than a few alicorns, nothing.”
“Splendid. Now, can we leave?” Luna asked, “I want to forget this whole ordeal ever happened.”
Celestia nodded. “Very well. We have a kingdom to get back to anyway. Thanks again, Discord.”
“I said don’t mention it!”
One week later…
Twilight gasped as a certain spirit of chaos came barreling through her window.
“Twilight!” Discord shrieked, “This curse is the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. I’d rather be a garden statue!”
“What?!”
He pulled her close, staring daggers into her eyes. “You’ve got to help me.”
Twilight gulped. “Wha… What’s the problem?”
“What’s the problem?! My whole chaotic life is slowly being ruined! That’s the problem!”
“Okay, okay, back up. As scared as I am to hear it, tell me what’s going on.”
“It’s the same problem Celly had.”
“…There’s ponies that are actually using your name like that?”
He shook his head. “Just one. Three PM. Every day.”
“Uh. And just how am I supposed to help?”
“Because you're friends with her.”
Twilight made something akin to a squeak.
“Here, I wrote a letter describing in detail what I will not do to her,” he said, conjuring up a scroll, “Her name’s on the top. Please give it to her.” With that, he vanished in a shower of pink and yellow sparkles.
Twilight sighed. “Well, this isn’t how I expected the day to go.” She magicked the scroll open but rolled it back up immediately as she caught sight of just one ‘what he will not do to her.’
“Oh dear Celestia!” she cried.
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But which friend is it? find out next time same great website, same great channel.
It's SPIKE!!!
Hmm... The obvious choice is Fluttershy, especially given those sparkles. Pinkie Pie is also probable. But 3 PM every day? No, both are probably working. It would have to be somepony who makes her own schedule, or who can do her job so quickly that she always has time for an afternoon nap.
Dash, you minx.
5833062
Rarity might take a late lunch. . .
And Shy might actually have a more flexible schedule after noon...
Trying to predict Pinkie Pie seems futile, but that just as quickly sinks that possibility.
AJ has a regimented schedule, most likely, but she has some leeway on the specifics, as long as the work gets done. 3 P.M. is not beyond the pale.
And yeah, Dash...
5833022
5833062
Wait.
Wait.
Celestia is getting revenge...
nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
hooow can you do that to uuus hahaha i need to knooooow hahhaa
Hahahahhahaha. Phew, fun.
5833022
5833062
5834153
img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120215173555/jakehastomuchtimeonhishands/images/5/51/Hugh_Jelly.png
Obviously.
Must be some pretty kinky stuff, if it makes Discord uncomfortable. I think it must be Fluttershy. The quiet ones are always the freaks
"Because your friends with her.”
*you're
This was entertaining though
5833022 While I get that's a joke, he did say her.
5835790
Who says Discord has any real understanding of gender anyway?
WHAT IS IT!? WHO IS IT!? WHAT IS IT!? WHY!?
Do you think you could write a sequel to explain? It's an interesting story so far.
They really weren't thinking. Unless the curse requires the recipient to be sentient, they could have transferred it to anything. A random passing mayfly. Tank the tortoise. Tom the boulder. Anything.
Heck, even if it does require the recipient to be sentient... only their moral scruples prevent them from sticking somebody else with it. But, why not stick it to, oh, Tirek?
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw11195-614526__solo_princesscelestia_suggestive_bedroomeyes_artist-colon-furseiseki_thatismyfetish.png
5836772
Perhaps an old pony near death?
I've always wondered if she could hear it all,..
5834165
Yup.
1: Who knows about the curse?
2: Who might actually be willing to use Discord's frequently?
3: Who has at least a thousand years knowing everything everypony might have ever considered using Celestia's name as an invective for?
I saw the description and I was skeered. But I read it and lol'd. Yay!
They should have just given the curse to Cadence. She'd probably enjoy it, given the whole "alicorn of love" thing.
The real question now though... what was on that paper? What could possibly be so horrible that Discord can't take it? And who could possibly come up with that stuff? My lot goes in with necrophilia and Fluttershy, respectively. Whatever you do, do not google that first thing if you value your sanity. DO NOT.
Pink and yellow sparkles, hm?
Oh dear, somepony has been a very naughty pegasus indeed...
mmm very nice
I enjoyed it !
Don't tell me its fluttershy
5838540
Pink and yellow sparkles? Who else could it be?
Haha oh god I though its copy of other fic with completely same start, but ended that Luna has same thing and Twilight trolled her with mooncrashing consequences.
Its Rarity for sure!
Ok, that was a good chuckle.
Nice work.
~Skeeter The Lurker
5838540
Pinkie? She'd be aware he could listen in on to her.. sessions.
I will straight up blow you for a sequel
Okay, this wasn't only funny, this was hilarious
I think i know where this is going
(guessing from the chapter title, celestia's problem is with mares and stalion calling out her name whenever they...)
*edit*
Called it! Hahaaha oh my this is so hilarious
I have a hunch who's calling discord in a wat most 'special' fluttershy
Rather not what I thought this story would be about. I could swear that there is another one with the exact same concept and basic plot, though.
When in doubt, accept no substitutes.
31.media.tumblr.com/e18ad186b0f4732cdc3e179f98380604/tumblr_inline_ncopa6XvYs1rqpvhi.gif
Also, congrats on making featured page!
Pretty humorous story with a silly cliff hanger at the end leaving us guessing. Gave me a good laugh. Though I wonder why she suddenly couldn't take it anymore. I guess everyone has their breaking point.
5839883
Thinking of this one?
5840133 That gif makes me laugh every time i see it
5840290
31.media.tumblr.com/5ebc39ca989679020426d5e1031acc11/tumblr_inline_n78yxjEGkm1qf78bc.gif
5840294 ... Now that's just ugly.
5840300 :^)
31.media.tumblr.com/7f143a9060e4a7a668de4be2ba33bad7/tumblr_inline_n7jrf0W6Xr1qhpy4z.gif
5840304 What the literal fuck?
5840309 That's what it feels like when your realize you overslept.
5840275
Ah yes, that would be the one. A bit older than I remembered.
sequal
Chapter Title made me think of Molestia.
I don't usually say this, but I'll make an exception.
Please write a sequel!
5837744 If the coffin's rockin', don't come knockin'?
I liked it, I've seen a lot of jokes about Tia getting upset over her name being abused like that, 'specially the ones that say she's not a god/goddess, and this one was good for a chuckle
5834165 That's absolutely disgusting.... I would not put it past her considering what we know of her. Though the fact he says it's one of Twi's friends hurts that theory.
With that being my idea of a clue, I'm going to say
What a interesting idea. Thanks for writing it!
5842202
Twilight may consider Celestia a friend as well as a teacher.