A Couple of Tossers
A Couple of Tossers
by Present Perfect
One! Two! Twilight marvelled as Pinkie lifted Rarity and Fluttershy, tossing them into Sugarcube Corner.
Yes, it was reckless and Twilight should be concerned. Yet Pinkie's form entranced her. There was an effortless strength to the way she chucked her friends. They curved through the air in perfect arcs before landing on their hooves inside. Twilight had only seen pony-throwing grace equalling Pinkie's once before in her life, on a balcony in the Crystal Empire.
Throughout the conversation about rock candy friendship necklaces, her mind was occupied by one idea.
"And that's why me and you are having a pony toss-off!"
"I'm still not sure." Shining Armor scratched his neck, frowning, and looked from Pinkie to Twilight. "And maybe you should rephrase that..."
Twilight smiled at him, placing a hoof on his shoulder. "Come on, BBBFF. You two can have fun while I get some research done! Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Cadence have all agreed to participate, and they'll all be wearing safety gear."
Shining's frown grew deeper. "I don't know if I'm okay with somepony else throwing my wife..."
"It's fine, Shiny," Cadence cooed, nuzzling him. More quietly, she added, "You know how Twilight gets when she's on a research bender."
Sweating, Shining nodded. "Okay. Let's do this."
"Great!" Twilight clopped her hooves together. "Here's how the event will proceed!"
She paced along the width of the expanse of grass they'd chosen as a playing field. Beyond her, white lines had been painted every ten lengths to assist with measurement. There were twenty marks in all, and Twilight had picked a field that sloped upward at the end, the final two marks rising higher than the rest. It was unlikely anypony would be tossed that far, after all, but just in case, it would make the landing smoother, even if her data would be skewed slightly. Not that she hadn't compensated for that.
"It'll be three rounds with three bouts each. Throwers may not use magic, and throwees may not use wings. In case of emergency, I will personally teleport the thrown pony back to the safety zone."
She indicated a cardboard box nearby. It had been cut into the rough shape of a castle, with "Safety Zone" written on its side. Construction paper pennants waved softly in the breeze overhead. Fluttershy sat inside, waving a matching pennant.
"Hooray, safety," she cheered.
"Points will be awarded for style as well as distance." Twilight indicated a small table covered in a cloth that was entirely too well-decorated for an outdoor setting. "Rarity will be the style judge."
"You can count on me to perform my duties with the keenest eye!" Rarity said, flipping her mane.
Twilight grinned. "Are the competitors clear on the rules?"
Shining and Pinkie nodded, Pinkie for longer than necessary.
"Then let the throwing begin!" Twilight flared her wings, then dropped them.
"Good luck, charmer!" Cadence said, giving Shining a peck on the cheek.
"Ooh, ooh!" Pinkie bounced in between them. "Can I have a kiss? Can I, can I? It'll keep things faaaaaiiiiir!"
Cadence laughed, and before Shining could react, she planted a kiss on top of Pinkie's head.
"Good luck to you, Pinkie Pie."
"Whee!" Pinkie spread her hooves and fell over backward.
Twilight laughed and shook her head. "The first event is the underhoof throw with Applejack!"
Applejack stepped forward, grinning. Her smile vanished as she looked between the two contestants. "Uhh, which one o' y'all's goin' first?"
Shining bowed, gesturing to Pinkie. "The lady always goes first."
"Ooooooooohh!" Pinkie sprang to her hooves, eyes huge. She bounced onto the table, rumpling Rarity's carefully-laid tablecloth and getting right up in Rarity's personal space.
"Quick, Rarity, you have to make me a dress!" Her voice became a harsh whisper. "I'm a lady now 'cuz Shining Armor said it and he's a prince and they know everything about ladies!"
Rarity sighed dramatically. "Pinkie, would you please start the event already?"
Pinkie's whole body went still. Her eyes got big. "Oh. Right!" And just like that, she was off bouncing toward Applejack, who, for all her bicycle helmet and extra padding, suddenly had a bad feeling about this.
The first event went off without a hitch. Pinkie won by one and a half lengths and a nod from the style judge. Twilight was surprised by Shining's lack of prowess at underhoof throwing, but he vowed to make up lost points in the overhoof throw with Rainbow Dash. He also avoided a black eye by only the narrowest margin after insinuating that Applejack's weight might be the source of his issues.
With the second heat ready to get underway, Rainbow Dash stretched her wings, scratching at the helmet strap secured beneath her chin. Cadence tightened it with her magic.
"Gee, thanks, mom," Dash groaned. "Twilight, why can't I use my wings? Just judge 'em on style or whatever and let me fly!"
Twilight shook her head. "No can do, Dash. Distance is important to my research, and you can't play favorites." She punctuated the pronouncement by using her magic to bind Rainbow's wings, earning a stormy scowl.
As runner-up, Shining Armor took the first throw. This was what Twilight had wanted to see! Such grace, such perfect form! Dash sailed like a dart, and Shining far outstripped his performance from last round. Pinkie proved that she was equally as good at both types of pony-throwing, but neither in style nor in distance could she match Twilight's brother, and Shining won by a handy four-point-three lengths.
"Truly marvelous throwing, if I do say so myself," Rarity said. "I never thought feats of athleticism could be this enjoyable to appraise!"
"You might if you paid more attention to my flying," Rainbow groused as she hobbled off the playing field.
"We're two heats down, but it's still anypony's game," Twilight said. "Last is the freestyle round! Contestants can use whatever throwing technique they wish, and style points are weighted extra!"
Princess Cadence stepped up to Pinkie, who hesitated a moment.
"Just to be clear," she said, biting her lip, "you're not gonna banish me from the Crystal Empire or anything if I mess up, are you?"
"No," Cadence said, laughing. "And I promise I won't give Shiny an unfair advantage, either."
With a shrug, Pinkie lifted the Princess, groaning slightly. At Cadence's frown, Pinkie quickly said, "Oh, it's okay, I know alicorns are just a tiny bit bigger than regular ponies. I pick Twilight up all the time!"
"Wait, what, no you d--" Twilight was cut off as Pinkie made her throw, a double underhoof, launching Cadence out to nearly the six-length marker.
"That's the best underhoof yet!" The excitement was cutting through Twilight's science demeanor. "Good job, Pinkie!"
"Yes," said Rarity, "I rather appreciated the top-spin, and I'm impressed you lost no distance for using it!"
Pinkie cheered for herself.
Shining stepped up next and, not one to spit in the eye of a good thing, made his throw overhoofed. Cadence sailed out to the eight-length mark, landing gracefully on her hooves.
Applejack scoffed. "And he was complainin' about my weight."
"Are you sure you haven't been practicing?" Pinkie asked, eyes narrowed.
Sweating, Shining answered, "Uh, well, it's not like we haven't done this before..."
"Time to kick it up a notch!" Pinkie shouted.
Her next throw involved a somersault, impressing the judge. Shining Armor responded with with a behind-the-back throw. Pinkie's final toss was a hammer-throw. Each time, Cadence flew farther and farther, and by Pinkie's last throw had to be teleported back from the eighteen-length mark lest the contest run on too long.
As Shining stepped up to make his final throw, everypony in the clearing was quiet.
"Get ready, Cadie," he murmured, and she nodded. He grabbed her rear hooves and started spinning. Faster, faster he whirled, lifting her into the air. When her cheeks began to flap away from her face, he at last released.
She shot like a rocket, up over the trees, flying farther than any of them had imagined a pony could be thrown. Twilight gaped, then grinned at him.
"Well, Shiny, I think you just won this!"
"Don't be so sure, Twilight," Rarity said, pointing to the distance, where a pink twinkle disappeared over the mountains. "Is there any contingency for a pony tossed outside the field of play?"
Twilight turned back to see Cadence's contrail vanish over the horizon with a twinkle. The others stood, clamoring as she hyperventilated. Pinkie jumped onto Shining Armor's back and squealed.
"Ooh, do me next! Do me!"
"It's okay," Twilight told herself. "Cadence can break the enchantment binding her wings and teleport back. There's no need to pan--"
There was a distant boom, followed by a tremendous feminine screech.
"...ic?" Twilight's pupils shrank to pinpoints.
Shining Armor facehoofed.
"Cadence is gonna kill me."
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Just a little thing:
Who is noticing, precisely?
Now I remember why I voted for this one to be finished, just the name wasn't ringing any bells.
5783272 Damn, you beat me to it.
I think I just exploded from adorableness, 'cause my spleen sure isn't intact anymore
I like how Cadence is kind of like a mom to the mane six, and I laughed way too hard at the thought of ponies being tossed willingly
Obligatory,
derpicdn.net/img/2012/11/17/154564/full.gif
You know, there is one (scientific) explanation for Pinkie being able to throw Rarity and Fluttershy easily. She is an Earth pony, and has strength greater than the other races. Fluttershy is the lightest, being a Pegasus, and Unicorns don't weigh as much either, given their propensity for magic comes at a cost of density. And Pinkie was probably fueled by adrenaline from the letter from Maud, further increasing her strength.
Shining throwing his wife, on the other hoof, comes from his years in the RG building his strength in all areas. Cadence is the thinnest of the alicorns at the time (I'm looking at you, cake-hogging Sunbutt), and therefore the easiest to toss. Also, popular theory has her as a Pegasus before ascension, meaning even with the combined might of the three races, her bones are probably still lighter than Sun- or Moonbutt's.
5783432 I'm not sorry I woke up my house laughing at that.
Nnnng yes
Well, this certainly was something. Got me grinnin', that much I can say with absolute certainty, heh.
That was everything I was hoping it would be.
5783483
There, fixed that for you
5783333
5783272
Good catch (lol), thank you! :)
5783420
Believe it or not, I thought to add that part in right before I published this! :B
Shining still hasn't forgiven the Equestria Games Commission for not adding the wife toss. I'm sure he enjoyed this... up until the end, at least.
Glad to see this story on Fimfiction. "Hooray, safety" still makes me laugh.
5784036 canon is a popular theory
5784852
It's magic. PP doesn't have to explain crap to you.
... Sorry, couldn't resist.
5784852
Gosh, sorry. :/ I still have 2012 writeoff fics I haven't published, too.
I love this. Shining Armor is so dead (but he has proved that his pony-throwing skills are without match. How big is the circumstance bonus for throwing a spouse?).
Also, I believe this story is relevant.
I still have yet to find a story about Twilight getting Shining Armor to throw her to practice flying, but I'm certain I'll find one someday.
5785193
Martial Bliss is amazing. :D And who knows...
I c... I can't breathe!
Dat ending...
Cadence's so light that she might as well be a sentient javelin.
Can I ask what exploded at the end?
this should be part of the equestria games.
5784871
Given that the story is about Pinkie Pie (at least in part; her weird abilities prompted this) it took me a minute to realize PP actually stood for somepony else! xD So silly
5785514
Whatever you want. :D (I dunno, distant explosions are funny. She probably broke the sound barrier or something.)
5786723
Yeah, I don't work fast. :B
<3
I wrote a review of this story; it can be found here.
5791896
We gotta find you a story of mine you'll actually like. :B
5792813
The Cake of Apontyllado?
Dirty Prancing?
Button Goulash?
That's just from the last 10 or so.
I'm pretty enthusiastic about Faun, Whisk got an upvote, and Dance 'Til We're High is on my HR shelf even if it isn't perfect because I LIKE IT OKAY?
5792821
Oh, okay. A run of NRs does not reflect on my writing overall, just your choosing of stories to read. V:
5792847
You write a lot of stuff which, I suspect, is not really targeted at me.
I just end up reading and reviewing everything that is written by people I like out of some misguided sense of personal obligation.
5792850
You and me both! :D
#rude
marks?
Also, did the EQD word minimum go down? Last I saw it was 2500 for one-shots. Or 2000. Something higher than 1600.
Spike waddled off after the competition
Shinning can sleep in my room tonight, I wouldn't want to be in your hooves.
Spikey you're such a gentledrake
Where will you sleep?
Raritys
'
5956734 News flash, idiot: this is a pony-themed story with no room for shipping or scaly purple crap.
5784036
The comics are not show-canon. Show-canon is main canon. Comics have their own continuity and thus their own canonical avenue. The idea of comics being main-canon was entirely due to people wishing their comic-derived headcanon was real. Wishful thinking.
5957203
I'll agree that Hilbe is an idiot, but you just called Spike purple scaly crap. Weren't you one of the ones who got on my ass about not liking Spike? You're the only person I've seen with a Ninja-Spike avatar.
5957638
Uh, actually, it's not the comics. It's the paperback novella Twilight Sparkle and the Crystal Heart Spell.
Don't put words in my mouth. I stated a fact. You may choose to ignore secondary canon if you wish. I choose not to, personally.
5956578
Whoop, thanks. :B And yeah, it's still 2500, but good stories can get through if they're lower sometimes.
5957203
Hey, be nice. :(
5957638
You be nice too. >:(
Remember, boys and girls: Cadance was born a Pegasus...
Anyway, great story!
5957664
Hm? Could have sworn... either way, please do curb the attitude. If you want to ignore main-canon that's entirely up to you to do in a fandom. You sounded like one of the ones who didn't get there was a difference, so I stepped in to clarify for you. Apparently you aren't one of them, so kudos to you and carry on!
5957746
I was being nice. D: Hilbe's a filthy Sparity shipper. Everyone knows that Rarity's only ship is Applejack.
(I kid. ... Except about the Rarijack thing, that's totes legit.)
One downvote?
i.imgur.com/RCPX0um.gif
5957974 Fixed. Now it has two.
5957876 Sadly it's a (cannon) battle ship Spikes hearts and Diamond eyes fluttering beat a straight flush.....
pre04.deviantart.net/865b/th/pre/i/2015/107/8/0/the_next_gala_by_hillbe-d8q1zh7.jpg
5958495
Spike's a little kid. Infant for his species. Rarity's a young, but grown woman. :| Your ship is friendshipping only. To the Friendship Zone! Hook up with like... Scootaloo!
This here's Rarijack town. :|
5957746
Isn't that the whole point of EQD: to showcase good stories? If you're gonna make exceptions for "good" stories, might as well just lower the limit, yeah?
5958570 Sadly ,Secret of my success, Green isn't your color, Inspiration Manifestation, Castle Sweet castle. Beat your ship by one plushy.
You have zero stories? Wutsup with that????
All you have is friendship........
even after Simple Ways and Trade Ya.....you only have an
odd Couple
5958604
Sleeping with a plush isn't shipping material, everyone knows Spike wants her. She reciprocates for AJ though~
Come now, AJ. You really shouldn't get offended by weight jokes when your body is, like, 90% muscle.
Or is it dark matter? I always get those confused.
5958604
5958611
I hate Sparity.
It also has nothing to do with this story. Please take this elsewhere.
Well that was certainly something. A good something. Quite the something. Loved this something.