Now has a sequel, One Year Later
After a vigorous day of organising and sending reports to Celestia, Twilight notices Spike is feeling a little ill. He slowly grows more and more cold, before finally falling into a coma that Twilight fears is her own fault.
Going to the Princesses for help, Twilight eventually is brought before an Elder Dragon and comes to the realisation that she may have failed as a caretaker, a friend and as an older sister.
~~~*EDIT* Okay, okay. You guys win - I'll write an additional chapter or two. I've marked this story 'Incomplete' for now. Follow up chapter has been done. If you want more, let me know. I'm sure there are a few other characters I could write a chapter on (Except for the dragons, of course)
*DOUBLE EDIT* Okay, wow. I seriously didn't expect this to take off as well as it has. This is honestly probably one of the best days of my life. I'm so glad and happy that you've all enjoyed the story.
lots of promise
Sweet Luna do I like this!
There is quite a bit of promise here, and the story has certainly been set up well. I like the sudden movement from "everything is going to be fine." To Twilight being on the edge of hysterics—it highlights how Twilight suddenly realized that it wasn't just a cold. Just one more step for errors should do it: I notices a "tor Celestial" when you meant "for Celestia" and an extra space in the section about extra clothes from Rarity. In all, I definitely look forward to seeing what you do with the piece.
You had better continue this story! Come on, you can't leave me hanging like this! But seriously, great story. I do hope you continue it.
more!!!!! ;.;
this is REALLY good..
and yeah...using a baby to teleport things while you can teleport yourself seems rather....petty...
although...spikes messages teleport to the princess wherever she is...while twilight needs to visualize where to go...
God... GOD!!!! So so so.... no words
5660063
Plus how far she can go is (or was) limited. Teleporting throughout a building, or even across Ponyville she can do(and even then, in the beginning of the series she could only just teleport herself and Spike short distances, and that was shown to be a bit draining on her), but I don't think we've actually seen her teleport herself for anything all the way to Canterlot from Ponyville. That's a fair distance.
I would love to see the sequel. Great story.
5660273
perhaps she could use that as evidence?
5660063
5660273
5660528
When it comes to magical teleportation, the amount of mana used is exponentially related to the mass of the teleportation target (In my headcanon, at least).
One pony = 20% of mana reserves.
Two ponies = 40% of mana reserves.
Three ponies = 80% of mana reserves
Four ponies = 160% of mana reserves
And so on. I hope you get the picture.
The idea is that Twilight is the element of Magic. Teleporting a scrap of paper to a fixed location (Celestia's bedroom, for eg.) would be trivial for her.
Thanks for the comments, anyways. I hope you enjoy the story!
Twilight actually stopped sending Friendship reports via Spike after becoming an alicorn. Switching to writing friendship lessons down in a journal.
Not sure if the same holds true for other kinds of messages though. Haven't been keeping up much. So feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.
Please for the love of all that is holy, make a sequal!
This was really, really good. I especially like how you wrote Mal'Gorath. He seemed both wise and furious, magnificent and terrifying. Perhaps a bit cruel, but maybe that's what Twilight needs.
I just really need to know what happens next!
Ooh, I like the title you came up with!
I seriously look forward to more. Hope to see it soon.
5658572
5658617
5659726
5659889
5659947
5660243
5660388
5661171
Thank you all for the kind comments. And trust me, a sequel is definitely in the works - it's just a matter of properly brainstorming and formulating the story arc.
5661026
I tried to write him as old and bitter. If you properly knew the history he and Luna had...I think you'd understand why.
But thanks for your kind comments. As mentioned above, a sequel is in the works - (Two, actually. One that shows what happens one year later, and another that will elaborate on Mal'Gorath's past and the year he spends with Spike)
5661556
I seriously lol'd at that.
Thanks for a good laugh
5661138
Well, I had a very hard time coming up with it. I owe Cormac McCloppy for the help with that.
5661985 Oh, he definitely came across as old and bitter. The dialogue for him was perfect. I couldn't help but hear him in a Smaug voice.
Wonderful. There is little I could add that others did not yet do, asides from saying that perhaps Twilight thought that Spike needed to feel useful, so she did not ever dare to consider replacing him with a fax machine spell?
5662207 That's what I was thinking too.
Oh my gosh I seriously hope this isn't the end!!!
I can't wait if there's another chapter coming out!!! X3 Please huwwy, I want to see if Spikey lives or not
5661023
Well, Spike had been doing it for a long while before then, he was even seen doing it when the series first started; he didn't really get a chance for the fire to rekindle, and then he used a lot in those few days in this story.
That's my theory, anyhow.
Holy geeze I kind of feel bad for Twi but I know where BD (big dragon I'm too lazy to type his name) is coming from sort of. Either way though fantastic story and I'm really looking forward to that sequel. When it comes out I'm going to PARTY REAL HARD because I can.
Very good!
Huh. Great job.
*I remind
5661985
Oh no, no, no, no, non, nein, no, no, no... no.
No, my friend. No sequel. You haven't finished this story yet. You have the beginning, and the first blush of a middle, but this story lacks a resolution. This is essentially a betrayal of your readers to leave it like this. I strongly, strongly, strongly encourage you to give this work an ending... for better or for worse. You could do an entire chapter on Twilight's year without Spike alone, even without getting back to the elder. How she copes without knowing if Spike was ever revived, how her friends deal with the news that the last time she saw Spike he was essentially dead... and, my God, how Twilight spends a year dealing with how she feels she let Spike down.
It's a gold mine, and you can't count on people reading a sequel if the story itself left them "gun shy" of your works. Please consider my advice—don't pull tricks on your readers like this. You only get one chance to earn people's trust.
And it turns out the only way to save Spike is to let the Elder Dragon eat Princess Celestia.
Cuz Luna fans hate her and would cheer it, if the majority of fanfics are any indication.
Anyway, Spike is healed by magic. Because... it's magic. Duh.
And this is VERY alt-universe. The dragons of the show don't give a crap about each other. And Luna didn't go on a killing spree of any kind as NMM. Heck, she barely lasted 5 minutes before Celestia sealed her in the moom.
5663166 most likely using the royal "we". somebody else would have to explain it, too lazy to. my memory might be off but I'm pretty sure Luna talks like that in the show as well.
Why do I have a feeling that you're gonna make us wait a while for the sequel?
Oh that's right, the elder dragon said wait a year without knowing if Spike is alive or not.
You have my attention now.........do NOT fail me.
5663991 *speaks in yoda's voice to the author* my attention you do have, fail me you will not.
This story ended on an extremely sinister note....
The story seems to imply that Twilight was somehow malnourishing Spike, but Isn't Spike seen eating bucketloads of gems and jewels throughout the show?
The dragon berates Twilight for not looking into Spike's abilities and anatomy, yet Twilight says:
Which implies she had looked into the matter, or at the very least trusted Celestia to fill her in. Speaking of which, if using dragonflame to send scrolls was somehow insulting, demeaning, trivial, or even dangerous, then wouldn't this all be Celestia's fault? She's the only pony his dragonflame sends messages to, and she's been using him as a fax machine since day one. IIRC, nobody else on the show has been seen to send messages to Spike or receive messages from him, save for Celestia.
If there's headcanon behind much of this, great, but I don't see a lot of it in the story itself. That leaves us having to take your word that everything's accounted for. All well and good, but it leaves me waiting on some explication, even if it's a good old all-at-once "As you know..." monologue infodump.
Should this be "and yet it never occurred to you"?
This actually very interesting. Goes to show that you should never take what you have for granted.
That dragon, kinda fitting actually. The world needs some stern, if harsh creatures. Things like ponies would otherwise take their altruism and kindness for granted.
5663181
This man speaks the truth.
Instead of a sequel, I would recommend just writing one or two more chapters to wrap up the story. It's incomplete as it is, and there is no resolution. The sequel that you are planning is just the resolution of this story, so rather than dragging it out to another piece, which might lose you some readers, just leave it as its own piece.
5664574 wow mate this story was quiet Good.
I hope chapter 3 is up soon
I NEED MOAR!!!!!
You have something very good here.
And...I think I'm going to agree with the other folks commenting. Simply writing one or two more chapters as a resolution to all of this will be good enough. An entire sequel I don't think is needed.
5664353
I have to agree. While there are plenty of legitimate instances you can point to of Twilight taking advantage of Spike, these just seemed incredibly dubious and as a result the story came off as more than a little forced towards the end.
All in all, still a very good read, but I personally feel it was let down by parts of the second half. I feel like this needs another chapter, where Celestia and/or Luna explain to a grief-stricken Twilight how she wasn't culpable, regardless of what Al’Mal’Gorath says. After all, he barely has any of the facts.
Very intriguing so far!
I am definitely interested in reading what other wondrous parts you will bring forth.
A sequel would be equally fascinating, especially if you explored dragons more.
Cheers
GM
FINISH IT!!!
5663181 As the Ravencorn said this story needs an actual ending before we get part two.
Sloppy, but fun. Thumbs up.
So...this is how Godzilla in Equestria begins...
5663432 nope, she doesn't
5664353
Indeed, this is a very good point - Spike might be starved for attention from time to time when Twilight glues her snout to a book and tunes out the rest of the world (and she's been steadily getting better even on that front as time goes on), but physically he has never been left wanting for anything, least of all food of either variety (he pretty much has a free run of twilight's kitchen.
So the implication that malnutrition was the problem when Spike has been shown to, as you say, eats gems by the bucketload when the mood strikes him (and thus if he suddenly started feeling more hungry for gems, which would be the natural biological response his body generates in case of such a problem, obtaining a few piles more shouldn't be an issue) indeed comes across as weird.
5664353
5664783
5665066
The fact that Spike is munching on gems all the time is actually one of the pieces of evidence I present to support the fact that Twilight was overworking Spike's furnace.
In this case, she just went a little too far and completely extinguished it (by accident, of course)
5665075
Eh, didn't Twilight normally send a friendship report once in two weeks? (And even less often than that after Lesson Zero where she was abolished of schedule) - doesn't sound like general overworking at all.
Yeah, this case was different with him having to send lots of stuff, but then why didnt he simply get hungry and eat even more gems to fuel his furnace? He should have been feeling hungry for them, much like you feel hungry for food after a hard day of work, as the body's natural way of telling you it wants more 'fuel'.