• Published 17th Feb 2015
  • 2,286 Views, 62 Comments

Stretchy Coconut - Majin Syeekoh



Twilight's coconut is stretchy.

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It Stretches

Twilight Sparkle licked her lips as she stared at the refrigerator. Today, she was going to make her first mixed drink—a Piña Colada, which her research suggested consisted of white rum, pineapple, and coconut milk. Yesterday she had purchased said items at the market and today she was going to mix them. Smiling, she opened the fridge where her bounty lay. She pulled out the ingredients and set them on the counter.

She figured the most difficult part of the process would be draining the coconut juice out of the coconut, so to that effect she grabbed her handy-dandy coconut-piercing screwdriver. She grasped the coconut and the screwdriver in her magic and prodded each of the eyes in turn, grinning when she found the soft eye. Twilight then thrust the screwdriver into the soft eye.

The soft eye did not puncture.

Instead, it appeared to stretch around the point of the screwdriver. Twilight raised an eyebrow at this.

Coconuts don’t stretch. Yet this coconut appears to have stretched.

Curious, Twilight set the screwdriver down and picked up the coconut in her magic. She attempted to pry it open, when to her surprise the entire thing stretched this way and that.

Twilight hummed. “This coconut appears to be stretchy.”

“Well, isn’t that a surprise?”

Twilight shrieked and swiveled around to see Discord peering over her shoulder. “Discord, you scared the daylights out of me!”

Discord nodded. “You appear to have a problem.”

“Yeah, my coconut is stretchy and I think I know who’s to blame,” Twilight said as she leveled a glare at Discord.

“You mean the rapscallion who sold you that defective coconut? I’d take that back for a refund if I were you,” Discord said as he cocked his head to the side.

“No,” Twilight said with a groan.

Discord lifted his head up and tapped his chin. “Maybe it’s all those pesticides they’ve been spraying on them recently. I know I don’t trust anything I can’t pronounce. Although that rule may not apply to you, what with you being so smart and all,” he said as he flashed a grin.

Twilight crossed her forelegs. “I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the pesticides. All of our produce is treated with insect-repelling and antibiotic agents and none of that is stretchy.”

Discord nodded slowly. “Maybe it’s the coconut manufacturers, then?”

Twilight ground her teeth. “Coconut manufactu—there’s no such thing as a coconut manufacturer!

Discord lowered his head in order to stare Twilight in the eyes. “And how would you know that?”

Because they grow on trees!

Discord hummed. “Well then, what do you think made these coconuts in particular stretchy?”

“Really, Discord?”

“Yes, really,” Discord asked as a wicked grin sliced across his face.

Twilight glared at Discord. “I think it was you.”

Discord snapped his posture straight and held a paw to his chest. “You think it was moi?

Twilight nodded as she kept her gaze fixed on Discord.

Discord crossed his arms and looked away. “Why is it that every time something violates the laws of physics, you blame it on me?”

“Because you’re the only being I associate with that can break said laws of reality.”

Discord snapped his body to face Twilight. “Celestia, Twilight, it’s almost as if you think I exist only to make your life miserable,” he said as a single tear dripped from his eye. “Does our friendship mean nothing to you?”

Twilight frowned. “Discord, I—”

“No, no, you’ve said quite enough, Twilight,” Discord said with his frowny-face on as he snapped a talon and summoned a suitcase. “I see how it is. You just don’t want me around any more.”

Twilight pursed her lips. “Discord, I’m sorry.”

“Ah, such hollow words coming from a former friend! But alas, they fall on deaf ears,” Discord said as he gripped the bag in his paw and moved to snap his talons.

“Discord, wait!”

Discord turned his head around. Not his body, mind you, his body stayed in the same position. It was just his head that turned, slightly creeping Twilight out. “Yes?”

Twilight looked down. “I’m… I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions about my stretchy coconut. I’ll make sure to look for evidence before I run off and blame you.”

“I’m afraid it’s too little, too late, my little Twilight, but I have one more thing to say to you.”

A tear dripped out of Twilight’s eye as well, her being caught up in the moment and all. “W-what is it?”

Discord put down the suitcase and walked towards Twilight Sparkle. “It’s just a word of advice before I leave the world of physics forever for being accused of such ignominy by one I used to hold so dear to my heart."

“Discord, you know I hate long good-byes, just spit it out already!”

“Alright, if you insist,” Discord said as he leaned his mouth within breathing distance of Twilight’s ear, Twilight able to feel his chaotic breath tickling her eardrum. “Twilight?”

“Y-yes, Discord?” Twilight asked. She was prepared for whatever final words her former friend had to say to her.

Discord took a deep breath. “I made your coconut stretchy.”

Twilight groaned. “Discord, what the hay!”

Discord pulled away and giggled. “I really had you going there for a second, didn’t I?”

“Discord, that was mean. Now make my coconut unstretchy and leave me to my alcohol.”

Discord shrugged as he snapped his talons. “Fine, have it your way,” he said as he snapped them again, vacating the premises.

Twilight sighed. After that distraction, she really could use a Piña Colada. She grasped the coconut and the screwdriver again, found the soft eye, and thrust the screwdriver into the soft eye, expecting a hole to form.

She did not expect confetti to spray out of the coconut.

Twilight could feel her heart rate accelerating and smoke coming out of her ears as her body burst into flame.

Discord, I’ll kill you!”

Author's Note:

Blame totallynotabrony.

Yes, this story is his fault.

Comments ( 62 )

And now there is one more result for stretchy coconuts on the internet, glorious.

What

What did I just read

Help

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

5636513 I literally laughed so hard I broke out into coughing when I read that.

Twilight's Sparkle is Made of Stretched Coconuts! :pinkiecrazy:

That was fast.

Also funny.

It seems to me that you are going for a record of most bizarre one-shots based entirely around lines taken out of context.

I giggled a bit while reading the story. :twistnerd: I think I should feel bad about it.

Dammit Syeekoh, what did you do this time...

Twilight Sparkle licked her lips as she started at the refrigerator.

*stared at the refrigerator

Hm, a better punchline might have been that it turns out Twilight hates the taste of Pina Coladas. Still, not bad.

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

5636536 I get ideas. I write them.


5636539 I did a thing. Thanks for the error catch.

And yeah, that would have been funny as well.

It feels really weird to see Discord swear by Celestia.

Aside from that, an amusing diversion.

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

5636565 I'm glad to have diverted you, then.:twilightsmile:


5636566 It never is, is it?

totallynotabrony must die for making something this funny. :heart::pinkiecrazy:

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

5636627 It pretty much came from totallynotabrony's blog post, where he found one search result for 'stretchy coconuts', found here for your viewing pleasure.

The idea that he would Google stretchy coconuts entranced and baffled me so.

Too much coconuts, 8/10

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

5636663 Not enough coconuts.

Confetti? That'd be Pinkie's fault, not Discord's.

See, now this is what I needed after a two hour lecture on stem cells: Twilight Sparkle and a stretching coconut.

Brilliant!

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

5636680 No problem, glad I could help!

And this is why we love you.

Coulda twisted it somehow.

Meh.

Was okay. Still worth the read.

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

5636714 Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it.:twilightsmile:

read the story description and my eyebrow raised in surprise... gonna read it now :P

Hmm, I don't want to say anything for certain because I feel like total shit and am in the midst of a sickness, but to me, Twilight felt off. Like, you wrote her in a very dumbed-down way, and it was particularly spawned by this right here:

Coconuts don’t stretch. Yet this coconut appears to have stretched.

Way to go, Captain Obvious.

I'm not sure I can call that a bad thing because it most certainly did a good job with medling with the comedy, but I still felt like Twilight was pretty weird in this little story. I mean, who says "you scared the daylights out of me" anymore? :rainbowlaugh: I'm not going to lie, I've only ever heard my grandma say it.

5636636 Now I need to see something about how Honey Bunches of Oats ruined a life.

Totally a spiritual successor BMDiMoP to hold people off until I can actually find the time and effort to work on the actual successor. :derpytongue2:

5637391 doctor coconut!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

this is just random even for discord

5637391 I was listening to that while I was reading the story.

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

5637021 Well, you see, I like to think that's an expression of the scientific method in it purest form, as in "this thing did a thing and now I'm going to thing it".

And yeah, "living daylights" may be an odd turn of phrase in today's society. It honestly hadn't occured to me that it might sound weird, though. I wonder if that says more about me, though.


5637174 That'll be the day.:rainbowlaugh:


5637352 *cracks whip

GET ON IT!

5637912

>> Sholan *cracks whip
GET ON IT!

Fiiine.

I'll try to get it done tomorrow.

And... please don't whip me again. :fluttercry:

5636627 He did! It was so funny that he died laughing shortly after making it a thing. Lets all have a moment of silence...

It’s just a word of advice before I leave the world of physics forever for being accused of such ignominy by one I used to hold so dear to my heart.

Need a quotation mark after *heart."

She was prepared for whatever finals words her former friend had to say to her.

*final words

“Discord, what they hay!”

*the hay

This was funny! :rainbowlaugh: More than funny though, it really made me crave a Pina Colada. It's been soooooo long since I had one. I know what I'm doing this weekend...

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

5638414 Well, that's what I get for pumping this out as quickly as I did...

I'm glad you enjoyed it nonetheless!

5638427

It's no problem. Everyone misses a few things here and there, even me. :rainbowwild:

I sure did enjoy it!

Coconuts don’t stretch. Yet this coconut appears to have stretched.

That's the line that sold me.

“I’m… I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions about my stretchy coconut

And that's the line that made me favorite.

Good show!

Why does this not have a comedy tag!?:rainbowlaugh: Have a like and a fave!

5637912

To be fair, "living daylights" makes more sense for Equestria than it does for modern Earth culture.

What with the Living Daylight and all. :trollestia:

I can't tell if this is some obscure innuendo or not.

5640165 that was my thought when i read the title but its rated 'E' and there is no sex tag so im gunna go with no

“Discord, that was mean. Now make my coconut unstretchy and leave me to my alcohol.”

I want this framed, so I can hang it on the awesome wall

“Because you’re the only being I associate with that can break said laws of reality.”

She forgot Pinkie Pie :(

There totally should have been a panda inside that coconut.

Just sayin'.

5638068 :fluttershysad: lemme just get my tiny violin.

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

5641850 It had one.

Now it has five.

Majin Syeekoh
Moderator

5641897 put "stretchy coconuts" in quotes, then try again.

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