Artemis is out jogging where he falls and finds him self in a strange yet somewhat familiar world.
Sent to the town of ponyville to live with the princess's student he has to find a role in which to live.
How will he cope, especially when around every corner is something which will merely bruise a pony but slay a human.
Chapter 1 and 2 rewrites complete.
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Would like to quickly say this is my first real work of fiction, so all comments are welcome. I know it may have grammr and spelling issues but hopefully its a decent attempt at the start of the story.
Okay a little issues on the grammer.
Giant wad of text makes people go away.
Overall pretty good
536001
Cheers Ill sort the seperation of chapter 2 tomorrow if I get time, got exam friday morning and going home from uni on wednesday, and possible coursework to do, rather busy. third chapter on its way soon though,maybe by end of next week or this weekend in a free time slot appears.
very well done so far, can't wait to read the rest of it, keep it up bro
SURPRISE
538304
?
538433
well Im new to Fim fiction so not exactly sure wat happens commonly, the story is starting off a bit slow, but after reading some stories, the ones I hated the most tried to rush.
We will see who shows up soon though
538304
Then Pinkie Pie does what she usually does and pops out of nowhere asking Twilight something, finds Artemis, gasps, and then either runs out door to make party and/or tell Ponyville of the new human, or Twilight stops her to tell her that it's secret. All before Spike gets downstairs.
I like this story quite a lot. The biggest reason being that the protagonist actually tells at least the princesses how he knows about MLP.
I don't like it when they try to hide it. It seems dishonest. And dishonesty is blasphemy against Celestia.
538482
I think if your confused about it the last thing u want to do are lie to creatures who can read ur brain
>> gcsmith
Yes, hide nothing from Celestia, she sees right through your soul anyway. Should you be found wanting. The Adeptus Mech-ponycus will break you down and rebuild you as a servitor-pony. in the end, we all serve the imperium of ponykind
538506
Ahh another 40k player,
You ever read fulgrim?
argh, screw you for making it so short lol like i said last chapter, great going so far
538523
Exam tomorrow having to study sections we never covered in class, Am writing in breaks though. Chapter 4 should be up later.
538543 good, i'll set this to watch while i continue to write my own stuff
538517
Haven't read the book no. :( Read about him though, wasn't he the primarch of the Emperor's Children? Slaaneshi followers?...purple/pink armor? *Quickly closes Wh40k wiki*
538553
thats the guy, Ill tell you, the guy who wrote that showed the chaos corruption so well, I really wanted to puke, Only horus heresy book ive read. hence why I wanted to ask you about it.
538560
gah, whenever I press "reply to comment, I only get these numbers here rather than the poster's name, I'm probably doin' something wrong. In any case. -- Guess I'm getting it then. I usually buy my WH40k books in hauls. 10 at a time or so.
I'm halfway through the final book of my last haul here (The Purging of Kallidus). So I'll be sure to get Fulgrim's story in the next batch. :)
538568
The numbers are the account ur replying too I think, anyway Fulgrim and Firewarrior are the only 2 40k novels Ive read, Ive read some warhammer ones as well, and some comics.
4th chapter going up now as well for those interested.
This is getting better and better. Looking forward to more chapters. ^^
538595
Thanks, I don't think its that amazing myself, only doing it as a break from revision atm, Hopefully i can continue this summer, but A lot of youtube and livestream to do. Although i can probably livestream writing the story :D
I have a basic idea of where I'm going, but its more or less write each part As I go, hopefully I dnt create holes and I can write each pony write. The apple's accent will be interesting.
Wanderinhg If I should submit the story to EQD, wat do you gus think
538629 Good story some mistakes but good overall, kinda short chapter but good job getting rid of wall o' texts
538641
Thanks,
Any examples of mistakes to correct for next time?
538629 do it filly
538674
Since Im a colt I take offense of that, but I couldnt stay mad at fluttershy, the cutest pony
538654 more commas is the first thing i noticed
538654 well in chapter three you missed "a" in there near the middle I think.
When they go into the room, it says,"however twilight went over to a circular shape in the wool, pressing her front right whoove to the circular shape"
Did you mean 'Wood'?
539664
Yep thanks for that
Now this is just getting better and better. :D Mmmm...Rarity. :D
very nice,
cant wait for chap 6
Since the story is tagged romance, who do you think will be involved. +5 derpy internet muffins to correct guessers (correct spelling?)
544018
Tempted to make chapter 6 a dream sequence chapter what you think?
544289 well it would fit the place in the story, although it depends on what the dream is about, thats the kicker, if it could tie into a future part of the story, then go for it, a little foreshadowing never hurt anyone
544123 gotta be twilight, judging from the last few sentences
544123 I'm hoping Rarity.. There's something with that trans-atlantic accent that makes her veeeery appealing.
544341
I know what you mean, but artemis blushed a lot at rarity, although being almost sexually harrased by a talking equine can do that.
Than there was the blushing at Applejack.
Artemis has only blushed at twilights laughter, and he still has 3 ponies to meet
544704 hmmmm, by your comment, im guessing either im wrong, or you're just teasing me away from the truth, OR you dont even know yet, either way, dont know, dont care, i'd rather wait and find out when you get more of the story done
545616
mwahahahaha. well I wouldn't want people to know too early.
I have also come up with a decent twist to get in, although that shouldnt be in for a while.
ouch... That has to hurt.
what? one comment 0 views... Wat?
548015
wat hurts?
548068 Back crack to the ground
548235
Im sure it wouldnt hurt too much, especially given chapter title
Quick tip of advice the second sentence is a run on sentence.
"Artemis, a normal person is fresh from his first year of university. While at home he goes off for a jog across the nearby moores of bonny england and heads to into tumble, but instead of crashing in the bog, he winds up in the world of one of his favorite cartoons."
"Artemis, a normal person is fresh from his first year of university. While at home, he goes off for a jog across the nearby Moores (What is moores? A place? Name of Person?) of Bonny England and heads in to a tumble crashing in to the bog. Unknowingly, Artemis winds up in the world of one of his favorite cartoons."
just noticed mine is also incorrect, but i don't really care enough to fix it.
568230
Fair enough,
Moors probably should of been correct spelling, as in Moors is like swampy kind of terrain in Britian
lookin forward to the next few chapters dude, keep it up
595253
Chapter 8 in progress. Sorry the story is a bit mundane atm, but I dnt wanna go too quick.
Why is it that in every fic I've been reading lately somebody gets seriously fucked up?
On a different note, this was a good chapter. Can't wait for updates.