• Member Since 18th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen Feb 8th, 2014



(This story is currently in it's 3rd rewrite)
I had always had problems with controlling my anger. It got me in a lot of trouble. Expelled from high school even.

So when I was brought into a strange new world, expected to keep my anger under control in the face of bigotry and racism. Well, it made for some interesting events.

Rated Teen for Strong language and violence

(Takes place between seasons 2 and 3)

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 17 )

Do you feel as though something was missing? I'd love some more elaboration if possible.

hm, this new rewrite definitely takes on a different tone from the other ones, considering there's no scene where the main character beats a bully's face in.

Different. Getting pretty tired of the rewrites. It's better to leave out that bullying part. Much much better.

Wow, such a great response so far. It really encourages me to write more.

Seriously though. Only 3 comments and they're all pretty much saying meh.

If you're tired of the story I'll just be done with it.

2643769 ...where is a full version? how long will the rewrite last?

I have the original version saved on my computer. I don't know how long this re-write will last. I've gotten a few favorites, like 4 or 5, but all my feedback is just kinda meh and there's no criticisms. Idunno, thinking I might just move on from this story.

2644175 Well, I'd like to read the entirety of the original if you please. It can't be too bad, as long as the grammar is ok. As it is, I can't really give a critique of a story that only has 2,000 words or less. What I can tell you is that you have a very interesting start to your story, and that I THINK, the mysterious character with the surrounding warmth is possibly Celestia or another less know Deity, with significant importance to the story. As you haven't gone into the natures of your characters very deeply yet, There isn't much I can say besides to develop them, and the plot-line is almost nonexistent, since you haven't made anything happen yet. I look forward to him meeting the inhabitants of Equestria though.

I'd like to look over your previous writing, if you would please. I will send you my email address in a separate letter if you choose to send me the previous edition. I ask for the previous edition because I can look over it briefly, and address any possible problems in it, maybe even send you a re-edit of it with possible changes noted. (Re-edit of improper grammar and/or spelling, that is). If you would like me to help in this endeavor, I'd be perfectly happy to do so, and would like you to type a return reply to this message in response to whether you will take me up on my offer. If not, then it has been a pleasure to make your acquaintance.


I guess I could send you the original, but uh, it's really bad. The grammar is okay, but the story itself is just rushed with zero direction.

And I'm honestly still not sure if I'll continue this story. I might just delete it. It's nothing but a blemish and whenever I look at it I just want to cringe. The whole thing was just bad from the beginning.

2644321 Its nothing if you take the time to develop it. And you can't work a masterpiece from the beginning. It takes time to develop EVERYTHING!

I'm just kinda fed up with the premise. I'd rather move onto other stuff, but that'll never happen with this in the back of my mind bothering me.

2644334 Then it'll be good to get it out of the way. Of course, It'll probably take over a week to read.

I like the story, but you've re-wrote it 3 times now. It's time to just move on :P

2644334 well if you work on this i will read it i was drawn to this from the first version you had up but just no more rewrites if you dont like the story than just move on

also if you have the original could you send me it i would like to read i again i mean if its no trouble :fluttershysad:

Y'know, I think Cryo is right. It's probably just time for me to move on from this and work on other things.

(Also I lost the original version)

other things like chapter 2-end, not other stories.

Last comment: 114 weeks ago.
Last time the author was online: 77,5 weeks ago.


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