• Member Since 31st Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen Mar 15th, 2013

device heretic


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Nightmare Moon visits Twilight in the night, and things get biblical.

Featured on Equestria Daily, 1 May 2012.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 256 )
NTL
NTL #1 · Apr 27th, 2012 · · 17 ·

FIRST! (Sorry, I had to :rainbowlaugh:)

I'll leave a more sophisticated review once I'm not so tired anymore...

NTL

This story is first and foremost a character study of Twilight and a well crafted extension to the mystery that is Nightmare Moon. You may have tagged Celestia and Luna and as characters, too, but they don't contribute much to this. In a way, the allusions to the bible give away most of the story, what's it about and how it's going to end. But the execution was excellent and turned it into an interesting read. It's mostly carried by dialog, so that gave me the feeling of watching an intimate play instead of reading a story (that's a compliment, in case you can't tell :raritywink:).

My favorite part were the glimpses we got into Twilight's everyday and social life, her fears of being left out and missing out on things. This feeling of not having enough time to do everything, is something I can relate to a lot. Your stories tend to focus mostly on the grander scale of things surrounding Twilight Sparkle's life, but I think you'd do very well too, if you'd go for some Slice of Life stories (Personally, I really do enjoy well written stories about her awkwardly trying to up her social or love life a little).

That all said, let me end with: Not enough lesbian Rainbow Dash! :rainbowhuh:

Well done :twilightsmile:
NTL

*sigh* Looks like I have a new number 1.

I knew you'd never let us down, Device. <3

Nice job, as usual! :twilightsmile:

Quite interesting, heretic. Biblical, indeed.:moustache:

Yet another well-written story. Loved the banter back and forth between Twilight and Nightmare Moon, and any opportunity to have Angry Luna is a welcome one.

Damn but this was good. Nightmare Moon's never been more Satanic, and I love how tempting you made her offers to Twilight... and how Twilight's refusal to accept those gifts was both a struggle and completely in character with her.

Lovely work with Luna and Celestia, too, but what else could we expect from you?

Augh! It's just so delicious coming from you! You have no idea how green and in a very odd way proud I am right now. But again, thanks-- this was really wonderful.

Unlike with Eternal, though, I do actually have a couple of suggestions which might improve this story:

1. You could have had Nightmare approach Twilight at her lowest, as Satan did with Jesus in the bible myth.
2. If you had not used the deus ex machina at the end, you could once again have shown how Twilight is capable of resisting all types of these temptations herself because her motivations are intrinsically more powerful than anything Nightmare could offer-- and then even have the chance to speculate on what these motivations might be. (Something we don't really get in the bible myth, per se.)

And yes, doing either of the above probably would stretch the story out to be longer than you really want it to be. Can I help it if you leave me hungering for more? :unsuresweetie:

Still, this was well paced and well done and did, in my mind, mirror the bible story quite well!

Still waiting to hear your response to my question about the craft, BTW. (C'mon, spill the beans, please!)

And, still waiting to hear where I should send that money.

Damn man... now that is a good psychological study of Twilight Sparkle if I have ever seen it.

Luna showing up to save the day, I must admit was an idea brushing on the back of my mind as soon as it was revealed to be a lucid dream. Still nice to see her show up all vengeful.

As always Device, a most excellent story.

That was a good read DH. It needs to be featured.

This was utterly wonderful! My brain appreciates it very much!

Wow. That was pretty good.

It felt a lot like Eternal were Twilight has to conquer her desires regarding Celestia. But of course this is about herself and I have to say... that's not too far off how I picture Twilight myself.

Well done DH, well done.

The only part that puzzled me a bit was

"They were still blazing white with her awesome powers, "

'awesome' feels a little out of place considering the writing style of the rest of the story. But that's really bitching on an extremely high level. :twilightsheepish:

512878
That would be "awesome" in the classical sense of "inspires awe", what with being so powerful.

512878 I thought the same thing when I saw that. I was like "awesome" ...

Something seems out of place here!!

Still, utterly breathtaking story.

Whoa, you're back :pinkiegasp: Well, looks like I might have to start tracking you again, and you've given me a good reason to. This was just brilliant. Like someone said above me, the dialogue is definitely the best thing going on here. You craft for Twilight all these provocative responses to an equally provocative Nightmare Moon. Although, Twilight did strike me as sounding a little too elevated in some sentences. Despite being a genius, she still has a pretty girlish tone in the show. I'm sorry, I don't really want to go combing for those sentences; I just remembered a few places where you omit contractions where I figured they would've made sense. It's a minor thing compared to my overall enjoyment.

Though, if you weren't trying to convey her childishness in that context, you certainly did that with the ending. Someone said they would've preferred a less deus ex machina ending which had Twilight fighting back Nightmare Moon on her own, but then this would've been a fairly predictable "rise above temptation" story. You portray Twilight as mentally strong, but also extremely vulnerable. It's not a particularly flattering portrayal, a little over-the-top, and honestly not one I would ever use. I was certainly put off by her begging to sleep in bed with Celestia; but, hey, whatever you wanna do. Anyway, having Luna save the day gives that vulnerability a vehicle with which to come on stage. This is definitely an interesting direction. So interesting, in fact, that you've left me a little unsatisfied by just ending it with Twilight blubbering under Celestia's wing. Good thing? Bad thing? Regardless, I'll be thinking about this story for a bit today. Great job, man :pinkiehappy:

512886

I see. Well you never stop learning I guess. :twilightblush:

Just fantastic. Your quill is one of the sharpest I've ever seen.

Of special note-- Twilight's secret desire for Celestia is a hard thing to paint for any writer, and you certainly did it in spades. It's almost like her secret shame, the most personal thing in her heart of hearts, and you brought it to light beautifully. I applaud you for that.

Woah, that was excellent!

This story was awesome in the classical sense, what with being so awesome. Everything is just how it should be: Nightmare Moon is at her most sinister when she's playing mind games, Twilight is young and imperfect but devastatingly insightful and inherently goodhearted, and the Princesses are powerful yet fallible. I loved when Luna appeared and unleashed her vengeance... I can't even imagine how loud the Royal Canterlot Angry Voice is.

My goodness, you are an absurdly good author. Taking that single verse from Matthew and turning it into a brilliant character study; simply awe-inspiring.

> Go on lunch break
> See new Heretic story
> Let loose a (slightly feminine) squeal of delight
> Boss asks whats wrong with me
> Explain excitement over "New Device Heretic story"
> Boss turns out to be a brony

That's it! Device is back and working miracles! Don't have time to read it now, but I can favourite it!

Damn... I was hoping it would end up being a pro-Nightmare Moon story. There are so few of them.

Oh well. It was a nice read, regardless.

Excellent piece.

I don't believe there is a more competent grasp of what Nightmare Moon should be, save for in this fable. The manner in which she bargained with Twilight, offering promises and gifts from the role of playful predator... it was inspiring villainy, if tainted with a pointed desperation. Wonderful character awareness.

Thank you device heretic, you've done it again!

:pinkiehappy:

Nightmare went down to Ponyville; she was looking for a soul to steal...

ΔΓ

0

Luna ex machina! :derpytongue2:

Note: I wrote this before your post.

Note two. Oh yeah, I misread that part. Silly.

:pinkiesad2: That was... beautiful

Very interesting. Certainly wasn't expecting a fimfic based off the Bible, but I must say, you pulled it off pretty well.

Everything you touch becomes gold. Seriously. Storytelling and depth at its finest.

Very enjoyable, device. Very enjoyable indeed. I am a sucker for religious parallels, so this had me clapping like a retarded Peter Griffon before I had even started.

Turns out the story was pretty good as well. Lucky me!

Not much to say except that I love this and wish I could be half the writer you are.

513257 Good for you! wins like that are always welcome!

@Author of the story: I really happy with the way you translated bible lessons into something that most people can relate to here. Instead of simply claiming that the bible is the answer to all and forcing ponies to convert to something that doesn't naturally exist in their world, you brought the lesson out of it and placed it into their world in a natural and slightly passive way. You made it possible for people to listen without feeling like they would be judged either way. As a semi-agnostic student of deductive reasoning, I thank you deeply for what you have done here and hope that your excellent writing skills may be put to use not only in stories of this nature but in others as well.

512616
"You could have had Nightmare approach Twilight at her lowest, as Satan did with Jesus in the bible myth."

I think the disorientation of not realizing it was a dream was the perfect angle to take. It really puts the reader in Twilight's horseshoes of not knowing what's going on until it's revealed that it's a dream.

"If you had not used the deus ex machina at the end, you could once again have shown how Twilight is capable of resisting all types of these temptations herself because her motivations are intrinsically more powerful than anything Nightmare could offer-- and then even have the chance to speculate on what these motivations might be."

In my humble opinion, having twilight show her vulnerability was the masterstroke of the entire story. Showing that Twilight DOES have a weakness, even in her morality. That even she can be tempted to breaking.

512878
"'awesome' feels a little out of place"

I hadn't even noticed the dual implication. I just read it as awesome in the classic sense.

512927
"Although, Twilight did strike me as sounding a little too elevated in some sentences."

Again, can't say I noticed it so it must not have detracted too much. My eyes have a way of gravitating to such things.

"I was certainly put off by her begging to sleep in bed with Celestia"

I couldn't disagree more. After the ordeal she had been through, being emotionally and mentally torn down to her core, I think seeking comfort and sympathy from her mentor was right on the nose. If it was any different, I would have felt cheated. A sort of "Are you OK, Twilight?" "Hm? Me? Sure. I was just mentally raped to the pit of my very being, but no big" kind of ambivalence would have been almost impossible to cover up. She needed to be destroyed by the experience or it was meaningless.

"you've left me a little unsatisfied by just ending it with Twilight blubbering under Celestia's wing."

Again I take offense. Celestia's comforting and compassion of her prized and beloved pupil as she cried was the only true option. Anything less would have been criminal and completely out of character.

In conclusion, it's wonderful. It was, bar none, the greatest fanfic I have ever had the honor of viewing and a single change or alteration would spoil the amazing alchemy you've created here. I bow before a superior talent and surpassing wordsmith and wish you the same kind of magic in every one of your works. I am deeply and truly moved, sir, and can only endeavor to approach your level of skill. -Shiloh

I... This... It...


This was amazing! Absoultely phenomenal!

In fact, I was so intrigued by it, that I can't say anything else besides this now:



dfgfuihetwu9htr9wihfi9wenhisdbhe fiernhgiuehwgiuoewbeiwbgewgewg...

Fantastic. I don't know anything abut the bible, but I still thought this story was phenomenal. It revealed a lot, in a very smart way, about Twilight.

Exalant my good man. Good show!!

Twi always seems to have insecurities in the romance department( that last offer was about romance right?) is it canon(some episode said so but it was one of those things you have to infer?) or
Is it fanon?

514942 It's kinda both. She is so busy with studies that she doesn't really make a lot of friends. That's cannon as far as ep 1 is concerned. Translating that to it's logical extension, she must also have trouble finding a date.

God damn you. You fuckin' rock.:trollestia:

DAMN how do people write like this?

Again, amazing work. Just how different Celestia acted prior the banishment and all her gained experiences was interesting.

I had an idea of what would happen here, I even believed on Nightmare Moon offers, then everytrhing became so complicated not attacking desires but fears, that part got me really sad, but everything went well at the end,

you did a very good job getting inside the mind of every character .

Loved this story, I hope there are more stories on your name, checking now

Wow...just...wow. This is one of the most well written pieces of MLP fiction I have ever had the pleasure of reading. Truly.

And now, just because it started running through my head when I read the first few paragraphs...

This is a rather clever play on temptation that stayed away from the usual "glories of the Dark Side! MWUAHAHAHA!" by making it all so very personal for poor Twilight. Great story!

"The nightmare went down to Ponyville, she was looking for a soul to steal."

Nice read. Battles of will are really hard to write but the payoff is worth it if you can pull it off. This is done so well I can virtually see the duel between Twilight and the nightmare, The tempting lounge, the sarcastic riposte, the nightmares remise of Twilight's desires. Only fairly well written stories let me really get into the conversation like that.

I do see why people are saying that Luna was a bit of a deus ex machina. Her appearance was quite literally a "god from the machine" and the suddenness of it could make people feel like it was a cop out. In my opinion however, As you stated in the blog, the battle was over before Luna even entered the story; and as Celestia said, if she wasn't rescued then she would have simply resisted longer. All in all I think this is a great story. Nice to see you have not totally forsaken "da dramaz" of fan fiction. Keep up the good work!

Lawdy lawdy that was intense.

You never disappoint.

NICE. But what exactly made you want to write this? Just curious here.

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