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After ponies make peaceful first contact with humanity, President Dick Cheney retaliates by declaring war on Equestria and attempting to overthrow Princess Celestia's tyrannical reign with the finest American military equipment that can be shoved through the small portal into Equestria.

Things don't go as well as planned.


Now with a reading by AShadowOfCygnus!

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 124 )
YbJ
YbJ #1 · Oct 4th, 2014 · · ·

the finest American military equipment that can be shoved through the small portal

img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130405221911/mlp/images/e/e1/FANMADE_Luna_I_see_what_you_did_there.jpg

KaBar42 #2 · Oct 4th, 2014 · · 6 ·

I normally like your fics.

But this one, I can safely say, I did not like it.

This story amused me. I honestly thought the changelings would offer their services to the US, but meh...how you used them was just as funny (if not better).

I laughed until my smartphone ran out of power. (Seriously, I'll be surprised if I can get to the "post" button after typing this.)

(Wow)

Hey, just out of mere curiosity, we can use the discount cards to buy gum, then immediately quit the army, right?

You know, play you all for chumps.

Correct, there are no obligations, unless of course, war were declared. [siren sounds]

What was that?

War were declared.

KaBar42 #6 · Oct 4th, 2014 · · 6 ·

Also, NB4 lordofmyth brings his infectious diarrhea of the mouth to this fic and Alondro brings his "I'm Better Than You Because I'm A "Scientist"" Narcissism to this fic

Europa #8 · Oct 4th, 2014 · · 12 ·

This is going to get SO MUCH butthurt from Humans are Superior, and I will laugh at their tears. Those people have become worse than the misanthropes they formed to oppose, and it's fics like this that make me happy.

You see, the Equestria we see in the show obviously would fare... poorly against the USA army, but the Equestria we see is also an incomplete version. You can imagine a complete Equestria vs humans however you want, and the outcome can, therefore, be whatever you want. And something like this makes me happy... though I'm a little confused about the 'ingesting a piano from the clouds' bit. What happened there?

The phoenixes were also a lovely touch, as was the cockatrice enchanted with Want It Need It. Holy shit, that would be terrifying. Also convincing the changelings to sabotage any attempts at coordination, Diamond Dog terrain wrecking, etc. And of course, all sorts of headcanons revolve around the alicorns sisters' ability to control the sun and moon, from 'they're just projections on the sky' to 'they can move them, but their special talent means they don't need as much force' to 'they really are capable of hauling celestial bodies through the sky with their minds'.

Have a fucking favorite and a like, you magnificent bastard!

5097020
Fair enough! It's not meant to be taken seriously (obviously).

I have nothing but the highest respect for the men and women who serve in our armed forces, doing a job that I am utterly unqualified for. I have somewhat less respect for the politicians who give the orders.

5097023

I was torn on that, but I figured that the changelings would rather go with the devil they knew than the one they did not.

Also, why isn't there a changeling emoticon? Somebody should tell Knighty to get on that.

5097030
I would have been disappointed if nobody commented on the title.
c1.staticflickr.com/7/6041/6227210458_15d4c5954b.jpg

5097074 I think the plane flew through a cloud house. It had a piano. Who knows what else went through the engine intakes? China? Silverware? Pony porn magazines?

I think there could be a story alone on a plane flying through some random pegasus' house. :rainbowlaugh:

5097086 We need the evil Chrysalis grin. It's epic.

5097074

This is going to get SO MUCH butthurt from Humans are Superior,

As the upvote/downvote ratio already shows.

though I'm a little confused about the 'ingesting a piano from the clouds' bit. What happened there?

Flew through a pegasus cloudhouse. It's canon that some pegasi have pianos, so....

Have a fucking favorite and a like, you magnificent bastard!

:heart:

My own views on a war between Equestria and Earth are far more complicated than what's presented in this show. One of these days, I'm going to make a blog post on that topic (and it'll be a long one); if I remember, I'll link this story.

Well, personally I found this to be quite amusing. And, while I love my country, I'm rather obligated to root for Equestria in this one.

Eh. I could probably debate things for a few pages, but it's just a non-serious one shot, so, no real harm done. I do disagree with the outcome...

But I will heartily agree about the politician thing.

5097103

I think there could be a story alone on a plane flying through some random pegasus' house. :rainbowlaugh:

That sounds like something I've read before. It might actually be the first story I favved. :pinkiehappy:

5097124

Yeah, one of these days I'm going to write a long blog post on the subject. It won't have conclusive answers, since we've not seen enough of Equestria to confirm much about society outside of Ponyville.

One thing I will say, though, is that a war like this would likely hinge on logistics, and how much could get through the portal between the worlds.

5097138

I'll agree with that. Logistics are frigging important to any war machine.

It'd come down to exactly what kind of contact it was, though. Is it just portals? If so, who controls the portals? Is Equestria from the same dimension/universe? Does magic even affect people from Earth? Etc, etc. Really depends on the writer, I suppose, since we'll never actually get to see it in real life...

5097076

It was more kind of the ending that did it in for me.

And the Phoenixes.

5097161

It'd come down to exactly what kind of contact it was, though. Is it just portals? If so, who controls the portals? Is Equestria from the same dimension/universe? Does magic even affect people from Earth? Etc, etc. Really depends on the writer, I suppose, since we'll never actually get to see it in real life...

Yeah, there are so many possible permutations, there really can't be a definitive answer. The only good human and pony war story I've read (and the two sides weren't fighting each other) was Stardust by Arad.

Inspired by another one of those dumb “Human vs. Pony” threads, where one of the commenters seemed so obsessed with how well a F-35 would do against ponies. I thought to myself, ‘can it handle ingesting a piano?’ And . . . the rest kind of wrote itself.
EDIT: Based on the early voting, this may wind up being my worst-rated story ever.

The problem with trying to parody those hyper-jingoistic military wankery fics is it can easily come across as one of the misanthropic hate fantasies instead.

Basically, in trying to mock Michael Bay, you accidentally landed at Michael Moore.

5097165

It was more kind of the ending that did it in for me.

That was inspired by the vague threat of Celestia sending the sun at Earth in Arad's Stardust.

And the Phoenixes.

Got the idea from the incendiary bat-bombs we tried to use in WWII.:pinkiehappy:

5097216

Basically, in trying to mock Michael Bay, you accidentally landed at Michael Moore.

Eh, I've done worse.

I'll only really regret this if the story hits the feature box, and everyone feels compelled to comments on it, or if it becomes the next peachfic.

On the plus side, it could potentially inspire someone to write a good Equestria vs. Earth fic.

I have to fight so hard not to talk about all the weird assumptions people make to write an Equestria vs humans story. It's hard not to assign anyone who writes one to Team Human or Team Pony.

Edit: I never really considered Diamond Dogs though. Do we have tactics for something that can practically swim through ground?

5097216

A piano? Just about every aircraft Ive ever seen cant even handle getting hit by a pidgeon, never mind a frozen chicken. :pinkiecrazy:

Rolls Royce has some injestion resistant engnes, bu are refusing to release them for use in existing aircraft. Something about their 40% greater fuel efficincy not worth being put into carbon fibre aircraft with a 10% better flight capability.

Also, the smallest fighter bomber you can shove through a portal should be the Marines Harriers. After all, they can be used to a certain limited extent before you even get the wings and tail back on. If you are crazy enough. :moustache:

What did you expect to get when a Pegasus engine flies through a Pegasus cloud house. A Microwave? :trollestia:

EDIT

Before getting into the high level stuff, the trick with the rotorblades was very nice, but so is a spell designed to auto target a rock into the immediate vecinity of the fastest moving object in the region of transmission, or to follow the gradient of greatest complexity and swap out the CPU? I remmeber reading astory many years ago, where one of the teleporters could only do a very short range, very tiny swap in place port.

Its suprising how quickly modern technology stops working when a piece of CPU is swapped with say the heart valve of the pilot.

5097337

If I ever did a serious Pony vs. Human story, I'd research the hell out of it. Right now, my inclination is that the invading force (Humans in Equestria or Ponies on Earth) would ultimately lose, due to the home team having the military advantage, and massive supply and logistical problems for the invaders. But we don't see enough in the show to draw a firm conclusion, and there's a fair bit of headcanon when it comes to what the ponies can or cannot do, especially given the limited perspective of the show.

5097086 I don't know what you mean. They're all Changeling emoticons.

:trollestia:

5097340

Also, the smallest fighter bomber you can shove through a portal should be the Marines Harriers

I picked the F-35 since one forum thread I read confidentially predicted that it was capable of winning a war all by itself.

5097337

I never really considered Diamond Dogs though. Do we have tactics for something that can practically swim through ground?

We've got some kinds of ground-penetrating radar (satellite based, and maybe portable), and you could probably triangulate them with siesmographs or sonar.

For stopping them, an untrasonic weapon might work (they're dog-like), or in the right terrain, it might be possible to liquefy the ground and drown them. IIRC, we've had trouble with insurgents in caves, so I don't think we have a handy, never-fail method of wiping out underground troops.

EDIT: flooding the tunnels might be an option, too. Either with water, or with a heavier-than-air gas.

5097366

Yup, but once the body of a Harrier is though, you can weld drop tanks to it in minutes and have it running flights of a couple minutes at least on pure vector thrust, even while the whings are still coming through. :pinkiecrazy:

I just wish I could write up the stories of The Qrawler, in such a way that they would be acceptable here. Its how a Gary Stu should be, and all the stuff is worked out beforehand. Even to pointing out which currently existing Earth based technology Im using.

Such as Caltechs Phaser Banks. :trollestia:

I have to ask - what parasprites were to eat at first? Soylent Green? :pinkiesick:

EDIT: Based on the early voting, this may wind up being my worst-rated story ever.

You dared to make fun of American way: Peace Through Superior Firepower - what did you expect? Cookies? :)

---
Typo:
The the first unicorn had come through.

Orders had come down for a spearhead of tanks to make an attack on the capitol.
- capital
The Capitol: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capitol

It's another spoiler attack.
- feigned attack (?) (if not intentional/or real military term?)

Zose infidels! Zey vill rue ze day zey claimed zey vere better zan us! To war, and show no mercy! :rainbowdetermined2:

5097232

write a good Equestria vs. Earth fic.

AHAHAHAHAHA!

5097411
I seem to remember an Asimov(?) fic where robots showed the prideful Jovians up. The robots, who failed to mention that they were artificial constructs, led the Jovians to believe that all humanity was that powerful.

5097441

I have to ask - what parasprites were to eat at first? Soylent Green? :pinkiesick:

You may want to avoid the upcoming Mares of Diomedes.

You dared to make fun of American way: Peace Through Superior Firepower - what did you expect? Cookies?

Yes?

Typo:

First two corrected.

It's another spoiler attack.

I have heard this used in the sense of a fake attack in order to draw forces from the real attack. Whether that's a term in real military usage or not, I don't know . . . but Chrysalis woudn't, either.:pinkiehappy:

5097501

If this story gets dozens of Futurama-themed comments, I'll be happy.:pinkiehappy:

Fudge it, I'm upvoting this out of pure spite. I did wonder how badly some readers would cry about a story that dares to promote Equestria's military capability. Doesn't look all that bad though, which is good to see.

I can just imagine the generals back home:
"What do you mean, 'they've weaponized the local insects against us'?!"

5097340

I'm wondering whether a chopper would be even simpler to take down. Just a couple well-placed rocks levitated in the way of the of the rotor components. Or maybe a ball of fine grit sand pressed liberally into the mechanism while in service.

How durable are the components anyway?

Have an upvote, this was funny. :twilightsmile:

5097554

Fudge it, I'm upvoting this out of pure spite.

:pinkiehappy: I'll take it.

I did wonder how badly some readers would cry about a story that dares to promote Equestria's military capability.

Pretty badly; initial voting was 2:1 against.

Just a couple well-placed rocks levitated in the way of the of the rotor components.

Or in the intakes for the turbines. If turbines can't handle a bird, they won't take rocks, either.

Or maybe a ball of fine grit sand pressed liberally into the mechanism while in service.

That takes longer. A British Airways 747 accidentally flew through a volcanic ash cloud (pumice is very abrasive), and they were able to restart 3 of the 4 engines. All four had to be replaced after landing, but the engines worked well enough to land the plane. We've also got experience with dealing with sand (Desert Storm, whatever the latest operations in Iraq are called....)

5097580

Pretty badly; initial voting was 2:1 against.

Some people need a sense of humor. Badly.

We've also got experience with dealing with sand (Desert Storm, whatever the latest operations in Iraq are called....)

True, true. I hadn't gotten around to remembering all the sand our military has put up with.

Though it still sounds like you should never underestimate a Well-Placed Rock (+1).

5097554

If you wanted to be really nasty, why not use pitch and sap covered capture nets thrown from trebuchets.

Lets see you see a wood device under forest cover where the operator is pulling a cord while hid underground. All classic Earth combat stuff.

5097535

That story was hilarious. One wanders into the ultra high tech research lab with a vat of molten iron, as in new secret metallurgy, and dips its finger in to check, then pulls it out totally unharmed, while in a dense cryo hydrogen atmosphere, then the oldest, and clumsiest one accidentally rips off the heavy vehicular door.

Then when leaving, and the Jovians are asking how they handle the pressure change. Oh, we dont, the ships open to space. We dont have to breathe. :trollestia:

5097667
Have you ever read The High Crusade by Poul Anderson? They launched nukes from trebuchets.

5097648

Some people need a sense of humor. Badly.

Totally agree.

Let's see, I can either go on about how this fic is going to get so much flak from the Humans are Superior group and about the cyclical nature of misanthropy, philanthropy, and "human supremacism" and it's associated tropes in this fandom and try to promote positive discussion in this fanfic's comment sections...

Or I can just post a short youtube video of what everyone is thinking.

Eh, the author asked for Futurama. Futurama he shall get.

5097710

Let's see, I can either go on about how this fic is going to get so much flak from the Humans are Superior group

Well, it's gone from 2:1 against, to 2:1 for, so that's a good thing I guess. Maybe early viewers had their sense of humor shot off in the war?

And if I can't poke fun at my country now and then, what's the point of writing at all? :derpytongue2:
cdn.head-fi.org/7/7d/900x900px-LL-7de67ac2_202.jpg

5097688

Where do you think I got the idea from. :trollestia:

Talk about stealth weaponry.

I still need to do the full, proper and detailed maths on The Qrawlers primary silent weapon system. Quad Flour Bomb Howizer Morters. Theres a whole range of effects that can be done with them, Ill let you think of what comes from the Baker Street Irregulars. :pinkiecrazy:

This story was pretty hilarious.

It's pretty interesting to see how the humans handled all the little things they would have to deal with. Feeding a piano to a jet certainly wasn't something most likely covered in engineering.:rainbowlaugh:

5097782
Aerosol bombs of any sort can be lots of fun. I DMed a campaign where one of the traps was a dark room filled with finely-ground flour, and the only exit under the flour. It was easy enough to dig, but the party only had conventional, open-flame torches.

It didn't end well for them.

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