Operation Pony Liberation
War Were Declared
Admiral Biscuit
When the portal had popped up in the Mojave, everyone had ignored it. It was California's problem. Then the first unicorn had come through.
After that, things got a little fuzzy, but it was clear to everyone that the ponies were harboring terrorists, and the only way to preserve freedom was to go to war. President Cheney said so in an impassioned speech, and all his sycophants in Congress echoed it to their citizens. In no time, the Military-Industrial Complex was in full swing, exchanging fat governmental contracts for shiny new equipment that wouldn't fit through the portal.
But Americans are a persistent lot; scientists figured out how to make the portal large enough for a truck to fit through, and even an F-35 . . . if it was in pieces. Soldiers streamed through the portal, ready to bring diplomacy at gunpoint.
✦✦✦✦✦
Captain John Price shot to cruise altitude, quickly crossing over the no-man's land outside the base. Technically, it was a no-pony land, but in this strange new war, old names stuck. Once he was in a combat zone, he instinctively glanced down at his radar for targets, but of course none appeared. The boys at Raytheon were working on that, but for now it would only show airplanes, not pegasi. The missiles he normally carried strapped to the wings were gone, too, replaced with external fuel tanks. Missiles wouldn't track a pony, so they were useless.
Setting the throttles as far back as he could, he shuddered along at five knots above stall speed, looking for targets. He instinctively knew that his plane was more or less useless against the ponies, but for some reason he didn't understand, attack helicopters hadn't made it through the portal yet.
At his low altitude, he was burning through fuel at a prodigious rate, but it was worth it when he spotted a cluster of ponies around some sort of weapon. It looked vaguely medieval.
He tucked the nose down, and brushed his finger over the trigger. They'd never know what hit them. As soon as he got through the scattered clouds. . . .
The plane shuddered, and he could feel the engines coming apart. Alarms screamed through his headset, and Captain Price instinctively grabbed the handle for the ejection seat. Later, a frame-by-frame analysis of his gun camera would show that the F-35 had most likely ingested a piano when it went through the cloud.
✦✦✦✦✦
“Hold your positions, men!” The Corporal ducked down as shrapnel whizzed overhead. The fuel dump he was tasked with protecting was blazing into the night sky.
An attack at the perimeter had been the perfect distraction to pull his men away from the precious fuel. By the time he got back, a battalion of flaming red birds had made kamikaze runs at the fuel pumps. He'd seen one land right on top of a valve and while he watched in horror, the metal heated until the pipe burst, soaking the bird and the ground in fuel . . . and then the whole thing had gone up like a torch, and the damned bird flew off completely unharmed.
Shooting them did no good. They'd fall out of the sky, burst into flames on the ground, and then take off as if nothing had ever happened.
He was not looking forward to reporting this setback to the Pentagon.
✦✦✦✦✦
Private Argonar was in the mess hall when it happened. A loud thump on the roof was a sign that the unicorns were tossing rocks at them again. At first, they'd been firing them from trebuchets, but as the soldiers got better entrenched, they were able to clear a range that was safe from even artillery fire.
Occasional sparkling rocks still landed on the roof, but they were more of an annoyance than anything. He went back to his lunch.
While he was enjoying a rehydrated brownie, he heard a commotion outside the mess hall. He instinctively reached for his sidearm—along with the other hundred soldiers in the room—and turned to look.
He only had one moment of clarity as something which looked like a cross between a chicken and a lizard rushed into the room. His first instinct was to shoot, but as he was drawing a bead on the chicken lizard, he became overwhelmed with an urge to protect it, and keep it safe from all the other soldiers. He dropped his gun and rushed for it, offering soothing words as it looked into his eyes.
✦✦✦✦✦
How he had gotten through the perimeter, nobody could say. A single white unicorn, wearing the obsolete golden armor of the Royal Guard, was standing in the center of the parade grounds, his horn blazing with blue light. A cordon of soldiers all had their weapons trained on him, but not one of them dared pull the trigger—because above them were the target of the unicorn's spell. Dozens of boxes of mortar rounds, all floating fifty feet off the ground, bobbing slightly in the unicorn's wavering field. None of them were fused—probably—but no one was dumb enough to take the chance.
He was weakening, everyone could see that. Sweat was pouring off his body from the intense concentration required to maintain a field that large for that long. The base psychiatrist was talking to him, trying to coax him to set the weapons down gently and he would come to no harm.
“I want my brother back!” he shouted, and it was the last thing anybody heard, because he slammed the munitions into the ground. For a single heartbeat, it seemed that his plan had failed . . . but a badly-packaged round triggered, and set the rest off in a terrible chain reaction.
✦✦✦✦✦
The Diamond Dogs were a new threat. Orders had come down for a spearhead of tanks to make an attack on the capital. The men weren't sure how they were supposed to get the tanks up the mountain, but they followed their orders anyway, racing across the low ground and blasting anything which crossed their path to oblivion. They hit a broad expanse of flat ground and stopped in a defensive formation while the supply vehicles caught up. The sky and ground were clear of threats; they could see around the tanks for miles. Nothing but small rocks, and a drone that followed their progress checked those out thoroughly.
All was well, until the first tank suddenly shifted, and dropped nose-first into the ground. A few brave soldiers got out of their tanks and began thumping on the ground, wondering if there were sinkholes or something. By the time the second and third tank had fallen into holes, they realized that this was no coincidence, and began their heroic retreat.
✦✦✦✦✦
“Sir! The second cavalry is calling for backup. Should we gear up?”
“Negative, soldier.” The commander’s eyes flashed green. “Maintain our position. It's another spoiler attack.”
“I can call down an airstrike,” the soldier protested.
“Our planes are committed elsewhere.” The commander patted him on the shoulder. “I know it's hard, but we won't succeed If we stretch too thin. If you love me, you'll follow my orders.”
“Um . . . yes sir?”
"Tell me, does you . . . our army know of changelings?"
"What's a changeling?"
✦✦✦✦✦
“Uh, Twi?” Applejack looked at the frazzled alicorn warily. “What is it you're doin' again?”
“Parasprites!” Twilight looked up at the farmer with bloodshot eyes.
“Y'all know that last time they ate half the food in Ponyville, and near destroyed mah farm. I ain't too comfortable with this.”
“Well, these won't.” Twilight rubbed her hooves together, then tapped the bell jar gently. “These have a special spell cast on them. They only eat one thing.”
“Let me guess—gunpowder?”
“Huh.” Twilight’s eye twitched. “I guess that would have worked, too.”
✦✦✦✦✦
The first Apache helicopter through the portal lasted three days. It chewed up the streets of Canterlot, almost entirely unopposed. Unlike the F-35s, it could dart around like the pegasi, and needed no runway to land at. Equipped with a Faraday shield around the body of the helicopter, and EMP-resistant avionics, spells just bounced harmlessly off of it, and the poor unicorn who announced himself by casting a spell was dispatched with extreme prejudice.
Until one of them discovered that it was possible to grab only the rotor in a telekinetic field. True, he could only hold it for a second, but that was long enough for the delicate blades to disintegrate and turn the helicopter into a very expensive rock.
✦✦✦✦✦
President Cheney paced around the Oval Office. The news from his generals was bad. The troops weren't losing—but they weren't winning, either. Their Princess had offered several peace treaties, and he had ordered his diplomats to reject them all. “Tell them,” he snapped at Secretary of State Cammy White, “that we are gravely concerned for their flagrant disregard for human life, and if they persist in their attacks against our troops, we will have no choice but to launch a nuclear weapon at one of their cities.” He fell briefly silent as the message was relayed. “We should probably pick something small to start with,” he mused aloud. “Something which will strike terror in their hearts, but leave their leaders alive to surrender to us. It's about time we play hardball with these ponies.” He looked up at the ashen face of his Secretary of State.
“Mr. President? She replied—and I quote—'Thus far, civilians on your side have not been involved in large numbers. Should you chose to use your so-called 'nuclear' option on one of our cities, I will have no choice but to respond with our 'fusion' option. My sister has proposed seeing if I can control your sun well enough to make a mile-wide straight-line path from Los Angeles to Washington D.C. with a small portion of your sun. She irreverently calls it “Bowling for Humans.” That is kinder than her earlier suggestion of reuniting the moon with the Earth.
“'If you surrender now, lay down your arms, and quickly abandon all hopes of conquest, I will not do this, and I will also prevent Discord from going through the portal. If you do not . . . Mr. President, do you have any idea what Chaos really is?'”
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I normally like your fics.
But this one, I can safely say, I did not like it.
This story amused me. I honestly thought the changelings would offer their services to the US, but meh...how you used them was just as funny (if not better).
I laughed until my smartphone ran out of power. (Seriously, I'll be surprised if I can get to the "post" button after typing this.)
(Wow)
Hey, just out of mere curiosity, we can use the discount cards to buy gum, then immediately quit the army, right?
You know, play you all for chumps.
Correct, there are no obligations, unless of course, war were declared. [siren sounds]
What was that?
War were declared.
Also, NB4 lordofmyth brings his infectious diarrhea of the mouth to this fic and Alondro brings his "I'm Better Than You Because I'm A "Scientist"" Narcissism to this fic
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This is going to get SO MUCH butthurt from Humans are Superior, and I will laugh at their tears. Those people have become worse than the misanthropes they formed to oppose, and it's fics like this that make me happy.
You see, the Equestria we see in the show obviously would fare... poorly against the USA army, but the Equestria we see is also an incomplete version. You can imagine a complete Equestria vs humans however you want, and the outcome can, therefore, be whatever you want. And something like this makes me happy... though I'm a little confused about the 'ingesting a piano from the clouds' bit. What happened there?
The phoenixes were also a lovely touch, as was the cockatrice enchanted with Want It Need It. Holy shit, that would be terrifying. Also convincing the changelings to sabotage any attempts at coordination, Diamond Dog terrain wrecking, etc. And of course, all sorts of headcanons revolve around the alicorns sisters' ability to control the sun and moon, from 'they're just projections on the sky' to 'they can move them, but their special talent means they don't need as much force' to 'they really are capable of hauling celestial bodies through the sky with their minds'.
Have a fucking favorite and a like, you magnificent bastard!
5097020
Fair enough! It's not meant to be taken seriously (obviously).
I have nothing but the highest respect for the men and women who serve in our armed forces, doing a job that I am utterly unqualified for. I have somewhat less respect for the politicians who give the orders.
5097023
I was torn on that, but I figured that the changelings would rather go with the devil they knew than the one they did not.
Also, why isn't there a changeling emoticon? Somebody should tell Knighty to get on that.
5097029
5097030
I would have been disappointed if nobody commented on the title.
c1.staticflickr.com/7/6041/6227210458_15d4c5954b.jpg
5097074 I think the plane flew through a cloud house. It had a piano. Who knows what else went through the engine intakes? China? Silverware? Pony porn magazines?
I think there could be a story alone on a plane flying through some random pegasus' house.
5097086 We need the evil Chrysalis grin. It's epic.
5097074
As the upvote/downvote ratio already shows.
Flew through a pegasus cloudhouse. It's canon that some pegasi have pianos, so....
My own views on a war between Equestria and Earth are far more complicated than what's presented in this show. One of these days, I'm going to make a blog post on that topic (and it'll be a long one); if I remember, I'll link this story.
Well, personally I found this to be quite amusing. And, while I love my country, I'm rather obligated to root for Equestria in this one.
Eh. I could probably debate things for a few pages, but it's just a non-serious one shot, so, no real harm done. I do disagree with the outcome...
But I will heartily agree about the politician thing.
5097103
That sounds like something I've read before. It might actually be the first story I favved.
5097124
Yeah, one of these days I'm going to write a long blog post on the subject. It won't have conclusive answers, since we've not seen enough of Equestria to confirm much about society outside of Ponyville.
One thing I will say, though, is that a war like this would likely hinge on logistics, and how much could get through the portal between the worlds.
5097138
I'll agree with that. Logistics are frigging important to any war machine.
It'd come down to exactly what kind of contact it was, though. Is it just portals? If so, who controls the portals? Is Equestria from the same dimension/universe? Does magic even affect people from Earth? Etc, etc. Really depends on the writer, I suppose, since we'll never actually get to see it in real life...
5097076
It was more kind of the ending that did it in for me.
And the Phoenixes.
5097161
Yeah, there are so many possible permutations, there really can't be a definitive answer. The only good human and pony war story I've read (and the two sides weren't fighting each other) was Stardust by Arad.
The problem with trying to parody those hyper-jingoistic military wankery fics is it can easily come across as one of the misanthropic hate fantasies instead.
Basically, in trying to mock Michael Bay, you accidentally landed at Michael Moore.
5097165
That was inspired by the vague threat of Celestia sending the sun at Earth in Arad's Stardust.
Got the idea from the incendiary bat-bombs we tried to use in WWII.
5097216
Eh, I've done worse.
I'll only really regret this if the story hits the feature box, and everyone feels compelled to comments on it, or if it becomes the next peachfic.
On the plus side, it could potentially inspire someone to write a good Equestria vs. Earth fic.
I have to fight so hard not to talk about all the weird assumptions people make to write an Equestria vs humans story. It's hard not to assign anyone who writes one to Team Human or Team Pony.
Edit: I never really considered Diamond Dogs though. Do we have tactics for something that can practically swim through ground?
5097216
A piano? Just about every aircraft Ive ever seen cant even handle getting hit by a pidgeon, never mind a frozen chicken.
Rolls Royce has some injestion resistant engnes, bu are refusing to release them for use in existing aircraft. Something about their 40% greater fuel efficincy not worth being put into carbon fibre aircraft with a 10% better flight capability.
Also, the smallest fighter bomber you can shove through a portal should be the Marines Harriers. After all, they can be used to a certain limited extent before you even get the wings and tail back on. If you are crazy enough.
What did you expect to get when a Pegasus engine flies through a Pegasus cloud house. A Microwave?
EDIT
Before getting into the high level stuff, the trick with the rotorblades was very nice, but so is a spell designed to auto target a rock into the immediate vecinity of the fastest moving object in the region of transmission, or to follow the gradient of greatest complexity and swap out the CPU? I remmeber reading astory many years ago, where one of the teleporters could only do a very short range, very tiny swap in place port.
Its suprising how quickly modern technology stops working when a piece of CPU is swapped with say the heart valve of the pilot.
5097337
If I ever did a serious Pony vs. Human story, I'd research the hell out of it. Right now, my inclination is that the invading force (Humans in Equestria or Ponies on Earth) would ultimately lose, due to the home team having the military advantage, and massive supply and logistical problems for the invaders. But we don't see enough in the show to draw a firm conclusion, and there's a fair bit of headcanon when it comes to what the ponies can or cannot do, especially given the limited perspective of the show.
5097086 I don't know what you mean. They're all Changeling emoticons.
5097340
I picked the F-35 since one forum thread I read confidentially predicted that it was capable of winning a war all by itself.
5097337
We've got some kinds of ground-penetrating radar (satellite based, and maybe portable), and you could probably triangulate them with siesmographs or sonar.
For stopping them, an untrasonic weapon might work (they're dog-like), or in the right terrain, it might be possible to liquefy the ground and drown them. IIRC, we've had trouble with insurgents in caves, so I don't think we have a handy, never-fail method of wiping out underground troops.
EDIT: flooding the tunnels might be an option, too. Either with water, or with a heavier-than-air gas.
5097366
Yup, but once the body of a Harrier is though, you can weld drop tanks to it in minutes and have it running flights of a couple minutes at least on pure vector thrust, even while the whings are still coming through.
I just wish I could write up the stories of The Qrawler, in such a way that they would be acceptable here. Its how a Gary Stu should be, and all the stuff is worked out beforehand. Even to pointing out which currently existing Earth based technology Im using.
Such as Caltechs Phaser Banks.
I have to ask - what parasprites were to eat at first? Soylent Green?
You dared to make fun of American way: Peace Through Superior Firepower - what did you expect? Cookies? :)
---
Typo:
The the first unicorn had come through.
Orders had come down for a spearhead of tanks to make an attack on the capitol.
- capital
The Capitol: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capitol
It's another spoiler attack.
- feigned attack (?) (if not intentional/or real military term?)
Zose infidels! Zey vill rue ze day zey claimed zey vere better zan us! To war, and show no mercy!
5097232
AHAHAHAHAHA!
5097411
I seem to remember an Asimov(?) fic where robots showed the prideful Jovians up. The robots, who failed to mention that they were artificial constructs, led the Jovians to believe that all humanity was that powerful.
5097441
You may want to avoid the upcoming Mares of Diomedes.
Yes?
First two corrected.
I have heard this used in the sense of a fake attack in order to draw forces from the real attack. Whether that's a term in real military usage or not, I don't know . . . but Chrysalis woudn't, either.
5097501
If this story gets dozens of Futurama-themed comments, I'll be happy.
Fudge it, I'm upvoting this out of pure spite. I did wonder how badly some readers would cry about a story that dares to promote Equestria's military capability. Doesn't look all that bad though, which is good to see.
I can just imagine the generals back home:
"What do you mean, 'they've weaponized the local insects against us'?!"
5097340
I'm wondering whether a chopper would be even simpler to take down. Just a couple well-placed rocks levitated in the way of the of the rotor components. Or maybe a ball of fine grit sand pressed liberally into the mechanism while in service.
How durable are the components anyway?
Have an upvote, this was funny.
5097554
Pretty badly; initial voting was 2:1 against.
Or in the intakes for the turbines. If turbines can't handle a bird, they won't take rocks, either.
That takes longer. A British Airways 747 accidentally flew through a volcanic ash cloud (pumice is very abrasive), and they were able to restart 3 of the 4 engines. All four had to be replaced after landing, but the engines worked well enough to land the plane. We've also got experience with dealing with sand (Desert Storm, whatever the latest operations in Iraq are called....)
5097580
Some people need a sense of humor. Badly.
True, true. I hadn't gotten around to remembering all the sand our military has put up with.
Though it still sounds like you should never underestimate a Well-Placed Rock (+1).
5097554
If you wanted to be really nasty, why not use pitch and sap covered capture nets thrown from trebuchets.
Lets see you see a wood device under forest cover where the operator is pulling a cord while hid underground. All classic Earth combat stuff.
5097535
That story was hilarious. One wanders into the ultra high tech research lab with a vat of molten iron, as in new secret metallurgy, and dips its finger in to check, then pulls it out totally unharmed, while in a dense cryo hydrogen atmosphere, then the oldest, and clumsiest one accidentally rips off the heavy vehicular door.
Then when leaving, and the Jovians are asking how they handle the pressure change. Oh, we dont, the ships open to space. We dont have to breathe.
5097667
Have you ever read The High Crusade by Poul Anderson? They launched nukes from trebuchets.
5097648
Totally agree.
Let's see, I can either go on about how this fic is going to get so much flak from the Humans are Superior group and about the cyclical nature of misanthropy, philanthropy, and "human supremacism" and it's associated tropes in this fandom and try to promote positive discussion in this fanfic's comment sections...
Or I can just post a short youtube video of what everyone is thinking.
Eh, the author asked for Futurama. Futurama he shall get.
5097710
Well, it's gone from 2:1 against, to 2:1 for, so that's a good thing I guess. Maybe early viewers had their sense of humor shot off in the war?
And if I can't poke fun at my country now and then, what's the point of writing at all?
cdn.head-fi.org/7/7d/900x900px-LL-7de67ac2_202.jpg
5097688
Where do you think I got the idea from.
Talk about stealth weaponry.
I still need to do the full, proper and detailed maths on The Qrawlers primary silent weapon system. Quad Flour Bomb Howizer Morters. Theres a whole range of effects that can be done with them, Ill let you think of what comes from the Baker Street Irregulars.
This story was pretty hilarious.
It's pretty interesting to see how the humans handled all the little things they would have to deal with. Feeding a piano to a jet certainly wasn't something most likely covered in engineering.
5097782
Aerosol bombs of any sort can be lots of fun. I DMed a campaign where one of the traps was a dark room filled with finely-ground flour, and the only exit under the flour. It was easy enough to dig, but the party only had conventional, open-flame torches.
It didn't end well for them.