• Member Since 3rd Nov, 2011
  • offline last seen May 31st, 2015

Steelhooves


T

A person wakes up in a forest with no memories at all, now when you combine this with the gear he woke up in he's very suspicious of who he is...

Chapters (7)
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Comments ( 54 )

Trust me reading my own story this is my only conclusion :facehoof::facehoof:

Whuhohohoho!
Damn another military pony fic, thisbis better than thw shit I write!
Nice man, continue it111111ONE111!!!!!:pinkiehappy:

Much potential lies within. Just the lack of commas gets really annoying. It causes the whole thing to run together into a long, semi-coherent mess. You'll need to work on that.
Also, though this is more a personal qualm, italicizing thoughts helps make them easier to identify.

Yep, besides some missing commas this story has a lot of potential. Keep it up!!

#5 · Nov 19th, 2011 · · · 1 ·

this is really good :ajsmug:

make more :raritydespair:

More! :pinkiecrazy:

MORE! :flutterrage:

Interesting. I look forward to seeing what happens next.

34978 I'll keep that in mind thats for commenting! :pinkiehappy:

34974 Thanks I'll try not to mess this up too badly :twilightblush:

#9 · Nov 19th, 2011 · · · 1 ·

As a soldier, be careful on what you give this guy. A twelve-inch knife, isn't a knife, it's a machete and that's not something you'd want to use in combat. A five inch blade should be the longest you'd want for melee, as anything longer starts to get in the way of itself. Bigger doesn't always mean better when it comes to knives/melee weapons.

BTW: US Army issues the M9 Beretta (9mm) to almost all soldiers, and I think the USMC issues the M1911A1 (.45 ACP) to its Marines (I'm Army, not Marines). I have no clue if the USAF or the USN issues sidearms to anyone under Officer rank (or at all). SOCOM/JSOC members are the only ones that I know of that are issued different kit (slang: gear), to the best of my knowledge. I'm curious as to what branch this warrior belongs to. Doesn't seem like act like a Marine, to heavily equipped for USAF or Navy, not equipped enough for SOCOM/JSOC or other Spec Ops forces... Money's on Army eleven-Bravo (11-B is infantryman specialty).

Overall, this has got some good potential. You've got my attention, let's see where you go with this. Anything that I saw that needed fixing has been mentioned previously in regards to spelling/grammar, and good work with that. It was mostly clean of those errors.

35017 Now I feel afraid, I should have done more research on what my character is before I started this. Still though thanks for reading and sorry if I mess up :twilightblush:

#11 · Nov 19th, 2011 · · · 1 ·

35060 Lol, trust me. I nit-pick about this stuff just because it's what I grew up with. I come from a military family, and military weapons, vehicles, and gear became my hobby. Shouldn't be too surprising that I ended up joining the Army.

Don't feel too bad about it, every time I come across a military in Equestria story, I nit pick about the same thing. This is by far one of the better ones that I have read. At least you're not calling a Marine a soldier, or a soldier a Marine (some warriors take offense to that stuff).

If anything, consider it a good ol' fashion, military style ribbing. A lot of these kinds of things you don't really learn unless you join, or are around those that have/are.

35151 I'm only 17 but have aspirations to join, but I know the difference between the marines and army so don't worry I won't mix'em up :pinkiesmile: and feel free to message me anything you could share about military life it would help alot :raritystarry:

35159 Just let me know what you need, and I'll help out where I can. Besides, there ain't too much of an age difference as I'm only 20.

Chapter 2 guys sorry for the delay, but I have to study and that on the weekends and I don't have alot of time durring the week. :fluttershysad:

Oh and please feel free to tell me how I can improve it :twilightsheepish:

One piece of critical gear I just remembered that is missing, which can easily be explained in the MC's back story, dog tags. I honestly can't believe I forgot about the dog tags, especially since I never take mine off :facehoof: (And just to pass along information to those who don't know, dog tags are a pair of thin, metal tags that have information on them to help identify a body of a fallen soldier if the body is damaged beyond recognition, and the info is listed in this order: Last name on the first line, First name and middle initial on the second line, social security number on the third, blood type on the forth, and religion on the fifth.)

It's important to remember that you can't have the dialogs of two different characters in one paragraph. It makes it a little difficult to follow. Other than that, your doing great and this story has quite a bit of potential! Keep it up!:twilightsmile:

36281 In the first chapter my guy searched himslef for ID remember he found nothing :twilightblush:

36282 Thanks for the tip, live and learn :pinkiehappy:

36292 I remember, it's just you never take the dog tags off, unless you're dead, and then you only take one and leave the other on the corpse. The question is, why did they get removed... (BTW: operating off less than an hour of sleep, excuse the rambling and discombobulated thoughts. College life plus Army life equals h*** on sleep schedule...Or lack thereof)

I'm going to try and catch about ten minutes of sleep before I have to get back to work... I might be able to keep coherent thoughts together then... Maybe... :ajsleepy:

So, recruited by the US Corps, or the British Royal Marines?
Or the International Forces?
Curious.

interesting

Nice>>35199 I like this guy he's chill and a military bronie even better. Im not much of a moder military personal. but when it comes to melee and other stuff that came before black powder i am your man. I am am 17 and probably know more about swords armor and the make then most of you history experts. I can also make most of the stuff used back then given I have the time and resources.:pinkiesmile:

36846 Thanks for the compliment, and I have to say I've only met one other person who has (and still does) make medieval-style melee weapons. It's really impressive, while the only ability I have is just the ability to question why the US government is willing trust me with a multimillion dollar M1A2 tank, but not a civilian pistol...

Hey bro, sorry it took me so long to get to this. I've been busy, okay? :ajbemused:

Anyway, I went ahead and proof-read and edited the first chapter for you, like you asked. (I don't think I'll be able to get to the second at this time.) Keep in mind: You're the writer, I'm just the editor. If you choose to use the version I edited, feel free to make changes to your liking.

I see a lot of potential in this story and I'm keeping an eye on it. One thing needs to be said though: Your grammar could really use some improvement :twilightsheepish:

Keep it up! :pinkiehappy:

41489 Trying to post a link, but I think FimFiction filtered it out or something. Sending you a link to the edited chapter in a PM :derpytongue2:

41490 Thanks man I appreciate it, but I think I may end it here. :scootangel:
I feel like :pinkiesick::twilightangry2::twilightoops::flutterrage::ajsleepy: all at once for the past week, losing my notes on chapter 3 didn't help me either.

41511 It happens to all of us. Last week I just couldn't get back to work in my college courses all week. Take some time off. It'll all come back to you. This supposed to be fun for all involved, not work.

Whuuu, cliffhanger lol.:rainbowwild:

There's a few grammatical errors here and there through this chaper. For example, you used their instead of they're at one point in the chapter. Along with that, you should split up the different lines of speech instead of having it all in one paragraph, it's much easier to read that way :pinkiecrazy:

#30 · Nov 27th, 2011 · · · 3 ·

Y U NO HAVE MOAR VIEWS!
ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)

Great story eagerly awaiting the next chapter!

42604 :eeyup:
42615 Thanks for the unput, I'll try and improve on that :facehoof:
42724 lol thanks :pinkiehappy:
42913 Thanks mate :twilightsmile:

♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪

Sorry for the lousy chapter guys, my heads been out of it for the last two weeks...sorry.

I like where this story is going keep up the good work

Alright, I don't know much along the lines of military, but story writing is my thing...

And I can see a few things that would be changed:
"A dull throbbing in my head told me that I was awake, groaning I opened my eyes only to immediatly shut them having the suns rays beat down on me." Try being more descriptive and less 'blank'. Try using something along the lines of:

"I woke up to a dull throbbing, (Be blunt here, then after the comma be slightly humorous) not the best thing to wake up to but I'd admit that the pain told me I was alive. (This gives the character a sense of humor, and connection to the audience.) Groaning, (It's a good idea to start a new sentence with a simple action before a different one, to ease flow.) I slowly opened my eyes, only to immediately shut them again as sunlight flooded my vision. (This has a more descriptive feel to it, it almost makes the reader flinch themselves, providing that they know the feeling themselves.)"

Make sure to Italicize thoughts, and the next section could've been worded out better:
"Grudgingly (a comma should go here) I opened my eyes and began to take in my surroundings (from lying on the floor?). I was in a forest clearing, it was early morning and the sun was just begining (beginning**) to rise(... wait... early morning?? and the light was blinding him? I suggest time change...), yet it was far brighter than I had expected (This is okay, but could be changed a tad, and add 'motion of thought' (how someone figures something out) into it). For some strange reason (try to avoid that phrase... PLEASE)I was dressed in what appeared to be matt (matt or matte?) black combat armour (British way of spelling armor... either that or Armour & Co. meat packing...), beside me lay a heavily customized M4A1 carbine (Ignore me if I'm wrong here but shouldn't it be M4A1 Carbine?)... wait how do I know this? I thought to myself and why am I here? Wait where is here?! (Italicize thoughts)"
(Now to use the 'awesomeness filter' section of my brain where I translate this into something a tad more awesome.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~Engaging Filter~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~Done~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I shielded my eyes from the sun (People always seem to forget that the first thing you would do after closing your eyes from a blinding light is to use your arm to shield it) with my arm as I grudgingly opened them. I sat up while I rubbed my eyes, Why did that hurt? I thought to myself as I moved my hand away from my face. I seemed to have combat gloves on, I inspected the rest of my attire and noticed that I was wearing a matte black combat suit. I looked to the ground on my left, (Also another instinctive thing to do... looking the the left first) and noticed a rather thoroughly customized M4A1 Carbine sitting next to me, I picked it up and examined it. A 'red dot' sight on the attachment rail, body strap, fore grip, the looks of the clip tells me that it is extended, could hold around 45 to 50 5.56mm ro... I paused for a second, How do I know this? Come to think of it... I looked at what I was wearing and thought it was perfectly normal to be wearing combat armor... Never mind that for now... I put the body strap over my head and slid the gun around my back... It felt so normal. I looked around, finally taking in my surroundings, I was surrounded by trees, there were sounds of creatures lurking in the darkness. It looked like I was in a forest clearing, forest clearing or not it still begged the questions, Where the hell am I? How'd I get here?, or more importantly, Why am I here?.

Now I'd love to go further with this but I don't have the time or energy to continue, this is not my absolute best but it's something... And something is my favorite:pinkiehappy:!

Don't be discouraged, I could only do that because you made the base work.

Oh and take this advice... If you loose a piece of work, it's because the cosmic forces knows that it's not your best and you can do better. The second time around is always the better!:pinkiehappy:

EssMan out.

As I've heard from others "The more comments you get the more you learn." So leave your impression be it good or bad :twilightsmile:

Hate to say it, but this needs some work with spelling and grammar. Another quick thing to note is that, "Sir, Yes Sir," is incorrect. That phrase is never used outside of Basic/Boot/Academies. If you want, I can send you an edited version... If you want that is...

148887 You know what, that would be great.

This is great work.
If there is any problem it's this- the waiting time between updates. But that's a minor issue.

IN THEIR TONGUE, HE IS DOVAKIIN, DRAGONBORN!
Am I really the only one who made that connection?

Cool chapter bro.

Can't wait for the next one. :pinkiehappy:

186357 Fastest response ever...

Great chapter! good plot line, no errors, and...A CLIFFHANGER??? GAAAH!!! WHY????????
Looking forward to the next update!

♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪

Good story, interested to see where it leads.

This may be taken down to be re-done, please give opinions on this chapter.

FIRST NON-WRITER COMMENTER!!!

148887 In the US military yes. In the Royal Guards of Equestria on the alien planet in a geocentric solar system in an alien dimension filled with alien ponies.... you don't know WHAT the buck their disciplinary protocols consist of.:twilightangry2:

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