Babs Seed gets an interesting letter from Apple Bloom that may change how she views her family.
Big thanks to Bad_Seed_72 for pre-reading and editing.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 3rd May, 2014
- offline last seen May 9th, 2019
Derpator
Near a tree by a river there's a hole in the ground.
Derpator
Joined 3rd May, 2014 ·
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Best CMC and Best G1 Pony!
4668185
Awesome work and a great story :)
Okay, this was cute, extremely, amazingly, and whole heartedly cute. You may have a like, favorite, and a follow.
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/257/840/df9.png
A cute story with a sweet ending.
Cuuuute
This earns a fav and a like due to the fact that you are exploring post-episode effects.
the writers basically give people like us a whole lot to go on and I loved the way you had Babs react to the news. She was slightly disbelieving before the rest of the story rolled off the page and had me cheering. Good work mate.
"Discomfort" is not a verb.
Unless Babs' mouth is extending away from her face, "protruding" is being used incorrectly.
You might want to phrase "the part her cousin injected with" as "the part where her cousin interjected."
"The Babs's"? I think you mean "Babs'".
Teeth don't titter. I'd suggest "He tittered..."
I don't get how "whimpering" is "remaining strong".
I think you mean "searing", and "it still hurt regardless" is redundant. I suggest eliminating either "still" or "regardless".
I suggest "Babs' jaw fell open" or "Babs' mouth was agape."
This makes it sound like Surprise just finished growing her wings. "Cream and majestic" should probably be "majestic cream" or "majestic, cream-colored". Plus, Surprise is still a filly, so I doubt her wings are all that "majestic".
Euphuism is "a peculiar mannered style of English prose," according to Wikipedia. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I think you mean "all that she could wish for."
Also, as a general note, the possessive form of Babs is Babs', not Babs's. You make this mistake 6 times.
4672323
Maybe not, but "Discomforted" can be used as one in the past tense.
Changed. I saw protruding as projecting, thus showing off her smile. Guess it might have been used slightly in the wrong context.
Rephrased. Didn't see much wrong with it, but your suggestion makes it sound better.
Left another typo in... fixed.
Because I forgot to put "But" in front of the "She". Another fix.
Bah, another typo. Fixed the searing. I can see the redundancy. Removed "still".
Don't see anything wrong with it. The jaw is still applying to the mouth in the context.
Fair point. Changed it to "cream-coloured wings majestically".
Wrong word usage on my part. Changed it to "nature".
Changed. Also fixed each possessive form.
Still need to work on my own proofing. Thanks for finding these.
We're family, but so much moooooooo-oooooore!
No matter what comes, we will face the weather!
We're Apples toooooo the coooooooore!!!
Now, if you'll excuse me...
*ahem*
HHHHHHNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG—*ded from beetus*
4672594
Fair point. It just sounds weird to me.
True, but in my head it sounds like her jaw is open. Her mouth can be open. Her jaw does not have moving parts or holes that can be opened.
It still sounds like Surprise just finished growing her wings, as in they have just finished developing or have just shown up. "Spread" or "unfurled" might be a better choice.
Glad to help!
"towards Surprise as fast as she could, taking a refuge."
*refugee
"Surprises’s look of joy was infectious "
Surprises's??
"Taking a quick glimpse at the Pegasus"
There's not a dot there. Pegasus shouldn't have a capital p.
"Baba looked over to see Surprise standing tall beside them"
Baba? I think you meant Babs.
Nice Babs story. She was well portrayed in this one. She may be confident with strangers and stuff, but acting tough in front of the more hardened bullies she deals with on a daily basis? Yeah, this is more what I'd see her dealing with.
Nice story, so hard to find likable Babs stories around. Last one I read ironically had to do with Diamond Tiara running away from home to look for her Mom in Manehatten. Sadly, that amazing story hasn't updated since forever now. As all good running stories I end up liking usually turn out.
Keep up the good work!
1. I like how Apple (possibly Pie
) Bloom doesn't write with her accent.
2. Odaeopgas??
Let's see... if Applejack's great-aunt Applesauce is a 4th cousin twice removed from a Pie family member. Assuming that that member isn't Pinks, and also assuming that the generations of both families are similar in length across the board, we can infer that Applesauce shared a 3x great-grandparent with a Pie's 5x great-grandparent or vice versa. Which would make Applejack and Pinkie 7th/9th cousins
Come on everyone/pony, sing along!
[youtube=http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9R7Xt7BW6I0]
Awesome story! 5 points on the.....
itude meter. (I'm trying out names.)
In other words
i.imgur.com/nzapftb.png
Twilight's Library is just one of about a dozen groups I added this story to.
In other words, I liked it and I think more people should read it.
4674060
It was meant to mean taking a refuge, as in Babs took cover by Surprise, not Surprise hiding her.
Nope... totally didn't just edit that.
Pegasus or pegasus are both right. It's down to personal preference.
Good snipe. Fixed.
How do I keep missing these things? Thanks.
4675626
Yeah, Babs is rather underused. Which is why this fic is only better with Surprise, another underused character. As Pinkie and Surprise are identical too, it gave me the idea of using Surprise as a Pie. And then I figured, does Babs know about the family relation? She disappeared after Season 3, and after Pinkie Apple Pie, I would have thought Apple Bloom would love to share that information. And since it was never brought up in the show... I got to it.
4675974
Who writes an accent? That just seems tedious. Why even go to the effort of writing in an accent? Apple Bloom would intentionally be messing with Babs if she did. Unless... she meant to.
As for the odaeopgas, if you didn't pick up on it, you have to imagine the scene. Apple Bloom was writing, but then Pinkie came around and interfered, the pen going haywire on the paper. It's hard to show it, but that's what it meant.
I never even bothered trying to figure out the cousin chain. It's just too much to go through, and it's confusing as anything.
Glad you enjoyed the story though, and obligatory link for song:
4676592 A hearty three hooves up from me on that! (Four, and I would fall over.) Congrats to you, Derpator!
The funny thing was that when Surprise says "Babsy!!" I thought "Surprise'!"
Well, i was right, but not quite in the context i thought.
Well done and cute! Despite being a CMC, Babs is underused unfortunately. Its nice to see her being used, particularly in a situation that adheres to canon. Great job!
Excellent work. Good use of Babs (who is long past due for a return to the show proper, I think), and a charming story.
For some reason, I picture Surprise in the same lanky body Fluttershy had as a filly.
How could anyone down vote this? It was AWESOME. I don't even.
I have to say, the narrative voice in this story really threw me for some reason; it really didn't seem to quite fit the story.
I'm just gonna go vomit rainbows at how adorable this is.
A very enjoyable and sweet story. Surprise was... not really a surprise to me, for some reason that was my first guess as soon as she mentioned knowing a Pie there. My one real complaint was the pacing felt a little off... well, maybe not pacing, per se, but rather there was too much repetition. We're told repeatedly what a Pie or an Apple does, and no less than three paragraphs are spent just on how Surprise is a good hugger. Don't get me wrong, it's a minor nit to pick, but it happened just often enough throughout that I kept feeling I'd lost my place and was accidentally re-reading a line or three.
Still though, great job with the characters, and I like the extrapolation you did to work outward from the original episode to this. Thanks!
We're family but so much mooooo-oooooore
No matter what comes we will face the weather
We're apples to the core
Eeyup
Congratulations sir/ma'am! Your story has met set of criteria that..ookay, look. I reviewd your story for TGB (The Goodfic Bin), and I must say that I quite enjoyed it. Love how it speaks to family love. We all need to be more connected with our families. So here you are with a ribbon for your acceptance into the Bin (now that I say that it sounds like your story is crap, nevermind that...).
i.imgur.com/GizVyc0.png
Jump for joy, you've earned it!
If you would like to see your review click here
This was rather adorable. Very SoL indeed, but luckily I'm happy with that, so it gets a like anyway.
7162077
Funnily enough, I was pointed towards your Louder Yay blog and was told that you reviewed this story a few days before you posted here. I was happy receiving 3 stars, given how self-critical I am and that every one of my stories could be vastly improved. I know this comment is 7 weeks late, but I just forgot about it.
Thanks a lot for reading and the kind words.
7311819 Oh, doesn't every writer think all their stories could be vastly improved? Why would we bother writing any more otherwise?
But you're welcome, of course. My marking system being what it is, I use two stars for average, so three means a fic I enjoyed more than most. :)
Really brings a smile to my face. Nice little one shot.