Your friendly local hollow eyed demon baby.
The Writers' Group56,400 stories ·9,291 members
Luna Is The Best Pony4,630 stories ·7,265 members
Protect Celestia1,762 stories ·1,945 members
Celestia admires Luna. But she does not envy her. The night turns to day once again, and Celestia remembers, and reflects.
She may not have Luna's strength. But she would not trade her gift for all the world.
Seattle's Angels review can be found here, PaulAsaran's "Paul's Thursday Reviews" review here.
Page generated in 0.117 seconds
Total duration
1,013 users online
1,775,720 hits today, 2,244,100 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I can safely say that, yes, your writing does have merit. This is a lovely story, and you beautifully captured Celestia's character. I'm always interested in how different authors play out the Princess' backstory (was Celestia always there raising the sun, etc?) and this is one of the more unique ones I've read.
Huh... lovely take on her first raising of the Sun. I don't think I've ever seen it done this way, and I know I definitely didn't. I really loved your descriptions of Luna and Celestia... it even sort of explained Celestia's inactivity during crises like the return of Nightmare Moon, Discord, and the return of the Crystal Empire.
All in all, a wonderful story. Very descriptive, captivating, and with a remarkably small amount of grammatical errors-- actually, I didn't find any.
I see lot's of potential. I realize this is your first and you're stepping into new grounds by writing. You are a long ass-time lurker.
I thought you captured this idea of Celestia very well. there were three total grammar issues, but grammar is never important. I mean, your use of adjectives and metaphors are all great. Very intelligent story here.
I liked that little transition you did every now and then. While Celestia thought, it would temporarily go back to, "Oh yeah. Moon's going down. anyways," Cause...well...It's just simple and to the point.
I did not like that Celestia made a big point that Luna was so much stronger, yet she gave no examples of how. Maybe Celestia is just saying that, but in reality, they're equal? I'm not sure, but my point is. In Celestia's eyes, there must have been some event that happened where Luna was immediately designated as more powerful than her sister. That whole, "Almost dying" scene doesn't do it for me because, well...Luna didn't showcase power.
Other than that? Yeah. Just...yeah. I'll follow you and I'm eager to read more of your work! Hopefully you're able to slide in some sneaky stories before exams
....
No genre tag?
We come cut from the same cloth, Prime. Someday, when I've lurked, thumbed, and fave'd as many stories as you, I too desire to take the plunge and compose ideas into words into a publication.
I really enjoyed your maiden piece. Simple and elegant. I too wanted to know more about Luna in big, reserved sister's eyes. Pretty deep too; a well written origin story by an author with lots on their mind.
Until the next one, MP.
ps. Nice title.
Very fresh views on Celestia and Luna, one of the few where Celestia is acknowledged to be weaker than Celestia. I think that your writing has potential, and is, in fact, better written and far more engaging than most fictions on this site. I look forward to whenever you decide to put forth new works.
Did you not put in any genre tags on purpose?
I was absolutely blown away by your interpretation of sun raising. When I was done I noticed that my breathing had quickened. I was CAPTIVATED.
You've earned a like, favorite, and a follow.
Wow, I missed a lot after I went to sleep last night.
I suppose Slice of Life might work... EDIT: Slice of Life tag is now in place!
I appreciate the favourite and the follow. 
5018412
Kind of - I really couldn't think of one that would fit this piece. Unfortunately there's no "Character Exploration" tag.
Anyway, any thoughts on the story itself?
5017494
Thank you so much! That really means a lot, especially as I have read and enjoyed your own work, so I know you know what you're talking about! I'm glad I managed to capture Celestia's character, as that was one of the things I was worried I'd messed up.
5017875
As I said to Super Trampoline above, I couldn't really think of one that fit. I might add the Slice of Life tag though.
5017550
Thank you! I'm glad about the grammatical errors thing - I'm a bit obsessive about making sure I don't have any.
As for what you said about Celestia's inactivity, that was one of my inspirations for writing this story. The idea is that Celestia isn't actually very powerful, she is just a conduit - hence her inability to defeat Chrysalis, or do much during NMM/Discords return. I'm not sure how well I actually conveyed that here though - I might come back to this at some point and expand it.
5017600
Thanks for the long comment, and the compliments! I am indeed a "long ass-time lurker".
I'm glad you like the little transitions - I was personally quite proud of that little idea.
As for what you said about Luna just being made stronger - you may have a point. What I was trying to convey is that Luna moves a freaking massive piece of rock around the world every night, while Celestia doesn't actually move the sun - it's more like it moves through her. I also meant to imply that there is a reason Celestia was so useless in most major crises, and that is that she's not actually very powerful. As I said to Unbridled Dolly, I'm not sure how well I did this - I might go back and rework this one at a later date.
5018034
Thank you for the kind words and the follow - appreciate both of them a lot. I look forward to whatever you decide to eventually publish - PM me when you do, and I'll happily give it a read over (though don't expect too much actual criticism!). And the title was very deliberate - in Greek mythology, Hyperion is the father of Helios (the sun), Selene (the moon) and Eos (the dawn). I felt he would be a perfect representation of a higher being to the two sisters - in this case, the Sun itself.
5018103
Thank you so much! I think you meant that Celestia was weaker than Luna though, not herself.
5018691
Oh wow, I wasn't expecting to see you here. Thank you so much for the praise, the like, the favourite, AND the follow! It really means a lot - you are one of my favourite comedic authors on your site - the Swooty Bell series is pure genius.
EDIT:
Holy shit this has been added to a lot of groups.
5017600
I forgot to ask this previously - what were the grammatical errors you spotted?
5019741 do I get bonus points for replying on my phone? :p in obviously can't tell you what the errors were. XD not right now. When I get home today ;)
Hey man, no problem!! I promise I will read all your future work. I am kinda jealous though. My first story didn't get this much love :p whatever.
I feel like I should say something more...so here is mustache spike.
NOOOO the phone won't let me!!!! D: Damnit...
I'll follow you. Just because...I can.
5020282
Well thanks for the follow! And yes you do get bonus points for replying on your phone - this site is particularly finicky on phones I've found. And since your phone won't let you, I will input a moustache spike on your behalf:
5020332 ...mustache spike? For me? That is the sweetest thing <3 :333
5020337
5019741 No problem!
And I can relate to the obsession about good grammar-- though it isn't a particularly terrible thing to have. And I actually enjoyed the thing about Celestia being subtle like it was. Then again, your story, your call.
First off, congratulations on publishing your first story!:pinkie happy:
Now for the story itself.
As others have said, I found your reinterpretation of Luna as the stronger was interesting. Mainly since pretty much every story exploring that relationship says the exact opposite. I was a bit unsure when you started describing her as more of a scholarly shut it. HOWEVER... I thought it was very clever when you used that to describe her reason as a long term planner and chess master. Did you intend for that to also be a reason that she would connect so well with Twilight Sparkle? If so that's a nifty idea that makes a lot of sense.
I also loved your description about how vast the sun. Something we don't really think about. Really that whole sequence was excellently told truly showing how despite Celestias power, it pales in comparison with something as unknowable as our little yellow star. (Or their yellow star...)
In conclusion, an excellent first story. With interesting reinterpretation on pre conceived fan notions, a powerful description of everyones favorite star, a good insight into Celestia herself, and all with only six words of dialogue. Good job good sir.
I'm curious though. Why did you decide to call it Hyperion?
Unbridled Dolly may not have been able to find any grammar errors, but I have a sharper eye.
Sentence ends in a preposition. I know it's not a hard and fast rule, but still, I'm mentally correcting this to "some cosmic balance to which I am mysteriously attuned" as I read it.
Haha, no.
Outweigh is one word.
its. Also, since you capitalized this more than once, I'm guessing you were trying to treat "it" as a proper noun when it referred to the sun? From what I can tell, you shouldn't capitalize pronouns this way unless they refer to God.
sister's
nation's
A ctrl+f search for "sun" reveals this as the only non-capitalized instance.
Either there's a mistake somewhere in here, or I'm missing something.
And that's all I found.
Congrats on the first story! The rest don't come any easier, but now you've tasted blood.
5023509
I'm glad you caught that! I thought it would be nice way to tie things up.
Thank you very much for your kind words and the favourite. I'm really happy you like the story.
5023522
As for this question, well Hyperion in Greek mythology is the father of the divine representations of the Sun, Moon and Dawn - in other words, he is a being associated with the heavenly bodies, and yet above them. He's quite a unique figure in that sense, and is one of the more obscure of the 12 Titans. I thought that he made a perfect representation of how the Sun was a higher being to the Sisters.
5024115
Thanks for the help! The first two were on purpose - I'm a little more lax on ending sentences with a preposition, and dishevelment was just me being silly. I'll change them though.
I really hate autocorrect sometimes.
This was more of a stylistic choice, as I was trying to convey the Sun as a godly being - I'm not sure how well it worked, but I'm probably going to keep it for now. Honestly, I'm going to rework this at some point - there are a few things I'd like to change, and this will probably be one of them.
I do not remember writing that.
I'll fix it.
Thanks again! I'll get right on fixing those.
EDIT: ...Is the dishevelment one really that bad? I know it's grammatically atrocious, but I kind of like it.
5024409
Hmm, how to put this. It's like... overcooked spaghetti noodles. Sure, they're swollen a little too much and a lot softer than they should be, and ought to have been pulled off of the stove five minutes ago, but they don't really affect the flavor and it all goes down pretty much the same, so... wait, what was I talking about?
5024596
...Sooo it's incorrect, but doesn't
tasteread terribly?By the sound of your author's note, you're just like me.
5025567
I hope I got that right. Anyway, thanks for the favourite! 
Greetings my fellow person-in-need-of-a-confidence-boost/person-who-didn't-like-writing-as-a-kid!
Nicely done.
5032135
Why thank you!
With that line, you have received an instant upvote from me.
This is a beautiful story.
reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/slow_clap_citizen_kane.gif
Thanks for writing!
As far as your "Author's Notes" are concerned:
I don't think I can say this with enough emphasis, but...
YES!
Also, that first paragraph in the AN could fit me fairly well (except for the angsty songfics, I haven't even done that much).
5084364
I'm glad you noticed that line - it's one I'm pretty pleased with.
Thank you very much for the (very large!) vote of confidence, and the favourite!
As for what you said about the authors note, well it's nice to know I'm not the only one! It was pretty intimidating to write this, when I knew that half the authors on this site have been writing since they were 5 or something. Anyway, if you ever do feel the urge to write something, I'd be happy to pre-read or edit for you.
5086135
As for that line, would you mind if I 
You are most welcome for that little vote of confidence.
stoleborrowed it for if/when I come up with an idea where it could fit?As far as I can tell, it seems like the other half of the author's here only started writing precisely because of these ponies.
Also, IF I ever do put horse words to a keyboard, I will definitely keep your pre-reader/editor offer in mind. 
(p.s. I wrote both my previous comment and this one using my phone, but don't bother giving me bonus points. I have limited access to a computer, so the majority of the time when I'm browsing FiMfiction, I'm using my phone. I've even come to memorize most of the emoticons!
)
5088546
You've memorised the emoticons? That's pretty impressive.
Now, about borrowing that line - well, it kind of depends. It's not like I've copyrighted it or anything, but if you do use it I'd appreciate it if you used it in a different context, or at the very least credited me for it in the authors notes or something. Honestly, I'd recommend just not using it - it's much more satisfying when everything you've written is your own words.
5090624
but I sometimes mix them up a little and forget to add that unnecessary 2 on a couple of them 
(there is only one, possibly two, emoticons that might need that)... Thankfully, there is a way for mobile users to figure out the emoticons. 
For some reason, when viewing somebody's profile page, it shows up just like the desktop version and has the emoticon list next to the comment section, right where it should be. 
Yeah, I really have memorized most of them,
You make a valid point about borrowing lines.
Aside from that point, however, I doubt I would be able to pull off anything worthwhile, so you needn't worry about me actually using it. 
5090712
Huh. I hadn't noticed that 2 thing on the emoticons before. I can see how that would get pretty annoying fast.
The segment that explains why the moon stayed in place for a while after Nightmare Moon was banished was the moment this fic had me sold. After that, it just kept getting better and better. The segments describing Celestia's relation to the sun are pure gold. It shows both alicorns as immensely powerful and fragile at the same time: they can control massive celestial bodies, but their power pretty much stops right there.
This story has everything a good one-shot needs. Short, concise, and expressive. A little purple, a little too convenient (we never find out why Celestia chooses to think about all this on this particular day), but the overall effect more than makes up for these things.
Have a like, fave, and follow. You earned it, and a whole lot more. Also: welcome to the club!
lh3.googleusercontent.com/-Xb5Rv7FJrz0/TWCLdHE-HRI/AAAAAAAAAE0/Rv2F_TaAXr8/s1600/GrahamColonel.jpg
"And now for a complete change of mood..."
5495351
"S-senpai noticed me?!"
All jokes aside, you're someone whose writing I've admired for quite a while, and to find that you've not only favourited and upvoted my story, but followed me and left me such a nice comment? I have the biggest grin on my face right now.
Now, as for what you actually said:
"S-senpai..."
You've just described exactly what I wanted to convey about these two, which is extremely heartening for me as a writer, as it means I did something right!
I agree that it is a little too narratively convenient that Celestia suddenly chooses to muse on her past, but I am glad that it didn't detract from the impact of the story as a whole. As for the purple prose, well I've always been a sucker for it in what I read, and I think some of that translated to my writing. I'll keep it in mind for future works, but I'll probably always be a little florid.
Again, thank you so much for the feedback (both positive and constructive, woohoo!) and the fave+like+follow. It's always nice when someone you respect turns out to like something you did!
Also, that video is perfect.
5495514
To be honest, I myself am not completely innocent when it comes to purple prose, although my version isn't the "conventional" kind (I have one fic that uses very blatant and convoluted delivery). However, I recently figured out that, given a certain context, I can not only live with, but actually appreciate the use of "purple prose" (the term "bloated" might be more appropriate).
For situations that are not particularly remarkable, though still integral to life (e.g "walking down the street", "traveling somewhere", etc.), purple prose-y text only manages to come across as pretentious. Rather than let the scenery and the natural feel of the activity speak for itself, that particular style tries to squeeze a ton of meaningless content into every inch of the scene. Conversely, with stories that revolve around more "massive" concepts (in this case: "the alicorns' relation to their respective celestial bodies"), using "massive" writing is much more appropriate, and perhaps even superior to a "natural" approach. Sure, subtle writing can work really well, but there are times when it just can't convey enough on its own.
For example, a Hemingway-esque short story probably wouldn't work very effectively to describe this story (it could convey a lot of emotion, but I have doubts about it conveying the magnitude of it all), while the writing style in this fic would probably fail to impress in a fic about "ponies who visit Sugar Cube Corner on an average day."
Apologies to everyone offended by the name dropping, as it is most likely inaccurate. I'm merely trying to get a point across...
That said, I only pointed it out because I generally distance myself from purple prose, but I do find contexts where I can enjoy it, and this is one of them.
5495514
Oh yeah, one other thing: I get why the main title is "Hyperion" (and I like it), but why is the chapter titled "Rapture"? I think I know why, but I'm not sure, and my current idea gives me the impression that the latter title is out of place...
5495591
The chapter title mostly refers to the end of the story, as it encapsulates (for me) the feeling Celestia gets whenever she connects with the sun to raise and lower it. It's not perhaps the best one I could have chosen, but it felt right, and I don't like calling the chapters of oneshots "Chapter 1" or by the same title as the piece as a whole.
I agree with pretty much everything you just said - everything has it's place, and writing in this style about Pinkie Pie's day at work would just feel weird, and I wouldn't convey the same things I conveyed in this piece by writing "Celestia used her magic to raise the sun, and felt small while doing so".
5495595
As for your other comment, well I'm glad you liked my choice of main title for starters.
What was your interpretation of it, and why did you feel it was out of place?
5495782
Well, as far as interpretations go, I thought of the most obvious one at first. Not sure how that relates to "Celestia and the sun", to be honest...
5496055
Should have worked that one out for myself. But I did mean the word as a feeling, rather than a reference to a biblical event. I suppose you could relate it in terms of both Celestia and the Rapture having religious connotations, but it's a bit of a stretch.
Right.
You really ought to write more, Meri. It'd be a shame if this was the only thing you ever published.
5565763
Oh believe me, it won't be. I have far too many ideas bouncing around in my brain to not do more writing. Possibly quite soon too.
That aside, thanks for the follow and fave! I appreciate it.
Consider me very impressed. I am always on the look-out for good Introspective Celestia 'fics, but rare indeed are the ones that don't trip over themselves trying to be overly Dark or Angsty or worse, and rarer still do they not focus especially on her feelings about Luna and/or her Banishment. This one not only avoids all of that deftly, it finds a new, surprisingly fascinating angle to look at Celestia from and explores it effectively and evocatively. I really like the idea you have here of Celestia as a being, not necessarily of pure Power or Strength, but rather genuine intellect and natural cunning, for whom "Work SMARTER, not HARDER" is the true key to her abilities. And I further love how well you put us in her perspective; the language and flow of the prose here strikes a VERY strong balance between easy-going Naturalism and Regal Composure, a combination which gives the whole piece this great, Elemental feel to it that fits the idea of Celestia's feelings of Connection with the Sun beautifully. Very, VERY sharp work!
5598627
Oh wow. Thank you for leaving such a nice comment! I'm glad you liked the story.
Again, thank you so much! The perspective was one of the things I was really keen on getting right with this - I often find that people write Celestia as far too casual a character, to show that "she's just a pony".
Again, thank you for the favourite and the wonderful comment.
5599308 You're very welcome all around. ^_^
This was a nice little piece. I liked the worldbuilding.
5749754
Why thank you! And thank you for the fave as well.
This is gorgeous! Unique, believable, emotional, never overbearing. A wonderful little debut.
I am very sorry, but this story just doesn't feel right. Why Celestia can't be the strongest of them, even stronger than Nightmare Moon? She is bigger, she is older... and the Sun is much bigger, brighter and more dangerous than Moon. There is no reason why she can't be the best in everything: and that will actually give Luna some reason, even if extremely selfish and evil, for her actions. Why Celestia can't be perfect?
6501167
I'm sorry you feel that way, because I genuinely can't see any way you can enjoy this story if you do.
The only thing I will say is this: the whole point of this story is that, yes, the Sun is bigger, brighter and more dangerous. So much so, in fact, that Celestia can't control it, not in the same way Luna controls the moon - instead she is a conduit. As for why she isn't the best at everything - well, because that's how I envisioned her. You don't have to do the same, nor do you have to like my story. Thank you for reading it, and giving your feedback, all the same.
6499919
Oh wow. Thank you so much! That's high praise indeed, especially coming from you. I'm glad you enjoyed it, enough to put it in your favourites even!
A first fic that manages to recapture Celestia in a unique manner? UGH. Talent. :V