• Member Since 29th Nov, 2011
  • offline last seen May 24th, 2019

Mourning Zephyr


The RoboWriter.

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Source

After Celestia humiliates her at a dinner, Luna storms off and ends up snooping around in her sister's room. There, she stumbles upon the journal Celestia kept immediately after the banishment of Nightmare Moon.

Cover art by bunnish on dA.
This story now has a reading by Craft Arts. Go check it out!
Featured on Equestria Daily on August 22, 2013.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 190 )

FINALLY! *reads like a madman*

0 comments. time to change that.
this was extremely well made,(in my eyes)
........actually, i don't know how to write a critque,(or whatever its called)
so it was just good.
the nickname celly was a surprize to me, so its was a nice touch.
...............
:facehoof:

D'awwed hard.

... words cannot describe what I am feeling. You...you did good.

This....This was amazingly good. I loved it.

Very very well written. :twilightsmile:

Where has this been all my life?
:fluttercry:
Thank you for this.
Just... :raritycry:
Thank you.

Beautiful. Magnificent. Gorgeous. Oh, how many adjectives I could use to describe this story...

This story is perfect. I love the pacing, and the setup and payoff are nothing short of spectacular. :pinkiehappy:

3091435

It's nice to read a sweet story about the two diarchs of Equestria and their connection as sisters rather than them being antagonistic towards each other.

I certainly agree. I love Celestia slice of life stories, especially ones that explore pre-FIM history.

3091117

Here, I'll critique it for you. I'll make it really short, since I imagine you don't have loads of time.

A low growl rumbled in Luna's throat as she flew, her brow furrowed and eyes unfocused as she ran through the dinner's events once more in her head. Celestia had no right to embarrass her like that. She’d forgotten a small piece of etiquette during a dinner that evening. And it would have been completely ignored if Celestia hadn’t made a snide remark about it. But she had, and then suddenly everypony was laughing at Luna. She'd been so humiliated that she bolted for the window and took off into the overcast, windless night.

Give a specific piece of etiquette she forgot. Otherwise it'll just seem like you couldn't come up with anything good, so you decided not to say a specific one as a cop-out.

The inky dark made it difficult to see where she was going, but she flew on.

The adjective "inky" doesn't add much. It feels out-of-place with the writing voice of the rest of the story, but for some stupid reason wasn't removed during editing. In fact, it seems like it was added during editing and then the author just shrugged and was like "meh, whatever, I'll keep it."

She’d lost some of her zeal, but decided to read on.
Anger sparked in her.
she gave up and hesitantly moved on
Luna trembled with fury as she read.

These are all examples of telling instead of showing. Telling is bad. Fix them. Unless for some reason you can't figure out how to show instead of tell these examples, so you're just going to be lazy and stick with telling since nobody will notice. Hopefully.

And she was just about to leave when she noticed a part of the room that wasn't perfect: something poking out from underneath the bed.

You have to be more subtle than this. Make it less clear that you're implying that Celestia read the journal recently. Probably earlier that day. It's not like you expected nobody to pick up on that small detail, but added it with glee anyways, right?

:rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss:
This was really nice, I really enjoyed it so many good feels right now :pinkiesad2: god I love those two princesses.
Great job, and keep it up!

Hey, congratulations man! Hope the little editing I gave was a bit helpful. :twilightsmile:

3092005

If I remember correctly, I did make a few changes because of the things you said. :twilightsmile:

3092019

Well all I gotta say is, again, this is awesome! You put a lot of work into this and earned that front page and EQD feature!!! Once again, congratulations!!! :raritystarry:

P.S. I'm just getting started on Ch. 4 of "Batmare Begins" right now, but I may send you Ch. 3 before that gets completed if you want to start looking at that (despite my fear that you'll catch a butt ton of errors, especially in the colon/semicolon department :rainbowlaugh:).

When I was on my second deployment to Iraq in 2008, I once had a dream where I was home. Woke up in my bed, the first thing I saw was my TV. Went downstairs, had breakfast with my family, Sausage and Scrambled eggs. Me and my brother played NBA Jam for old times sake.


Then I woke up, and the first thing I saw was my M4.

I have never cried that hard before or since.


Faved. :twilightsmile:

Aw, so cute! :D

3091847

Good critique. You should send this to the author.

3091847

Meh I honestly do not agree with your comment on the "inky darkness". It might not add much to detail but it does help set the mood a bit more.

The dark made it difficult to see where she was going, but she flew on.
^^^
That sounds very plain

The inky dark made it difficult to see where she was going, but she flew on.
^^^
But that adding that one word gives the entire sentence a darker feeling to it, and helps set the feeling for the story.

At least that is my opinion....... but I am just going off of the feel of the way it is written not off of proper grammar or any of that BS.

DISCLAIMER: I have never written a story myself of took advanced english anything so yea...... if I sound like someone speaking out of his ass that is why.

Hit's you straight in the heart, lovely little piece.

:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy: / 5

Ah, now this was sweet.

Also, kinda similar to my own story. In fact, we both have gryphon ambassadors kicking up a fuss. Weird.

Anyway, this story was short, sweet, and well-written. The characters felt real, and the journal entries were brilliant.

Liked and faved.

this is awesome
rlly saddening but good :pinkiesad2::pinkiesad2::pinkiesad2:
ALMOST cried:fluttershysad:,
but you're gonna have to try harder :twilightblush::twilightsheepish::twilightsmile:
I give it a :scootangel::scootangel::scootangel::scootangel: out of :heart::heart::heart::heart::heart:

Very well done.

....*goes to cry softly in a corner*....you glorious :raritycry: bastard,,, :raritycry:

3092515

i agree w u except its :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:/5




I AM CRYING RIGHT NOW!

Like being battered around the head with D'awww towards the end.
The early bits of the diary were pretty cool though, making it flaming unclear exactly what Celestia thought. It's just that towards the end it became clear that what she thought was fairly standard.
Unsurprising, but still pretty sweet.

3092984

no offence but terrible joke.:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::twilightsheepish::pinkiehappy::moustache: anyway...:derpytongue2:

Que Sera Sera is still my second favourite sad-fic (Simply Rarity being the best of all time), but now I have something I can say is my third favourite. Thanks.

Not a bad story, this. Heartwarming and cute, very well done.

By the way, burning Luna in Effigy? The Burning of Princess Luna? Not sure how that would have escaped Celestia's banhammer...

beautiful. just beautiful.

3092175

When I was on my second deployment to Iraq in 2008, I once had a dream where I was home. Woke up in my bed, the first thing I saw was my TV. Went downstairs, had breakfast with my family, Sausage and Scrambled eggs. Me and my brother played NBA Jam for old times sake.

Then I woke up, and the first thing I saw was my M4.

I have never cried that hard before or since.

May I share this? Seems like one of those quotes that just needs to be heard/read.


Also, your comment is what pushed this story onto my "to read" list.

:fluttercry:

:applecry:

:raritycry:

So beautiful. Well done!:twilightsmile:

Holy cow... the feels, man, the FEELS!

'Stache time.
:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

When I read the description I kinda thought it was going to be another Trollestia story. Still I read it and I like it. It was a touching story that reminds us that even though Celestia and Luna are rulers they are still ponies.

This is beautiful.

I cryed... Just how I did in my little dashie... But happily this time...:fluttershbad:

I loved it! That was one of the best fics I've read so far. Good job pony.:pinkiehappy:

What a beautiful story. As soon as I read the summary, I was hooked. And I was very happy with what I read. I hope you continue to write more stories as good as this!:raritystarry:

Poor Celestia! In so many ways, she went a little crazy after she beat Nightmare Moon, didn't she? I don't think they were ever meant to reign separately and separating them left them both unstable and incomplete.

I'm going to say this once: D'aww :heart:

3091232 Just thought I'd mention, if you changed the right eye to blue and left to gold on that pic, it would be my oc. LOL



Nice story, believable and heart warming. I love your stories.

I almost cried at one point... :twilightblush:

Comment posted by Painting_Strides deleted Aug 23rd, 2013

3091847 Stop nitpicking this wonderful story! This is the bestest story ever and if you think anything is wrong with it, you're stupid and should die! Just because you are the author does NOT give you the right to be so critical! You're just a troll hater! Why don't you go write something better if you think you're so perfect?! I hope you get cancer of the butt and die from pony AIDS!! :flutterrage:

That's how critics are dealt with on this site, right?

:trollestia::trollestia::trollestia::trollestia::trollestia::trollestia::trollestia::trollestia::trollestia:

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