• Member Since 31st Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen Oct 25th, 2015

SwimmingEagle


New in to Pony Fiction, Working to be a professional Author some day. US Air Force Veteran


T
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When balefire and death rained from the skies, many took sanctuary in the giant underground shelters known as Stables. However, those who could not make it to one of the many Stables set sail for the Summer Sunset Islands. They hoped that the tourist hot spot would be spared the devastation. These refugees soon faced a sheer wall of violent weather, known today as The Storm Wall, sealed them away from the rest of the world. The refugees were forced to live their lives on the high seas of Oceania.

Two hundred years later, a tribal seapony has a chance encounter that would change life in Oceania forever.

Chapters (14)
Comments ( 172 )

I see.

So basicly its this?
i22.photobucket.com/albums/b333/eleraama/hugz.jpg
ANd Seaponys can breath underwater, epic fail

Megaspell is one word.

Fun beginning. I'll toss ya an upvote to balance out the haters. :raritywink:

Its certainly.... different....Eh ill give it a shot seems fairly interesting so far.

If you're a budding Fallout Equestria Side Fic author, do come and visit the Compilation Document. We're a friendly bunch!

Eh man i have to say im excited for the next chapter great work ^^ Also like melon hunter said go to the Doc its a big help

Intresting...Its like waterworld meets fallout.
I'll be watching...:pinkiecrazy:
forvever...

well until the story finishes

Kevin Costner. That is all. :moustache:

Sea ponys are awsome that us all :moustache:

You like rock... Mang....

This reminds me of the leveling system in Fallout more than the original. In the original that lucky bastard leveled up every time he did something. In this one it takes two chapters. Much more realistic.

I must confess that "Next Flight Out Today" is an actual song and i lifted it from Saints Row the Third. You are now rereading that scene with this playing in the background: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtZXH3CxI4I :derpytongue2:

Great first chapter. Really gets me interested and pumped for chapter 2. Nice to see some mutated oceanic life, also cool to see a Sin City reference (One of my favourite films btw)

This story only promises good things, I shall read more :pinkiesmile:

Yay, good driving plot elements and a likeable, relatable character, I love Riptide more n more :heart:. :eeyup:

Excellent chapter, good bit of action, Riptide proves his basassery once again. Looking forward to the next chapter, which I will read right now. :heart:

Wooo, Riptide continues to be awesome. A lifetime of watching movies allows for movie references galore, oh how I have come to love this story of yours Eagle. Can't wait for the next chapter.:heart:

Shoo shop be do :rainbowlaugh: ha ha. Great way to start a 6am morning i can't wait for shanagens to insue

This story just keeps getting better. :rainbowlaugh:

haahahah oh my the end was hilarious :rainbowlaugh: cant wait for the next chapter :twilightsmile:

Early morning update on Dark Shores? Woo hoo. Love the way it ends by the way. Forgot where he mistakes I found where so I'm not pointing them Eagle. I like this chapter and the Doctor-Patient scene was awesome and shows another part of Riptide. Awesome work, hope you keep it up!

Z

Nice movie reference you got there.

644318 Your early morning is my noon. im glad you enjoyed the chapter

Shoo be doo, shoo shoo be d'oh! :twilightoops: This is gonna be awkward... :unsuresweetie:

Yippeeee! for seaponies. :rainbowlaugh:

Z

New chapter! :pinkiegasp:

Riptide is awesome :twilightsmile:

I seriously hope that he curved the bullets with telekenisis and not in the way as they do in wanted because that movies gun physics would be questionable in a looney toons short.

seaponies! yush!

Hmm, I gotta read this one. Seems interesting :)

btw, small note, you can use {url}{/url} tags around links (with [ ] brackets, of course), to make links (like the Gdocs one in your description) clickable.

Too intense drug references...
And thinking Riptide enabling that tower is only for worse.

1144062
Hi is in Saudi Arabia, read his blog before you yell up like a little child.

... And on a little more friendly note. By what I can read about it I would say that this is interresting and is something that I will read and comment a little about when the times come. Life y u go in the way for Fo:E and ponies

Greetings from the Desert! My faithful fans, while my hiatus was Ill timed, I can say without reservation, that Dark shores will update this coming Friday.

A bit dialogue-y this chapter. I hope i can inject some proper action and intrigue into the on coming chapters as we get into the main arc.

Blackjack: Ante Up
Ripple: Two Kicks
Riptide: Shoo Be Do, Shoo Shoo Be Do.

I think he's going to have some trouble fitting into the wasteland hero club, mostly because the bar doesn't have a tub.
At least he doesn't have any moral issues or voices in his head, yet. :rainbowlaugh:

I'd say in terms of mental stability, Riptide is probably one of the more sane protagonists, not counting his strange obsession with theatre and movies. Anyway, as you said, a bit of a dialogue heavy chapter, but it gets the readers attention, brings Riptide and us up to speed and gives us stuff to look forward to.

Also if you're looking for fanart, you might ask Burnout42 if he'll do Riptide and his Coral Club or maybe 11Meister who is doing some free artwork just now. If you can afford to commission artists, I highly recommend SpyroConspirator and MisterMech.

good chapter again and his secret is out now hes screwed

I'm pretty sure the radio pony mentioned Poseidon, in Riptide's presence, without him noticing. Could he be involved in the conspiracy stuff?

^_^ Loved the chapter Send me a pm when you get the time and ill try to see if any of my contacts can make you something im a little low on money :ajsmug:

Heard about this fic awhile ago and ended up forgetting about it under a stack of browser tabs and finally got around to reading it. Based on the first chapter, Ideas are nice, direction has no problems, style writing feels a bit jumpy between action/dialogue sequences and at points when your describing the 'scenery' so to speak (Personally I have trouble 'seeing' the actions happening, maybe it just needs a little more bolstering). Since you'll be working in a waterworld setting i'd thought there would be more 'fishyness' in the actions that would differ from simple A to B movements as the waters are technically 3D. But this is all on your first chapter so many months ago and could already be different by your following chapters, i'll give your story a whack.

Awwright. Review time! *cracks forehoof joints*

First of all, I can see from your style that there's still quite some work ahead in terms of sentence flow, use of commas, and spacing of paragraphs.

That said, however, your intro sucked me in like a traitorous reef undercurrent. You walk, err sorry, balance. Yes, let's go with balance. You balance a thin line between telling a first person story and breaking the fourth wall, and all of it is perfectly justified by the main character growing up with movies. Magnificent.

Then, the show. For a moment there, you actually had me fooled, and I thought your main character would indeed go out to avenge some "Goldie". Then I realized, of course, that this was one of the aforementioned movies. Again, perfectly executed.

The way you describe the world and fellow tribals, then go on to Checkov's Gun the dangers of the waters, and finally fire those guns and show the ship survivors that will probably kick off the actual plot, is beautifully done.

On to hints. One hint I've been giving a lot lately is to always separate addressing terms in a sentence (like names) with commas. In your case, I'll pick out this example:
> Why the kindness Goldie?
That needs a comma before "Goldie".

To make the necessity of these commas more clear, I present to you the "accidental regicide" example I've been spewing around to fellow writers recently:
"I kill, my Queen," the soldier said to Elisabeth. "That's what soldiers do."
"I kill my Queen," the soldier said to Elisabeth. "That's what soldiers do."
The first is the soldier saying, to his queen, that he kills. The second is the soldier saying he kills his queen. All that, because of a single comma.
As a rule, when using a name or other addressing term in a sentence, separate it with commas, both before and after it :twilightsmile:

Another hint, on quoting rules, is one I've only recently learned myself, and which I still find hard to adapt to from time to time. Basically, when using a "s/he said" type construction, you don't end the quoted sentence before it on a period, but use a comma instead. If the same type of structure is used, without any explicit "s/he said" verb structure, though, you just use the period. You ALWAYS end it on some punctuation though. If it's not a period, you can forget the comma thing. It only applies to periods, for some weird reason, so question marks and exclamation marks can be kept as they were.
The full quoting rules are explained in Equestria Daily's "Editor's Omnibus". Especially the "Self-Editing section" contains a treasure of information on correct formatting.

For example:
“Now how did I know you’d still be in here” A soft, weathered voice came from the entrance to the theater.
The first quoted part, in this case, should end in a period. However, if you'd change it to, for example, "A soft, weathered voice spoke from the entrance to the theater", the quoted part would need to end on a comma instead.
The next paragraph (“It’s time to go outside and get your tail wet.” She ordered.) explicitly continues with "she ordered", a verb that is related to speaking, invoking the "s/he said" rule, so the quoted part should end with a comma.

Now, use of commas in sentences, besides that quote-end-stuff. Commas separate pieces of sentences that should be apart. Classics include thrown in things like "besides", "after all", "at least", "of course", and so on. "Besides we need ingredients" should have one after "besides". Overall, you're doing pretty well in this department though. I've seen people stringing together entire paragraphs with commas, while nothing justified the parts not being separate sentences.

Some things I did notice, besides these general remarks:
> Some had the good fortune to survive the apocalypse by taking shelter in the great underground shelters called Stables; the less fortunate attempted other, more desperate measures.
> The surviving ships disappeared behind a vast wall of wild weather; cutting Summer Sunset Isles from the rest of the world.
Semicolons are a strange and mysterious thing, which should only be used to string together complete sentences (each having a subject and a conjugated verb and all), and only if the second part is in some way clarifying the first part.
In the first one I mentioned, the two parts should simply be two sentences.
In the second, the second part (cutting Summer Sunset Isles from the rest of the world) is not a complete sentence, and you should just use a comma.
> “She really that old now?” I mused
Needs a period behind the "I mused".
> Micro currents of water, only noticeable to a practiced mind pelted my skin.
The "only noticeable to a practiced mind" bit is extra information thrown in between the sentence, but it is nonetheless a separate piece on its own. Such pieces should be separated from the rest with a comma at both the start and end.
> as I filtered the air from the water itself.
Technically, filtering out oxygen, not air, but I'll let this slide, and just assume he didn't have much science-related material in his movies collection. I guess resorts don't tend to stock those :rainbowwild:
> they would tell you that the prospect of me being their future spiritual leader is disconcerting at best.
"[was] disconcerting at best." The whole story is past tense, after all.
> So when a saw a whole school of the suckers
Typo: "when [I] saw a whole school"
> get swallowed whole by a Radshark and not die
This kinda says the fluffer fish didn't die from being eaten, not that the radshark didn't die. Otherwise you should say "the radshark swallowed them and didn't die", rather than "the school of fluffer fish got swallowed and didn't die".
-You have an odd tendency to capitalize the species names (radshark, fluffer fish) a few times, and then stop doing it. I'd simply not do it at all.
> Oh and the other two could use getting looked at as well.
Another one of these thrown in things: comma behind the "Oh".


---

Overall... I love it. Insta-fave, and I can't wait to find some time to read the rest! This one just moved from my "To Read" list to my "Tracking" list :pinkiehappy:

1809233

...
C-Can you be my editor?

Dear god man! that the most in-depth review/comment I've ever gotten. EVER! Hell, just reading that made me wanna finish the latest chapter tonight! (Probably wont happen, but it made me wanna do it!)
Thank you good sir, you are gentleman and a scholar!

Other than that thank you for the things you pointed out. I love to write, but grammar is the bane of my existence. I prosperously don't edit my character's dialogue because realistic diction is first draft.

And, off we go!

The christening of the boat seemed utterly unrealistic though! Everypony knows Cola bottles are notoriously unbreakable! :rainbowwild:
(on a more serious note, I can't really imagine the seaponies being all that happy with glass shards on the sea bottom)

Remarks and corrections:
(note that there's tons of sinning against the aforementioned quoting rules, but I simply didn't point those out here. You should just go over all chapters to fix that stuff yourself. There's also a few comma-related problems I know I skipped)

> “First Ingredients, we have to venture out, more often than not, past the reef to get the reagents needed.
Should be "“First, ingredients.", with the rest a separate sentence. On that note, there's an errant capital letter on "ingredients".
> Look I’ve got a slight bit of a problem.
Comma after "Look".
> your banking on me healing on my own.
"you're banking"
> She’d rather sail then stay in one place.
"than", not "then". The word "then" is ALWAYS time related.
> Okay if she thinks she can get out of this one
Needs at least a comma after "okay". Maybe even an actual period.
> Trade, our village doesn’t have the capability of being truly self-sufficient.
Period and new sentence after "Trade".
> much to Brass Bits distress
Possessive shouldn't be ignored just because the word ends on an "s". You just add an apostrophe behind it: [Brass Bits']
> Hollow Bones had Brass bits make some barding for me
Forgot to capitalize the "Bits".
> Hoist the anchor me Mateies!
"Mateys" will do.

I love how he keeps throwing in these pre-war expressions (medical license, summer vacation) that are SO out of place for a Tribal, but totally justified by the movies he grew up with :rainbowlaugh:

"A two hundred year old abandoned ship surrounded by mist appears from nowhere and somepony decides to go treasure hunting? That’s a B-rated horror flick right there. Gotta do this right."
Ahh, gotta love a genre-savvy protagonist :pinkiehappy:
Now, in classic Fallout tradition, he's right, it should be B-horror in there, but since he spelled it out, it's gonna be empty and boring. I'm calling it.

...yup. Called it. Just loot. And comics. Yay comics!

Ohey. And some kind of raiders. Not too clear whether they're ghouls still on the ship, or raiders that made it their home, or just passing pirates, though.

"everything on this boat belongs to us now."

Mkay. The 'now' indicates they only just arrived to claim it. Passing raider-pirate-scavengers it is, then. Not The Horror From The Boat. Movie scenario averted! Man, he's way too good at this.


Remarks and corrections! Because, the truth, no matter how bad it hurts :trollestia:
(I'm gonna be less liberal with these, since I already pointed out all the general things. So I'm mostly keeping myself to typos and other such errors. Unless I can't resist, of course :facehoof:)

First of all, space out those separators. They look a lot better with an empty line above and below them, and you seem to just plain forget to do that from time to time. Also, some of them are five blocks of three dashes, and others have some blocks with just two dashes. Make them more consistent. Personally, I just use a simple centered "~ ~ ~" as separator (with some special variety for separating flashbacks, memory orbs, day dreams and other special stuff), but that's your personal choice of course. Just, keep it consistent; it looks neater.

> She’s liable open a wound.
Missing word. "She’s liable [to] open a wound."
> Immediately before me was stairs going up
"were stairs". Stairs being an always-plural word doesn't excuse using it as if it were singular.
> Stairs down lead to the Cargo hold and engine room.
Past tense of "to lead" is "led".
> One leading left the other directly ahead.
comma after "left".
> The table in the center was over turned
"overturned". One word.
> I hope so, That said I must have the others detain you.
Well now. Either you end the first part with a period instead of a comma, or you start with a capital letter, but not both. Personally, I'd advice the first. Also, I'd add a comma after "That said".
> Shut up fish stick.
Comma after "shut up".
> The doc said my momma had to stop drinking but noooo
Comma before the "but noooo". And, as per previously delivered quotation rules, end the whole quote on a comma.
> If tried the gun trick again
Missing word. "If [I] tried the gun trick again"
> See everything on this boat belongs to us now
Comma after "See".
> Look you want my stuff?
Comma after "Look".
> Some Invisible force had smashed itself into the one eyed pony
Errant capital letter on the "Invisible".
> Thanks for listening children!
As mentioned before, separate addressing terms with a comma. In this case, the word "children".

That's all for now! Green LEGO alien, signing off!

“Politely”
Firefly reference! And I thought this story couldn't get any more awesome:3

The usual suggestions and remarks section:
> then maybe I can keep tabs on Stable City.” She said aloud.
No capital letter in a "s/he said" construction; it's technically still part of the sentence before that.
> “Hey! I see Lights!
Unnecessary capital letter on "lights". For a moment I thought she meant a person she knew called "Lights".
> Éclair rustled up anything that looked valuable and stashed them in the lockboxes.
"anything" is a singular word, so, "stashed [it] in the lockboxes."
> Atop the nose stood its captain and only resident.
Strange bit of information, given the fact they can't possibly be certain she's the only occupant of the ship. After all, it was described as a yacht; something that probably has below-deck space.
> “Well then, the winner go the spoils.”
"[to] the winner go the spoils", actually.
> “Yeah we tend to keep to ourselves.”
Comma after "Yeah".
> “The weather is going to turn sour in a couple of hours, unless you have a deep sea anchor or are skilled enough to sail a storm, I suggest that your find someplace to go to port.”
Typical case of stringing sentences together with commas. Everything after the "couple of hours" should be a new sentence.
This is, in fact, a really bad case: if you start reading it, it sounds like "The weather will get bad unless you're prepared for it". Which is obviously wrong, because being prepared for it won't actually change the weather. Only after getting to the "I suggest" part does the reader get any indication that that "unless" part was the start of a new sentence, rather than something making the first part conditional. So, avoid that. It's really confusing to the readers.
> First you smell Ozone
Again, unnecessary capital letter, on "ozone".
> The leather bound mare looked at her, Scanning her with an extraordinarily intense gaze.
Again, unnecessary capital letter, on "scanning".
> Clicking the roof of her mouth.
This isn't actually a full valid sentence. It should either be added to the previous sentence, probably with "and" to connect it, or written out as "She clicked the roof of her mouth".
> “I doubt you’ll miss it.” She said to us.
I'd personally put that "she said to us" part in the middle of her speech, to more quickly make clear who's talking.
> “One more piece of advice seapony.”
"seapony" is an addressing term here, so, separate with a comma.
> However, if that storm is coming like you say it will. Then we had best get going.
The sentence here is "if that storm is coming, then we had best get going.", with the "like you say it will" part thrown in between. Because of this, it should definitely not be split into two sentences.
> “yours?”
Should be capitalized.
> Seriously there were objects thrown about and plenty of name calling.
Comma after "Seriously"; this is one of these 'thrown in' things.
> a free Sandbar
> the Sleeping area
Again, unnecessary capital letters. Really odd habit.
> Okay, lockup and cover the stuff
"lock up". Two words.
> I’d rather not have somepony dash our supplies
"dash [with] our supplies"?
By the way, it's usually a good idea to let the reader know as soon as possible who's saying something. When using the "s/he said" structure on a multiple-sentence quote, it's best to break up the quote after the first sentence or comma in a sentence, put the "s/he said" part there, and then continue with the rest of the quote. In this case, that'd either be right after the "Okay" at the start, or behind the "stuff we don’t want to trade" part. In this case, I'd do it after the first actual sentence. This also has the advantage that you'll use the "I ordered" verb only for the actual ordering part of the quote.
> I could probably get somepony to trade these to.
"To trade something to someone" isn't a valid use of the verb "to trade". Either you say "trade with", or you use "sell to".
> “First stop is the clinic, Pain killers and a sunny disposition won’t heal those wounds.”
Again, you use a comma and put a capital letter behind it. In this case, it's clearly 'stringing sentences together with commas' though. Just make them two sentences.
> Out of sight out a mind
Should be "Out of sight, out of mind." Alternatively, "outta sight, outta mind", but not a mix of the two :duck:
> may be off putting to some.
"off-putting"
> The greatest handlebar mustache ever to grace pony faces
"ever to grace a pony's face". It's still just about a single moustache.
> Make’s sense
"Makes". On a related note, it baffles me how you manage to construct a possessive or plural, whatever it is, of a verb :twilightoops:
> maang
As much as I find this dude hilarious, there's no such thing as a "man" in the pony world :unsuresweetie:

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