Before she discovered her cutie mark, young Pinkie Pie led a somber and dreary life on the family rock farm. Of course, that doesn't mean she never dreamed of something more. She makes plenty of friends after her first week of school, and she's starting to open up... but making friends isn't always easy. There's a spooky and frightening neighbor next door that she never even knew about, and poor Pinkie Pie just can't bear to let her stay all alone forever.
But not everyone wants to make friends. And getting others to open up isn't always easy. How can you understand someone's feelings when they refuse to say a single word? Pinkie Pie intends to find out.
Chapters (4)
Unlike the name of this story, this comment has loads to say. This comment is made chapter-by-chapter, so I may change opinions later without rectifying what I wrote previously. I hope it prove as an useful insight into the thought-process of a reader as he munches through the story.
Chapter 1:
What struck me as odd is the Pie family dynamics. Well, for starters, there's no Igneous or Cloudy Quartz; instead Pinkie lives with her grandma. "Why is this?" I ask myself as my brain reminds me of the Sad tag. Tough, assumptions besides, let's see the rest of the story before drawing opinions! The other two things that got me puzzled were:
1) Pinkie being somewhat annoyed by Granny Pie's over-protectiveness--a kid embarrassed by their peer's existence--whilst still holding her in high regard when mentioning how she is able to "not get scared anymore" thanks to her grandma's teachings. It's even more amusing because she does so even though she's alone with her grandma. I am also amused as to why she reject the lunch Granny Pie prepared for her (though this is only based on my headcanon; in which Granny Pie {not sure if "Nana Pinkie" is a nickname for Granny Pie or another pony entirely} was the one responsible for Pinkiefying Pinkamena Diane Pie).
2) Inky being the stereotypical "annoying older sibling". I don't know where this is set in time, but I can only assume, by Pinkie's mane, attitude and Inky's response to her having friends, that his is previous to her winning her Cutie Mark.
I love how many writers make straight-maned Pinkie much less hyper but still allowing her to remain quick-witted, as she's portrayed in the show (well... on her better appearances at least...). I can already see an issue inside Pinks, whereas she, for some reason, must appear tough to others (sharp replies; nonchalant attitude on her first encounter with her new friends) whilst actually craving for their interest on the inside (asking Granny if they can come over; actually wanting to have some good time with those two). I am still unsure about why this dichotomy (and the one presented on item 1) was presented to us, but I'm hoping it has something to do with the next chapters!
Chapter 2:
Right at the start I'm treated to a canonball over my previous hypothesis as to what this story is about. Cloudy Quartz is present after all... but we still see the same love-embarrassment duality inside of lil' Pinkie regarding her parents (and grandma).
I found it amusing that Pinkie got so... hurt/touched by the story about Old Miss Bramble (I, for some reason, refuse to believe that the floodgates were open because Pinkie was so ignorant about friendly dynamics pertaining to personal space/freedom and thought that Flicker was willingly going on just to torment her). And, when Inkie showed her own dislike for the gossiping (though not as emotive as Pinks), it got me thinking about the Pie's education. I assume all of them at some point were homeschooled, though both Pinks and Inks seem much different than Granny Pie and Cloudy Quartz. Both of them are good-mannered and somewhat introverted, but they lack the concern (bordering on hypochondria?) their family elders display. I also liked how you made Inkie somewhat protective of her little sister in this chapter even though she was very quick to antagonize Pinkie twice in thepast.
Oh! Speaking of Miss Bramble, nice touch by painting her with some kind of psychotic syndrome (most likely schizophrenia). That is, if the story is actually true...
Also, Filly Pinkie being happy is just... so fucking heartwarming! You have no fucking idea! (I'd like to direct the attention of the Jury to Exhibit A and Exhibit B.)
Chapter 3:
Well, this one is pretty straightforward IMHO. It basically gives in and confirms the fillies' prejudices as being true (to them, at least). Thing of note: the crack on Pinks' facade.
Chapter 4:
Right of the bat: awesome!Inkie to the rescue. Seriously, I just love how you wrote her. I had to pause for a moment and wonder why you presented Inkie as being disdainful of Pinkie, only to change her character completely on the 2nd chapter! But then, we see Inkie trying to push her chores towards Pinkie (which honestly made me grumble that there should've been more Pie family members in there {Blinkie & Maud} to really explore the dynamics of the Pie family... then I remembered that this wasn't the focus of the story and piped down). Miss Bramble's big reveal wasn't as impact-full as I've hoped, though Pinkie's maturity about it all ("I just listened.") was simply phenomenal. I love it when Pinkie slows down a bit from her hyper ways so we can get to see a bit of her core self.
Well, you introduced a lot of points in this story about the Pie family dynamics that weren't properly addressed. Honestly, I'd be a bit disappointed if it were not for the fact that this is exactly what happens in real life all the time.
As I said before, apologies if this doesn't sound very useful... I think I'd have to ponder on this story for a bit in order to catch any underlying themes present within it... or you're just such a good author that, when you write a story that doesn't have underlying themes; a story that simply is (a true slice of life); I just can't help myself but seek one. After all, what are we humans good for if not for pattern-making/seeking?
Now, DuncanR, may I borrow some of your time by asking us what exactly you intended to do with this story? I'm definitely curious!
5007400
Aww! You're very welcome. One of my fears was that the story might have been perceived as a "creepypasta", and that readers would find the ending jarring because they were expectign something horrifying or violent. It has sad and creepy elements, but it was meant to be heartwarming in the end. Also, I strongly prefer the idea that the elements simply brought out character traits that were already there. Otherwise, it kind of cheapens things... "You are generous because the element says so! DEAL WITH IT!!"
I like to think the characters are more complicated and organic than that. It's what gives the show such lasting appeal.
5007615
Thank you! There's something wonderful about a "play by play" review since it tells me more about how a reader reacted to certain things. Some of my best feedback involves just sitting down with someone, face to face, and watching them read my story. Even if they don't say a single word, a single arched eyebrow or bored sigh tells can tell you everything you need to know. Again, the theme of listening.
To be honest, most of your comments about Pinkie Pie's family dynamics caught me off guard: They weren't the focus of the story, so their characterization here is mostly limited to how they affect Pinkie Pie and her upbringing. I try to make all my characters at least partly interesting and complex, even the no-name background ones, so I'm glad it worked out!
To be truthful, I wrote this story before I watched any of Season four, and I did no hard research into Pinkie's family members. If I had, I certainly would have referenced their proper names, and most likely would have used Maude Pie in place of Inkie Pie. Overall, I did the best I could without drawing the spotlight away from the protagonist. Siblings will squabble with each other all the time, but when the chips are down they've got each other's backs. As for Pinkie Pie's change in attitude, I tried to make her a realistic shy kid: she thinks she doesn't want friends, but only because she's never had any before. How do you know you hate broccoli if you've never actually tasted it?
Naturally, Chapter 3 isn't anything deep: it's just a "monster of the week" thing. It's kind of boring because it's so predictable: you get exactly what you expect. I was kind of worried this would turn people off because it sets a different tone. It's not a horror story, after all.
It's actually pretty straightforward. The main message of the story is that when you want to help someone who seems hopelessly bitter or depressed or sad, sometimes you shouldn't say anything at all. You should listen to them. Let them know you care and that you're there to support them, all without saying a word. Even if there's nothing you can do to help, listening proves that you care. In fact, this is some of the best advice for helping people leave dangerous cults and abusive relationships: instead of saying "this is harmful and you should leave", simply let them know you're there if they ever need a couch to crash on or a couple dollars for a train or bus ride. As soon as you start lecturing or judging, no matter how right you are, people close their minds.
The secondary theme of the story is that even as a child, before she had friends or a cutie mark, Pinkie Pie still understood the importance of listening. The story references "Giggle at the Ghosties", but a more appropriate song might be Pinkie's "Smile Song": you'll hear a verse where Pinkie admits "It's true some days are dark and lonely". I like the idea that Pinkie Pie isn't a mindless positivist who's in denial. She knows real life can be sad and complicated, but she still doesn't give up: Our strength of character is not judged by what we do when times are easy.
Got 90,000 words to get through for this month's writeoff, so pleasure reading is temporarily on hold, but I'll look forward to jumping into this as soon as the reviews are finished!
Halfway through the first chapter:
And I'm clicking the happy little star and the equally-happy upward thumb. There are a few missing quotation marks I've noticed so far, but it's very good to have a story from you waiting for me when I next get a dozen dozen moments free.
Mike
This was very very good.
Kudos
Well... Color me interested
Pssst. Augie sent me. Here's a thumb.
This was well worth the wait. An absolute joy to read.
5008019 I have been putting off replying to your comment for some reason. I know that you enjoy my comments for they do not touch on the technical aspects of your story (even though we both know you're up for some good technical criticism as well).
I know that Pinks' family dynamics weren't your focus with this... and I don't know if it my bias for liking Pinkie and your writing (resulting in me loving how you'd characterize the family members) or me wanting an explanation for Pinkie's behavioral change. I know you focused a bit on her upbringing to explain some key aspects of her behavior, but I... I dunno... I just read your stories and I am always left hungry for more... even though, to make a comparison, I just had a wonderfully prepared meal. I want to lick my plate clean and order a second, third, fourth round. I feel like a dick typing this... I enjoy your work a lot, but I feel... greedy by wanting more. I also feel a bit saddened that I can't make my comments more valuable for you; even though you made it clear that you enjoy them, I feel like I need to come up with something that's worthy of this (and your other) story(ies).
I dunno... I think I'm surprised by Pinkie + Inkie dynamics because I hate my two brothers. I state this with no emotion in my heart (not even anger). They're such horrible human beings that I simply stopped feeling when I'm around them. I guess this is why I thought it to be curious (ah... the wonders ofself-projection... fabulous, no?)
Adorable as an after school special starring a basket of puppies. Almost sickening, but you pull it off.
The image of tiny Pinkie scrambling up into Bramble's lap was too cute.
Have a like, a bookshelving, a feature recommendation, and this accompanying ribbon:
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Excellent read
Impressive read, very well done. Can't wait to see where you go with this.
dat Mister Jiggles tho
Dang that was good. I gotta say, the other characters pop off the page so much, they kind of overshadow Pinkie for the first half, but you've made a rich farm life scenario and a very touching story.
They kinda did, actually. Our farm is near the edge of the Everfree forest."
missing a " on one side
Kids these days. I can actually see Rainbow Dash pulling something like this on Twilight.
I'm sure I'm mixing things up, but for some reason, when the strange neighbor was mentioned in the description, I kept thinking of Boo Radley from To Kill a Mockingbird.
5390797 Mister Jiggles is Apple Bloom's monster. Get your own!
This story has just the right mix of sad with mystery. I'm very impressed that you able to show a young Pinkie Pie in believable character, as she was briefly portrayed in The Cutie Mark Chronicles.
This strange tale remains one of my favorites, and so I'd like to welcome it into The Club
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Creepypasta reference *fan girling* compose yourself Smokey, calm...
You can has review!
Inky always protected me when I was a filly....
Ooh, I remember this! It happened a long time ago!