• Member Since 19th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen Dec 30th, 2022

SleepIsforTheWeak


I want to be a lion, everybody wants to pass as cats. We all want to be big big stars, but we got different reasons for that...

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She waited for Rarity’s face to bloom into softness, the way it always did when Rainbow made some big romantic gesture like this. Rarity’s face stayed impassive. But she smiled. It was a smile that was reserved and slightly tired—barely genuine. The warmth in it was quiet, self-contained.

And that’s when Rainbow’s entire world came crashing down.

She did not need her any longer.


The first story in the What Could Go Wrong? series

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 78 )
Comment posted by Bekdontraz deleted Mar 5th, 2014

Why do I feel like I need to give you a hug and a hot cocoa?

This fic demonstrates in my eyes that this ship cannot and will not work. good story really like it

4037042 hah hah. there are arguments that all ships will not work, as well as arguments that those ships will. thank you, though.
4036923 you don't, my friend. this story has so far become one of my favorites.
>but, yanno, if you want to, I want stop you. I like hugs and coco :rainbowwild:<

4037061 -hugs- Just glad to see you writing.

Wow, I certainly did not expect to see such low views and likes. I seriously thought it'd be muuuch higher than it is now.
Good fic.

I get the impression that Rainbow has been reduced to a shadow of her brash, confident self, trying to work so hard just to ignite some sort of spark in the relationship. Rarity comes across as aloof and lacking passion... it's apparent in the unfinished dresses. They're both unhappy, but clinging to something because of a fear that things might be worse if they separate. Truly tragic.

I don't usually identify very well with Rainbow Dash, but in this situation... she hits a bit too close to the belt. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

4037380
same here. this was ultimately based off of my own failed relationship. in the end of it I was quite literally staying with my significant other because we had made wonderful memories together that I didn't want to make with anyone else because I was lazy, and because I was a jealous bitch who could not see anyone else with him. so, yeah. [/failedrelationshipstory]

I'm glad you got the things that you got from this story. It was seriously everything I tried to convey, and the fact that it came across successfully is the best feeling in the world.

This is heartbreaking. The melancholy tone is painfully resonant. This right here is why stories about failed relationships have their place. I've always felt that Raridash has a certain element of tragedy to it, even when it's a happy story. But then, that may be because the story that turned me on to Raridash in the first place is about them using one another as surrogates for Fluttershy and Twilight. At any rate, their reasons for staying together, and their resignation that, "no, we're not in love anymore," is so... so... I don't think I have the words for it. It's sad, and beautiful, and it's just so... so Raridash.

The writing isn't perfect. There's a few fiddly bits that could have been done better, for example:

Rainbow tilted her head, frowning at the back of Rarity’s head.

Finding a way to avoid using the word "head" twice in rapid succession like that would keep it from being quite so awkward a sentence.

But offsetting the little flaws like that is the wonderful attention to all the little details that build up the incredibly depressing mood of the story. Things like the sky being too blue, Rarity's unfinished dresses... There's all these little tiny details that add up to a lot more emotion than Rainbow herself ever mentions. I love how everything about the resort is so grand and over the top, and it all really does seem to bring Rarity out of her mood a little bit like Rainbow wanted it to, but at the same time, it brought home to her just how incapable she was of actually making Rarity feel like that again. It's a subtle and very powerful revelation.

The beginning... the beginning is unfortunately the weakest part of the story, and is probably a big part of the reason why this story doesn't have as many views as it deserves. Bad Horse, a writer on this site who has done a lot of interesting work on the nature of popularity and popular stories on FimFic, says that the first 500 words of a story are the most important part of the story. If your first 500 words are not memorable, attention-grabbing prose, you are going to lose a lot of readers before they ever get to the good parts.

The first 500 words of this story look like they're leading into a mediocre ship-fic. We have what looks like an out-of-character Rainbow Dash meekly stammering before a cold and unresponsive Rarity. A reader could be forgiven for thinking it's going to be a story about "rah, Rarity is such a b:yay: to poor Rainbow Dash," and deciding that it's not their thing. Now, as the story moves on, we're given a very good reason why Rainbow and Rarity are acting the way they are; their failed relationship is crushing both their spirits. But unfortunately a lot of folks won't make it to that reveal because they've already decided that this story isn't for them.

It's tough. As a writer who tends to heavily favor big twists and reveals, I understand that it's difficult to make the beginning both interesting and congruous with the information to be revealed later on, without spoiling the reveal or getting buried in exposition. But this story is a lot better than its current ratings would suggest, and a bit more work on the beginning would have helped change that.

Out of curiosity, were you planning to submit this to the Four R's of Spring contest in the Raridash group? It's a little bit of a stretch, but I could see this falling under the 'Reconciliation' theme, and it fits all the other requirements perfectly.

4038652
Thank so much, Esle. I actually had this entire idea when Lion and I were discussing that R's contest. He had an idea and I suggested this one to him, and he was like "nah. I like my idea better". But I wrote this, thinking I was going to make it a "they go to a resort, and slowly rekindle their relationship", but the story took over as it oftentimes does. The original plan was to put it into the contest, but like you've said, it really doesn't fit the Rebirth, Renewal, Rejuvenation, and Reconciliation. I don't know. Should I?

4038707 It's worth a shot. If the judges think it doesn't qualify, you've lost nothing, and if it does go into the contest, you've got at least a few more readers and possibly a shot at winning the thing.

4039052
Thanks man. Maybe I'll write something else.

4039053 Unlucky man, I do agree with one thing though this was good... But yeah. :fluttercry:

4039446
You win some you lose some. But thanks

.... Kinda seems to me they still love each other, but the honeymoon is over.

4039814 Perhaps. But lots of relationships cannot transition out of the honeymoon phase without breaking.

4039921
No offense if you've gone through something like this, but really, if all it takes is so called "boredom" to end an otherwise fulfilling relationship, then their "love" wasn't all that strong to begin with.

I'm sorry if I sound kind of harsh

4039932 You have a point, and maybe it wasn't, but the fact that they stayed together for three years also speaks for itself.

4039964
True, true. So they do love each other, its just... more a matter of comfort and familiarity then say lust or passion

4039980
And really... is that such a bad thing? Love the story by the way

4039984 Hah hah. Thanks. It's not a bad thing, of course, but along the way their passion has diminished to the point that they see it as not being love. And maybe it isn't love. Maybe it's just fondness now.

4040010
what a couple of putzes...

Love it! ♥ A perfect and most excellent typecast for each respective character. Wish more Raridash authors would write fics with this relationship dynamic (i.e. Cuddle Dash and Blow-me-ity). Great premise, great ending and very cozy from beginning to end.

:heart:Don't have it but had it and what we had was special.:heart:

Love it. I hope this inspires others.

4040022
Well, anywho, its a pleasure to meet you:twilightsmile: I'm Ebony, assassin's creed and sabaton fanatic, avid shoe wearer, and in real life may very well be a room full of squirrels at typewriters

4040027 wow, um, thanks man. I've seen you review other things that I've read, and I've always nodded along with the shit you said and was like "this guy knows his stuff". So, thanks. >Cuddle Dash and Blow-me-ity :rainbowlaugh:<

4040038 Nice to meetcha also. I'm Sleepy, and I am an avid tea drinker and chocolate eater who listens to Eminem while I kill myself trying to write things. You seem cool. Say hi to the typewriters for me while I go follow you.

4040086
Can do, and you'd be surprised how much adderall and tiny whips it takes to keep the little buggers focused and on task:pinkiecrazy:

4040064

I've seen you review other things that I've read, and I've always nodded along with the shit you said and was like "this guy knows his stuff".

:rainbowderp: I knew it... You've been stalking me... Analyzing my headcanons from the shadows... Twirling your mustache... Waiting for the perfect moment to stab me in the back with a fic, so great..!

:ajsleepy: ...That not even I can find faults in it.



:pinkiesmile: Well done.

darnit, i missed the sad tag before i started reading.

its times like this, that im reminded, always read the tags first.

I was not prepared for these feels. im a bit depressed now.

This story made me feel an emotion, through sheer environment. good work. I'm not usually a fan of this feeling, but the quality of the work shows through here. liked, Keep up the good work.

4040027

Cuddle Dash and Blow-me-ity

:rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss:

I never would have thought that I would read a RariDash fic, but for whatever reason, this caught my eye. I must say, this portrayed the characters very well and it brought a certain level of emotion that I didn't expect. Very well done.

Very beautifully written and bore into deep emotions. Wonderful writing I look forward for more from you.

4041225
Hah hah. Thank you, though my writing is often more miss than hit. This was just a thing I thought about and was like "y da fuk not?"

4041236
That's always where my best (or worst) ideas come from.:pinkiehappy:

4041389
that's why this is my theme song/the song that speaks of my relationship to writing:

I absolutely loved this fic. Raridash is one of my favorite ships, and it's nice to see it take such a dark route. Happily ever after doesn't always happen, ya know. I feel that a lot of people, myself included, whove been in a Slow-Death kind of relationship will really be affected by this fic. Great piece of work :raritywink:

4042114 that was the idea. It doesn't always take cheating and betrayal to end a relationship.

Fuck man.
That bums me out.

Great story friendo!
Very moving.

It was so good I blogged about it :trollestia:
Ma, this was heartbreaking, really strong stuff that I relate to a lot. It was just ... Brilliant. I have no words, it was that sad.
Keep up the good standard :twilightsmile:

very heart warming I loved it :)

Very well written, nice bittersweetness to it at the end, nice quick read to let the mind flow to a different place. Well done. :twilightsmile:

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