Charity and Devotion

RariDash363 stories ·991 members

A humanized shipping fic.

After an unusual accident, Rarity and Rainbow Dash find themselves stuck together. Alone. With almost no hope of being reunited with their friends. What will transpire between the two?

Chapters (5)

Chapter 1 · 19th May 2013 · 1,481 words
1,481
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Chapter 2 · 19th May 2013 · 1,114 words
1,114
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Chapter 3 · 21st May 2013 · 1,595 words
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Chapter 4 · 22nd May 2013 · 1,143 words
1,143
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Chapter 5 · 23rd May 2013 · 1,061 words
1,061
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Comments ( 8 )

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SkyStorm

SkyStorm #1 · May 19th, 2013 · · · Chapter 1 ·

Not bad. I do like the idea, I bet Pinkie was trying to break the forth wall...again. Now, if you don't mind, I'm just going to make a couple of suggestions:

You did use 'said' a lot. Perhaps you could use some different words. I often have a page open with a list of different words for said. (Here) Also, everything seemed to happen a little too fast (don't worry, I have the same problem when writing my fics.) you may want to slow it down, and work on some character development. For example, your humanized Rarity should whine about everything (the seagulls, the cold, the vast amount of water surrounding them). Plus, you say that Rarity hates the ocean and seagulls, and yet when she wakes up in the middle of the ocean with seagulls flying over-head, she barely bats and eyelid.

FrostyDawn

FrostyDawn #2 · May 19th, 2013 · · · Chapter 1 ·

2599677Hmm... good points. I'll do a little tinkering.

SkyStorm

SkyStorm #3 · May 19th, 2013 · · · Chapter 1 ·

2599683
Glad I could help, but you know, don't take this as me pointing out what's wrong with you fic, just highlighting an area that could use change.

If I wanted to I could go through and say what makes it a good fic, like when Rainbow take's a massive bite out of the ginger-bread boat. Sorry, but for some reason, I found that hilarious, I just pictured her, mouth covered in ginger-bread dust looking at Rarity and saying "What?" whilst shrugging.

FrostyDawn

FrostyDawn #4 · May 19th, 2013 · · · Chapter 1 ·

2599720 I'm just glad to see someone like it.

SkyStorm

SkyStorm #5 · May 19th, 2013 · · · Chapter 1 ·

2599730
Considering that it's a ship fic and their on a boat, I feel there's a pun in there somewhere...

NocturnalRainbow

NocturnalRainbow #6 · May 19th, 2013 · · · Chapter 1 ·

I don't understand why this has the dislikes that it has. I thought it was reasonably good and for the most part well written. I enjoyed reading it and I'm excited for the next chapter.

9Cirno9