• Member Since 17th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Alphacat


E
Source

When Princess Luna goes missing, Private Lucky Break knows there's more at work than a simple breach of court protocol.

For most, Hearth's Warming is an occasion to celebrate family and friends, a time for reflection and goodwill to all of Equestria's residents. But for two ponies, their relationship with the holiday is much more complicated.

Lucky, batpony soldier of the Night Guard, is assigned to escort Princess Luna to the grand reopening of her Night Court mere months after her return to Equestria. Everything goes well at first, until a visitor inadvertently offends the princess. Incensed, she cancels court and sends everypony away. However, when Lucky goes to offer comfort to a distraught Luna, she storms out.

Spurred on by an old wound buried deep in his heart, Lucky strives to mend a bond between sisters that feels all too familiar, and find the missing diarch before her grief consumes her.


Updated Author's Notes

Thanks to Auburn Arc for general feedback and editing assistance with this version of the story, and also to WolfVenom for further editing assistance. Credit goes to Magello for the new cover art. And thanks, as always, to the #fimfiction chatters for their endless mockery impatience support as I revised this story.


Original Author's Note

Thanks for help with the first version go to:
Editing: Norm De Plume, Deceased, and CinnamonSwirlTheBreaded
Synopsis assistance: CheeseDeluxe and PegasusMesa
Original cover art by sinsays

Chapters (9)
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Comments ( 58 )

Oooo don't mind reading this.

Best read I've had all day

> “Hey, you want back to Manehatten for the Solstice, right? Did Sparky go with you?”
went back

> Dofor I hafta?
This is either "Do I hafta?" or a mystery to me!

> “Let’s focus on something important. Like the triathalon.”

3913778

Much appreciated, and fixed.

No clue how 'Dofor' happened. o.O

Good read so far :)

Now the part where Lucky comes and track her down.

3920502

Glad you're enjoying so far!

Well-written and very interesting! Really liking the detail of the worldbuilding, though I suspect it's rather understated at the moment. Regardless, it definitely gives the characters a lot of life and believability, which is something I really go for in a fic. Looking forward to more! :twilightsmile:

Stormchaser needs his precious help to go up against Lucky *rolls eyes*

Lucky is awesome, that's all.

3962107

If you think that, then I must be doing something right. =) Thanks!

Great chapter, sir. Looking forward to the finale! :pinkiehappy:


After I started reading I fell right into the story after having some problems at the beginning. (I have some problems when faced with lots of description.)

The only thing I remember disliking, is the last confrontation with Princess Luna; It just seemed to short and didn't make very much sense to me. First she is on this 'I am divine and you are not, you can't understand me' trip. Then after a few sentences of dialog - that possibly shouldn't impress the Princess very much - she is convinced that everything is okay and that she should spend Hearth's Warming Eve with her sister. I like it when semi-divine entities are put into mortal situations though, I just think she could have been a little more resistant.

On the other hand, this story was very well written. I would say the composition was excellent. The whole narrative, foreshadowing and etc. just fit together really really well. I feel bad for not having more positive things to say about this story.

Anyways, it was a good read. I give you 9 out of 10 points.

@Alphacat, We've already talked about the earlier chapters of the story at length, so I'll keep this to the finale.

Really, really enjoyed that last chapter. :twilightsmile: Wrapped things up nicely, was delightfully heartwarming, and neatly tied the two story arcs together. Considering how there's been some build-up to it, I think you handled Lucky and Slip's dynamic beautifully in both arcs. It was totally believable, and imparted many a warm, fuzzy feeling. Other than that, interested to see if Luna's foreshadowing is going to be addressed.

Nothing really to complain about in the last couple of chapters. The only scene that threw me off a little in Ch. 8 was the last one with Lily, but only a little bit, and I get the intent behind it. I'll admit that the bar scene in the epilogue initially threatened to get a little chaotic and confusing, as I was trying to keep track of who was who, but ultimately it was too much fun for me to really mind, and I got a handle on it pretty quick.

Overall, a great story, sir, and looking forward to your future works! :pinkiehappy:

4018352

Thanks for the comment! I'm glad you enjoyed the story.

The scenes with Luna were difficult to write, and and they had a lot of work and revision put into them until they got to a place that I thought felt right. I know there's a certain risk when you write this type of a story (or that type of scene), and I did my best to present a progression that was realistic, or at least realistic enough for a fictional story. I'll keep your comments in mind the next time I write a scene like that.

However, I would like to point out that I think teleporting away twice counts as being resistant. ;)

Don't feel bad! Honestly, being told that the composition of the story is excellent is probably one of the best things I could hear. And I'm thankful you brought up your issues with what was admittedly a tough scene to write.

4018447

Thank you, as always. =) The story's narrative structure was a blast to write, and I loved being able to tie things back and forth between the two storylines. And I'm glad you got the warm fuzzies, even if they ended up missing Hearth's Warming by a couple of months.

Luna's foreshadowing was mostly a reference to a scene that got axed in the giant rewrite of the first A story. All I'll say is that Luna makes drill sergeants look nice.

I'm glad you enjoyed, and I look forward to presenting my next work.

Phew, this was fantastic. You really went all out with the editing, and the thought that you put into making certain that everything fell into place is nothing short of amazing. The characters felt very real (as far as cartoon horses go), which is refreshing, when usually it's obvious that you're reading a piece of fan-made fiction.

Bravo.

4020170

Thanks! Getting the characterizations down for everyone was really important for this type of story, and I'm glad it seems to have payed off.

Great conversation between Lucky and Luna :)

4031958

Thanks! It took me a long time to get right.

Enjoyable story, thanks.

Won't you... RUN
LIVE TO FLY
FLY TO LIVE
ACES HIIIIIIIIIGH!

I'll be honest with you, I didn't like this story very much. The first four chapters were pretty good – a bit clunkily written (bland descriptions here and there, and LUS all over the place) but the characterisation was great. From chapter 5 onward, however, things went downhill. The first scene with Lucky and Rose as a couple was pretty cliché, and Stormcrasher as a villain became just too over-the-top – in his motivations, his means, and his dialogue – to be believable.

And in the later chapters especially, Lucky became just too... perfect. Ace flier, always fighting to protect the innocent, forgiving his old enemies, confident enough to yell at both Princesses (and what's more, they actually listen to him) and of course he can find the time to give a motivational speech to another character (Pinkblush) in between. Naturally, his friends all tell him how awesome he is – repeatedly.

You've obviously put a lot of work into Lucky Break, and I think you made a valiant effort to make him a balanced character. I'm sorry, but I think you failed.

4034016

Thanks for the comment!

4142804

Hey, Rambler. Long time no see.

Thanks for the feedback. The earlier drafts were a lot worse, trust me, but I might have still not quite hit the mark yet. There's been a few other things brought to my attention since I published that I'm thinking of addressing with another revision, and these comments will help.

The title reminded me of this

http://youtu.be/Rz7As8XejW0?t=2m29s

Waring Overly 70s

The guy kinda looks like a batpony version of SubZero.

Great story Alpha, loved every minute of it. Now if I fail my degree for spending all weekend reading this I'm blaming you :p

Stories like this keep a balding, paunchy, old sci fi/fantasy fan interested.

5797170

Well then I guess I must be doing something right. Glad you enjoyed!

I like the story so far, but I'm starting to skim through the flashbacks. Hope there's a payoff.

7854373

I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far, but do you mind if I ask why you're skimming through the flashbacks? Is there something in particular you don't find appealing, or is it more that you don't see how it connects to the main plot?

I don't want to tell anyone how to read a story, but since you mentioned it, I will say that I intended for both storylines to work together.

A really interesting take on Luna and bat ponies.

8478913

Thanks! I'm glad you think so.

With a startled blink she let it drop against her chest, the chain hanging from her neck by a chain.

This quote brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department.

But other than that, great chapter so far!

The truth is… I love tea

I'm not gonna lie, I thought you were going to reference Princess Celestia Hates Tea right there.

8671219
Whoops. That first 'chain' probably should have been 'key.' Thanks!


8671249
I'd be lying if I said I hadn't read it. =)

Glad to hear you're enjoying the story though!

It's been years since I read and added this to my favorites list, and after coming across it again I have to say that I'm shocked it doesn't have more views. This story is criminally underrated.

9453242
Thanks for the compliment! This is probably one of the stories I've worked the hardest on that I'm the most satisfied with the results.

If I had managed to be a more prolific writer I probably would have gotten more views, but such is life. I'm glad your opinion of it hasn't changed though. =)

I'm with NightScript on this. Back before I bothered to make an account here, I would just keep track of stories by bookmarking the page on my Kindle Fire and this was one of the first multichapter stories that I really got into. After several years of being away, I'm finally coming back to give this story (along with a few others) the like and favorite it deserves.

9562460
Hey, thanks for stopping back by. I'm glad you liked the story and remembered it.

RBDash47
Site Blogger

I'm genuinely bewildered by this fic's vote-to-view ratio; I don't know how a thousand people have read it without upvoting.

Your prose is mechanically sound with few errors, but more importantly flows with ease; your characterizations are solid, both with the canon princesses and your own OCs; you did a great job building your own take on Equestria, with its populations of nyctan and meran ponies; I'm impressed by your structure, from the little things like not spoonfeeding us explanations for Lucky's special talent or what your special vocab (like "meran") means right away, to the big things like balancing present day and past throughout the narrative. I think my favorite component, though, is how you captured the tensions of your interpersonal conflicts -- I could practically feel the air thrumming whenever Lucky stood up to Luna or Celestia tried to reconnect with her sister. And a lovely moral/theme to boot.

This was very well done; thank you for sharing it with us.

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

Judging by Lily's slang, it's the pony nineties in Manehattan. :B

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

"Meran", huh? Interesting. And I guess batponies have spider-sense?

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

So when Comet calls him a 'sunkisser', he's being literal. :V

Not enough people reference King Charlatan. :heart:

9600121
It could be worse. She could be telling people to talk to the hoof. =P

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

9604287
Gag me with a spoon! XD

9602008
I based 'meran' off of the Greek word for 'day.'

And it's not a general batpony thing, it's specific to Lucky as part of his cutie mark. It's a little bit more limited than Spider-man's Spidey sense, too. It only warns him of direct incoming physical harm (like a lightning bolt or a crossbow shot) rather than a general "vague danger" sense.

9603886
Looking through older pony stuff gives some great inspiration. =) I was super pleased to find an ice-themed villain that wasn't a windigo.

Speaking of lucky finds, 'hoarfrost' is an existing word, and the chance to turn it into Hoardfrost as the name of a dragon was too good to pass up.

9586302
I had this open in a tab to reply and lost it. Whoops.

I know we discussed this in chat already, but thank you very much for your comment! This is probably the longest piece of writing I've ever completed and I'm glad others enjoy it so much.

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

Part of me wants to yell at him for being so forward with Celestia, but given how many real-life lessons this story seems to be imparting, questioning authority and demanding better of leadership definitely fits among them.

Guess I'm starting to see why Lily made Sergeant ahead of the others.

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

"This is not your fault." Evengale is a goddamn saint. Mom of the Year material, right there.

So I wasn't being crazy when I thought Glimpse had a crush on Lucky! :D

I'm sad, I was hoping Luna would genocide the bats

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