• Member Since 17th Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

Dradavar


What the hell did I expect, I've always been a train wreck - Mandopony

T

Some ponies just don't have any luck.

Twilight Sparkle is one of them.

Sure, other ponies might say she's the luckiest pony ever, being the personal protégé of Celestia, a well known pony in all of Equestria.

What they don't know, Twilight Sparkle isn't Twilight Sparkle.

Everything was perfect, her cover has never been blown. Until that one fateful day, the day Shining Armor, Twilight's brother, should have been married, the day of the changeling invasion.

The cleansing wave of love that send every changeling away...

There are only three ponies who know the truth, Twilight Velvet, Night Light and Twilight herself.



Edited by Jphyper, thanks for that.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 206 )

Ok, this looks interesting. I wanna see where it goes :D

This is a very interesting idea it has a great deal of potential I would love to see what you plan to do with it. you have a great opening Hook now turn it into a great story.:pinkiehappy:

Little bit of miss managed grammar and unfortunately I can't say this is the most original concept but is most certainly very well crafted so far. While short the pacing feels right and so does the emotional expression. Haven't given a description for Changeling Twilight though, shouldn't have to rely on the cover art for visualisation.

I look forward to more. :twilightsmile:

3651496>>3651429

I'm pretty sorry but this has only two chapters :pinkiegasp: This was supposed to be a oneshot, I never planned on making it a full story, so yeah there isn't much left. :raritydespair:

But thanks for your comments :twilightsmile:

Twilight is best changeling! I wonder what exactly happened to the original Twilight, though.

You good sir have earn a follow from me:moustache:

Please post chapter two soon please!

I'm sorry, but your story is riddled with typos and it's painful to read. I had to read several sentences twice to even understand them. It's also short and pretty clumsy on the narrative side. Doesn't belong even close to the feature box.

What's the source on the picture? Did you draw it yourself? Because if you didn't, you should ask for permission to use it.

there is a typo in the title, and many to follow
it should be "Celestia's"

3651820 On the subject of the picture, the artist has repeatedly stated that she doesn't want anyone to use it and doesn't give out permission. Stupid as all hell, I know, but that's just how it is.

Comment posted by abdcdweawrbitwaihjtolwtj deleted Dec 20th, 2013

3652162 And yet, against his wishes, it is used? That sucks.

*sighs* And as usual this never bothers to rethink the obvious: IF TWILIGHT WAS ALWAYS A CHANGELING AND KNEW IT SHE WOULD HAVE KNOWN CHRYSALIS WAS REALLY CADANCE!!!

And then nothing in the episodes would have happened the same way since Twiling and Chrysalis would have been attacking each other from the get-go.

That little fact is the problem with virtually all X-is-a-changeling stories: Any of those that were in Canterlot would have seen Chrysalis for what she was in an instant. The only reason they wouldn't have said anything was if they were a) terrified of reprisals b) actually on Chrysalis' side.

You can make the case for a random background pony being a changeling too frightened to speak out openly as being the one who sent the anonymous and exceedingly vague warning, but it makes sense for none of the central cast.

Seriously, how hard is that to comprehend?

3652263

You know this is fanfiction? And you might wanna think about that there might be more than one changeling hive?

What if Twilight comes from another hive? What if she can't tell that Chrysalis is a changeling because she isn't part of Chrysalis hive? As I said, this is fanfiction, it's creative writing, to express feelings, to share good laughs or scares. Instead of writing something like this you should just enjoy it or ignore stories like this. That's my opinion.

Every " x is a changeling story always goes like this: certain pony is revealed to be a changeling, everyone else trust and everything else is reduced to -9001 and automatically believe everything it says is a lie and try to kill it,

Fucking racists

3652337

Look at it this way, Changelings are a race that kidnapps ponies to feast on their love. Creatures that can easily take every form, or in this case, can become any pony they want, would you believe even a word they say? If you know what they are, would you believe even one word they tell you? What if you are one of the victims and a changelings is revealed as your boyfriend/girlfriend, would you believe the changeling if he tells you he is your boyfriend/girlfriend? I don't think so, they are not racist, they are scared, scared of what changelings are able to do.

I like this so far, but you could use an editor or two. I'd also flesh out the characters a bit more; y'know, just add a bit more meat.

I just realized that at the top of the screen there is a dot to tell you how far you are into the chapter.

This needs a ton of work. The "secret changeling" idea is pretty old and cliché at this point. That doesn't mean it's bad, but it does mean you need to do a really good job with it to rise above the crowd. So far, your effort is severely lacking. The grammar, punctuation, and spelling are all atrocious. You even have a mistake right in the title (it should be "Celestia's" with an apostrophe). The opening lines, where you describe Twilight's thinking, are pretty boring. They read like a shopping list rather than a story. Read this to get an idea of writing to show rather than tell.

If you do some major editing and clean up the problems, you could have a really good story on your hooves.

365235 *inhale* RAAAAAACIIIIIIISSSSSSTTTTTT!!! Heck even if they use a lie detector it's always "YOU FUCKING PILE OF SHIT!!! IL FUCKING KILL YOU YOU FUCKING LIAR!!!!!" Jeesus get these guys some chill pill

I'm sorry, but I don't see why this was featured, because to be honest, it fucking sucks. The premise is overdone, so you're beating a dead horse right from the get-go. Furthermore, using such an old storyline just makes you look uncreative.

If you insist on doing a story of this genre (or any other popular genre), you have to have flawless execution. You need stellar technicals, and this story's spelling, grammar, and prose are so bad that it's hard to even understand what's being said.

Your plot also needs some sort of twist that separates it from the crowd, and this fic plays out pretty much exactly like every other "main character is secretly a changeling" fic, which puts me off from reading it. I should never be able to correctly predict how your entire story will go down within the first few paragraphs, and I was able to with this one.

Your writing has some promise to it. It just needs a LOT of work. Get an editor. Read the fabulous writing guide by Ezn, conveniently located under the "FAQ" button. Write, write, write, and you will improve.

SHL

This got my interest, but it really have some gramatical errors than need to be fixed. :twilightsmile:

Eh... Needs a decent amount of work with grammar and tense/perspective shifting. You can't keep changing that. This isn't horrible, but with as many other "so-and-so is really a changeling!" stories out there, I have to say I'm disappointed by this. I was hoping for a unique take on it, but this is really, well... basic. Knowing that there's only a little bit left, this just feels... Cheap?

I know this isn't what you were thinking, so I'm sorry for how this is going to sound, but it's almost like you tried to write a sad-fic, couldn't think of anything, and went with Twilight's a Changeling, and you're not even doing anything unique. It's... I don't want to say insulting, because that's a really strong word, but this is definitely disappointing to me, at least, to read, compared to Mirror's Edge, or Solitary Locust. It just... Isn't unique in any way so far, and the grammar could use a bit of help.

Old plotline. Used plotline. Good plotline, but to make this idea work, the execution must be of a high standard.

Unfortunately, your work at this point is not exactly so. There are spelling errors. There are grammar errors. The dialogue is stilted and unnatural, the thoughts are bland and dull and the narrative has no imagination.

It is clear the ideas are there, but during the transition from your mind to the text, all the glamour and style has been swallowed up in the toxicity of poor writing quality. I recommend you acquire an editor (there are several groups designed to help authors like you succeed), attempt to convey characters in a more natural way, refrain from stating and instead show your ideas and to consult and utilise this guide made by a far more helpful fellow than myself.

I hope my advice was not terrible. I hope even more than that, that it can help you, in your own little way, to forge a better tomorrow for all humankind. As I have aspired to do with this advisory comment.

3652575

Okay I see that my english is even worse than I think it is, because for me, this sounds flawless and I'm very sorry but this has two chapters and I won't edit it. It's not like I don't like my story it's just that I just tested the writing style and wanted to see peoples reaction to it.

So please excuse any flaws, as I said, for me this sounds pretty good which means that my english is pretty damn bad if there are so many people out there who say it isn't.

English is not my native language and I pretty much learned it by reading fanfictions, mangas and watching movies in english, my school english was even worse, so yeah I'm not trying to say spare me with your comments that there are flaws, I'm more like asking to point out the flaws so I can see them and learn from them.

And yes I accept that I need a editor, but not for this story. Maybe for my next.

I would advise against posting unrefined early drafts.
Your grasp on grammar, spelling etc. is lacking, please get beta reader or two.
That should help you refine your fics.


Let’s break this down, I’ve just taken the first few lines of your work to highlight some points where it felt off.

“Twilight had everything.”

- Okay, nice little opening tag line, nothing wrong here.

“A beautiful life, friends who cared for her, she could always count on, a loving mentor and the best family there ever was.”

- Read the bolded part out loud. Reading the line, I know you’re trying to tell me “Friends She could always count on.” But it comes off weird in my mind because of that little old comma. To me, it’s like your starting a new thought. You use commas to list stuff off like so:

Butter, Milk, and Eggs

Each item listed off is separate from each other. But the way you have it set up has the middle item of “She could always count on.” Piggy backing off the first item. Which is awkard. When you list stuff off with commas, they usually are separate items. you need to reiterate your focus here.

“A beautiful life, friends who cared for her, friends she could always count on, a loving mentor, and the best family there ever was.”

Comes off much better. Also, you need to put a comma after mentor. It’s just a rule of grammar when you’re making a comma list. The last item in the list is always preceded by an “and” and you always put a comma after the penultimate word in your comma list. (Just use my butter, Milk, and Eggs as a reference to how to do it)

She had everything.

- Okay, repetition can play an important part in many ways. Nothing wrong here!

Why did it have to end this way?

- Oh? How did it end? Teasing my intrigue here. Good!

“She had always tried to tell them, she had so many chances, she should have done it so many years ago, at least to soften the psychological blow that this would cause. The letter she needed for that, the invitation to a dinner with her parents, her brother and Celestia during that she would explain everything, what had happened, how it had happened, why she had done this.”

Unfortunately this is the paragraph where you start to crumble. First off, look at how many commas you put in your first sentence. You have three commas that forms a sentence that just keeps going and going and going and going and going and going and going.

Break it up. Each of those commas could easily be a periods.

Secondly, Sentences like “The letter she needed for that.” And “the invitation to a dinner with her parents.” Make little sense. I know what you’re trying to do here. You want to increase dramatic tension. You don’t want to tell us exactly what’s going on yet because you want it to be a BIG REVEAL. So you want to remain ambiguous.

But by remaining ambiguous, nothing makes sense.

Why does Twilight need a letter? Where did the letter come from? Why would she need a letter for that? Why should it specifically be a letter? Why do we need an invitation to a dinner? Are we going to use this dinner to invite Shining Armor and Celestia so we can explain everything? Aren’t these separate thoughts?

Also you have more run ons, this whole paragraph is two sentences. Break them up. They don’t need to be this long. Give your readers a bigger break :D. Commas are good, but they aren’t a solution to proper grammar, good mechanics, and Where’s Waldo.

I’m not as good with the tenses and the more nitty gritty side of grammar. Like what is technically correct word choice and the like, but this is about all that I read before I decided to not continue.

Yes, I read through your first paragraph in your story and quit. That is how powerful good mechanics can be. But don’t let it get you down! Mechanics are easy and have a clearcut solution! Good ideas and Good narrative is where the real challenge is, and that’s where you want to hone your skills the most.
Mechanics get sorted out with Pre-reading and by rewriting.

Hope this helps! Keep at it and don’t let that inner critic win!

Great story, but you really need to get an editor.

There are a lot of tense issues and perspective changes as well as grammatical errors that others have noted.

3652472

Which kinda makes sense when they attempted to conquer your kingdom, bind you into cocoons and use you like cattle.

It's not racist when it's a WAR OF CONQUEST.

The concept has me hooked. I can't wait for more:twilightsmile:

3653545

...and you always put a comma after the penultimate word in your comma list.

There's actually considerable variation on this rule. American usage is typically as you describe, British usage typically leaves off the serial comma (e.g., butter, milk and eggs).

Interesting, but quite a number of spelling errors that spellcheck would have caught. 'Dispair' is despair for example.

More than a few grammatical and spelling mistakes, but I'll follow it nonetheless.

See you had me... but the last line makes this seem far too much like a changeling story where the pony died and its memories got sucked into a changelings body. Sorry to sound so jaded. Good Luck!

Can't wait to see where you go with this.

3653861

Well you learn something new everyday! My mistake, thank you for that!

Ignore everyone prior to me. I just read it and didn't have any difficulty reading it. I was surprised when I read the comments and had to go back and actually look for mistakes. Anyone who knows me knows that my pet peeve is what I like to call "grammatical potholes", i.e. the words are so broken up that smooth reading is broken up like a car hitting a pothole on a flat road. I found no such literary roadblock, so fuck whatever everyone else says. have a few moustaches for attempting something and succeeding in the attempt. You wanted to know what your audience thinks? I think that I want more!
:moustache::moustache::moustache:

Interesting start. A few typos here and there, but not enough to really bother me. Anyways, I'm definitely interested in seeing more.
Liked and faved, ready for round two. :twilightsmile:

3654634

Tons of awkward grammar, run on sentences, and strange phrasing that require a sentence be read several times to figure out the author's meaning.

Missing commas and apostrophes all over.

Hops from present tense to past tense, (a common problem with authors who try to write stories in the present tense.)

Typos and incorrect word usage (such as of instead of off.)


No, the premise interests me enough to follow it, but he needs an editor desperately. You can't pretend this many errors in so little writing isn't going to pull people out of the experience.

This needs a good editor.

I'm seeing tense changes, flips to first person narrative, quite a few errors...

It's a mess.

An interesting mess, one that might have been played out a few times, but still a mess.

Keep going though. You only get better by doing.

3655077 In fact, here is a paragraph chosen at random:

Raritys mouth escapes a gasp, she even recoils a step as she notices the changeling on the floor, Fluttershy was hiding behind Rainbow Dash, hiding her face behind her mane, Rainbow on the other side just looked down on the changeling, ready to smash it to pieces if it does more than twitching.

This is all ONE massive sentence.

Here is a rewrite:

A gasp escaped Rarity's mouth as she recoiled from the changeling on the floor. Fluttershy hid behind Rainbow Dash, her face concealed behind her mane. Rainbow looked down at the changeling, ready to smash it to pieces if it did more than twitch.

Please read both and tell me again that the author's grammar and spelling don't bother you.

(The author doesn't seem to know when to use past and present tense, so I corrected everything to past tense. While stories can be written in present tense, it isn't a good idea unless the author is really committed to it.)


Edit: Just looked back on the comments and saw that English isn't the author's first language, which makes the errors far more understandable.

Comment posted by Perteks deleted Dec 20th, 2013

Kinda seen this premise a few times already. One of the mane 6 is secretly a changeling and she doesn't know it, or does know, but keeps it a secret, until the wedding. I even saw two fics where Twilight was actually secretly a Changeling Princess.

Still gonna read though, because I'm interested to see what you're going to do with it.

3653545

I have to thank you for this, it helps so much that you actually took your time to explain my mistakes. Again thanks for that.

Comment posted by Exterminate Regenerate deleted Dec 20th, 2013

Read This Chapter While Listening To 'The Life And Death Of Amy Pond' By Murray Gold. It Goes Perfectly. 'This Is Gallifrey' Also Works. As Does 'The Doctor's Theme (Season 2 And 4)'. And 'Madame De Pompadour'. And 'A Dazzling End'. And 'The Face Of Boe'.

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