• Member Since 9th Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen February 7th

SHL


Brony. Nerd. Hentai. King.

T

Love is a marvelous thing. It could be stronger than steel and eternal like the time itself. Sometimes, love makes a pony to take the most painful and difficult path for the good of her love. A pony like Applejack.

She loves Twilight more than anything. But, when she realizes something that make her fears for the alicorn's future, she does what she thinks that is right regardless of her own feelings: Leaving Twi to protect her.

However, not only the feelings between the two mares are very strong, but also there are some friends that believe in their love and they will do something to bring back the two together.

My entry for the TwiJack Contest #1: Hearth's Warming

Thanks to my proofreaders Jake R, gwg, LunarLover and TwilightFox.

Cover design by my friend Aran Slayder

Please, leave a comment! ^^

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 42 )
SHL

Please, let your comments! :pinkiehappy:

gwg

hmmm, this is interesting, a fascinating start. I am unsure of how it will progress, but I want to know. To be honest I came here for the raridash, but I will stay for this. There are some grammatical errors here that disturb the flow of reading, but nothing too serious. I shall withhold my judgement on this tale until it is complete.

SHL

3635452
Don't worry, you will have your RariDash in the second chapter :pinkiehappy:

And for the gramatical errors, sorry, English isn't my first language and I'm trying my best :twilightsheepish:

gwg

3635639 I could help; fixing grammar is my specialty. I can be one of proofreaders/editors, if you would like. Send me a PM if you are interested.

SHL

3635645
Thanks for the offer :pinkiehappy:

And everypony, feel free to leave a comment about the story! :twilightsmile:

I do hope AJ and Twilight find a way back together. But i hate to say it i can understand AJ's reasoning. If Twilight is Immortal then that would only cause both of them to get hurt in the long run. AJ growing older and Twilight staying the Same. Cant wait for the next Update
:ajsmug:

SHL

3637246
I'm glad that you liked! :pinkiehappy: And for understand the poor AJ :ajsmug:

SHL

Stay tuned! The second chapter is coming in a few minutes! The rest, between tonight and tomorrow... in my country :pinkiehappy:

I like it, but I can't really see where this fic is going. It's kind of like a dark tunnel atm, and it doesn't really compel me to be excited or leave me wanting more. If this was a one-shot it could work better, since it has no 'to be continue' feel to the end of it, rather it's basically; Once upon a time Applejack broke up with Twilight, the end. *finishes popcorn, leaves theater*

If you would have ended it with something like this:

“Do you… do you want a cup of cocoa?” The dragon asked once Twilight was too tired to cry anymore. The alicorn nodded weakly without saying a word, still asking herself why Applejack would leave her.

She didn’t have an answer...

But by Celestia, she was going to find out!

Then THAT would have left me feeling excited about the upcoming chapter and left me wanting more. :raritywink:

SHL

3637378
Initially, it would be a one-shot, but since the deadline for the contest was almost here and that the fic it is a lot more long that I thought at the beginning, then I decided to divide it in 3 chapters and an epilogue :twilightsmile:

Maybe with this second chapter already published I'll get again your interest or maybe not. Anyway, everypony enjoy it! :pinkiehappy:

cant wait to see how Twilight reacts to AJ's reason. Hopefully the damage isnt to severe that it cant be fixed in some way. As for Rarity and Dash that is a cute couple.
:rainbowkiss: :raritywink:

SHL

3637896
I'm happy that you liked :pinkiehappy: Especially the RariDash part, initially they didn't go to be a couple, but you know, misteries if the mind. My brain came up with ideas and I followed him :twilightsmile:

This story is good so far! :pinkiehappy:
I hope for more soon! :twilightblush:
Make's me wounder if your really going on the Immortal alicorn or the fact that the writers said she wont outlive her friends... :rainbowhuh:
I give you a thumbs up for good story...
But damn so many ERRORS! :raritydespair:
and for some reason this story make me remember the song No more I love you's by Annie Lennox... it does and it dont match this....

SHL

3641793
Errors? Where? :pinkiegasp:

And I swear as Celestia as my witness that I don't know that story you mentioned. Neither the autor. :twilightoops:

SHL

And now it's finished! Enjoy the end! :pinkiehappy:

It may be just me but i really think the ending is good! :raritystarry:
but i may be just a big sap.... :raritycry:
thanks for the good story! :pinkiehappy:

I loved the ending... Very good fanfic!

great ending. even though it is a sad ending some what. I mean twilight living forever and have to live with the fact that each reincarnation of AJ will keep ending with her Dying. Twilight is a very strong pony.
Loved the story
:ajsmug: :heart: :twilightsmile:

SHL

3642924
Thanks :pinkiehappy: I'm glad that you liked!

3643426
I saw that like everytime that AJ passed away isn't a "Goodbye" but a "See you soon". That make things easier ^^

Anyway, I'm glas that you liked! :pinkiehappy:

3641805
its a song not a story lol youtube it :derpytongue2:
it really dont match your story but,,,, your story sure made me think of it for some reason...

don't mind me...im a bit random at times :pinkiegasp:

SHL

3645499
We all are random sometimes. My mind is random too much time :pinkiehappy:

English isn't my language, so I can't judge your writing style, but I liked the strong emotions you put in this fic :) The beginning was a little banal in my opinion, but then it became interesting. Applejack loves Twilight more than anything, she wants to sacrifice her happiness for Twilight's... This is admirable, and this is the real spirit of love. She was wrong, but she only wanted Twilight to be happy :) I also liked the short scene with Rarity and Rainbow Dash :D I have already said that I loved the ending <3 So I liked the story ^^
P.S.: I'm sorry for my horrible english, perhaps I did some grammatical mistakes XD
Ciao! (Bye :3)

SHL

3645992
English isn't my language too :pinkiehappy: So don't worry

Made it to the very end.. read "until we meet again, sugarcube" after that i started bawling my eyes out:raritycry:

SHL

3676265
I hope that you enjoy the story :twilightsmile:

This story started out looking okay back in chapter 1, but man... so much telling, and so many prose problems.

A few things:

1) Whenever a different person speaks, it needs to be a new paragraph 100% of the time. So if Twilight says something, then someone responds, then twilight responds to them, that's three paragraphs, not one.

2) You need to better know when to show and when to tell. Telling is fast, and good for skipping over things that don't matter or avoiding content that you don't need to belabor. However, when you're dealing with something important, showing is generally key; that is to say, when you've got a back and forth conversation, saying someone is sad in your narration is not how you want to do it. You want to show us that they're sad, make us feel like they're sad, not just... say it outright. There are several points at which the narration gets too telly in conversations, which is distracting.

3) I don't really know why you put RariDash in this story.

SHL

3678236
Thanks for your comment.

1º This one I'm aware and I'll try to avoid it in the future.

2º This is more complicated, but I think I understand your point. I'll keep in mind.

3º Well... At the beginning, I was thinking to simply do that RD and Rarity were the ones who talked with AJ, but nothing more. But later, I thought that I could put them as a couple and I did it, in parte because the TwiJack group and the RariDash group are allies. I wanted to show that alliance in my fic. Maybe it wasn't a good Idea, I don't know.

I want to like this. I mean TwiJack!
Surprise RariDash! :pinkiegasp:

It's like you are a man after my own heart!

But I cannot come to grips with Applejack here. I cannot for the life of me think Applejack would have such a hang up on this. She's experienced losing a family member. Two even! She knows what it's like! Which means she also knows its not the end of the world. She would be the last character out of the main 6 to act this way.

If it was the other way around, our ever-irrational-scholar and over-emotional-librarian breaking it off to spare Applejack for some reason or other, I could maybe believe it.

Also, technical errors ended up ripping me out of the story enough for me to actually notice this character disconnect.

Things like:

“Ah said now!” At that point, the earth pony was enraged, her face red and breathing in rapid gasps, and Rarity was scared, with her ears down, while her marefriend insisted “Then, answer us. Why did you leave Twilight? Remember that I won’t accept anoth-”

In this you started with AJ talking and ended the same paragraph with Rainbow talking. You are supposed to start a new paragraph when a new character talks. This and other things ended up killing it for me. Sorry.

SHL

3814507
The paragraph problem is something I learn and in the future I will try my best to don't repeat again. Thought, is only my second story (a very long one, compared with my first), plus English isn't my language. Problems and errors were expected for me :twilightblush:

The Applejack's attitude.... I see your point. I mean, yeah, you made a very good point that could be true. But also it's possible that she thinks that Twilight could take a loss well and she wants to avoid her pain. Here we enter in a more personal field, in which each one had his opinion. No doubt, you're opinion is good and maybe, just maybe, this could be better if the overreacting one was Twilight. I don't know. One big problem of that option is, to me, that I don't see how make the Rainbow Dash intervention. It's one of the parts of this fic that I most proud or happy with it.

Probably one of the biggest problems with this fic is that I wrote with hurry, to fast, with a lot of pressure. Personal pressure that I put on myself, to make this ready to the TwiJack contest. Clearly, I wasn't ready to a challenge of that level. But, hey, I learned something :twilightsmile:

Besides, I'm very happy that, at least, I got your interest for my fic for a moment :pinkiehappy: Sorry that in the end you didn't enjoy it.

How is she the "former'' elemet oh honesty...they're all still the elements :rainbowhuh:

SHL

3898672
This is post start of season 4. They didn't have the Elements anymore and we didn't know yet what the heck is inside the box.

`Couple notes: There should never be two character's dialogue in the same paragraph.
Ex:

“Hey, Twi.” Rainbow spoke. “You packed a lot of bags for two days, didn’t you? Is the princess business making you act like Rares and take a lot of unnecessary things?“ Rarity stared at Dash, furrowing her brow while the other ignored her and grinned. Pinkie chuckled a little, transmitting it to Twilight. “Anyway, girls.” The still librarian started to talk. “I want to ask you for a favor. To be honest, I will be more than two days in Canterlot. Maybe a week or two. That’s why I have plenty of luggage. So, could you help Spike with the library and keep an eye on him?”

Should be:

“Hey, Twi.” Rainbow spoke. “You packed a lot of bags for two days, didn’t you? Is the princess business making you act like Rares and take a lot of unnecessary things?“ Rarity stared at Dash, furrowing her brow while the other ignored her and grinned. Pinkie chuckled a little, transmitting it to Twilight.

“Anyway, girls.” The still librarian started to talk. “I want to ask you for a favor. To be honest, I will be more than two days in Canterlot. Maybe a week or two. That’s why I have plenty of luggage. So, could you help Spike with the library and keep an eye on him?”

Also, when you out a speech tag(he said, she spoke, whispered quietly, etc.) with dialogue, it should have a comma instead of a period.

Ex:

“Anyway, girls.” The still librarian started to talk. “I want to ask you for a favor. To be honest, I will be more than two days in Canterlot. Maybe a week or two. That’s why I have plenty of luggage. So, could you help Spike with the library and keep an eye on him?”

Should be:

“Anyway, girls,” the still librarian started to talk, “I want to ask you for a favor. To be honest, I will be more than two days in Canterlot.”

Also, you have your characters stutter so much it becomes distracting. Stuttering can be used in highly charged emotional moments, but it should be a very light sprinkle. There are times when its so thick it seems like the characters have speech impediments.

I enjoyed this story, and I hope this little critique helps.:pinkiehappy:

SHL

4026358
Thanks. I know that this story is worse that the first one for some errors. I writed with so much hurry and that's not good.

I wouldnt mind a Sequel to this story to be honest. Showing Twilight and Applejacks life together

SHL

4178921
I don't think that I'll write it. The story had mistakes in some ways and first, maybe, need a rewrite.

(Grits teeth and answers slowly and hesitantly) the few lines made me cry.

SHL

4508929 That's a good or a bad thing?

4511287 both. Most of my stories are rather dark, so I don't really have any 'd'aww' moments or 'omigosh, that was so sad and so cute'.

SHL

4511680 Weel, I hope that you enjoyed the story :pinkiehappy:

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