An Unfinished Chapter Which I Promise To Eventually Finish Someday, I'm So Sorry For Being Dead For 3 Years
"Uh, why am I doing this again?" My newly-hired henchpony asked as she dangled from the ceiling, tied to a rope, trapped in a metal cage, hanging above a water tank filled with sharks and electric eels.
"It's a very complicated process of insurance fraud and healthcare, while also building and maintaining an understanding of mutual trust between the workplace." I explained to the adorable Derpster. "Also, it's because I'm trying to trick your friends into drinking at our Evil Coffee Shop by making them think that I kidnapped you as my hostage." I added in as a footnote.
"Uh... okay then. I guess that makes sense?" She hesitantly agreed, doing that cute thing she does by scrunching up her adorable nose.
"Minion-bots! How's the stage setup coming along?" I asked the minion-bots around as they continued to calibrate cameras and tweaking the floodlights.
"The stage is all set and raring to go. All that's left is you giving us the cue, and we can begin rolling!" The minion-bot behind the camera gave a thumbs up.
"Good!" Just a few steps closer to finally initiate scenario seven. "Oh right, that reminds me- Derpy, did you memorize your lines yet?" I turned to ask her.
"My wha-?"
"Eh, that's ok. I'll have a minion-bot hold up some cue cards that I already prepared." I stuck two fingers near my mouth and whistled, before shouting out, "Cue Card-bot! ASSEMBLE!"
"You did not have to do that. I was literally standing right here the entire time." My Cue Card-bot grumbled next to me, rubbing the sound receptors in his head.
"Perfect! Now, Derpy, when you see him hold up the cue cards, read whatever's on them, okay?" I instructed her.
"Sure thing! I can definitely do that!" She said cheerfully.
Excellent. Everything is proceeding to plan. All that was left was to prepare myself, and do the thingy with the coffee thing.
The door just behind Derpy opened and shut, and in came a Minion-bot flipping through his clipboard files. "Sir, we've sent out two dozen more of our units to distract the horse-women by dying to their nonexistent hands. We can't spare another one to go out there. Are you ready to initiate scenerio- GAH!"
Clumsily, he tripped over and fell through my cardboard cutout drawing of a water tank filled with sharks and electric eels. There was now a noticeable hole in the cardboard.
"NO! Aw god damn it!" A nearby minion-bot dropped a can of paint and ran over to the hole, "I spent months painting that in order to make it look as realistic as possible! And now it's ruined!"
"Sorry, sorry! I didn't mean to!" The minion-bot frantically moved to get up and nervously observed his mess. Looking over to me with a nonexistent worried expression, "I didn't just jeopardized the entire plan, did I?"
"Sigh..." I sighed.
Walking up to the minion-bot, I grabbed his head and spun it around counter clockwise. "Woawoawoawaowaowoawaowaowaowaowa-woah"
After finally decapitating him, I reached inside the head through the neck, and pulled out some crayola crayons. I then put the head back in it's original position, spinning it around again to reattach it to the minion-bots body.
"What the hell? Why do I have crayons up in my head?"
"I put crayons in every minion-bots heads."
"Why?"
"Fuck you, that's why."
After finishing that, I went up to the cardboard with the massive gaping hole, and proceeded to redraw the whole entire thing to make it look like that the hole was intentionally put there.
Basically, it was now a cardboard cutout of a water tank filled with sharks and electric eels, with a new addition of a black hole. Just in case anyone ever gets confused by it, I also wrote in green colors above it, 'This is a black hole. Very scary.'
"There, that'll be convincing enough."
I ignored everyone else telling me how terribly unconvincing it was.
"OKAY EVERYBODY, LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD. The sooner I get this done, I sooner I go back to bed and fend off my sickness with Saturday morning cartoons." I pronounced, getting everyone to work as I prepared for my big debut.
A minion-bot in front of me commented, "You don't really seem that sick." just conveniently before I sneezed and got a huge amount of phlegm to cover his head.
"Wow, that is huge." I said, amazed at the size of such phlegm as I watched it wiggle around on top of the currently screaming minion-bot, sprinting around in panic.
Where was I again? Oh right!
"Showtime..."
Episode 9: Even Though it's Technically Only a Few Hours Since the Last Episode, It Feels Like another Year has passed by again...
"Where's Derpy?! We know you have her somewhere in here! The mystical and harmonious advert flyer said so as it whispered sweet nothings into my ear!" Twilight shouted, holding up the exact not-at-all-hypnotizing piece of flier with her magic.
The others paused in their violent and murderous rampage to give a concerned glance at Twilight.
"Twilight dear, are you feeling alright?" Rarity calmly asked, slowly trotting up to her.
"Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?" Twilight replied, oblivious to the fact that it was usually not normal for inanimate objects to whisper sweet nothings in ones ear.
"It's just... You've been acting really strange since you found this flier... I think, perhaps, it would be a good idea if we were to take it off your hooves for a bit?"
Twilight suddenly hugged the piece of paper tightly to her chest, "What? No! I found it first, so it's mine! Get your own if you want."
Subtly, Rainbow Dash snuck up from behind and yanked the flier out of Twilight's hooves.
"Wuh- Rainbow Dash!" She cried indignantly.
"Okay, time to figure out what's gotten the egghead so infartuated with this thing."
"Infatuated." Twilight corrected.
"Yeah, that too."
Rainbow Dash proceeded to read the flier.
"Hey you! You wanna join The Wonderbolts?"
Okay, that was weird for an advertisement to ask something so... specific and convenient.
"If so, then come to our newly opened 'Evil Coffee Shop!' Invite your friends, your family, your family's friends, your friend's family, your friend's friends, your family's family! Buy some of our coffee today!"
Uh...
"The coffee turns you into a Wonderbolt."
Just like that?
"Just like that. Yes."
Sounds too good to be true.
"It's not."
Hm, guess that's pretty legit.
"Hey, you seem pretty cute. Wanna go out for coffee sometimes?"
Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rarity gave a questioning glance at Rainbow Dash after she suddenly blushed and giggled like a school-filly. All the while, Twilight was glaring invisible daggers at her.
Pinkie Pie was casually exchanging recipes with one of the broken minion-bots on the floor.
"Wow! That sounds super convenient!"
"I know, right? It took me years before I finally figured that out."
Back to Twilight though.
"Can I have my flier back now?" Twilight impatiently asked.
Rainbow Dash decided to defensively curl her wings over the flirtatious flier. "Uh, I think I'll hold onto it for a bit. You've already hogged it to yourself for a while now."
"You can't do that! It's mine!" Twilight indignantly shouted.
"Yeah, well- I think that it would rather be with me instead." Rainbow Dash argued back.
The flier then started glowing purple, as Twilight tried to pull the flier back to her. Rainbow Dash, not wanting to lose her one true love so early, clenched her teeth on the flier just before it was out of her reach.
"Give. It. Back!"
"Mno!"
The other three of the Mane Six did not know what to make out of the scene in front of them.
Pinkie Pie gave a gasp as she just finished exchanging recipes. "WOW! I never knew you could use something like that before!"
"I never would have thought to use something like that as a sugar substitute for donuts. This could sell great towards people on diets!"
That was when they all heard ominous and slow sarcastic clapping.
Except Twilight and Rainbow Dash. They were still fighting over the flier who was Edward Cullen incarnate.
Slowly walking out of the shadows of the corner of the room, which wasn't there originally but somehow existed despite the fact that the shop was too well lit to even have any corner shadows in the first place, was Connery NotEvilGuy in all of his evil glory.
"Well well well, if it isn't the six ponies that have been a pain in my backside for far too long." He greeted condescendingly, despite the fact that this was literally the second time he ever met them face to face like this.
None of them payed any attention to him, as they were all too distracted by the catfight taking place.
Okay, what the hell was I witnessing here?
Apparently, two of them decided to stop terrorizing the coffee shop and started fighting each other over one of my not-at-all hypnosis advertisement fliers.
"I found it first, so it belongs to me!" The purple horsewoman yelled, using that magical unicorn glowing stuff to pull the flier out of the rainbow mane's teeth.
"And I'm telling you, it wants to be with me more!" The other one yelled back, slightly muffled due to her clenched teeth.
"You wouldn't understand it's feelings as well as I do!"
"I can at least give it the pleasure that it wants and deserves, unlike you!"
"How dare you?!"
For some odd reason, none of their friends are doing anything about this other than watch.
To be honest, I couldn't blame them. I would probably watch in astonishment at the mesmerizing event of two people fighting over a cardboard cutout of someone, shouting at each other about who's in love with it more than the other too.
This was pretty entertaining actually. I think I'll just sit back and watch this go on for a few more-
Bored now.
Imma just get out my LOLZ-Cannon- I don't think I've ever had to use this in a while...
Let's see, there were four modes for it. Child-safety mode, Knock-out mode, Serious-business mode, and Fuck-em-up-real-good mode.
Hm...
I'll set it to serious-business.
Carefully aiming between the sights, I aligned my shot just right so that I could avoid accidentally killing anyone.
Steady... aaaaaand-
*Pew*
Their boyfriend was incinerated and dissipated in the air into a million tiny molecules.
Instantly, both of the girls fell back on their horsebutts and looked around in confusion, the effects of the not-at-all hypnosis wearing off on them.
As those two gathered their bearings, the others gave their fullest attentions towards me and stepped back.
"It's dat darn alien!" The one with the southern accent and cowboy hat pointed out the obvious.
"OOOHH, YOU!" The white one with the weird curly hairstyle snarled in a rather unladylike manner, "I still haven't forgotten the trouble you caused me those few weeks ago! I had to spend two entire day's fixing my mane after you ruined it with your... whatever it was that you did last time we saw each other!"
So, she's extremely pissed at me, not because I escaped their grasps and did my evilly evil things for the past two weeks, but because I messed up her hair?
She's gonna be the easiest one to troll, I'm calling it.
As I glanced over to the butter-pink one to see what she had to say to me, she noticed my eye on her and tried to hide herself in her own bangs. "I... uh... Please give back our Derpy?"
Aw, she's cute. I like her. I'll try to mentally scar her for life less than the others.
One of my minion-bots was already busy taking care of Pinkie Pie.
That just leaves the last two girls, who were still trying to wrap their heads around what was going on.
"Were... were we fighting about something?" Rainbow asked.
"I... don't know?" Purple Nurple rubbed her forehead.
Ugh, come on guys, I really want this to be done and over with.
I switched my LOLZ-Cannon to Fuck-em-up-real-good mode, and shot at the minion-bot who was talking to Pinkie Pie.
A piano fell on top of him, making a huge and loud crash as it crushed his body but still left his head intact. "Aw, not again."
The loud crash startled everyone, as they weren't expecting a random piano to show out of nowhere to crash on the floor. Both Rainbow and Purple backed off from the sudden piano, knocked out of there stupor.
"Pay attention to me dammit!" I shouted irritably.
The two of them finally realized that I showed up, as Rainbow flared up her wings and shouted out the obvious, "Hey! It's the alien!"
"Yeah, hi again. I have a name, you know." I waved at her.
She took offense to my polite and well-mannered greeting and started to rocket towards me with an extremely fast and undodgeable speed-
Sidestep to the left.
*Crash!*
Like a glove.
"Rainbow Dash, no!" Twilight the almighty Sparkly one yelled in horror after witnessing Skittles crash into a wall, before glaring at me and charging her magical horn up with purple light effects. "How dare you hurt my friend like that!"
"Hurt who?! I didn't do anything yet! She was flying towards me, and I just slightly stepped out of her way! W-what, was I suppose to just stand there and take it?"
"YES!" She screamed, shooting magic balls of light at me.
That's some fucked up logic bro.
I involuntarily flinched as I saw the magic missiles home in towards me, remembering the terrible terrible time I had back in Queen Sunbutt's care. But as the projectiles just fizzle out the moment they touch me, I couldn't help but wonder why it doesn't seem to work anymore.
A variable must have changed somewhere between my time here. A strange phenomenon that was curious enough to pique my curiosity as a scientist.
I really need to learn more about how magic works in this world.
But back at the matter at hand...
As Twilight starts looking flabbergasted at how none of her magic missiles had any effect on me, I pulled out a megaphone out of my ass and turned it on, causing a loud static screech to bounce around in the room and making everyone stop what they were doing.
I patiently waited for the noise of the loud static to subside, as well as everyone's pained groans. Then I calmly spoke into the megaphone. "EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP."
I patiently waited for the noise of the loud static to subside, as well as everyone's painful groans. Then I threw the megaphone out the window, which caused a cat to screech for some reason.
"Now, before any of you do anything that involves violence and bodily harm towards me," I gestured them to all calm down, "I propose a negotiation."
"Negotiating for what?" Twilight asked, glaring at me that was somewhat similar to Sunbutt's glare except not as intimidating.
"Why, for my hostage of course!" With that said, I pulled out a remote and pressed the ever living shit out of it.
All was silent as nothing happened immediately.
They traded glances with each other, then around the room, wondering what was supposed to happen.
I stuck to my button-pressing pose, weird maniacal smile and all.
Rainbow Dash steadily walked back over to the rest of them, holding her head as she tried to stop herself from losing balance. "Uh, what's going on now? I miss anything?"
Then, after it was already awkward enough, a minion-bot finally entered the room while pushing a TV set on wheels. After putting it to a comfortable spot so that everyone in the room could see it, he pressed the on switch and walked back the way he came.
The screen flickered on to reveal the terrible sight of DERPY HOOVES TIED UP IN A ROPE, INSIDE A METAL CAGE, HANGING ABOVE A WATER TANK FILLED WITH ELECTRIC EELS AND SHARKS, WITH A GIANT GAPING BLACK HOLE TO THE SIDE OF IT!
They all gasped in horror! Obviously falling into my ruse, and thus, falling into my evil manipulative hands!
"Wait, seriously?" The minion-bot head on the floor asked incredulously.
"Hello. My name is Derpy Hooves." Derpy slowly and emotionlessy spoke over the live recording, her eyes steadily moving right to left. "I am... being kept pr-prisoner... by the nefa--... nef- Uh...?"
"Nefarious."
"Nefarious... and evil emperor of all alien-ness, Evil Lord Emperor Connery NotEvilGuy. Please, oh please, Purple Horse Woman and Friends, do not listen to this f-f-fiend?"
"Yeah, fiend."
"Do not listen to this fiend, for he is definitely evil, and is most likely setting up an evil trap. And that is not very nice."
As Derpy finished her lines, I laughed diabolically and up the Ham factor to eleven. "MUAHAHAHAHA! Your friend here must be very clever than she looks if she had figured that out! Unfortunately for her, you ponies have no choice but to follow my every commands! That is, if you want her to live another day to see her children again!"
"What kind of monster are you to do this to an innocent pony?!" Twilight asked enraged.
"The evil kind, of course!" I chuckled evilly, "
Twilight does a thing.
Thing don't work cuz magic.
Connery pulls out remote from his ass.
Tv shows up from out of nowhere.
TV shows Derpy hanging above a tank full of sharks, eels, and pirahnas.
Literally all six of the girls fall for it.
"One of these days, I swear to god."
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At last, is here........Hip Hip Huzzah
In the picture, is that Celestia or Luna?
7731689 Who is Rick Sanchez?
I have failed you...
7788055 rick from rick and morty.
*starts beating self* Failure! Failure! Failure! Failure!
I waited forever for more chapters and I got one, now I am temporarily happy!
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It's okay.
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It's going to be all right.
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO UPDATE YAY
Just sleep for the next 8700 hours, then write in the next 8700 hours. Solid plan. Can't go wrong.
"In".
Missing comma, the hyphen should be an em dash (—), and the space between the hopefully soon to be em dash and "Derpy" should be deleted.
The hyphen should be an em dash (—).
The hyphen should be an em dash (—), and the space should be deleted.
Missing punctuation, possibly an exclamation point.
This should not have an apostrophe. Right now, this is "...head back in it is original position..."
This, however, needs an apostrophe. After the s since it is a possessive plural.
Missing comma.
This should be "the".
The period should be a comma and "just conveniently' should be "conveniently just".
The period should be a comma.
Missing comma.
The hyphen should be an em dash (—), and the space should be deleted.
If this is narration, fine. However, if this is Rainbow Dash speaking, these all need open and close quotation marks. Or if she is somehow communicating with the paper subconsciously, you need some indication of that, too.
Missing commas.
The hyphen should be an em dash (—), and the space should be deleted.
The comma is unneeded.
Each "well" needs a comma after it.
The comma is unneeded.
This is in present tense and should be in past tense.
The hyphen should be an em dash (—).
The hyphen should be an em dash (—), and the space should be deleted. Also, either "ever" or "in a while" is unneeded.
The hyphen should be an em dash (—).
"Southern" should be capitalized.
"Left".
Missing "up".
Missing comma.
The hyphen should be an em dash (—).
The comma is unneeded.
"She" should be lowercase.
Missing comma.
"To".
This "out" is unneeded.
Missing comma.
There seems to be a "with a glare" missing. Also, missing comma.
Missing comma.
The hyphens should be em dashes (—).
Either change "very" to "more" or lose "than she looks".
The comma should be a period and there is an extra space between the hopefully soon to be period and the end quote.
All the mistakes notwithstanding, this was an enjoyable chapter. Glad to know you are still alive. I guess those assassins failed. They probably would have succeeded had I known who you really are and what you really look like. Worst $19,000 I ever spent. It is going to be a long seventeen months waiting for the next chapter, but I am sure I can be that patient.
~KBO.
oh I love this story
You should drink more, you seem to write better
I don't even man I thought this was dead years ago
Everytime I read it, I laugh really hard. Please continue it
yeet
*kssh* *Myaaewww!*
While absolutely hilarious, perhaps because it's so overplayed (and then overplayed again in here) maybe one day you can (just to mess with expectations)...
*ksssh* *My Car!*
(Adjust for the fact that they don't have cars (Chicken coop, window, produce cart, all are good options) OR leave it in for that extra bit of cognitive dissonance, because this story is a glorious troll anyway.)
This would be funny because it has been a cat every other time. Also, no one in the story should comment on the fact that it wasn't a cat this time. Just for more fun.
R.I.P Story. Me and my sister always loved.
Ok I gotta ask. Why there's a duck on the cover art?
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In case you still didn't know what OOC means, It means (Out Of Character) hopefully that sums it up for you :)
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:)