Ever met the nicest villain in the world? These ponies sure have. Insanity ensues!
Cover Art by FriendlyTwo3 *Takes place after season 2 finale.* (Currently revising past chapters to make them sexier and more appealing.) (Currently revising summary description.) (Note to self, remember to eventually revise summary description.)
Diabolical and evil human goes to Equestria, and tries to take over the world? Pfft, if he's "Evil", then that one guy who doesn't say 'bless you' when you sneeze must be Hitler reincarnate.
A HiE fanfic that was probably done a couple times before, BUT I MADE IT BETTER.
Wacky protagonist genius, an army of robots with stun-guns, a goal of domination, a moral code, and a determined mindset! Meet "Evil Lord Emperor Connery NotEvilGuy!" The inevitable future emperor of us all!
You can tell that he's pure evil, because he has the word "Evil" in his last name!
A guy that steal money from you, if you're a Government official that likes to deal drugs and smuggle newborn infants. A guy that will build a laser that can blow up the freakin' moon, but only if it was about to crash into us. He'll freakin' TICKLE YOU if you defy him and his empire!
Yeah... Diabolical mastermind right there.
Rated T: For lots of potty-mouth nonsense.
As of 5/12/14 I GOT FEATURED HOLY S*** I AM SO HAPPY OH MY GOD, I GOT FEATURED, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT, OH GOD! I LOVE ALL OF YOU!
Today was the day when the history of an alien world would change forever... again. The day where Equestria would change its face. The special day where the citizens of the land everywhere, would cheer and celebrate!
There I was, marching up the steps in front of her throne. The Solar Monarch smiled motherly as she stood from her throne and walked right up to me.
The entire room was filled with the land's citizens and robots, staring and holding their breaths, (except the robots. They were just staring).
The front row consisted of all of my loyal minions, including the six familiar girls who I proudly called my most trusted henchmen, and my dearest friends.
The princess in front of me moved to bow her head, until I raised my hand and interrupted her. "Wait."
She looked up at me in confusion, so I elaborated. "Don't... Don't do the 'bowing' thing. Just... salute."
The princess did so, and although I couldn't see it, I had a feeling that most of my henchmen were smiling at me right now.
She looked me in the eye, and I looked back at hers. These were the same eyes which had once been filled with doubt and anger, that once belonged to one who swore that she would get rid of me. I smiled, because I knew those eyes now belonged to a trusted partner.
And then she said the words that would change Equestria forever.
"I, Princess Celestia, exchange my crown and leadership to you, and vow to serve under you, and your empire, Evil Lord Emperor Connery NotEvilGuy, leader of the new Evil Overlord Empire of Equestria."
"WOAH! HOLD THE PHONE! HEY NOW. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE?" Is probably what your face is saying right now.
Your face's mouth is also probably uttering the following sentences, "What the hell is going on?", "Why is Celestia giving away her leadership?", and most likely "Wow, not even ten minutes in, and I could already tell this is going to be a shitty story."
Firstly, as a response to your third statement: Keep that shit to yourselves, jerks.
Now to answer your second question: Look at the answer for question one.
Lastly, to answer your first question: It could ALL be answered by reading the story, which is conveniently going to be told... right... ABOUT... wait for it...
...
...
...
NOW!
But I AM Evil!
Prologue: A Mad Genius Who Rules With A Feathery and Fluffy Iron Fist!
So it all started on the other legendary day when Equestria had one of the most fuck-upiest days ever... again.
So there she was, Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria, a few weeks after the recent incident, where her niece's wedding (or at least I think it was her niece, I don't know, there was never any "Royal Monarch family-line Guide" the whole time I was over here,) was just crashed by invading insect bug ponies that sucked the "love" right outta ya. Long story short, bug ponies lost, happy ending for the last short remaining surviving ponies, newlyweds went on their honeymoon, then proceeded to do the "nasty" in bed.
Anyway, here was Celestia, presently in her courtroom, doing court things, such as listening to ponies bitching all day about their first-world problems, like how they don't like their neighbors, how they want the sun to stop making the place so hot, how some guy's brother died during the invasion and now they don't have any income money to support themselves and live in the streets and the baby sister has cancer. Pffft, stupid first-world problems.
If you'd ask her today, she would deny it, but I knew that she wished for something exciting to happen at that specific particular moment.
And at THAT specific particular moment, my life just got fucked over, right up in the ass.
Best day of my life.
During a very long rant of one of the ponies, a strong sudden gust of wind flowed around the room, interrupting them. The papers flew out of their hooves, and were flying about everywhere! Then a light appeared in the middle of the room, shining brightly enough that most of the ponies had to reflexively cover their eyes. Except this one guard, who pulled out some convenient, badass aviators. Props to that guard.
The light shined brighter, and suddenly, the sound-effect of ripping cloth fabrics could be heard, as the light showed that there was a small blue line, which expanded steadily, growing into a big blue hole. The room steadily picked up wind. Soon, there was so much wind that most of the ponies had to hold on to something for dear life, scared that they might be violently blown away! Except that one badass aviators guard. He was just chillaxing there like a bawss. Props to that guard.
As the bright blue hole got bigger, a faint sound came from within. The sound slowly grew louder, as whatever was in the hole got closer and closer!
"......uuuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" I yelled, and out came ME! The main character of this special story! I flew out of the portal and landed right in front of the monarch, grunting out of pain.
Immediately after that, the portal which I had plopped out of disappeared. The wind stopped blowing, the papers landed gently on the floor, ponies in the room were scattered about (except that one guard with the badass aviators. Props). The whole courtroom was a giant mess.
The strange being, which was me by the way, in front of the princess groaned from pain and nausea. The ponies gathered around, staring at me with curiosity and fear. Celestia, however, was more curious and cautious.
I suddenly hopped up, to which the ponies gasped in surprise. I looked around the room through my "Evil-Goggles™"
I pulled the goggles up my head and took out my glasses. Looking around, I saw horses. Horses with wings and horns, or both. Horses that defied all of natural nature and logic, horses that DEFIED SCIENCE ITSELF!
And the only thing I could think of to say at that moment...
"Well... This is gonna be good."
01 - Meeting Queen Sunbutt For the First Time. (Redux Edition)
Okay! Before all that, let's rewind a little further back so that I can explain why I was traveling through some random universe portal thing in the first place. But to tell you that, IT'S HISTORY TIIIME!
It all started on a planet called "EARTH." It was the year 2109, in the land of my home, Cluetopia. Or now known legally as, "The Evil Overlord Empire of Cluetopia!" But I'll tell you how that part came to be another day.
Anyway, there I was, in my "Super Secret Base of Evil®" just resting, having a nice time, while also partially drunk... as hell. My minion-bots and I decided to throw a celebration party for our one-year-anniversary for the conquering of my first country! However, during my drunken phase, I somehow built... a transportal gun.
Let me repeat that. I had BUILT a gun, that shoots PORTALS TO ANOTHER UNIVERSE, while I was DRUNK.
WHILE I WAS DRUNK.
So yeah, that happened.
Didn't even know it could do that, until Captain Duck shot it at me- That reminds me, I'll get to him in a bit.
So here's what happened. While I had my hangover...
"INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!" My extremely loud and noisy computer alarmed the entire base.
Seriously, just imagine having a hangover and listening to THAT repeatedly.
Someone had broken into my evil lair, and that particular someone went by the name of Captain Duck, my dear old nemesis. He had just broken down the door to the room that I had woken up in, and my minion-bots were going into hysterics.
Captain Duck is a... Well this is kinda hard to explain his appearance since he's a... um...
"QUACK QUACK QUACK!"
Duck... With a cape.
Yeah. He was my greatest nemesis...
*Fun fact: He's also a direct descendant of the Aflac commercial duck. Imagine that.*
So anyway, there he was, breaking down doors, destroying my equipment and robots. And there I was, screaming like a little girl, "AAAHH! DEAR GOD WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!" with green laser beams flying everywhere, my minions trying to shoot Captain Duck down... and failing.
Captain Duck was running all around the place, doing ninja-flips, ninja-kicks, just plain ninja-murdering my bots. Then he came running directly at me... and I started wondering where the hell he got that weird gun from.
You could already tell how this was gonna go down.
He shot a portal right behind me, and it sucked up everything like a vacuum. My minion-bots, random computer-junk, nearby empty beer bottles, and also me, who was holding onto a computer console for dear life. But then my fingers started slipping, and I thought, "Wow. I'm probably going to die... Neat!"
So, I wanted to yell out my last final evil words to the hero, you know, because I'm the evil villain and such.
"CUURSE YOOUU, CAPTAIN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu........." I lost grip and got sucked into the portal.
And that was how I ended up inside an alien prison.
*CLANGCLANG* "HELLO? Whatever it is that you think I did, I was framed for it! Otherwise, I would have gotten away with it!" I loudly exclaimed, banging against my cell wall, my arm and leg cuffs jingling as I do so.
Overkill much? All I did was touch the big white one a few times, took her crown, wore it on my head, rubbed her wings, and hopped on her back to try to fly her. Not like I did anything bad.
"Did I do something offensive? I kinda feel some hostility here!" I continued to yell, only to have silence in response. Although, I heard an annoyed groan outside the room.
Points for me!
You know, they were REALLY lucky that I wasn't acting hostile towards them right now, because they forgot to search me and take away any of my weapons and tools. I still had my emergency belt hidden under my black lab coat, equipped with my "Evil Kit of Escaping Prison-Kit", and my LOLZ-Cannon, a laser-gun that I modified from a stolen laser police pistol thing.
I mean, I could escape right now... Buuuuut that would be boring. Besides, you know what they say: Cats have nine lives, so curiosity can go fuck itself, I have eight more, bitch!
So after being stuck in there for a while, someone finally came in the room. It was Princess Celestia, but I didn't know her name at the time, so I proceeded to greet her as so.
"Hi there, Queen Sunbutt!"
Cliché? Probably. Still a funny nickname though.
She responded to that by pausing mid-step, giving me a surprised yet confused stare. Which I responded with a innocent smile. After a while, she shook her head and greeted me with, "Greetings..."
She walked up to my cage door, and examined me. Studying me. I did the same.
She looked at me, I looked back at her.
She stared at me, I stared back at her.
She had her eyes on me, and I spaced the fuck out due to massive boredom for how long this was taking.
Finally done with ogling at me, she started, "Do you have a name?"
"Why yes, I do." I answered.
"..."
"..."
Celestia awkwardly looked around, bothered by the awkward silence, and asked, "Would you tell me your name then?"
I was gonna take a guess here and say that these horse people don't like evil villains. I should just give her my name, and not my full title, in order to avoid making me seem suspicious. "My name is Connery NotEvilGuy! It's nice to meet you!" I cheerfully and obliviously introduced myself.
"Thank you, Connery Not... EvilGuy? Um... That's quite a strange name you have." She raised her pony eyebrow at me in suspicion.
Taking insult to that, I replied, "Well that's not very nice. You don't see me making fun of YOUR name, Queen Sunbutt!" I gave an indignant 'Hmph' and turned my head away.
"I apologize, I didn't mean it like that..." Pausing, she glared at me bemusedly. "And Queen Sunbutt is not my name." She deadpanned. "I am called Princess Celestia."
"Really? Huh, the tattoo caught me off-guard... Well, at least my name is still better than yours. And more creative. And original... And awesome." I retorted wittingly.
She, obviously, was too starstruck by my words of evil genius wisdom to reply back! Look at her! Look at how she gazed at me with such admiration!
"Riiight..." She dragged out, rubbing her head tiredly.
Okay, so I lied last sentence. I obviously looked like an insane idiot in her eyes. But this was all part of the plan!
What plan? FUCK IF I KNOW WHAT PLAN, BUT I'M ROLLING WITH IT ANYWAY!
"If you could please answer my questions, Mr-" She hesitated for a bit, before sighing in resignation, "NotEvilGuy. If you can prove to me that you meant no harm, I could deem you safe enough to be allowed to leave this prison cage. I imagine that it's quite uncomfortable in there?"
I blankly glanced at my heavily restricted cuffs on my knees and wrist, and the cold and hard prison floor that I was sitting on. Facing back at her, I answered as monotone as I could. "Nah, it's like a freaking luxurious mansion, fit for a king. Whatever gave you the idea that I was uncomfortable, sitting here on this uncomfortable floor, chained in these uncomfortable cuffs?"
She rolled her eyes at my obvious sarcasm. "At least this hopefully means you'll be cooperative." She cleared her throat, beginning her interrogation. "Let's start off with-"
"If you somehow found a rubber chicken under your crown after I wore it, it was definitely not me!"
Awkward pause.
She furrowed her eyebrows, and continued, "Starting off, for what reason did you come here?"
"Well, I didn't really come here willingly. Your guards shackled me and threw me in this little jail cell by force."
She was slowly starting to grow exasperated the more she talked to me, and it showed. "I didn't mean your prison cell, I meant here in this land, called Equestria. I don't recognize your kind, and I can't seem to find any record of your species in the history books. I'm going to safely assume that this is the first time in history that a being like you showed up in our land. Showed up in some sort of portal rift in the middle of castle court, no less. How did you get here?"
"Uh... Would you believe me if I said that I got here by accident because a duck with a cape tried to kill me?"
Using up all of what little patience she had left on me, she face-palmed. Or, face-hoofed, since she was a horse and all.
After subjecting Sunbutt to advanced counter-interrogation torture, one of her guards busted into the room. Said that he had some kind of urgent news or something for her.
So I was left all alone for a while. Nothing else in this empty room, except me, my chains, and this jail cell...
Tick... Tock... Tick... Tock... Tick... Tock...
Wait, I just realized... I'm in an empty room, with nothing but me and my jail cell...
...
"WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE CLOCK NOISES COMING FROM?!"
In the town of Ponyville, it was a peaceful day. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, random robot creatures were appearing out of thin air, the ponies were running around town screaming, everything was completely normal for Ponyville.
"EVERYPONY! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"
"ALIENS! ROBOTS! ZOMBIES!"
"OH, THE HORROR! THE HORROR!"
Meanwhile, a few robots stood around in the middle of town, forming up in an organized fashion, occasionally joined by others. They were all kinda standing there, observing the many berserk ponies running around.
One robot in a yellow body and white construction hat commented, "This is a very... eccentric place." in his robotic voice.
Next to him, a robot with a red body and military helmet replied, "Yes... Yes it is." in a similar robotic voice.
Not knowing what to do without their somewhat-beloved leader to guide them, they did nothing except stand there. It was silent... disregarding the screams of the ponies running around in terror. But otherwise, silent.
"We're not gonna survive this place, are we?"
"Nope."
Kinda uncharacteristic for the robots to act... un-robot-like, don't you think? Well, that's because Connery programmed his robots to have free-will.
"How the hell did he program robots to have free-will?" You may ask.
"Milk." He would reply.
"What." You may respond to that.
"What?" He would respond back.
...
"GOD DAMMIT, STOP TRYING TO KILL ME, YOU CRAZY HORSE!" A faraway blue robot yelled, running away from a flying blue pegasus with a rainbow mane.
"YOU ALIEN ROBOTS AIN'T SO TOUGH! COME BACK HERE, I'M GONNA KICK THE BOLTS OUTTA YA!" She yelled in return, flying past while leaving a trail of a rainbow.
*CRASH*
"OH GOD, MY LEG!"
"That medical-bot is getting his ass kicked by a rainbow pony."
"Ha. Gay."
"Shouldn't we help?" The yellow bot asked.
The red one just stared at the yellow one for a moment. "Whhyyy?"
"Okay yeah, good point."
Yep... Just another normal day in Ponyville.
After Celestia left the strange being alone in his cell, she had reports from her guards that mechanical creatures were appearing out of nowhere within various parts of Equestria. Some that appeared in Canterlot were quickly captured and sent to the castle, now laid before Celestia to be observed. Although their bodies seemed similar to the one who called himself 'Connery NotEvilGuy,' there were obvious differences.
While the one she just interrogated was organic in appearance, the things in front of her looked anything but. They also seemed to differentiate by their color schemes and symbols on their chests. The red ones wore a red-camouflage colored military helmet and had the symbol of a white circle with a red shield on top. The yellow ones wore a white construction helmet, and instead of a shield, had a symbol of a yellow hammer. Lastly, the blue ones wore a stereotypical physicians head mirror, and had the symbol of a blue cross.
She had wanted to question these creatures in hopes of getting information of what or who they were, since her attempts with the other one left her with a migraine. But questioning failed with them too, as they seemed to only respond in this unrecognizable language.
Celestia was certain that questions to the existence of these new mysterious species could only be answered by this 'Connery NotEvilGuy.' So she intended to walk straight up to him and demand answers. No more games, and no more foalish babbling.
She was also sure that this new being had ill intentions planned for her and her little ponies. Seriously, did he really expect Celestia to believe THAT ridiculous name was his real one? 'NotEvilGuy'? Did he expect her to be as naive as a little filly? She'd show him as to why he should never underestimate her.
Having thought that, when she arrived back at his cell, she was not expecting to see an open and empty cage. Surprised, she quickly trotted up to the cell gate, and noticed a sticky-note attached to the gate. She levitated it up to read it.
Bored and hungry. BRB. KTHXBAI. -Connery NotEvilGuy
P.S. Found the clock! Gonna keep it.
...
"GUUUUUAAAAARDS!!!"
Not a second later, several armed guards rushed to her call. "What's wrong your majesty?! Is there trouble?!" One of them asked.
"The prisoner, he escaped his cell! He left behind this note!" She said with urgency.
One of the guards stepped up and read the note. He then gasped, and yelled with great astonishment, "HE FOUND THE CLOCK!"
...
...
...
Then outcry.
"WHAT?!" "IMPOSSIBLE!" "HOW DID HE DO IT?!" "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!" "OUTRAGEOUS!"
Celestia just stood there, and face-hoofed.
"OK, I HAVE BEEN WALKING AROUND FOR PAST TEN MINUTES NOW, AND I CAN'T FIND A GOD DAMN ICE CREAM PARLOR IN THIS PLACE. WHAT THE HELL KIND OF CASTLE IS THIS IF IT DOESN'T HAVE A GOD DAMN ICE CREAM PARLOR?! WHERE THE FUCK IS THE KIDS SECTION?!"
So, I was able to escape my prison, and walked out with a very nice looking clock as a souvenir. Now, I was currently trying to find an ice cream parlor in this place, if I hadn't made that clear enough.
After that, I should find a way to escape, or at least gain a source of information to learn more about this alien world. What little facts I knew so far, was that the aliens are ponies, they have a monarch, and they didn't have FREAKING ICE CREAM PARLORS IN THEIR CASTLES!
*PING* *PING* *PING*
"What's this? Story development I hope, because I am SO BORED right now!" I said excitingly.
I pulled out a ridiculously large radar with an oversize satellite attached to it from my back pocket. No, don't ask me how it fits inside. It just does.
"Hmm. Several minion-units are detected nearby? Finally, something interesting is going to happen!" I gleefully exclaimed.
I threw the random plot device out a nearby window, which caused a cat to screech for some reason, and happily marched my way forward.
Until the guards ran around the corner and surrounded me in a circle, that is.
"HALT, IN THE NAME OF EQUESTRIA AND HER HIGHNESS!" One of them commanded.
Now, I would normally feel threatened and intimidated, but... C'mon, seriously? I was surrounded by cute pastel ponies! What threat could they possibly pose?
So in response to their demands, I wittingly retorted, "Yeah? And why should I?"
To which they responded by pointing their very, very pointy spears at my face.
To which I calmly replied with, "You guys make a very convincing argument."
Now I felt threatened and intimidated.
"We have located and cornered the escaped creature, your highness." One of the mooks said.
I turned around to see more pointy spears behind me, and a horse-princess glaring daggers at me.
Brr! Seriously... if stares could kill...
"How did you escape your confinement?" She angrily asked me. "What magic could you have used to escape so easily?"
"I just left..." I answered quietly.
Well, that seemed to surprise her, because she stopped with her glare, and instead just stared at me, stupefied. "You just left?"
I nodded.
"But... That prison cage was highly secured by advance enchantment spells from ancient wizard scholars of the past! How did you bypass all those spells?!"
"I 'unno. I just left?" I answered again, uncertainly.
She stuttered incoherently for a moment, wrapping her mind around the fact that I easily escaped her magical prison cell by just walking out, completely ignorant of the fact that I used my tool kit to bust out. After a while, she slowly face-hoofed again, and sighed.
"No matter. You are coming with me." Wow. She sounded tired. I wonder why?
"Guards, please capture him and relocate him to a different cell." She ordered.
Oh balls.
As the guards moved closer to capture me, I was trying my best to think of a way to escape my predicament.
C'mon, think think think. What can I do to get out of this? HOW THE HELL CAN I MAKE A DAMN TRANSPORTAL GUN WHEN I'M DRUNK, AND YET I CAN'T THINK OF A DAMN ESCAPE PLAN WHEN I'M SOBER?! Okay, okayokayokayokay. Magic? They do magical shit. She was talking about me have magic? C'mon...
EUREKA!
"AH-um-uh, ANCIENT FORBIDDEN MAGIC ART TECHNIQUE!" I suddenly screamed, going into a fake martial art stance.
That seemed to have caught their attention, as Celestia's pupils shrank in fear, (which is weird how I could see that from this far away,) and ordered, "Get back! He's summoning some kind of forbidden spell!"
The guards quickly obeyed, jumped back, and went into a defensive stance. Perfect!
I put my hands together near my utility belt, while looking like I was charging up an attack.
"KAH MEY HA MEY..."
They all flinched.
...
"Fuck-this-noise-I'm-outta-here-NOJITSU!" I threw a smoke grenade at my feet and ran away Three Stooges Style!
"WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP!"
As the smoke cleared, and the princess and all the guards ceased coughing, they all realized that I was gone!
A joyous day today is celebrated throughout all of Equestria! Good Ole Heartswarming Eve is today, and all the ponies are preparing for their happy holiday.
The fillies and colt all play in the snow, the big adult ponies buy gifts and toys for each-other and the foals, and everyone was excited to be together with their families today!
But everyone was wondering, "Where is that weirdo, Connery?"
He usually comes by the town everyday! Perhaps he's at home, celebrating Heartswarming his own way?
Ok, you know what? I'm not gonna fucking rhyme for the whole chapter. How the hell can those narrators in those Christmas specials handle this shit?!
So, although everyone knows that Connery calls himself evil, they hope he has the decency to at least not ruin this holiday for them.
Well do I?
"OMAGAWD IT'S CHRISTMAS IN PONY LAND! IT'S CHRISTMAS IN PONY LAND!" An excited evil genius jumped all around his secret base.
"Quickly minion-bots! You know the drill! Wear your elf costumes and bring me my Evil Santa suit! This is going to be a fun day again!"
Yeah. I love Christmas. I don't follow that dumb cliche rule that all evil villains hate Christmas. Deal with it.
No, I'm not gonna sing some musical number to sing about how "I really don't hate Christmas." I'm going to sing a musical number later!
I travel towards the "Take Off" Panel of my base, where all of my flying machines would take off and fly out. Nearby were a team of construction-bots tinkering and adding the finishing touches to my wonderful device.
You might be wondering what the hell I'm trying to do. Well, I'm not going to ruin the holidays, if that's what you're thinking.
This is something that was tradition in my family. My dad would always dress up as Santa Claus, steal a government cargo-ship (Yes, I got my hatred for my former government from him.), and he would fly across the sky shooting presents at houses all over the country of Cluetopia.
Yes, my father was a nut-job, but I'd like to see you having the balls to even steal a government cargo-ship, just to give away free boxes of money to random people.
Christmas is suppose to be the time to spread happiness and cheer, and so that families everywhere can spend their time closer together.
Even though I'm an evil villain that will one day take over this world, I at LEAST have some morals. Besides, everyone here is going to be my minions when I take over the world, and a good Evil Empire is ruled by an Evil Overlord with loyal and trustworthy minions!
"Minion-bot! Status report. How's the 'Sinister Christmas Sleigh of Evil' coming along?" I ask, already donning my Evil Santa costume, which is... more like a black version of a Santa suit. "And what's the status for the plan?"
"Engines are cleaned and ready to go, the Present-Auto-Cannon has been tested and fires nicely, the loudspeakers and microphones are checked. All of the other minion-bots hiding in Ponyville are in position, instruments tuned and ready. I'd say everything is going smoothly." My minion taps his clip-board and gives a thumbs up.
"Excellent! 'Operation: FUCK YEAH, IT'S CHRISTMAS!' is ready to commence!" I cheered loudly.
All of my Christmas moments were always full of happiness and love, and the only way to keep my Christmas moments like that forever, is to spread that happiness and love! *Cough* Or at least, that's what my dad says... Only doing this for myself to be happy... Don't care about anyone else.
I jumped in my evil sleigh, and press all of the random colorful buttons till one of them got the ignition to start. A group of my minion-bots wearing their elf costumes hopped on board, equipping themselves to the cannons. As I press the big red button, the lights in the room turn off and the computer prepares us to fly off!
"Ship is ready to launch." The giant hatch in front of us opens itself, and the reflective lights from the snow lit up the room.
"Launching in 3... 2... 1..."
FWOOSH! We fly out from our secret base hidden in the mountains, and set our course for Ponyville!
Haha! Ah, that crazy old bastard.
The citizens of Ponyville look up to the sky, and saw a strange sleigh. As they look closer, they notice that the one piloting the sleigh was none other than ME! Evil Lord Emperor Connery NotEvilGuy!
As I slowly make my way and come to halt above the town, I saw some of the Elements of Harmony nearby, looking at me with eyes of curiosity, annoyance, and excitement. You can guess who is doing which by yourselves.
I slowly look around and smile, and hold the microphone to my mouth, ready to begin. This particular song brings me back some of my most happiest memories, since I always use to listen it together with........
I wish she was here...
Some of the minion-bots in town came out of their hiding spots, carrying instruments, surprising some nearby ponies.
"And put on your warm fuzzy sweater Cause you'll feel much better when,"
The minion-bots on the sleigh start throwing the presents off.
"The snowflakes fall Gently to the ground."
I notice some ponies looking at me with surprise.
"The temperature drops And your shivers freeze all the rivers, around. But I keep you warm"
As the tempo builds up, we start flying a little faster. The minion-bots sing their chorus, and they start firing presents out the auto-cannons, which they landed in front of the doors of random houses.
"If speed's a pro Inertia must be a con Cause the cold wind blows at precise rates When I've got my ice skates on."
More minion-bots come out of their hiding places around town, and started singing with me. Some giving out more presents.
"If all the roads Were paved with ice that wouldn't thaw or crack"
I hear happy gasps and cheers from the ponies when they opened the presents.
"I could skate from Maine to Nebraska Then on to Alaska and back Cause you keep me warm!"
Like a infectious disease spreading around, everyone started to dance to the song. The minion-bots, and the ponies. I nod my head to the rhythm as well, humming along.
"Da dada da dada dadada, da dada da da dada."
"Peer over the edge Can you see me? Rivulets flow from your eyes Paint runs from your mouth Like a waterfall And your lungs crystallize, I'll travel the sub-zero tundra I'll brave glaciers and frozen lakes And that's just the tip of the iceberg I'll do whatever it takes To change!"
As all of my minion-bots hum in chorus, someone poked my shoulder. When I looked behind me, I saw Pinkie Pie holding out cupcake to me, smiling widely. I give back a smile in return, and take the cupcake.
I started to dance when the piano was played, with Pinkie Pie dancing alongside. Throughout town, I see lots of dancing ponies, with happy faces. Looks like the mission was a success!
As I start singing again, I gave a thumbs up to a minion-bot hiding in a nearby tree, which was the signal to prepare everyone to go back to the base.
"Farewell powdery paradise We'd rather skate on the finished ice Fingers failed us before they froze Frostbite bit down on all our toes"
We started to turn our sleigh around, and head back home. All of the minion-bots in town starting to follow us, while still staying in rhythm. Pinkie Pie waved and hopped off the sleigh, and landed on a convenient trampoline below us.
"Snow drifts build up and enfold us As we wait out this winter storm So we snuggle close in the darkness And keep each other so warm."
The song comes to an end, and we left town, leaving behind the Christmas happiness and gifts. I could still hear the cheers and applaud when we were a mile away from town.
It's feels good to be the Emperor.
The next day, we were celebrating for the success of our first Christmas mission on an alien planet. The minion-bots were give each others high-fives, cheering, having a good time. All in all, a great day.
But don't get me wrong! I wasn't doing this for the ponies. This was all part of my Evil Plan! To... um... gain their trust, and tricking them into giving me leadership over the town! Once I accomplish this, it will later be THE ENTIRE WORLD! MUAHAHAHAHA!
Where the fuck did this giant cake come from? ... Seriously. There is a giant cake in my main control room. It reached up to my waist.
On the cake said the words, "Thank You For Everything Connery! -Pinkie Pie and Ponyville!"
D'aw... that's adorable! They made a cake for me, and... somehow broke in to my... secret... base...
Seriously, THE FUCK?!
03 - The Word 'Evil' Is In My Last Name. (Redux Edition)
A yellow mechanical hand drew a card from the deck.
Inside the castle, another prison cage was occupied by alien robots. A red one, a yellow one, and a blue one. The latter impatiently walked around the cell, trying to look for any way out.
"Got threes?"
"Nope. Go fish."
While the former two passed the time, playing a card game.
"Hm... You got queens?"
"Nope. Go-"
"AUGH! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" The blue robot yelled in frustration. "Am I the only one trying to find a way to escape?!"
The yellow one, while taking a card from the deck, calmly asked, "What's got you so short-circuited?"
"Don't you realize the situation we're in? We are in an ALIEN PRISON, on an ALIEN PLANET! We have to find a way to get out of here!"
"Relax, man. Our leader's gonna find us, eventually." The red one assured, then focused back on the game. "Sixes?"
"How are you so sure he's even still alive?! For all we know, he might be dead! He could have been killed by those horse things, or he might be in ANOTHER WORLD ENTIRELY! We are going to rust to death here if we don't escape!"
"Ha! Him? Dead? Dude, if you were built a little earlier, you would have personally witnessed what that crazy guy can survive." The yellow one said.
"Yeah man. Calm down. He hasn't ever let us down before. I'm pretty sure he'll find us and rescue us. He always does." Said the red one.
"And if you're wrong?" The blue one grunted.
"Then I'll personally write you an apology letter. It will say 'Dear Killjoy, Blow me.'"
As both the red and yellow resumed their match, the blue one groaned, his palm clanging his head. "Ugh... I'm in a room with defective toasters." He glanced at the door of the room for a moment before scoffing. "Like I'm gonna believe, the ridiculous minuscule possibility that somehow, Connery is just gonna randomly bust through that door and resc-"
I randomly busted through the door, "WAZZAP MOTHAFUCKAAAAS!"
"OH SWEET JESUS!" My medical-bot yelped at my sudden appearance.
"Hey minion-bots! I see that you also had the guest treatment from her royal majesty." I said to them, examining their cage.
Hm... It seemed that the medical-bot was having some sort of speech error. He appeared to be stuttering non-coherently at my presence.
"See? Told you." I heard my guard-bot say to him as I used my escape kit to unlock the cell door.
As they all walked out, my medical-bot asked me in a surprised manner, "B-but how did you find us?"
"Well, I had this plot device that went ping alot, then I decided to walk in a random direction before having the urge to kick down doors for no apparent reason." I answered.
"... What?"
"Yeah, I don't know what spews out of my mouth either." I abruptly turned and shouted, "COME MINION-BOTS! We must leave this palace and find more of you!" I ordered them, marching out the room.
My construction-bot asked me, "Where did you get the ice cream?"
"Ice cream parlor." I replied simply.
"Yeah, that makes sense. What kind of castle would this be if it didn't have an Ice Cream Parlor?"
As we walked, the medical-bot just stared incredulously at what just transpired. He eventually shook his head and groaned, "I don't get paid enough for this shit..." before jogging up with us.
"Are you getting a signal yet?" I asked, eating my tasty Rocky Road.
"Uh... No, not yet. I feel one nearby, it's just that I can't seem to get a connection with it." My construction-bot said with his head sticking out the big broken stained glass window.
Let me tell ya, that window must have been made with the hair pieces of Chuck Norris, blessed with the tears of angels and baptized by the spit of a priest, because THAT WAS ONE HARD FUCKING WINDOW TO BREAK. I tried punching it, I tried kicking it, I tried throwing a chair at it. I tried throwing A TABLE at it! I even tried shooting at it with my gun. Didn't even make a damn scratch.
...
What do you mean, "Then how did you break it then?" I didn't. We had to break the window next to it. Duh.
After breaking the window, one of my minion-bots started trying to detect any distress signals sent by any other minion-bots in the area.
"Wait, I got a signal! It's a strong one... I'm... detecting it somewhere a couple miles away... There! South-west from here, in that suburban village!" He pointed towards a village far away and below us. "There must be five- no, ten? No... seventy-three of us detected there?! No wonder this signal was stronger than the others!"
"Then that's our next location! We get out of this castle, find or build a mode of transportation, gather up all the minion-bots, and we'll improvise from there!" I gave a thumbs up at my minion-bots and confirmed the plan.
"Not if I have anything to-"
"HOLY PINEAPPLE NUGGETS!" Startled from the voice behind me, I instinctively turn around and threw whatever I had in my hand at the time.
Standing there with an ice cream cone perfectly fitting her horn (double bonus points), and drooping wet with Rocky Road on her face, was Princess Celestia. Next to her were some of her guards, gaping at the scene with shock.
I sighed in relief. "Oh god, you scared me for a moment there. Didn't you ever learn not to sneak up on a person?" I scolded her, as if she were a child.
She couldn't reply, as she was still processing the fact that I had just thrown my ice cream at her face. Knocking out of her stupor, she finally asked, "Where did you even get the ice cream from?!"
"The Ice Cream Parlor in the castle." I answered nonchalantly.
She fell silent, her eyes covered in confectionery cream, staring at me as if I had just told her I was a child born from a test-tube and a rubber band. Knocking out of her stupor again, she yelled, "B-b-what?! An Ice Cream Parlor in the castle?! We don't have any Ice Cream Parlors in this castle!" There was a subtle crack in her voice.
"Huh... Then where the fuck did I get the ice cream from?" I muttered to myself.
At that point, Celestia started getting steamed by anger... and I meant that in a literal sense, because I don't think ice cream can melt that fast. There was also steam coming from her head, which was the second hint. She was really trying her best to stay composed through all this... and failing.
"That doesn't matter! Give up, or else I shall sentence your punishment to be more severe!" She growled, I repeat, GROWLED at me. I swear to god, most of her guards were shaking in fear by now.
"Wait, punishment? What am I being punished for? I didn't even do anything bad yet! If anything, you guys should be punished, because you all locked me up for no apparent reason other than the fact that I'm different than a horse, and that I just happened to drop in your castle without warning!" I pointed out, with my finger dramatically pointed at her.
"Perhaps, but how would I know that you aren't lying? You do absolutely nothing to alleviate my suspicions, you ignored and toyed with me rather than answering honestly to all the questions I asked of you, you break out of your prison rather than try to prove your innocence, and you have what seems to look like a robot army appearing all over Equestria, which is causing panic to the ponies throughout the land!" She walked closer as she went on her rant. "Not only that, but that ridiculous name you gave me isn't fooling anyone!"
"Uh... Wait, what about my name?"
"You're 'name,' NotEvilGuy. The name itself is just a big hint about your true intentions about why you came to this land! I'd say that it's safe to assume that you are, indeed, evil! Another safe assumption is that you've come here to take over Equestria with your mechanical army!"
Aw, she already found out that I was evil? This was going to make escaping a lot harder. Oh well.
I sighed and admitted, "Okay, yeah. You caught me, I'm an evil emperor from another universe... and yes, the thought about taking over this entire world has crossed my mind a few times."
Behind me, the blue robot slapped himself in the face and uttered, "Dumbass."
"But I'm still confused. How did you figure out that I was evil from just my name?"
"Did you honestly think that we equines were just a bunch of naive children? You have sorely underestimated us if you thought we were dumb enough to be so easily fooled by a name as obvious as that!" Jeez, she had a bit of a hostile tone.
"I never said that I thought you were all dumb, I was just asking! Sheesh..." I paused and thought about it for a moment. "Although, in hindsight, my name is pretty obvious. It's because of the word 'Evil' in my name, isn't it?"
"Yes, it was- ... What?"
Not catching her confused tone, I continued, "Yeah, I see what you mean. Most people will assume I'm evil, because the word itself is in my name." I nodded in agreement. "I should probably change my name so that it'd be less suspicious. Maybe I should go with... Connery NotGoodGuy, or maybe, Connery NotNiceGuy. W-what do you think minion-bots?" I turned around to ask.
"That sounds stupid." "Lame." "BOO! REFUND!"
"Yeah, nevermind, I'll just stick with what I have now..." I looked back at Celestia, only to notice that... something was wrong with her.
Was it normal for horse eyes to twitch like that? ... Uh... foam was started to come out of her mouth.
Was this a horse PMS thing?
One of the guards cautiously walked up to her, "Erm... Your majesty? Are you feeling alri-"
"Guards." She interrupted, nearly scaring the poor guy. "I need you to send a few carriages to Ponyville and bring the bearers of the Elements of Harmony to Canterlot. I'll let them know you're coming." She commanded them in an unusually kind-yet-creepy tone.
The guard glanced at me and asked, "What about the creature, your highness?"
"Leave him to me. I'll handle this situation." She smiled, while-
STARING INTO MY SOUL, HOLY SHIT, THOSE EYES DID NOT MATCH THAT HAPPY FACE AT ALL.
As she slowly walked towards me, I could feel my butt trying to crap itself. Luckily, the ice cream hadn't digested yet.
"AH, STAND BACK! DARK EVIL MAGIC POWERS ACTIVATE!" I screamed, making random martial art stances in hopes of scaring her off.
Didn't faze her one bit.
"T-That... that was never gonna work the second time, was it?"
"Nope." She replied in an unfittingly-cheerful voice.
Ha, yeah no, I don't wanna die yet.
"MINION-BOTS! RETREAT!"
My minion-bots and I turned around to escape through the window, but then I felt something holding my legs in place, causing me to fall on my face. I looked back at my feet to see them covered in some kind of yellow glow, and noticed that Celestia had a similar glow on her horn.
I faced ahead to see that my minion-bots hesitate to leave after seeing me subdued. So I yelled at them, "GO ON WITHOUT ME!"
...
"Sure thing boss!" Jump.
"Sir, yes, sir!" Jump.
"I'll never forget your villainous sacrifice, my lord!" Jump.
...
"Those jerks actually left without me! YOU FUCKING CUNTS!" I shook my fist at the cowards.
I then felt my legs being pulled up, then in-front of me suddenly was an upside-down Celestia.
I gave a nervous chuckle. "Heheh. Hello. You have a beautiful mane there! All glowy, and... billowy. Did you style it yourself?"
Celestia said nothing.
I gulped.
Haha... Oh, I am so fucked.
In the so very distant future...
"Oh, come on. Was I really that scary back then?" Celestia asked me.
"Yes." I bluntly answered, closing my Evil Diary of Memorable Memories to Remember.
"Come on, you have to be exaggerating just a bit. Everypony knows that I'm not that scary, right?"
Everyone in the circle looked away slightly, not making direct eye contact while murmuring unconvincing agreements. Even Twilight gave a sheepish shrug in response.
"You guys are jerks." She pouted. When she looked at me, I had a mirror in front of my face, facing her direction. "Connery, put the mirror down." she deadpanned.
"Just making sure!" I joked.
Everyone had a good chuckle at that.
NEXT TIME, IN EPISODE 1: WE RESUME OUR ADVENTURES WITH OUR FAVORITE EVIL VILLAIN. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY IS USED AGAINST HIM? WILL HE ESCAPE IN TIME? WHAT IS THE GOD DAMN SETTING FOR THIS STORY?! SERIOUSLY, WAS THIS TOLD IN THE FUTURE, THE PRESENT, OR SOMETHING?! WHAT WAS THE POINT IN THAT ENDING?!
Royal Canterlot Castle Evil Overlord Empire of Equestria Probably in the future.
There was a loud noise of laughter, loud enough that it could be heard throughout Canterlot Castle. The laughter came from a group of friends all sitting around in a circle, indulging and reminiscing in some nostalgic memories.
I was telling them of an old classic, where some jerk once told me that I had a bad sense of fashion, and in revenge, I broke into his house and took all of his food, tracked mud on his floor, and set his curtains on fire. That was a good day.
"Oh god, the look on his face when he realized that I was in his house, eating on his sofa! And when he finally noticed me, all I said was, 'Your toilet's clogged. Go fix it.'"
As I finished recounting my story, there was another round of laughter. One of us had laughed so hard that she started pounding on the snack table.
"HA! OH MAN. I can't breathe! HAHAHA!" The cyan pony croaked out.
After everyone calmed down a little, we sipped our drinks to quench our dry, laughing throats. Then my favorite pink pony raised her hoof and kept saying "OOH OOH OOH!" as if she was in preschool.
"Hm... You there, with the curly pink hair that I'm almost certain is a living creature itself." I pointed at her.
She giggled for a bit, "Hey, continue where you left off yesterday! You still remember when we all first met, right?"
Celestia suddenly spewed her drink out, a habit she had gotten ever since I came into her life, and laughed out, "Oh, I remember that day! Haha!"
Next to Celestia, a very wet and annoyed Lunar sibling was giving her the stink eye. "Tia, please. Watch where you spit-take whenever we come back here. This is the second time that has happened today." She complained, wiping herself with a napkin.
Celestia covered a hoof over her mouth, failing to calm her giggles, "*Snicker* Sorry Luna. It's just hard to control myself when recalling some *giggle* fond memories."
Of course she would find that day fond, you crazy sadistic horse princess...
I reached behind me to grab a towel, and tossed it to Luna. She caught it with her magic, and continued to dry herself. "Thank you. Nevertheless, I am also anxious to hear about this part of the story, since I wasn't there for it. Do tell, please?"
"Well, if you guys want." I pulled out my Evil Diary of Memories and Stuff, and opened to the page where I left off. "Let's see here..."
"Well, I'm impressed. You were able to make it farther than last time." A gloating pony princess smiled at me.
So... this was my thirty-seventh attempt to escape... and my thirty-seventh failed attempt now included me getting frozen mid-run by her ice magic.
"I get the feeling that you're enjoying this." Was what I wanted to say, but since my whole face was frozen, it sounded more like "I guh teh helinguh at you're endoying tis." (But for the sake of not having to cringe and cry every time I purposely misspell words, I'll write them normally.)
"Oh? Whatever gave you that impression?" She asked, giving me a seemingly innocent smile.
"I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that you purposely make my cell easy to get out of, and then vent your anger by blasting your painful magic at me whenever I try to escape. What have I been hit with so far? Heat beams, speed magic, I'm also pretty sure you turned me into a frog a few times, and now this ice beam?"
"Well, who's fault is it for not learning their lesson for the thirty-seventh time? I wouldn't have to do this if you just stayed in your cell and behaved." She giggled.
"Pfft! A great scientist always does the same thing over and over again, expecting a different outcome each time!" I paused, "Or was that something else? Bah, that doesn't matter. Point is, I WILL NEVER GIVE UP, NO MATTER WHAT! The only way you lose the battle is if you stop trying to win!"
Celestia seemed impressed with my self-motivational speech, before pointing out, "You know, that would have sounded really impressive if your mouth hadn't been frozen."
"Which brings up a good point. How the hell can you understand a word I'm saying?!" I grunted.
"Well, you live long enough, you pick up a few things." She answered vaguely.
...
I didn't know what was scarier: The fact that she did this to god knows how many other people, or the fact that she probably did this longer than I'd like to think.
"Nevertheless, you will EVENTUALLY get too cocky and screw up! When that time comes, I will finally make my escape, and be free once again!" I yelled at her, face frozen with determination. "Just you watch! You'll see!"
Attempt number 257: I was running as fast as I could, acting as if my very life depended on it! The exit was mere inches away from my grasp! Just a little closer... closer... CLOSER!
"You know, no matter how long you keep running in mid-air, you still won't get any nearer to the door." Celestia pointed out as she hovered my sprinting body just inches above the floor.
"That kind of thinking is for quitters! All I have to do is BELIEVE that I'm getting closer! That way I won't have to face the reality of the circumstance and realize that I just failed my attempt to escape again for the damn 250th time!" I wheezed, somehow still running despite my fatigue.
"257th attempt, actually." She corrected me.
"Who cares?!"
I eventually stopped running and tried to catch my breath, which involved lots of wheezing and a noise that I deemed similar to a seal having some kind of death orgasm.
A guard decided to pop up during my seal-death-impression, and told Celestia, "The Elements of Harmony have arrived, your majesty."
"Ah, thank you. You may go back to your duties." She nodded for him to leave before facing back to me, "Well Connery, I have some ponies that I would like for you to meet."
Oh god, my executioners! "Well, uh- um, it would be nice to meet them! But I uh... Can't meet them right now!" I stuttered out.
She rose an eyebrow, "Why?"
"Because... um... I think I hear my dead father coming back to life!" Totally legit reason. "Yup, that's it! Wellsolonggottagokillhimagainbye!" I then ran as fast as I could away from her.
...
Which would have worked if Celestia wasn't still levitating me with her magic.
Celestia cleared throat. "Ahem, Connery?"
"I know, just... give me the false sense... of hope for a moment." I wheezed, continuing to run in vain.
So, after all that nonsense was done and over with, Celestia went and made sure to chain me up so that I wouldn't try to escape my execution.
Never mind what I said about cuffs in the prison cell. THIS RIGHT HERE was overkill. I got chains covering me from my legs to my shoulders.
No, that was not an exaggeration, I GOT CHAINS COVERING ME FROM MY LEGS TO MY SHOULDERS, WITH AT LEAST FIFTY LOCKS ATTACHED.
Anyway, Celestia was levitating my mini-Alcatraz secured body, and took me to a part of the castle somewhere. The room was more like this big long hallway with a long red carpet, and the walls had these weird stained glass windows, showing pictures of ponies doing something or another. There was one that showed what looked like Celestia using some kind of gems to blast away this Dark-Batman-Knight horse to the moon.
After that one, I just opted to not look at anymore of these crazy things, since whoever made them was obviously on crystal meth.
In front of us, I saw six colorful ponies conversing with each other. As they noticed Celestia, they all bowed, except the purple one, who instead ran up to her and shouted "Princess Celestia!" like an old mother she hadn't seen in years.
"Twilight, my most faithful student." Celestia greeted, as they both hugged each other.
D'aaaaaaawwwwww!
As they finished, the purple pony, now known as Twilight, asked, "Did you call us here to talk about the mechanical creatures that are appearing in Ponyville?"
"Something related to that, yes." Celestia levitated me next to her in full view. "He is the reason why those creatures are here."
I guessed that was my cue to introduce myself. "Hello there, little ponies! My name is Evil Lord Emperor Connery NotEvilGuy! Nice to meet all of you!"
Although most of them just looked at me with astonishment, the only one who actually responded was the pink one. "Hi! Nice to meet you too, I'm Pinkie Pie! It's so cool to meet an alien! Where did you come from? Do you like cupcakes? Do you have cupcakes where you come from? Do your robot friends like cupcakes? Do you wanna be friends with me? Do you like parties? I love parties! Do the aliens from your planet do parties? It would be so cool to have an alien as a friend!"
Wow.
"Well hello there, Living Embodiment of Pure Sugar and Heart attacks!" I replied back to the crazy pink pony who seemingly had infinite air in her lungs.
"That's it? That thing is the reason why those alien robots are showing up out of nowhere, a hairless monkey?" The cyan pony with the rainbow hair said with disbelief.
"Actually, I prefer to be called Connery, Emperor, Leader, Crazy bastard, Weirdo, How the hell did you get into my house, or lastly, Quack Quack. Any will do." I corrected.
Cue awkward silence...
...
"Yes, this creature here is the leader of all of those robots." Celestia answered while ignoring me. "That's why I called you all here. So that you may use the Elements on him."
As Celestia walked past the ponies, she set me down on the small staircase, and continued up to this gigantic golden safe. I looked back to see her sticking her horn into a small hole in the safe. Something inside clicked, and she stepped back while the safe opened up to reveal a glass case containing five necklaces and a tiara.
Celestia opened the glass case, and levitated the jewelry over to the other ponies, five of them wearing the necklace, and Twilight wearing the tiara.
Curious as to why they had to wear fancy jewelry for my execution, I asked, "So, uh, you guys keep talking about these 'Elements of Harmony' things. What do they do again?"
"Each of the Elements of Harmony contain one piece of the most ancient and most powerful magic, representing the good traits within everypony to create peace and harmony in Equestria. The magic within them is used to purge darkness and seal evil away, preventing them from ever tainting our land or ever causing destruction again." She explained to me. "We shall use this magic to seal you in stone, so that you may never unleash your evil actions upon Equestria."
"Wait, you're going to use this magic jewelry to turn me into a stone statue?! But I wasn't even able to do anything evil yet!" I exclaimed to them. Though, that may have been a poor choice of words. Most of them were glaring at me now, except the yellow one, and Pink Sugar over there.
"And we'll make sure it stays that way." Celestia said to me sternly.
"Aw, we have to use the Elements on him? But I wanted to be friends with an alien!" Pink Sugar said disappointingly.
The rainbow pony gave her an annoyed look, "Pinkie, it just admitted that it was about to do evil things to us! Heck, it even admitted being evil! You still want to be friends with it?"
Pinkie, as they called her, still seemed disappointed about losing a possible friend so soon, and just sulked.... Was it just me, or did her hair deflate a little bit?
"Alright girls, let's wrap this up and perform the spell." Twilight said in an authoritative tone.
They stood in formation and closed their eyes. But before anything happened, I desperately yelled, "WAIT!"
Thankfully, they did wait. I took a deep breath to calm myself, before asking, "Before you continue, just let me ask for one final request... May I have my last and final scoop of Rocky Road Ice Cream?"
Pinkie responded almost immediately. She zoomed out the room, and came back not even a second later, holding a Rocky Road ice cream right in front of me. "Here you go!"
"Thanks Pinkie!" I easily tugged my arm out from my chains, grabbed the frozen treat, and proceeded to nonchalantly lick it. Pinkie bounced back to her position with a smile, while her friends just stared at both of us in surprise.
Celestia gaped at me in shock, staring intensely at my arm that was holding the Rocky Road.
"Sugarcube," The orange pony with the stetson asked, "where did you get the ice cream?"
"Oh, you know. The castle's Ice Cream Parlor." Pinkie answered.
You know, it might just be my imagination, but I think I heard something break inside Celestia. Like, literally, I heard shattering glass inside of her.
"Okay. I'm good! You can do the thing now." I told them, still casually eating my ice cream.
They hesitated for a second, before they continued with whatever it was they were doing. They closed their eyes, and a sudden flash of light appeared around them, followed by two beams of rainbows circling each other upward. As the beams collided, the rainbow beam came blasting towards me.
All I could do was to stare in awe, still eating my Rocky Road, before the beams finally shot through me.
So, I'm dead now. I guess...
If I ever regretted anything during my time here, it's that I wasn't able to make a reference to 'Suburban Commando.'
Commercial Break
05 - If You Drink 2 More Bottles, The Plot Might Makes Sense. (Redux Edition)
I woke up, and found myself in an empty void. All I could see was white. Miles and miles away, it was all white. All around me, white...
Very... white.
So... fucking... white.
Too... much... white-
DEAR GOD THIS WAS SO BORING! AT LEAST GIVE ME SOME CRAYOLA CRAYONS WHILE I'M HERE!
This had to be Hell. I was probably in hell. I always thought that Hell would be a red color, or at least dark and scary. But no, I got eye-sore white. Maybe this was worse than hell? Was I so evil, that Hell didn't even want me, so they sent me to this purgatory?!
"Welcome."
"HOLY TRUMPET SHIT!" Startled from the voice behind me, I instinctively turned around and threw whatever I had in my hand at the time.
The ice cream phased through the target and landed on the invisible white-ground behind.
Floating there in front of me was a big purple sphere. I felt relieved looking at it, just because it was a big contrast from the boring white void around me.
Although it didn't have a face or mouth at all, it talked to me somehow.
"Did... Did you just throw ice cream at me?" It asked in an incredulous tone.
"Well, it was your fault for startling me!"
"But... How did you even get ice cream in... I... Never mind." He said, or at least I think it was a he. His voice was like the voice of a deep booming magician, ready to perform a trick.
Five more different colored spheres appeared, forming a circle around me. They were mesmerizing to watch, radiating their colors. It was almost hypnotic.
"What... are you?" I asked, filled with curiosity and wonder.
"We are the spirits that reside in the Elements of Harmony. Let us introduce ourselves."
"I am Loyalty, the element that would never betray those I call my allies."
"I am Kindness. My element exists to help those in need, and prevent malicious behavior."
"I am Honesty, as I clear away lies and deceit, and lead the journey only to the truth."
"I am Generosity. I help resist the temptation of greed, and prevent corruption."
"I am Laughter. I heal the pain and misery of the depressed, and shall always bring forth happiness."
"And I am the final element, Magic. I am the power used to protect loved ones, and banish evil. Together, our powers protect the land of Equestria, so that it may have everlasting peace, harmony, and friendship. We have come to-"
Before the purple sphere could continue, it was interrupted by the sound of a thump, and loud snoring.
I fell asleep halfway through all that boring monologue, and was now resting comfortably face-first on the invisible floor.
"He fell asleep? How did he fall asleep?! We're in the deep consciousness of his mind! No one can get sleepy in here!" Honesty stated.
"I'm still wondering how he brought along ice cream with him."
"HE BROUGHT ALONG ICE CREAM INTO HIS OWN HEAD?!"
"Yep. Rocky Road is what it was called. He threw it at me. Remarkably delicious, though! It's been millennia since I've tasted a sweet treat." Magic said nostalgically.
"Brothers? Shouldn't we wake him up?" Generosity pointed out.
"Oh, right. Of course."
Magic floated towards my sleeping body, and shouted in his loudest voice possible, "WAKE UP!"
"HE HAD A MUSTACHE!" I jolted awake from my slumber. Getting up, I rubbed my eyes a bit, and looked around to notice the sphere thingies around me. "Sorry, I fell asleep after 'introduce ourselves.' *Yawn* Where am I again?" I asked, stretching myself.
Laughter giggled, "Heheh! I like this one."
"Well, we're not going to waste our time introducing ourselves again, so we might as well continue." Magic sighed, exasperated.
"Long story short, we have waited for your arrival, so that we could gift you with our powers."
"Long ago, a prophecy predicted that a great and disastrous warlock would come to wreak havoc and destruction upon the land of Equestria."
"It is said that not even all of the most powerful alicorns combined could stop the warlock, and that those who try were destined to fail."
"But there was only one being, one hope, that could stop him. As the prophecy foretold, the Elements of Harmony would one day be used against the Chosen One."
"But instead of sealing you in stone, we would come to your aid, and guide you in your journey to stop the warlock."
"We will bless you with the gift of immunity to magic, so that you will not be harmed by anyone who would try to stop you in your quest."
"You are our only hope, our only savior, and our only Hero that can SAVE EQUE-"
"WOAH! HOLD ON A MOMENT!" I interrupted. "I'm the hero?! The good guy?" I said with disbelief.
"Um... of course. That's what we're trying to say." Magic awkwardly fidgeted.
"But I'm evil! I don't want to save this place, I want to conquer it, and become the evil emperor!"
"But... that can't be! You can't possibly be evil! The prophecy said that you are our savior!"
"But I AM Evil!!!" I yelled to get my point across.
They were all silent from my outburst. They looked confused, stunned, and shocked... as magical spheres, somehow. After a few moments, Magic said, "Excuse us for a moment," before they all huddled together, and frantically whispered to each other.
"Okay, something is obviously wrong here. He just called himself evil? What do we do?"
"Well, he doesn't seem to be lying to us. He looked like he really, actually believes that he's evil."
"But that's impossible. I already checked him multiple times, I don't sense any evil or darkness in his heart."
"Well obviously, someone is wrong here!"
"Wait, wasn't the name of the chosen one 'Shield of Hope?' The prophecy told us his name."
"We never actually asked for his name, we just assumed that he was the chosen one."
"Let me check. I'll ask him." Magic floated out of their huddle slightly, and asked loudly, "Hey! What was your name again?"
"My name is Evil Lord Emperor Connery NotEvilGuy!" I yelled back at him.
"Okay, cool!" Magic floated back into their huddle again, "Okay, so we got the wrong one."
"I actually had a feeling it was. Didn't the prophecy describe him as a bipedal cat, with white fur, and a long tail?"
"But he looks absolutely nothing like that! What are we going to do?"
"You know, I say to Tartarus with this. Let's just say he's close enough, and pretend that he really is the chosen one."
"Isn't that a bit irresponsible for us? I mean, we are kinda resting the entire fate of Equestria on his shoulders."
"Do you know how much trouble it took to get this far? We've already wasted enough magic and energy just to communicate with him as spirits, and now it'll take another millennium or so to be able to do it again! Besides, I'm sure he'll do a fine job. He seems nice enough."
"The guy that proclaimed himself as an evil emperor seems 'nice enough?'"
And here I was, awkwardly standing alone by myself. Just watching all of this.
They continued for a little while longer, and I kinda spaced out during most of it. After a while, they were finally done with their conference and formed a circle around me again.
"Okay, so we talked about it with each other, and we unanimously decided..." He hesitated for a moment, before rapidly shouting, "You're our Chosen one, no takesy backsy. QUICKLY DO IT NOW!"
"Wait what?"
Before I could even react, they all blasted me with magic beams, and I was sky-rocketed into a bright flash of light.
"Ta-ta! Good luck saving Equestria! Oh, and you might feel a slight magic surge when you wake up, but it'll only last for a few seconds!" Was the last thing I heard before I woke up in the real world.
The six mares fell back, fatigue wracking their bodies from using the elements once more.
Celestia gave a sigh of relief. That creature had been a pain in her flank for awhile now, but finally, he was locked up in the ultimate prison.
Connery NotEvilGuy...
She wouldn't normally get so frustrated, or at least expressed it as she had today. But she could afford no chances with him. After the recent invasion on her city by Chrysalis and her changelings, she felt that she needed to be more on guard, not wanting a repeat of another invasion in her hooves. She had given this being a chance, but after he admitted of bearing evil intentions, she felt that she had no choice but to stop him before anything drastic happened. He was unpredictable, he was irrational, he was... alien... to her. She hoped that this justified her paranoia and actions today.
Although, there was still the matter of his robots running amok around Equestria, she at least got rid of their ridiculous leader. No more crazy hi-jinks, no more head-bashing interrogations. Finally, it would just be peace and quiet from here on ou-
"Oh god, that was trippy..."
OH DAMN IT ALL TO TARTARUS!
Celestia and the element bearers stared at Connery as he slowly sat up, groaning. Needless to say, they were all shocked.
"But... How is this possible? How could the elements have no effect on you?" Celestia asked.
There was no way he could have just shrugged off Equestria's most powerful weapon so easily!
"I have no idea what you're talking about." he strained to say. "I feel like a piece of- HOLY SHIT!"
He suddenly jumped to a standing position, as if he had just gained a burst of energy from nowhere. The ponies slowly stepped back in fear.
Celestia started to sense a familiar magic tremendously growing inside of him. There was so much raw magical energy, more than his body seemed capable of containing or controlling. Connery's body twitched and vibrated, and his body started to glow from the magic he held inside.
"I... I..." He stuttered.
The energy inside of him slowly released into the room, producing a heavy wind-storm around him.
"Feel..."
As Celestia sensed the magic growing even stronger inside him, the wind started to blow heavier and stronger. His body was almost at its peak, until it could no longer contain the power-surge any longer.
"INCREDIBLE!"
*SNAP*
In one quick motion, he snapped of all of the chains covering him. He could no longer hold back, and released all of the magic energy at once, his body glowing an almost seizure-inducing multitude of colors, and producing so much wind, that it blew away Celestia and the Element users to the air.
"WHAT IN TARNATION IS GOIN' ON?!"
"MY MANE IS GETTING ALL FRAZZLED!"
"EEEEEEEP!"
"WHAT'S HAPPENING?!"
"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"PRINCESS CELESTIA! WHAT'S GOING ON?!" Twilight yelled through the wind-storm.
"I DON'T KNOW! IT'S AS IF HE ABSORBED THE ELEMENTS' POWER!"
"HE CAN DO THAT?!"
"NO! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO DO THAT!"
Celestia was too disoriented to concentrate on any spells to stop this madness. She could only fear what evil, diabolical, or sick thoughts were going through in his unpredictable mind.
THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ROUND AND ROUND, ROUND AND ROUND, ROUND AND ROUND, OH THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GOES ROUND AND ROUND-
When everything seemed like it was going to be the end of the world as they knew it...
*FIZZLE* *PBHT*
The sudden burst of magic quickly disappeared, fortunately for them. The bright colorful glow from Connery faded out, the wind-storm in the room died, and Celestia could no longer sense the magical presence inside of him.
With that, Connery fell down to his knees, gasping in exhaustion, and the ponies landed back onto the floor, safe and sound.
OH MY GOD THAT WAS THE BEST FEELING EVER.
What the hell just happened?! The last thing I remembered was eating my ice cream, getting blasted by rainbows, and waking up to feel something equivalent to having twenty Red Bulls injected into my veins.
But there was something else though... something happened in between those events, but what?
...
Hey, where did my Rocky Road go?
"You!" The angry voice of a pony princess took me out of my thoughts. I looked up from my position to see Celestia with her super glare. "I demand that you explain what happened just now!"
Still gasping for air, I took my time to respond. "I have... no fucking clue what happened... but you can bet your almighty shining butt... that it was awesome..." I said to her, chuckling in between breaths.
She, however, was less than amused. Using her "Scary Eyes of Doom!" made me slowly adapt my humorous chuckle into nervous giggling.
I noticed that I somehow broke free of my chains, and immediately thought of a genius plan of escape.
"So... uh... Do you eat cake alot? You seem to have some stuck in your teeth."
My question successfully caught her off guard! She stopped glaring at me and started to self-consciously lick her teeth, which I used as the opportunity to quickly dash past her and my disoriented group of executors.
I took a quick glance back at them. Although surprised, and probably irritated at how easily I had I tricked her, she knocked out of her stupor, and proceeded to fired a beam of magic to stop me from escaping.
Oh right... I forgot that they could do that.
"Oh balls." I whimpered, before blocking myself in vain.
I flinched as I waited for the familiar sensation of morphing into a frog to hit me!
...
...
Any moment now...
...
Frog legs and arms at any moment...
...
Ok, what the hell was going on?
I hesitantly peeked an eye open to see the incoming beam, but to my surprise, there was none at all. I let my arms down and wondered if I just imagined Celestia shooting at me.
I saw Celestia on the far end of the room, looking just as confused as me. So she shot another beam at me, which caused me to flinch again. But I didn't feel anything. No frozen body, no extreme heat, green frog skin or the urge to eat insects...
Celestia, seeing that she didn't even leave so much as a scratch, proceeded to shoot multiple magic beams at me. Curious as to what was happening, I stopped myself from flinching as they impacted. All of them, direct hits. Yet none had any effect on me...
Strange, but I wasn't complaining.
I looked directly at Celestia, shrugged at her, and proceeded to fucking run out the door while I still could.
"Well, that was easy! I wonder if she let me go on purpose?" I asked myself, running down a hallway.
"GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRDS!!!"
"WELP, THAT ANSWERS THAT QUESTION!" I said frantically, picking up the pace before I faced the wrath of an angry princess.
"What in da world jus' happened?" Applejack asked, still trying to regain her footing from the nasty wind-storm earlier.
"I don't know, but I wanna do it again!" Pinkie said, bouncing around in joy.
"Oh, just look at my mane! It'll take hours to get it back into pristine condition again!" A certain fashionista complained. "Ooh, wait until I get my hooves on that ruffian!" She growled, pretending to strangle someone in front of her.
Twilight walked up to her dumbfounded mentor, still staring at the spot where the already long-gone alien had escaped, and said "Princess Celestia... What's going on? The elements, they did something to him... I felt a powerful magical energy during all that, and it felt dangerously similar to the elements themselves..." She paused, hesitant and scared to ask. "Did... did he somehow steal their power?"
"No... Twilight." Celestia slowly answered. "You can't just absorb a full blast from something like the elements, and still survive like that... The only way he could have achieved that was if the elements purposely gave it to him themselves."
"But that can't be it! None of us would just give him our magic on purpose!"
"Of course you wouldn't, I would never accuse you or your friends for something like that." She assured Twilight. "But the elements would have worked on him if he was evil as he said he was... Why would they help him?" She looked back at the door. "Who is he, really?"
"QUICK, IT RAN OVER THIS WAY!"
"Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck!" I kept chanting to myself, trying to run away from the guards yet again. I seemed to have somehow gotten lost in the castle. I had no idea where I was going.
No matter which door or window I opened or broke, there were guards just waiting for me on the other side. Flying guards, magic guards, just a whole plain fucking load of guards.
I seemed to be doing a pretty damn good job outrunning them though. I'd been running for the past 10 minutes, and I still hadn't even dropped a sweat. It was probably just the adrenaline rush though.
"FUCKING HELL! HOW DO I GET OUT OF HERE?! IT'S LIKE THIS DAMN PLACE IS A MAZE!" I yelled to myself. "God damnit! What the hell do I have to do?! It's not like something conveniently useful can just randomly appear to help me get out of here!"
I ran past another hallway, still having difficulty trying to escape... Until I backed up a bit, and look at the fine item in front of me.
"This... is convenient, yet highly illogical... JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT!"
Meanwhile, outside one of the castle windows, we see the window in it's perfect and natural habitat, standing there in the wall, minding it's own business. Yes, it is such a beautiful and majestic window. One could look at it, and just admire it all day long, knowing that it will stay there, undisturbed, and happily existing, peacefu-
And then a random ice cream truck drove through the window, dropping down to the streets of Canterlot, as it drove as fast as an... ice cream truck. The civilians in the streets ducked out of the way of the rampaging vehicle, making its way to wherever the hell it was trying to go.
As I kept driving, I could almost see the edge of the city! I EVILLY laughed in triumph. "MUAHAHAHAHA! Nothing can stop me now! The only way this could get screwed over, is that ANOTHER random thing just showed up out of nowhere! AND THE CHANCES OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT HAPPENING ARE AS SLIM AS A-"
Just then, a random guard with aviator glasses landed in front of the windshield, carrying a spear with him.
"Yeah, I was totally tempting fate right there." I deadpanned.
Taking the spear, he smirked like a badass, and stabbed it into the engine. Giving a mock salute, he quickly jumped off the truck, leaving me inside the now uncontrollable truck that was about to drive off the edge of the fucking city.
"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK-"
Meanwhile, in the town of Ponyville.
A large group of robots were gathered around near the edge of the Everfree forest in front of a crappy makeshift tombstone.
They all seemed to be making weird scratching noises, similar to crying and weeping. The markings on the tombstone were carved,
"Connery NotEvilGuy, For he died so young, and so evil."
"*Sobbing* Oh! He was the best evil emperor we ever had! Why did he have to die so soon?!" A yellow bot wiped his imaginary tears away.
"It's ok C-Bot 9043... At least he died how he always wanted... Embarrassingly." Another yellow bot said, comforting the crying bot.
"I'm going to miss that crazy bastard... Why, I can almost hear him... Cussing like a madman, like he usually does." A blue bot said to himself.
"Yeah. I know what you mean. I feel like I can hear him too. Repeating the f-word over and over again." The red bot next to him said.
"... Wait, I can hear that too."
"Yeah, so do I!"
"LOOK! ABOVE US IN THE SKY!"
They all looked above to see an incoming ice cream truck hurling towards them. Inside the truck, they could hear the chanting curses of a familiar voice.
"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK-"
*CRASH*
An ice cream truck slammed into the ground in front of them, the door opening to reveal a pale-white faced emperor, scared out of his balls.
A collection of gasps rose from the minion bots at the sight of their good ol' leader, alive and well.
Connery stood there, and stared at all of them. No one said anything at all. It was pure and absolute silence.
Eventually, Connery spoke.
"I WAS FROZEN TODAY!"
"Oh hey, I get that reference."
07 - There Was Once This Girl... (Revision in progress)
In less than a minute, they all made a perfect rectangle formation, saluting me, prepared and ready for orders.
"I know that we all had a long day today. But our work isn't over yet! So here is the current objective we must accomplish!" I point to that scary looking forest, "All of you are going to go in that scary, dangerous forest, and look for a suitable spot to set-up our base! We're going to be living in this strange world for a while now, so we better get used to it!"
They all seemed disappointed at that, but none of them questioned it. I took a long look at all of them. Got several of my construction-bots, plenty of guard-bots, and a lot of medical-bots. I pointed at one randomly, "Come here for a second, minion-bot."
A medical-bot hesitantly and nervously walked up to me. "Um... Yes sir?"
"I need to tell you about something while I was here... Today, I have been locked in a cage, set on fired, gotten frozen, turned into a frog about 5 times, got my whole body chained, was blasted by rainbow magic, escaped a castle, ran away from chasing guard ponies for half the entire day, and almost crashed to my death in this ice cream truck I found." I explained to them of my misadventures. "So here's what I want you to do! While all of you are looking for a base, I'm going to do absolutely nothing to help, and will instead take a well needed nap! So I need you to carry me."
The moment I finished that sentence, I dropped out-cold.
Cluetopia, Sector 7. July 11, 2103 12:03 Front parking lot at Clue-High.
"Well... At least I was able to test out my invention." I said to myself, tied to a rope, dangling upside-down on top of the flag-pole.
"How did I get stuck up here?" You may have asked. Well...
"HEY YOU FUCKING SHITHEADS!" I yelled at the group of bullies, trying to steal a kid's lunch money.
They all stopped what they were doing and looked at me curiously.
"I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU BASTARDS. PREPARE TO GET PAYBACK FOR LAST WEEK'S LUNCH MONEY!"
I was just able to finish my latest invention! The Evil Destruction Glove! When a target gets hit by the glove, they would feel the painful impact of a garbage truck ramming into them. So I wanted to try to test it out.
"TASTE THE POWER OF MY 'EVIL DESTRUCTION GLOVE!'" I screamed, charging full speed at one of them.
I raised my fist, which donned the glove, as I charged forward. When I was in range, I punched the target with all of my might, expecting to see him blown away from the impact, or at least knocked out.
It broke apart on contact.
So there I was, with a group of bullies, and my fist slightly tapping one of them. I looked at my hand, and then looked back at them, glaring at me.
"Um... fooled ya?" I chuckled out nervously.
You can guess everything that happened afterward.
I was 15 years old, attending the high school of Clue-High. These were the days when I was still a beginner, planning out my 'evil schemes' of taking over Cluetopia. I had built many inventions during this age, and although most of them never actually worked, I was never really disappointed over a failed invention. In fact, I was kinda glad for it. A failed invention meant that I could work on another one, and I had some of the best, most funnest time working on them!
If you're wondering why...
"Connery?! Is that you?!"
She's the reason why.
"Hey there Alice! Wow, you look small from up here!" I happily replied back.
"Hold on! I'm coming to get you down!" She yelled at me, and started climbing up the flagpole.
Alice. My partner-in-crime, my evil assistant, and my closest-friend. She was an attractive girl with short, blonde hair and she always wore this cute blue headband. Crystal blue eyes, and a nice blue ribbon on her collar.
We had first met on the school rooftop. I kept noticing that she would come up there everyday, after school, so I got curious and decided to ask her why she always went up there, and she told me that she liked to watch the sunset. My first impression on her was probably not that good, since she kinda hated me for a while.
I was still curious about her, though, so I would try to look at the sunset too. Eventually, I went up and talked to her for the second time, having no clue what was so interesting that she saw in the sunset. We talked and conversed for a bit, and we became friends ever since then.
Alice was a strange girl, but she was the good kind of strange. When I told her about my dreams and evil plans of taking over the land of Cluetopia, she didn't blow me off like most people do. I mean, she might laugh at it sometimes, but she did everything she could to help me with my evil schemes, instead of calling me crazy, or telling me that my dreams and goals were pointless to achieve. Though, she did sometimes act over-caring or over-worried whenever I did something that could get me hurt, and she would always overreact when I did get hurt or get an injury.
As you can probably tell, she has a bit of an overbearing personality. But she's my best-friend, and I liked her for that.
"Connery, please stop trying to get yourself hurt. What if those bullies did something worse to you? They might have even killed you!" She scolded me while untying the rope that covered my body.
"Well, it's a good thing you're here to save me then, my evil assistant! I'm pretty sure that as long as you stick with me, it's practicably impossible to get killed with your special over-bearing motherly care." I chuckled.
She rolled her eyes, and continued to untie me. "As much as I want to stick by your side 24/7, I can't always take care of you whenever you get hurt. We might not be able to stay in touch with each other's lives forever, you know."
"Well of course we are! After we take over this place, we're going to become the evil emperor and empress of Cluetopia, aren't we?" I asked her.
...
After not responding for a while, I glanced back to see what was wrong. "Alice?" Her body seemed to have froze in shock, for some reason. Her face was as red as a tomato. "Uh... You ok there?" Instead of replying, she had this dazed smile on her face, still redder than an jalapeno.
"Hey Alice?"
Other than a slight giggle, I got nothing.
...
"ALICE!"
Good news, I snapped her out back to the land of the living!
Bad news, she somehow untied my rope too quickly for me to react, and I was now plummeting to the ground.
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"
*Thud*
"Connery!"
Alice quickly slid down the flag pole, and crouched to where I landed. "Connery! Are you ok?!"
"*Cough* Just dandy as a pickle." I groaned out.
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Tell me if anything is broken, are you hurt anywhere? Did you land on your leg? Are you having a concussion? Here, tell me how many fingers I'm holding up!" On and on she goes, always worrying about me over some of the smallest things. It was adorable when she does that.
As I slowly stood up, I gently held her hand away from my face, and gave her a small chuckle. "Alice, I'm fine. Honestly, you care about me WAY too much, sometimes." I smiled.
She glanced away for a moment, and frowned. "... I care about you for a reason." She muttered out quietly.
"And what's that?"
Suddenly, her face went red again, and she quickly stammered out, "N-nothing. I was just thinking to myself."
Hm. If I didn't know any better, I'd think that she was hiding something from me... Nah, I'm sure I'm just over-thinking it. She's been acting like this towards me lately. I wonder why...
I slowly stood up, rubbed the spot where I landed on my back, and said, "Welp, I've had enough school for today. Let's skip class and head back to the evil laboratory."
"Again?" Alice asked, surprised. "This has been the 5th time you've skipped school. Aren't you worried about your grades?"
"HAHA! NOPE!" I laughed, already happily marching my way home.
Alice sighed, and followed me anyway.
Later...
So here we are, in our 'Evil Laboratory!' This place is where all of my past inventions, plans, and utilities are stored. Since I recently started out for the Evil Emperor business, my lab wasn't really that big, and it was inside my basement at the time.
Kind of a typical man-cave, I had a group of computers setup in the corner, an evil science table in the middle, where I do my evil science stuff. Also, the walls were filled with my many past inventions, failed or otherwise.
I was working on a new invention of mine, 'The Evil Photo Disguise Mask!' It was an ingenious idea! You would take a picture of the face of person you want to be disguised as, wear the picture on your face, AND NO ONE COULD TELL THE DIFFERENCE! I could bypass all the security in the world with this invention of mine! No one would be able to stop me when I show up in their secret government base, CLOGGING THEIR TOILETS AND EATING ON THEIR SOFA! MUAHAHAAHAHA!
As I continued building my evil contraption, I noticed Alice standing against the wall, her face looked like she was debating over something. "Something on your mind Alice?"
She looked startled for a moment before looking away. "N-no. It's nothing important." She stuttered.
"... Well, alright." I shrugged and went back to work.
I worked in silence for a while, occasionally asking for her help. It was going to be one of those days, wasn't it? I usually have more fun working on my inventions with Alice, but sometimes there were those days when it just seemed awkward to talk to each other.
I occasionally glanced back at Alice, seeing her face in a wide variety of moods. Disappointment, fear, confusion, contemplation, sometimes biting her thumb. After a while, she nodded to herself with determination, as if agreeing with something she had been arguing to herself for.
She proceeded to ask me, "Connery... Did you know that the school dance festival is coming up soon?"
"Uh... Yeah. Everyone in school won't stop talking about that. What about it?"
"Do... do you happen to have a date for the festival?" She somewhat muttered to me.
"A date?" I stopped working and faced Alice with an incredulous look. "Alice, I would rather fall off a bridge yodeling the lyrics to that old internet song 'Friday,' than to get a date and waste my time on some kind of festival, where you dance and eat in fancy clothes. I mean, have you met any of the girls here?! You're one of the only girls in this town that don't act like those freaking slutty Sector 4 Shore girls on TV. Even then, I'd rather not waste my time on something dumb like a festival." After I finished ranting, I calmly went back to work.
"... Oh. Of course." She said in a disappointed tone.
Wow, she sounded really depressed about this. Is it something about the festival that has her down?
We didn't talk to each other about anything else for the next few hours.
Eventually, night-time came. Alice excused herself to go home, and I was alone in my laboratory. I felt pretty bad not asking Alice what made her depressed. I could have helped her with any problems she had...
I had too many things going through my mind that I couldn't concentrate on working my doo-hickey anymore. So I stopped and paced around the room, thinking as hard as I can what to do with Alice's problems.
"Hm... Something we talked about has to have something to do with it... Was it the festival? Is the festival the problem here?" I continued talking to myself.
I had to try to think harder, I'd hate myself forever if I didn't find a way to help Alice get happy again. I would do anything for her, since she would do the same. What kind of best friend would I be to just ignore her?
C'mon, any clues? Earlier, she was obviously arguing with herself about something, but what? Festival, dancing, dates... dates?
...
EUREKA!
"I GOT IT!" I exclaimed to myself loudly, "The reason why she is so depressed is because..."
I gave a dramatic pause for no absolute reason. I'm pretty sure there was some kind of drum-roll too, though I have no idea where I heard it from.
"She hates the festival as much as I do! Of course! The signs were all clear! Since everyone keeps treating her like an outcast, she feels aggravated that they get to have fun celebrating a festival! She wanted to ask me to find a way to sabotage it, but I guess I seemed so busy that she didn't want to bother me!" I chuckled to myself, knowing that I've finally figured it out. "Oh Alice, you could have asked for anything and I would have dropped whatever I was doing just to help you!"
And I had the most ingenious plan right there, just how I was going ruin this event for ALL of our enemies!
I cackled out my evil laughter! "Muahahahahaha, HAHAHAHA-"
"SHUT UP! I CAN'T GET DRUNK WITH YOU LAUGHING SO LOUDLY!" A loud voice upstairs yelled out.
"... And that was how he escaped the city." A guard finished explaining to Celestia.
The pair watched as a group of unicorns worked to fix the big hole in the recently broken window.
Celestia, with bags under her eyes and a crazed look on her face, asked, "And how did he manage to break past the window, which was supposed to be indestructible, with all the enchantments we added into to it centuries ago?!"
"Well..." The guard flipped through his notes, feeling a bit worried about how the princess was acting. "Eye-witnesses say that they have seen something that most of them described as, 'A large Ice Cream Parlor on 4 wheels,' crashing through the window." He looked back at Celestia, expecting the worst reaction.
However, he was surprised to see that the Princess calm down somewhat. "Oh. Of course he did." Celestia smiled sweetly.
In fact, she looked too calm. It was a very sudden switch of emotions, when just moments ago, she looked like an insane mad-pony. "Uh... Are you alright, princess?"
"Oh, of course I am. Why would I not be?" She said in a motherly tone. Before the guard could answer back, Celestia quickly said, "Pardon me for a moment, I have to use the little-fillies room."
She calmly walked out of the room, no signs whatsoever of any distress, as if any that existed had somehow vanished.
The guard left behind was silent for a few moments, before sighing in relief. "Phew, I thought for a second there that maybe she might have a breakdown or some-"
Cluetopia, Sector 7. July 17, 2103 7:07 Clue-High Dance Festival
It seemed like it was going to be the most disappointing and most boring night for Alice.
Today was the day all of the students waited for. Outside on a cool breezy night, the festival was in full swing. The food and game tents were all setup, the dance panels were full of students, the stage had its own band playing their music, and everyone was having fun with their dates for this romantic evening...
Except Alice.
"Why did I even bother to come anyway?" She sighed to herself.
She sat by herself on one of the nearby benches, somberly watching the other students dancing with their partners. In preparation for the festival, she wore a dazzling light-blue gown, which matched her own trademark headband and ribbon, and donned a pair of matching gloves.
She wore no make-up, other than the classic red lipstick, but it wasn't like she would have needed any, for if you would have seen her from afar, you would have mistaken her for an angel in blue.
Out of all the girls in the festival, Alice was the one that caught the eyes of many on-goers, for she wore a dress that highly contrasted the other skimpy and revealing, expensive pieces of rags that they called clothing nowadays. Many stares of awe from males, and many jealous glares from females. Though everyone had bullied her, and treated her as an outcast, she was suddenly the hottest topic to talk about by the very same people.
But she didn't care. She didn't wear this gown to gain attention or to get approval from the same people that did her wrong. It was meant to be for him, and only for him. His opinion mattered the most, his attention was what she wanted to gain the most.
When they all ignored her when she cried, only he came to help her. When they all threw painful and harsh words at her, he would block them away with his compliments and praises. He may have called himself a villain, but to her, he was the knight in shining armor.
A very... dense and stupid knight, who she wished could take a hint sometimes, but a knight nonetheless.
It was probably her fault though. She knew that he was dumb like that, and yet she was still afraid of just telling him outright her true feelings. Because of that, it was entirely pointless to come here to the festival in the first place. But chances were, even if she did asked him to come, he would probably have said no, seeing how he disliked the festival so much.
It would have been nice, though. Dancing with Connery to some romantic music. Being able to be so close to him, his arms wrapping around her waist... Telling her how beautiful she looked... Dancing together, ignoring the world around them...
"I should have stayed home." Alice groaned to herself, getting more disappointed the more she fantasized about something that could never happen.
"Well hello there, beauty!"
Alice snapped back to reality, and looked at the person in front of her. Unfortunately, it wasn't who she was hoping for. It was instead a group of guys, the same guys that always picked on her during class. Alice only glared at their feet in response, not giving them the satisfaction of looking them in the eyes.
After no response from her, one of them sat down next to her on the bench, "Hey babe, why the glum face? Not having a fun night?" The annoying douche tried to wrap an arm around her, but she quickly stood up and tried to walk away from all of them.
To her annoyance, they blocked her path. "Yo Alice, baby, why you high-tailing out so soon? Da festival just started, an' we's haven't seen you get jiggy with it yet, and peep this shit." One of them... said? Was that suppose to be an English sentence? It was some sort of popular slang with teenagers, although Alice never even understood a lick of it. Connery accurately dubbed it as, "Speaking retarded gibberish."
"Man, Alice. When we found out it was you, we couldn't believe it." The supposed leader of the pack walked up to her. "Who knew that you could dress so nicely? Maybe if it showed a little more skin, and you wore it everyday, you could have been more popular in school." The pig said, feasting on her figure with his disgusting perverted eyes.
"What do you want from me?" Alice growled, slowly stepping back.
"Woah, easy there feisty, we just noticed that you've been looking pretty sad since the party started." He raised his hand in mock surrender. "So we thought that maybe we could come on over here, and we might cheer you up."
"I'm fine. Now leave me alone!" Alice broke out of the circle, storming away and leaving the group standing there in shock. "Goddamned pigs!" She shouted over her shoulder, as she stomped away.
She'd has had it with this place! She could only guess why this testosterone-filled shithole excuse of a school was still standing, or why any decent human beings could ever stand being around these barbarians for even a second.
Nearby students who witnessed the spectacle were stunned silent, and could only stare at Alice as she angrily walked away. The leader of the group of bullies didn't seem to take kindly to her remarks, and shouted at Alice, "Yeah!? Well we didn't even wantcha, you ugly-ass bitch! You're the one who's so fuck-ugly not even that reject Connery wants you!"
Alice froze in her tracks. The last sentence of that insult hit her harder than it should have. She knew that she shouldn't listen to whatever they said. She knew that it was just another lie, another insult, and it shouldn't have been any different than any of the rest.
But... it hurts. Why did it hurt more than the others? Was it because, deep down, she knew that it was probably true? Was she ever good enough for Connery? Would Connery ever see her as anything else, other than just a friend?
The bully who yelled at her gained satisfaction for how she suddenly stopped moving, and took it as a sign to insult her more. "Everyone hates you! You would never be popular enough to get any guys, or be friends with anyone! That geek-head Connery probably only hangs out with you, so that he could look better in public when compared to YOU!"
A tear ran down her face. Some of it might have been true. Maybe Connery had always known that she had a crush on him, but he just pretended to never notice. Maybe he just didn't want to hurt her feelings if she ever found out that he didn't like her. Maybe her whole friendship was just out of pity, or an entire lie...
The more she went into it, the more tears ran down her face. She held her gloved hand to cover her mouth, and choked back silent sobs.
Do I even mean anything to him?
...
"YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!"
As I pressed the button, my hidden smoke-screen machines activated, filling the entire area with smoke. Everyone was coughing and disoriented, and I quickly jumped out of my hiding spot, and charged towards those fuckheads!
I couldn't hold myself back, my whole body and mind was filled with utter rage. I falcon-punched the motherfucker that made Alice cry, and stomped his nads when he was down, which I got a satisfying wheeze of pain in response. I pulled out two of my modified paint guns with both hands, and repeatedly shot down the fucking group of douche-bags with non-lethal, yet very fucking painful pellets, making a splatter of messy colors. I didn't stop until I felt satisfied.
After the smoke cleared, everyone gave their attention to me as I stood with my foot on top of this faggot's face.
"Fucking pricks!" I grunted, and kicked his face one last time, before calmly walking off the unconscious bodies.
"GREETINGS TO ALL OF YOU IDIOTIC PARASITES OF THIS LAND!" I yelled to all of them.
Everyone stared at me with shock evident on their faces. Especially Alice. I bet I looked like a badass in front of her. Add in the fact that I was wearing a white-pressed suit, a black tie, and a kick-ass CAPE!
"It's great to finally crash into this fucking mess of a party! I see that all you shitheads here were having a good time, disgustingly rubbing your bodies against each-other, like the primates you are!"
Harsh words, sure, but it wasn't like any of them deserved better. The majority of the people attending this festival were all of the dumbass jocks, and their air-head sluts. Any of the rare decent students were safely out of range for my ingenious and diabolical plan!
I noticed that a few of them were eyeing the unconscious paint-covered bodies behind me. "Don't worry about these guys. They'll probably live... Probably." I chuckled.
"Ha. Pathetic! This will soon be the cause of Cluetopia's future downfall! Arrogance, greed, indecency! These behaviors will make you all weak and defenseless! When Cluetopia finally falls, I WILL BE THERE TO TAKE WHAT'S LEFT, AND BECOME THE TRUE EVIL LORD EMPEROR! All of you shall some day bow down in front of me, and my empire! I shall prove to you all, that I AM THE SUPERIOR BEING! MUAHAHAHAHA!" I cackled my insane evil laughter. "You shall all RUE the day you dare to mock me and my allies!"
I pulled out the device to unleash my attack, "BEHOLD! PAINT-CANNONS!"
When I dramatically pressed the button, more of my machinery popped out from the ground. They were my latest inventions! "Mk. 5 Auto-Sentry Paint-Cannons of EVIL!" I made them so advanced, I SKIPPED THE FIRST 4 MKS. IT'S GENIUS!
The sentries used their heat-scanners, and started auto-targeted the crowd of students. Screams of disgust rang in my ears as my machines ruined all their clothing and dresses.
I dashed towards Alice, just before my sentries could fire at her. I skidded to a halt in front of her and used my cape to shield us from the incoming projectiles.
After I was able to temporally be the goddamned Batman, and the pellets stopped coming, I grabbed Alice's hand and strapped a metal bracelet on her wrist.
"Don't worry. Heat-sensor blocker. You won't get hit." I told her. I looked up to smile at her, but frowned when I saw her face full of drying tears. "Oh, Alice..."
I raised my hand to cradle her cheek, and gently used my thumb to wipe away her tears. She looked at me, as if I might be a figment of her imagination. "Connery... I thought you didn't want to come to the festival."
"Well yeah, but then I noticed that you seemed sad when we talked about it the other day. So I kinda had this hunch that you probably wanted to ask me to try to sabotage it."
She giggled for a bit, and said, "Of course you would. Only you would think like that."
"Ugh, that freaking jerk." I glared back behind me, "Should have kicked him harder. Can't believe he made you cry..."
"It's ok now... I shouldn't have listened to him in the first place. I knew he was lying." She smiled at me, relieved that I was here, I guess.
"I wasn't able to hear the whole thing, except mostly that last part..." I gave a sad smile. "Like I actually care what other people think? You know I'm not like that."
"I know you aren't..." Suddenly, she hugged me tightly. "I'm so glad that you aren't..."
Well... um... wow... *Ahem* Was it hot in here? I felt my face warming up for some reason.
She continued to hug me for awhile, as tight as she could, like I might disappear if she let go.
Meanwhile, my sentries ran out of ammo. The commotion around us slowly died out, with everyone getting their footing back, and most of them looking like they wanted to kill me right then and there. But neither of us really cared, or noticed.
Eventually, she quickly released me, with her face red and looking away, not making eye contact.
"Hey Alice, how come you came to the festival anyway? Did you wanted to try sabotaging it yourself?" I asked.
"No, that's not what I wanted to ask you the other day. I..." She stumbled for a bit. "I... came, because I kinda hoped that you would dance with me..."
...
"A dance? That's all?" I asked incredulously.
"I understand that you probably wouldn't-"
"Well why didn't you say so in the first place?" I laughed.
Wow! A dance! Who would have thought, out of everything, this was what she wanted to ask me to do at a dance festival?
I did a quick 360-spin, tossing off my cape, and took my two pistols out again. I got down to one knee, and offered a pistol for her. "May I have zis dance, my empress?" I asked in a lame French accent.
Alice widened her eyes in surprise, blushing a bit, before she giggled and took the gun. "Je serais honoré, mon amour."
"I have no idea what you just said, but I guess that means 'yes.'"
I guess it WAS a good idea to install a "Tango" button.
(Imagine them dancing like this, except also shooting their paint-guns at an angry crowd of high-school students.)
As the song started, we get into position, and we started to dance. The people around us started yelling and shouting at us, and some of them tried to run towards us.
While still dancing in synchronized rhythm, we fired our paint-guns at all of them, forcing them to back away.
Alice seemed to be having the time of her life, she had this amazing smile that made me feel like it was worth coming here in the first place.
...Holy crap, I just noticed this now, but she looked absolutely beautiful.
"Wow, Alice. You look amazing in that dress." I said as I twirled her around.
"You just noticed?" She laughed, "Thank you. I wanted to try to impress someone, so I wanted to wear this."
"Oh really? Did it work?"
"I don't know, did it?" She asked me, with a half-lidded look.
...
"... I don't know, did it?" I asked again, oblivious.
"Apparently not. But I don't mind anymore." She sighed, still having her cute smile on.
"'Apparently not?' How could whoever this guy is NOT be impressed? I mean, look at you! You're pretty much drop-dead gorgeous! He has to be BLIND to not fall head-over-heels for you. I don't know about him, but you definitely got my attention!"
"That's... great." Her whole face was red again.
At this point, most of the students just left, trying to dodge the deadly accuracy of our paint-guns. Only a few bystanders were left, and they didn't seem to mind us.
"... I just realized, neither of us know how to dance. How are we doing so well?" Alice asked.
"Haha, I just stop questioning these stuff, and go with the flow before reality kicks in."
We danced all night long... It was one of the most fun and best nights of my life... Yet it also made me change how I looked at her. I always felt speechless whenever she smiled at me, after that night.
I wonder why...
Reality.
I opened my eyes to see the morning sky above me. Apparently I had a dream about her again.
...
I miss her...
"IT'S A MOTHERFUCKING DRAGON!"
Wait, what?
TO BE CONTINUED IN THE NEXT EPISODE, WHERE OUR MAIN VILLAIN FINALLY BUILDS HIS SECRET BASE IN EQUESTRIA! WE SHALL FINALLY SEE HIM IN ACTION! (Depending whether or not the author even knows how to continue.)
AGH, I HATE MY BRAIN, EAT ALL THE TOOTHPASTES, AGH.
Apologies for not updating the story for a month. You may rage in the comments if you so wish. So here's my Distraction Chapter, to distract you till next chapter.
Connery NotEvilGuy in...
SCREW LOGIC
Twilight Sparkle had an unanswered question. A question that had been mind-boggling, and had gone unanswered ever since 2 minutes ago. A question, that if asked to the gods, they would probably scratch their heads in confusion. Or, probably not. The one million bit question...
Who ate the apple pie?
It was a normal day in the town of Ponyville. (Well, as normal as it could get in Ponyville.) Twilight decided that, for this morning, she would make and eat an apple pie.
So she made the pie. Simple, right?
On to step 2, eating the damn thing. Not so hard.
Problem. Where the hell was the pie?
There she was, staring at the empty pan that was just filled with pie literally seconds ago.
Twilight scratched her head in confusion, wondering if she was just hallucinating the whole time. Couldn't be though, she wasn't that crazy yet. Hopefully.
Twilight continued to silently stare at the lack of pie, still trying to get her bearings. It took a few moments for Twilight to finally comprehend that, yes, the pie was no longer there. So she finally said, "Wha-"
"DID SOMEONE SAY EVIL?!" I yelled, popping out of her fridge.
"AAH!"
"Oh hey Twilight! What are you doing here?"
"Wha- I- Th- Connery?! I should be asking that question! What were you doing in my fridge?! You almost gave me a heart attack!"
"Well Twilight, to answer your-" I had to grunt here, because I tripped on a convenient banana peel and landed on my face. "... Well Twilight, to answer your question, I may have mistaken your fridge as my secret base of super evil."
"... WHY?!"
"Geeze, Timmy Turner, calm yourself." I said to her, my ears ringing from all the shrieking. "It was a genius idea I came up with. I've made my super secret evil base to be SO SECRET, that even I can't seem to find where it is. It's only located to places where it is least expected! So, since my evil base is somewhere least expected, and I least expected your fridge..." I paused for a moment, not needing to explain further.
"... You were inside my fridge because you thought you built your secret place inside it?"
"What? No, that wouldn't make sense. I just use that excuse to be able to raid your fridge. 'When in doubt, break into Twilight's house.' is what they all say!"
"... BUT THAT DOESN'T-"
"Anywho, I see that you're in a predicament here. I might be able to help." I gently pushed her aside, and put my face against the crime scene. "Ah... OH! I see... Yes... Intriguing... Oh, most fascinating! ..."
I continued to make noises like this for the past 2 minutes, before Twilight had finally asked me, "What are you doing now?"
"I have no clue." I answered, my face still touching the inside of the empty pan, which made a somewhat cool echo effect. "But I do know what I can be doing!" I dramatically pointed my finger up. "MINION-BOTS! ASSEMBLE!"
In a straight and orderly fashion, my hidden robot army popped out of the fridge, one by one, and marched into the kitchen room. Twilight could only stare as my army pass through her house so casually, while also suffering a minor seizure for how impossibly illogical it is for them to fit in her fridge.
"... How long were you in my fridge?" She asked, recovering from her temporary mind-rape.
"2 weeks now. I'm actually surprised no one noticed. I was hiding behind the vegetable compartment."
"... I never did check behind that..." Twilight whispered to herself.
"Well, I think it's time for Detective Connery on the case!"
"Detective Connery, Evil Ace Detective, is on the case!" I said, now donning a detective costume.
I look to the side to see Twilight, her mouth gaping, as she raised her hoof for few moments, before setting it down. "You know what? Nevermind."
I shrugged in response, took out an evil magnifying glass out of my ass, and proceeded to inspect every single little detail I could find. The pan, the table, the floor, the unrelated hoofprints on the floor, the unrelated trail of pie crumbs on the floor, that very very suspicious purple hair- "You need a shower by the way." "Hey!" Every single little detail I could find.
"I'VE COME TO A CONCLUSION." I yelled, after I was satisfied with my thorough inspections of staring at the pan for the last 5 minutes. I walked towards the curtains of the nearby window. I could smell the fragrance of apples behind it. "You see, somepony here has eaten your pie. That somepony is still currently here with us this entire time."
"Ok, this is making sense." Twilight said, sighing with relief.
"You see this curtain? Notice the small stain of jam, and the smell of apples near it?"
"Yes! I do!"
"Then by that evidence, we both know what is behind this curtain..."
"Of course! It's the culp-"
"A gigantic chocolate cake is actually behind this curtain!" I fling back the curtain to show the hidden gigantic chocolate cake!
I took the cake and set it on the table, in front of Twilight. "Ah, but the mystery is not over yet! For you see, there is another clue we have overseen!" I walked back towards the window. "You see this potted plant?" I pointed to the potted plant.
"Uh, yes?"
"It's not a potted plant. It's actually..." I took the fake plant and threw it on the ground. A loud smash and a loud "Oof!" was a result from the broken pot, dirty dirt on the floor, and a certain pink pony. "PINKIE PIE!"
"Oh, uh... Hey Connery! Hey Twilight! What-suh... what's going on?" Pinkie stuttered out, while giving a sheepish smile.
"So the mastermind behind all this is actually YOU!" I pointed dramatically.
"W-wait wait! I can explain! See, I'm not actually Pinkie Pie!" She quickly stood up, and unzipped a hidden zipper in her hair, to reveal the most SURPRISING PLOT TWIST! "I'm actually you, Connery NotEvilGuy!" I said, pulling off my Pinkie Pie costume.
"..." Twilight dramatically said, flipping a page of her book.
"LE GASP!" I gasped in reaction to myself. "So you're me?!" I asked me.
"Yes, I was you the entire time!" I admitted to me.
"But wait... if you're me... then that must mean that I'm..." I pull down a hidden zipper from my head, to reveal ANOTHER SURPRISING PLOT TWIST. "Actually Pinkie Pie!" Pinkie said, as she takes off her disguise.
DUN DUN- ah fuck it, you already get the point.
"BUT WAIT! If you're actually Pinkie, and I'm actually you..." I pulled out a map and pointed to a random spot, "and Al Pacino is currently somewhere in this region of the universe... Then who was the potted plant?"
We both dramatically turned our heads toward the potted plant near the window. The plant suddenly grew legs of its own, and a mouth! "HAHA, so you found me out! Yes, it was actually me this entire time! HAHAHAHAHA!" It cackled wildly. "But it was all in vain, for you shall never take me alive!"
The plant opened and jumped out of the window, cackling all the while. We knew that it would get away soon, so both Pinkie and I ran out the door, chasing the fiendish plant! "Get back here, you green bastard!"
As we left behind Twilight, she could only stare at the door. She sighed deeply, wondering if she should sleep this experience away from her memory. She glanced toward the table to notice that the chocolate cake from before is still sitting there, with a note on the side. Twilight levitated the note to her, curious.
Dear Twilight,
I'm going to go on an evil adventure soon, and I won't be around for your birthday party. So to make up for it, here's an evil cake I made for you, and some extra bits for your pie. I wish you a happy early birthday. :D
Malicious intents, Connery NotEvilGuy.
"... Huh. Heheh, I didn't expect that." Twilight giggled. Looking at the cake again, with a hungry stomach, she helped herself to some cake.
THE E-
"Wait," Twilight stopped herself. "Why are you guys still here?" She asked the minion-bots in her house.
"I have no idea. What was the point of us here again?" One robot asked another.
"Plot-inconsistency?" He shrugged.
Yeah, seriously, what was the point of these guys? They never really did anything. They were just... there, for the chapter.
I am the narrator, and I'm explaining things in the 3rd person view, which is really confusing since most of the narration comes from a future and/or present 1st person view of the main character.
Blah blah blah, why is this part not funny, blah blah blah.
Now we see a depressed love girl interest!
"I am the cute and mysterious love interest of the main character's mysterious past, which is definitely not just an excuse to write out a bad high-school romance story. I'm going to act cliche, and keep being sad about how the surprisingly not-so-cliche main character is being cliche for not noticing my feelings towards him."
And I, the narrator, shall provide images of her fantasies, and long detailed explanations to show you that she is in love with the main character, even though you probably already figured that out about a fucking chapter ago.
Oh look! A group of cliche douche-bags that are mean and perverted and also have unrealistic personalities with no sense of humanity, just for the sake of being a bunch douche-bags.
"Hey, we're douche-bags! You'll love the part where we get our asses kicked by the main character!"
"I'm that guy that speaks retarded gibberish!"
"Time to harass the mysterious girl that the reader still knows nothing about, other than the fact that she's in love with the main character!"
"Independent and strong girl powers activate! Observe as I act cold and mean towards people I don't like, and only act cute and shy towards the main character, because you absolutely need to know that I am in love with the main character!"
"Insert angry reaction and insult here, which somehow affects your independent and strong personality, and then yell out that the main character hates you!"
"Now I become easily convinced from what the douche-bags say, simply because they mentioned the main character hating me. The narrator will now describe my thoughts, emotions, and actions."
I WILL NOW DESCRIBE HER THOUGHTS, EMOTIONS, AND ACTIONS. Cry, cry, maybe he hates her, cry.
This is to show you that she loves the main character. You already knew that, but we had to make sure anyway.
Hey look, the main character jumps in to save the day!
"BADASS ANGRY CUSS!"
I will now take over the narration of the story, hoping that it doesn't confuse you any further. I describe myself as I do awesome amazing shit that the real author wishes he could do. You jelly author?
"Blah blah, random speech, blah."
This is the part where I have a heartwarming moment with my love interest.
"I'm consoling you!"
"I'm happily relieved that you exist!"
"I remain oblivious to your love, even though I can easily tell if you're depressed! That's a thing, somehow..."
And then we have a romantic dance, and then I describe about how her face blushes, and then I end the flashback with subtle hints about feeling the same way towards the love interest, even though I never clarify who she is, other than the fact that she is in love with me! BECAUSE THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO KNOW, in case you couldn't tell.
Episode 3: Moving The Story Along (AKA Fuck You Writer's Block!)
There I was, staring down the beast of all beasts. Face-to-face, head-to-head, eye-to-eye with the creature itself, we stare into each other’s souls. My minion-bots cower behind me, not because of the dragon, but because they knew that shit was about to go down.
The biggest showdown in history. Man versus lizard... that was also a giant... and it also breathed fire... and had wings... y'know, 'cause it's a dragon...
As we continued our stare-down, we both prepared ourselves for what was to come.
I pulled a random sword out of my ass, and posed.... menacingly.
The dragon scraped his claws against the ground... menacingly.
I narrowed my eyes... menacingly.
He also narrowed his eyes... menacingly.
Then, suddenly, we both charged into the epic battle!
...
Menacingly.
And thus, we fought!
"AAAAAAAAAH"
"ROOOAAAARR"
We fought the epic battle of all epic battles. I mean, it was so awesome. I feel bad for anyone who wasn't there to witness such an epic moment. There was so much fighting, and so much screaming, oh god it was awesome. I did that one badass thing to the dragon, and he was like, "OOOOOOOWW" and I was like, "HAHAHA" and oh man. Then, then he did that thing to me, and it hurt like hell, but it was also pretty cool. And... oh wow, man, you just had to be there for yourselves to see all of the awesome craziness that came from our battle. It was like, PEW PEW PEW, ROAR, STAB, POW, ZING, PUZUGNOA.
Then I stabbed it, and it fell down, heaven shone light on me, and then doves shot out of my ass, and there was a rainbow, the end.
"And that's how I would defeat you in an epic battle of strengths." I said, sipping my tea.
On the other side the table, sat the dragon, also sipping his own cup of tea. We were having a delightfully friendly conversation about who would kill who in a fight.
"So what do you think?" I asked.
"I think you exaggerate too much. Don't you think it would be highly unrealistic for doves to appear out of nowhere, just as you kill me? I mean, where would you get the doves anyway?"
"Bleh, does it really matter? No one will question it anyway, since it's just a little detail I added." I waved it off.
"Also, the part where heaven shines light upon you, and the sudden rainbow? Really illogical and too convenient to be realistic."
"Hey! I thought that was a really nice touch! This is the story of how I beat a dragon, so it wouldn't hurt to add a few effects in."
"Plus, where do you plan on getting doves this time of year anyway? It's still the fall, so won't all the doves have migrated south or something? IT ISN'T REALISTIC AT ALL!" The dragon stood and slammed his claws onto the table.
Outraged by his sudden outrage, I too, slammed my hands onto the table angrily. "OH COME ON! WHY WOULD ANY OF THAT MATTER?! IT'S JUST DETAILS TO MAKE THE STORY COOLER!"
"IT MATTERS BECAUSE OF CONSISTENCY, YOU LAZY, OVER-EXAGGERATING ASS!" The dragon yelled, flipping the table over.
"LAZY?! I'LL SHOW YOU WHO'S THE LAZY ONE HERE!"
"ROOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAA-"
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-"
Then we found its cave.
...
"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!"
Meanwhile, in a different part of the Everfree forest, but still in the Everfree forest.
The Mane 6 continue to follow and stalk our main evil protagonist, watching his every move, studying him like an insect would to... another... smaller insect. Yeah.
Twilight especially. She is just staring the crap out of all of those aliens.
Why wouldn't she though? It's a rare opportunity, with them being aliens and all. If the scientists could somehow reverse-engineer those robots, the ponies could get a major boost in technological advancement! And the leader, oh what secrets did his head hold? An unidentified creature from another world with sentience, and vast intellect? If using the elements didn't work, then that might be a sign to try a different approach! If only they could somehow convince him to spill his knowledge...
"Ugh. This is taking forever." Rainbow whispered. "They're right there! Why do we gotta hide, when we can just take them out right here and now?"
"Calm your hindquarters Dash." Her hat-wearing southern friend said. "We ain't got no idea what we're up against. That thing must be really strong if it can just shrug of the elements like it was nothin'."
"Uh, I really don't like being near them like this." The butter yellow colored pony whispered. "I mean, didn't the princess say that we should avoid the alien at all cost? I feel like we should head back home. I would like that. If you don't mind, of course."
She was ignored.
"Ooh, Rarity, looking good! Is that a new dress?"
"Oh, why thank you for noticing Pinkie. Indeed, this is a new creation, made by yours truly." Rarity replies as she bounces her hair, all fancy like. "Need a disguise that isn't tacky? Hiding in plain sight, but enough to attract the eyes of others? My purple and white camouflaged sundress and hat is sure to do the trick. Covers enough so you won't get dirty, and easily washable if you stain it during the mission." Rarity tosses her hair back to show off the well-styled camo-sundress.
"Neato!"
"Isn't it just, darling? What do you think Twilight?"
"Mm-hm." Twilight responded, never breaking her line of sight in front.
"... Twilight, did you even look at my dress?"
"Uh-huh, yeah Fluttershy, cake is good." She halfheartedly answered, eyes still locked on the alien.
...
"What-"
"SHH, something's happening!"
"Ey, that crane ain't s'pose to be ther'! Move it ya squicks, I ain't paying ya to be lards of shits!" I said, commanding the construction site as my minion-bots built me my evil lair.
"Sir, why are you speaking like that?" asked my guard-bot.
"Dafuq why aren't choo doin' it?"
"What I'm wondering is where in the hell did we get the supplies and tools to build a construction site." the other bot said next to him.
...
"Shut up."
After deeming the cave as my new evil lair, we started building. The noise of construction rang clear, with hammers slamming up and down and cranes and wrecking balls swinging everywhere, all to the beat set by a dozen jackhammers...jacking? No, that sounds dirty, uh...doing that thing. You know. That thing where they buck up and down all "ATATATATATATATATAT". Yes.
Gee-wiz, this is taking a long while. "You there, construction-bot! Come here for a second!" I called my yellow robot over. As he came closer, I asked him on the details of when my lair will be done. "When's my lair going to be done?"
"Well, at the rate we're going, it may take a few hours. A day at most." He answered, tapping his clip-board
"What?! But that will take forever! I can't NOT be bored for that long!"
Hm... what was that one thing that I always use during situations like this?
HMMMMM....
"I got it! We can speed up the time with an OBLIGATORY DANCING MONTAGE!" I looked around to find a cameo appearance by the Daft Punk robots! "Oh hi cameo appearance Daft Punk! HIT IT!"
I got a thumbs up in response, and indeed they did hit it.
As the music starts, I quickly ran off somewhere, "I need to go change into my dancing suit!"
Slowly, but gradually, the groove of the music starts to take in its toll with all of the robots. They strike their hammers against the steel walls in sync to the rhythm, dancing to the beat.
Head-bopping to the music, some of my minion-bots begins to sing.
"Work it" "Make it" "Do it" "Makes us"
They pause a bit to resume their hammering, then continue.
"Harder." "Better." "Faster." "Stronger."
One construction-bot stops entirely, jumps down the platform, and starts shuffling from side to side.
"More than" "Hour" "Our" "Never"
2 more robots jump down to provide backup dancing.
"Ever." "After." "Work is," "Over."
I quickly return in a fancy suit and fedora, and before you ask, yes, yes I did. "Oh good, I didn't miss much."
"Work it" "Make it" "Do it" "Makes us"
"Harder." "Better." "Faster." "Stronger."
Kicking the ground while snapping their fingers to the tempo, the fun just started.
As the dancers kept singing, the crane carried a spotlight, shining it over them. The background lights up with the awesome synchronized dancing of the robots as they continue to build. Some more minion-bots jump out of their platform to form a circle around the dancers, with one of them starting to walk smugly towards them. The other dancers pause as they watched him dance out his own style, break-dancing.
Not impressed by his moves, the lead dancer did his own free-style dancing trick, spinning around, wooing the circle.
"Work it Harder." "Make it Better." "Do it Faster." "Makes us Stronger." "More then Ever." "Hour After." "Our Work is," "Never Over."
"MAKE ROOM, KIDDIES." I said, moon-walking to the center. Spinning around, doing all the Michael Jackson dance moves in the book. Then all the others starting to mimic me, as we soon begin a synchronized dance, even doing the awesome anti-gravity lean. Just imagine that for a moment.
After that, we all do our own thing. The sky darkened at this point, even though the sun was in the middle of the sky, not 2 minutes ago, which helps our many disco lights illuminate the entire area with its disco colors.
And for the grand finale, we all fell down to the floor at the last beat.
...
"Oh hey, the lair was finished while we were dancing."
We all got up, conversing with each-other, congratulating ourselves on the successful mission and how awesome we are at dancing. Soon, we make our way inside our new home to prepare for new adventures. I can't wait to see it.
Meanwhile, in a different part of the Everfree forest, but still in the Everfree forest again.
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"... OOH! I WANNA SEE THAT AGAIN!"
Next time, on BUT I AM EVIL!
"So, this wanted criminal is important to the government, right?"
"Right?"
"And, the princess is ALSO important to the government right?"
"...Yes?"
"Then by that logic... A wanted criminal is just as important as a princess, and that's why we should kidnap one for ransom!"
"... Yeah, sure, why not."
MAYBE I CAN ACTUALLY WRITE THIS FASTER MAYBE?! MOTHERFUCKING LAZY ASS SHIT.
10 - Let's Go Kidnap A Princess... Or at least, someone as important.
Two days later, inside a diner in a place somewhere. I don't know, Fillydelphia or some shit like that..
It was a quiet and stereotypical fast food diner. You got the sassy, not-good-at-paying-attention-looking-at-hooves-all-the-time mare that only starts to get tolerable once you've become a regular and gotten to know her, you got the two southerners conversing with each other over perverted things and wagons, and that quiet business guy that only ever eats that one thing on the menu and has a crush on the mare behind the counter.
It had been normal so far, with the only weird part being that weird monkey thing sitting in the corner table. But other than that, perfectly normal.
And then this asshole showed up.
He came in quietly, the only thing signaling his presence being the bell ringing on the door. He silently walked up to the mare behind the counter.
The mare only glanced at him before looking back at her hooves, "Well, waddya want? You gonna order something or are ya just gonna sit there and stare? This ain't no peep show."
"Actually, yeah, I am gonna order something." The guy replied in a gruff voice. Then suddenly, a bright green sword appeared out of nowhere, only inches from the mare's forehead. "I'm gonna order you to hoof over the bits, if you please."
"AAAAAAH!"
The screams of the mare quickly gained the attention of the others, as they watched the offender summon a big green sword, made of pure magic. Such magic could only be performed by a highly-skilled unicorn, meaning this guy was no ordinary robber.
"NOPONY MOVE, THIS IS A STICK UP!" He waved the sword in front of him, causing the ponies to back away. "Unless you want your head sliced and diced, you stay away! Hurry up on those bits, you whorse!" He threw a bag at her, which she immediately threw piles of bits in.
"Oh dear Celestia, I know you!" The quiet stallion who only ever eats that one thing on the menu and also has a crush on the mare behind the counter said. "You're Quick Buck! The most notorious thief in all of Equestria! You're the pony that's robbed six convenience stores in the last two years!"
"Pfft, what?"
"That's right! I'm the infamous outlaw of Equestria! I suggest that you all just do what I say, and you don't have to be any of my first victims! Capiche?" He growled, before yelling at the mare, "HURRY UP WITH THOSE BITS!"
"Yessir!" She double-timed it.
The innocent ponies of that diner prayed for a savior, a hero, somepony, anypony, to help them.
...
The noisy squeak of the scraping chair filled the room. All eyes went towards the corner, as the weird monkey thing stood from its table, and slowly walked towards the robber.
The robber aimed the sword at the thing before it got too close. "Stay back you freako! Or else I'll stick your head to a plaque and hang it on my wall!"
"Uhuh, right." It deadpanned, before facing the mare behind the counter. "Excuse me miss, can you empty out that bag and lend it over to me when you're done?" It asked the mare. She only gave it a confused look.
"Hey hey! What do you think you're doing?! Do you not see me waving around a big sword pointed at your face?" the crook said, doing just exactly that.
"Oh, I just need an empty bag, so that I can carry home the unconscious body of this poor fucker here." The thing calmly answered, still facing the mare.
"Is that a threat? You think you can threaten me?! You think, cause you're bigger than me, you can take me on?! WELL I'LL SHOW YOU WHO'S THE BO-"
*Pew!*
*Snoring noises.*
The creature, now holding some sort of weapon, spun it around its fingers and blew out the smoke, before tucking it back in his coat. The thief that was threatening everypony just moments ago had now dropped unconscious after getting hit by the creature's attack.
The ponies in the diner stared in awe. Who was this creature? Where did it come from, and why was it here? Whatever it was, it must be a hero!
"Hm..." It hummed to itself before asking, "Actually, can I keep 2 bits in that bag? I kinda want to try out that ice cream dessert that you're selling."
"It wasn't as good as Rocky Road, but it was alright, I guess." I concluded, after explaining my morning adventure to my network construction-bot.
"Jesus, I should really stop you from going on adventures in the morning." He replied, face-palming.
In front of us was the main computer of the security room. All intelligence and information here, from inside or out, gets transferred here for analysis. The computer screen showed the live recording of our latest prisoner. He was tied to a chair, and had been quite rude during his time here.
"YOU ********** I AM GONNA ********** WITH ALL ******* TO ALL OF YOUR ****** AND I WILL TAKE YOUR MOTHERS *************** WHILE SHOVING ****** ********** WITH MY *********-"
*Flick*
"..."
"Phew, thank god for mute buttons." I chuckled, watching the prisoner thrash about in his chair.
"Wait, isn't this a live feed? How are his words getting censored?"
The computer interface suddenly showed an angry emoticon.
"I don't like cussing."
The emoticon disappeared just as briefly as it showed up.
"Anyways, what do you have on him?" I coughed.
"Well, we were only able to get a limited amount of background info, since apparently, the internet doesn't exist here. So, we're stuck with newspapers and books." He took a newspaper from under his desk, and unfolded it to show me the front cover. "Quick Buck, Notorious Outlaw. Wanted for robbery, thievery. and stealing-"
"Isn't that all the same thing?"
"50,000 bits reward if caught... So what do you think we should do with him?"
"Hm... we are kinda short on money-"
"We're flat out broke, actually."
"Hm... I'm gonna need a minute to think about this. In the meanwhile..." I looked back up the screen, flicking on the microphone for the room. The prisoner had finally used up all his energy shouting to his heart's content, so now he was as limp as a marshmallow. "Attention guard-bots in the vicinity of the prison area. I will need some of you to prepare the prisoner for... the torture device."
We watch as two guard-bots walk up to the prisoner, moved him into the next room, and held him down on the torturing table.
"Whu, what are you freaks gonna do to me?! LET ME GO DAMMIT! What are you gonna do to me?!" Having somehow regained enough energy to thrash about again.
"Oh you'll find out real soon. Muahahahaha!" I should consider doing voice acting, I sound god damn SMOOTH AS HELL.
Soon, an operating table being pushed by a medic-bot wearing a surgeon’s mask wheeled into the room. I don't know what the mask was for, considering he's a robot. He opened the toolbox, and rummages around inside to find.... the torture device.
"No, NONONONO, GET THE BUCK AWAY FROM ME DAMMIT! I AIN'T GONNA BE NO LAB RAT OR SOME CUT UP DOLL THAT YOU CAN DISSECT, YOU SICK- is that a feather?"
...
"AAAAAAAAAAA-"
*Flick*
"Now... what to do with this fellow here? Hm..." I pondered and wondered, thinking how I would go about this predicament. Many many ideas travel through my head, and pretty much all of them are irrelevant to the subject at hand.
Thinking...
Thinking...
The 70's Show was hilarious...
Did I leave the fridge open back home?
Oh shit, I did, didn't I? Piss, the electric bill is going to be a bite in the ass.
I wonder how my dead dad is doing.
This somehow reminds me of the time I tripped and fell on my face in that other non-canon part of my life.
"HEADS UP, MR. LIGHT-BULB TO THE RESCUE!" said a faraway voice that I didn't notice.
Something collided into the back of my head, which gave me THE MOST BRILLIANT IDEA EVER.
"I die, for youuu...... and your ideas.... bleugh."
I snapped my fingers, "I got it! I know what we can do with this guy." Taking the newspaper, I proceed to explain. "So, this guy, a wanted criminal, is important to their government, right?"
"... Right...?"
"And a princess is ALSO important to the government, right?"
"...Yes?"
"Then by that logic... a wanted criminal is JUST as important as a princess, and that's why we're going to take him as hostage for ransom!"
...
"... You're an idiot."
"Heheh, you didn't say that before."
...
"What do you mean 'before?'"
Later, in the castle of the Princesses.
Celestia paced back and forth, impatiently waiting for the arrival of her sister. Luna had been on a political expedition, going around the world, appearing in conferences with some of the other leaders of the foreign lands. Celestia had called her back to talk to her about the arrival of the new creature and his army.
What was taking her so long? Celestia hoped that she hadn't encountered the alien already. Who knows what would happen?
Celestia heard the door to her chamber open, and she looked up to find her sister.... eating... an... ice cream....
"Apologies, sister. But I heard that there was a new ice cream parlor added in the castle, and I really wanted to see it for myself. It has been so long since we've ever made any new additions to the castle." Luna licked her ice cream before continuing. "Also, there was a new flavored ice cream, and it contains marshmallows! It's called Rocky-"
Before she could even finish her sentence, Celestia proceeded to take the ice cream cone from her, threw it down on the floor, and started stomping on it for 2 minutes straight. Then 2 minutes after that, she fired tons and tons of magic beams at it, resulting in a very large black crisp where it once laid..
Celestia, finally done unleashing all of her anger at the innocent ice cream, panted, slightly out of breath.
...
"I take it, something's bothering you?"
Celestia sighed, embarrassed at her violent actions. Usually, she would be more rational than this, but what was left of her psyche had been demolished 2 days ago by that... creature.
"I... I'm sorry, Luna. It's just, ever since the creatures started appearing throughout the land, I've been a heaping mess."
"You're talking about those mechanical beings, correct? I've already encountered them myself, and they didn't seem to be hostile. What did they do to... *ahem* aggravate you?" Luna asked.
"It's not them I'm talking about, but more their leader."
"You've met their leader?"
"Yes... somewhat. Ugh, it's just so hard to really explain. While you were gone, I imprisoned him here, and he tried to escape, and he has the word evil in his name, and the elements won't work on him, and he escaped successfully on some kind of cart, and the ICE CREAM with the ROCKY ROAD! I just..." Celestia sighed, tired as all hell.
"Sister, I haven't seen you like this since the first Discord incident. You need to calm down, and relax. Slow down." Luna stepped towards Celestia, and gave her a comforting hug.
Celestia, appreciating the well needed comfort, hugged her back. "Thank you Luna. You're right, I've been so stressed these past few days. So many strange things have happened, that I never thought would happen in a millennium."
As they broke the hug, Luna then asked, "Is the leader hostile? Will he attack us?"
"That's... debatable. He claims to be an evil emperor, but the outcome from the Elements of Harmony says otherwise. When we used it against him, instead of imprisoning him in stone, they made him immune to my magic. It's almost as if they helped him."
"That is odd-"
"ATTENTION CELESTIA! PRINCESS AND LEADER OF MAGIC PONY LAND! GET YOUR BIG FAT MAGICAL ASS OUT HERE!"
The princesses turn their head to the sudden shouting noise outside the balcony, which they saw a small group of the same robot aliens they captured, as well as the leader, holding a megaphone, and carrying a sack.
Luna looked at Celestia, "Did he just...?"
"..."
"Do you think they heard me?" I asked, fumbling around my megaphone.
"Well, judging by the many armor-clad ponies showing up with spears, swords, and other shit, I'd say that you need to yell louder." one of my guard-bots replied.
"Ok then."
I breathed in to yell into my megaphone again, but then my guard-bot quickly stopped me. "NO nononono, I think they heard you. You don't have to scream into the mic and make us all deaf."
Putting away my megaphone, I waited patiently for the princess to arrive. The hostage inside the sack I was carrying struggled to and get out. "Please, let me out, I'm sorry, I just wanna go home!"
"Sure, in a minute."
The tension between the ponies and my minion-bots slowly grew. The guard-ponies surrounded us, aiming their weapons and magic. All of my minion-bots were pointing back with huge laser guns.
It was a very awkward situation.
...
*cough* .... *scratch*
...
And then finally, the guest of honor arrived, as she lands majestically near her guards. She also brought along a... smaller blue winged pony? Huh. Must be her daughter or something.
"You have a lot of nerve to return to the city that you had just escaped captivity from, while also insulting me in the process. Tell me why I shouldn't capture you right here, right now?"
Jesus, I almost forgot how scary she was. "I kidnapped one of your ponies and I'm making him my hostage." I swing the sack around, showing it to them. The muffled noises and the thrashing from inside made everyone in the area widen their eyes in surprise and horror. Celestia and her daughter were not very happy.
"What?! You kidnapped and hurt an innocent pony?! Did you come here just to brag about that?!"
"Well, no. I wouldn't say that. I want a ransom of 25,000 bits." I replied calmly, and bluntly.
The blue one didn't seem to like that. As I can tell by the ear-shattering, earthquake making, scream of the century. "THOUST DARE TO KIDNAP OUR OWN SUBJECTS AND EXPECT PAYMENT FOR THY ACTIONS?!"
...
Taking out my megaphone, I proceed to counter-scream. "I CAN SCREAM LOUDLY TOO! NOT REALLY FUN ON THE RECEIVING END, IS IT?!" The high-pitched megaphone feedback gave me an extra oomph, as everyone in the vicinity cringed in irritation.
Points for me.
I opened the bag slightly so that they could hear the sobbed scream of my hostage. "Please, I just wanna leee-he-heeave! Don't take me back to the torture chamber! I can't handle it anymore!"
They looked shocked when he mentioned the torture chamber. "Comply or don't comply. It's your choice." I said.
Slowly, I could see their anger getting overcome by their resolve to save this jerk. I could never understand why people gave sympathy to those who don't deserve it. Granted, they had no idea who was in the sack yet, so yeah.
"... Fine. Guards, go to the treasury room in the castle and get the amount of bits needed."
One guard saluted before flying off, no questions asked. It took a few moments before he returned with a bag of money.
"Here, 25,000 bits, as you asked." Celestia said coldly, throwing the bits in the middle of us.
I ordered one of my own guard-bots to walk up and take the money. Then, I slid the sack over to the ponies, "Welp, here you go! Thanks for the ransom money!" In a happily cheery tone that took them off guard.
The next moment was absolutely priceless. When Quick Buck climbed out of the sack, all of their faces... oh god, it was hilarious. Made even more funny by what the guy did next.
"Oh thank you!" He yelled happily. Quick crawled over to Celestia and started kissing her hoof. "Thank you, thank you, thank you! I swear to you, I will repay you for this! I'm so sorry for everything I've done, I'll make up for it! I swear! I'll do community service! I'll stop doing crime forever! I'll even help you catch other criminals, just please, keep me far away from that monster! I can't handle the tickles anymore! I don't want to be tickled anymore!" He broke down crying all over her hooves.
Everyone was questioning what the fuck was going on. It was so hilarious.
"HAHAHA! OH my god, this is awesome! Hahahah! Oh man." I slapped my knees, chuckling through all this. "Phew. Welp, time to go home boys."
As soon as I said that, the familiar tune of a certain ice cream truck played, and soon the truck appeared with rockets attached to the sides. As it landed, we all went in, and prepared for take off.
"Cya later Princess! Hope you have an evil day!" I yelled, as we flew away.
Oh, it feels GOOD to be the emperor.
Celestia couldn't comprehend the situation here.
The hostage turned out to be a wanted robber, which she’d ransomed for half his bounty, and here he is, kissing her hooves, screaming apologies at her.
She can't even.
"Sister?"
"..."
"Are you ok?"
"Luna, I want to go home and sleep. Wake me up never."
Next time, on But I AM Evil!
---
"That mailpony sure is a ditz."
---
"I'm sorry... I just don't know what went wrong..."
---
"She's treated so badly for being different... In a way, I can relate."
---
"Congratulations! You've been promoted to be my FIRST evil henchman!"
"Ruling the world, one mistake at a time?"
"Hells yeah!"
To be continued....
By the way, that teaser for next chapter will probably not happen. I cheated you. Sorry.
11 - Ain't No Coffee Shop Like A Connery Coffee Shop...
By the way, I really am writing about Derpy. I CHEATED YOU AGAIN! MUAHAHAHAHA!
Last time, on But I AM Evil!
The dark and stormy night descended upon us as I walked up to the one person that I never would have suspected, ever, in my entire life.
"So it was you this whole time?" I asked, relatively calm outwards, but shocked inside. There was no way it could be her...
"Yes detective... it was me all along... I killed her." The mistress answered, no emotion in her words.
"My god... I can't believe it... I thought I knew you, but..."
"You THOUGHT you knew me. It was just a facade this whole time..." I couldn't make out any expression in her face.
"But... why? Why do this? And then hire me to seek the killer? What was the point in all this?"
"... It was the only way to meet you."
What?
"What do you mean?!"
"Can't you see? You were always in my mind, even before we ever met! I've always dreamed of meeting you in person! All those stories, all those adventures!" She had awe in her voice. She slowly stepped towards me. "I knew that you would never come here unless something caught your interest! So I had to do it to meet you! You've stolen my heart... and when we'd finally gotten to know each other, my love grew for you..."
She wrapped me in her arms, gazing at me with those love-struck eyes. I found myself staring back, as it was too hypnotic to look away. "I love you... so much..."
"But... you know that I can't keep this a secret, right? I have to tell all of them the truth... it's my job..."
"... I know. I just wanted to say this to you before we parted. I'm sorry."
To think that one would go to such lengths just to meet me... One so beautiful... One so angelic... We stared into each other's eyes for so long.
Then...
"Elise..."
"Conner..."
Our lips were just inches apart.
"Elise..."
"Conner..."
...
"'And then we kissed on that fateful night, in the rain, for as long as we could. Hoping the moment would last forever.'" The blue minion-bot closed the book, and looked at his friend. "So, whatcha think?"
"... I'm gonna go kill myself. Be back in a minute." The red minion-bot said bluntly, walking off.
"Oh come on! It wasn't that bad! DUDE! ... *Sigh* Well, at least you like it, right boss?" he asked, glancing at the emperor.
"How come this Detective Conner guy is so dense? I mean, Elise was obviously hitting on him for the first 4 chapters! Yet he never even notices! Freakin' dumbass." The emperor grunted as he continued to read the robot's fanfiction.
The panel descending with me still laying on it, as I await for my normal morning spruce up routine.
Giant mechanical arms appeared out of the walls and carried me to my restroom. I was stripped of my clothes, and put in the middle of the room. I spread my arms out, and prepared for the massive showering. Warm water shot out of the walls all around me, drenching my body completely wet. After that, the walls started to shower me with soap and shampoo, the panel spinning around underneath me.
Two mechanical arms then scrubbed me clean with brushes, never missing a single spot. I got drenched in water again to wash away the leftover soap bubbles. A giant hairdryer slid out from the floor and activated, cold wind blasting towards me that slowly became warmer with each passing second.
After I was completely dry, I stepped onto a conveyor belt leading to the clothing room.
A vast amount of clothing zipped past me, all hung on their own clothing lines.
A computer screen popped out before me, and on the interface was a smiley face. "Morning boss. Sleep well? :)"
"Eh, it was uneventful." I shrugged
"Heh, I know that feeling. :\ So, what kind of evil suits are you in the mood for? Dark wizard? Mad scientist? Evil fancy rich suit?" The computer screen switched to the many images of available clothes.
Swiping around a bit, I felt like going in old classic style.
The conveyor belt stopped me between two giant pistons, which then smashed together with me in between. As the pistons pulled away, I was dressed in my new fancy suit, including a blue tie for some reason.
"The tie was my final touch on it. It'll match the goggles that she gave you. :)"
"Oh, thanks!"
"Anytime. See-ya later boss!" The computer said his farewells as I continued on the conveyor belt.
The belt stopped as I reached the final part of my morning routine, a fire pole leading down to my gadget room.
"Weeeeeee!" I squeed as I slid down.
The gadget room was filled with all the inventions I have made in my entire life. From the lazer-guns, to my destructo-fists, to even my newer inventions, the rocket-shoes! Although, there was one piece of gear in particular that I never actually made, but still cherished it with all of my being.
Remember when I mentioned my "Evil Goggles™?" In a way, yes, it is available in all stores except Walmart. (Y'know, evil shit and stuff.) What you didn't know, is that Walmart is the only existing store in Cluetopia. These goggles are actually one of a kind, hand made by my close friend, Alice. Using the knowledge of engineering that I taught her, she made a fully functioning zoom-able set of goggles from just pure scraps of metal in my lab. It was a surprise gift for my birthday. I loved it, and wore it on my head everyday, even if I didn't actually use it that often. I still do to this day, just to remind myself of her and the times we spent together.
... Man, I miss her.
Strapping the goggles onto my forehead, I took out and donned my glasses, and inspected the many weapons I had, opting to just taking a stun-gun before leaving.
Exiting the gadget room, I appeared in the lounge of my evil lair. I made way for the kitchen, as all of my minion-bots greeted me, each in their own personal way.
"Yo boss!"
"Hey leader! How's it going?"
"Greetings leader. I trust you're doing well?"
"Sup dude?"
"Good morning emperor!"
"Hey Connery. Nice choice of clothes today."
As I entered the kitchen room, I pressed another big red button, in which triggered a huge domino effect. Pressing the button opened a small door, which had a ball inside, which rolled down a slide, which knocked over eggs into a frying pan, which landed on a mouse trap, which popped a balloon, which dropped a piece of string attached, which landed on a lit fireplace, which was actually a fuse that ignited, which slowly lit the rest of the fuse, which-
*BOOM*
.... Damn you Rube Goldberg...
"Man, this is such a wonderful day!" I said to myself, as I walked happily through the empty streets of Ponyville in the morning. "The birds are drowsy, the sun is almost shining-ish! Nothing could get any better!"
"LOOK OUT!"
"Huzzy what now?"
I look upwards to see some kind of grey object that was about to collide with my face.
Oh no! How will I ever avoid this? It's coming at me so quickly and I have the reaction time of a dead cat and - yeah fuck that.
I just stepped to the left a bit. Thing flew by my face and collided with a mailbox like Wile E. Coyote running head-first into a wall. Seriously, all I had to do was step a little bit to the left, is it really so hard to avoid something flying into your face? Damn idiots.
I looked at the object in interest, when I discovered that it was actually one of the ponies here. She got up from the collision, and whispered, "Oh no..." when she saw the broken mailbox.
Nearby, the door of a house opened, as a bearded pony looked upon the mess and shouted, "AGAIN?!"
"Tree-mode activated." Gluing ton of leaves and sticks to myself and putting on The Awesome Face mask. I camouflaged PERFECTLY into the setting. Just hope no one looks too closely at me.
"I- I'm sorry Mr. Walkaway! I didn't mean to break your mailbox again!"
"That's what you said last time! And the time before that when you broke my window, and the time before that when you demolished my door!" The old pony shouted, making the poor girl cringe every time his voice rose. "I’ve had it with you breaking my property every time you deliver my mail! I forgave you the first time, even the second time. But it gets annoying after the third time, and increasingly aggravating the next eleven times! I am not made of bits, Derpy. I can't afford to fix another piece of broken property caused by you!"
"Well m-maybe I could-"
"NO! The last time you tried to fix something, you caused more damage in the process! I don't need help, I don't want help, I just want you to stop delivering my mail!"
There was a moment of cold silence. But I could hear the faint sobs from the grey mare. She was doing her best to hold it in, but it wasn't good enough.
The old pony sighed, calming down a tad. "I'm sorry for yelling at you, Derpy. It's just- You have to understand that your condition is the cause of all this."
Condition?
"But I can see just fine!"
"No, Derpy. Just, please. I know that you're trying your best to do your job, support your family, but how can you expect to support them when you can barely fly straight?" The old pony sighed once more, before continuing. "I'm not doing this to be mean to you Derpy. I think of you as a good acquaintance. Heck, we might have been closer friends in different circumstances. But please understand when I try to tell you this. Please, send somepony else to deliver my mail. Ok?"
"*Sniff.* O-ok..." The mare- Derpy, as she was called, wiped her eyes.
"Thank you. But hey, who knows? You might even get a better job at some point! One that pays higher than being a mailmare. You're new boss might even be some lovable maniac who's also a wierd alien thing from another universe... Also afraid of ducks with capes... Look on that bright side, eh? See you later Derpy." The old guy walked back inside his house, leaving the sniffling mare behind on the road.
Aw... poor girl.
I looked around to check if anyone was around, and quickly hopped towards her, still in my fool-proof tree disguise, mask and all. "Hello little lady! Are you ok?"
Derpy turned around and was surprised to see a tree talking to her. "Who are you?"
"Why, I'm Connery HappyTreeGuy! The magical talking happy tree!" I did a little jiggle to emphasize.
"Well, at least you're feeling happy..." She faced back down again, her voice in a depressed tone.
I turned around quickly to redraw my mask with a sad face, then faced her again. "What seems to be bothering you little lady? Are you feeling under the weather?"
"Well...*sniff* it's nothing for you to worry about. It's a stupid problem anyway."
"Come now." I take my hand to face her head towards me. "Look at me for a- Oh! Holy crap, those eyes!"
AAANND there she goes, crying again.
"OH! No! Nonononono, I didn't mean that in a bad way! Oh balls, damn you Connery. Please don't cry anymore! I'm sorry!"
My futile attempts to calm her down were for naught, as I was doing everything I could to stop her from crying.
"Please! Uh... Would you stop crying for an ice cream? Um, how about some cake? Creamy goodness!"
Nope. Still no effect. By this point, my mask had a desperate face on it.
"How about muffins?"
And immediately, the crying stopped.
"...You'll buy me a muffin?" She asked me, as a child would ask their parents when they promised something they really shouldn't.
"Yep! Promise!"
"... What flavor?" Adorable.
"Any flavor you want! It's on me!"
"..."
"..."
"...ok"
The citizens of Ponyville gave funny looks at the strange companion the local mail-mare brought along to Sugar-Cube Corner. The way it hopped along, like a strange rabbit, with a weird " :| " mask.
Indeed, I was getting strange looks by everyone. In a way, it was hilarious.
Hopping my way to the counter, I looked at the menu. "I'll buy... one of everything... again."
"And for you Derpy?"
"She'll have a dozen blueberry muffins. It's on me."
"172 bits as usual, adding 3 more for the muffins."
Using my branches to rummage around my pocket, I tossed out a bag of I-don't-know-how-many-but-I'm-sure-it's-fuck-tons-of bits. "Keep the change."
"Aw, thanks Connery! Your order is coming right up!"
A zip, and then POOF! Gone. We took our seats to wait for our food to arrive. As we did, Derpy started to make conversation.
"Hey, thanks for offering me muffins to cheer me up. It's been hard for me the past few weeks now."
"No problemo, little lady! Always happy to help out! But tell me, what's been hard for you these past few weeks?" I asked her, now wearing a mask of a question mark.
"... I'm just... in a financial crisis right now... I have kids at home, two daughters. We don't have the best living conditions, but we're surviving. I'm having trouble with my job, and if I end up losing it, it might really cripple our income."
"Hm... I'm sure that must be hard." I furrow my fake eyebrows on my mask, a detail had irked me. "What about your husband? Doesn't he help support the family too?"
Welp, that sure was a dumb question to ask. She looked down again, her ears flopping down too, and she was whimpering. GOD DAMN YOU, ME.
"Uh, never-mind! Why don't you tell me something else? How about... um... your eyes! ... oh wait crap."
Jump off the landmine, and get blown into a shark tank with lasers attached to their backs.
Luckily, she didn't seem to be that sad about the topic. In fact, it calmed her down, but she still frowned at the topic.
"It's ok. I'm used to it by now. My eyes were always like this, since I was born." She suddenly got frustrated, "But it doesn't affect my sight! I can still see just fine! It might not look like it, but I really can! I just have to concentrate hard enough... at least until I start flying." She sighed, depressed. Suddenly sitting upright, she started to lecture me about how flight works. "You know, flying is a lot more complicated and harder than it looks! We don't just flap and then suddenly fly just like that. If it was really that simple, I wouldn't be having this problem to begin with! You try flying with wings when you never had any before. I'll be surprised if you can stay in the air for more than 3 seconds!"
Poor choice to use me as an example. I already knew how to fly.
"I'm emperor of the wor- OH GOD PLANE!"
One of my best moments, if I do say so myself.
"In fact, it's one of the reasons why flying should be taught when you're still at an early age. That way, the basics of flying just becomes second-nature in adulthood, like walking!" She looked down again. With less emotion, she continued. "That was one of my problems... I was a late bloomer, you see. My wings hadn't grown enough to support me yet when everypony else had already started flying. But sight is very important in flight. It's hard to fly when you can't see what's in front of you, after all. But the thing is, I have to concentrate my eyes to see properly but I also have to concentrate on my wings to fly."
She sighed again. "It usually results in me crashing a lot." She pointed at her eyes. "If I concentrate on my eyes, then my wings would start to just flap around and I’ll start going all over the place and eventually crash." She then pointed at her wings "If I concentrate on my wings, then I get double vision." She demonstrated with her eyes going clockwise and counterclockwise respectively. "Then I can't see where I'm going and eventually crash." She looked down again. "If I do both, then I just end up looking like I had one too many hard ciders and eventually crash."
She sighed tiredly, "And there you have it, Mr. Happy Tree. I’ve had to live with this problem my whole life. Right now, it's having a bad effect on everything. I was lucky enough to get this job to finally support my kids, and I'm really glad how everypony was putting up with me this whole time. But even they have limits. If this keeps up, I might lose my job soon, and I don't know if I can even find another job... If I don't then... t-then..."
As she started whimpering again, I quickly hopped over and comforted her, wearing a sad mask, careful not to get any branches or leaves in her eyes. "There, there... Just let it all out."
Man... she's been treated so poorly for being different... In a way, I could relate. Even if her situation was way more mild than mine.
"He's such a freak."
"He's a weirdo. Ignore him."
"I liked it better when he was younger. At least he knew to shut up."
"Thinks he's better than us because he's smarter. Little shit."
"Damn punk be wack, shawty. Ain't no time no place for him."
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THAT LAST ONE MEANT. WHO THE HELL WAS SHAWTY?!
Thankfully, Pinkie Pie came in with our order, "Alright Derpy, a dozen blueberry muffins for you!" She put a plate of muffins in front of Derpy, which resulted in a mood whiplash, as she was happily and adorably omnomning the muffin.
Well, ok then. She must REALLY like muffins.
"And for you, Connery, one of everything." A giant leaning tower of various sweet treats was set in front of me.
Hm... Well, I wasn't able to eat breakfast yet. CHOW TIME.
"Wow! I've never seen a tree eat so much food so quickly. Well, I mean, I've never seen a tree eat anything at all, but you ate all of that so quickly!" Derpy ecstatically praised me as we walk outside, finished with our food.
"Pfft, says the mare that ordered two dozen muffins, and engulfed them all in seven minutes." I replied, my mask now a ":T"
Derpy giggled for a bit. As she looked at the sky, she seemed less excited. "My break is almost over. I have to go soon." She turned to face me. "Hey, it's been fun hanging around with you Mr. HappyTree-"
"Please, call me Connery. Mr. HappyTree was my grandpa's name."
"Ok then Connery. It's been really fun hanging out with you this morning. Thanks for cheering me up. I feel a lot better now."
"Ah, it was my pleasure Derpy. Always happy to put a smile on someone's face."
"Do you think we can play together again soon? I can introduce you to Dinky!"
"Of course! I'm a tree! I'm great with kids!"
"Yay! This is going to be so much fun!" Derpy jumped up and down, excited that she'd met a new friend.
As she flew into the air, she said "Bye Connery! See you soon!"
"I'll see you later Derpy! You have a nice day!" But before she could leave, I stopped her for a moment. "Hey, wait a moment, I have to tell you something. If you ever have any trouble, or need any help at all, tell me. I know a guy that can help you out. Whether it's your job, or because some jerks are bullying you, just say the word. Ok?"
"Ok! Thanks Connery!" and with that, she left... Well, she crashed into a chimney, THEN she left.
I stood there for a moment, as still as a tree, plenty of things on my mind. Most of which, were relevant to the subject at hand.
She deserves better.
What can I do to help?
Why in god's name does she remind me of Alice so much?
... Or they're called parallel dimensions, I don't know, fuck you.
"~Doo doo do, making a sandwich, making a sandwich, who want's a sandwich, well I do too!~"
That was me singing the song "Making A Sandwich" as I work on making my lunch.
Two guesses for what I'm making.
...
That's right! Fried chicken!
"~Lalala, fooled you suckers, I'm making fried chicken!~"
Song copyrighted by "Bands Of The Lying About Sandwiches, Fried Chicken is Awesome." Douche-bags at heart, but shamelessly catchy as fuck.
"Ah! Now that I am done making this delicious piece of chicken, I will now eat it in peace, with absolutely no distractions whatsoever! Yep! None at all!" After I said this to myself, I began to almost eat the fried chicken.
Until-
*ZAP* *POW* *ZING* *THUNDER AND SHIT*
Someone had appeared out of nowhere!
Who was it? Why, IT WAS ME!
"Connery! I am you from 5 minutes in the future! I've come to warn you of something terrible that will happen in 2 minutes!" Future me said, armored with awesome futuristic armor and stuff. "I only have about, like, 45 seconds or so, before losing interest and getting bored, so I have to tell you quickly that someone will e-"
*ZAP* *POW* *ZING* *THUNDER AND SHIT*
"Connery! I am you from 10 seconds in the future!" Other future me said, wearing my other signature clothes, which was an evil clown suit.
"Wait, what?! How is that even possible? I never made a time machine that fast yet! I don't even remember doing this!"
"Hey, shove-off man! I have a very important message that needs to get across to prevent something bad happening!"
"But I was here first! I ALSO have an important message that I need to tell him!"
"Is it about the Clown Apocalypse?!"
"No, it's about his fr-"
"Then shut up! Listen to me, you'll soon meet this guy-"
*ZAP* *POW* *ZING* *THUNDER AND SHIT*
"Ar, matey! I be YOU from 20 years in t' PIRATE future! I've come t' warn ye o' a terrible plague!" Pirate Connery said, in a sweet-ass pirate captain hat and suit.
"... WHAT?!" Said both Clown and Future Connery.
*ZAP* *POW* *ZING* *AND SHIT*
"Yo dawg! I'm ya' fum 20 years in de past in de JIBE future! Right on!" Ugh, I don't like this one.
*ZAP* *ZING* *AND SHIT*
"..." Future Ninja Connery from 7 years in the Ninja future said.
*ZING* *AND SHIT*
"Hear me mortals! For I am from ze GREAT future of ze Dracula future, vhere everyvun is Dracula!" Dracula costume. Go figure."
"Yeah, screw this shit, I'm out. Enjoy your chicken." Future Connery said, flashing back to his own timeline.
*ZING* *SHIT*
"I am you from the robot future, where everyone speaks in stereotypical monotone, and shun the ones who have personalities. Beep boop." Heh, looks like one of my minion-bots.
*SHIT*
"...braaaaiinnnss..." Ew, rotting flesh. Wonder where he came from?
*SHIT*
"Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Came from newspaper future! 5 cents each!"
*SHIT*
"I am Connery NotEvilGuy, PONIFIED BIIATCHES! Sent to the land of humans, which are guarded by the Elements of Badassery!"
... NO.
*SHIT*
"Hi! I'm Bob from accounting!" KILL WITH FIRE.
*SHIT*
"Alice! I'm you from the- oh wait a minute, this isn't my past. Oh, hi Connery!"
*SHIT*
"Uh, dis suit is, uh, officially Giorgio Armani, my dads know him- FUCK YOU... I AAAIIIIIIN'T Havin dat shiet!"
"Jesus, is anyone even trying to make any sense on this anymore?"
*SHIT*
*Typing noises* ... "Uh... Why am I in my fanfic?"
...
Anymore? ... Room filled with plenty of me already, still got some room... No? Well then-
*DUBSTEP*
"Phew, ok, I- WOAH." This me was surprised when he looked around and noticed all the me's in the room. Dressed like as if he was from the Matrix, and carried a stop-sign. "Ok, this is definitely the one I'm looking for. Hi! I'm Aeroe Conner, Multiverse Time-Traveling Hero of the Multiverse. My dubstep stop-sign told me that there was a disturbance in this region of the universe. You're all causing a paradoxic attack on this universe right now, and I'm going to have to force you all out, and back in your respective universe. Sorry, and good night!"
*WUB WUB DUBBA DUB*
...
...
...
"Well, I didn't even participate in any of that. I don't even know what the fuck just happen."
...
Welp! Back to eating my fried chick- *GASP* MY FRIED CHICKEN! IT'S GONE!
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Who could have done such a thing?! How will I ever get it back!
Wait! I got it! I'll just invent a time machine! Go back and warn myself of all of this!
"QUICKLY! I must find and armor myself with tons of cool futuristic armor and stuff, and build a time machine in the next 5 minutes!"
THE END
Don't ask why, just enjoy it and wait patiently for the next chapter. Good night.
For extra comedic effect, read the following narration in the voice of Johnny Erain.
Enjoy.
And so, we once again join our main characters as they set off their next act of evil! Connery has gotten the marvelous idea of building a coffee shop, because coffee and shit! We watch as our hard working minion-bots prepare to commence the next part of the plan! Connery, that ruggedly handsome, awesomely evil, lean, mean, fighting machine of pure doom and justice, and is also awesome, did I mention that he was amazing? Because he sure fucking is! Watch, as he and his robots brilliantly walk all the way to their objective, and-
"Ok, I'm confused. Who the hell is the new guy?" The loyal and perfectly built guard-bot asked his brilliantly awesome leader!
"Who, the narrator-bot? You know, I found him in the attic back at the base. He was just kinda lying there, gathering dust. So I thought it might be a good idea to let him in on a few jobs." The amazingly bodacious manly emperor replied with all the grace and glory of ... uhm... grace and glory of... uh... HE'S FUCKING AWESOME.
"Can you please tell him to be quiet? He's kinda annoying." The big asshole medic-bot, who I am sure is a virgin, whined to his awesome leader. Because medic-bots are always like that shit. Them and their whiny blue-ass punky attitude. You know that I was in bed with your mother last night? Yeah, she took it hard last night. I bolted in her hard-drive if YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
"First of all, we don't have mothers. Second of all, Connery make him stop narrating!" The whiny blue-ass bitch continued to complain about the awesome voice of the innocent narrator-bot.
Fortunately, Connery, the awesomely super cool and handsome emperor would NEVER think about listening to the whiny bitch medic-bot, and continue to let him narrate the rest of the story permanently, because he's so cool and great, and he's like, the most amazing person ever-
"Yeah, nope. Now I remember why I left you in the attic."
*Beep*
FUCK YOU AND YOUr laaaammee-aasssssss jooookeess...
Episode 5 Part 2: First Henchpony has joined the party! = YES
*Bzzt*"Redbird, is the target in sight? Over."*Bzzt*
...
*Bzzt*"Negative treebark. No sign of target. Over"*Bzzt*
*Bzzt*"Bluebird, do you see the target? Over."*Bzzt*
...
*Bzzt*"Negative. The muffin is nowhere in sight. Over."*Bzzt*
*Bzzt*"God dammit, how is it so hard to find her? This should be her regular working hours! Over."*Bzzt*
"Oh well, y'know, we could widen our surveillance on the area if we weren't all HIDING IN THE SAME SPOT!" My medic-bot said behind me. He was next to my guard-bot who was also behind me, and I was in my tree disguise.
...
*Bzzt*"Pfft, I have no idea what you're talking about... Over."*Bzzt*
*Bzzt*"Wait guys, I see her! The muffin is out of the oven! I repeat, the muffin is out of the oven! Over!*Bzzt* My guard-bot pointed at the flying... eh, somewhat-flying-while-also-kinda-curving-and-crashing-into-shit mailmare.
*Bzzt*"Perfect! Ok guys, get into positions! Over!"*Bzzt*
"What was even the point of walky-talkies?" My blue robot whispered, as he and my guard-bot jumped into a bush a couple feet away.
As we were preparing to begin the next step of the plan, Derpy was flying to her destination, trying her best to dodge as many obstacles in her way.
*Ahem* Keyword: Trying.
Jesus, if only you could see the mess she left behind. That guy over there got his leg broken.
"My leg!"
See?
Here I was, waving my branches around like a mad-tree, trying to gain her attention. "Hey! Derpy! Down here!"
When she finally noticed me, she steered her flight over towards me. Er... somewhat.
"N-no no, over here Derpy. No, not there, over here! A little to your left. Ok that's too much left. No, stop going left, stop it. STOP GOING LEFT. S-stop, I-I- I'M OVER HERE!"
"What do you plan on doing?" I hear you ask... Or, you're just probably waiting for me to quip something hilarious. Either one.
Well, it's about time I do something terribly evil today. I'm going to make an innocent mail-mare sign a contract with the devil. MUHAHAHAHA- I'm referring to me, by the way. I'm going to be the devil. In case you're wondering. Get it? Deal with the devil? Y'know, cause it's- Yeah, yep, I'm sure you got it.
"Good morning, Connery!" Derpy greeted me when she finally landed in my general direction... -ish.
Hopping over to where she landed, I greeted her back, "Hey Derpy, good morning, how ya doing?"
"Oh, same old same old. Did you need anything?"
"Yes, actually. Do you mind if I kidnap you against your will?"
...
"Wait, wha-"
*Pew*
*Snoring noises.*
I tuck my stun-gun back in my coat.
Yeah, I'm probably going to be doing that way more often than I should.
My minion-bots carried her unconscious body back to our lair, so that I may commence the next phase of the plan.
Whistling a happy tune, I walked to the interrogation room with muffins and milk both in hand. Reaching the room, I paused for a moment to let the door slide open before entering. On the other side of the table was Derpy, still asleep.
Setting the treats on the table, I took my seat and intertwined my fingers in patience.
...
I'm bored now.
*Airhorn.*
"AAAH"
That's better.
"Who? What?! Where am I?! What's going on?!" They drowsy mailmare stammered awake.
"Welcome Derpy, to my secret evil lair." I greeted her.
"Huh? C-Connery? Is that you?" Derpy wiped her eyes, still trying to get her bearings.
"Yep. Hi. How you doing?"
"Uh. I- What's going on?"
"Well, Derpy, it's kinda a long story. See, this all first started when I was born. I was a silent kid, always doing my own thing..."
Some time later.
"...Which then the Zombie Nazi Pirates began their uprising in the great year of 1997. General President Ninja Octopus Man Person John was not very happy. So he sent his best men, Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee to get Dracula back from the moon..."
I don't know what I'm doing.
"'And so, let there be light! And also more guns and shit. Also, I'm going to burn Justin Beaver, you're welcome.' Said the great banana god in the sky, as all of the gorilla people danced and worshiped him. It was too bad that they were oblivious to the giant mecha-robot head of Nazi Zombie Pirate Hitler that was about to crash onto earth..."
This is just filler. I seriously have no idea what I'm doing.
"Then Captain Duck, my nemesis, who was a duck with a cape, used my own accidental drunk invention against me, sent me to this alien world of ponies and magic. So that's how I got here!" I concluded my short history recap.
I looked up to see the mailmare sleeping like a baby, snoring cutely.
... Dammit.
*Airhorn.*
"AAAH"
"The point is, Derpy, that I am here to give you your GREATEST desires!" I dramatically waved my hands around. "Anything you have ever dreamed of wanting, all of your wishes coming true!"
"...What?"
I sighed, "I can tell that you're confused. Mostly disoriented, drowsy, and sleepy, but confused. You must be hungry." I pushed the muffins and milk towards her. "Here, eat. It's blueberries, your favorites."
I was somewhat expecting Derpy to be suspicious, hesitantly picking up the muffins before taking a bite.
*Gasp* "MUFFINS!"
But nope. She immediately went OMNOMNOMNOMN on those muffins.
Jesus, she really likes muffins.
"I'll explain, Derpy. My real and full name is Evil Lord Emperor Connery NotEvilGuy. I am an evil emperor of an evil empire. You with me so far?"
"*Nom Nom* Phoo thon'th feem fo bath." She told me as she continued to garble the muffins.
"I'll take that as a yes. Anyway, you have somehow gained this evil emperor's attention. Which is a good thing, because I'm going to offer you a wonderful, beautiful deal that will seem too good to be true! ... BUT."
...
Any moment now.
"I said, BUT..."
"*Omn nom nom, Gulp* ... But what?"
"Sorry, is my body on fire?"
"What? No."
"Dammit, seriously?" I looked up at the hidden camera, "Come on guys! We rehearsed this! When I begin to tell the drawbacks of the deal, you set me on fire to make me more evil and intimidating!"
*KZZT*"Sorry boss, but for some reason, the special effects aren't working."
"Look, just give me the controller!"
"No, I got it."
"Give me the controller!"
"Wait, stop it! I know what I'm doing!"
"You got the circuits all wrong!"
"God damn it, give back the controller, you'll mess it up!"
*Crash*
"... Whoops."
"We kinda have a slight problem. Anyway, you're gonna have to wing it while we fix it. I swear to god, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS ARE PIECES OF SHITS!""*KZZT*
...
"Well, that was a thing. Anyway, yeah. There's two small catches. But they are really, really small, and it shouldn't affect your life too much. So, interested?"
Derpy swallowed another muffin before asking, "Wait, I still don't get it. What are you selling again?"
"Oh Derpy, you derp. I'm not here to sell you anything. I'm here to fulfill!" I walked over to her, put my arm around her shoulder and pointed to a random direction dramatically. "Imagine yourself and your two daughters. You've just lost your jobs, and now you can't make ends meet. Your food, gone. Your water, all dried up. The roof over your head, demolished. Nowhere to go, nowhere to survive. Can't pay for their education, can't pay for their warmth, can't pay for their hunger and thirst. Living out in the street with nothing on their backs. Isn't that a scary image?" She nodded, quivering at the thought. "Now, this is where I come in."
Quickly sliding across the room, I ducked down behind the table and setup a mini-stage on it.
Clearing my throat, I pulled a piece of string that pulled up a cardboard sign that said "Wishes Come True!" in crayola crayons. I held up one pony doll that looked exactly like Derpy, and a sock puppet with an evil mustache and eyebrows.
Derpy and Connery EvilSockpuppet were walking along Puppet Street, when suddenly, bad guys!
"Well you see little Derpy, if you're ever surrounded by jerks, behind your every flank, All you have to do is scream for help and my robots will charge in like tanks!"
Mini-minion-bot action figures to the rescue, kicking all the baddies off the stage!
"You got some powers in your hooves now! My minion-bots are at your beck and call! They'll do whatever to make you smile, just ask and they'll do it all!"
The minion-bot action figures proceeded to carry Doll Derpy around in her mini-throne.
"Whoa!"
At the same time, Derpy had realized that she was also sitting on a small Derpy-colored throne, being carried by my minion-bots.
"And we'll go, 'Lieutenant Derpy, Ma'am, what will your orders be?' We'll take care of you and your family!"
"You ain't never had a friend like me!" Connery EvilSockPuppet said to her face.
We were already out of the room, in the hallway, being carried by my minion-bots.
"You say that your life is hard? Well we'll be the remedy! So just sit back and enjoy the ride, 'cause you ain't never had a friend like me!"
A few minion-bots that were carrying Derpy ran to the other hallway as I was taken somewhere else.
Setting her mini-throne down, it slid across the floor as my minion-bots slid after her, while simultaneously prepping her as if she was in a salon.
"Oh yes, we were built up to perfection. Satisfaction guaranteed!"
"Want a mani?" "Or a pedi?" "A facial massage?" "Everything you've ever dreamed!"
Carrying her back up, they ran to the dinner theater and set her down at a table near the stage. It was filled with the sweetest, tastiest food ever made!
"Try one of everything from our finest cuisine!"
"You'll get all this and so much more! 'Cause you ain't never had a friend like me!"
The curtains rose, as I jumped out onto the stage, in a fancy tap-dancing suit, with cane included. Behind me were my backup dancers, one in a giant Derpy costume, and the other in a Connery EvilSockPuppet costume. I tap-danced my heart out, like a whirlwind who likes to tap dance a lot! Derpy was applauding, giggling at our antics.
"Do your friends do this?" Said a robot who spun his body parts around like a tornado.
"Can your friends make that?" Said another robot, pointing at the flying helicopter chair above us.
"Could your friends pull this..." I pulled a giant missile out of my ass. "Out of their little aas-.... um, back-pockeeeeet?!"
I lit the missile-
"Can your friends go BOOM?!"
The missile went up and exploded to make thousands of amazing fireworks!
"Well looky here!"
My minion-bots carried her away to another part of the stage.
"Can your friends go clinkety-clank, bangity bang, and MAKE AN EMPIRE OUT OF THIN AIR?!"
A big set of stairs materialized, with minion-bots in bow-ties on the side, kicking their legs up, show-girl style, to the song.
"So, don't you just sit there buggy-eyed, I'm here to answer all of your midday prayers! You got me bonafide, certified! You got an emperor for your chare d'affairs! I got a powerful urge to help you out. So whatcha want? I really wanna know! Just sign this contract, and you'll be set! We're all raring to gooo-OOOH!"
All of my minion-bots sung simultaneously.
"Lieutenant Derpy, ma'am, what will your orders be? It's us you own!-"
"You adorable pone!" I booped her nose.
Dancing my way up the stairs, I continued singing all the way to the top.
"You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend, You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend, You ain't never! HAD A FRIEND LIIIIKE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Fireworks and lightning and doves shot out of everywhere! Boom, rainbow! Pow, more magical light effects! Everything flashy was unleashed for her eyes, as we all kicked our feet into the air!
"You ain't never had a friend like me!"
Everything was silent.
We were all still posing from our finale, waiting patiently.
....
"That was amazing!" Derpy applauded, stomping her hooves on the ground.
Welp, that was our cue to rest. Another job well done. Everyone was murmuring their congratulations, and cleaning up the area, as I quickly stepped down the stairs and sat across from Derpy at her table.
"Are you entertained? There will be plenty of that in the future! All you have to do, is sign this little piece of contract paper here." I pulled out the contract and a pen and set them on the table, waiting for her to sign it.
Surprisingly enough, she didn't sign it right away. "Wait..."
"Hm? Something you're not satisfied about?"
"No, it's not that! I mean, don't get me wrong, this is all so cool, and everything! But, it sort of seems too good to be true... What do I have to do to pay?"
"Hm.... Well, I guess I should tell you the catch of all this..." I started out ominously enough, that it made her ears flop down. "The catch is.... You quit your job, work for me for 30 bits an hour, and we turn your old house into a coffee shop, while also adding tons of new improvements to it, such as a Jacuzzi, a giant playroom with toys the size of Godzilla, an arcade room, a spa, I also need to replace your bed with a bigger, more comfier version. Also, I may need you as a chef so that you can make some muffins for us to sell in the coffee shop, and all the money goes to you, of course. But that's about it."
An awkward silence fell between us.
"T-that's it?" She stuttered, as if not believing a word I just said.
"That's it."
"B-but, 30 bits an hour? That's... about 20,000 a month! I earn about 4 to 5 bits an hour with my mailmare job! And... you'll be rebuilding my house to be bigger and better?"
"Yep."
...
"Are you sure you're evil?"
"Ha! Now why would I lie about that? I'm as evil as evil can be! May the gods set fire to me if I'm otherwise."
*Fwoosh*
"Hey boss! I fixed the special effects controller!"
...
"That was just bad timing."
Derpy signed the contract after that, and I got myself a new henchman!
*HENCHMAN GET*
NEXT TIME ON THIS SHIT.
The Mane Six comes to investigate the new evil Coffee Shop!
.... that's about all I had planned.
Fuck, I need something for next chapter... uh....
Oh yeah, something something enemy of the past comes back to haunt Connery.
"Quack"
..... Fuck, I need more ideas...
...
Anyone wanna see "Captain Duck: The Origins"?
13 - Derpy's New Job (Seriously, Screw Writer's Block)
Deep in the darkest realm of Tartarus, the clashing of swords could be heard. Throughout the underworld lay the many fallen bodies of demons and dark spirits. A battle takes place, between evil and slightly less evil but still sort of evil.
Atop a pillar in the sea of lava, stood the two battling swordsmen. With each strike of their swords, sparks fly. Both fight with tremendous grace and elegance. Just demon, and weird bald monkey thing.
Both had proven to be equally skilled in their attacks and defenses. When one aims at the heart, the other deflects and counters, which he then blocks. Both covered in sweat from the long battle, determined to keep fighting, and never giving up.
But the monkey's tired, he's being pushed further to the ledge of the pillar, as the violent waves of the lava sea rumble in hunger for his death.
To his unfortunate luck, he loses his balance and trips, half of his body leering over the edge, his skin nearly burning from being so close to the lava. The demon tries to swing his finishing move, but the monkey blocks it with all of his might, while doing his best to not push himself off the pillar and into a fiery death.
"You." The demon stops, to fulfill his curiosity. "I was mistaken to think of you as some mere powerless mortal. You have defeated my armies, and my best warriors. You even matched me in a sword battle. I have never been so exhilarated in all of my thousands of years in the underworld. But I'll admit, as much of the thrill of a challenge you are, you were still an unexpected distraction from my plans of taking the souls of the world above." He stares into the eyes of his rival. "Tell me mortal- no, I consider you an equal... Emperor Connery! Tell me emperor, what is it that motivates you so? What is it that can make you stare down hordes of demons and spirits and not flinch? How do you laugh at the face of death so easily? What sort of reason do you have that it would drive you to such lengths, just to stop me?"
...
"I."
The monkey grabs the demon's sword.
"WAS."
He set his foot underneath the demon's chest.
"BOOOOOOREEEEED!"
He kicks the demon off of him, with enough force to fling him over the monkey head, and into the fiery pits of the hellish lava it once came from.
The demon whispers his last words before being engulfed by the flames of the sea. "Such magnificence."
The shrill screams of the demonic being course throughout the entire realm as he reaches out his arm in vain, before it slowly sinks into the lava...
The monkey stands and watches for a moment, gazing into the sea of lava. Silent, emotionless.
...and then...
"Well, that was fun! So, we cool?" He crouchs down to ask.
"Heh, yeah, we cool." A thumbs up rises from out of the lava.
The minion-bot in the central command room was sleeping soundly until he was startled by a large pentagram burned into the middle of the room and a demonic portal appearing. He calmed down when he realized that it was his boss coming back from another adventure.
Walking through the portal was a sweaty, slightly burnt, Connery NotEvilGuy.
"So, where did you go this time? Hell?" The minion-bot chuckled.
"Eh. It wasn't as scary as people described it." Connery said in a bored tone, before walking off to get cleaned up.
"Right, right." The minion-bot said dismissively, going back to his nap.
It was a normal day in Ponyville, even though it wasn't.
Everypony in town was going through their daily morning activities. Walking about in town center, buying food from merchants, or just talking to their neighbors.
"WOO HOO!" A sudden cheer from above gained thier attention.
The ponies looked up to see a grey blur in the sky, leaving behind a trail of smoke clouds that dissipated a second later.
"This is amazing!" The grey blur cheered, flying loops through the air.
Those that wondered who the pony flying up there was, were surprised when they recognized the voice and the grey fur.
"Dear Celestia, is that Derpy?" "What? That's her? No way it can be." "Well I'll be darned. She's actually flying."
They watched in awe as the town's ditz flew with amazing precision and speed. Like some sort of aerial ballerina in the sky, who also happened to be on fire, and the only source of water was full of gasoline, and she's just screaming and hollering. Except with elegance and laughter. This metaphor seems to have trailed off.
As Derpy rocketed past, above the crowd, fliers dropped from her bag and onto the citizens.
Some of the townponies grabbed the fliers and decided to read out loud in a monotone voice.
"Special new coffee shop, grand opening today. Come to the 'Evil Coffee Shop' and invite your friends, your family, your family's friends, your friend's friends, your family's family, that last one didn't make sense actually, wouldn't they still count as your family? Anyway, come buy our special coffee, brewed by your local evil robots, created by the magnificent evil alien hiding behind that bush outside your house, watching and eavesdropping you on guys right this second."
"OH SHIT." A bush suddenly grew a pair of legs and ran off.
...
"We promise that our coffees are guaranteed for satisfaction, and are most definitely spiked with mind control juice to control your mind, to use you to take over the world. We definitely have that. Yep. But today, we will be having a special sale to celebrate our grand opening, and to welcome our newest employee, Derpy Hooves.
So... you know... Just... Come over here for coffee. Do it."
It was then, suddenly, everyone who read the fliers had the urge to go visit this new coffee shop.
"After reading this flier, I suddenly have this urge to go visit this new coffee shop."
And then they all went to the new coffee shop.
Hours earlier.
"Gah, friggin A... The heck is it?!" The evil emperor grunted, searching for a specific item in his inventions-inventory-gadget room thing.
After the successful attempt of recruiting Derpy to join the evil side, and also putting out the fire special effects (which he realized weren't special effects at all, it was real fire), Derpy was told to immediately start working on her new job as Lieutenant/MailPony/Chef/Henchman.
"Come on! I saw it in here 2 chapters ago! ... 3, if you counted the side-story... Cheesy Chrips!" Derpy's new boss muttered in frustration.
Derpy had no idea what she was doing here, or what Connery was planning to make her do. He said that he had a special assignment in mind, just for her, and that she was gonna need some special equipment for it. As she was carrying the familiar weight of a bag filled with papers, she guessed that it might involve mailing. But Derpy could only wonder what this equipment must be, and how it could help, as she stared in awe at all of the alien technology.
'Oh yeah, that's right.' Derpy thought to herself, as realization finally kicked in.
Her new boss was an alien.
She was just hired by an alien, that also claims to be an evil emperor.
He was also a tree.
...
Derpy's life was weird.
"THERE YOU ARE, YOU CRAFTY MOTHER OF DUCKS." He shouted, "You thought you could have escaped my sight, eh? YOU THOUGHT WRONG." Connery pulled a pair of alien shoes from... somewhere. He walked over to Derpy, "Here, try these thingamajigs on."
As he was putting the shoes on her hind legs, she asked, "What are these?"
"Something that can make you fly better. You said something about being unable to fly because you couldn't concentrate on both your sight and wings at the same time, right?" Connery tied the shoe-laces, although it still didn't seem like it would fit. "Well, if you were to only focus on the 'sight' part, and not have to worry about the 'flapping your wings' part, you'd probably be one of the best darn fliers out there."
When Connery finished tying her shoes, Derpy looked at them curiously, and asked, "But, how would I fly if I didn't focus on my wings too?"
"... Eugh, those shoes do not look good on you. I'm gonna have to make another pair that'll match your hair or something..." He grimaced. "Anyway, to answer your question, all I have to do is press this button here-"
*Beep*
"AH-"
*Crash*
Then Derpy crashed through a wall, and rocketed away into the sky.
"... Ooh... Maybe I should have warned her first..." Connery said, looking up at the Derpy shaped hole in the wall.
So, this was what was going through her head during the whole flight.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
CHIMNEY!
She dodged it.
OH CELESTIA, MERCHANT CART!
She dodged it.
GAH! TREES!
She dodged them.
AH! RANDOM FLIGHT TRAINING, CLOUD OBSTACLE COURSE!
Ah, such a lovely and busy day. I kidnapped a mailmare in the morning, convinced her to join the dark side, rebuilt her house as my new coffee shop/luxury playground, and now me and my minion-bots are selling coffee. I looked over the cash register, to see how things were going. I saw an old guy, with his eyes barely open, ordering from my minion-bot.
"I want a chocolate sprinkled, cream filled, vanilla cake."
"Sir. For the last time, we do not sell cake! If you want cake, it'd be a better choice to go to Sugar-cube Corner!"
"But why don't you guys sell cake?"
"We're an Evil Coffee Shop. We are not a cake shop. If you want, we can probably make you some 'Doomnuts,' which are doughnuts that come in any flavor you want! How does that sound?"
"Eeehh, cake is more filling than doughnuts. What happened to that cute pink mare that usually works the cash register?"
"... She works at Sugar-cube Corner. The one across the street? The shop that's been here for the past couple of years, before this place was built?!
"Uh... so, if you don't have vanilla, do you have strawberry cake?"
"..." The minion-bot gave a deadpanned look over to me, that just said, "I was created for this sole purpose? You bastard," before sighing and getting back to work.
"It's like we never even left Cluetopia." I chuckled.
Old people are awesome, with them and their senile behavior. I'm going to hell for laughing at a disability, though.
I looked around and saw a good amount of ponies chatting up, drinking coffee, eating food, and having a good time.
"Heheh, can you believe the names of these foods?" Said an unimportant background character, holding a menu and reading it. "Evil Latte? Mwuhaha Mocha? Corrupto Cappuccino? Espressonator? Malicious Frappuccino? Dastardly Hay-burgers? Doomnuts? It's so weird!"
"Yes, I know. You didn't have to say all of them out loud. I can read too." Said unimportant background character's best friend.
I was so glad that all these ponies cared for Derpy enough to visit this place and try out the coffee, on their own free will, with no evil hypnotic fliers to manipulate their choices. At all. None. (I lied.)
Oh, I can't wait to see the look on her and her daughter's faces when they all get home and see this! Especially Dinky. Oh, Dinky, that adorable little diabeetus inducing, adorably adorable, diabeetus pony. Oh, I remembered a few days ago, when we first met.
"Connery, this is Dinky. Dinky, this is Connery HappyTreeGuy!" Derpy introduced us.
The little pinkish pony squeaked excitingly, "You're a tree?!"
I only stared at her for 10 long seconds before exclaiming, "You are an adorable little diabeetus inducing, adorably adorable, diabeetus pony. I love you, and you will now be my special hat pony forever." I immediately picked her up and put her on my head, as she giggled happily.
And thus a beautiful friendship was born.
*PiPiPiPiPi*
Taking out my walky-talky, I pressed the button and responded. "Hallo! Ist es über den Mangel an Zuckerguss? Wenn dem so ist, bin ich nicht der Schuldige."*Bzzt*
*Bzzt*"I- Um... What?"*Bzzt*
*Bzzt*"I said hello!"*Bzzt*
*Bzzt*"...Right. Anyway sir, the lieutenant's daughters have arrived. What are your commands?"*Bzzt*
Speak of the devil.
*Bzzt*"Send them to the guest room! I'll be there to give the tour around their new coffee-mansion-home thing once their mom comes home."*Bzzt*
*Bzzt*"Of course, sir. On an unrelated note, the minion-bots from the kitchen have reported that our supply of frosting has somehow gone missing. What do you-"
*Bzzt*"NopeIknownothingbyebye"*Bzzt*
I hastily threw the walky-talky out a nearby window, which made a cat screech for some reason.
Welp, time to wait for Derpy to come back.
"ACHOO!" I sneezed.
Ugh. That was a strange and random sneeze. I hope it's only a normal sneeze, caused by allergies, and not a sign that I'm about to be in a serious flu from being in an alien universe for so long.
Because that would suck.
Twilight Sparkle, town librarian, Princess's pupil, wielder of the Element of Magic, bookworm, closet-fan of Karma Sutra- Actually that last one is a complete invasion of her privacy, and I am so sorry for that. Please forget that last part.
Any-doodle, Twilight was out in the merchant street, buying things to prepare herself for some overnight camping out in the Everfree Forest, in order to spy on and gain information about the new alien that had arrived to her world. Because, you know, fuck privacy, amirite?
As Twilight was looking around for animal-catching gear to kidnap some robots if the situation called for it, she noticed that there were ponies gasping in awe at the sky. She heard a few mentioning Derpy, the mailmare. Curious of what got their attention, she looked up as well, and saw a grey blur, dashing across the sky, leaving behind a trail of smoke. "What the..." She asked herself.
As the grey blur zoomed above her, a piece of paper landed on her face. Using her horn to levitate it off, she saw that it was actually a flier for some new coffee shop. But before she would dismiss it, she realized that this new coffee shop had a strange title. "Evil Coffee Shop" it called itself.
Then after reading more of the flier, she realized that this coffee shop was owned by the aliens! They said something about Derpy being their new employee, and that they've rebuilt her home into the coffee shop in question.
This alluring and sexy piece of paper had somehow convinced her to check out this new coffee shop, and that those aliens had probably kidnapped Derpy! Which he did, but, she didn't mind, so, yeah.
"I have to tell the others." She said to herself, putting the flier in her mouth and galloping back to the library.
Hm... I wonder how Derpy would have gotten along in life, had I not been here?
Whenever I look at Derpy, I see this sad person, who was living the wrong life, at the wrong time. A hard-working person that didn't deserve the stress and pain of life. She was the type of person that didn't deserve to go on, day by day, trying to survive another sad and stressful day. To look up and just hope for a better tomorrow, but realizing that it might not ever come, no matter how long you wait. If this continued for another few years, I wouldn't be surprised if she just suddenly gave up...
If you were to live in such a life, you would have grown up to be cold and cynical. Yet, Derpy had been doing this for who knows how long, and she's ever the optimist. She's strong willed, that girl.
Sort of reminded me of how I met and helped Alice with her life. Hm... Been thinking about her alot, lately...
"ACHOO!"
Oh god, second sneeze definitely signified bad stuff happening. Never in my life as an evil emperor, have I gotten 2 random sneezes and NOT gotten fucked by it.
Speaking of Derpy, I saw a grey blur out the window, getting slightly closer.
Going outside, I waited for a moment for Derpy to arrive, as she skillfully hovered and landed in front of me. I held up a number 10 sign for her, before throwing it away. "Heya Derpy! How are you liking the equipment I gave you?"
"It's great! I don't have to worry about trying to concentrate on flapping my wings! I've never been able to fly like this in all of my life!" Derpy was practically gushing over the shoes. "These are the best things I've ever had!"
"Glad to hear that. Come walk with me, and tell me about your day." I told her, walking into her house/mansion/coffeeshop/thing.
"Alright. Well, I told everyone from my old workplace about my new job!"
"Oh? How did they take the news?"
"AAARRRRRIBBAA!"
"FIESTA PARTY TO CONGRATULATE DERPY'S NEW JOB!"
"CONGA LINE!"
"I SAVED SOME CONFETTI FOR JUST THIS SPECIFIC OCCASION! WOOHOOHOOHOO!"
"I'VE INSTALLED A DISCO-BALL FOR JUST THIS SPECIFIC OCCASION!"
"DERPY GET'S A NEW JOB! ALL IS WELL TODAY!"
"They took it well, considering."
"That's good."
ACHOO!
... Fuck.
And that's the end of that.
Next time, on But I AM Evil!
Out there, in the house of an animal care-taker, a loud boom was heard. There was a blinding light, strong gusts of wind, and a really really big blue hole in the middle.
And then, as sudden as it came, it stopped.
The care-taker of the house slowly crept outside, scared out of her wits from the sudden disturbance, but her instinct to take care of her animals overpowered her fear.
As she crept closer and closer to the river, where it appeared, she asked quietly, "H-Hello?"
That was when she saw an injured duck, with a cape, laying on the shore of the river. She quickly rushed to its side, all fear subsiding, her motherly instinct taking over at full force.
"Are you ok?!" She asked it, cradling it's head over her hooves.
It opened it's eyes slowly, and it quacked out weakly. "Quack."
I wanted to do another minion-bot dancing scene, but I had no idea how to do that. So, yeah.
Can't wait for next chapter. Sorry if it was uneventful. Hope next chapter is better.
So, you want to hear a story about a duck? About how this duck became a superhero that beats the shits out of bad guys on a regular basis? About how he came to be, and how he's related to the main character, Evil Lord Emperor Connery NotEvilGuy? About his adventures trying to stop the crimes and evil of his country? YOU WANT TO HEAR A STORY ABOUT THE ALL LEGENDARY DUCK?! THE DUCK?!?!THE AMAZING SUPER LEGENDARY CHOCOLATE FUDGE ROCKY ROAD SUPER MEGALICOUS PUDDING TOP DUCK WITH HIS FUCKING BADASS CAPE OF JUSTICE AND QUACKERY?!
No? Well too bad, you're gonna read it anyway.
Long long ago, back in 2095 Cluetopia, Sector 6. Childhood Park.
It all started one day, when this super ass-kicking duck was just a little duckling, waddling around near the pond in a park, still small and powerless and non-sapient/sentient/whatever it is. The day started out mundane enough, with the birds tweeting and sun shining and seven homeless people sleeping on the benches, cold and hungry, abandoned by society and all of that jazz.
There he was, with his many duckling siblings, all waddle-waddling around their beautiful white pekin mother. She was asleep, as well as many of the other duck families in the pond.
"C'mon Miss Carol! I wanna see the pond!"
"Yes, yes, calm down Alice, we'll be there soon."
The noise from the nanny and little girl shook all the ducks awake in the pond. The sounds of honks and quacks filled the area, as the family of ducks all flew about.
"Miss Carol, the ducks are up!"
"Yes, I see that, deary. Just calm down, old age tends to weaken the knees a little."
Childhood Park. A somewhat popular park that draws people in during mornings. According to the history books, it was named "Childhood Park" after Chuck Norris reincarnated as Chuck Norris II, and he proceeded to punch the shit out of the unspecified terrorists at this exact location. The punching of terrorists was so beautiful, it had somehow formed a beautiful pond that the rare white pekin ducks now reside in, which were direct descendants of the Aflac duck. Drink-specialists complain that if he had roundhouse kicked them instead, then the pond would have been made of pure wine.
Over the years, not many people come visit the park anymore. So, since the newborn soon-to-be-ass-kicking-duck-of-justice was recently hatched, it was rare to see any giant colorful weird hairy things.
Sir McAwesomeSauce Duckling stared curiously at the two humans, as they sat on the nearby bench. The old nanny took out a bag, and proceeded to throw out some bread crumbs.
Families of ducks left the pond to feed on the delicious bread, as they shoved, pushed, and quacked their way for food. The Duckling of All Good was left behind in the pond, however, hesitant to charge into the hands of unfamiliar creatures.
Meanwhile, the little girl, whose name is Alice, and is probably maybe indeed the mysterious girl Alice from Connery's mysterious past, smiled giddily at all the cute white and baby ducks. It’s rare for her to finally have the time to visit Childhood Park and its ducks, but going to see them once again had made her happy.
Now, I COULD explain all about her home problems and the reason why she can't visit the pond often to watch her favorite animals flock about is because of her rich bitch mother who cares about money more than humanity and sees Alice as a means to get more famous and rich when she comes into age and never has time to actually play with her and be an actual mother, and she has to hire a nanny to take care of her daughter, who is more caring than her mother, also she hates anything that's not made of money, because everything is so fucking CLICHE AS ALL HELL PLOTS AND STORIES AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGH--
But since this chapter is all about The Courageous Duckling, I'll save that for part two.
Mini-Alice sighed, "I wish we could visit the pond every day."
"Oh, I know you want to dear, but you know how busy your self-centered twat-face cunt mother can be." Her nanny grunted, tossing another piece of bread onto the flock of ducks.
"... Miss Carol, what does 'twat-face cunt' mean?"
"You'll learn when you get older."
Alice just rose an eyebrow, but didn't push any further on the topic.
Alice continued to stare, and occasionally toss a piece of bread or two, at the flock of ducks, giggling at their adorable duck cuteness.
The fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking God of Almighty Ducks of Fucking Awesomeness (I was running out of names) still stared from his little pond. He was always a bit different from the other ducklings. Always standing by and observing, rather than following the flock. Always looking at things, intensely, with his little beady duck eyes. The other ducks always made fun of how weird he is, which is weird itself, because ducks don't have the intelligence to be capable of making fun of something.
This fucking universe is a mess, I swear to god, nothing makes sense. For Christ sake, we have a god damn scientist who can build robots with human emotions, then we have a god damn duck with super powers, and now we have a crazy mental asylum-escapee narrating the story for this chapter, oh god what the fuck- I'm getting off topic. Ahem.
Alice noticed Big Five F-Words Duck after a while, noticing him far away from his family and instead, being all alone in the pond. She pointed this out to her nanny, "Miss Carol, why is that little duck swimming by itself, instead of being with its friends?"
Her nanny looked towards the pond, fumbling with her glasses a bit to see better. "I'm not sure, deary. Maybe it might be scared of us?" She guessed.
"Don't you think it might also be hungry?" Alice asked, concerned.
"Oh, don't worry about that Alice. I'm sure it's already fed by its mother or something."
Although her nanny went back to feeding the ducks, Alice was still concerned about the lone baby duck. She wondered if it was lonely, since no other duck was with it. She knew what it was like to be lonely. It's not a very fun feeling.
"I'm gonna go give some bread to the ducky in the pond." She said suddenly, grabbing a loaf of bread, she sat up and walked to the pond.
"Just be careful Alice. Don't do anything too rash, or the ducks might hurt you!"
"I'll be careful!"
Alice calmly walked towards the FFFFF duck (which is short for Fucking Fucking Fu- God I need more imagination to these names), being cautious not to make any movements that might be considered aggressive. The Duck of Pure Justice Blah Blah Long Nickname Blah just continued to look curious of the girl's actions.
She crouched down, and spoke softly, "Hello little ducky. Why are you all alone?"
Duck responded, in the most elegant, intellectual, ravishingly, luxurious, inter-dimensional, kawaii, and super meat boy tone, "Quack."
Alice giggled, before she tore off a few crumbs of bread and set it between her and the duck. "Here. Do you want some bread?"
The duck stared inquisitively at the strange brownish matter that she called 'bread', silently judging it, almost as if it was mocking him. Except, you know, it's not mocking him, 'cause it's bread. Bread can't mock at ducks. Bread is bread. Silly bread.
"Don't be scared. It tastes good. Just try it?" Alice nudged the bread pieces closer to the duck.
The duck continued to stare at the bread pieces, before finally he stepped out of the pond and ate a piece. He chewed slowly, (Can ducks chew? They don't have any teeth, as far as I'm aware, unless Daffy Duck and Donald Duck showed the accurate representation of the proper anatomy of ducks), unsure of the taste, but then gradually started to enjoy it. He kept on eating all of it, until he was done.
Alice, trying to contain her giggles due to how adowable the widdle ducky is, tore out more pieces of bread-
HEY.
HEY!
FUCKING SHIT, give me a minute.
*stands up from seat and walks to window. Sees laughing children.*
YOU LITTLE SHITS! STOP THROWING THINGS AT MY WINDOW!
*Kids quickly run*
WHAT EVEN IS THIS?! Is this... is this CHICKEN SHIT AND FEATHERS?! How the hell did you get chicken shit here! I didn't even know this place had any chicken! WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY WOULD YOU THROW THIS AT ME?! I SWEAR TO GOD, IF I HAD A BB GUN AND AN IMMUNITY TO LAW, YOU FUCKERS WOULD NOT HAVE ANY EYE COORDINATION TO THROW STUFF ANYMORE!
...
BECAUSE I WOULD SHOOT YOUR EYES OUT.
BITCH.
*Walks back to computer, grumbling about spoiled brats.*
-and she offered the duck with a handful of bread.
The duck quickly went omnomnomn on all the bread in her hand. The sensation tickled her hand, which made her giggle a bit more. It was a very adorable sight. So adorable, your mother would probably record the moment and post it on Facebook, where she would type "Oh look, a girl feeding a duck! It's sooo CUUTE <3 <3" and then it would immediately get likes from your mother's friends and grandmothers. In fact, your grandmother would have died from diabetes if she saw the video. That's how freaking cute this scene is. So cute, that it just made your mother KILL your GRANDMOTHER. Feel bad.
"You're so cute!~" Alice gushed over the duck as it ate the bread from her hand. She wished she could have a pet duck. If only her mother liked ducks, then maybe she could adopt one.
Speaking of mothers, Alice heard her nanny's phone ring in the distance.
"*Beep* Yes, hello? ... Oh, hello Mrs. Bellarose, how was the business meeting? ... I see... But, Mrs. Bellarose, she hasn't visited the park in a long while, and she just got here--...... *Sigh* I understand. I'll get her home. *Beep* Self-centered twat-face cunt." Her nanny stood up and called, "Alice, deary. That was your mother on the phone. She said that you had to go home for her 'Urgent mom-daughter make up time.'"
"Is she happy or angry?" Alice asked.
"She's angry..."
"She always forces too much makeup on me whenever she's angry..." Alice groaned.
"I know Alice. I'll do my best to clean it after she's done though."
When Alice sighed and stood up to go home, the duck quacked at her. "Quack!"
Alice turned her head to the duck, "Sorry ducky. I have to go home. I hope I get to see you again though! When I'm all grown up, I'll come visit everyday! Until then, good-bye." And with that, she and her nanny left.
The duck watched as they walked farther and farther from the pond. The other ducks calmed down and went back in the pond, swimming contently, as everything was back to normal once more.
But although she was gone, it was very unlikely that the duck would ever forget who that girl was, for years and years to come.
Five minutes later, another person appeared in the park. His purple business suit, fancy hat and cane made him really stand out, as his colors clashed with the green and blue scenery.
He breathed in the fresh air, "Ahh. Childhood park. Oh, the many times my pa took me here to watch the beautiful stars reflecting off the pond in the middle of the night. I remember the time where I met and kissed my first love in this very spot, sitting on this bench. The very same spot where I proposed to her, too." He reminisced. "Such wonderful, irreplaceable memories... WELP, too bad I'm gonna tear down this park so that I can build a factory! This spot is the perfect ideal place for it, and it'll probably get me THOUSANDS in profits! I don't even care that I don't know what kind of factory I'm building! I'm the mayor! I can do anything I want! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Well, that certainly was a mood whiplash if I've ever seen one.
"Ugh, look at all of these disgusting ducks living here! How am I supposed to build a factory here with them in the way? Hmm.... Oh well, I'll just have to forcefully relocate them to somewhere else! Me doing this will somehow make me more rich than before! And if anyone tries to stop me with their 'peaceful protests' I can just call the police that violent terrorists are assaulting me, and they'll beat them up! I'm a mayor! I can do what I want! GO DEMOCRACY!"
And then everything in the world turned white...
The Cottage Near The Everfree Forest, Ponyville, Equestria
Fluttershy has been taking care of this seemingly random duck that appeared out of nowhere in front of her Cottage. She doesn't know who he is, nor where he came from. She doesn't recognize the duck, as he wasn't one of her own, but he had a cape of some sort, with the initials of CD on it. She assumed that he must have belonged to somepony, and he must have gotten lost somehow?
When she found the duck, he immediately fell unconscious. Worried, she quickly took him inside and did everything to make sure he was alright. Inspecting for scratches or cuts, making sure he was breathing correctly, and so on. She realized, however, that this duck was going to be ok, and she was relieved.
He had been sleeping for a few hours now. No signs of him waking up soon. Once he wakes up, she'll give him a nice bath, some food to eat, maybe help him try to find his owner, and everything will be ok.
Though... something felt odd. This duck was different from other ducks, as if it wasn't any normal duck. Whenever she touched his feathers, she felt an odd sensation of... unfamiliarity. Almost alien-like. He doesn't feel any different than other ducks, smooth and feathery, nice and fluffy. But her gut was telling her otherwise.
Something is different about this duck, and she can't tell how or why. He looks like any other duck. He feels like any other duck. But something is different about this duck.
"I wonder what though..." She whispers to herself.
Spoilers to the audience, it's because Captain Duck is a super-powered duck of almighty justice in another alien universe and Fluttershy's magical animal caring talent can't detect him as an animal or something. Shame on you if you still didn't get that at this point.
"Mm... quack?" The duck in question stirred awake, surprising the timid yellow pony.
"Oh my! You're awake!" She scurried over to Captain Duck.
As Captain Duck sat himself up, he quickly gathered his bearings and tried to remember what just happened.
OK, rough and paraphrased translation. "What a weird dream. Where am I? Holy crap, is that a horse? Did it just talk? What a strange predicament I am currently in. Drugs. Not even once."
"Don't be scared. My name is Fluttershy. Are you hurt?" Fluttershy asked him.
Captain Duck looked around, observing the place around him. It was odd. Fluttershy can't seem to see what he's feeling. Her talent was that she could understand any animal, but this duck seems to be a complete mystery to her.
Captain Duck looked at her. Studying her, examining details about her shape, her mane, and her eyes. She could see some sort of... intelligence, in those small black eyes of his. He was definitely not any ordinary duck.
"Quack?" he quacked.
He was absolutely adorable.
"You're different... somehow... I just know it. What are you?" Fluttershy asked the mysterious duck.
He only tilted his head in response.
Then suddenly Twilight busted open the door.
*BAM* "FLUTTERSHY!"
"EEEP!"
"NO TIME TO EXPLAIN! ALIEN KIDNAPPED DERPY AND BUILT A COFFEE SHOP AND WE'RE GOING IN TO SAVE HER- Oh hey, that's a cute duck- LET'S GO!"
*Telekinesis grab**Gallops away*
"EEEEEEEEEEP!"
...
...
...
Well that was abrupt.
"Hm... Quack?" Captain Duck asked himself, narrowing his eyes in suspicion.
Connery NotEvilGuy.......
MEANWHILE
"*ACHOO* Aaaggh." I am sick. This is me being sick. I do not like being sick. I want to take Sickness and punt its stupid little head off.
"Fuckin' god damn. I have been sick for the past two months now! The agonizing pain and stuffy nose is just pure TORTURE! And the only fucker that can cure my ass is too busy playing Fallout New Vegas, instead of writing! FUUUUUCK!"
"Uhm, sir? You've only been sick for two hours."
"DON'T QUESTION MY SANITY! I DON'T HAVE ANY TO BEGIN WITH! *cough* two fucking months of being sick, and all he did was write a single chapter about a girl feeding a duck! It took two fucking months to do that! WHAT THE FUUUUCK. *ACHOO* DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU TO HELL!"
The Super Rushed and Crappy Quality Halloween Special Extravaganza! *Warning: I'm not even trying for this chapter. I am LITERALLY typing random, incoherent crap, hoping for the best.*
"-so then he *bleep* and *bleep* her into oblivion, all the while using a *bleep*, screaming out 'YES, YES, YES.' The body of the girl was never found, and the only evidence of it happening was all of the *bleep* spilled across the walls and floors and pavement in the house....es. The End."
I closed the book, and looked up to see the faces of many horrified, jaw-slacked little fillies and colts.
One raised his hoof, "What's a twinkie?" He asked curiously.
"Something that keeps the way of life flowing."
The flying horse carriage landed with a soft thud. Princess Luna stepped out, her night and starry mane, flowing with the some-what non-existent wind.
She gave a happy, nostalgic smile, finally able to return to Ponyville to celebrate another Nightmare Night festival.
She breathed in, and prepared hew royal, and regal Fancy Royal Speak voice, with included We's and Us's. "We have returneth for another night, for the celebration of Nightmare Ni- Ow- ow- what- ow- ouch- ow- what in the world?!"
"Keep throwing candy at her, or else she'll devour us all! If she eats enough, she'll get fat and slow, and we'll be able to out-run her!" I chucked another chocolate bar at her.
"You do know, that's just a tall-tale for the foals, and she won't actually eat any of us, right?" Twilight asked me, in her Evil Scientist costume.
"Pfft, like hell I'm gonna take any chances! The whole time I've been here, every single prophecy, myth, and/or child's tale I come across, they all turned out to be real, and the next thing I know, I'm already halfway inside the mouth of Dracula!"
"I still don't believe you when you said that you met and fought Dracula that day."
"I CARRIED HIS FUCKING DECAPITATED HEAD BACK WITH ME, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!"
"Sooo... what's a pretty little thing like you, doin' in a place like this?"
"Heehee OH Heehee OH Heehee OH Heehee OH"
"Oh yeah? Sounds like a nice, quiet place. Neighbors seem friendly."
"Heehee OH Heehee OH"
"Hm, speaking of nice and quiet places... are you DTF?"
Heehee NO."
...
"Damn."
"Hey."
"Yeah?"
"You... ever wonder why we're here?"
...
"No. I don't ever wonder why we're here. Semper Fi, bitch."
"Dear Celestia..." Said random bystander.
In front of him, a bunch of trees float without their middle part of the tree.
"Floating trees everywhere!" Exclaimed random bystander. "BLAHG" He screams in sheer terror.
Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash and Connery cover their snickers away, hiding in the shadows nearby.
"So this is your... newest creation?" Luna asked, as she closely observes the MJ-bot.
"Heehee OH Heehee OH" It continues to sing and spin and grab it's non-existent crotch.
"It's so... strange, is the word, I guess?"
"Hey, you shouldn't judge it for how it acts!" I scolded.
"No-no, I didn't mean it like tha-"
"You should judge it by how it DANCES! Minion-bots, hit the music!"
Two minion-backup-dancer-bots walk up behind MJ-bot, and got in dancing positions.
"HEEHEE HEEHEE OH OH OH, OH HEEHEEHEEHEE OH,"
Walking man shuffle.
"HEEHEE OH HEE HEE OH OH, HEEHEE OH OH OH,"
Moonwalking.
"HEEHEE HEEHEE OH OH OH, HE OH OH OH OH,"
Violently grabs crotch and spins indefinitely for the rest of the song.
"WHAT IS GOING ON?!" Random bystander yelled. "Blah!" He screams, pointing at a mailbox. "Blahg!" He screams, pointing at a cat. "BLAGHAFLAGAH" He screams, pointing at a rock.
"Erm... Ok, this is starting to get really freaky. Is there something wrong with this guy?" Rainbow Dash said, uncomfortable by the stallion's strange actions.
"BLAHGAHFRAGLAHSHACKALACKAPUDDIN" Random bystander screams, sprawling his hooves all around.
"... Yeah, I think this guy is on drugs... like... heavy amounts of it. Tons of it."
"ABLAHMASFAHGAHTAGASMA- ....." Random bystander suddenly goes limp on the ground.
...
"Woah, is he... is he dead?"
"Hm... let me check..."
I walked up to the strange guy. His eyes were still wide open, pupils dilated, with his tongue outside of his mouth and on the ground. I poked him, "Hey, buddy. You ok?" No response. I glanced at Rainbow Dash, "Yeah, no, I think he's dea-"
"BLAGFLAH"
"JESUS FUCK"
Celestia sipped her tea peacefully, patiently waiting for Luna to come back from her visit to Ponyville.
As she sits by the warm fire of the main living room place thingy in the palace, she hears the doors open. She smiles, and asks, "Ah, Luna. How was your time back at Ponyville? Fun, I ho-"
"TIA, LOOK, I FOUND A NEW FRIEND!"
"Heehee OH Heehee OH Heehee OH Heehee OH"
Damn you Connery.
Crossover- Connery NotEvilGuy meets "The Worst Villain Ever!"
After long months setting up my evil empire, kidnapping criminals for more money, checking up with my heroic nemesis/buddy, and other various evil villain deeds, I decided to myself that it'd be a good idea to go on a nice relaxing vacation adventure.
Hawaii was my destination! The nice tropical air, smooth ocean waves, and relaxing scenery would be a perfect place to wreak havoc and evil upon!
I was already in my Hawaiian shirt and short-khakis, and I got the trans-dimensional-portal-gun-thingymabob set up and raring to go!
"How did you get your portal gun back? Didn't Captain Duck still have it?" I hear you ask.
Spoilers. Wait for Origins of Captain Duck Part 2 and 3.
"Five oil cans that he screws up and goes to different dimension on accident." A guard-bot whispered to a medic-bot.
"Pfft, I ain't betting against that! It's guaranteed to go wrong at this point. You'd think the boss was probably doing this on purpose or something..." The blue robot replied.
"That's cuz he is!" A passing construction-bot commented.
My other construction-bot decided to ask me, "Sir, what would you have us do while you're gone?"
"While I'm gone, I have an evil list of orders by the evil fridge that I want you all to fulfill by the time I get back. It includes various things to do in my stead, such as visiting Celestia and clogging her toilets, breaking into Blueblood's mansion and tilting every single painting inside, and occasionally setting a rich pony's expensive couch on fire." I explained as I recheck my luggage.
"Anyone in particular that you want the couch to be set on fire first?"
"You know that spoiled brat, Diamond Tiara? She was bullying Dinky again, so I want her's first." Looks like luggage is all set!
I held my portal-gun-thing up, and shot it at a wall. A person-sized hole appeared, brightly lighting up the entire base.
"Alright, done deal. Hope you have a fun trip, boss." The yellow bot waved goodbye as I marched forward, eager for adventure.
I walked into the portal, its portal-y sensation upon my skin. My body was still, and yet I felt like I was ramming up speed to 88 mph. Once the sensation was over, I took my first step onto the comfortable sand.
I couldn't see very well on where I was, since the air was smokey from the portal, but I was excited to finally visit a familiar place on Earth. You would not believe how stuffy it gets in a world filled with magical ponies and living myths.
Once the air cleared, I gave a deep breath and cheered excitedly, "Woo! Hawaii, here I-"
Author's Mutterings and Whatnot: Is... is this it? Is this finally done?! OH GOD YES!
Have you ever wondered what it was like to write a fanfiction story, and then you're writing and writing, and all of the sudden it becomes way too hard and complicated, and suddenly you're making shit up as you go along, and it seems to be going good so far, but then you hit a stump in the road and now you're speechless and you can't think of anything to progress the story, even though you were so close to doing the next important scene, and it was all just screwed up because of one little scene that you can't write for the life of you, and all that future planning went to waste because you just can't seem to connect point A to point C without that annoying fucking point B that just happens to be Writer's Block Incarnate, and it's pretty much the reason for why most people stop working on the story cause they can't seem to get past that point B and then you have to disappoint everyone who loves your story by saying, "Hey, I can't do this shit anymore because *reasons*" when in reality, you can perfectly keep writing, were it not the fact you were a lazy bastard that just can't write out point B?
Maybe? Probably.
Here is point B for me.
Now here's me forcing through point B with all of my might, just to make this story survive.
THIS STORY. WILL. NOT. DIE.
P.S. Any character resemblance of this story with any other form of media is purely intentional and are possible the same characters in an alternate universe.
Don't sue me bro.
"*Whistling a happy tune.*" Whistled the Cashier Minion-bot as he waited for the next customer.
It was a nice day, a good day. It was relatively sane enough, bar the fact that he was on an alien universe inhabited by ponies and other mythical creatures, but still, it was sane enough. Nice change of pace, everything a-okay and normal for a few hours. All he'd been doing was taking orders, doing cashier work and so on. It was rare for things to finally slow down and not be constant crazy crazy, wabbabaloo, since he doubted the mental condition of his boss was intact. It was like whenever he was around, everything just gets fucked up with no explanations whatsoever, and it's been like that for years now. Asking for explanations was pointless and suicidal, as circuit boards tended to break from overheating from the illogical mess that Connery called a proper explanation. Well, it wasn't like they could die anyway, they were robots.
You know, now that he thought about it, it wasn't always this random and crazy before. Back when the empress was still around, it was relatively calm and things actually formed some sort of sanity.
But ever since the... incident with the empress... Connery was never quite the same. He somehow lost even more marbles after she was gone. Good news was that he seemed to have gotten over it. So that's cool.
Hm, how strange that this minion-bot was suddenly thinking about thoughts of depressing exposition. Time to set the mood to a more happier tone while the crazy was still at bay.
"Wonder what's on the radio?" He asked himself, turning a little knob on his head. Only, he stopped himself before he could, realizing a little fact, "Oh right, alien planet. Probably no reception here."
Hm... Actually...
*Flick* "Welcome to Cluetopia's News Radio! With your host, Newscaster-bot X-724! In recent news; OH MY GOD, THERE WAS A BIG BOOM INSIDE THE EMPIRE'S CASTLE AND THE EMPEROR IS GONE HOLY FUCKBALLS WHERE DID HE GO IS HE DEAD OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS GOING ON AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--- *Krrtz* We appear to have some technical difficulties. Please stand by, and enjoy some relaxing music."
"..."
I... uh... okay then.
"Well, at least there's some nice relaxing music."
Not gonna let this moment be ruined by the crazy. Not gonna let this moment be ruined by the crazy. Not gonna let this moment be ruined by the-
*CRASH* "Alright you bucket of boltheads! Give us back our Derpy or else you're all gonna get scrapped!" Violent rainbow mane said.
Episode 8: Even Though it's Technically Only a Few Hours Since the Last Episode, It Feels Like a Year has passed by...
"Once I finally collect all of the Shen Gong Wu, nothing can stop me in my quest for world domination! The world will bow before the name 'Jack Spicer!' Hahahaha! Jack-bots, attack!"
"Pfft, what kind of villain names their own robots after themselves anymore? Man, they just never make cartoons like they used to."
*PiPiPi*
Aw, what now? I'm busy watching 21st century Saturday morning cartoons for cheesy inspiration.
*PiPiPiPiPi*
Nauuuuuuu, go away~.
*PiPiPiPiPiPiPi*
Stahp. I don't waaannaaa.
*PiPiPiPiPiPiPiPiPiPiPi*
Noooooooooooooooooo-
*PIPIPIPI PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE YOU PRICK PIPIPIPI*
JESUS. OKAY FINE.
*Krrtz*"Yes?"*Krrtz* I nasally grunted out of my sick throat.
*Krrtz*"Sir, our coffee shop is being attacked by ponies, who seem to be convinced that we kidnapped Derpy! What do we do?!"*Krrtz*
*Krrtz*"These guys are trying to 'rescue' Derpy?"*Krrtz*
*Krrtz*"Yeah!" *Crash* *Bang* *Grunts* *Pleads for mercy* *Ignored pleads* *Boom* "So, uh, what do you want to do? Stop them, or initiate Scenario Seven?"*Krrtz*
Le sigh... I was too tired for this shit... but, evil villain is evil, so...
*Krrtz*"Fuck it. Initiate Scenario Seven. I'll call Derpy and ask if she's good."*Krrtz*
*Krrtz*"Okay sir." "Ha! I missed one over here!" "WHY CAN'T I EVER CATCH A BREAK?!"*Krrtz*
Uuuggh, fuck, I was waaay too tired for this shit.
Blah blah blah I hear you ask me a question, blah blah blah Scenario Seven is me doing my thing, blah blah blah shut up and just read.
Meanwhile, in the super secret special underground Lieutenant Derpy Mansion of evil and awesomeness, the newly hired evil henchman/henchpony was getting a tour in her new deluxe upgraded home place, along with her two daughters.
"And in this room is the buffet area, where a team of a dozen chefs will work diligently to cook and serve anything you like, provided that you don't ask where it comes from. Even if you do ask, we couldn't answer anyway, since we have no clue where the heck they get the food and ingredients. I blame Connery for that. I swear, his back-pocket is some sort of freaking endless void of-"
And there goes the tour-guide, ranting his mechanical heart out once again.
"Where did you get the money to renovate our house into a Coffee-shop with a secret underground mansion, again?" The purple-ish pink-ish pony, who was obviously Sparkler, asked Derpy.
"I didn't! I-"
"A magical tree named Connery HappyTreeGuy gave all of this to us!" Dinky cheerfully answered.
Sparkler gave a dubious look at her little sister. "Uh-huh." She deadpanned, before turning back to her mother. "So, what really happened?"
"Ok, it was all very weird and strange. I met a tree, but then he turned out to be an alien, and then he offered me a job, so I said yes, and now we get a free mansion!" Derpy vaguely explained.
Sparkler just raised an eyebrow. "An alien... Forgive me if I feel a bit incredulous at the fact that, apparently, an alien showed up out of nowhere, and suddenly decided to give us a free mansion and... robot servants?" She glanced at the ranting robot as she said this.
"-Then there's the fact that he never goes to the toilet, which is really weird because how in the world does he get rid of his excess fluid inside his body?! I've never seen him use the toilet, ever! AND ANOTHER THING-"
"I know it's all strange and unbelievable. Heck, I'm still having some trouble believing it myself. I'm half expecting to wake up at some point, and realize that this could all just be an elaborate dream!" Derpy waved her hooves about to emphasize. "But I bet my bottom bit that this is all actually happening for real. A new higher-paying job, that also includes better housing, and free food-"
"Which was all provided by an alien." Sparkler added.
"Yeah, from an alien! It's like a dream come true!"
Sparkler sighed and tiredly rubbed her head, "I just- I don't know. This all seems too good to be true. There has to be something fishy going on here, some kind of catch... What exactly is your job?"
"Oh... Uh, well... I'm an Evil Lieutenant, a henchpony of the new Evil Lord Emperor, Connery NotEvilGuy?" Derpy answered sheepishly.
"..."
Derpy rubbed her forelegs awkwardly.
"I don't..." Sparkler shook her head tiredly.
"Yeah."
"It's probably better if I don't ask."
"Yeah..."
"ONE MORE THING-" *PiPiPiPiPi* "'Scuse me, I need to take this. *Beep* Yellow?"
*Fast paced and high-pitched gibberish.*
"Ahuh."
*Gibberish is somehow even faster.*
"Ahuh."
*More high-pitched gibberish here.*
"Yeah, no, I couldn't understand a single word you just said. All I'm hearing in my end is weird jittering noises, or something."
*WeeeeeScrakakakaPhwooshBeepbeepbeep* "~You've got to swing what you got to save your soooouul!~ Swing what you got 'fore it gets ooooold!~"
"No, now I'm just hearing music."
While this whole exchange was going on, the ponies just stared in confusion.
Sparkler rubbed her face, so very tiredly, before turning back Derpy again, "Look, I don't care, or want to know what you've just gotten us into, but as long as you don't do anything dangerous or stupid, I won't question our new..." She eyed the area, suspicion written on her face. "... luxurious living arrangements."
"I don't think you have to worry. All I have to do for my job is Lieutenant things, whatever that is, and take care of my own coffee shop! Ooh, I can make muffins as a living now!" Derpy gushed.
"Okay, Derpy, that was Connery. You're up for your first assignment as an Evil Lieutenant. It's gonna be dangerous, stupid, and won't involve anything with Lieutenant things, or the coffee shop."
Meanwhile...
Captain Duck was resting peacefully on a nice small bed, enjoying the scenery outside from the window.
This place was very lively, with lots of animals and critters moving about. Was this some sort of animal daycare center or something? Not bad, for some kind of strange alien planet.
Other than the other animals and pets occasionally bothering him- Hey, shoo, go on, go play with your friends- it had been very... calm and peaceful.
Hm. "Calm" and "peaceful." Words that he usually never associated himself with. Not because he didn't want to, but more like he had to, what with all the crime in Cluetopia, and having to stop that piece of shit, dumbass Connery every Saturday morning. There was rarely anytime for him to just sit down, relax, and just... pretend to be a normal duck.
In fact, sitting here, looking out the window, it kinda brought a bit of nostalgia. Some memories of the good old days, when he still had an owner, when he used to be a just a normal pet. Er, well, maybe not a normal pet. A normal pet didn't occasionally sneak out of the house and fight crime whenever his owner went to school. Heheh.
Some pleasant memories arose from his little duck mind. Memories of just sitting on his owner's lap, sleeping soundly as she caressed his back. Memories of her lovely and warm smile. Memories of when they first met. Those were better days...
...
Damn that Connery. Damn him for what he did to her. Damn him for betraying her.
He knew that the bastard was still alive. No matter what he did, every time Captain Duck tried to kill Connery NotEvilGuy, he would always somehow survive. No matter how many explosions or how many gunshots, that son of a bitch somehow lived. Who's to say that weird "portal gun thing" killed him? The fact that Captain Duck accidentally got sucked in after him and was still alive on an alien planet just proved his point.
One day, Captain Duck would do it though. One day, he will stop Connery. One day, he'd finally get his revenge...
Until then though, he was going to enjoy the peace and quiet here. He knew they'd see each other again. They always did.
MEANWHILE, IN THE SUPER SECRET AWESOME EVIL CAVE BASE OF EVIL
...
I have the urge to flashback.
I'mma flashback.
Long, long, but not exactly that long, ago, back in 2101 Cluetopia, Sector 6. Childhood Park Factory.
"So, this is the place?" I scratched my head as I looked up from the map I was holding.
In front of me was the gate entrance that led to Sector 6's most profitable factory. Its gigantic size towered up all the way to the clouds. Its dark and gloomy appearance making it seem very intimidating, from where I was standing.
Hi, my name's Connery NotEvilKid. Age thirteen, fifth grade student of Wilhelm Scream Middle School, aspiring evil boy genius, out to become the Evil Emperor of The World. I'm on a mission to take down Cluetopia's largest moneymakers and assets, so it'll be easier for me to take over once I'm older.
During this age, I was still new to this whole evil business, compared to my fifteen year old self. I still had a lot to learn in the ways of 'Taking over the world' and 'Frying pans.'
"I expected it to feel... a lot more nostalgic. You know, hence the name, 'Childhood?'"
"~Well, considering how you acted back when you were seven, does this place really feel that different than your childhood?~"
*Insert terrible memories of orphans being forced to sing "It's A Hard Knock Life" over and over and over and over, every single god damn morning, oh god the memories burn-*
I shivered a bit, "Touche, oh father of mine."
The hearty chuckle emitted quietly through my ear-piece, "~You should have met yourself back then. It was just downright depressing and pitiful!~"
"Yeah, yeah, I was a sad little sap back then, so anyways, back on topic!"
"~Some questions you had?~"
"This factory was built above a park, right? The locals gave it an unofficial name, 'Childhood Factory,' which was named after the park. I read in the history books about how Chuck Norris II unintentionally created the park's pond while he was punching some terrorists-"
"~Okay, let me stop you right there.~" Dad interrupted me. "~You really need to stop reading those god damn 'How Cluetopia Came To Be' bullshit. Those books are nothing but just pure mindless crap. First of all, the pond that used to be there existed LONG before Chuck Norris even reincarnated. Chuck Norris II had nothing to do with the creation of that pond. It was obviously made from the wings of the original Aflac Duck, when Chuck Norris was still alive. Hence why the pond was filled with the rare white pekin ducks, all blood-related to the original Aflac Duck. What, you think those ducks existed out of nowhere, simply because Chuck Norris?~"
"Erm... sorta?"
"~... Well, yeah, okay, I guess that would seem like something Chuck Norris could do. But he didn't, is the point! Don't believe any of those fake facts from the stupid books.~"
"Jeez, how do you know all of this?"
"~Would you believe me if I said I was there, personally, when it happened?~"
"No, not really."
"~I'll just... not say that then.~"
"Yeah, okay, I'm just gonna go now."
"~Alright, now be careful. Remember all the tips and advice I gave you.~"
"Yes yes, don't look at explosions, only acknowledge pain when it's funny, and winners don't do drugs."
"~Atta boy.~"
Turning my ear piece off and throwing it over my shoulder as it started beeping, I walked to the gate, ignoring the random explosion and cat screeches behind me.
Now, I know what you're thinking. "Isn't it a bit irresponsible for a parent to allow a child to go on such a dangerous and illegal activity?"
...
Shutup.
Opening the gate and walking in, the first thing I immediately noticed was the park's old pond. Instead of the beautiful blue and reflective quality it once had, it was now mucky and dirty and polluted to hell, devoid of all life.
"God, what did they do to this pond? Either they were making something extremely hazardous in this factory, or they literally dumped toxic waste into it just for shits and giggles." I said to myself.
As soon as I thought that, a janitor pushing a cart full of toxic waste showed up near the pond. He proceeded to kick the cart over, letting the fluid flow into the pond as it started glowing sickly green.
"Seriously?" I deadpanned, before walking over to the janitor guy.
Once I was near him, I tapped on his leg to get his attention. He looked down and gave me a surprised look. "Hm, watcha want boy? What's a young feller like you doing here?" He asked in a thick Sector Six-ern accent.
"Oh, pardon me, dear sir, I am but a humble little boy in search of his missing parents." If you didn't read this in a British accent, you're a liar. "You see, I was walking around with them, when all of the sudden, I got lost! I have nothing to navigate back home or to call them. I have no money, no food, no shelter, I have nothing."
"Hmm..." He gave me this accusing glare, "Technically, that officially makes you one of them homoless urchins. Are you one of them disgusting homoless? Them TV people always warned us of you homoless people, poisoning our country with your 'laziness' and your 'no money.' Why I oughta be kicking you with a bat!"
If you asked me why I wanted to be evil, THIS is pretty much the reason why.
"Well actually sir, I do have one last thing left." I reached into my back pocket.
"Yea? Wazzat?"
"The element... of SAHPRAAAISE! (surprise.)" I pulled out a frying pan and bashed his face.
*CLONK*
"AAAAAGH! MY NOSE! MY NOSE, WHY?!" He yelled, crouching down and holding his face in pain.
"Well that's strange... Usually, that would render you unconscious." I held my chin, observing the guy.
"OH GOD! I THINK YOU BROKE MY NOSE! IT'S BLEEDING EVERYWHERE!"
"Hmm... I got it, maybe if I try hitting the back of your head?"
Good news, I knocked the guy unconscious, and I was now wearing his clothes to sneak into the factory!
Bad news, I think I may have accidentally bludgeoned him to near death, to the point that he might have brain damage.
"I'm just gonna... non-conspicuously... drag his body towards that dumpster... la la la humming la." I sang non-conspicuously as I dragged the unconscious janitor away.
Now that I had properly and intentionally put his body in an uncomfortable position inside a dumpster, it was time to do sneaky spy stuff!
Wearing a $5 fake mustache to match with my disguise, I pushed the janitor cart thingy with me as I walked inside the factory.
"Jim, is that you? How did you get so short all of a sudden? And when did you grow a mustache?"
"Um... Cancer."
"... Oh, okay. Sorry to hear that."
I successfully passed through security with my convincing silver tongue.
Nodding at the guard, I quickly strolled past and walked to the main room of the factory building.
Inside, the room was bustling with factory workers and machinery and all other loads of random crap that I really didn't care about. Ceiling had these deadly sentries that shot deadly stuff, and there were giant robots that were building things. Not unexpected for a valuable factory to be guarded by top-quality machinery, but retarded guards. What they were making that was being so profitable, I didn't have a damn clue. I don't think even the workers here knew either.
"Hey Jerry, I've always wondered, what the heck are we making in this factory?" Unimportant Background Character asked his friend.
"Uh... I don't know, John... It's some kind of... er... thing?" His friend replied.
"... Yeah Jerry, 'it's some kind of thing.' That's really informative of you. Totally specific."
"Are you making fun of me?"
"No Jerry, I'm using sarcasm. To make fun of you."
"Oh... Okay."
"Why the hell do I even bother talking to you?"
Seriously, what the fuck were they making in this factory? Why was it so secretive that not even the workers who mass-produce them know what they are?
Hm... Welp, my curiosity had been piqued. New first order of business, find out what this factory was making. Second order of business, shut down or destroy it! Or preferably both!
I continued my investigation. Pushing the cart along, I moved past all the machinery and ignored all the workers, intending to sneak further into the factory and find out all of its secrets.
I passed by Unimportant Background Character, and to my dismay, he noticed me.
"Hey Jim, is that you? Listen, I got a few tickets to tonight's-"
*CLONK*
"OW! WHAT THE HELL MAN-"
*CLONK*
"AGH, THE BACK OF MY HEAD!"
*CLONK* *CLONK* *CLONK*
The cartoons made the frying pan thing look a lot easier than it really was.
I whistled non-conspicuously down the east hall, pushing along my janitor cart filled with (hopefully) unconscious bodies.
I had no choice but to knock them all out! They started a conversation with me, and that obviously meant they knew I was in a disguise! That, and I also possibly, maybe, probably just wanted to hit them in the head with a frying pan... for practice... yeah.
It's a good thing that everyone here was more stupid than normally, for some odd reason.
Hm, what was it that Dad called it? Something something plot convenience?
Ah whatever, let's just keep moving. See if I can find some kind of Information Office or something.
Meanwhile... er, again... in the current timeline... or is it future-past? I seriously have no idea anymore. Is this whole story all just a bunch of old memories that Connery and his friends are all just reminiscing around a table in the future? Is it taking place in the present where Connery is planning to take over Equestria? Does anyone care? I am so confused.
Captain Duck, while enjoying the outdoor scenery, never expected an advertisement flyer to hit him in the face.
When he tried to shake it free, he also never expected it to have these specific sentences on it.
"Hey. You're a loser." It started out.
Well, okay then. This was a weird and horrible advertisement technique.
"You wanna know who wrote that sentence in this flyer? Connery NotEvilGuy."
"Quack?!"
"You wanna know where to find him?"
"QUACK!!"
"At your local evil coffee shop, of course! Come to our newly opened 'Evil Coffee Shop!' Invite your friends, your family, your family's friends, your friend's family, your friend's friends, your family's family! Buy some of our coffee today! ... Oh, and also something about your revenge with Connery. Okay, BYE!"
A sudden gust of wind blew the alluring and kinda-attractive flyer away from Duck's grasp.
With steel determination in his eyes, Captain Duck stood up straight on his two webbed duck feet of duckness.
'Quack. Quack. QUACK.'
Meanwhile in the flashback-flashback... again.
"Quack quack." A very cute and adorable non-sentient white pekin duck quacked in it's cage.
A young man wearing glasses and a scientist lab coat sighed as he opened the cage and carried the duck to a science table of sciencey stuff.
"I just can't believe this..." The man muttered under his breath.
His coworker, a dark-skinned girl with long raven hair, noticed his muttering and asked, "What's up, Jeil? Haven't seen you this down since your new hover-car got destroyed."
Jeil groaned even louder.
The coworker waved her hands in front of her, "Alright, alright. Sorry, bad way to put things. But seriously though, what's eating you?"
"It's just... What are we even doing here, Jeeva? What's the point of all of this?" Jeil asked slowly.
"Uh, what do you mean?"
"We're killing an endangered species!" Jeil suddenly shouted, "Do you know how many white pekin ducks are left in the world? Six years ago, there were only forty of them left. Forty healthy, thriving white pekin ducks that were so close to repopulating the world again, and they were all living peacefully in Childhood Park's pond. The rarest duck species in the world, and they used to live here!" He paused for a moment, before continuing. "Do you know how many are left now? After the mayor decided it was a good idea to place a factory in this park? Seven. We've killed thirty-three white pekin ducks, just to build this stupid factory!"
Jeil kicked a piece of machinery, emphasizing his distaste for the factory building. Jeeva backed off slightly as the machine sparked, giving a shocked "Whoa!" in response.
"And then, for some damn reason, we had to start experimenting on the last seven white pekin ducks in existence! Experiments that killed five more pekin ducks, meaning there's only two left in the world! Why are we doing this? What kind of factory needs us to inject a bunch of random lethal chemicals into the last line of a rare species, and write down what happens? What are they trying to accomplish?!?"
"Okay, look just, maybe calm down a bit?" Jeeva asked in soothing tone, hoping to sedate Jeil from his sudden outburst. "I don't know where this came from, but you got to get a grip. You can't go around shouting things like this, or you might get fired. We should be considered lucky that this factory even exists, because if it didn't, we wouldn't have any jobs right now." She reprimanded, "Do you even know how much this factory has helped our economy? Sector Six would have turned into a disgusting pigsty filled to the brim with disgusting and lazy homeless people."
Jeil grunted, "How though? Why? Do you know how this factory is so profitable? Do you even know what the workers here are making?"
Jeeva opened her mouth to answer, but slowly closed it when she realized that she didn't actually know the answer. "I... I don't..."
"Exactly. We don't know. We don't know what we're making, we don't know why the stuff we're making is so profitable, we don't know how this factory works, we don't even know why we're experimenting on these ducks. In the six years that this place existed, it's still a complete mystery. It- it doesn't even have an official name! Am I the only sane person here? Why isn't anyone else questioning this place?"
"... Even if you did find out the answers, what would you do then?"
"I... I would... Shit... I don't know."
There was an uncomfortable silence in the air. Jeil wanted to question everything, about his job, about his boss, but he knew he couldn't do it. So he slowly started losing hope, because he probably never will.
Jeeva was slowly starting to realize how suspicious everything was, and asking herself why she didn't realize any of this until Jeil pointed it out. She was starting to get curious about getting answers as well.
A sudden quack broke the tense silence that the two scientists built up. They both looked over the duck that was supposed to be injected with the chemicals that they were supplied with.
Jeil sighed once more, "We have to get back to work, don't we?"
Jeeva nodded, emotionless. "Yeah... I need to wrap my head around things for a bit though..."
Jeeva walked back to her spot of the sciencey computer of researching science stuff. Jeil dreaded what he was about to do again, tugging on his sterile gloves and pulling out a needle syringe. He gave a sad frown towards the duck, and as he slowly filled the syringe, he whispered, "I'm sorry for this..."
He walked up to the duck, which was surprisingly more docile than the others, and held it gently, preparing himself to inject the needle.
Then the door was kicked open.
"Is this the restroom, or the place that has all of the classified information and top secret shit that I'm looking for? I'm desperate for either!"
Is that a white pekin duck? Is that a scientist trying to put a needle in the white pekin duck? The fuck does a factory need scientists for? The fuck does a factory need the white pekin ducks for?
The fuck about the factory in general?
"What the... what are you doing here? Who let you in?" Guy with glasses asked me.
QUICK, THINK OF A LIE.
"Cancer." WRONG LIE.
"What?"
"I'm the... custodian guy. Apparently named Jim."
After this, he would say 'Oh ok,' and then I would suddenly beat his head with a frying pan for no reason.
"Uh, no you're not. You're a child wearing an over-sized custodian outfit and a fake mustache. How did you get in here?"
Oh balls, he was actually capable of being intelligent! My frying pan would be worthless against him! Abort mission, take evasive action, kidnap all the witnesses, sacrifice the women and children first, sell your souls to the yuri gods-
"Why is there a kid in the laboratory? Who let him in here?" A girl with dark hair came in the room.
"I don't know how he got in here, but some idiot is obviously responsible for letting him in. I'm calling security."
How do you handle smart people again?! Wait, I remember!
Scene transition
"Yes, I'd like to buy a 'cheap cop-out,' please. Extra 'What am I doing.'"
"Of course sir. Your drink will be ready in a moment."
"STOP IGNORING ME YOU METAL BUCK HEAD!"
More scene transition
And now they are tied up with duct tape.
"MMMMPH!" "MMPH MPH!"
"Sorry, I can't hear you over the duct tape covering your mouths. And heads. And bodies. Can't hear you over the duct tape in general."
"MMMMMPH"
Heh.
So was this place, like, the forbidden secret experimentation room of conspiracies or something? This factory just kept raising more and more questions.
"Quack."
There was also the matter of the duck being tested here. Again, what kind of factory experiments on ducks? What were they even trying to accomplish? The fuck were they making in this factory?
Well, now that I was here, time to touch and break things to learn more about them.
Petting the cute, non-sentient duck, I picked up and studied the syringe that the guy was just about to inject into it.
"Hey, what's in this stuff?" I asked the struggling scientists that were covered in duct tape, forgetting momentarily that they were covered in duct tape.
"MMMMM-mmmph..." Knowing that no amount of struggling could possibly help them break free from the all-powerful duct tape, they stopped their futile attempts and became silent.
"Okay, cool. I'll just figure it out myself then."
Any experimentation would have to have some kind of record of results and other informative information, right? Wonder if there's some kind of checklist, record book, or something...
Looking around, I noticed that there were a bunch of computers in the room. Probably for science reasons. One of them had to have access to the data about the stuff here, I was sure.
Opening up a random one, the login screen asked for a username and password. Which I did not know. Shit.
"I don't suppose you'll just kindly give me the username and password if I unwrapped the duct tape covering your mouth?"
While the girl scientist remained silent, I think the guy muffled a sarcastic retort.
I took that as initiative to unwrap the duct tape from his mouth.
*RIP*
"AGH! That freaking hurts!"
*More ripping*
"Owowowowowow"
Hm... I think I may have overused the duct tape.
I threw away the last bits of duct tape, and talked to the red-faced scientist in the... red-face.
"Sorry. What were you saying?"
"I said, 'Oh gee, whatever made you think that we wouldn't want to help you? It's not like you broke into our classified room, kidnapped us, and tied us up with duct tape!'" He said in a heavily sarcastic tone.
"Oh. Is that all? I'll just put the duct tape back on then-"
"WAIT WAIT, Okay okay okay- I'll be quiet!"
"Goody." I walked back to the computer again.
Hm... Let's see... Dad actually taught me an exploit to all Window Mac Os X50 P9 computers...
Ctrl+Alt+Delete. Task Manager. Window Mac button. Run cmdprmpt.
'Access admin acc'
Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word!
'Access admin acc plz'
Well, since you asked so nicely...
AAAAAaaaaaand, boom. Sweetness.
Username: ImDaMayorMuahaha Password: turnips557
A beep there, a boopity bop here, and I'm in. HA! First password cracking, NEXT ROBOT ARMY!
Hm... I guess the first thing to find out was who these two scientists were.
As I was working my magic, I heard the guy whisper to the girl about trying to find a way to escape their duct tape prison.
"Psst. Jeeva. Can you try to somehow free us? I'll keep the kid distracted for as long as I can."
I heard a rustle. She probably nodded.
Jeeva, huh? That... is a stupid name. I mean, who has a name like that? Jee-vah. The j really ruins it.
"So, uh... You're pretty good with computers for a young boy. Were you trained?" The guy scientist tried to distract me by starting a conversation.
"That's the first thing you ask? If I was trained to hack computers?" I asked incredulously, "You aren't going to ask how I infiltrated the factory? Or why I'm so awesome at infiltrating, despite being a kid? Or questioning why I'm infiltrating it in the first place?"
"Erm... Well, I guess those are valid questions, but you probably wouldn't answer them if I asked anyway."
"Knocked out a janitor named Jim and took his clothes. Everyone here was surprisingly dumb, so it was easy. I wanted to find out why this factory was so secretive that not even the workers here knew what they were making."
"... You're very forthcoming with these answers."
"These answers aren't really complicated to find out. You know, unlike this super secretive factory, with the super secretive experimenting on ducks, and the super secret reason why this factory rakes in billions of dollars, despite everyone not knowing what the hell the factory is selling."
"You're... not the only one trying to figure out what's going on." I think he said that more to himself than to me.
Oh yay, I found the employee database. Now I could figure out who the heck these two scientists were.
The girl's name was Jeeva, right? I could try to search for her first then.
Clicking on the link, it redirected me to a search site for the employees of the factory. A hundred and twenty employees. Page one out of fifty-seven.
Lemme just push the J button here-
A hundred and twenty employees. Page one out of fifty-seven.
Wat.
Wait a minute...
I scrolled down the long long list of employees and realized the most horrifying truth about the workers here....
Every single worker here had a name that starts with J. Wat da faaack.
"John, Johnny, Jaune, Jim, Jeane, James, Jeorgia, Jannable, Jake, Jimmy, Jistopher, Jarl, Jabrina-" I mean, seriously, what? Some of these names are just regular non-J names with their first letter replaced with J!
Did this place just hire anyone with the letter J in their name? No checking backgrounds or work resume, just 'Oh, you have a J in your name, you're hired!'
"Hey, you with the glasses. If your friend's name is Jeeva, then what's yours?" I asked.
"Uh... It-it's Jeil?"
...
"Hm, I guess that would probably explain why most of the people who work here are so incompetent. Although, my theory that they all drank the pond water is still up for debate..." I muttered to myself.
Welp, I had absolutely no leads on what to do next. I might as well mess around until something important comes up.
Maybe I could fire everyone here so that they leave the factory. It would make it easier to blow the place up.
I wonder if I could hack the microphone here or something...
"Hello? Hello, hello, testing, one two three. Is this thing on? I think I'm too far away to hear myself."
The hard working J's stopped their work to turn and listen to the strange call on the speakers.
"Uh, um... due to, er.... f-federal- yeah, Federal reasons, I must announce that everyone with names that start with the letter J, must leave the premise immediately, and to never come back. Er... Because you're all fired. Yeah... So, uh, good luck with that. Bye."
An uncomfortable silence lingered as everyone processed the news.
Then, one background character shouted what they were all thinking at that exact moment.
"WELL, SHIT."
That was easy enough. Employee database was demolished. What now?
Hm...
Ooh, maybe steal some of the experimenting data and get some insight on what the hell they needed duck experimentation for.
As I began to press various buttons and hope for the best, Jeil tried to initiate conversation with me again, hoping that it could lead my attention away from Jeeva, who was trying to cut herself free with a syringe that was on the floor.
The fact that I just described Jeeva trying to cut herself free with a syringe on the floor told me that Jeil sucked at his job.
I like these guys.
"So... what are you going to do if you find out what's going on in this factory?" He asked, distracting me, yet also probably curious himself. "Are you a government spy? Sent to uncover possible illegal activities being performed here?"
"Pfft, government spy?" I scoffed, as I tried to get past the security Pong mini-game.
"Well, yeah. That's the only logical explanation I could come up with. Normal kids aren't exactly versatile with infiltration or computer hacking. Obviously, you had to be government trained."
He said to the kid that snuck in by wearing a five dollar mustache and an overlarge janitor outfit, and was currently playing Pong to hack into the computers.
"Right." I replied simply. "Government trained. In a certain specific non-existent perspective, you'd be absolutely correct."
I gave a small glance at him to see him raising his eyebrows, but he didn't ask me to elaborate.
"To answer your earlier question," I started, "Once I find out how this factory is making so much money, legally or not, I'm gonna blow it up."
"WHAT?!" "MMPH?!"
"What? What's the problem?" I asked as I finally beat the Pong mini-game, Four-to-Five.
While Jeil just seemed shocked about my plans, Jeeva looked like she was in sheer panic, and threw all subtlety out the window as she tried to cut off her duct-tape even faster than before. She really shouldn't have worried, it wasn't like any of us would be inside when it exploded. I was an insane and evil kid on a quest of world domination, not a murderer. Sheesh.
"You-You're just gonna blow it up?! But what about the people inside, and the- and the-"
"Jesus, calm down! I'm not gonna kill anyone! I'll blow the factory up long after everyone is gone!" I explained to the hyperventilating scientist.
Although that seemed to calm Jeil down, Jeeva was still panicking for some odd reason, not even slowing down for a second.
Fiiine, access granted... freaking cheater...
The AI was a sore loser.
Let's dig through some files, shall we...
Duck experimentation, chemical reactions, ingredients include... cyanide, nicotine, strychnine, digoxin, insert more scientific crap here...
"Ok, but still! I could understand if you were gonna do it if it turns out the factory was illegal, but why would you blow it up anyway if it was legitimate?!"
"Because," I elaborated, "I don't like it."
Goal of the experimentation was...
'I want a duck with super powers as a pet. Cuz I'm da mayor. Muahaha.'
...
And he gave these scientists a bunch of poisonous chemicals to inject into ducks.
So that they may turn into super ducks.
Sometimes, I felt like I was the only sane man in the world. But then I realized, I assaulted twenty three people with a frying pan, wore an over-sized janitor outfit and a fake mustache to sneak into a factory, on a mission to blow up said factory. Then I just felt disappointed that I was surprised by this in the first place.
To make up for it, I was gonna one-up the dumbass who thought this was possible by proving it was possible.
You hear that little ducky? You're gonna get super powers out of spite! Isn't that great?
"What do you mean 'because you don't like it?!'" Oh right, forgot about them for a second.
"Well, there's plenty of reasons why I don't like it. This factory was built over a cherished national pond without the people's consent. Not only that, but the people who built it also abducted a nearly extinct duck species for experimentation. It's secretive to the point that it could be considered a government building, selling unknown items while raking in cash by the second."
"Well... I..." Jeil hesitated as he seemingly started to agree that my words had merit to them.
"Legit or not, it's obviously doing something shifty under the people of Cluetopia's noses, and if the government gave the factory consent, then that just proves how much our government is just a big giant corrupted piece of shit-
*guncock* "I've had enough of your disrespectful actions tonight, you terrorist."
WAIT HOLY SHIT IS THAT A GUN I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS TO HAPPEN-
I mean, I totally knew she was gonna break free at some point, BUT I DIDN'T THINK SHE WOULD PULL OUT A GUN ON ME- THIS ISN'T RATED T FOR POTTY-MOUTH NONSENSE AT ALL.
"Oh god, is that a gun? I'm gonna turn around, and I'm just gonna hope that it's not a gun." I turned around very slowly, and saw a gun in my face. "God dammit, it's a gun."
Jeeva stared down at me with a pissed off face, one that could only be matched by its scariness in the future when I met Celestia and her scary glare of scariness.
"Woah, Jeeva, what are you doing?!" The still-tied-up male scientist shouted as he rolled around on the floor.
"What do you think I'm doing?! I'm trying to stop the Hintnopolis Terrorist!" She shouted back, still pointing the gun at my face.
Hintnopolis, the neighboring country that Cluetopia was at war with? What convenient exposition.
"Jeeva, you're pointing a gun at a kid!" Jeil pointed out.
"This so called 'kid' is obviously a Hintnopolis-trained spy! He's trying to blow up the factory, which is the only reason why the Cluetopia economy is still thriving!" She retorted. Then she glared back at me, "I mean, just listen to him! He keeps spouting out all the lies that the Hintnopolis people were always saying about our country! Saying about how corrupted our governments are, how incompetent we are, while THEY are the ones trying to bomb and kill all of us!"
Oh god, she was one of those people, wasn't she.
"Admit it! You're just trying to bomb this factory so that it would ruin our economy, and slowly turn Cluetopia into a filthy and lazy country filled with nothing but homeless people!"
Yep, she was one of those 'the homeless and the terrorists are making this country worse, not our government' people.
Man, I hate these kinds of people. Always watching the TV news and believing anything they say, always believing everything on the internet articles.
Thankfully, I had a great fool-proof psychological technique to make these people see the errors of their ways. It was 100% scientifically proven.
"Hey, uh, before you do anything, can I ask you a few questions? How do you define 'homeless?'"
"What are you going on about?" Jeeva glared suspiciously at me.
"Honest question. It'll make sense when you answer." I told her.
"A homeless person is a person with no home that leeches off responsible people to survive." She answered.
"Okay then. How do you earn honest money?"
"Obviously, you get a job and work for it."
"Why do people hate the homeless?" I continued.
"Where is this going?" She impatiently asked me.
"People hate the homeless because they have no money, right?" I diverted her back into my line of questions.
"Yes?" She quirked her eyebrow.
"Why do people not hire homeless people?"
"Because they hate the homeless."
"Why do they hate the homeless?"
"Because they don't have money."
"Why don't they have money?"
"Because they have... no... jobs..." Now we're getting somewhere.
"Why do they have no jobs?"
"Because we won't hire them..." I see it in your eyes, you can work this out!
"Why don't we hire them?"
"Because... we hate them..." I stopped at this point and let her figure this conundrum by herself. "And... since we hate them, we won't hire them... and they won't have jobs... which means they won't have money... which was the reason why we- oh god."
See? 100% science proven.
Jeeva weakly dropped her gun and fell to her knees, a look of realization and a stream of tears on her face. "Oh my god, and I kicked a kid down just a week ago for asking me for change."
"And you should feel bad about that, you horrible person." I cheerfully told her as I patted her head.
Aaand she was sobbing.
I did not know how to handle people who cry, so I awkwardly looked at Jeil, silently telling him to do something.
Jeil directed my attention to his entire body, which was still covered in duct tape.
Hm, I'd say he was trustworthy enough to not pull out a surprise shotgun behind my back. I'll help him free.
*Ripping 2: The Revenge* "Owowowowow-"
"Alright, go comfort your friend."
As Jeil quickly went to calm the wallowing Jeeva, I headed back to the computer to see if I could squeeze out some more info from it. Maybe I could finally find out what this factory was producing.
Moments after moments passed, unfruitful attempts after attempts, the cries of anguish and guilt had finally passed and a dead uncomfortable silence filled the room.
Sheesh, this thing was incredibly secret. Like, beyond government secret. Like, Area 51 1/2 secret.
The hell were they making?
"So, what happens now?" Jeeva asked hoarsely.
Hm? Oh right, those guys were still there.
I glanced back, seeing Jeil crouching next to a wet-eyed Jeeva.
"Eh. Stuff happens." I shrugged. After realizing that the computer wouldn't give me access to the secretive secrets of the factory, I just decided to give up. Who cared what they were making, I was gonna blow this place up anyway. I just hope they weren't making anything that'll make my quest for world domination harder.
Somewhere out there in the rich sectors of Cluetopia, I faintly heard evil cackling.
Turning off the computer, I turned around to face the scientist people. "I think that you guys should quit your jobs and go home. Watch some cartoons, and check out the news later tonight. Then, go to the nearest alleyway and say sorry to all the homeless people you probably punched in the face in your life."
Jeeva cringed as she became interested in the details of the floor.
I didn't even say that in a harsh tone. Guess she really felt guilty after I logic-bombed her.
"You're... not a normal kid, you know that?" He pointed out.
"I'm pretty sure we have established that already, yes." I nodded again.
I donned my ultra-disguising mustache of five dollars, and went to leave the room so that I could begin the process of 'blowing the shit out of this place with lots of C4.'
Before I could, however, Jeeva shambled to stand behind me and shouted at me to stop. "Wait, wait!"
"Hm? What?"
"I still have so many questions to ask! Why do you need to blow the factory up? What will happen to the economy? Are you a terrorist? Are you a hero? Who do you work for? I'm still so confused!" She stammered, hoping I would provide insight to ease her nerves.
Hm... My next choice of words would have to be expositionary, and awesome-like.
Maybe, a huge giant speech about the evils of the world? Greed and corruption controlling our government? About how this world had given up on heroes and shunned them, and how only a villain might perform change in the world? About how I, Connery NotEvilGuy, would one day be the one and only evil being in this world, who will rid those more evil than me?
...
Nah.
"Yes." I explained vaguely. Then, with dramatic flair, I shouted, "I am now going to leave!" So I did just that. With extra smoke bomb for good measure.
As my new acquaintances coughed violently from the unexpecting move, I quickly used my chance to escape and fled from the room, making my way towards the place where I'd place my... explodey stuff to make stuff explode. Yeah.
Running out to the hallway and towards the place where I'd place my explodey stuff to make stuff explode, I wondered if I'd ever see those two again. They were interesting people, even if they had stupid names. Jeil seemed to be one of the more open-minded people that I've met in a long time, and actually took the time to have questions and doubts. Jeeva was very strong in her feeling of what was right or wrong, if a bit naive and easily convinced on which was which. But still, they were more interesting than Unimportant Background Character and his friends.
Sadly, the chances that I'd ever see them again were probably slim. I probably wouldn't see them again for a long long- Shit I forgot to bring the duck.
She and Jeil coughed feverishly from the surprise distraction that Connery initiated to commence his somewhat excessive escape. After the smoke died down, the coughing wore out as well. Jeeva and Jeil waved off the last remnants of smoke, as they lay there in the room, silent and still processing the events that had just happened moments ago.
Jeeva was left with many questions that she desperately wanted answers to. From just a short and brief meeting with a strange boy, her entire life was changed. The meaning of what was right and wrong seemed jumbled, as this new idea of homeless people actually being victims, instead of money-leeching scum, contradicted to what she had been taught her entire life. Schools, college, television, media, culture, society, they all taught her about the evils of being poor and homeless. The evils of how humans who have nothing will dedicate their entire existence just to steal from others. Could it be that this whole entire time, homeless people were just regular people, subjugated by the rich and powerful and greedy? Could it be, that she was not the victim, but the actual REAL scum of society?
Yes. Obviously.
But before she could dwell on her stupid questions further, Jeil pulled Jeeva up by her arm. "Come on, we should probably leave. The kid said that he'll blow up this place soon, right? I don't like the idea of being caught up in an explosion anytime soon, so let's get outta here!" He urged her, smiling.
Jeeva was surprised at how happy Jeil was, despite the situation. In fact, he almost seemed excited at the prospect of his work place being blown up.
This somewhat irked her.
"Jeil, are you actually looking forward to seeing this place blown up?" She asked incredulously.
Jeil coughed and scratched the back of his neck, and sheepishly answered, "Well, sort of. Maybe. Yes. But you can't really blame me, I've hated this place ever since we first started working here! All the secrecy, and the endangered duck experimenting- And now there's a person, maybe even a group of people out there that see what I see, and are DOING something about it instead of just sucking it up and letting the guys in charge get away with it!"
Jeeva looked away, still torn and confused between what was right and wrong. "But... is it the right thing to do? Will this actually help anyone at all, or is this just mindless violence?"
"Jeeva..." Jeil sighed and crouched back down in front of Jeeva again. He paused a moment, before answering, "In this world, sometimes there's no such thing as absolute good. Sometimes, the only way to face evil is to be a little evil yourself. But as long as we can get rid of the greater evil, we'll make the world a better place. Even if people won't realize what your intentions are, even if people won't appreciate what you've done, even if people hate your guts, it takes a brave and humble person to endure all that and still save the very same people from getting hurt."
"Jeil..." Jeeva breathed out in surprise. "That was... surprisingly thought-out and deep, coming from you. I'd never expect to hear you say something like that."
"What? You never expected me to be smart and deep?" Although his tone sounded indignant, his playful smile showed he was only joking.
Jeeva, seeming a lot calmer now, answered teasingly with, "Well, I did help you cheat in college-"
In which Jeil interrupted abruptly by pulling Jeeva onto her feet and dragging her out the hallway, "Yeah yeah, that doesn't prove anything now let's just get out of here."
Jeeva laughed as she ran through the hallways with Jeil pulling her along.
Although she felt like everything she knew and learned about life had been a lie, she felt a little bit better with Jeil alongside her. Maybe the revelation that being mean to homeless people made her a bad person would change her life forever, but at least she wouldn't suffer all by herself. Jeil would be there to calm her down.
Though, there was still a lingering question in that little head of hers...
Will she ever meet that kid again?
She wanted to ask him more about who he was, about why he was doing all this. She wanted to have answers to bring her closure... But she knew, deep in her heart, that she would probably never see him again.
After this, he could be anywhere. He could be in different sectors of Cluetopia, or even a different country entirely.
Just then, something whipped past her. "OHAI GUYS, GLAD TO SEE YOU'RE DOING BETTER JEEVA, PARDON ME."
...
Yep, that would probably be the last time she ever saw him. There would be no way to see him ever again-
"OK BYE GUYS, THANKS FOR THE DUCK."
"Quack"
"Ok, that's it. I'm following that kid before I lose track of him again." She declared, before dashing ahead of Jeil and leaving him to the dust.
"Wait, hold up! Jeeva!" Jeil wailed, running after her.
"This just in on Sector 6 news! It appears that an explosion has just occurred! The factory that was built on top of the old beloved Childhood Park, which unofficial name is the 'Childhood Factory,' was recently a victim to some sort of terrorist attack. We now go live on the scene. Take it away Samantha!"
"Thanks Phil. I am currently at the front gates of the factory, which as you can see is set aflame. Firemen are on the scene, doing their best to contain the fire, but judging by the intensity of the flames, it's only a matter of time before the whole place could come crashing down. Miraculously, there has been no reports of deaths. It seems almost as if everyone who was an employee here had left their jobs prematurely, just in time to avoid their possibly violent and grim deaths. Although, curiously enough, officials have reported finding a custodial trash-bin that contained multiple unconscious bodies of the factories employees. All of them are alive, with some only having minor head injuries and bruises. When questioned how they came to be unconscious and injured in the first place, and to what could have caused the factory explosion, they claimed to having no memories of how either took place. But, one of the victims claimed that he was assaulted by a homeless child with a frying pan. Here is the footage."
"It was them homoless varmints I tells ya! Der was dis kid, he was mighty suspicious lookin', I tell you what. I let mah guard down for just a sec, and out of nowhere, he pulled out this goddam frying pan and smacked my noggin repeatedly! I bet that kid was why the factory exploded! He was one of them terrorist! A terrorist I tells ya!"
I opened the door to my home, tiredly greeting my dad, who was sitting on the couch while watching the TV and drinking beer.
"Hey kiddo. Looks like our stunt got the media's attent- What are you carrying?"
I looked down at the cute white pekin duck in my arms. "Quack."
"Okay, so, you know how I plan to become the Evil Lord Emperor of Cluetopia when I grow up?" I asked him.
"Yeeeaaahh?"
"Okay, so bare with me..." I paused for dramatic effect... "Super Powered Animal Arch-nemesis!"
...
...
Dad put down his beer, and gave me his full attention. He cleared his throat, before asking, "What?"
"The Saturday morning cartoons do it all the time! A super powered animal that fights crime and evildoers, while also pretending to live a life as a simple house pet! I want to turn this rare and nearly extinct duck into my own super hero arch-nemesis!"
"Quack."
Dad just blankly stared at me for a moment, before exasperatedly rubbing his forehead. Whether it was because of my brilliant idea or because he was drunk was up for debate.
Just as he was about to say something in response, the TV switched to a toy commercial, with over the top electronic music and flashing colors that made my eyes hurt a bit.
"Introducing the NEW, EXCITING, YOLO-tastic action figure of the CENTURY!"
"C-C-C-CEEENTURY!"
An image of a toy Chuck Norris came on the screen, with it's hand swinging up and down.
"It's the AMAZINGLY NEW Chuck Norris II ACTION FIGURE, with full karate-chopping skills that will pulverize your ENEMIES!"
The scene showed the Chuck Norris toy chopping a cardboard monster, and after that was some very large and unnecessary amounts of explosions.
"Not only that, but he also talks! Listen and follow his SWAGLICIOUS advice and life lessons!"
*Presses button*
"Obey your government." "Destroy all Hintnopolis pigs." "Homeless people are the problem."
The commercial abruptly ended when Dad threw his remote control at the TV with enough force to pierce through it, and indent the remote in the wall behind it.
"Fucking sellout..." Dad grumbled before facing me again. "What were we talking about again?"
"Can I keep the duck so that I can give it superpowers and make it become my arch-nemesis, please please please?" I begged him, giving my most evilest puppy dog eyes of evil.
He thought about it for a moment, before answering, "Well... I don't know son. I mean, having an arch-nemesis is a big responsibility."
"I promise to be just like the bad guys in the Saturday morning cartoons, and let it win and come back every week!"
"It's not just that, Connery. When you give it powers, you have to make sure it'll use their powers for good, otherwise you'll just make another villain! Not only that, but you have to find it a good owner that'll take care of it regularly."
"I'm sure that I can get it to become a superhero by using the power of science! And an owner can be easily found! I just have to do background checks on any potential pet owners to make sure they won't mistreat it, and I'll be good to go!"
Dad soaked in my words for a bit, tilting his head back and forth in contemplation.
I was leaning in trepidation, wishing that he'd just answer already.
The duck quacked. "Quack."
"Hm... Alright. But only because I think super powered ducks are awesome, especially ones related to the Aflac duck himself, and I also trust you."
"YAY! I'm gonna do science stuff right now! Be right back!" I cheered, quickly going down to the Evil Laboratory of Evil while holding on to my soon-to-be rival!
Meanwhile, Dad chuckled to himself as he watched me leave. "You picked the right kid, John." He told himself proudly.
He sat back on the couch and popped open another beer bottle, before going back to his TV- "Oh right."
The TV sparked through the gaping hole.
"*sigh...* And I just bought this to replace the one from last time..."
Back in the Present/Future/Future-Present/Present-Future/Whatever IN THE DISTANT FAR FUTURE Evil Lord Emperor's Lounge in Canterlot
"After getting permission from my father, I quickly began my scientific research as to how to give a nearly extinct duck species superpowers. The formula wasn't really that hard to figure out, all I had to do was replace all of the poisonous components with... you know, things that WEREN'T poisonous. Not long after, I was able to perfect the serum to give Captain Duck his super powers. Before that though, I had to vigorously train his mentality so that Captain Duck wouldn't become a super-villain instead. That was also quite easy too, I'll have to admit. I just stuck him in a room that played non-stop superhero cartoons for about a month. He was very impressionable back then.
"With the preparations complete, it was finally time. I injected the serum into his bloodstream... and then I kinda lost him for few months."
"What? How did that happened?!" Twilight spoke up in surprise. The others raised their eyebrows at me, pretty much wondering the same thing.
"Pfft, no clue." I shrugged. "He kinda exploded, and then there was a hole in my ceiling, I just kinda assumed I accidentally killed the last white pekin duck in existence. No need to worry though, because a few months after that, I found him again. Or rather, he found me. During one of my Evil Operations of Doom, he showed up out of nowhere and kept beating the ever living crap out of me, his signature cape and all. It also turns out that he found his own place and owner to take care of him. I actually forgot that one of the side effects of having superpowers was sentience, so I was worried about him for nothing. So, yippee, I got my wish for an arch-nemesis!"
"Bet that bit you in the hindquarters." Applejack laughed.
I chuckled, "Oh, you have no idea. Every single god damn Saturday morning..."
Our weekly group get-together was briefly interrupted when the alarm sounded. The red flashing light lit the area, and my walkie-talkie-phone-thing rang.
*Beep* "Sup."
"Boss! Captain Duck just broke into the castle! What are your orders?!"
Despite the situation, none of us were really surprised about what was happening. If anything, I was more annoyed than surprised.
"About damn time! Doesn't he know how late he is? We started the get-together hours ago! Lure him into a trap and then bring him up here."
"Aye sir!" "Nonono-Not the face!"*Beep*
"I swear, that duck is always late to these things." I complained, patiently waiting for my minion-bots to send Captain Duck up to our room.
"Well, you can't really blame the poor thing, Connery." Fluttershy defended. "There'll never be any rest for the wicked, and justice never sleeps. Like you told us all a while ago."
"Huh. I did say something like that, didn't I?" Batman is awesome.
We all silently waited for the ruckus and explosions to die down, and for the Duck in question to show up. After a while, the doors to our room opened to reveal two of my Guard-bots carrying a big metal pole, and Captain Duck tied in the middle of said pole with excessive amounts of rope.
I stood up from my seat to walk up to the tied up duck. "Gee, did you miss the bus or something?" I teased.
"Quack quack quack, quack quack." He sarcastically replied.
"Yeah yeah, excuses excuses." I deadpanned as I untied him. He landed on his little webbed feet and waddled over to his seat in the circle. Everypony greeted him with a warm welcome, while I excused the two minion-bots before hopping back to my own seat. "You know, we were just talking about the day I gave you powers. Remember the good ol' days of Cluetopia?"
Captain Duck seemed nostalgic for a bit, before he smiled and nodded.
"Wait a moment, I'm curious about something." Luna spoke up, asking, "You mentioned that the good Captain was taken cared of by his owner before you, correct? Who was this owner?"
Huh, I thought I told all of them already.
"Didn't I already tell you guys?" I asked them all.
"Well, I remember you telling us." Twilight answered, with her friends nodding to confirm her.
"Actually, I don't think I knew of this either." Celestia hummed, trying to remember anything that was related to the topic at hand. She shook her head, "No, this is the first I've heard of Captain Duck having an owner before arriving here."
I gave a sad smile to Captain Duck as he looked away forlornly. Patting him on the back, I said, "I think you should take over for this part."
He nodded, facing all of us before recounting his tale. "Quack, quack quack quack quack..."
??? Cluetopia
There was rain. It was cold. The ground was uncomfortable to lay on. But there was not enough strength to move.
He laid there. For how long? Who knows. He just laid there.
There were soft footsteps from afar, getting ever so close. A gasp, and whoever it was ran straight to his side.
He felt warm hands caressing his body as he was lifted up. A voice... a very beautiful voice.
"Oh my god... you're a duck... A white pekin duck! I thought you all went away five years ago... Did you live in the same pond, or...?" She paused... "You're injured. How did this happen?"
He wanted to open his eyes. He was glad he did. He saw the familiar blue eyes of a familiar girl. She reminded him of something called bread. He liked bread.
"I need to get you to someplace safe and warm! Maybe Miss Carol knows how to help!"
She hugged him tightly as she ran home as fast as she could. He couldn't stop himself from falling asleep in her comfortable arms.
Thus today was the day, the legend of Captain Duck, began.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Next time on the next chapter of BUT I AM EVIL!
"Oh hey, Half Life 3 is out."
FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON...
BUT I AM EVIL!
An Unfinished Chapter Which I Promise To Eventually Finish Someday, I'm So Sorry For Being Dead For 3 Years
"Uh, why am I doing this again?" My newly-hired henchpony asked as she dangled from the ceiling, tied to a rope, trapped in a metal cage, hanging above a water tank filled with sharks and electric eels.
"It's a very complicated process of insurance fraud and healthcare, while also building and maintaining an understanding of mutual trust between the workplace." I explained to the adorable Derpster. "Also, it's because I'm trying to trick your friends into drinking at our Evil Coffee Shop by making them think that I kidnapped you as my hostage." I added in as a footnote.
"Uh... okay then. I guess that makes sense?" She hesitantly agreed, doing that cute thing she does by scrunching up her adorable nose.
"Minion-bots! How's the stage setup coming along?" I asked the minion-bots around as they continued to calibrate cameras and tweaking the floodlights.
"The stage is all set and raring to go. All that's left is you giving us the cue, and we can begin rolling!" The minion-bot behind the camera gave a thumbs up.
"Good!" Just a few steps closer to finally initiate scenario seven. "Oh right, that reminds me- Derpy, did you memorize your lines yet?" I turned to ask her.
"My wha-?"
"Eh, that's ok. I'll have a minion-bot hold up some cue cards that I already prepared." I stuck two fingers near my mouth and whistled, before shouting out, "Cue Card-bot! ASSEMBLE!"
"You did not have to do that. I was literally standing right here the entire time." My Cue Card-bot grumbled next to me, rubbing the sound receptors in his head.
"Perfect! Now, Derpy, when you see him hold up the cue cards, read whatever's on them, okay?" I instructed her.
"Sure thing! I can definitely do that!" She said cheerfully.
Excellent. Everything is proceeding to plan. All that was left was to prepare myself, and do the thingy with the coffee thing.
The door just behind Derpy opened and shut, and in came a Minion-bot flipping through his clipboard files. "Sir, we've sent out two dozen more of our units to distract the horse-women by dying to their nonexistent hands. We can't spare another one to go out there. Are you ready to initiate scenerio- GAH!"
Clumsily, he tripped over and fell through my cardboard cutout drawing of a water tank filled with sharks and electric eels. There was now a noticeable hole in the cardboard.
"NO! Aw god damn it!" A nearby minion-bot dropped a can of paint and ran over to the hole, "I spent months painting that in order to make it look as realistic as possible! And now it's ruined!"
"Sorry, sorry! I didn't mean to!" The minion-bot frantically moved to get up and nervously observed his mess. Looking over to me with a nonexistent worried expression, "I didn't just jeopardized the entire plan, did I?"
"Sigh..." I sighed.
Walking up to the minion-bot, I grabbed his head and spun it around counter clockwise. "Woawoawoawaowaowoawaowaowaowaowa-woah"
After finally decapitating him, I reached inside the head through the neck, and pulled out some crayola crayons. I then put the head back in it's original position, spinning it around again to reattach it to the minion-bots body.
"What the hell? Why do I have crayons up in my head?"
"I put crayons in every minion-bots heads."
"Why?"
"Fuck you, that's why."
After finishing that, I went up to the cardboard with the massive gaping hole, and proceeded to redraw the whole entire thing to make it look like that the hole was intentionally put there.
Basically, it was now a cardboard cutout of a water tank filled with sharks and electric eels, with a new addition of a black hole. Just in case anyone ever gets confused by it, I also wrote in green colors above it, 'This is a black hole. Very scary.'
"There, that'll be convincing enough."
I ignored everyone else telling me how terribly unconvincing it was.
"OKAY EVERYBODY, LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD. The sooner I get this done, I sooner I go back to bed and fend off my sickness with Saturday morning cartoons." I pronounced, getting everyone to work as I prepared for my big debut.
A minion-bot in front of me commented, "You don't really seem that sick." just conveniently before I sneezed and got a huge amount of phlegm to cover his head.
"Wow, that is huge." I said, amazed at the size of such phlegm as I watched it wiggle around on top of the currently screaming minion-bot, sprinting around in panic.
Episode 9: Even Though it's Technically Only a Few Hours Since the Last Episode, It Feels Like another Year has passed by again...
"Where's Derpy?! We know you have her somewhere in here! The mystical and harmonious advert flyer said so as it whispered sweet nothings into my ear!" Twilight shouted, holding up the exact not-at-all-hypnotizing piece of flier with her magic.
The others paused in their violent and murderous rampage to give a concerned glance at Twilight.
"Twilight dear, are you feeling alright?" Rarity calmly asked, slowly trotting up to her.
"Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?" Twilight replied, oblivious to the fact that it was usually not normal for inanimate objects to whisper sweet nothings in ones ear.
"It's just... You've been acting really strange since you found this flier... I think, perhaps, it would be a good idea if we were to take it off your hooves for a bit?"
Twilight suddenly hugged the piece of paper tightly to her chest, "What? No! I found it first, so it's mine! Get your own if you want."
Subtly, Rainbow Dash snuck up from behind and yanked the flier out of Twilight's hooves.
"Wuh- Rainbow Dash!" She cried indignantly.
"Okay, time to figure out what's gotten the egghead so infartuated with this thing."
"Infatuated." Twilight corrected.
"Yeah, that too."
Rainbow Dash proceeded to read the flier.
"Hey you! You wanna join The Wonderbolts?"
Okay, that was weird for an advertisement to ask something so... specific and convenient.
"If so, then come to our newly opened 'Evil Coffee Shop!' Invite your friends, your family, your family's friends, your friend's family, your friend's friends, your family's family! Buy some of our coffee today!"
Uh...
"The coffee turns you into a Wonderbolt."
Just like that?
"Just like that. Yes."
Sounds too good to be true.
"It's not."
Hm, guess that's pretty legit.
"Hey, you seem pretty cute. Wanna go out for coffee sometimes?"
Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rarity gave a questioning glance at Rainbow Dash after she suddenly blushed and giggled like a school-filly. All the while, Twilight was glaring invisible daggers at her.
Pinkie Pie was casually exchanging recipes with one of the broken minion-bots on the floor.
"Wow! That sounds super convenient!"
"I know, right? It took me years before I finally figured that out."
Back to Twilight though.
"Can I have my flier back now?" Twilight impatiently asked.
Rainbow Dash decided to defensively curl her wings over the flirtatious flier. "Uh, I think I'll hold onto it for a bit. You've already hogged it to yourself for a while now."
"You can't do that! It's mine!" Twilight indignantly shouted.
"Yeah, well- I think that it would rather be with me instead." Rainbow Dash argued back.
The flier then started glowing purple, as Twilight tried to pull the flier back to her. Rainbow Dash, not wanting to lose her one true love so early, clenched her teeth on the flier just before it was out of her reach.
"Give. It. Back!"
"Mno!"
The other three of the Mane Six did not know what to make out of the scene in front of them.
Pinkie Pie gave a gasp as she just finished exchanging recipes. "WOW! I never knew you could use something like that before!"
"I never would have thought to use something like that as a sugar substitute for donuts. This could sell great towards people on diets!"
That was when they all heard ominous and slow sarcastic clapping.
Except Twilight and Rainbow Dash. They were still fighting over the flier who was Edward Cullen incarnate.
Slowly walking out of the shadows of the corner of the room, which wasn't there originally but somehow existed despite the fact that the shop was too well lit to even have any corner shadows in the first place, was Connery NotEvilGuy in all of his evil glory.
"Well well well, if it isn't the six ponies that have been a pain in my backside for far too long." He greeted condescendingly, despite the fact that this was literally the second time he ever met them face to face like this.
None of them payed any attention to him, as they were all too distracted by the catfight taking place.
Okay, what the hell was I witnessing here?
Apparently, two of them decided to stop terrorizing the coffee shop and started fighting each other over one of my not-at-all hypnosis advertisement fliers.
"I found it first, so it belongs to me!" The purple horsewoman yelled, using that magical unicorn glowing stuff to pull the flier out of the rainbow mane's teeth.
"And I'm telling you, it wants to be with me more!" The other one yelled back, slightly muffled due to her clenched teeth.
"You wouldn't understand it's feelings as well as I do!"
"I can at least give it the pleasure that it wants and deserves, unlike you!"
"How dare you?!"
For some odd reason, none of their friends are doing anything about this other than watch.
To be honest, I couldn't blame them. I would probably watch in astonishment at the mesmerizing event of two people fighting over a cardboard cutout of someone, shouting at each other about who's in love with it more than the other too.
This was pretty entertaining actually. I think I'll just sit back and watch this go on for a few more-
Bored now.
Imma just get out my LOLZ-Cannon- I don't think I've ever had to use this in a while...
Let's see, there were four modes for it. Child-safety mode, Knock-out mode, Serious-business mode, and Fuck-em-up-real-good mode.
Hm...
I'll set it to serious-business.
Carefully aiming between the sights, I aligned my shot just right so that I could avoid accidentally killing anyone.
Steady... aaaaaand-
*Pew*
Their boyfriend was incinerated and dissipated in the air into a million tiny molecules.
Instantly, both of the girls fell back on their horsebutts and looked around in confusion, the effects of the not-at-all hypnosis wearing off on them.
As those two gathered their bearings, the others gave their fullest attentions towards me and stepped back.
"It's dat darn alien!" The one with the southern accent and cowboy hat pointed out the obvious.
"OOOHH, YOU!" The white one with the weird curly hairstyle snarled in a rather unladylike manner, "I still haven't forgotten the trouble you caused me those few weeks ago! I had to spend two entire day's fixing my mane after you ruined it with your... whatever it was that you did last time we saw each other!"
So, she's extremely pissed at me, not because I escaped their grasps and did my evilly evil things for the past two weeks, but because I messed up her hair?
She's gonna be the easiest one to troll, I'm calling it.
As I glanced over to the butter-pink one to see what she had to say to me, she noticed my eye on her and tried to hide herself in her own bangs. "I... uh... Please give back our Derpy?"
Aw, she's cute. I like her. I'll try to mentally scar her for life less than the others.
One of my minion-bots was already busy taking care of Pinkie Pie.
That just leaves the last two girls, who were still trying to wrap their heads around what was going on.
"Were... were we fighting about something?" Rainbow asked.
"I... don't know?" Purple Nurple rubbed her forehead.
Ugh, come on guys, I really want this to be done and over with.
I switched my LOLZ-Cannon to Fuck-em-up-real-good mode, and shot at the minion-bot who was talking to Pinkie Pie.
A piano fell on top of him, making a huge and loud crash as it crushed his body but still left his head intact. "Aw, not again."
The loud crash startled everyone, as they weren't expecting a random piano to show out of nowhere to crash on the floor. Both Rainbow and Purple backed off from the sudden piano, knocked out of there stupor.
"Pay attention to me dammit!" I shouted irritably.
The two of them finally realized that I showed up, as Rainbow flared up her wings and shouted out the obvious, "Hey! It's the alien!"
"Yeah, hi again. I have a name, you know." I waved at her.
She took offense to my polite and well-mannered greeting and started to rocket towards me with an extremely fast and undodgeable speed-
Sidestep to the left.
*Crash!*
Like a glove.
"Rainbow Dash, no!" Twilight the almighty Sparkly one yelled in horror after witnessing Skittles crash into a wall, before glaring at me and charging her magical horn up with purple light effects. "How dare you hurt my friend like that!"
"Hurt who?! I didn't do anything yet! She was flying towards me, and I just slightly stepped out of her way! W-what, was I suppose to just stand there and take it?"
"YES!" She screamed, shooting magic balls of light at me.
That's some fucked up logic bro.
I involuntarily flinched as I saw the magic missiles home in towards me, remembering the terrible terrible time I had back in Queen Sunbutt's care. But as the projectiles just fizzle out the moment they touch me, I couldn't help but wonder why it doesn't seem to work anymore.
A variable must have changed somewhere between my time here. A strange phenomenon that was curious enough to pique my curiosity as a scientist.
I really need to learn more about how magic works in this world.
But back at the matter at hand...
As Twilight starts looking flabbergasted at how none of her magic missiles had any effect on me, I pulled out a megaphone out of my ass and turned it on, causing a loud static screech to bounce around in the room and making everyone stop what they were doing.
I patiently waited for the noise of the loud static to subside, as well as everyone's pained groans. Then I calmly spoke into the megaphone. "EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP."
I patiently waited for the noise of the loud static to subside, as well as everyone's painful groans. Then I threw the megaphone out the window, which caused a cat to screech for some reason.
"Now, before any of you do anything that involves violence and bodily harm towards me," I gestured them to all calm down, "I propose a negotiation."
"Negotiating for what?" Twilight asked, glaring at me that was somewhat similar to Sunbutt's glare except not as intimidating.
"Why, for my hostage of course!" With that said, I pulled out a remote and pressed the ever living shit out of it.
All was silent as nothing happened immediately.
They traded glances with each other, then around the room, wondering what was supposed to happen.
I stuck to my button-pressing pose, weird maniacal smile and all.
Rainbow Dash steadily walked back over to the rest of them, holding her head as she tried to stop herself from losing balance. "Uh, what's going on now? I miss anything?"
Then, after it was already awkward enough, a minion-bot finally entered the room while pushing a TV set on wheels. After putting it to a comfortable spot so that everyone in the room could see it, he pressed the on switch and walked back the way he came.
The screen flickered on to reveal the terrible sight of DERPY HOOVES TIED UP IN A ROPE, INSIDE A METAL CAGE, HANGING ABOVE A WATER TANK FILLED WITH ELECTRIC EELS AND SHARKS, WITH A GIANT GAPING BLACK HOLE TO THE SIDE OF IT!
They all gasped in horror! Obviously falling into my ruse, and thus, falling into my evil manipulative hands!
"Wait, seriously?" The minion-bot head on the floor asked incredulously.
"Hello. My name is Derpy Hooves." Derpy slowly and emotionlessy spoke over the live recording, her eyes steadily moving right to left. "I am... being kept pr-prisoner... by the nefa--... nef- Uh...?"
"Nefarious."
"Nefarious... and evil emperor of all alien-ness, Evil Lord Emperor Connery NotEvilGuy. Please, oh please, Purple Horse Woman and Friends, do not listen to this f-f-fiend?"
"Yeah, fiend."
"Do not listen to this fiend, for he is definitely evil, and is most likely setting up an evil trap. And that is not very nice."
As Derpy finished her lines, I laughed diabolically and up the Ham factor to eleven. "MUAHAHAHAHA! Your friend here must be very clever than she looks if she had figured that out! Unfortunately for her, you ponies have no choice but to follow my every commands! That is, if you want her to live another day to see her children again!"
"What kind of monster are you to do this to an innocent pony?!" Twilight asked enraged.
"The evil kind, of course!" I chuckled evilly, "
Twilight does a thing. Thing don't work cuz magic. Connery pulls out remote from his ass. Tv shows up from out of nowhere. TV shows Derpy hanging above a tank full of sharks, eels, and pirahnas. Literally all six of the girls fall for it. "One of these days, I swear to god."
