Last time, on But I AM Evil!
Deep in the darkest realm of Tartarus, the clashing of swords could be heard. Throughout the underworld lay the many fallen bodies of demons and dark spirits. A battle takes place, between evil and slightly less evil but still sort of evil.
Atop a pillar in the sea of lava, stood the two battling swordsmen. With each strike of their swords, sparks fly. Both fight with tremendous grace and elegance. Just demon, and weird bald monkey thing.
Both had proven to be equally skilled in their attacks and defenses. When one aims at the heart, the other deflects and counters, which he then blocks. Both covered in sweat from the long battle, determined to keep fighting, and never giving up.
But the monkey's tired, he's being pushed further to the ledge of the pillar, as the violent waves of the lava sea rumble in hunger for his death.
To his unfortunate luck, he loses his balance and trips, half of his body leering over the edge, his skin nearly burning from being so close to the lava. The demon tries to swing his finishing move, but the monkey blocks it with all of his might, while doing his best to not push himself off the pillar and into a fiery death.
"You." The demon stops, to fulfill his curiosity. "I was mistaken to think of you as some mere powerless mortal. You have defeated my armies, and my best warriors. You even matched me in a sword battle. I have never been so exhilarated in all of my thousands of years in the underworld. But I'll admit, as much of the thrill of a challenge you are, you were still an unexpected distraction from my plans of taking the souls of the world above." He stares into the eyes of his rival. "Tell me mortal- no, I consider you an equal... Emperor Connery! Tell me emperor, what is it that motivates you so? What is it that can make you stare down hordes of demons and spirits and not flinch? How do you laugh at the face of death so easily? What sort of reason do you have that it would drive you to such lengths, just to stop me?"
...
"I."
The monkey grabs the demon's sword.
"WAS."
He set his foot underneath the demon's chest.
"BOOOOOOREEEEED!"
He kicks the demon off of him, with enough force to fling him over the monkey head, and into the fiery pits of the hellish lava it once came from.
The demon whispers his last words before being engulfed by the flames of the sea. "Such magnificence."
The shrill screams of the demonic being course throughout the entire realm as he reaches out his arm in vain, before it slowly sinks into the lava...
The monkey stands and watches for a moment, gazing into the sea of lava. Silent, emotionless.
...and then...
"Well, that was fun! So, we cool?" He crouchs down to ask.
"Heh, yeah, we cool." A thumbs up rises from out of the lava.
The minion-bot in the central command room was sleeping soundly until he was startled by a large pentagram burned into the middle of the room and a demonic portal appearing. He calmed down when he realized that it was his boss coming back from another adventure.
Walking through the portal was a sweaty, slightly burnt, Connery NotEvilGuy.
"So, where did you go this time? Hell?" The minion-bot chuckled.
"Eh. It wasn't as scary as people described it." Connery said in a bored tone, before walking off to get cleaned up.
"Right, right." The minion-bot said dismissively, going back to his nap.
...
"Wait, you actually went to hell?!?!"
Episode 6: *Witty Title Here*
It was a normal day in Ponyville, even though it wasn't.
Everypony in town was going through their daily morning activities. Walking about in town center, buying food from merchants, or just talking to their neighbors.
"WOO HOO!" A sudden cheer from above gained thier attention.
The ponies looked up to see a grey blur in the sky, leaving behind a trail of smoke clouds that dissipated a second later.
"This is amazing!" The grey blur cheered, flying loops through the air.
Those that wondered who the pony flying up there was, were surprised when they recognized the voice and the grey fur.
"Dear Celestia, is that Derpy?"
"What? That's her? No way it can be."
"Well I'll be darned. She's actually flying."
They watched in awe as the town's ditz flew with amazing precision and speed. Like some sort of aerial ballerina in the sky, who also happened to be on fire, and the only source of water was full of gasoline, and she's just screaming and hollering. Except with elegance and laughter. This metaphor seems to have trailed off.
As Derpy rocketed past, above the crowd, fliers dropped from her bag and onto the citizens.
Some of the townponies grabbed the fliers and decided to read out loud in a monotone voice.
"Special new coffee shop, grand opening today. Come to the 'Evil Coffee Shop' and invite your friends, your family, your family's friends, your friend's friends, your family's family, that last one didn't make sense actually, wouldn't they still count as your family? Anyway, come buy our special coffee, brewed by your local evil robots, created by the magnificent evil alien hiding behind that bush outside your house, watching and eavesdropping you on guys right this second."
"OH SHIT." A bush suddenly grew a pair of legs and ran off.
...
"We promise that our coffees are guaranteed for satisfaction, and are most definitely spiked with mind control juice to control your mind, to use you to take over the world. We definitely have that. Yep. But today, we will be having a special sale to celebrate our grand opening, and to welcome our newest employee, Derpy Hooves.
So... you know... Just... Come over here for coffee. Do it."
It was then, suddenly, everyone who read the fliers had the urge to go visit this new coffee shop.
"After reading this flier, I suddenly have this urge to go visit this new coffee shop."
And then they all went to the new coffee shop.
Hours earlier.
"Gah, friggin A... The heck is it?!" The evil emperor grunted, searching for a specific item in his inventions-inventory-gadget room thing.
After the successful attempt of recruiting Derpy to join the evil side, and also putting out the fire special effects (which he realized weren't special effects at all, it was real fire), Derpy was told to immediately start working on her new job as Lieutenant/MailPony/Chef/Henchman.
"Come on! I saw it in here 2 chapters ago! ... 3, if you counted the side-story... Cheesy Chrips!" Derpy's new boss muttered in frustration.
Derpy had no idea what she was doing here, or what Connery was planning to make her do. He said that he had a special assignment in mind, just for her, and that she was gonna need some special equipment for it. As she was carrying the familiar weight of a bag filled with papers, she guessed that it might involve mailing. But Derpy could only wonder what this equipment must be, and how it could help, as she stared in awe at all of the alien technology.
'Oh yeah, that's right.' Derpy thought to herself, as realization finally kicked in.
Her new boss was an alien.
She was just hired by an alien, that also claims to be an evil emperor.
He was also a tree.
...
Derpy's life was weird.
"THERE YOU ARE, YOU CRAFTY MOTHER OF DUCKS." He shouted, "You thought you could have escaped my sight, eh? YOU THOUGHT WRONG." Connery pulled a pair of alien shoes from... somewhere. He walked over to Derpy, "Here, try these thingamajigs on."
As he was putting the shoes on her hind legs, she asked, "What are these?"
"Something that can make you fly better. You said something about being unable to fly because you couldn't concentrate on both your sight and wings at the same time, right?" Connery tied the shoe-laces, although it still didn't seem like it would fit. "Well, if you were to only focus on the 'sight' part, and not have to worry about the 'flapping your wings' part, you'd probably be one of the best darn fliers out there."
When Connery finished tying her shoes, Derpy looked at them curiously, and asked, "But, how would I fly if I didn't focus on my wings too?"
"... Eugh, those shoes do not look good on you. I'm gonna have to make another pair that'll match your hair or something..." He grimaced. "Anyway, to answer your question, all I have to do is press this button here-"
*Beep*
"AH-"
*Crash*
Then Derpy crashed through a wall, and rocketed away into the sky.
"... Ooh... Maybe I should have warned her first..." Connery said, looking up at the Derpy shaped hole in the wall.
So, this was what was going through her head during the whole flight.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
CHIMNEY!
She dodged it.
OH CELESTIA, MERCHANT CART!
She dodged it.
GAH! TREES!
She dodged them.
AH! RANDOM FLIGHT TRAINING, CLOUD OBSTACLE COURSE!
She did well. I'd give her a 10/10.
WWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Ah, such a lovely and busy day. I kidnapped a mailmare in the morning, convinced her to join the dark side, rebuilt her house as my new coffee shop/luxury playground, and now me and my minion-bots are selling coffee. I looked over the cash register, to see how things were going. I saw an old guy, with his eyes barely open, ordering from my minion-bot.
"I want a chocolate sprinkled, cream filled, vanilla cake."
"Sir. For the last time, we do not sell cake! If you want cake, it'd be a better choice to go to Sugar-cube Corner!"
"But why don't you guys sell cake?"
"We're an Evil Coffee Shop. We are not a cake shop. If you want, we can probably make you some 'Doomnuts,' which are doughnuts that come in any flavor you want! How does that sound?"
"Eeehh, cake is more filling than doughnuts. What happened to that cute pink mare that usually works the cash register?"
"... She works at Sugar-cube Corner. The one across the street? The shop that's been here for the past couple of years, before this place was built?!
"Uh... so, if you don't have vanilla, do you have strawberry cake?"
"..." The minion-bot gave a deadpanned look over to me, that just said, "I was created for this sole purpose? You bastard," before sighing and getting back to work.
"It's like we never even left Cluetopia." I chuckled.
Old people are awesome, with them and their senile behavior. I'm going to hell for laughing at a disability, though.
I looked around and saw a good amount of ponies chatting up, drinking coffee, eating food, and having a good time.
"Heheh, can you believe the names of these foods?" Said an unimportant background character, holding a menu and reading it. "Evil Latte? Mwuhaha Mocha? Corrupto Cappuccino? Espressonator? Malicious Frappuccino? Dastardly Hay-burgers? Doomnuts? It's so weird!"
"Yes, I know. You didn't have to say all of them out loud. I can read too." Said unimportant background character's best friend.
I was so glad that all these ponies cared for Derpy enough to visit this place and try out the coffee, on their own free will, with no evil hypnotic fliers to manipulate their choices. At all. None. (I lied.)
Oh, I can't wait to see the look on her and her daughter's faces when they all get home and see this! Especially Dinky. Oh, Dinky, that adorable little diabeetus inducing, adorably adorable, diabeetus pony. Oh, I remembered a few days ago, when we first met.
"Connery, this is Dinky. Dinky, this is Connery HappyTreeGuy!" Derpy introduced us.
The little pinkish pony squeaked excitingly, "You're a tree?!"
I only stared at her for 10 long seconds before exclaiming, "You are an adorable little diabeetus inducing, adorably adorable, diabeetus pony. I love you, and you will now be my special hat pony forever." I immediately picked her up and put her on my head, as she giggled happily.
And thus a beautiful friendship was born.
*PiPiPiPiPi*
Taking out my walky-talky, I pressed the button and responded. "Hallo! Ist es über den Mangel an Zuckerguss? Wenn dem so ist, bin ich nicht der Schuldige."*Bzzt*
*Bzzt*"I- Um... What?"*Bzzt*
*Bzzt*"I said hello!"*Bzzt*
*Bzzt*"...Right. Anyway sir, the lieutenant's daughters have arrived. What are your commands?"*Bzzt*
Speak of the devil.
*Bzzt*"Send them to the guest room! I'll be there to give the tour around their new coffee-mansion-home thing once their mom comes home."*Bzzt*
*Bzzt*"Of course, sir. On an unrelated note, the minion-bots from the kitchen have reported that our supply of frosting has somehow gone missing. What do you-"
*Bzzt*"NopeIknownothingbyebye"*Bzzt*
I hastily threw the walky-talky out a nearby window, which made a cat screech for some reason.
Welp, time to wait for Derpy to come back.
"ACHOO!" I sneezed.
Ugh. That was a strange and random sneeze. I hope it's only a normal sneeze, caused by allergies, and not a sign that I'm about to be in a serious flu from being in an alien universe for so long.
Because that would suck.
Twilight Sparkle, town librarian, Princess's pupil, wielder of the Element of Magic, bookworm, closet-fan of Karma Sutra- Actually that last one is a complete invasion of her privacy, and I am so sorry for that. Please forget that last part.
Any-doodle, Twilight was out in the merchant street, buying things to prepare herself for some overnight camping out in the Everfree Forest, in order to spy on and gain information about the new alien that had arrived to her world. Because, you know, fuck privacy, amirite?
As Twilight was looking around for animal-catching gear to kidnap some robots if the situation called for it, she noticed that there were ponies gasping in awe at the sky. She heard a few mentioning Derpy, the mailmare. Curious of what got their attention, she looked up as well, and saw a grey blur, dashing across the sky, leaving behind a trail of smoke. "What the..." She asked herself.
As the grey blur zoomed above her, a piece of paper landed on her face. Using her horn to levitate it off, she saw that it was actually a flier for some new coffee shop. But before she would dismiss it, she realized that this new coffee shop had a strange title. "Evil Coffee Shop" it called itself.
Then after reading more of the flier, she realized that this coffee shop was owned by the aliens! They said something about Derpy being their new employee, and that they've rebuilt her home into the coffee shop in question.
This alluring and sexy piece of paper had somehow convinced her to check out this new coffee shop, and that those aliens had probably kidnapped Derpy! Which he did, but, she didn't mind, so, yeah.
"I have to tell the others." She said to herself, putting the flier in her mouth and galloping back to the library.
Hm... I wonder how Derpy would have gotten along in life, had I not been here?
Whenever I look at Derpy, I see this sad person, who was living the wrong life, at the wrong time. A hard-working person that didn't deserve the stress and pain of life. She was the type of person that didn't deserve to go on, day by day, trying to survive another sad and stressful day. To look up and just hope for a better tomorrow, but realizing that it might not ever come, no matter how long you wait. If this continued for another few years, I wouldn't be surprised if she just suddenly gave up...
If you were to live in such a life, you would have grown up to be cold and cynical. Yet, Derpy had been doing this for who knows how long, and she's ever the optimist. She's strong willed, that girl.
Sort of reminded me of how I met and helped Alice with her life. Hm... Been thinking about her alot, lately...
"ACHOO!"
Oh god, second sneeze definitely signified bad stuff happening. Never in my life as an evil emperor, have I gotten 2 random sneezes and NOT gotten fucked by it.
Speaking of Derpy, I saw a grey blur out the window, getting slightly closer.
Going outside, I waited for a moment for Derpy to arrive, as she skillfully hovered and landed in front of me. I held up a number 10 sign for her, before throwing it away. "Heya Derpy! How are you liking the equipment I gave you?"
"It's great! I don't have to worry about trying to concentrate on flapping my wings! I've never been able to fly like this in all of my life!" Derpy was practically gushing over the shoes. "These are the best things I've ever had!"
"Glad to hear that. Come walk with me, and tell me about your day." I told her, walking into her house/mansion/coffeeshop/thing.
"Alright. Well, I told everyone from my old workplace about my new job!"
"Oh? How did they take the news?"
"AAARRRRRIBBAA!"
"FIESTA PARTY TO CONGRATULATE DERPY'S NEW JOB!"
"CONGA LINE!"
"I SAVED SOME CONFETTI FOR JUST THIS SPECIFIC OCCASION! WOOHOOHOOHOO!"
"I'VE INSTALLED A DISCO-BALL FOR JUST THIS SPECIFIC OCCASION!"
"DERPY GET'S A NEW JOB! ALL IS WELL TODAY!"
"They took it well, considering."
"That's good."
ACHOO!
... Fuck.
And that's the end of that.
Next time, on But I AM Evil!
Out there, in the house of an animal care-taker, a loud boom was heard. There was a blinding light, strong gusts of wind, and a really really big blue hole in the middle.
And then, as sudden as it came, it stopped.
The care-taker of the house slowly crept outside, scared out of her wits from the sudden disturbance, but her instinct to take care of her animals overpowered her fear.
As she crept closer and closer to the river, where it appeared, she asked quietly, "H-Hello?"
That was when she saw an injured duck, with a cape, laying on the shore of the river. She quickly rushed to its side, all fear subsiding, her motherly instinct taking over at full force.
"Are you ok?!" She asked it, cradling it's head over her hooves.
It opened it's eyes slowly, and it quacked out weakly. "Quack."
I wanted to do another minion-bot dancing scene, but I had no idea how to do that. So, yeah.
Can't wait for next chapter. Sorry if it was uneventful. Hope next chapter is better.
Oh dear, it seems Connery might have the same weakness as the aliens from
SignsWar of the Worlds.Really shitty timing with that ball too.
darkwing duck?
I see... Don't wan't to be inducted into the LoHAV?
*UFO appears above you and abducts you*
Then we'll abduct you into the LoHAV!
I really hate it when people dislike my story without even leaving an explanation of why.
I mean, did you dislike it because it had bad words? Is it because my character is a human in Equestria? Did you even read the story at all, or did you just glance at the cover art and thought, "Wow, this person must like to murder puppies and eat shit because he made this story. I'm gonna assume it's a piece of shit without reading, and dislike it and hope the author dies in the fiery pits of hell."
I'm sure I'm exaggerating, but seriously. I just feel so damn irritated that I'm getting bad ratings without any critique to go with it. Not only that, but I'm sure that most of the dislikes are because of the genre and premise itself, and not because they actually read any of it. I wouldn't have to assume so, if you actually left behind a comment saying WHY. *Sigh.* Can't go anywhere without hate and prejudice, I guess... Even on a community like this...
I guess same goes for Likes too. Although not necessary, I would also appreciate why some of you like it. That way, I can keep doing what you like, so that you stay liking it for as long as possible. Thanks, you guys. You really don't know how much it means to me, when I get praise and love for doing something I like to do.
Gotta love that Veigar reference in the title!
4690332
To answer your query, I like this fic for something that words cannot explain.
i67.photobucket.com/albums/h318/Shipwreck1/Goddamn%20ponies/1297054388134.jpg
I lied, they totally could.
This story is so full of fuck that it makes me feel warm inside.
Or that could be heartburn.
Either way it is random and I love it for that.
mojo.dailybruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/michaelscott_zps2585c686.gif
Fuck Captain Duck and his Duckiness
4690332 I don't normally comment on stories I like main because anything I could say has already been said and done better. But my reason for enjoyment is its just plain silly and I can always do with more silly.
..I wanna hug Alice. I get the feeling something bad happened.
4690332
There are times when the story does feel a little TOO crazy. Like sure craziness is fun and all that but it should probably have some level of substance. A little more detail here and there would help even if the MC is being crazy and not paying any attention to some of the occurrences around him.
Like I thought the interactions with Celestia were great because you could just see the frustration and know why it was happening. I wana give her some rocky road icecream so bad right now.
I can't remember exactly what parts I felt were a little off and too nutty but I think it was the chapters right before the writers block hit you (or at least the writers block you put in the titles).
I liked the story so far and I'm hoping you use the duck because DEAR GOD I WILL CRY IF YOU DO NOT TAKE THIS DUCK PLOT SOMEWHERE AND MAKE IT MAGNIFICENT.
I really like this fic, it's interesting and different! (if a little disjointed, but who cares! That just makes it bit more awesome in my opinion!!!) Although I personally think that this fic would benefit greatly from more obvious plot direction, for example: we know that Celestia can't stand Connery, but we haven't heard anything from her, wouldn't she send guards out to find him, or mercenaries or something of the like? Now understand that I'm not telling you to drop all the random shit that happens at all, I personally like it, but I also think that you should start forming more of a coherent plot (I have a basic understanding of where you are taking this story, but the details of how it gets from beginning to end are confusing), as I mentioned earlier, maybe you have Celly send guards out to find Connery, and completely fail thus forcing her to hire mercenaries or assassins to take care of Connery (and completely fail, but that's besides the point).
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE this fic, but I think that the plot needs a bit more structure, that's all. This is just constructive criticism and food for thought, ignore what I say or implement my suggestions into this fic, just keep writing what you want to write and it will be awesome nonetheless!! Keep it up you crazy awesome bastard!!!
Oh, and one more thing...............I WANT MORE ALICE!!!!
4690332 dude robot dancing in front of the coffie shop bro
Be careful, that duck will f##k you up.
4690332
esquire.com/cm/esquire/images/ip/no1_terminator2.gif
I like it for the crazy fun and it also has a certain charm of its own.
Found this story amazing! Though I personally hope to see more Alice! *SQUEE* and some more of that evil cape duck... thing...
4691548 Hm... that could help a bit... I'll be sure to think of a few scenes for that.
4692386 K! Glad I could help!
Hurry Captain Duck, You must save us before it's too late
4694212 ...save us from what exactly?
4694372 EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLL!!!
Conga Line?
4694811 what evil?
4696906 Connery NotEvilGuy EEEEEEEEEEEEVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLL
4697171 ... ... ...why would we need to be saved from him? you're not really making any sence
You asked abou whether we want more Alice before. I don't mind further appearances in the least, she contrasts extremely well with Connery's obliviousness.
4697628 NETHER DOSE THIS STORY
4698717 I think it makes sence.
4708963 No problem, it was a good story but it was only my opinnion after i stop
At least he did not cough, that would have been a death knell.
I like this story because it reminds me of my one of my favorite manga, One Punch Man. Not with the action, or having the ability to take out any villain with one punch. But with the random silly comedy and the repetitive repetition. One Punch Man has gone twenty pages, ten sets of pictures that take up two full pages, with no text, and only slight changes to the pictures on much more than one occasion. So, for twenty pages you are looking at the same picture ten times with only the slightest alterations. It is a running gag. It was not funny the first time it happened, however each time it happened it go more and more funny. Although this is not like that in that aspect, this was funny from the beginning.
KBO.
4715230 Heh, been wondering where you were. I will keep KBO then.
...
4917316 That's very informative of you, thanks!
Hopefully, that means you were speechless from the sheer awesomeness, and not silently judging me because of my choice of writings.
...
Please don't hate me.
4917806 Just checking if you were alive... and now I go back to silently judging you. If only you knew why...
Next chapter's gonna be about a little girl feeding a duck.
Get excited.
4954465 Woohoo
4690332 i really hate it when authors make comments like this. there are countless reasons why someone wouldn't want to, or not be able to, comment on a story they dislike. they could be a introvert for all you fucking know, or have crippling social anxiety. and you would just be making them feel worse about it.
I have a bad feeling about this. I mean if our duck hero here does fight against his 'evil' doesn't that mean it essentially destroys everything good Connery does? Would he destroy Derpy's home and make her and her daughter homeless? Arrest her and throw Derpy in a dank cell, taking her daughter away from her? Destroying her life? Those are the questions I can't help but ask since if our hero duck is the opposite of Connery it must be a real mean hero!
I traded vegeta
I traded vegeta for this