05 - If You Drink 2 More Bottles, The Plot Might Makes Sense. (Redux Edition)
White.
I woke up, and found myself in an empty void. All I could see was white. Miles and miles away, it was all white. All around me, white...
Very... white.
So... fucking... white.
Too... much... white-
DEAR GOD THIS WAS SO BORING! AT LEAST GIVE ME SOME CRAYOLA CRAYONS WHILE I'M HERE!
This had to be Hell. I was probably in hell. I always thought that Hell would be a red color, or at least dark and scary. But no, I got eye-sore white. Maybe this was worse than hell? Was I so evil, that Hell didn't even want me, so they sent me to this purgatory?!
"Welcome."
"HOLY TRUMPET SHIT!" Startled from the voice behind me, I instinctively turned around and threw whatever I had in my hand at the time.
The ice cream phased through the target and landed on the invisible white-ground behind.
Floating there in front of me was a big purple sphere. I felt relieved looking at it, just because it was a big contrast from the boring white void around me.
Although it didn't have a face or mouth at all, it talked to me somehow.
"Did... Did you just throw ice cream at me?" It asked in an incredulous tone.
"Well, it was your fault for startling me!"
"But... How did you even get ice cream in... I... Never mind." He said, or at least I think it was a he. His voice was like the voice of a deep booming magician, ready to perform a trick.
Five more different colored spheres appeared, forming a circle around me. They were mesmerizing to watch, radiating their colors. It was almost hypnotic.
"What... are you?" I asked, filled with curiosity and wonder.
"We are the spirits that reside in the Elements of Harmony. Let us introduce ourselves."
"I am Loyalty, the element that would never betray those I call my allies."
"I am Kindness. My element exists to help those in need, and prevent malicious behavior."
"I am Honesty, as I clear away lies and deceit, and lead the journey only to the truth."
"I am Generosity. I help resist the temptation of greed, and prevent corruption."
"I am Laughter. I heal the pain and misery of the depressed, and shall always bring forth happiness."
"And I am the final element, Magic. I am the power used to protect loved ones, and banish evil. Together, our powers protect the land of Equestria, so that it may have everlasting peace, harmony, and friendship. We have come to-"
Before the purple sphere could continue, it was interrupted by the sound of a thump, and loud snoring.
I fell asleep halfway through all that boring monologue, and was now resting comfortably face-first on the invisible floor.
"He fell asleep? How did he fall asleep?! We're in the deep consciousness of his mind! No one can get sleepy in here!" Honesty stated.
"I'm still wondering how he brought along ice cream with him."
"HE BROUGHT ALONG ICE CREAM INTO HIS OWN HEAD?!"
"Yep. Rocky Road is what it was called. He threw it at me. Remarkably delicious, though! It's been millennia since I've tasted a sweet treat." Magic said nostalgically.
"Brothers? Shouldn't we wake him up?" Generosity pointed out.
"Oh, right. Of course."
Magic floated towards my sleeping body, and shouted in his loudest voice possible, "WAKE UP!"
"HE HAD A MUSTACHE!" I jolted awake from my slumber. Getting up, I rubbed my eyes a bit, and looked around to notice the sphere thingies around me. "Sorry, I fell asleep after 'introduce ourselves.' *Yawn* Where am I again?" I asked, stretching myself.
Laughter giggled, "Heheh! I like this one."
"Well, we're not going to waste our time introducing ourselves again, so we might as well continue." Magic sighed, exasperated.
"Long story short, we have waited for your arrival, so that we could gift you with our powers."
"Long ago, a prophecy predicted that a great and disastrous warlock would come to wreak havoc and destruction upon the land of Equestria."
"It is said that not even all of the most powerful alicorns combined could stop the warlock, and that those who try were destined to fail."
"But there was only one being, one hope, that could stop him. As the prophecy foretold, the Elements of Harmony would one day be used against the Chosen One."
"But instead of sealing you in stone, we would come to your aid, and guide you in your journey to stop the warlock."
"We will bless you with the gift of immunity to magic, so that you will not be harmed by anyone who would try to stop you in your quest."
"You are our only hope, our only savior, and our only Hero that can SAVE EQUE-"
"WOAH! HOLD ON A MOMENT!" I interrupted. "I'm the hero?! The good guy?" I said with disbelief.
"Um... of course. That's what we're trying to say." Magic awkwardly fidgeted.
"But I'm evil! I don't want to save this place, I want to conquer it, and become the evil emperor!"
"But... that can't be! You can't possibly be evil! The prophecy said that you are our savior!"
"But I AM Evil!!!" I yelled to get my point across.
They were all silent from my outburst. They looked confused, stunned, and shocked... as magical spheres, somehow. After a few moments, Magic said, "Excuse us for a moment," before they all huddled together, and frantically whispered to each other.
"Okay, something is obviously wrong here. He just called himself evil? What do we do?"
"Well, he doesn't seem to be lying to us. He looked like he really, actually believes that he's evil."
"But that's impossible. I already checked him multiple times, I don't sense any evil or darkness in his heart."
"Well obviously, someone is wrong here!"
"Wait, wasn't the name of the chosen one 'Shield of Hope?' The prophecy told us his name."
"We never actually asked for his name, we just assumed that he was the chosen one."
"Let me check. I'll ask him." Magic floated out of their huddle slightly, and asked loudly, "Hey! What was your name again?"
"My name is Evil Lord Emperor Connery NotEvilGuy!" I yelled back at him.
"Okay, cool!" Magic floated back into their huddle again, "Okay, so we got the wrong one."
"I actually had a feeling it was. Didn't the prophecy describe him as a bipedal cat, with white fur, and a long tail?"
"But he looks absolutely nothing like that! What are we going to do?"
"You know, I say to Tartarus with this. Let's just say he's close enough, and pretend that he really is the chosen one."
"Isn't that a bit irresponsible for us? I mean, we are kinda resting the entire fate of Equestria on his shoulders."
"Do you know how much trouble it took to get this far? We've already wasted enough magic and energy just to communicate with him as spirits, and now it'll take another millennium or so to be able to do it again! Besides, I'm sure he'll do a fine job. He seems nice enough."
"The guy that proclaimed himself as an evil emperor seems 'nice enough?'"
And here I was, awkwardly standing alone by myself. Just watching all of this.
They continued for a little while longer, and I kinda spaced out during most of it. After a while, they were finally done with their conference and formed a circle around me again.
"Okay, so we talked about it with each other, and we unanimously decided..." He hesitated for a moment, before rapidly shouting, "You're our Chosen one, no takesy backsy. QUICKLY DO IT NOW!"
"Wait what?"
Before I could even react, they all blasted me with magic beams, and I was sky-rocketed into a bright flash of light.
"Ta-ta! Good luck saving Equestria! Oh, and you might feel a slight magic surge when you wake up, but it'll only last for a few seconds!" Was the last thing I heard before I woke up in the real world.
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You might wanna change the yellow text cause i could hardly read it. But otherwise good chapter!
Next time you decide to use colored text, please don't use yellow. Bright light yellow text on white background don't mix well together.
WTF just happened?
Is it bad that I gave an awesome voice to each of the Elements?
Magic is Kratos
Loyalty is DBZA's Vegeta
Kindness is Cry
Honesty is Asura
Generosity is Kronk
Laughter is DBZA's Nappa
My headcanon for the voices of the element's spirits is amazing, is it not?
3602809
HAHA! Suddenly imagining their voices in the story makes me laugh so hard!
Don't worry, TheNextGamer. We don't know what you're doing either.
We would like you to keep doing it, though.
3602802
Shit happened. Apparently.
Yunno what?... I Feaking love this story
mustache to you kind sir
Haha, can't wait to see their reactions.
Drei, Zwei, Eins... Blitzkrieg!!!
Just thought I'd yell that
Feels like I'm reading One Piece...
Ok, this is fun! I'mma poke you in the eye!
These two lines are missing close quotations.
The close quote should be on the outside of the period.
HA! He said the thing!
3602777>>3602799 You could always highlight the yellow text.
Lazy, lazy elements. Yet another bizarre chapter. There is nothing wrong with bizarre. Bizarre is cool. KBO.
3603288 i was on my ipod at the time that I read this
I know this is a comedy, but I find Celestia unnecessary cruel. I mean, first allowing Connery to escape the cell hundred of times just to have the excuse to inflict magical tortures on him (freeze, transformation into frog, induced pain), then asking the Elements to put Connor into stone under no crime but to claim to be "evil".
3603470
Meh. At least they become friends in the future.
3603266
lurkmore.so/images/f/fb/OP2.jpg
3603499 yep, that's One Piece for you ( looking back at the first chapters of One Piece and compareing it with how it is now... the begining was frikin tame! )
Yay,Title drop!
3602880
Confucius say: Shit happens.
Catholics say: If Shit happens, you deserve it.
Atheists say: I can't believe this shit.
Agnostics say: Can you prove that shit?
Scientologists say: Your shit is just cosmic recycling.
3603829
Gamerists Say: FUCKING PIECES OF HORSE SHIT!!!
3603499
Hehe, nice picture. My gaming sessions usually look like that.
Awesome new chapters. As for the characters acting slightly weird like some have pointed out, I just roll with it. This is clearly a comedy and let's not forget it's the Evil guy with Evil in his name telling the story. It's also hillarious how the Elements decide he's close enough to what they're looking for in the Chosen One. Probs for using that cliché as well. I love all the references.
Laziness.
It affects everyone.
How come they didnt make the element of laziness yet, it's the single most strong thing ever
3603863
No. This is what Gamers... ists say: YOU COCK SUCKING MOTHER HUMPING CUNT LICKING HACKING ASSED TIT FACED BUTTHURT SIX YEAR OLD MOMMY-LOVING SHIT NOZZLED CUNT NOSED BRATTY CRAPPY NIPPLE TWISTED TITTY FUCKING SUXKER FATTY ASSHOLE-LICKING PIECE OF MOTHERFUCKING SHIT THAT YOUR MOM DECIDED RATED SLIGHTLY ABOVE THE OTHERS!
*huff*
*huff*
and you're adopted.
*ragequit*
3603947
Laziness, the true mother of invention.
Look at the facts: Why did we create fire? We were too lazy to warm ourselves. Why did we get stone tools? Because we were too lazy to fight with our bare hands. Why did we make religion? Because we were too lazy to look for the truth. Why did we create guns? We were too lazy to fight with swords. Why did we create the computer? Because we were too lazy to get off our asses and go to conventions and talk. Why did we create the internet? Because we were too lazy to go find a real girlfriend/boyfriend(depending upon who you are) to fuck and decided to fuck ourselves.
3603966
Eh... no.
My religion ain't that violent.
3603991
...
And I'm really a cartoon horse that wields a crowbar.
I'm a gamer.... ist... too. No need to sugar coat it for the less knowledgeable out there.
3603998
No you aren't. Not yet anyways.
http://steamcommunity.com/groups/gamerist
3604005
Oh.
Right.....
Uhhh...
Hey look, a flying flamigo turd using aimbot!
3603987 Why did they create the Elements of Harmony? Because Celestia is too lazy to fight some secondary evil guys and continue with banana jokes and cannons
Cant wait for celestias reaction
3604042
lol
3602777 I changed my background to black after a while, barely any text hurts mah eyes anymore
Does this mean Connery gets magical powers?
3604665
NO.
Or at least, I hope not.
Connery: Dammit to fuck!
Twilight: Why didn't the Elements of Harmony work?
Connery: Because I'm apparently pony Jesus. I swear if any of you try to nail me to a piece of wood I'm burning this world to the ground.
3603288
Actually, that's a discrepancy between American and British English, and is often anyways a choice of style of the author either way. Consistency is preferred to being correct.
3604670
How about one of those magic powers that are nigh useless until the user realizes that the powers have so much potential for
goodevilthings.3604496
But I also use a white background and I'm a stubborn @#$&. Maybe I'll add "write a script which recolors text on FiMFiction to ensure a minimum acceptable contrast" to my TODO list.
please no more yellow text
3605152
NonEvil: "Hey, Pinkie, did you know you can acess the Ice Cream Parlor throught your mind too?"
"Well duuuh" (rolling eyes and pulling another ice cream from her hair"
(Celestia hitting her head against a wall)
3604665
Even better:
Meaning, Celestia is fucked
3605278 Inconsistency is the problem.
3606846>>3605278
What the hell are you guys talking about?
3606887 See 3603288
Anything in particular this is referencing?
3607978
I'll be honest, I just pulled this one out of my ass.
But if you want to pretend, I can say that I referenced a Skyrim character. Which character? Whichever one is the white cat with long tail.
3606365
The ultimate definition of a backfiring not-as-planned.
3608275
i1.ytimg.com/vi/ukPTDw9Mm_Y/maxresdefault.jpg