11 - Ain't No Coffee Shop Like A Connery Coffee Shop...
By the way, I really am writing about Derpy. I CHEATED YOU AGAIN! MUAHAHAHAHA!
Last time, on But I AM Evil!
The dark and stormy night descended upon us as I walked up to the one person that I never would have suspected, ever, in my entire life.
"So it was you this whole time?" I asked, relatively calm outwards, but shocked inside. There was no way it could be her...
"Yes detective... it was me all along... I killed her." The mistress answered, no emotion in her words.
"My god... I can't believe it... I thought I knew you, but..."
"You THOUGHT you knew me. It was just a facade this whole time..." I couldn't make out any expression in her face.
"But... why? Why do this? And then hire me to seek the killer? What was the point in all this?"
"... It was the only way to meet you."
What?
"What do you mean?!"
"Can't you see? You were always in my mind, even before we ever met! I've always dreamed of meeting you in person! All those stories, all those adventures!" She had awe in her voice. She slowly stepped towards me. "I knew that you would never come here unless something caught your interest! So I had to do it to meet you! You've stolen my heart... and when we'd finally gotten to know each other, my love grew for you..."
She wrapped me in her arms, gazing at me with those love-struck eyes. I found myself staring back, as it was too hypnotic to look away. "I love you... so much..."
"But... you know that I can't keep this a secret, right? I have to tell all of them the truth... it's my job..."
"... I know. I just wanted to say this to you before we parted. I'm sorry."
To think that one would go to such lengths just to meet me... One so beautiful... One so angelic... We stared into each other's eyes for so long.
Then...
"Elise..."
"Conner..."
Our lips were just inches apart.
"Elise..."
"Conner..."
...
"'And then we kissed on that fateful night, in the rain, for as long as we could. Hoping the moment would last forever.'" The blue minion-bot closed the book, and looked at his friend. "So, whatcha think?"
"... I'm gonna go kill myself. Be back in a minute." The red minion-bot said bluntly, walking off.
"Oh come on! It wasn't that bad! DUDE! ... *Sigh* Well, at least you like it, right boss?" he asked, glancing at the emperor.
"How come this Detective Conner guy is so dense? I mean, Elise was obviously hitting on him for the first 4 chapters! Yet he never even notices! Freakin' dumbass." The emperor grunted as he continued to read the robot's fanfiction.
...
"Well, at least you like it."
Episode 5: Meeting The Mailmare
It was a normal day in Ponyville- HAHAHA No it wasn't.
I had just woken up in the morning, as graceful and majestic as any human being with an alarm clock.
*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*
"MOTHERFUCKING SON OF A BITCH"
*Crashing noises. Window breaking. Bed exploding. Cat meowing. Cat screeching. Noun adverb.*
Which is, evidently, none at all.
I face-planted conveniently on a big target sign on the floor, with a big red button within arms reach.
And like any truly brilliant scientist, we always want to act like that brilliant bastard Herman.
"BOMBS AWAY!" I said in a muffled voice, face still on the floor, as I press the big red button.
Pee Wee Herman, specifically.
The panel descending with me still laying on it, as I await for my normal morning spruce up routine.
Giant mechanical arms appeared out of the walls and carried me to my restroom. I was stripped of my clothes, and put in the middle of the room. I spread my arms out, and prepared for the massive showering. Warm water shot out of the walls all around me, drenching my body completely wet. After that, the walls started to shower me with soap and shampoo, the panel spinning around underneath me.
Two mechanical arms then scrubbed me clean with brushes, never missing a single spot. I got drenched in water again to wash away the leftover soap bubbles. A giant hairdryer slid out from the floor and activated, cold wind blasting towards me that slowly became warmer with each passing second.
After I was completely dry, I stepped onto a conveyor belt leading to the clothing room.
A vast amount of clothing zipped past me, all hung on their own clothing lines.
A computer screen popped out before me, and on the interface was a smiley face. "Morning boss. Sleep well? :)"
"Eh, it was uneventful." I shrugged
"Heh, I know that feeling. :\ So, what kind of evil suits are you in the mood for? Dark wizard? Mad scientist? Evil fancy rich suit?" The computer screen switched to the many images of available clothes.
Swiping around a bit, I felt like going in old classic style.
"Hm... Got any steam-punk Victorian themed?"
"Ooh, feeling gadgety today? :3 What color?"
"Evil."
"Black and white it is. :P"
The computer screen showed the image of the clothes I desired, a cool, black, V-neck vest with dress pants and a button-up shirt. Real Victorian era stuff.
The conveyor belt stopped me between two giant pistons, which then smashed together with me in between. As the pistons pulled away, I was dressed in my new fancy suit, including a blue tie for some reason.
"The tie was my final touch on it. It'll match the goggles that she gave you. :)"
"Oh, thanks!"
"Anytime. See-ya later boss!" The computer said his farewells as I continued on the conveyor belt.
The belt stopped as I reached the final part of my morning routine, a fire pole leading down to my gadget room.
"Weeeeeee!" I squeed as I slid down.
The gadget room was filled with all the inventions I have made in my entire life. From the lazer-guns, to my destructo-fists, to even my newer inventions, the rocket-shoes! Although, there was one piece of gear in particular that I never actually made, but still cherished it with all of my being.
Remember when I mentioned my "Evil Goggles™?" In a way, yes, it is available in all stores except Walmart. (Y'know, evil shit and stuff.) What you didn't know, is that Walmart is the only existing store in Cluetopia. These goggles are actually one of a kind, hand made by my close friend, Alice. Using the knowledge of engineering that I taught her, she made a fully functioning zoom-able set of goggles from just pure scraps of metal in my lab. It was a surprise gift for my birthday. I loved it, and wore it on my head everyday, even if I didn't actually use it that often. I still do to this day, just to remind myself of her and the times we spent together.
... Man, I miss her.
Strapping the goggles onto my forehead, I took out and donned my glasses, and inspected the many weapons I had, opting to just taking a stun-gun before leaving.
Exiting the gadget room, I appeared in the lounge of my evil lair. I made way for the kitchen, as all of my minion-bots greeted me, each in their own personal way.
"Yo boss!"
"Hey leader! How's it going?"
"Greetings leader. I trust you're doing well?"
"Sup dude?"
"Good morning emperor!"
"Hey Connery. Nice choice of clothes today."
As I entered the kitchen room, I pressed another big red button, in which triggered a huge domino effect. Pressing the button opened a small door, which had a ball inside, which rolled down a slide, which knocked over eggs into a frying pan, which landed on a mouse trap, which popped a balloon, which dropped a piece of string attached, which landed on a lit fireplace, which was actually a fuse that ignited, which slowly lit the rest of the fuse, which-
*BOOM*
.... Damn you Rube Goldberg...
"Man, this is such a wonderful day!" I said to myself, as I walked happily through the empty streets of Ponyville in the morning. "The birds are drowsy, the sun is almost shining-ish! Nothing could get any better!"
"LOOK OUT!"
"Huzzy what now?"
I look upwards to see some kind of grey object that was about to collide with my face.
Oh no! How will I ever avoid this? It's coming at me so quickly and I have the reaction time of a dead cat and - yeah fuck that.
I just stepped to the left a bit. Thing flew by my face and collided with a mailbox like Wile E. Coyote running head-first into a wall. Seriously, all I had to do was step a little bit to the left, is it really so hard to avoid something flying into your face? Damn idiots.
I looked at the object in interest, when I discovered that it was actually one of the ponies here. She got up from the collision, and whispered, "Oh no..." when she saw the broken mailbox.
Nearby, the door of a house opened, as a bearded pony looked upon the mess and shouted, "AGAIN?!"
"Tree-mode activated." Gluing ton of leaves and sticks to myself and putting on The Awesome Face mask. I camouflaged PERFECTLY into the setting. Just hope no one looks too closely at me.
"I- I'm sorry Mr. Walkaway! I didn't mean to break your mailbox again!"
"That's what you said last time! And the time before that when you broke my window, and the time before that when you demolished my door!" The old pony shouted, making the poor girl cringe every time his voice rose. "I’ve had it with you breaking my property every time you deliver my mail! I forgave you the first time, even the second time. But it gets annoying after the third time, and increasingly aggravating the next eleven times! I am not made of bits, Derpy. I can't afford to fix another piece of broken property caused by you!"
"Well m-maybe I could-"
"NO! The last time you tried to fix something, you caused more damage in the process! I don't need help, I don't want help, I just want you to stop delivering my mail!"
There was a moment of cold silence. But I could hear the faint sobs from the grey mare. She was doing her best to hold it in, but it wasn't good enough.
The old pony sighed, calming down a tad. "I'm sorry for yelling at you, Derpy. It's just- You have to understand that your condition is the cause of all this."
Condition?
"But I can see just fine!"
"No, Derpy. Just, please. I know that you're trying your best to do your job, support your family, but how can you expect to support them when you can barely fly straight?" The old pony sighed once more, before continuing. "I'm not doing this to be mean to you Derpy. I think of you as a good acquaintance. Heck, we might have been closer friends in different circumstances. But please understand when I try to tell you this. Please, send somepony else to deliver my mail. Ok?"
"*Sniff.* O-ok..." The mare- Derpy, as she was called, wiped her eyes.
"Thank you. But hey, who knows? You might even get a better job at some point! One that pays higher than being a mailmare. You're new boss might even be some lovable maniac who's also a wierd alien thing from another universe... Also afraid of ducks with capes... Look on that bright side, eh? See you later Derpy." The old guy walked back inside his house, leaving the sniffling mare behind on the road.
Aw... poor girl.
I looked around to check if anyone was around, and quickly hopped towards her, still in my fool-proof tree disguise, mask and all. "Hello little lady! Are you ok?"
Derpy turned around and was surprised to see a tree talking to her. "Who are you?"
"Why, I'm Connery HappyTreeGuy! The magical talking happy tree!" I did a little jiggle to emphasize.
"Well, at least you're feeling happy..." She faced back down again, her voice in a depressed tone.
I turned around quickly to redraw my mask with a sad face, then faced her again. "What seems to be bothering you little lady? Are you feeling under the weather?"
"Well...*sniff* it's nothing for you to worry about. It's a stupid problem anyway."
"Come now." I take my hand to face her head towards me. "Look at me for a- Oh! Holy crap, those eyes!"
AAANND there she goes, crying again.
"OH! No! Nonononono, I didn't mean that in a bad way! Oh balls, damn you Connery. Please don't cry anymore! I'm sorry!"
My futile attempts to calm her down were for naught, as I was doing everything I could to stop her from crying.
"Please! Uh... Would you stop crying for an ice cream? Um, how about some cake? Creamy goodness!"
Nope. Still no effect. By this point, my mask had a desperate face on it.
"How about muffins?"
And immediately, the crying stopped.
"...You'll buy me a muffin?" She asked me, as a child would ask their parents when they promised something they really shouldn't.
"Yep! Promise!"
"... What flavor?" Adorable.
"Any flavor you want! It's on me!"
"..."
"..."
"...ok"
The citizens of Ponyville gave funny looks at the strange companion the local mail-mare brought along to Sugar-Cube Corner. The way it hopped along, like a strange rabbit, with a weird " :| " mask.
Indeed, I was getting strange looks by everyone. In a way, it was hilarious.
... No, scratch that. It was hilarious, period.
"Morning Derpy! Morning Connery HappyTreeGuy!" The pink fluffy cashier greeted us.
"Morning Pinkie!"
"Yo."
"So, what can I getcha?"
Hopping my way to the counter, I looked at the menu. "I'll buy... one of everything... again."
"And for you Derpy?"
"She'll have a dozen blueberry muffins. It's on me."
"172 bits as usual, adding 3 more for the muffins."
Using my branches to rummage around my pocket, I tossed out a bag of I-don't-know-how-many-but-I'm-sure-it's-fuck-tons-of bits. "Keep the change."
"Aw, thanks Connery! Your order is coming right up!"
A zip, and then POOF! Gone. We took our seats to wait for our food to arrive. As we did, Derpy started to make conversation.
"Hey, thanks for offering me muffins to cheer me up. It's been hard for me the past few weeks now."
"No problemo, little lady! Always happy to help out! But tell me, what's been hard for you these past few weeks?" I asked her, now wearing a mask of a question mark.
"... I'm just... in a financial crisis right now... I have kids at home, two daughters. We don't have the best living conditions, but we're surviving. I'm having trouble with my job, and if I end up losing it, it might really cripple our income."
"Hm... I'm sure that must be hard." I furrow my fake eyebrows on my mask, a detail had irked me. "What about your husband? Doesn't he help support the family too?"
Welp, that sure was a dumb question to ask. She looked down again, her ears flopping down too, and she was whimpering. GOD DAMN YOU, ME.
"Uh, never-mind! Why don't you tell me something else? How about... um... your eyes! ... oh wait crap."
Jump off the landmine, and get blown into a shark tank with lasers attached to their backs.
Luckily, she didn't seem to be that sad about the topic. In fact, it calmed her down, but she still frowned at the topic.
"It's ok. I'm used to it by now. My eyes were always like this, since I was born." She suddenly got frustrated, "But it doesn't affect my sight! I can still see just fine! It might not look like it, but I really can! I just have to concentrate hard enough... at least until I start flying." She sighed, depressed. Suddenly sitting upright, she started to lecture me about how flight works. "You know, flying is a lot more complicated and harder than it looks! We don't just flap and then suddenly fly just like that. If it was really that simple, I wouldn't be having this problem to begin with! You try flying with wings when you never had any before. I'll be surprised if you can stay in the air for more than 3 seconds!"
Poor choice to use me as an example. I already knew how to fly.
"I'm emperor of the wor- OH GOD PLANE!"
One of my best moments, if I do say so myself.
"In fact, it's one of the reasons why flying should be taught when you're still at an early age. That way, the basics of flying just becomes second-nature in adulthood, like walking!" She looked down again. With less emotion, she continued. "That was one of my problems... I was a late bloomer, you see. My wings hadn't grown enough to support me yet when everypony else had already started flying. But sight is very important in flight. It's hard to fly when you can't see what's in front of you, after all. But the thing is, I have to concentrate my eyes to see properly but I also have to concentrate on my wings to fly."
She sighed again. "It usually results in me crashing a lot." She pointed at her eyes. "If I concentrate on my eyes, then my wings would start to just flap around and I’ll start going all over the place and eventually crash." She then pointed at her wings "If I concentrate on my wings, then I get double vision." She demonstrated with her eyes going clockwise and counterclockwise respectively. "Then I can't see where I'm going and eventually crash." She looked down again. "If I do both, then I just end up looking like I had one too many hard ciders and eventually crash."
She sighed tiredly, "And there you have it, Mr. Happy Tree. I’ve had to live with this problem my whole life. Right now, it's having a bad effect on everything. I was lucky enough to get this job to finally support my kids, and I'm really glad how everypony was putting up with me this whole time. But even they have limits. If this keeps up, I might lose my job soon, and I don't know if I can even find another job... If I don't then... t-then..."
As she started whimpering again, I quickly hopped over and comforted her, wearing a sad mask, careful not to get any branches or leaves in her eyes. "There, there... Just let it all out."
Man... she's been treated so poorly for being different... In a way, I could relate. Even if her situation was way more mild than mine.
"He's such a freak."
"He's a weirdo. Ignore him."
"I liked it better when he was younger. At least he knew to shut up."
"Thinks he's better than us because he's smarter. Little shit."
"Damn punk be wack, shawty. Ain't no time no place for him."
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THAT LAST ONE MEANT. WHO THE HELL WAS SHAWTY?!
Thankfully, Pinkie Pie came in with our order, "Alright Derpy, a dozen blueberry muffins for you!" She put a plate of muffins in front of Derpy, which resulted in a mood whiplash, as she was happily and adorably omnomning the muffin.
Well, ok then. She must REALLY like muffins.
"And for you, Connery, one of everything." A giant leaning tower of various sweet treats was set in front of me.
Hm... Well, I wasn't able to eat breakfast yet. CHOW TIME.
"Wow! I've never seen a tree eat so much food so quickly. Well, I mean, I've never seen a tree eat anything at all, but you ate all of that so quickly!" Derpy ecstatically praised me as we walk outside, finished with our food.
"Pfft, says the mare that ordered two dozen muffins, and engulfed them all in seven minutes." I replied, my mask now a ":T"
Derpy giggled for a bit. As she looked at the sky, she seemed less excited. "My break is almost over. I have to go soon." She turned to face me. "Hey, it's been fun hanging around with you Mr. HappyTree-"
"Please, call me Connery. Mr. HappyTree was my grandpa's name."
"Ok then Connery. It's been really fun hanging out with you this morning. Thanks for cheering me up. I feel a lot better now."
"Ah, it was my pleasure Derpy. Always happy to put a smile on someone's face."
"Do you think we can play together again soon? I can introduce you to Dinky!"
"Of course! I'm a tree! I'm great with kids!"
"Yay! This is going to be so much fun!" Derpy jumped up and down, excited that she'd met a new friend.
As she flew into the air, she said "Bye Connery! See you soon!"
"I'll see you later Derpy! You have a nice day!" But before she could leave, I stopped her for a moment. "Hey, wait a moment, I have to tell you something. If you ever have any trouble, or need any help at all, tell me. I know a guy that can help you out. Whether it's your job, or because some jerks are bullying you, just say the word. Ok?"
"Ok! Thanks Connery!" and with that, she left... Well, she crashed into a chimney, THEN she left.
I stood there for a moment, as still as a tree, plenty of things on my mind. Most of which, were relevant to the subject at hand.
She deserves better.
What can I do to help?
Why in god's name does she remind me of Alice so much?
...
I silently hopped back to my secret evil lair.
...
"Hey guys."
"Hm? What is it boss?"
"We should build our own coffee shop."
TO BE CONTINUED IN PART TWO!
Next time, on But I AM Evil!
Coffee shop. Will do?
Find out next time, on But I AM Evil!
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cause building a coffee shop is the best thing to do
"What's goin' on Doc?!"
"I HAVE NO IDEA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I thought the disguise was just a quick camouflage but I didn't expect it to be his alias and cover. HappyTreeGuy!
Oh, if only Fluttershy could see that.
And Derpy becomes general manager and makes more money while causing less damage. Yeay evil!
i wanted to see more derpy her situation speaks to me
Great chapter, shawty! So when you gonna bounce fo this shizzle?
4249093 THE RETARDED GIBBERISH SPEAK! OH GOD!
Sure, make a coffee shop. Can't live off of ransoms forever right?
1.) "More" is superfluous.
2.) There is a "with" missing between these words.
3.) This sentence may be pregnant because it did not its period.
Tense confusion, "slide" should be "slid."
"Goggle" needs an s at the end.
You probably meant to do that, but I thought you might like to know that it physically hurts me to see it.
This sentence is awkwardly phrased. Maybe: "I can't afford to keep fixing the things you break!" ? Well, maybe not that, but the point still stands.
If this is supposed to be internal monologue instead of external dialogue, then it should be outside the quotation marks. Which means you will need a close quotation mark after "way" and an open quotation mark before "please."
I know that I may be nitpicking now, however, there is one too many periods in this ellipses.
The "it" seems superfluous.
This sentence is redundant. It may read better if "bad example" was replaced with "poor choice."
The comma is superfluous and there should be a "me" between "remind" and "of."
Wow, this one was kind of long.
When Connery asked Derpy what kind of muffins she wanted, I immediately thought of this.
My favorite part was...
It is quite hard when you do not notice it until the last second.
I look forward to the next chapter. However I will not hold my breath. If I tried I would pass out. Then people would draw naughty things on my face and forehead in indelible marker. Then I would have to get a skin graft from my upper thigh and my new nickname would be butt-face.
KBO.
Did anyone see the Austin powers reference or is it just me?
Well played nextgamer, well played.
I do hope you update this very much.
Happy Easter/420 everyone!
4249241
Mang, you wack, man. You wack.
4250968 Thank you Mr. Neko-sama-chan-kun
Derpy is best pony.
YAY another chapter! :DDDDDD
Pretty scummy to advertise on somebody else's story, bro.
4283860 Yep. I'm an ass. I admit that. Sorry.
.....
Does Celestia know that Connor is living in Ponyville, or are the Mare Six keeping it as a surprise for the next time she makes a visit?
4289439 Pfft. I dunno. Plot inconsistency?
4289439
I imagine everyone there has great difficulty in believing he could possibly actually be evil. So they just treat him as a "smile and wave" kind of phenomenon.
4289585
Is this anything other than that
between two giant pistons
I'll be surprised if you
Never stop writing, or just become a writer in real life either way I love ya. (No homo)
*Gasp*
That's so evil!
coffee shop, eh? now i know he's evil!
I am so curious about Alice.
WHAT HAPPENED TO HER!? i cant take all these hints
8542152
DAMN YOU AUTHOR! YOU MADE ME PROUD!